Song List For This Next Chapter…
Take A Number - Stone Sour
Southtown - P.O.D.
Tonight The World Dies - Avenged Sevenfold
Good Man - Devour The Day
Come With Me Now - Kongos
Say This Sooner - Almost
Angel - Theory Of A Deadman
Astronomy - Metallica
Can You Feel My Heart - Bring Me The Horizon
This Is How I Disappear - My Chemical Romance
You - Breaking Benjamin
Coming Down - Five Finger Death Punch
What A Shame - Shinedown
The doctor kneels down in front of the three of us and I see the holy man make his way towards our little huddle. I feel the urge to put my hand out and call some sort of chant to pump my team up for the next play on the field like they do in football. I just now realize that this is the end of me; the fucked up thoughts that are going through my head right now are only proof that I have lost my mind completely.
"This is Pastor Tomlin; he will be here to talk with the three of you if you are interested. I apologize for not introducing myself to the three of you first. My name is Dr. Stubben and I have been with Clarissa since she got here."
"Where you the doctor who performed her surgery too?" I ask weakly; I am stalling. I don't want to hear what he has to tell me.
"Yes I was."
"What did she need surgery for?" Simon asks.
"Well…Clarissa sustained several major injuries. Her left lung was collapsed and she had a deep laceration in her spleen. Clarissa sustained a rather large gash in her head; along with countless other lacerations over her entire left side and between that and the laceration in her spleen she has lost quite a bit of blood. We had to give her almost three pints of blood before her heartrate and blood pressure leveled out. I believe that honesty is always the best policy when it comes to giving out information to the family. So to be completely honest with you three; it was pretty touch and go for Clarissa for a while. Now with that being said my team is confident that her surgery went well. Right now she is in recovery and she hasn't come out of anesthesia quite yet; considering the amount of trauma she has gone through most likely she will sleep for a good part of the day. I am confident that she will make a full recovery but her tiny body has been through a lot and she will need time to heal."
The room goes silent after the doctor finishes speaking and the silence hits me hard. The silence is the bad news; the silence is the unspoken questions from the three of us and the unspoken answers from the doctor with glasses too big for his face. Pastor Tomlin (surprisingly I remember his name) places his hand on my knee and I feel all the air in my lungs leave my body and my mouth feels as dry as a dessert as he looks at me with sympathy. I want to shake his hand off of me and I want to grab ahold of the doctor and shake him violently so he will end my suffering by telling me the bad news that I can feel (actually feel) coming my way. Another part of me wants to get up and bolt from the room with my hands over my ears. Like if I don't hear the bad news than it's not true. I open my mouth to speak but I just sit there with my mouth hanging open; I have lost the ability to form words and I don't even remember how my brain is supposed to make my voice speak the question that is floating in my head. Alec's weak voice speaks the question that needs to be answered.
"What about the baby?"
Dr. Stubben takes a short moment to study the three of us sitting in front of him. I can tell he is trying to figure out who we really are to Clary. I have made the claim that Alec is my brother and that Simon is Clary's brother and by the way the doctor is looking at the three of us; I can tell he is having trouble making the connection.
"Jace are you certain that you want these two in the room with you right now?"
I just nod my head as I feel Alec and Simon grip my hands tighter in theirs. The tight grip from them is their way of saying 'we are here for you Jace and we aren't going anywhere'. I weakly squeeze their hands in return so they know that I need them to stay with me.
"I am so sorry to tell you that there was nothing we could do to save the fetus."
"She's a fucking baby; she's my fucking daughter! Don't you dare call her a god damned fetus like that; like she's nothing! She's not nothing; she is everything; everything do you hear me?" Somehow I managed to find my voice only to spit out a line of obscenities in this holy place and in front of pastor Tomlin. Alec lets go of my hand and I can feel his arms around me as he chokes back a sob. Simon has turned into a statue at my side; his cool hand feels dead (I get it he's a vampire; it's normal for his hand to feel that way to me) in my palm.
"My deepest apologies for speaking out of turn with you Jace. Sometimes we doctors get so caught up in medical terminology that we sometimes loose our compassion for the loved ones of our patients."
"She's…gone? My daughter is gone?" My voice is empty.
"I am truly sorry for your loss Jace. Your baby was already gone by the time we got Clarissa into the operating room."
"Where is she? I want to see her."
"Clarissa should be in her room by now but she is most likely…"
"Not Clary; my daughter. I want to see my daughter."
"Jace don't. Please don't ask to see her. Why would you want to see something like that?" Alec's words come out broken from his loud sobbing.
"Because she's my baby girl Alec; because I love her; because I have a right to say goodbye to her."
"If you can wait a few minutes Jace; I can have the nurses make a place for you to see your daughter if that is what you really want." The doctor's words are full of uncertainty.
"That's what I want." My words are clear and surprisingly loud in this small room.
The doctor gets up and exits the room and I rise from the wooden pew to begin pacing the floor as I wait to go see my daughter. Alec and Simon remain sitting and I can feel them looking at me and I can see them looking at each other in silent conversation as they watch me pace the floor. Pastor Tomlin starts to walk towards me but before he can speak to me Alec jumps up and steers the pastor away from me; Alec, Simon and the pastor leave me alone in the room. I continue my slow pacing as I count the green dots that are lined up on the blue carpet; one two three turn, one two three turn, one two three turn. I am so focused on counting those green dots that when I hear the soft voice of a woman call my name I nearly jump.
"Jace if you are ready to see her you can come with me." The nurse has warm brown eyes and shoulder length brown hair with a few highlights to frame her heart shaped face. She is young, maybe twenty-one or so and she is very pretty; I shake my head when I realize that I just thought of her as pretty. Why would I give a shit whether or not some fucking nurse is pretty at a time like this? Maybe I really have lost my mind after all. I silently follow the nurse for what feels like a long time before she stops in front of a door. She slides her ID card through the machine and I can hear the click of the door as it unlocks. The nurse turns the handle and cracks the door open but puts her hand up to stop me before I can go in the room.
"No one will bother you in here Jace so you can take as much time as you need with her." Her voice is soothing and her brown eyes look at me with so much sympathy that I feel the crazy urge to bash her highlighted hair off the door that she is opening for me.
"Thank you." I mumble as I push my way into the room and close the door behind me.
