MUSIC LIST FOR THIS NEXT CHAPTER.
Boy Like Me: New Medicine
Through The Ghost: Shinedown
Rain: Breaking Benjamin
And I drove You Crazy: Banks
Somebody Like You(Acoustic): Pop Evil
Remember Everything: Five Finger Death Punch
Believe: Asking Alexandria
Breaking Down: Florence & The Machine
Fall Into The Party: Twin Atlantic
Innocence: Halestorm
Sorry: Art Of Dying
His blue eyes go wide and he reaches over to turn on his bedside lamp before he looks at me in confusion.
"What do you mean you have to go away? How long is a while? Where are you even going?"
"I'm going to go stay with Em in LA for a while; I'm not exactly sure how long I will be gone. I know I'm not supposed to leave you but right now I am no good to you anyhow so I wanted to tell you I was leaving."
"Why? Jace what's wrong? Why won't you talk to me?"
"I just can't right now; please try to understand. I have too much going on in my head right now to even try to explain it to you. I just need some time to get my head clear."
"Why do you have to go all the way to LA to clear your head? Can't you at least give me some sort of clue as to what this is all about?"
"Please Alec…" I choke back a sob as I plead with him.
Alec throws himself at me and hugs me tightly. I bury my face into his neck as I return his hug and the tears pour down my face and onto his shirt.
"Jace…" He whispers.
"Please just let me go Alec…I'll come back I promise…just please don't make me feel guilty for leaving you."
"You don't have to feel guilty…it just hurts that you won't even try to talk to me."
"I'm s-s-sorry…"
"I will miss you while you are gone."
"I love you Alec."
"I love you too Jace."
I am sitting at the table in the library of the Los Angeles institute waiting for Em to get here. I didn't make the time to tell her I was coming so when I called her she was surprised to hear that I was already here. She said that she was leaving her apartment as soon as we hung up the phone.
I spend the next week at the beach learning to surf and dutifully apologize to Em for being cocky when I had told her I would be a pro at surfing. I couldn't have been more wrong; surfing is much harder than it looks. I am proud to say that by the end of the week I consider myself to at least be an amateur surfer. I shaved my face clean this morning at Em's request; she said I was starting to look like a bum and now I am sitting in a chair at a hair salon as a short Asian girl cuts my hair. After she cuts my hair she turns my chair around for me to see her work. Damn I really was looking like a bum; I guess I just didn't really care. I have needed a haircut for almost a month now. My hair no longer hangs to the top of my shoulders in a stringy mess. She cut my hair so it is just at my chin in the front and slightly tapered shorter in the back; it looks good on me.
"Smoking hot Jace!"
"You think so Em?"
"Don't act so surprised; you know how sexy you are Jace. You just needed to get cleaned up a little."
"Sandra, please control your girlfriend. How can you let her flirt with me like that when you are standing right there? Honestly Em, have you no shame at all?"
Before either girl can say anything to me Em's cell phone begins to ring. Em walks out of the salon to take her phone call and after I pay for my hair-cut Sandra and I join Emma outside in the blistering sun.
"Hold on Izzy…here is Jace…I understand that Izzy but maybe he can help so just talk to him okay?"
Em holds her phone out to me with a look of panic on her face and I feel all the hair on my arms stand to attention.
"What's wrong Em?"
"Here talk to your sister; she called me for advice but I think maybe you could help better than I can. Clary isn't doing good Jace."
I don't give Emma the chance to say anything else as I snatch the phone from her hand.
"Izzy? What's wrong?"
"I wanted to talk to Emma not you."
"What is wrong with Clary?"
"I don't know."
"Izzy! For fuck sakes! Tell me what is going on."
"She won't come out of her room and she refuses to talk to me and Alec. I tried to get her to talk to Simon on the phone but she just hung up on him. I called Em because I needed a female perspective on all of this. I am sorry to bother you with all of this Jace; Alec told me that you had to get away for a while to clear your head about some things so I feel terrible to be bothering you with stuff that doesn't concern you. She just won't stop crying and she is barely eating; I thought maybe Em would know what was wrong with her. My best guess would be that some asshole broke her heart but I didn't even know she was seeing anyone and Simon said that she didn't mention a guy to him either. I just don't understand what is wrong with her. I don't know what to do; I feel like maybe if I were around more then maybe she would talk to me. I have been spending so much time with Simon that I think I may have been neglecting my friendship with Clary."
"Izzy where is Clary at right now?"
"I told you; she won't come out of her room."
"Does she have her door locked?"
"No she doesn't have a door on her room."
"What? Why?"
"Alec took it from her. She wouldn't quit locking it and he said we had to keep an eye on her and that we had to take her food so maybe she would eat. Jace she didn't even seem to care that Alec took her door away."
"Take the phone in and give it to Clary."
"Why?"
"Just fucking do it Izzy!"
"I think you are wasting your time Jace; she doesn't want to talk to anyone."
"Izzy if you don't take the phone into Clary right fucking now then so help me god I will fucking kill you when I get home!"
I can hear the phone crack a few times as Izzy walks into Clary's room. I can hear Izzy's distant voice telling Clary to take the phone.
"She won't take the phone from me. She's just lying there staring at the wall."
"Then hold the damn phone up to her ear."
"Okay…"
I wait a couple of seconds for Izzy to do what I ask.
"Clary? …Hello?...Clary it's Jace…"
The call gets disconnected but before I can dial Izzy's number the phone rings and I push the talk button.
"Izzy what happened?"
"She hung up the phone and locked herself in the bathroom. She is crying again. I don't know what to do Jace."
"Get out of her room and leave her alone."
"Jace there must be something I can do. I can't just leave her locked in the bathroom like this. I wish Simon could come here; maybe he could talk to her."
"Get out of her room and tell Alec to put her fucking door back on; he had no right to take it from her in the first place! He will hear it from me about that when I get home! If Clary wants to be left alone then you need to respect her wishes and leave her the fuck alone do you understand me Izzy? That goes for Alec too; you tell him to put her door back on and stay the fuck away from her!"
"Please stop yelling at me Jace and please don't be mad at Alec; we didn't know what else to do. She never said she wanted to be left alone. She won't say anything at all. I am worried about her. I don't think she has eaten anything for almost a week. She hasn't even showered or changed her clothes for almost three days. I'm just supposed to ignore her behavior?"
My long legs are moving fast down the street as I listen to my sister on the other end of the phone. I am walking so fast that I might as well be running; making it difficult for Em and Sandra to keep up with me.
"Just do what I told you to do…I will be there in about an hour…I'm coming home…"
I end the call and begin to run now that I don't need the extra air in my lungs to talk on the phone towards the LA institute so that I can portal home. I have my bags sitting on the floor as I stand with my back to the portal and Em is standing in front of me. My panic rises as every second ticks by with worry for that green eyed girl that I have managed to push to the back of my mind for the last week. I might have been able to push her to the back of my mind but she never left; she is always in my thoughts and she is always in my dreams.
"Jace are you sure it's a good idea to go home so soon? I mean you were just starting to really come out of your shell here. I am afraid that if you go back then you will end up right back where you started."
