List of songs I listened to while typing away this next chapter. I tend to just push the shuffle button and let whatever comes on play, so it might seem like a strange mix of music.
Lorde- Million Dollar Bills
My Chemical Romance – Helena
Volbeat – Broken man and The Dawn
Rihanna – Unfaithful
Twin Atlantic – The Ghost of Eddie
Meg Myers – Make a Shadow
Royal Blood – Come on Over
The Xcerts – Kids on Drugs
Lana Del Rey – West Coast
The Rolling Stones – Sympathy For The Devil
I hit the floor hard enough to knock the wind out of myself when I roll out of a bed that does not belong to me. At first I panic but when I see Alec's blue sweater laying on the floor I relax. Getting up off the floor I see Alec fast asleep in his bed; how the hell did I get in here? I look at the clock on his nightstand to see it's almost eight in the morning; his alarm will be going off in a couple of minutes. I make my way down to my own room and grab a quick shower after I empty my full bladder. As I brush my teeth I look at my reflection in the mirror and realize that this is the first time in days that I have seen my own face. I am surprised by how much hair is on my face; another few days of growth and I will have enough hair on my face for it to be considered a beard. I didn't realize that when my facial hair grew longer than stubble it would be as dark as it is. My facial hair is still blond but it's a dark bronze color; kind of the color my hair is when it's wet or sweaty.
"Jace! You in there?" Em yells from my bedroom doorway.
I pop my head out of the bathroom to see her peeking around my room.
"I just need to get dressed and then I will be ready to go. Why don't you head downstairs? I will catch up with you in a few minutes."
After I get dressed in all black clothes I make my way downstairs to find Emma. I find her looking at the painting that hangs in the hallway by the front door.
"This is new right? I don't remember seeing this painting before."
"Yeah it's new…I mean it's been hanging there for almost six months now but to you it would be new."
The painting is an exact replica of the center of Idris as though you are facing the accords hall.
"It's really pretty."
"Clary painted it. She gave it to the Lightwoods to say thank you for letting her move in here."
"Wow! She has a lot of talent."
"Yes she certainly does. Are you ready to go then?"
"Yep, ready when you are. Why are you wearing all black? Are we going hunting? Should I go change?"
"No nothing like that Em. I guess my clothes match my mood."
"Well you need to get in a better mood Jace. We are going to have fun today. I have to portal back to LA at six so we have a good part of the day to get you in a better mood."
I grab her hand when she turns towards the front door of the institute.
"Where are you going?"
"I thought we were leaving."
"We are but we need to leave though the back exit."
"Why?"
"Because Em the garage is out back and my car is in the garage."
"Car? I knew you had your motorcycle but I wasn't aware you had a car. What kind of car do you have?"
"You'll see; we are almost there."
I release her hand and flip the switch on for the lights before I step into the garage. I walk over to my car and make a show of hands for Em to see.
"Isn't she beautiful Em?"
"What is this?"
"My car; it's a 1970 Buick GSX."
"It's nice."
"Nice? That's it just nice?"
"It's just a car Jace."
I grab her by the hand and pull her towards the back wall of the garage and point at the cork board that hangs on the wall. The board is covered with almost one hundred pictures of my GSX.
"Look Em, that's what she looked like when I first brought her home and all these other picture are from different steps in her restoration. I have spent the last year turning what Alec insisted was a pile of scrap metal into the sexy lady sitting behind you."
I watch her as she inspects the photos on the cork-board. She points and laughs at a few of the pictures of me covered in dirt and grease. We both laugh when she sees the picture of Izzy and I.
"Oh my goodness the look on her face Jace! If looks really could kill huh?"
"Yeah she was mad for almost a week after that."
"Well you did cover her in grease; I'm sure you ruined her clothes."
"Trashed them! Those white pants she had on when she walked into the garage was why I pulled her in for a big hug in the first place. I mean what was she thinking coming in here with pure white pants on anyhow? Personally I think she got what she deserved."
"You're lucky that she doesn't seek revenge on you for that. She could really get you back big time if she wanted to considering you painted the car white."