The room is mostly empty but right in the center of the room I see one of the small clear crib type things that you see in most hospitals. I keep my eyes to the floor as I slowly walk towards the crib; my legs feel like they weigh a thousand pounds and it's hard to lift each foot as I get closer and closer to my daughter. My eyes are closed as my fingers grip the side of the clear plastic crib and I have to take a few deep breaths so I don't pass out. When I open my eyes to look at my baby girl a wretched sound makes me jump back from the crib only to realize that the wretched sound came from me. When I look into the crib again my heart feels like it has stopped beating all together in my hollow chest. She is so damn tiny and she looks so beautiful that I think she is sleeping. There isn't a mark on her tiny body and her little head has a sweet pink hat with a dark pink bow on the front of it. I glance at the card at the end of her crib; it reads:
Name: Baby Girl Fairchild Wayland
D O B: 06/10/2014
T O B: 3:07pm DECEASED
Weight: 2 LBS 9OZ
Length: 14 ½ inches.
Mother: Clarissa Fairchild
FATHER: Jace Wayland
My daughter is so small that she looks like a tiny sleeping doll. I guess I expected her to look less developed for being only a few days shy of twenty-nine weeks but she looks perfect. I glance over my shoulder to see if anyone is around even though I know I am alone in the room. Not seeing anyone I lift my baby girl into my hands; feeling how light she is and seeing that she isn't any bigger than the size of my hand is enough to make me choke back a sob as I look at her tiny body. I must be broken because surly looking at my dead daughter in my hand should be enough to make tears pour out of my eyes. There are no tears; in fact I don't even feel like they are even in there to come ever again.
I spot a chair on the other side of the room and carry the baby over in my palm and sit down; pulling her to my face where I run my cheek lightly against hers for a moment before I kiss her tiny nose. I can't be certain but from what I can see she has Clary's nose and Clary's full lips. Her eyebrows are the same shape as mine and her long fingers look like miniature versions of my own. Her skin is so soft and she smells wonderful as I press my face against her tiny belly. She is so tiny that when I try to cradle her in my arms I feel like she will slip through my arms so I hold her against the crook of my neck and talk to her. If there is any kind of god or any kind of after-life; then right now I am praying that somehow this tiny Angel can hear my words.
"Hello my little Angel; I'm your daddy. Do you have any idea how much me and mommy love you? I am so sorry that you will never get to grow up; I am so sorry that you will never live on this earth. I was so excited for you to be born. I couldn't wait until your first smile; your first little giggle. I was planning on teaching you to say daddy as your first word just so we could make your mommy jealous of our bond. You were going to be my little princess; we were going to be thick as thieves you and I. You were going to be daddy's little helper…you see because your mommy is…well mommy can be quite messy but that's okay because you and I were going to team up and keep her messes cleaned up. Baby girl…I used to pretend to be sleeping when your mommy would rub you in her belly and talk to you late at night. Mommy would tell you how she couldn't wait for you to come out to meet us. Mommy would tell you that she hoped you had daddy's eyes and the perfect mix of my blond hair and her red hair. Mommy wanted you to have beautiful strawberry blond hair with soft curls. Mommy would tell you how she hoped you were artistic like she is and sweet like I am…mommy thinks I am sweet but I think mommy is sweeter than me. It's too bad you will never be able to take my side on that argument. I could picture you and I saying 'no way momma you're the sweetest'. I could picture you and I bringing home mommy special little prizes from time to time so she knows just how much we love her. Aunt Izzy was going to teach you all about fashion and Uncle Magnus and Uncle Alec were going to take you to see musicals. Daddy was going to teach you how to dance. Mommy was going to teach you how to be a strong woman like she is and we were both going to teach you how to be a better shadowhunter than the two of us combined…Oh and Aunt Emma wanted to teach you how to surf. Don't get me started on your Uncle Simon; if you think daddy would be protective of you then you would be surprised just how much Uncle Simon would want to protect you as well. Uncle Simon is mommy's best friend and mommy loves him very much; daddy loves him too. You would have loved Simon baby girl…he would have taught you how to read comic books and he would have made mommy and daddy angry for giving you your first cup of coffee to soon. I'm so sorry I will never be able to hold you while you cry over your first crush. I am so sorry I will never be able to teach you how to read or how to write your name. I am so sorry I will never get the chance to show you that I could be such a good daddy to you baby girl. When mommy told me you were in her belly I was so scared at first but after the shock wore off…I wanted you so bad…I still do…but I can't have you…I'll never know what it will feel like to have you hold my hand. I knew how much I wanted you but now that your gone I would do anything to have you back…I never knew I could be so in love with someone I never even laid eyes on. My sweet little girl; I love you so much. "
The quiet room I am sitting in while I hold her cold little body close to my heart is beginning to feel suffocating. I glance at the clock on the wall to see that it is almost eight o'clock; I wonder how long I have been in here? I think I remember seeing that it was close to six just before the doctor came out into the waiting room to talk to me. I don't think we were in the Chaplin for very long so that must mean that I have been holding my dead daughter for almost two hours. Alec and Simon must be worried about me and I wonder if Clary is awake yet? Does Clary know that our baby girl is no longer in her belly?
After I place my daughter back in her crib and cover her up so she won't feel cold I lean down and give her one last kiss on her sweet little cheek.
"Goodbye my sweet Angel. Where ever you are; always know how much mommy and daddy wanted you to be here with us. Always know just how much you are loved baby girl."
As soon as I shut the door as I step out into the hall my body falls to the floor; every part of me feels numb as I slide to the waxed tiles of the hospital. The sounds that are escaping from my chest begin to draw the attention of a nurse that is walking down the hall. My loud sobs and painful choking sounds are so hard to control that I feel like I can't get any air into my lungs as endless tears finally spill over my skin. I make no attempt to wipe the moister from my face or to muffle my painful cries as I see Alec approach me. Alec sets down on the floor beside me and I fall against his chest so he will hold me. Alec rubs my back and holds me as I continue to cry over the loss of my little girl. I lose track of time as I cry on Alec's shirt but after a while I feel the need to speak; my voice sounds like gravel.
"Where did Simon go?"
"He's still here; he is in with Clary. I didn't want her to be alone when she woke up."
"Is she awake?" My gravelly voice is full of panic.
"She was still sleeping when I left to come find you. You were in there for a long time Jace. Were you able to say goodbye to her?"