Emma has every right to be concerned for me because I have the same concern but none of that matters right now because right now Clary needs me to be there for her. I know she will scream and I know she will fight me but no amount of screaming or bruises she can inflict on me matter because I know what she needs. She needs to have someone wrap their arms around her and hold her tight while she cries. I feel sick that she is so alone; she has shut herself off from everyone; even Simon. She needs someone to hold her and just fucking be there so she doesn't feel so alone. It would have been easy for me to hide in my fucking room all alone but I knew that would get me nowhere and that is why I came to LA to be with Em. I feel guilty for wanting to be with Em instead of Alec because I have always gone to Alec when I needed support. I have spent countless nights sleeping next to him in his bed for countless reasons throughout our entire friendship. I realize that the biggest reason why I came to Em instead of staying home and talking to Alec about my problems isn't just because I am able to talk to Em without feeling judged. The truth is I was running; I was running away from my problems instead of standing my ground and having patience with Clary.
"Emma don't worry about me. I promise you that I am fine. I have to go now; I need to get to Clary."
"What if she still won't talk to you?"
"She doesn't have to talk to me but she doesn't have to feel so alone either."
"So if she doesn't have to talk to you then how can you help her?"
"She just needs someone to hold her while she cries. She needs to understand that she isn't alone."
"What if she doesn't want you to hold her?"
"She won't have that choice. I am the reason why she is like this. I am the only one who can even begin to understand what she is going through. I have to go now Em; give me a hug."
Em hugs me tight and mumbles into my hair.
"I know, I will miss you too Em. I will see you soon."
I step out of the portal and jog towards the elevator to go to Clary's room. When I get off the elevator I find Izzy and Alec setting on the floor beside Clary's bedroom door; at least they listened to one thing I told them by putting her door back on but they didn't listen to me about leaving her alone. The two of them sitting outside her room talking; even in the most hushed voices is still not leaving Clary alone like I asked them to. I would love to chew their ass out about this and to slap the fuck out of Alec for taking her door off its hinges in the first place but I don't have time for that shit right now. They remain silent as they watch me take my boots off before turning her door handle. I glance over my shoulder and point towards the elevator to make them understand that they need to leave.
Quietly I shut Clary's bedroom door before I walk over and lay down beside her. She was crying so loud that she didn't hear me enter her room and when she feels me lay down beside her, her sobs stop and her whole body jerks. Before she can turn over to face me I wrap my arms and legs around her and pull her back tightly to my chest. She begins to try to fight her way out of my arms as she start to cry again and I just hold her tighter.
"Shh…it's okay Clary…just let me hold you okay…you don't have to say anything but just let me hold you…I'm the only one who understand why you are crying…you shouldn't have to feel so alone…just let me hold you…"
My words were soft enough to soothe her to the point that she stops fighting to get away from me but her crying increase in volume. I fight back my own tears as her tiny body shudders under my hold. How the hell did we get here? How is it ever going to stop feeling like this? The past week I have spent in LA felt like maybe things could get better but the truth is things aren't better. As I hold this tiny girl in my arms I have come to the realization that things are somehow worse because I left. I should have never left; I should have stayed.
An hour later her crying has stopped and I am proud of the strength I had to keep my own tears from falling. She has been quiet enough for the past ten minutes that I think she must have fallen asleep but then I hear her soft voice as she begins to speak; her voice is hoarse from crying and I have to strain to hear what she says.
"I'm sorry for what happened in the training room."
"It's okay…"
"I don't know what came over me. I had no right to do what I did. How can you stand to even be near me? I feel like such a monster."
"Shh…it's okay…I understand why you did it and I am not mad at you for it. Please don't feel like you have anything to apologize for."
"Can you ever forgive me?"
"You haven't done anything that you need to be forgiven for Clary. I know I hurt you and you just needed to find some way to make me understand your pain. Why do you think I just let you do it? Why do you think I didn't stop you? I let you do it because if inflicting physical pain on me took away your pain then that was what I wanted for you but if it makes it easier then you are forgiven."
"Thank you…" she sniffles.
She is quiet again and I can almost feel the air in the room becoming heavy as it fills with unspoken words and question after question. Instead of saying what I want to say to her and instead of asking her questions I decide to make a joke. I bury my nose in her hair as I start to talk.
"When is the last time you washed your hair? I think I could fry an egg with all this grease."
I feel my heart begin to beat again when her body shakes with laughter.
"Look who's taking Jace…between your beard and your long hair you are starting to look like a hippy."
I laugh at her surprisingly light tone.
"I have no idea what you are talking about Clary."
I feel her attempt to roll over and I keep my hands and legs close to her so she doesn't escape and lock herself in the bathroom but I allow her to turn and face me. She covers her mouth with her tiny hand when she she's my clean shaved face and fresh cut hair. She keeps her hand over her mouth as she starts to talk.
"You look so handsome."
"Thank you."
"I don't think I have seen your hair this short before. It looks really good on you."
"Why are you covering your mouth? I can hardly understand what you are saying."
"My hair isn't the only thing that I have neglected for three days. I don't want you to smell my bad breath."
I can't help it; laughter burst from my chest and I risk her running away when I roll onto my back only to crash to the floor because I forgot how small her bed was. I look up to see the look of shock in her green eyes as she looks over the side of her bed at me. The ghost of a smile is on her face but she is trying so hard not to laugh when she asks:
"Are you okay Jace?"
"You can laugh; it's funny. It is funny that I fell off of your bed."
"It is funny but are you okay?"
"I'm fine, I think I fell when I got a whiff of your breath; by the angel I think something died in there."
Her loud laughter is music to my ears as she beats me with her pillow. I am still lying on her floor when the room grows quiet again. She is lying on her bed and her fingers are draped over the side of her mattress (it takes everything in me not to reach up and grip her tiny fingers in my hand) when she starts to talk again.
"I think we have some things to talk about Jace." Her words sounded more like a question than a statement and I can hear uncertainty in her voice.
"I'm ready when you are." I say casually. I don't want her to hear how ready I really am. I want to jump up off her floor and start talking in a rush of words so that I can say everything that I have wanted to say for the past two weeks; to ask her all the questions that have been filling my mind to the point that they physically makes my head ache.
"Not right now though."
"Why? What's wrong with right now?" fuck I sound so needy; so much for keeping my tone casual.
"I need to take a shower and get some food in me first; I can't even remember the last time I ate anything."
"Okay I will give you some time but please come find me as soon as you are ready to talk okay?"
"Just give me twenty minutes to take a shower and then you can take me for dinner."
I decide not to question her. If I ask her any questions or say the wrong thing she might change her mind. Maybe this will be easier to do than I thought it was. The fact that she wants me to take her to dinner must be a good thing right? Well it's either a good thing or maybe she wants me to take her to dinner knowing we will be in a public place and won't really be able to talk the way we need to talk. Honestly though; it's probably better this way; maybe if we can manage idle chit-chat for an hour over dinner in a public place it will take some of the tension out of not speaking for the past two weeks.
"I will meet you downstairs then." I carefully say.
"Okay see you soon." She says as she shuts her bathroom door.