"The funny thing about my choice of paint color is smearing that black grease all over my sisters white pants gave me inspiration. That's where the black stripes on the car came from. I told Izzy that every time I look at my car I will remember how much fun it was to have her and Alec help me restore my GSX."
"Did she fall for that?"
"What do you mean fall for that? I was completely sincere about what I said to her; her and Alec spent lots of time maybe not really helping but they kept me company and gave me lots of entertainment."
"I'm sure Alec pouted for days over your choice of paint color. Knowing him he would have wanted you to paint it blue; like the color of his eyes."
"Funny you should say that Em."
"Huh?"
I walk over and open the door of my car and beckon her to come closer. She slides onto the leather seat and I close her door before jogging to the driver's side and slipping in behind the steering wheel. I turn on the dome light and point at the seats.
"Look at the stitching on the leather seats Em; see what color it is?"
"Is it blue?"
"Not just blue but almost the exact same color as my Parabitai's eyes. Do you have any idea how much more money I had to pay to get fucking blue stitching on the leather?"
"Awe…who would have guessed that Jace Wayland hand a sentimental side to him?"
"Shh…don't say that too loud Em; I have a reputation to up hold."
I start up my GSX and I can feel the purr of her engine all the way to the deepest part of my body and I feel my adrenaline spike. Pushing the button to open the door to the garage I shift the car into drive and we pull out of the garage. After cutting through the alley I pull out into traffic that I have to fight my way through for almost an hour before hitting the open highway. Once we get on the highway I push the throttle down and enjoy the power and speed of the car I have worked so hard on.
"Does the radio work in this dinosaur?"
"Hey! Don't say things like that Em; you will hurt her feelings."
"Her? Did you give the car a name to Jace?"
"I'm not telling you her name until you apologize to her."
"I would feel better if I knew her name first Jace. If I knew her name then I could apologize properly to her."
"Don't laugh…her name is snowflake…hey…I told you not to laugh Em!"
We both continue to laugh at the odd conversation. She is still giggling when I see her begin to rub her hand across the dash of the car in a petting motion.
"Please excuse my rude comment Miss Snowflake; I did not mean to offend you in any way what so ever."
"Alright, alright enough goofing around Em; do you want to listen to music or not?"
"Yes please."
I pull my IPod out of my pocket and plug it into the auxiliary cord that is attached to the CD play of the car. After I turn on the IPod I hand it over to Em.
"Here you go; you can pick what we listen to."
She takes a few minutes to scan though my list of music and I can hear her chuckling at some of the music I have on it before she squeals loudly and presses play.
"I absolutely love Halestorm Jace! I didn't even know you listened to them."
"Of course I do; it's a good band annnnd Lzzy Hale is smoking hot."
"You are such a pervert Jace; knowing you that is the only reason why you listen to this band."
"That's not true! Halestorm is a fantastic band; it's just a bonus that the lead singer is eye candy."
"Blah, blah, blah."
"You seemed really excited to listen to this band Em."
"I am they are in my top ten."
"Then you are going to be so pissed when I tell you that not only did I get to see them play live but Alec and I had VIP passes to meet the band after the show."
"You're kidding me right?"
"Completely serious; it was pretty cool to meet them."
"Don't you dare tell me you fucked Lzzy Hale!"
"I didn't…Christ Em…just because I think she's hot doesn't mean I tried to get into her pants…even if I wanted to; she is way out of my league."
"I don't know about out of your league but maybe out of your age limit; she is like thirty isn't she?"
"Exactly. Are you hungry? There is a pretty good diner off of this next exit."
"Yes I'm actually starving and still slightly hung-over from all the beer I drank last night."
"Me too; we killed that whole case of beer you know?"
"What do you mean we? You drank way more beer than me Jace."
"I realize that I was the one who drank most of the beer. I don't even remember falling asleep let alone how the hell I got the whole way down the hall to Alec's room."
"You slept with Alec last night?"
"Apparently."
"I'm sure he just loved that."
"He's fine with it. Wasn't the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last time."
"Are you telling me you like to cuddle when you are drunk Jace."