"Y-yes…I didn't want to but I did. Alec she is so beautiful and she smells so good. See all the bigger my hand is? That's how tiny she is; she isn't even three whole pounds. She has the cutest little pink hat on and she looks like a sleeping Angel…Alec…I love her so much…why…why can't I have her…what did I do so wrong in life that I have to be punished like this…why won't I ever be able to see her grow up?"
"Don't talk like that Jace. You didn't do anything wrong in life. I know how this must feel like some kind of horrible punishment but the truth is…what happened was a tragic accident."
"I think my heart is broken Alec."
"Mine too Jace; mine too."
"How am I going to tell Clary?"
"Telling her will be painful but only you will be able to comfort her the way she will need you to. Why don't we take a walk and see if she is awake yet?"
"I'm scared to see her."
"She has a lot of bandages on her and she has tubes sticking out of her arms and there are machines that make all kind of weird noise in there. But underneath all of that is your Clary."
"O-okay…will you go in with me?"
"Of course I will and Simon will be there too."
"M-my…my sister? Where is she?"
"She is still sleeping; the doctors said she will probably sleep until morning."
Alec stops in front of a door and I just now realized that we are no longer sitting on the floor outside of the room I spent the last two hours in. Somehow I managed to walk on my own two feet the whole way to the other side of the hospital to the ICU unit to see Clary. As soon as I step into the room I can see Simon setting in a chair next to her bed and the sounds the machines are making seem too damn loud to my ears. Stepping into the room further all I can focus my eyes on is Clary's flat stomach. Her stomach is no longer round and it no longer holds our sweet little baby inside. I slowly remove my eyes from her middle and begin to look at the rest of her body; when I finally reach her face I double over and begin to dry heave with a terrible wave of nausea.
Dear god! That's not her; that can't be my beautiful green eyed girl lying in that bed. Her pale face is almost completely purple and her red hair looks dull from the terrible job they did trying to wash the blood out of it. Simon brought me the trash can and placed it in front of me just in case there might be anything in my stomach to throw up but all that comes out of me is dry heaves. After a few minutes I manage to control my gagging and allow Alec and Simon to help me up off the floor and they help me over to the chair where I sit down. I lean forward and take Clary's hand in mine and kiss her palm as I press it against my cheek. I hope she knows that it's me holding her hand. Not wanting to risk her not knowing I am here; I stand up and whisper in her ear. The smell of blood in her hair is enough to make me feel sick all over again.
"I'm here Clary; I'm not going anywhere sweetheart. Sleep as long as you want but I just want you to know I will be here when you wake up."
I pull back to look at her almost unrecognizable face to see if she has any reaction to my words; when she doesn't I sit back down and rest my head on the side of her bed. I keep her hand pressed against my cheek as I close my eyes. All I see when I close my eyes is my baby girl in my hand; I feel the smallest smile on my face as I think about that sweet little Angel.
I must have fallen asleep because I can feel someone running their fingers through my hair; I lift my head to see that it is my sister smiling down at me while Clary continues to sleep. I stand up and every muscle in my body feels tight; I feel like I just ran twenty miles. Izzy presses her hand against my chest as she rests her dark hair on my shoulder; carefully I wrap my arms around her and give her a gentle hug so I don't hurt her injuries. When she steps back her dark eyes are glassy and the grimace on her face when she glances at Clary's broken body lying on the bed makes my chest ache.
"Alec told me about the baby; I am so sorry Jace."
"Shh…I don't know how much she can hear and I want to be the one to tell her. Where is Alec?"
"He went with Simon; Simon needed to get something from his apartment."
The something that Simon must need to get has to be blood considering that he has been here at the hospital with us all day and most of the night. When I glance out of the small window in Clary's room I can see that the sun is starting to come up; it must be a little after six in the morning. No wonder my muscles hurt; I must have slept in that chair for close to seven hours.
"How are you feeling Iz?"
"Terrible; I'm glad they are working on my discharge papers. I can't wait to go home and use my stele and take a hot shower."
"I wish I could get away with taking Clary out of here; I know she would heal so much faster if I could use my stele on her. I have mine with me and I'm half tempted to just use it on her anyhow."
"Jace you can't do that. If the doctors come in here and find her injuries healing at that rate of speed they will lock her up as some kind of miracle patient; you will just have to wait until they let her go home."
"I have a feeling she will be in here a while."
"She doesn't even really look like Clary with all those bruises and bandages does she?"
"She looks so much smaller in that bed with all those tubes coming out of her." I mumble as I take Clary's hand in mine.
Izzy comes and stands beside me and holds my other hand as the two of us look down at Clary. Suddenly one of the machines starts beeping loudly and before either one of us can react; two nurses come rushing in. One of the nurses gives me an apologetic smile as she pushes me out of the way to check on Clary. The other nurse hurries to the phone hanging on the wall and presses a button before her soft yet clear voice speaks into the receiver.
"Yes this is Nurse Adams; I need Dr. Stubben in room 219 immediately."
Nurse Adams darts her light colored(I think they might actually be green) eyes in my direction as she waits for a response from whoever she is speaking to.
"Dr. Liptak will be fine but get a page out to Dr. Stubben also; he wants to be up to date on Miss Fairchild's status at all times."
Nurse Adams hangs up the phone and returns to Clary's side; thankfully she presses several buttons on the beeping machine and it goes silent.
"What's wrong? Is she going to be okay?" I ask weakly.
Nurse Adams finally looks me straight in the eye and I can now see that her eyes are in fact green. Her green eyes are a very light green though; Clary has almost Emerald green eyes.
"I would prefer to wait for Dr. Liptak to take a look at Clary's vitals before I say anything. You are her fiancé right?"
"Y-yes, my name is Jace and this is my sister Isabelle."
Nurse Adams light green eyes glance at Izzy for a moment before she looks at me again; there is a look of pity in her eyes when she look at me again that wasn't there before. She must know about the baby because she places her hand on my arm as she speaks to me.
"My deepest condolences Jace."
I don't know what to say to her so I just nod my head; her small smile tells me she understands my loss for words. The door to Clary's room opens and in walks a tall thin doctor with dark hair and a dark complexion; this must be Dr. Liptak. I watch him as he reads numbers that I don't understand off the many machines that are hooked up to Clary. He rattles off words to the other nurse who's name I don't know and she quickly leaves the room only to return shortly. Izzy and I stand back and watch quietly as the unknown nurse hands Nurse Adams a syringe that she injects into one of the tubes that stick out of Clary's arm. Both the nurses leave the room before Dr. Liptak turns his attention towards Izzy and I.