Just as I am about to leave her room her sketch book catches my eye and when I look down at it I can see my blond hair sticking out of one of its corners. Not wanting to get caught I quickly flip through the drawings; there must be twenty or more drawings of me in her sketch book. Me sitting in the greenhouse reading a book, me shirtless and covered in sweat standing in the training room, me with my arm around Alec in the kitchen; every one of them is me. I must have lost track of time because when I hear the water to the shower cut off I quickly shut her sketch book and get out of her room. Ten minutes later I hear the ding of the elevator and she steps out into the hallway. Her hair is still wet and she has it braided loosely over her shoulder. Her tight jeans pair nicely with a plain grey fitted t-shirt (she really has lost an alarming amount of weight while I was away) and she is wearing her paint splattered converse sneakers. She is absolutely beautiful as she walks towards me with a soft smile on her face.
"What are you hungry for?" I try my best to hide the guilt I feel for her lack of appetite.
"I really want coconut pancakes from Taki's."
Christ! Of course she would want to go to Taki's of all places. I don't care if I have to tell Kailea to fuck off and leave me alone; I am taking Clary wherever she wants to go.
"Sounds good; are you ready to go?"
She smiles at me as she walks quietly beside me while we make our way towards Taki's; her bright green eyes take in the city as though she hasn't seen the light of day in weeks. When I think about the last time I saw her outside being almost two weeks ago maybe that was in fact the last time she did see the light of day. Her voice brings me back to the here and now.
"Where do you want to sit? The booth we usually sit in is already taken."
I point to one of the small two-seater booths that are in the back near the bathrooms and silently pray that this section of the restaurant doesn't belong to Kailea's designated tables. I flip blindly through the menu feeling nervous. I want to talk to her but I know that we can't get into anything too heavy and I'm not sure how to talk to her in a casual manner. There is so much that needs to be said between the two of us but now is not the time; so how do we manage chit-chatting as though everything is perfectly fine?
"Hey there Jace; long time now see!"
I look up to see Trina's smiling face and breathe a sigh of relief.
"How are you Trina?"
"Oh you know I could complain but who wants to hear that right? Have you been going to the tanning bed? You look good Mr. Wayland."
"Just got back from a week in LA. All that sunshine and hours spent at the beach has contributed to my darker complexion."
"Must be nice; do you know what you two want or do you need a few minutes?"
"Clary? Are you ready to order?" I ask.
I catch the look of sadness in her green eyes before she looks up at Trina.
"Could I please have two coconut pancakes and a chocolate milkshake?"
"Sure thing sweetie; do you want honey or syrup for your pancakes?"
"Honey." We both say at the same time.
"Sorry Clary…" I mumble.
"It's okay…" She whispers as she shifts her eyes away from me; she has the ghost of a smile on her face for a split second before it disappears.
"How about you Jace? What would you like to eat?"
"Just some water please. I'm not really hungry I just wanted to bring Clary for dinner."
"I will put this in; you let me know if you change your mind okay?" Trina says before turning away.
"We didn't have to even come here Jace. I didn't realize you weren't going to get anything to eat."
"I just got done eating right before I came home."
"With Em?"
"Yep Em and Sandra."
"Maybe we should just cancel my pancakes and go; I can always get something at home."
"No don't do that. Please stay and eat your pancakes. You really need to eat something Clary; you look like you have lost weight. Would it make you feel better if I ordered some fries or something?"
"I-I…no you don't have to do that."
Fuck here comes Kailea with Clary's milkshake and my water.
"Jace Wayland in the flesh! Where the hell have you been?"
FUCK!
"Hi Kailea; I was in LA." I mumble as I pick at the corner of my menu.
"Your brother was in here earlier with his boyfriend and he said you were away but didn't know when you were coming back. Why were you in LA?"
"Yeah he actually doesn't even know that I am home yet. I had to help with some training issues in LA. I guess you could say I was being sneaky about coming home today; I wanted to spend some time with Clary first."
Damn it! Why did I have to say that? I know I said it to try to get Kailea to stop drooling over me but I shouldn't have done that to Clary. I will have to find a way to apologize to her once Kailea leaves. When I risk looking at her she surprises me by curling her fingers around my hand and smiling sweetly at Kailea before she says.
"Isn't he sweet? He missed me so much that he came home early just to see me."
The smile slips from Kailea's face at the same time my jaw slams back shut after it dropped open at what Clary just said.
'I'm sure Trina will be here shortly with your food; I just came over to say hi."
She turns her back and stalks off towards the kitchen with a purpose to her step. If I wasn't so confused by Clary's words and even more distracted feeling her fingers wrapped around my hand I might have found Kailea's swift exit to be comical. When I feel Clary's fingers leave my skin I look into her green eyes.
"I hope that helped you out Jace; it looked like she was making you uncomfortable."
"Yeah…yeah thank you for that Clary…I don't know what her deal is lately."
"Come on Jace you're gorgeous as it is but since you got a nice tan on your skin and a fresh hair-cut; it's no wonder she was drooling over you. I know you two had something going on at one time so maybe she is looking to rekindle things." She giggles; fucking giggles…she finds humor in my torment.
I roll my eyes and take a sip from my glass of water while I watch her pluck the cherry off the top of her milkshake and pull it into her mouth using her tongue. Fuck I feel the front of my jeans twitch and quickly look away before I can make things worse for myself. We sit quietly until Trina brings Clary's pancakes and then leaves again after we tell her we don't need anything else. I watch her take the time to cut up her pancakes and I continue to watch her as she takes a bite and begins to chew. Her eyes flutter closed like they always do when she takes her first bite of the sweet pancakes. She keeps them closed as she slowly chews her food and I can't help but focus my eyes on her full lips as they move; there is a smear of honey on her top lip and it take everything in me not to lean across the table and lick it off of her mouth.
"Why are you staring at me?"
"Huh? Oh sorry." I look away quickly after I mutter my apology.
"Alec told me that you might be away for a few weeks but you're home now. What made you come home so soon if you were planning to stay in LA for a few weeks?"
"Alec was only speculating how long I would be away; there was never a time frame set in stone. I just needed to…to get away for a while…I'm home now so that's all that matters."
I love (actually I hate it) how the two of us are having a conversation about me leaving and coming back home when I think we both know why I left and I think we both know why I came home; but I guess that's what makes this idle chit-chat.
"Are you going back to LA?"
"Sure for visits but nothing extended. Emma and I try to take turns as far as who goes where."
"Were you planning on coming home today or did Izzy and Alec convince you to come home?"
I have no idea how to answer her question right here in the middle of a busy diner without opening up a huge can of worms. I have a strange feeling that Clary is somehow testing me right now; like she wants me to fuck up and say the wrong thing right here in the middle of the restaurant just so she can bolt away from me once again. My long period of silence as I look into her expectant eyes is only making my; and I'm sure her anxiety rise to an uncomfortable level. FUCK! Just get it over with Jace. The worst thing that could happen would be for her to bolt out of the restaurant; only this time I will chase after her. I won't allow her to run away from me any longer; at least not until we can really sit down and talk things through about that night. I GOT IT! I will answer her honestly under the disguise of a joke.