"Don't make the love between Alec and I an ugly thing Em."
"What is this button for?"
Before I can tell her what is for she reaches over and press the button with her finger turning on the neon lights that are under the dash. Since its broad daylight you can barely see the light shining onto the floor of the car.
"Nothing happened?"
"Look down at the floor Em."
"Oh…the button is for those lights. There aren't very bright are they?"
"Well no, not in the daytime but at night time you can really see them."
"When did you put these in here?"
"About two months ago; I got a pretty good deal on them and decided to treat myself."
"Green huh? Interesting choice in color."
"We're here; you are going to love this place Em."
We are both still giggling when we take a seat at the diner. The waitress places two menus on the table and asks us if we want coffee. Em and I both turn our coffee mugs over for the waitress to fill them with fresh coffee.
"I'm going to need a minute to decide what I want but could I get a glass of orange juice please?" Em Asks.
The waitress walks away as Em and I look over the menu. After a quick minute I close my menu and watch Em as she concentrates on reading.
"What are you getting Jace?"
"Cheesesteak omelet."
"Mmm that sounds good; I think I'll get one too."
The waitress takes our order after she places Em's glass of orange juice in front of her.
"Do you think we could pick back up on our conversation from last night Jace?"
"Which one? We had many conversations last night."
"The one about Clary?"
"Em…" I groan.
"I have been thinking about everything you told me and I may have a new perspective on the situation."
"Okay…tell me about this new perspective."
"Do you think that maybe Clary wanted to lose her virginity to you because she knows how much experience you have with sex?"
"Why would that even matter? And please don't say the word lose."
"Think about it for a minute Jace; having sex for the first time is kind of scary especially for a girl. Maybe she picked you because at least you know what you are doing. Too many girls have bad experiences when it comes to having sex for the first time; sometimes their first time can be so bad that they are turned off from sex for a long time."
"Was it like that for you Em or is it different because you are gay?"
"My first time with another girl was amazing; not like it is with Sandra but it was still a good experience. I did have sex with a guy one time before I was ever with a girl though and let me tell you it's not a fond memory at all."
"Maybe it was bad for you because you are a lesbian?"
"I'm sure that's a big part of it but that's not what made it bad Jace. The guy was…I guess I should say boy not guy…he was barely fifteen and he was also a virgin…he had no fucking clue what he was doing and it hurt me a lot… I was sore for almost a week after…like I said not a fond memory."
"I'm sorry he hurt you Em…do I need to hunt him down and kick the shit out of him for you?"
"Like I need you to do that for me; I am perfectly capable of defending myself."
"Did you beat his ass for hurting you?"
"No…it's not like he hurt me deliberately or anything. In fact he didn't even know that he hurt me; I have a pretty high tolerance for pain and just kept quiet until it was over. Thank god it only lasted for about two minutes."
"Two minutes! What a waste of a perfectly good condom!"
"Come on Jace? I'm sure you didn't run any kind of marathon your first time either."
"Well no but I definitely lasted longer than two fucking minutes…I think it was closer to six or seven. I am much better at it now than I was my first time."
"How long did you last with Clary?"
"Fuck Emma! Really?"
"Yes really; what's the big deal?"
"That's private Em…it's not like I care if you know about what I do but it's not my place to tell you about Clary like that."
"You are too sweet Jace."
"Apparently not sweet enough for her though; Clary wants nothing to do with me now."
"What kind of relationship did the two of you have before you had sex?"
"Really not much of one to be honest with you. We never really got to spend too much one on one time with each other. We have gotten along well since the very first day she came to the institute and we work well together in the training room."
"Were you attracted to her right away or was it something that developed over time?"
"Over time I guess…I thought she was pretty the first time I looked at her but after being around her a few times I could really see just how beautiful she really was. My attraction towards her wasn't instant because she looks nothing like the girls I usually go for."
"What kind of girls do you usually go for?"
"The kind of girls that will let me fuck them without any strings attached."
"How do you know that Clary isn't one of those girls? Don't scowl at me like that Jace. I don't mean it like she's a slut or anything; I'm just saying maybe to her having sex with you seemed like a win-win situation."