"You must be Jace and this must be Isabelle right?"
"Yes sir."
"I didn't know you were being discharged yet Miss. Lightwood."
"I'm waiting for them to finish my paperwork."
"Well maybe you should go check with the nurse's station to see if they are finished. Nurse Pash will be happy to help you with them; just ask for her when you go to the station."
"What's wrong with Clary? What was that stuff you gave her?" Izzy has her protective voice as she narrows her dark eyes at the doctor. Dr. Liptak glances at me quickly; the quick look tells me that we need to not upset Izzy any more than we need to. I place my arm around my sister and push her towards the door.
"Go and check on your paperwork Izzy; I can fill you in when you get back."
Izzy looks at me for a short moment; she looks like she wants to protest but then she just leaves the room without a word. After I close the door I turn back towards the doctor.
"Okay, she's gone now so please tell me what's going on with Clary."
"Well Jace, the swelling in Clarissa's brain hasn't gone down like we would have liked it to by now. Please try not to over react to my words. The medicine that Nurse Adams gave to her will keep her sleeping longer; the longer she can sleep the less stress she will have. She needs to rest while her body tries to heal. There is only so much us doctors can do for her; the rest is up to her."
"I like how you talk to me. You don't talk to me like I'm stupid but then you also don't talk to me in words I don't understand."
"I have always made it a point to speak to patients and their loved ones on simple terms. To be honest with you I think some of the doctors like to use all those big fancy words just to show off. Do you have any questions for me?"
"When will she wake up?"
"Clarissa is Dr. Stubbens patient so he will be able to answer that question better than me. Now if you are asking my honest opinion then I think it would be a good idea to keep Clarissa in an induced coma for at least three days to get the swelling to go down in her brain."
"That's what Nurse Adams gave her then; she gave her the medicine to keep her in a coma?"
"That's correct. Dr. Stubben can decide whether or not to keep giving her the medicine or not."
"I hope he does. I think you might be right about keeping her sleeping for a while."
"I appreciate your vote of confidence in me Jace but please understand that Dr. Stubben is an excellent doctor. He is one of the best here so if he comes in and decides to take a different route with Clarissa; please know that he would only do what he thinks will be best for her."
"Thank you Dr. Liptak."
"You're welcome Jace. Why don't you go home and get some food and a hot shower; maybe even a decent nap? She will be sleeping for a while so you won't miss anything I promise."
"I don't really want to leave her."
"She will never know you're gone; I assure you. Why don't you take your sister home and help her get settled?"
"Our brother Alec will be back soon so he can take Izzy home."
"Listen Jace; you seem like a good kid so I will try to explain this in a straight forward manor. Clarissa will be sleeping for at least the rest of the day if not for the next several days and if you spend every second of that time sitting in this room it will drive you insane. Go home Jace; get a little R and R for yourself kid. Clarissa will need you to be one hundred percent when she wakes up; she is going to need you to be strong for her. The loss you two have suffered is tremendous and it's your job to be strong for her."
"Who will be strong for me?" My voice breaks and my own question.
"Keep your siblings close; they can provide you with the strength you need. Now please take my advice and get out of here for a little while."
"Yes sir and thank you."
Dr. Liptak pulls out a card from his pocket and hands it to me.
"You take this Jace and give her a call when you're ready. I think Alva will be able to help you though some of the harder days that are coming your way."
"Who is Alva and what do you mean help me through the harder days."
"Alva is a psychiatrist; she specializes in grief counselling."
I understand what Dr. Liptak is trying to tell me but I don't want to talk about the hard days to come just yet; I simply nod my head at him as I shove the card into my pocket. Dr. Liptak leaves the room and I kiss Clary's hand and tell her I will be back later before I go and find Izzy. I find Izzy setting in a chair beside a young male that might be one of the nurses. He is asking her questions and writing down the answers that Izzy gives him. Izzy; being true to herself; uses her wounded state to take advantage of this young man so she doesn't have to fill out her own paperwork. Seeing this almost makes me chuckle but at the same time I want to go over and scold my sister for flirting with him. She shouldn't be flirting with him right now for two reasons: one being her and Clary were just in a horrible car accident and two being she still has Simon on a string. The truth of it all is I know that Izzy's attempt to flirt with this young man is only her way of distracting her mind; that's the only reason why I simply just stand off to the side and wait for the two of them to finish. I pull my phone out and find Alec in my contacts before pushing the call button.
"Good morning Jace."
"Where are you?"
"On my way towards Simons place; he needed blood and I went home and took a quick shower. We will be back at the hospital in about twenty minutes."
"No don't come back here Alec. I am going to take Izzy home and get her settled in and after I get a shower I will meet you at Simons."
"Um…I want to ask why but I won't."
"Thank you Alec; see you in about an hour then."
"Sounds good brother; see you soon."
"I love you Alec."
"Love you too Jace."
I shove my phone back in my pocket and make a mental note to plug it in when I get home to charge the almost dead battery. Izzy's dark eyes are looking at me when I glace up.
"Did I hear you tell Alec that you are meeting him at Simons?"
"Yeah after I get my shower."
"Good; I can be ready if you will help me with my injuries?"
"I will help you but you won't be going with me."
"What? Why not?"
"You need to go home and rest Izzy. There is only so much a stele can do for you; you have a concussion and you need to rest."
"I want to be with you Jace."
"Please don't pout like that Iz; besides I am going to see if Magnus will come to the institute and stay with you while Alec and I are gone. Maybe Magnus can work some of his warlock magic on you."
"Well as long as I will be with someone; I don't want to be alone right now Jace."
"I understand; don't worry Magnus will come. Let's get you home now okay."
When Izzy and I get back to the institute I walk her to her room so she can get a shower. I get to my own room and pull my phone out to call Magnus; hoping he will answer my call and hoping he will do what I ask him too. Magnus likes to give me a hard time; he tells me that just because he is dating my parabitai doesn't mean he will be at my beckon call all the time. I think the fact that Alec and I are so close is part of the reason why Magnus refuses most of my request; so here goes nothing.