"I never was the kind of person who tolerates being hung up on." I say lightly and give her one of my signature crooked smiles as my eyebrow arches high above my left eye.
"What did you do in LA all week?"
"We went to the beach every day; Em taught me how to surf. Let me tell you if you think surfing looks easy; it's not."
"What else did you and Em do?"
"Surfing during the day and drinking way too much alcohol at night was the highlight of most of our days but we did go to a couple of cool places to eat and we even saw a concert on Friday."
"Oh? What band?"
"Cold War Kids."
"I am so jealous right now! I absolutely love the Cold War Kids."
"They actually just started their tour so if you really want to go see them I would be happy to take you. They put on an amazing show and I would definitely pay good money to see them again." I hope that I didn't sound too assuming by offering to take her to a concert.
"Are you sure Em would be okay with that?"
"Why would she care…"
My words trail off when I see how guarded Clary's eyes are. She must think something is going on between Em and I.
"Why wouldn't she care?" She asks casually but the look in her eyes tells me how scared she really is to hear the answer to her question.
"Clary you got this all wrong; I am not in a relationship with Emma. I promise you she is just my friend."
"You mean like Kailea is just your friend? Exactly how many friends do you have Jace?" Her tone is almost venomous and I feel my panic rise.
"No! Nothing ever happened between Em and I. Emma is gay, she has a girlfriend named Sandra. Everywhere I went with Em I went with Sandra. As far as Kailea goes…well yeah I hooked up with her a couple of times but it's not like she was my girlfriend or anything…it was just fucking; nothing more. I don't even really consider her a friend; being friendly with her just makes it easier to come in here and eat. If I wasn't nice to her then god knows what she would do to my food. Clary, I haven't fucked her in almost six months and up until a couple of weeks ago she has been cool. I'm not sure why all of a sudden she's acting like an animal in heat around me but I think after what you said to her she should back off now. I am assuming by the way you put emphasis on the word friend you are referring to how may girls I have fucked? If you really want me to sit here and crunch the numbers for you I'll do it but why would you want to know that? Why does what I have done in the past matter?"
"Oh…it's none of my business what you do anyhow."
"Yes it is. Why wouldn't it be? Clary listen…" I start to try to explain to her but she cuts me off with her sharp words.
"No Jace! It's not my business; you're not my boyfriend; Jace Wayland is no one's boyfriend. Jace Wayland is just out for a good time with no strings attached so it's not my business what you do or who you do it with."
I scramble to dig money out of my wallet to pay for Clary's food before leaving the restaurant. I practically jog to catch up with her hurried walking; I grab her by her elbow just before she can cross the street towards the institute; I tense and wait for her to slap the shit out of me and scream in my face. Her green eyes burn into my face as she looks up at me but she makes no attempt to pull away from my grip on her arm.
"Why did you leave? What did I do wrong?" My voice is full of sorrow and shaky with the threat of tears. My questions aren't just about her leaving Taki's; my questions are about that night she left my room. My questions are about wondering why she pushed me away when I tried to talk to her after everything happened. Her harsh words about what kind of person Mr. Jace Wayland is sting and make me feel shame about my past but worse than that they only confuse me further. Isn't she the one who used me? Didn't she take advantage of my so called no strings attached life-style to help her not be a virgin anymore? After talking to Emma about everything that happened; these are the things that I have come to accept. But am I wrong? My fucking head is pounding with all this uncertainty. I can't take much more of all these unanswered questions. I can't take much more of this ache in my god damned chest that won't go away.
"Can we go back to the institute please?"
"Are you going to talk to me when we get there? Fuck, I can't handle this shit anymore. We can't keep doing this Clary; we need to talk about this."
"We will talk, just not out here in the middle of the street."
Unwillingly I let go of her arm for fear of her running away from me yet again and follow her to the institute and continue to follow her as we step onto the elevator. I step back and wave my hand towards the buttons; giving her permission to push the button for where she wants to go. I figured she would have pushed the button for the greenhouse because it's a pretty private place where we could talk with little chance of interruption. She ends up pushing the button for the third floor where our bedrooms are. I silently follow her down the hall and am surprised when she stops in front of my bedroom door. I don't question her choice; if anything I find myself almost comforted with the thought of being in the sanctuary of my bedroom as I open the door and follow her inside. She sits on the edge of my bed and crosses her legs before she places her folded hands on her lap as she stares at her fingers. Seeing her sitting on my bed; looks so damn right to me that it hurts to even look at her. I stand with my back against my closed bedroom door waiting for her to say something; she doesn't say anything she just sits there staring at her fingers.
"Talk to me Clary." I say softly.
"Will you sit down or something? You are standing all the way over there and it's making me nervous."
I don't think I can handle sitting next to her on my bed; I don't trust myself not to pin her to my mattress and kiss her until my head spins, to kiss her until this ache in my chest goes away. I decide to sit in my chair that is next to my bed; I pull the chair closer to Clary so that I can sit right in front of her. Her green eyes slowly work their way up my body and over my entire face before she looks me right in the eyes. Of all the fucked up times for my mind to wander to the perverted thoughts of what it feels like to have her eyes look at my body as though she were mentally undressing me; only confuse me further. Emma was right about one thing when it comes to Clary and I; the physical chemistry between the two of us is undeniable. My pulse quickens anytime I am near this girl (hell it quickens just thinking about her) and by the way she just looked at my body tells me that she feels the same way. She is just sitting there looking at me; why won't she say anything? Why won't she just get the fuck off that bed and kiss me already if she is going to look at me like that? I think I know the answer to that last question actually; Mr. Jace Wayland is a no strings attached kind of guy.
"Come on Clary…talk to me please." I plead.
"I…d-don't know where to s-start."
"Anywhere would be good; how about starting with why you left my room that night."
"I guess I was scared…I guess I just panicked."
"Scared? Panicked? Why?"
"That night turned out to be something I never expected. I didn't realize how much it would hurt me."
Fuck I can't take this; how did I not realize how much I hurt her that night? The haunting words that Em told me come flooding into my head when I think about how clueless I was to Clary's pain. Em had said how she had a high threshold for pain and that the guy she slept with didn't even have a clue how much he was hurting her. My mind takes me back to the day Clary ruthlessly assaulted me in the training room; I remember thinking at the time how much stronger she was than I have ever given her credit for. All these thoughts swirl through my brain along with the images of seeing the look of bliss on her face when she found her release as I rocked into her; only fuck with my head further. Was I wrong about what I saw? Could she have fooled me into thinking that I was bringing her pleasure when I was really only causing her pain? This has me so torn apart right now; I know girls can fake moans and facial expressions but I know her body could have only pulsed and shaken the way it did if her pleasure was real. All this drama, all this bullshit, all this fucking confusion is exactly why I have always lived a no strings attached life style; why I have never had or even wanted any kind of relationship.
"Why didn't you tell me to stop Clary? You know I would have stopped; I told you I would stop if you wanted me to…oh god I think I'm going to throw up."
"Jace! Stop freaking out; that's not what I meant. I wasn't talking about physical pain. I won't lie it did hurt a little bit at first…you know that …you saw my tears…you heard me cry out…but it was only at first…I know you did everything you could so it wouldn't hurt and after my body adjusted it felt…it felt…"
"It felt what Clary?"