"Christ this is complicated." I groan.
"Was there ever any flirting between the two of you?"
"Not really…I mean maybe the occasional smile between us for no particular reason. I might have winked at her a few times but she never had any kind of reaction to it."
"How about touching?"
"What do you mean?"
"Was there ever any time that you touched her or she touched you that wasn't considered necessary?"
"No…maybe…I really don't know Em. Can we change the subject my head is starting to hurt."
"Your head hurts from all the beer you drank."
"Em…" I whine.
"Jace…" She whines back and I can't help but laugh at her.
"All this conversation has done is confused me further."
"What is confusing to me is if you were attracted to her pretty much from the start why didn't you ever do anything to pursue her? I know you Jace; when you want a girl you get the girl."
"I guess I felt like she was out of my league."
"Why would you think that?"
"Like you said Em; when I want a girl I get the girl. Guess what happens once I get the girl? I fuck them once or twice and then I move on to the next one. Clary isn't the kind of girl you do that to. She is too good and too pure to be that kind of person. I will never put that notch in my bedpost for Clary."
"You put notches in your bedpost? What a pig!"
"I don't really put notches in my bedpost Em; it was just a figure of speech."
"I really think I'm on to something Jace. Think about it; on paper the idea seemed good to Clary. Maybe she isn't as innocent and pure as you see her. No one is perfect Jace; not even your precious Clary. It's all the shit that happens after that must be making her shy away from you."
"Shy away? She screamed at me and threw things at me. The girl fucking hates me; simple as that."
"Stop talking so loud; there are other people in here. I'm sure she doesn't hate you Jace."
"She told me she regretted what we did…" I whisper as I keep my eyes hidden from her.
"She said that? She actually said the word regret?"
"I asked her if she regretted what we did and she said no but then she said maybe she did and then she said she didn't know. I tried to get her to talk to me about what she was feeling but then she got so damn angry at me. Her words hurt Em…when she threw that remote at me I just snapped."
"What do you mean you snapped?"
"I mean I fucking snapped. I jumped out of her chair and smashed her remote into pieces against her wall. I fucking stormed out of her room like a child and then I proceeded to lose what was left of my mind by trashing my bedroom."
"Trashed your bedroom? Why? Why would you do something like that?"
"Because I was fucking pissed."
"No offense Jace but maybe you are being insensitive to her? Look you are my friend and I'm all for loyalty when it comes to friendship and I don't know anything about Clary but I am a girl. I know what it feels like to have hormones raging through your body…not that you don't know what that feels like…but it seem like sex is so much more complicated for girls. Think about it Jace; boys have it easy. No one thinks twice about boys having sex with random people without attachments but when a girl does something like that then they are judged for it."
"I'm an asshole…" I whisper; shame is heavy in my voice.
"Tell me why you were so angry at Clary."
"At first I thought I was angry at her but then I realized I was really angry at my own self. After I trashed my room I left the institute to clear my head for a while. It took me a while to figure out what I was feeling but I realized what I felt when Clary said what she said was pain; she hurt me."
"Why does that make you an asshole?"
"Because when someone hurts me I find a way to hurt them back."
"Oh Jace…you did didn't you? You hurt Clary back?"
"Yes…" I whisper.
"How? How did you hurt her?"
Instead of answering her I stand up and throw money on the table to pay for our food and walk out the door. A few minutes later I have my head on the steering wheel when Em gets into the car. I look over at her to see her eyes full of sympathy for me.
"Don't feel bad for me Em."
"Jace…tell me how you hurt her."
"Right before I left her room I stopped in her doorway with my back turned to her. My words were cold and harsh; I told her maybe she wasn't the only one who had regrets."
"Do you really feel that way? Do you regret what you did with her?"
"No I don't regret being with Clary…being with her was…I only regret what happened because of how it made her feel…I regret what happened because what little bit of friendship I was developing with her is fucking ruined now."
"You really are an asshole then Jace."
"Told you I was."
"Do you know why I said that Jace?"
"Because it's the truth Em; being an asshole is what I do best."