"Jace, sweetie, how are you this morning?"
"Um…hello Magnus…I…shit…the way you answered the phone has me thrown off."
"Thrown off? Why?"
"Well because you usually aren't that nice to me when you answer your phone; hell half the time you won't even take my calls."
"I do have a heart you know. I know when I can get away with giving you a hard time and I know when not too. Now is not the time to be cruel to you like I usually am. Do you just want to talk or did you need a favor?"
"I do have a favor actually; I was wondering if you would be willing to come to the institute to sit with Izzy while I go see Simon and Alec. She doesn't want to be alone right now."
"I would be happy to sit with Isabelle but I know her and I know that she would rather be with her brothers right now."
"That's true but I don't want her to go where we are going Magnus."
"Where exactly are you going?"
"I need to see it Magnus; I don't really know why but I know I just need to see it. Taking Izzy will only upset her more."
"Okay. I'll be there in ten minutes Jace."
"Thank you so much Magnus; this really means a lot to me."
"It's no problem Jace. Can I ask how sleeping beauty is today?"
"They gave her medicine to keep her in a coma. The doctor said her brain is still swelled and the coma is her best chance right now; that's really all I can tell you."
"She's a fiery little thing; I just know she will be okay Jace."
"I hope you're right Magnus; I can't lose her too."
"You won't. Look I am walking there now and I need to make a quick phone call before I get there so I will talk to you later Jace."
"Sure thing Magnus and thanks again."
Magnus hangs up and I plug my phone in to the charger before I jump in the shower. After I get dressed I head down the hall to let Izzy know that I am leaving. When I reach her room I can hear Magnus talking to her in a soft voice. I poke my head into Izzy's bedroom to find her and Magnus lying on the bed and Izzy is cuddled up to Magnus's long body as he strokes her dark hair.
"Hey." I whisper.
"Hi." Izzy sniffs.
"You should wear white t-shirts more often Jace; you look good in them." Magnus says with a grin.
"You two good here then?"
Izzy buries her face into Magnus's chest and he just nods his glitter spiked head at me. I decide to just leave my phone on the charger until I get back because I want to have a full battery when I return to the hospital later. As I walk down the street towards Simon's apartment I keep thinking that I should call Emma and tell her what happened but I just can't bring myself to call her just yet. I knock on Simon's door and wait for him to answer; after almost a full minute the door finally swings open and Simon looks like he just woke up.
"Were you sleeping? Where's Alec?"
"Yeah sorry Jace; guess I dozed off for a minute. Alec is sleeping in my room; he told me to wake him up when you got here."
"Well I'm here now so could you please go wake him up; I'd like to get going."
"Get going? Where are you going?"
"I need to go see the car; I talked to the cops this morning and they told me where it is."
"Jace I don't know if that's a good idea."
"You're probably right but I am still going and I would like for you and Alec to go with me. I really need the two of you there; I don't know if I can do this alone Simon."
"Of course I'll go with you Jace and I am sure Alec will too; let me go wake him up."
I wait by the door to Simon's apartment while he goes to wake up Alec. A few minutes later Simon returns with Alec by his side; Alec looks tired as he attempts to tame down his messy hair.
"What was Simon telling me about the three of us going to see some car?"
"Not just some car Alec; my car; the one Clary was almost killed in; the one my daughter was killed in."
"Shit…I don't think we should go Jace."
"I'm going and Simon already said he would go with me; you can stay here and sleep for all I care."
"Bullshit! You care and you know it Jace. Stop acting like I don't give a shit about you. I'll go with you; you know I will; I was only saying that I didn't think it was a good idea."
"Well since everyone is willing to go then let's go." I mutter to the two of them as my eyes try to tell Alec that I am sorry for snapping at him. I should tell him how sorry I really am out loud but I'm afraid if I don't watch what kind of feelings I allow to float to the surface then I will be a bawling mess. It's not that I refuse to cry; it's just that I know that once Clary wakes up the tears will come back full force. The three of us walk in silence to the subway and the silence continues as the underground train takes us to the northern part of the city towards Joe's Salvage and Impound lot.
A bell chimes when I open the glass door to the Impound lot and a short round man with soft eyes looks up from a desk as he chomps away at a donut.
"You kids' caught me having a little snack. The name's Joe what can I do for you today?"
"Hello Joe it's nice to meet you. My name is Jace Wayland; you have my car here and I was wondering if I could take a look at it."
"What kind of car is it?"
"Um…a 1970 Buick GSX; it's white with black stripes."
"Ahh yes I know the car; looks like it was in mint condition before. Did you do all that work yourself or did you buy it that way?"
"No I did the work myself; I had a little help from my brother and my sister but most of it was done by me."
"Such a shame that it was wrecked; but you look like you came out of it okay."
"My fiancé was the one who was in it when an ice truck t-boned her; my sister was in the car too."
"Oh…I'm sorry. Are they okay?"
"My sister is home resting now. Clary…that's my fiancé; she is in pretty bad shape…she lost our…we lost…" That's it; I can't hold my tears in anymore as I try to explain my dead daughter to this stranger. I catch Alec whisper something into Simon's ear and then Simon grabs ahold of me and takes me outside while Alec remains inside with Joe.
Simon stands beside me with his hand on my shoulder as I attempt to control my tears; his respectful silence is nearly enough to keep the endless tears streaming down my face. After a few minutes Alec comes outside to join us; he stands in front of me and I look up the two inches that he has over me to look into his blue eyes.
"Um…well he told me where to go if you want to see the car. He said you are welcome to take anything out of it that you might want. Jace we don't have to do this; we can just go home if this is too much for you."
"Too much for me? Of course this is too much for me Alec but I feel like it's something I need to do. I'm sure I am making a huge mistake by looking at that car but I just have to. Show me where it is please."
"Okay follow me then."
Simon follows me and I follow Alec through the maze of wrecked cars all the way to the back of the lot; I can see the back passenger side of my car and instantly my heart begins to beat rapidly. With a few more steps I can now see the entire passenger side of the car and from this side the damage doesn't look so bad. I come to a stop near the back of the car and turn to look at Alec and Simon; they are standing back from the car.
"You two don't have to come and look but please stay close okay."
"We'll be right here if you need us Jace." Alec says.
"Thank you."