"Amazing…"
I just did a mental backflip at her confession only to mentally kick myself in the ass when I remember what she said.
"Then what do you mean I hurt you?"
"I didn't say you hurt me Jace; I said I didn't realize how much it would hurt me."
"How is that different?"
"Because Jace; for the past six months I have had so many fantasies about being with you, about doing what we did that night. I never thought in a million years that those fantasies would ever come true. So when you kissed me I thought to myself; how lucky am I? I told myself how lucky I was that you were going to be the first person I was going to have sex with because you have so much experience that surely you would be able to make it a good experience for me."
"Are you saying you only wanted to have sex with me because I know what I am doing?"
My chest feels like it might crush my heart enough to kill me as I wait for her to answer me.
"For the longest time that's what I thought. I am always so shy and so nervous all the time and I thought that if I could just not be a virgin anymore then maybe I wouldn't be so awkward all the time. I had this stupid fantasy about being bold enough to just come out and ask for your help but I could never get the guts up to actually ask you. I figured you would laugh in my face for asking you something so stupid; I knew I would never be able to look you in the eye again if you laughed at me. That night I came to your room I was really only curious about what music you were listening to but then everything else happened."
"So you heard opportunity knocking at your door and decide to just go with it?" I am surprised that I am able to keep the hurt and anger out of my voice.
"That is what I told myself…but then after…when we were laying in your bed looking at each other…everything changed…everything hit my like a ton of bricks and I panicked. I couldn't figure out what to do about how I felt and that's why I kept pushing you away every time you tried to talk to me. Even that day in the training room when you asked who picked the music; I knew that was your way of trying to talk to me. I knew that you must have been thinking that if you could somehow get me to talk to you about that one thing then we could talk about what happened but all I could think about was you telling me that you regretted what we did. When you said that I felt…I don't even know what I felt exactly…hurt…anger…shame…so many feelings and when you tried to talk to me that day in the training room the only thing I could hold onto was the anger. I was so angry with you and angry with myself that I just snapped. I will forever be sorry for hurting you like that; not just for attacking you in the training room but for throwing my remote at you."
She has tears in her eyes and she is wringing her fingers as she waits for my response. As fucked up as it is; I have to fight the urge to laugh at her right now because she thinks I actually give a shit about the physical pain she caused me. I would take an ass beating any day over the mental and emotional pain this red haired girl has caused me over the past two weeks. I have so many questions to ask her and I have so many things to say to her but my mouth speaks before I can decide where to start.
"How did you feel? What were you feeling that scared you enough to make you leave my room that night?"
"I thought all this time that my feeling for you were purely physical. I thought that it was just…well lust I guess…"
She trails off and my heart begins to pound hard in my chest at the thought of what she is trying to say.
"If those feeling were the wrong ones then what were you really feeling?"
"I love you Jace…"
Her voice was low and her eyes were on her hands when she said it but the words were still spoken. In a flash I am out of my chair and have her pinned to my mattress before I consume her mouth in mine. My hands run wildly over her body as our tongues slide together and when I feel her fingers knot into my hair I groan into her mouth and she breaks our kiss with a gasp.
"Jace stop! I can't do this."
"Why?"
"I can't put myself through the pain of only having you for a little while until you decide I'm old news. Please don't think I am judging you it's just not something I can handle."
"What are you talking about old news?"
"I don't want you to think that just because I have feeling for you then that means you can have me anytime you want me; I can't be that person for you Jace; I wish I…"
"Clary you will never be old news to me. I have never felt this way before. It took me leaving you to figure out all these feeling inside of me and how to deal with the fact that you didn't feel the same way about me as I did about you. But you do feel the same way about me. Clary I love you…"
"Jace…please promise me that you aren't just saying that to…"
"To what? You think I said that just so you would have sex with me?"
I jump up off the bed and begin to pace around my room as anger bubbles in my chest. I fight the urge to pick my chair up and throw it through the window. Clary lays frozen in place on my bed as I glance towards her during my angry pacing.
"I can't believe you would think that Clary! I would never tell you I loved you just for sex. You don't know the guts it took for me to tell you I love you; saying those things is not easy for me. If I just wanted sex I could go and find it anywhere I wanted to. I don't need to make up lies to fuck someone; I could have a line of girls a mile long in about ten minutes to pick from to fuck. At least that's easy; when you are just out for a good fuck you don't have all this other shit to worry about. All these fucking feelings and all these god damned emotions; all this fucking drama."
By the time I am finished with my rant I am bawling like a fucking idiot. Damn tears won't quit streaming down my face and my fucking nose is running. I jump when she touches my lower back and I quickly turn around to face her as I pointlessly try to hide my tears from her. She wraps her arms around me and buries her own tear streaked face into my shirt. We both stand there crying like babies for what feels like an hour before she pulls away from my body. She takes my hand and pulls me towards the bed and pushes me onto the mattress. Instead of her getting into bed with me she kneels on the floor at the edge of my bed and takes my boots and my socks off. She stands up and takes my hands in hers; pulling me into a sitting positon before she takes off my t-shirts. I watch her as she bravely unhooks my belt and then opens my jeans with her small hands. Her green eyes are looking right at me as I lean back on my arms and lift my hips so she can take off my jeans and boxers. I continue to lean back on my hands and watch her as she removes her shoes; followed by her tight jeans and then her t-shirt; leaving her in just a bra and underwear. I watch her as she reaches behind her back to unhook her bra but she can't get it to unhook and I can see the frustration in her green eyes. I hook my feet around her slim thighs and pull her towards me so I can slide my long fingers behind her back and with a quick flip of my thumb her bra comes unclasped. Her cheeks blaze with color and her smile is full of embarrassment.
"Thank you…" She whispers shyly.
I don't say anything to her I just pull her closer and kiss her as I take her bra the rest of the way off. As I kiss her I run my fingers through her hair so it is no longer braided before sliding my hands down her body to remove her underwear. I hold her waist to steady her as she steps out of her underwear and as soon as I see her kick them off her leg I pull her onto my chest as I lay down on the mattress. She keeps her legs strait and her hands are on my face as she kisses me sweetly. There isn't enough of her body wrapped around me so I reach my long arms down and grip her thighs in my hands. I pull her legs apart as I lift her up and place her thighs around my hips where I press my groin against her wet center. Her loud moan breaks our kiss.
"Touch me Clary…" I moan as I kiss her neck.
Her hands begin to run over my body as I continue to kiss her throat. I pull her mouth back to mine and kiss her deeply. As we kiss she begins to roll her hips; I shift my hips under hers so that the length of my shaft is lined up perfectly with her wet center. I groan at the sensation of her wet skin against my aching shaft. I want to be inside of her so bad it almost hurts. As much as I want to slide into her tight center I don't want to rush her; her body needs to be ready before she can take me inside of her. I allow her to continue her grinding against the length of my shaft as we kiss with hungry passion. I am so lost in her kiss and the feeling of her body against mine that I gasp when I feel her tight center slide over the length of my shaft. FUCK she feels so good…I can't be inside of her without a condom…just because I am in love with this girl doesn't mean I am ready to be called daddy.