"Yes I know that, I'm the same kind of asshole as you are; that's why we get along so well. The asshole move you pulled on Clary is a different kind of asshole."
"What do you mean?"
"You lied to her and you lied to yourself. Being an asshole is one thing but being a lying asshole is a whole different ball game."
"Fuck…" I whisper.
"Jace do you have feelings for her? I understand you feel like you had some sort of friendship with her and I understand having sex with her made you have feelings that you don't understand. Do you think it's possible that Clary's words hurt you so bad because you have more feeling for her than you are willing to admit to yourself?"
"I don't know Em… I don't know what kind of feeling I have for her. Dealing with my feelings and my emotions is not something I usually do."
"Maybe she is feeling the same things Jace?"
"No…I think you a wrong about that…I am almost certain that she hates me…I really think you were right about her using me for sex."
"I never said that she used you for sex Jace; don't put words in my mouth."
"I'm sorry; I didn't mean it like that Em. Those were my words not yours but it doesn't mean they aren't true."
"How does that make you feel?"
"Like shit…I have no right to feel like shit but I do…I never really used anyone for sex before…I am very clear with girls when it comes to that…I thought I was being clear with Clary…I thought she was too but now I don't know what to think about all of this."
"How were you clear with her? Did you tell her that it was just about sex?"
"No I didn't say that to her; I already told you that being with Clary was so much more than just sex."
"Did you tell her that?"
"No."
"Then you weren't really clear with her at all then were you?"
"Fuck…"
"Welcome to the real world Jace."
What?"
"The real world is full of feelings and emotions. No matter how closed off you keep yourself and no matter how high your brick wall is that doesn't stop you from feeling things; it doesn't stop the emotions."
"Fuck…fuck…FUCK!"
My head feels like it might explode and my chest is so tight I feel like I can't breathe. How the fuck did all of this happen? Why did I let my brick wall down? How the fuck can I get back to my false reality where all I feel is numb? After what feels like an hour of silence I start the car and we drive back to the city in more silence. My mood is dark and my stomach won't stop hurting; I feel like I could throw up everything I ate for breakfast and it would still not take away these pains. Em's words break the silence in the car as we near the institute.
"We aren't going back to the institute yet are we? It's still early and we have the rest of the day to spend together before I have to go back to LA."
"Where do you want to go then? I don't really have any suggestions for you Em; right now I don't think I am the best company to be around."
"Let's go to the park."
I make a sharp right turn that causes the yellow cab behind me to slam on its breaks and swerve to avoid slamming into the back of my car. If Em wouldn't have been wearing her seatbelt she would have slid across the seat at my reckless driving. When I look over at her she has the look of shock on her face.
"I'm sorry I scared you Em; I told you I wasn't the best company to be around right now."
"So what then? You wreck your car and kill us both in the process? Don't be such a morbid asshole Jace."
"Fuck Em! I said I was sorry."
"Okay…" She whispers.
"Do you want me to take you back to the institute? I'm sure you can't wait to get the fuck away from me now."
"No I want to go to the park." She snaps.
Ten minutes later I park near the curb and shut the engine off before sliding back into my seat where I rest my head on the leather headrest. Em gets out of the car and walks into the park and I continue to set in the car for a few minutes feeling like a bigger asshole as each minute ticks by. With a groan I get out of the car to see where Em went; I find her sitting on a bench watching a squirrel playing in the leaves. I sit down next to her and put my arm over her shoulder before pulling her in for a side hug. She wraps her arms around me and buries he face into my t-shirt and mumbles words I can't understand.
"What did you say Em? I couldn't here you."
She lifts her head and looks me in the eye.
"You shouldn't push people away all the time Jace. Why are you so afraid of letting people in? I probably understand you more than anybody with the exception of Alec and you are a good person. You are funny and you are smart and the lengths you go to, to protect the people you care about says something about what kind of person you are. You say you're an asshole; honestly I think everyone is guilty of being an asshole from time to time but under everything you are an amazing person."
"I appreciate you stroking my ego Em."
"Can you ever have a serious conversation?"