Slowly I make my way to the driver's side of the car; I nearly puke when I see the driver's side door smashed in to almost the center of the car. The impact from the ice truck must have sliced through Clary's seatbelt; she might not be alive if that wouldn't have happened. I don't know why I expected to see the leather seats covered in blood but looking closer I can't see any; all as I see is chunks of glass everywhere. I grab Izzy and Clary's purses off the passenger side of the car and glance in the back for anything and find it empty with the exception of a paper coffee cup and an empty donut bag. I walk over and hand Alec the girl's purses and look at Simon for a moment before asking:
"Can you help me open the truck Simon?"
"Sure Jace; just let me do it though."
I stand back and watch his Vampire strength open the jammed closed trunk as though it's the foil on a yogurt container. The sound that Simon makes when he gets the trunk open tells me that it's full of bags and bags of clothes for a baby that will never wear them. I step forward and grab the first bag that is closest to my hand and dump it upside down into the trunk; all I see is pinks and purples and few white things. A little pink dress with ruffles on the bottom. A purple onsie that says 'daddy's girl'. A white dress with adorable yellow butterflies on it. So many tiny things for our daughter; so many things Clary and I will never get to see our baby girl dressed in. As much as seeing the onsie that says daddy's girl on it chokes me up; seeing a pair of pale pink socks is what does me in. I shove the socks into my pocket and dump a few more of the bags to see what else is in there. I find a pair of white shoes with pink lace at the top and shove them into my pocket as well.
I pick up another bag and drop it back into the truck as an overwhelming amount of rage begins to consume me completely. I begin to kick and punch the side of my car as a string of words come flying out of my mouth. My pointless assault on the wrecked car goes on until my body is covered in sweat and my hands are bloody and aching with pain before I finally stop. After taking a few minutes to regain control over my raged breathing and after I wipe my bloody hands off on my jeans I turn back to the contents of the truck to continue my search.
Simon has been standing silently beside me and Alec has made his way to stand at my other side. Thankfully neither one of them made the attempt to stop me from my outburst or tried to talk to me about it. I continue to dig through the seemingly endless baby items. I see Alec lift up one of the bags and out of nowhere I find myself slapping his hand.
"Don't touch that!" I groan.
"I was only helping you look."
"Look for what Alec?"
"I-I don't know but then again neither do you. Obviously you are searching for something in all these bags but I don't think you even know what that something is."
"Alec…I just…I wanted to…I thought I could find something in here that I will know that Clary picked out…Izzy is written all over most of this stuff and I am trying to find something that Clary bought."
"What about this Jace?"
I look over to see Simon holding a small green frog with a purple bow on top of its head. Instantly I know that Clary picked out the frog; she was always saying that our baby likes to use her bladder as a trampoline and I made a joke about our daughter being a frog instead of a baby. It was a funny joke and we both laughed about it; Clary nearly peed herself from laughing. I take the frog from Simon and pull him in for a hug; partway through the hug I feel Alec hug me from behind. I am proud of myself for not crying again as they hold me. Alec keeps whispering the same things in my ear over and over again.
"I'm so sorry…I love you so much Jace…we all loved her…"
After a few more minutes of the hugging and the whispered words I manage to control myself and pull away from their embrace.
"What should I do with all of this stuff?"
"Maybe return it to the store or something."
"Alec, that's a shitty idea. Do you really think Jace would want to take all this stuff back to the store? Don't you think every cashier will want to know why he's retuning all this stuff?"
"Simon's right Alec that is a pretty shitty idea. Should I just leave it all here then?"
"I think it might be good if you donate all this stuff Jace. I'm sure the homeless shelter would be happy to have all of this baby stuff. Plus it would make you feel like it wasn't wasted or something; might give some kind of peace in a way."
I take a moment to look at Simon as I soak in what he just said; I realize that he's right. I would feel better knowing that all these things bought for my daughter won't go to waste if I donate the items and I think he's right about it giving me some peace. After I nod my head at Simon the three of us take the time to neatly fold everything back up and put it all in the many bags that are in the trunk. I allow Alec to fix my mangled hands with his stele and after taking a few more minutes to look at the crumpled mess that used to be my car; the three of us exit the impound lot with bags in our hands.
The subway ride back into the city is quite and somewhat awkward because people keep looking at the three of us with all these bags of baby girl clothes; not to mention that I'm holding a stuffed frog in my hand. I almost chuckle at the thought of maybe some of the people thinking that Alec and I are some kind of couple that are adopting some unwanted baby. Unwanted? How could anyone not want a child? I might have been scared shitless to be a father but that doesn't mean I didn't want to be one. Maybe I shouldn't be so judgmental; I'm sure people have their reasons for putting their babies up for adoption. Abortion is probably something I will never really be able to understand; I mean I think woman have the right to decide what they want to do with their bodies but the whole idea of abortion just gives me an uneasy feeling. Looking at Alec as he plays with a loose string on his sweater makes me think of a question that I have been meaning to ask him for months now.
"Can I ask you something Alec?"
"Sure Jace."
"Do you think you and Magnus will ever…have…I mean do you think you two might adopt some day?"
"I…hell I don't know Jace; it's not something we have ever even discussed. Why are you asking me that?"
"I don't know…you two seemed excited for…"
"Baby Wayland?"
"Yes, baby Wayland…you two seemed excited for her to come."
"Of course we were. We both love you and Clary so it's only natural for us to love baby Wayland too."
"Magnus might love Clary but he can barely tolerate me."
"That's not true. Magnus just likes to give you a hard time. Maybe he had trouble tolerating you before you started dating Clary but he has really grown to be quite fond of you. Every time I talk to him he always asks me about you first; he is really worried about you right now."
"Tell him to join the club."
"We can call it the nail-bitters club. First rule of our club is no girls allowed; men must unite!" Simon attempts to make a joke to lighten the mood. I give him a sad attempt of a smile to thank him.
"What did you mean by that Alec?"
"What did I mean by what?"
"When you said Magnus had trouble tolerating me before Clary. Why the change of heart?"
"Magnus thought you depended on me too much and he thought you were dangerous for me. He always said you never had a care in the world before Clary."
"I guess I can't even be angry with him for shit-talking because he's mostly right. I never did have any disregard for danger before Clary. I guess I owe you an apology for that."