"Clary stop…"
"Why." Her moan sounds so amazing in my ears that I almost forget why I stopped her to begin with but when she pushes her hips down further and I am completely inside of her I quickly remember.
"We need…oh fuck that feels good…Clary please stop…we need to use a condom…baby please…"
"I'm on birth control Jace…I get the shot every three months."
Thank fucking god for that! It feels so amazing having her skin against my skin I don't think I could go back to using a condom. I pull her mouth to mine and start to move my hips feeling her amazing body. She matches my movements within a couple of strokes and I am completely lost inside of her. Her body fits mine perfectly; I fit perfectly inside of her because I made her. She is completely mine and I will do everything in my power to make sure that she never leaves me again. She breaks our kiss and lifts her chest off of mine. Placing her hands on my chest she begins to roll her hips faster against mine and her moans grow louder as she nears her release. I am in awe of this beautiful girl as she glides her body against mine. I am so wrapped up in watching her that I realize I am no longer moving my hips; she is doing all the work to reach her climax and it's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Her body begins to shake violently as she reaches her peak and she collapses on my chest as she continues to moan. I wrap my arm around her and shift our bodies so that she is now underneath me. I kiss a slow path from her ear all the way to her mouth where I bite her bottom lip gently before I kiss her sweet mouth as I begin to rock into her with long slow strokes. I stroke almost completely out of her before sliding my length back into her slowly and I continue my slow stroking until she whimpers into my mouth wanting her release again. She breaks our kiss as she digs her fingers into my lower back.
"Please Jace…"
"Faster baby?"
"Please…"
"Tell me Clary…tell me you want me to go faster…"
"Faster…oh please faster Jace…"
I consume her mouth with my own as I begin to increase my pace a little at a time and when I get to a steady pace she groans in my mouth as her thighs tighten around my hips.
"Cum for me Clary…"
I continue to rock into her at a steady pace and within moments she is moaning loudly and repeating my name as she finds her release once more. I keep my steady pace as I get closer to my own release and pick up more speed right before I spill my warmth into her body with a few loud moans of my own before I collapse onto her chest. Once I regain control over my heavy breathing I slide out of her and roll over onto my back; we both just lay there on my bed in a sated state for a few minutes. I feel my eyelids grow heavy but before I allow them to close; her voice wakes me from my near sleeping state.
"Would it be alright if I used your bathroom Jace."
I roll over and slide my hand across her tiny waist as I plant small kisses over her shoulder.
"You are welcome to anything of mine; you don't have to ask to use the bathroom."
She slides her hand over mine on her stomach and laces her fingers in mine before she slides off the edge of the bed; only to release my hand. She takes a step towards the open door of my bathroom and freezes in place; a small whimper escapes her mouth.
"What's wrong Clary? Are you sore?"
"I-I…I'm leaking…" She whispers.
I sit up and turn on my lamp (Alec must have replaced my broken one while I was gone.) to see her standing with her legs apart as she looks down. It takes everything in me not to laugh at the site of my fluids running down her pale thighs; the look on her face tells me I will get slapped for laughing. I stand up and grab my t-shirt off the floor and before she can protest; I use my shirt to wipe my juices from her legs. I see color blaze on her cheeks and she deliberately hides her green eyes from me. I lift her chin and kiss her lips softly before looking into her eyes.
"All better now?" I whisper softly.
"Sorry Jace…"
"For what baby?"
"I guess I didn't realize that would happen; I guess there are lots of things that I don't know about."
"Mmm…yes lots of things indeed…I plan on teaching you so many things baby…"
"What's with the baby thing?"
"You don't want me to call you that? I can stop."
"No…no, I think I like it."
"Kiss me baby…"
"I still need to use the bathroom if that's okay with you?"
"Nope, you're not allowed to use my bathroom now."
"Why? You said I could."
"That's right I did say that but I also said you don't need my permission."
I laugh when she rolls her eyes at me and turns away to go into the bathroom where she shuts it with force. I am lying across the bed replaying our blissful moment when she steps out of the bathroom. She doesn't look at me even though I have my arms stretched out; beckoning her to come to bed with me. She begins to pick up her clothes from the floor and as she pulls her underwear up her thighs my panic begins to set in.
"Please don't leave me Clary…" I can't keep the fear out of my voice as I slide off the bed with the intentions of tackling her to the floor to keep her from leaving my room. She gets to me before I can get to her; she places her small hand on my cheek and looks at me with a look of sadness in her eyes.
"I wasn't going to leave you Jace; I was just going to go to my room to get something to sleep in."
I keep her hand in mine as walk over to my dresser and pull out one of my t-shirts and hold it out to her.
"What's this?"
"One of my shirts; you can wear it for sleeping. As tiny as you are; it will be like a nightgown on you."
She doesn't take my shirt from my hand; instead she steps closer to me and raises her arms in the air.
"Help me?" She questions shyly.
I smile widely at her before I slide my shirt over her body. I don't give her the chance to turn away from me; I wrap my arms around her and lift her to my body. She slides her arms around my shoulder as I pull her thighs up and around my hips where she locks her feet together behind my back. I consume her mouth with mine as I carry her towards my bed. Our kissing continues to go on as I pull my blanket back before climbing into bed. I have this tiny red head pinned underneath my body as I pull the covers over our bodies; I break our intense kiss to bury my face into her hair and squeeze our bodies tighter together.
"Are you going to tie me up next?"
At her strange yet intriguing question I pull my face out of her hair to look into her smiling face.
"Do you want me to tie you up? Seduction is heavy in my voice.
"No!"
Her soft chuckle and her pink cheeks have me confused.
"Then why did you ask me that?"
"I just meant that you seem to think if you don't keep me restrained that I might bolt from your room."
I slide off of her body and lay next to her on the bed on my side so I can face her; my body instantly feels empty and cold now that I am no longer touching her. It takes everything in me to keep my hands to myself.
"I'm sorry." I whisper.
She rolls over and places her hand on my cheek. Her gentle touch instantly warms my cold body and I no longer feel empty. Her hand is like a magnet to my lips; my mouth turns into her palm without me even thinking of my actions.
"I'm the one who should be sorry Jace; I hate that you are afraid that I will leave you. I have no intentions of ever leaving you again."
"You promise?" I can't keep the uncertainty out of my voice.
"I love you Jace…and in some bizarre twist of fate you love me too; I promise that as long as you want me around I will be here."
"What do you mean some bizarre twist of fate?"
"Jace Wayland doesn't fall in love with girls. Jace Wayland floats through life having casual sex with random girls for the simple act of fulfillment of desire."
"Sounds like you are just as afraid of me leaving you as I am of you leaving me."
"I don't want to feel like this but yes that's the way I feel. I feel like I am in a dream when I am with you like this. Like if I wake up you will disappear and my dream will only be just that; a dream."
"Then let's never wake-up Clary because I can't stand the thought of going a single day without you ever again. I want you Clary; no one else but you. I love you…"
"I need to ask you something Jace but I'm afraid of making you angry."