"What am I supposed to do? How do I fix everything with Clary?"
"I can't give you those answers Jace. You have to figure that stuff out on your own."
"You said you were going to help me though."
"I did help you. I got you to talk about everything that happened. Talking about it, saying the words out loud will help you understand the situation more clearly now. It's up to you to figure out the rest of it. No one else can tell you the magic secret how to fix this; not me or anyone else. Only you can find the secret."
"I feel like maybe if Clary would be willing to at least talk to me then maybe I could figure it out but she won't even speak to me."
"Then maybe you need to stop focusing on her. Maybe you just need to focus on you and how you can fix yourself instead of worrying about her."
"How that fuck am I supposed to do that? I can't get that girl out of my head; she is all I can think about. Even if I'm lucky enough to fall asleep she still finds her way into my dreams. I spend every minute of the day waiting to catch a glimpse of her in the hallway. I fight my own thoughts of busting into her room and holding her down so that she will talk to me so that she will listen to me. How can I focus on myself when all I see is her; all I think about is her?"
"Maybe you need a vacation; I hear London is pretty this time of year."
Em and I don't talk anymore for a while; she just continues to snuggle against my side as I try to think about everything that we talked about. After a while Em stands up and pulls me towards the center of the park where we can hear the soft thump of music. We spend the rest of the afternoon watching the different performers dance and sing for spare change.
Em and I enjoyed a late lunch at the pizza parlor and we are now standing in front of the portal at a few minutes till six.
"Are you going to be okay Jace?"
"Right now I don't feel like I could ever be okay again but I'm trying to be hopeful for the future."
"I really enjoyed our visit; I feel like I just got here and now I have to leave already."
"I know; I'm going to miss you Em."
"Me too; it's your turn to come see me next time."
"I know; I'm not sure when I can get time to come see you but I will let you know as soon as I can."
"I hope you come while the weather is still nice; I think some sunshine would do you good. I could teach you how to surf."
"Teach me my ass! I will be a pro at surfing; I am a pro at everything."
"Uh-huh…we will see how cocky you are when you get on the board Jace."
We take the time to enjoy a long hug before she step through the portal. I laugh as her sweet smile is blocked by her middle finger that she holds up to me as she disappears back to LA.
I spent the rest of the night in my room and a good part of Thursday in there as well; only sneaking out for food when I knew the kitchen would be empty. Alec will just have to get over me breaking my promise of making up my training hours. It's now Friday morning and I am standing near the door to the training room waiting for either Izzy or Alec to walk in behind. I figure I can use one or both of my siblings as a human shield. I am waiting because Clary is already in there and I am too big of a chicken to face her alone. Everything that I talked to Em about still hasn't helped me figure out what to do and I am still refusing to accept the fact that maybe Clary really did use me in a way.
"Why are you standing in the hall Jace?"
"Morning Alec; I was just waiting for you."
"Where have you been hiding for the past two days anyhow? I have been meaning to ask you something but you were never around."
"I was in my room. What did you want to ask me?"
"Where did those scratches on your back come from?"
I feel my stomach slam against the back of my throat at his question. Fuck why did I have to drunkenly fall into his bed with my shirt off the other night? Quick Jace! Think of something to say to him!
"Oh you know me Alec; I always find time to show a girl a good time." I answer calmly.
"Yeah I know that but when did it happen? Was it Sunday night when you went to the bar?"
"Yes, yes it was actually." I avoid his eyes so he doesn't see my lie.
Alec rolls his eyes at me as he turns to walk into the training room and I am still laughing by the time we make our way into the center of the room where Clary is stretching her tiny body in preparation for today's sparing exercises. She keeps her back to us as Alec tells her good morning.
"It's definitely morning Alec; not sure it's a good one but still morning anyhow."
Her tone is light and playful enough to make Alec chuckle but I keep quit as I watch her stretch; when she bends over I have to avert my eyes quickly to keep my hormones at bay. Fuck I am supposed to spar with her today; how the fuck can I do that?