"No you don't Jace. I knew how you were when I agreed to be your parabitai. I think the reason why Magnus felt like you depended on me too much was because I always felt like I was doing double duty. Half of my concentration was always on fighting demons and the other half was concentrating on making sure you didn't get yourself or both of us killed. I don't feel that way anymore; now I feel like we just watch each other's backs like we're supposed to."
"To be fair I only almost got you killed like two or three times."
"Yeah well two or three times is two or three times too many if you ask me."
"Good thing I didn't ask you."
Alec and I both laugh and hearing myself laugh and feeling my chest shake from something other than tears after the last day and a half actually feels nice. Being able to laugh at something that I actually should laugh at makes me think that someday in the future the pain in my stomach might go away. After we drop off the bags of baby clothes the three of us decide to walk the twelve blocks back to the hospital. Alec keeps yawning and he has dark circles under his eyes. Since we are close to Magnus's apartment I decide to suggest he goes there for a few hours to get some sleep.
"Alec why don't you go to Magnus's for a while? You look like you could use a few hours of sleep."
"I'm okay."
"No you're not; you keep yawning and you have bags under your eyes. Go get some sleep please. From what the doctor told me; it might be a few days before Clary wakes up anyhow."
"You sure?"
"I'm sure. Simon, you can go home as well if you want to."
"I'm good Jace, I slept most of the night in the other chair in Clary's room. Alec spent most of the night texting Magnus and Emma so he should go get some sleep."
At the mention of Emma's name I stop walking and look at Alec; his blue eyes look scared.
"You talked to Emma?"
"I-I thought you would want her to know what is going on. I guess I figured you just didn't know what to say to her."
"Thank you Alec."
The scared look in his eyes disappears and is replaced by relief.
"She said call her whenever you want to talk. She said she wouldn't bother you and that she would just wait to hear from you first. She said to give you her love and to give Clary her love too."
"I'll call her soon but I think I might need a few days to get a grip on all of this. The last thing I want to do right now is fall apart over the phone with Emma; she already has enough on her plate with Sandra. I don't suppose she mentioned how Sandra is doing did she?"
"She did actually; Emma said Sandra has been sleeping quite a bit lately and she is really weak."
"Fuck…what a shit storm this all is."
"I'm sorry Jace…"
"Alec I don't want to bring out Asshole Jace right now but could you please stop saying you are sorry. None of this is your fault and there isn't anything you can do to change the situation so just stop apologizing already."
"I'm sss…shit I almost said it again. I just don't know what to say to you."
"You don't have to say anything. I know how bad you feel and I know you are here for me; that's all that matters. Now go get some sleep because I will need your company later."
"I'll just sleep for a couple of hours and grab a quick shower when I get up; I should be back at the hospital by six or so."
"Alec it's already after three; sleep, get a shower, get some food in you."
"When's the last time you ate anything?" Simon asks.
I watch Alec disappear around the corner and just stare at the empty sidewalk for a moment; Simon grabs my arm and steers me further down the sidewalk towards a small diner. I don't even bother trying to protest as he shoves me into one of the booths. I stare at the open menu in front of me without even reading the words and when an old woman comes to the table to ask us what we want I stare at her like she just spoke to me in a language I don't understand. Simon clears his throat before speaking.
"What kind of soup do you have today?"
"We have chicken and rice and chili."
"He'll take a bowl of the chicken and rice with a grilled cheese sandwich and we will both have coffee. I want cream and sugar; lots of sugar in mine; he'll take his black."
"You don't want anything to eat?"
"No thank you ma'am; I had a big breakfast." Simon grins at the old woman and she returns his smile before leaving the two of us alone.
"I don't think I can really eat anything Simon."
"You're going to at least try to. I think you can handle a couple bites of a cheese sandwich."
"I'd rather have ice cream."
"Seriously? Would you actually eat ice cream right now?"
"Maybe, maybe not but ice cream seems more reasonable right now than soup."
I watch Simon get up to go tell the waitress that I am changing my order to ice cream. The old woman grimaces and shakes her head as she follows Simon back to our table with a pot of coffee in her hand.
"Do you still want coffee then young man?"
"Yes please." I say as I turn my cup over so she can pour coffee into it.
"Black coffee and ice cream; such a strange combination." She jokes as she fills our coffee cups.
"Too bad you don't have coffee ice cream; I could kill two birds with one stone."
"No, no coffee ice cream here young man. All we have is vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry. So which would you like?"
"Can I have a little of all three maybe?"
"It's your money kid. We charge two bucks a scoop."
"That's fine. I will have a scoop of each then ma'am."
"Ida, my name is Ida."
"Nice to meet you Ida, I'm Jace and this is my friend Simon."
"It's nice to see some young people in here; we mostly get old farts and snooty business people in here."
I can't help but chuckle when this seemingly sweet old woman says old farts. Ida has a very inviting look to her; like you could talk to her all day about anything or nothing and she would be happy to hear it all. She looks like she has wisdom in her grey eyes; wisdom that only comes from years and years of living on this shitty earth and in this even shittier city. When she returns a few minutes later with my ice cream I smile at her as I take a bite. She returns my smile and tops off our coffee before leaving again. Simon is quite as he watches me eat my ice cream; surprisingly I manage to eat all of it in a couple of minutes and for a minute I consider asking for more.
"I wouldn't push yourself too far Jace. You eat anymore ice cream and you will make yourself sick."
"How do you do that?"
"Do what?"
"I was thinking about getting more ice cream and you somehow knew that."
"Don't look at me like I'm some kind of psychic; I can read your face. I saw you look at the empty bowl and then over to the counter where Ida got the ice cream from; it's not hard to put two and two together."
"Well I guess it's a good thing you can't read my thoughts; then you would know that I secretly have a crush on you."
"Look Jace, I'm glad you still have a sense of humor and all but you will have to keep yourself in check whenever Clary wakes up. I doubt she will be in the mood for your jokes."
"I think I might be losing my mind Simon." I admit.
"It's understandable considering the situation."
"How are you? You seem…I don't know…quiet maybe?"
"Still hasn't really set in for me I think. When she wakes up; I think I'll be different. I want to do my best to be strong for her; I think she will need all the strength she can get."
"Do you think she will want to see our daughter when she wakes up?"
"I have no idea. Do you think that would be a good idea?"
"Doesn't matter what I think. It will be up to Clary really."
"Do you regret seeing her?"