"Don't be afraid Clary…you can ask me anything."
"Did you trash your bedroom because I made you mad?"
"No…" I whisper.
"Then why did you do it?"
"How did you know I trashed my room? Did Alec tell you?"
"Don't be mad at Alec. He didn't say a word to me; I walked past your room and saw him sweeping up the broken glass. When he saw me standing in your doorway he told me to get away and to forget what I saw."
"I'm going to kill him!"
"No! Why?"
"He had no right to talk to you like that."
"He wasn't rude about it Jace; he sounded so sad when he said those things to me. When he looked at me I could see he was scared and confused by the state of your room."
"He felt what I was feeling."
"You mean because you cut your hand open?"
"That too but what I meant was he can feel my emotions; not all parabitai's can feel each other like Alec and I can. I know what that must have felt like to him; it must have tortured him because even I couldn't figure out my feelings at the time."
"So why did you trash your room if you weren't angry with me?"
"The biggest reason; the most important reason I did it was because I was angry. I was pissed at myself for hurting you but that is what makes me the asshole that I am; when someone hurts me; my first reaction is to hurt them back. To hurt them worse than they hurt me but I never meant to hurt you Clary; I am so sorry for hurting you."
"I didn't mean to hurt you Jace. I was just so confused by my emotions that when you asked me if I regretted what we had done I was only trying to be honest with you."
"I know that baby; I know now that you were scared and confused and it did hurt but at least you were being honest about your feelings. I was just being an asshole; I lied to you, I lied to you so that I could hurt you. Being Jace The Asshole is my biggest form of self-preservation; it's how I protect myself from being hurt, how I keep people at a distance that feels comfortable to me. I don't want to be Jace The Asshole anymore Clary; at least not when it comes to you. I want to be good for you. I don't ever want to do anything to you to cause you pain. I understand that I have a shady past and that I have a long list of ex-lovers but that's what they are ex's; none of them ever meant anything to me. You are everything to me Clary; before you I never even knew I wanted more than just an occasional fuck in a filthy bathroom. I don't want that life anymore; I want you. I need to feel this way every day; the way I feel when I am with you. One brush of your soft lips feels more powerful than anything I have ever felt before. If you took every single act of sex that I have ever had and jammed them all into one moment it still wouldn't hold a match to what I feel with you. Do you know why? It's because I love you Clary; when you love someone every single thing feels like more. I will always want that more."
"I don't even know how to respond to that; I feel like anything I could say to what you just said would never be enough to tell you how I feel. All I can say is that I love you. I love you and I will always want more too."
"I promise that I will try my best to not smother you; to try to calm my anxiety about you leaving me. The truth is I don't think you have any idea how lucky I am that you love me. I don't ever want to do anything to fuck that up; I want to show you that I am deserving of your love, deserving of your trust, deserving of your friendship, deserving of being honored to have a special place in your heart just for me."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Of course."
"I know that you didn't tell Alec what happened between us because he was so upset when you left but did you talk to her about us?"
"Her? You mean Emma?"
"Yes, her."
"First of all I am so sorry if you got the wrong impression about Em and I but you really need you to understand how important she is to me. Emma is my friend yet so much more than that somehow; it's as though she is somehow the female version of me. Emma will always be a big part of my life and I would love for you to get to know her. She is an amazing person and she is in no way and never will be a threat to you Clary. The way you say "her" and the way you say her name sounds like a curse word when it comes out of your mouth. Please don't have ill feelings for her; I love her and I don't think I can tolerate you speaking badly about her."
"I'm sorry…"
Turning onto my back I pull her to my side and kiss her hair to soothe away the sting of my words.
"I'm sorry if I upset you Clary but please don't feel hatred or jealousy toward Em. She is no threat to you; I promise. I think if you spent some time with her you would really like her. Like I said she is the female version of me; if you love me then you will love her too."
"I would like to get to know her; if she is an important part of your life then I want to know her."
"Thank you baby. I will get in touch with her and see when we can all get together. I can't tell you how nice it will be to spend time with my two favorite girls in the same room."
"Did you?"
"Did I what?"
"Did you talk to Emma about us?"
"Yes. How does that make you feel?"
"I'm not sure how I feel about it to be honest with you. Why were you able to talk to her and not Alec? What exactly did you tell her about us?"
"As far as Alec goes; I realize that the only reason why I refused to talk to him about us was I was afraid of his judgment. I know him as well as I know myself and I know that he would have been so disappointed in me for the entire situation and I just couldn't handle that. I think the reason why I was able to talk to Em was because she has never once passed judgment for anything I have done or said; now that doesn't mean she doesn't bitch me out for being wrong when I am in fact wrong but there is a difference between being judgmental and calling someone out when they are in the wrong. That is the difference between Alec and Emma. I pretty much told Em everything."
"Everything!"
"Easy Clary…not the details…not the private, intimate details…I did tell her that you were a virgin but other than that we mostly talked about what happened after you and I were together and how I felt about everything. I would never disrespect you by telling anyone those private details."
"I'm sorry that I got exited like that; all I could think about was you telling her how I was a clueless virgin that doesn't know how to touch you or how embarrassingly loud I was or…sorry I am rambling like that. I guess it would be pretty ridiculous to tell anyone details like that; I mean who does that right?"
"Lots of people talk about sex. Girls tell their friends about how big or small a guy's penis is and make fun of guys that can't keep it up or the ones that cum too fast. Dudes are just as guilty; the only difference when it comes to what guys say to each other and what girls say to each other is ninety percent of what guys say is absolute bullshit. Guys lie about sex. They lie about how much sex they are having and they over exaggerate everything."
"Why would guys lie?"
"Because guys are too proud to admit that maybe they aren't as good at sex as they like to say they are. Mostly, we as dudes are all a bunch of insecure assholes."
"Are you insecure?"
"You bet your ass I'm insecure."
"Why? You're so…good at it."
I can't stop the laughter that comes out of my mouth at the way she emphasized the word good. I pull her close and kiss her head as I continue to chuckle.
"You and I have a very intense physical chemistry together and we love each other. So far, I have been as you say "good at it" but there are still many things that we haven't done for me to be insecure about."
"Many things! How many things? What kind of things?"
"No way! I will not start ticking off that list to your sweet innocent ears. Eventually I will have you fully corrupted but for now I think it's best to just take one thing at a time. Fuck there are things that I have done that I don't think I could ever do with you."
"Really like what?!"
"There is way too much excitement in your voice right now Clary. Forget it; I won't even tell you those things. Maybe someday I will but not for a long, long time."
"Oh, okay." She whines and I do my best to keep my chest from shaking with silent laughter but it's no use; she can feel it and after she pokes my rib with her tiny finger even she can't contain her giggles. Our laughter trickles off and we lay there in comfortable silence until I decide to ask her a question.
"Can I ask you a question Clary?"
"Sure."
"When did you get on birth control?"
"About a week after I got here; so, six months ago. Why?"
"Why indeed Clary? Am I the reason why you went on birth control?"
"Uh…sort of."
"What do you means sort of?"