While Alec and I take our turns stretching I continue to watch Clary as her and Izzy sort through the music for something to listen to while we train. Alec always complains about our choice in music because he thinks most music is just noise but since Clary, Isabelle and myself out-vote him by three to one we always have music when we are training. When the music begins to play I decide to test the waters with Clary by speaking.
"Twin Atlantic? Who picked this? Was it you Clary?"
"No! I picked it Jace; why do you have a problem with this band?"
"Not at all. I love TA I only asked because I wanted to say good choice that's all."
So much for testing the waters with Clary. The entire conversation that I had with Izzy, Clary seemed to be deliberately ignoring what was being said. I guess the water is still frozen solid then. Yeah sparing with Clary should be great fun today considering she refuses to speak to me.
Clary is standing on her starting mark that is on the training mat and she is looking around the room at everything except me as I take my mark in front of her. When the song Yes I was Drunk begins to play my chest tightens; this song hits way to close to home for me right now. In a flash I have Clary flat on her back and my booted foot pressed against her throat. For a fraction of a second she looks at me with her green eyes before she moves faster than I have ever seen her move before. Her tiny legs swing around and kick me hard in the stomach; sending me halfway across the mat where I land ungracefully on my rear-end in shocked surprise. Before I can scramble to a standing position she is on my back choking me with her forearm as she inflicts countless blows to my kidney with her tiny fist.
Reaching behind my head; I grab her by her shoulders and flip her up over my head and slam her onto the mat. Instead of making the same mistake as I did earlier I throw my body down and pin her legs with my arms as my foot shoves her head back into the mat. I realize she is fighting dirty when she shamelessly punches me right between the legs causing me to roll onto my back as I fight the urge to puke. She is relentless with her attack as she jumps onto my chest. She has her knees pressed hard into my chest as her tiny hands begin to choke the air out of my throat.
I was already having trouble breathing after she punched me in my most sensitive area but now I find myself fighting for air as my eyes fill with tears from her tight grip on my throat. Fuck she is so much stronger than I have ever given her credit for and I can't help but feel the urge to smile at her in praise. I must have actually smiled because she takes it the wrong way and while continuing to choke me; she lifts my head off the mat and proceeds to smash my skull repeatedly against the floor.
"ENOUGH!" Alec roars.
Clary and I ignore Alec as she continues her assault on my body. I just lay there and let her attack happen.
"Tap out Jace! You know the rules; she won't stop until you tap out!" Izzy chimes in.
I don't tap out I just keep trying to get her to look into my eyes as she continues to slam my head against the floor while still choking me. The room is starting to get darker and I can see stars as she ruthlessly cut off my oxygen.
"Fuck Clary enough already! His lips are turning blue!" Alec's voice is high pitched and full of panic.
Right now she hears nothing that Alec or Izzy is saying; right now all she is hearing is all of her own rage that is pounding in her tiny body. I should tap out so that I don't pass out but I don't. Maybe this is what she need; maybe she needs to choke the life out of me so she doesn't have to see my face anymore. My face and my burning gold eyes that caused her so much confusion and pain. Just when I feel like the darkness might consume me completely; Izzy rips Clary off of my chest and drags her halfway across the room.
I roll over onto my stomach and begin to cough violently as air begins to fill my lungs once again. When Alec puts his hand on my shoulder I shake it off and pull myself to my feet. I don't look at any of them as I bolt from the room to seek out the safety of my locked bedroom. As I lay on my bed I am overwhelmed with emotions. I don't know what feels worse the anger I still feel towards myself or the pain that Clary has mentally put me through or even worse the pain that I now know she is feeling.
Giving up on sleep I climb into the shower at ten after five in the morning. Halfway through my shower I come to a decision and quickly finish my shower and throw my clothes on before heading to Alec's bedroom. He groans and shakes my hand off of his shoulder when I try to wake him up.
"Alec wake up; I really need to talk to you."
He rolls over and rubs his eyes with the palms of his hands before sitting up and looking at me.
"Is it still dark outside? What time is it Jace?"
"Almost five thirty."
"Shit Jace! It's Saturday; what is so important that you had to wake me up so early?"
"I have to go away for a while Alec."