"No way. She was so perfect; such a little angel. That little bit of time I had with my daughter I will cherish for the rest of my life."
"Do you feel like seeing her gave you some kind of closure?"
"Sort of…but then again not really. I guess I have mixed feeling about it to be honest."
"Maybe it's not a good idea for Clary to see her then. I think if you have mixed feeling about seeing her then it might do the same thing to Clary or maybe worse even. Are you going to press charges on the driver of the ice truck?"
"The accident is still being investigated; the cop I spoke to this morning said that it was possibly a mechanical error that caused the accident but time will tell."
"But what if it wasn't a mechanical error? What if he was drunk or something? Then will you press charges?"
"Then I will hunt him down and kill him."
"Something about your tone tells me that you might not be joking."
"I'm completely serious Simon. If the guy driving that ice truck was in anyway responsible for taking my daughter from me I will kill him. Keeping that in mind gives me something to look forward to." I feel a wicked grin spread across my face and the way Simon looks at me tells me he believes me. He should believe me because I have already thought of about ten different ways to kill that son of a bitch that took my daughter from me. Deep down I am begging for the accident to be his fault and not some kind of mechanical error. The dark thoughts about murdering the driver of that ice truck keep some of my other emotions at bay.
"Jace you can't do that; what good are you to Clary if you are sitting in jail somewhere?"
"Relax Simon. No one will ever find out it was me; besides you can't prove a murder without a body."
"You are scaring me right now."
"To use my words from earlier; join the club."
"I think we should head to the hospital. I think after you take some time to look at your girlfriend maybe your murderous thoughts will calm down a bit."
"Who are you trying to kid Simon? Seeing my fiancé…remember we are engaged now; will only make my murderous thoughts worse. Come one lets go."
The walk to the hospital is quite and I keep catching Simon staring at me out of the corner of his eye. I know that what I said to him in that diner makes him feel nervous about how unstable I am but I don't give a shit. After I punch in the key code that the nurse gave to me to get past security the two of us make our way towards Clary's room. Nurse Adams is in the room with her and she is changing the bandage on Clary's head; this is the first time I have been able to see her without the bandages on. The deep gouge right below Clary's hairline will surely leave a scar.
I wonder what her belly looks like. Does she have a cut from where they took the baby out? Does she have a cut where they fixed her collapsed lung? Will her beautiful pale skin be covered in permanent scars? My own heart will forever have a scar on it from losing my sweet baby girl but my skin won't be marked like Clary's. Maybe my heart doesn't have scar on it; right now my heart feels like a deep bleeding wound that will never close up; a wound that might never be able to heal. Something inside of me broke when I heard those haunting words and I know I left a piece of me in that room with my daughter when I left her alone. I clutch the stuffed frog close to my chest as I watch the nurse wrap the new bandages on Clary's face and head.
"Did you manage to get some rest Jace?" Nurse Adams asks me.
"I took a shower and got something to eat. I managed to sleep quite a bit here last night but it's been a long day and I'm pretty tired."
"Would you like it if I brought you in one of the cots? I'm sure it will be more comfortable than sleeping in that chair."
"That would be nice of you; thank you nurse Adams."
"You can call me Ashley if you like. I have a feeling you and I are going to be seeing quite a bit of each other because it looks like Clary will be with us for a while."
"Did Dr. Stubben get a chance to check on her yet?"
"You actually just missed him; he agrees with Dr. Liptak. It looks like we are going to keep Clary in the coma for a few days while her body heals. I like your little frog."
"Clary bought it for our daughter; I thought she might want it."
"Well I have to make my rounds but if you need anything just push the call button. I will have someone bring you a cot as soon as they can."
"Thank you nn…Ashley."
"You are more than welcome Jace. See you later."
I watch her leave Clary's room and she quietly shuts the door behind her; I just stand there staring at the closed door for what feels like hours before I finally turn towards Clary. With a soft sigh I sink down into the chair next to her bed and take her hand in mine. Somehow her bruises look worse now than they did first thing this morning. I feel the need to talk to her; the last time I spoke to this beautiful girl we were joking about her leaving car keys in the cereal cabinet and messing up Izzy's itinerary list; I smile when I remember how she rolled her green eyes as she walk out of our bedroom that morning. I'd give anything to have her roll her eyes at me right now; I miss her so much. I kiss her hand lightly before pressing her tiny fingers against my heart; my words come out in whispers.
"Can you feel my heart beating Clary? I feel like it stopped beating the moment I got that phone call. I miss you so much; I wish you would wake up so I can see your eyes. I wish you would wake up so I can hear your sweet voice. I love you so much and I miss you…and I really need you right now Clary…I need you to open your eyes and tell me everything is going to be okay…I need to hear you say that you love me…I am so lost without you."
I might have practically begged her to wake up but I know it won't do any good to plead with her; the medicine is keeping her in the dark. I wish I could slip into the dark with her for a while; like we could disappear into some pretend place where it doesn't hurt anymore. The door to Clary's room opens and in walks a young man; he is rolling in a folded up cot that I assume nurse Adams insisted be brought in for me to sleep on so I don't have to sleep in the chair again. I mumble my appreciation to the young man and he just nods and leaves the room. I get up from the chair and unfold the cot; when I glance at the small desk on the other side of the room I see a blanket and a pillow that wasn't there when I got here. Who brought them and why didn't I know someone came into the room when I was whispering to Clary? Not knowing the answers to my mental questions I walk over and take the pillow and blanket so I can make my bed up. After I move the chair; I slide the cot right up against the side of Clary's bed so that I can hold her hand while I sleep.
After I use the small bathroom to empty my bladder I find a wrapped toothbrush and a small tube of toothpaste sitting beside a wrapped comb. These things must have been left here for me as well. I quickly brush my teeth and go back to the cot beside Clary's bed; glancing at the clock on the wall I see that its only about eight thirty but I feel exhausted after the events of today. I glance across the room to find Simon sleeping in the chair.
Laying on the small cot while holding the love of my life's hand in mine I start to think about Emma; I really should call her. I pat my jean's pocket only to realize that I left my phone at the institute on the charger. It's not so late that I couldn't go get my phone but right now I feel like I don't even have the energy to get out of this cot let alone make the trip from here to the institute and back. I kiss Clary's hand and whisper goodnight to her and fall asleep almost immediately.
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