"Okay the day I came to the institute I had really bad cramps; they were so bad that I laid in bed for that whole first day. You see coming here was very stressful for me and when I am stressed I get severe cramps. Izzy told me that if I went on birth control that it would help my cramps so I figured that it probably wasn't a terrible idea for me to have protection against pregnancy in the first place; so it would be worth a shot to see if would help my cramps. The way my hormones would go crazy when I looked at you made me think being on birth control was probably a good idea as well."
"Okay."
"That's it? Just okay?"
"I don't really know what else to say. I mean yeah that's cool if it helps with your female issues and I think it's smart for a girl to make sure she is protected but…"
"But what?"
"It is a little weird if I was part of your reasoning to be honest with you."
Oh shit I just fucked up by saying that; she tries to pull away from me and I end up climbing on top of her and pinning her down. Her green eyes are full of shame when I look down at her and I kiss her hard on the mouth to try to make that look go away before I stop kissing her and look at her again.
"I'm sorry baby…please don't be ashamed. I guess the only reason why I said that is because I am still trying to figure out why someone as good as you would want anything to do with me; especially that early on. I know my sister and I know for a fact she probably pulled you aside and told you to stay the hell away from me. I can only imagine some of the things she must have told you."
"You're right about that Jace; Izzy did tell me to stay away from you and she did tell me quite a few things but it didn't matter I still wanted you."
I kiss her soft lips for a moment before rolling off of her and lay on my back again; pulling her to my side once again.
"Do I dare ask you what kind of things Izzy told you about me?"
"Probably nothing like you might be thinking."
"Tell me what she told you. You don't have to worry about me saying anything to her; I promise you I won't."
"She told me that I seemed like a really nice girl and she said she saw the way I looked at you; she told me I seemed like the type of girl who was looking for that perfect boyfriend and she informed me that you were never going to be that perfect boyfriend. She said you don't do relationships and she said that you have been through your fair share of one night stands with numerous girls."
"Wow."
"Please don't be mad at Izzy."
"How could I be mad at her? Everything she told you was true. I guess I am just surprised that she was so observant about my life style. I guess you could say I have always been pretty private about the girls I fucked but apparently nothing gets past my nosey sister. Izzy can be such a bitch sometimes; don't take that the wrong way, she's my sister and I love her dearly but she lives to bust my balls about pretty much everything. I guess I am surprised that she never once mentioned my sex life. It's not like I ever felt ashamed about what I was doing or anything; it's just keeping that shit private meant Izzy wouldn't have yet another thing to torment me about and I wouldn't have to deal with Alec scowling at me all the time."
"Alec seems to judge you a lot."
"He does but the thing is about Alec is he means well. He only wants what's best for me and doesn't want me to get into trouble or getting hurt. His intentions are heartfelt it's his delivery that sucks."
"He loves you."
"I know…I love him too." I yawn loudly and my eyes grow heavy.
"Are you tired?"
"Yeah…I couldn't tell you when the last time was that I got a full night of sleep. Getting drunk and passing out doesn't compare to a goodnights sleep. I have a feeling I will sleep like the dead tonight though."
"Really why?"
"Because I have you. Since that night you came into my room I have slept like shit. I slept like shit because I wanted you and I couldn't have you."
"I felt the same way. After you left it got so much worse; it seemed like all I did was sleep all the time but I never really felt like I got any sleep at all."
"Do you want to hear something interesting Clary? Something you probably didn't know about me?"
"What's that?"
"Pretty much by the end of your first month here I have dreamed about you almost every night. Those green eyes of yours were in my dreams almost every night and I thought about you constantly during the day. Every time I saw you I felt my pulse quicken. I realize that you and I never really got to spend much one on one time with each other but any time I was near you my eyes were glued on you. I watched everything you did and I listened to everything you said. I watched and listened so closely that I knew what you were going to say before you even said it sometimes; I knew what kind of facial expressions you were going to make at certain times. I know it sound crazy but I feel like I know you so well."
"What do you mean you knew what kind of facial expressions I was going to make?"
"Well, for example every time you take a bite out of your coconut pancakes from Taki's you close your eyes on that very first bite and you chew that very first bite so slowly so you can savor the taste of it. I have watched you do that so many times that I knew exactly how you would look when you took that first bite. Every time you have to jump from the second to the last rope to the last rope in the obstacle course you wrinkle your nose and scrunch your eyebrows together; every time, every single time. Or how when you have your sketch pad on your lap and you are trying to think of something to draw; you always tilt your head up and to the left and you always have your right eye crinkled shut. I could go on all night like this Clary."
"I don't think you're crazy; I feel like I know you too. I watch everything you do and I hear everything you say. I never have trouble trying to figure out what to draw in my sketch pad; only how I want to draw. You are what I draw all the time; I only ever have to take time to think about how I want to draw you. Do I want to draw you sleeping under a tree at the park? Do I want to draw you throwing knives at a target in the training room? Do I want to draw you standing in the doorway of the institute dripping wet because you were out for a run when it started to unexpectedly rain? All I think about is you; all I dream about is you."
"I hope you're not angry with me for this; but I looked at some of your drawing of me when I was in your room and they're wonderful Clary. You have such an amazing talent for art; I am in awe of you."
"I'm not angry at you for looking at my drawings; maybe a little embarrassed because now you know just how infatuated I am with you."
"Oh baby if you could only see inside of my mind; you would see just how infatuated I am with you."
"In awe of me huh? Who would have thought someone like you would be in awe of someone like me?"
"And why not? Clary you are a terrific person. You have excelled in your education and once you got comfortable with your own body you are making amazing strides in your training. You have the sweetest disposition and you care so much for other people to the point of putting your own needs on the back burner for the sake of someone else's needs. You are so damned funny; I don't think you know how much you make me laugh. Before you came along; I don't remember laughing as much as I do when I am around you. Your artistic talent is stunning…should I go on? I could go on and on about how amazing I think you really are."
"Huh? What? Oh, I'm sorry I must have dozed off at your drivel. What were you saying now?"
I laugh and pull her on top of my body before pulling her in for a long kiss. She nuzzles her face into my shoulder and within a few minutes her breathing becomes steady as she falls asleep on my chest. I can't imagine having a better feeling than I do right now. I love this beautiful girl and she loves me and up until a few hours ago I would have never really understood how that makes me feel. I never want this wonderful feeling to go away. I will do everything in my power to keep this feeling. I will do everything in my power to show this girl how much I love her and prove to her that Mr. Jace Wayland, Mr. no-strings attached, Mr. Jace the Asshole; is deserving of her love. Deserving of having a special place in her beautiful heart.
AUTHORS NOTE:
THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ THIS CHAPTER. IT WOULD MEAN THE WORLD TO ME TO HEAR A LITTLE SOMETHING FROM ALL YOU LOVELY READERS; YOU ARE ALL SO QUITE AND I AM WORRIED THAT YOU ARE AFRAID TO TALK TO ME. PLEASE DON'T BE AFRAID…I'M HERE AND I READ ANY REVIEWS/QUESTIONS/COMMENTS THAT YOU HAVE…I ALSO DO MY BEST TO RESPOND. HAVE A GREAT DAY….LOVE…N….