Song List For This Chapter…
Stronger Than Me - Amy Winehouse
Broken - Seether Feat. Amy Lee
Never Too Late - Three Days Grace
Sorry - Buckcherry
Numb - Linkin Park
The Reason - Hoobastank
Helena - My Chemical Romance
Diary Of Jane - Breaking Benjamin
A Beautiful Lie - 30 Seconds To Mars
The Pretender - Foo Fighters
The Kids Aren't Alright - The Offspring
No One Knows - Queens Of The Stone Age
Standing In The Way Of The Light – Birdy ((This song is basically the theme for this chapter))
TWO WEEKS LATER
It's been a week and a half since I brought Clary home from the hospital; after giving her several healing runes she is almost completely healed. She is still having trouble regaining her strength so she needs help getting in and out of the tub. That's what I am doing right now; I'm setting on our bed waiting for her to tell me she is ready to get out of the tub.
I know Simon told you all about the day of the funeral and just so you know that was probably one of the worst days of my life. The days since then haven't been much better to be honest; I might be able to keep my emotions in check but I feel like a ghost around Clary. I feel like I'm some sort of burden to her when I am near her. When she asked me to take her to her own room when I brought her home from the hospital; all hell broke loose. I put my fucking foot down and I screamed at her like I have never screamed at her before. I told her she was going to our room where she belonged. I told he there was only so much pushing away she could do and that I would allow. I told her that I would sleep on the floor but she belongs in our room and in our bed. Her lack of reaction to my loud outburst was almost enough to make me break down in tears; it's as though she gave in and went along with my request just to shut me up; just so she wouldn't have to hear my annoying voice in her ears.
It seems like everyone else has managed to go back to their normal lives since Clary came home but I am still stuck in this dark place inside of my own mind. I know Clary is stuck in her own dark place; I just wish she would reach her hand out to me so we can find our way back into the light together. I talked to Emma on the phone yesterday for the first time since before the accident; it was so nice to hear her voice. She wanted so badly to come to the funeral but it seem as though Sandra has taken a turn for the worse; to doctors say she may only have days left not weeks or months like they had hoped.
"Are you sleeping?"
Clary's voice makes me almost fall off the bed when I hear her speaking so close to me; I thought she was still in the tub. When I look at her she is fully dressed and she has her arms crossed over her chest as she stares down at me.
"Good job sweetheart! You got out of the tub all by yourself." I gush.
"Yes I did; so I won't need you anymore."
I don't like the way she said that; it makes me feel like there is more meaning to her words than her not needing my help getting in and out of the bathtub. Her words and her tone make me feel like she doesn't need or even want me for anything anymore. I get off the bed and pull her in for a hug; she keeps her arms limp at her sides as I hold her close to my body. I feel her hands touch my chest and for a split second I feel my heart jump in my chest at the thought of her returning my embrace; I am quickly disappointed when all she does is push me away as she begins to speak.
"Where's my frog?"
I point to the stuffed animal that is sitting on the dresser and watch as she darts across the room and pulls it to her face. She hasn't let that stuffed frog out of her site since I gave it to her the day she woke up from her coma. Trying once more to get her to have some sort of response to my touch; I walk over and place my hands on her shoulders as I kiss the back of her head.
"You hungry Clary? Would you like me to make you some lunch?"
"I think I want to go out for lunch today."
I can barely contain my excitement right now; this is the first time she has requested to leave the institute since I brought her home.
"That sounds nice; where would you like to go for lunch sweetheart?"
"I am meeting Simon at the pizza shop in twenty minutes."
"Pizza sounds good; I'll just grab a quick shower and then we can go."
"I was thinking I might want to have lunch with just Simon if that's alright."
Damn her! She gets me all full of hope like that only to shoot me down at her first opportunity. I don't dare put up a fight about this because I am trying to be patient with her. Maybe today she will have lunch with just Simon but maybe this time next week she will want to have dinner with me.
"I think that's a wonderful idea; I know how much Simon has missed you Clary. Have a nice time and tell Simon I said hello."
She surprises me when she holds her cheek out for me to kiss before she leaves the room. Usually when I try to kiss her cheek she yanks her face away from me so I'll take this one as a win.
TWO WEEKS LATER
I'm sitting on the floor of Heather's nursery; I spend a lot of time in here just thinking about what would have been. It's quite in here and all the flowers and butterflies that scatter the cream colored walls are quite soothing to me. Clary is somehow colder with me now than she has been all along; she comes to bed late; she disappears for hours at a time without telling me where she is going; when she is home she spends countless hours in the training room. I'm not ready to go back to the training room so I keep myself in shape by running every day. About a week ago I actually tried to go into the training room thinking that maybe it would be a way to get Clary to be closer to me. Turns out I was not so nicely asked to leave when she found me dressed in training clothes and ready to train with her.
"What are you doing in here?"
I look up to see Clary standing in the doorway of the nursery with her hands on her hips; her red hair is plastered to her face and neck from sweat.
"Just thinking; come in and sit with me Clary."
"You spend entirely too much time in here Jace; it's not good for you. I only came in here to tell you that Em texted me; she wanted me to ask you to call her."
I don't bother trying to justify my actions to Clary; her cold dismissive tone tells me I would only be wasting my time. She can spend ten hours in the training room pushing her tiny body too hard but I can't come to a peaceful place to think for an hour or two. I shove my way past her and jog down the hall to get my phone so I can call Emma. When I get my phone there are nine missed calls from Emma. I quickly push the call button and wait for her to answer.
"It's almost time now Jace; they came this morning and took her to the hospital by ambulance. The doctors said she has to stay at the hospital till the end now."
"Emma, honey I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry I didn't have my phone when you tried to call. How are you?"
"It's okay Jace; I know what you are going through with Clary. I was surprised that she even responded to my text message. Is she still shutting you out?"
"She has her door shut so tight it would make Fort Knox's security look like a joke."
"I'm so sorry Jace."
"How are you Emma?"
"Sad…even sadder now that I know Clary is still acting that way towards you."
"I hate that we live so far away Em. I really need you and I think you really need me too."
"I know…you don't think she would come if I asked her to do you?"
"It wouldn't hurt to try but I wouldn't expect too much from her."
"Oh Jace; you sound so damn sad. Actually I take that back you sound empty and that makes me sad for you."
"I feel empty Emma. I don't even feel sad anymore to be honest with you; I guess I don't really feel anything anymore."
"You are breaking my heart right now. Remind me again why I call you when I'm sad."
"It's because you are a glutton for punishment Emma. You and I sing our sad songs to each other and it fuels our fire; we feed off of each other."
"Right! I remember now. Give it some time Jace; you will feel something again someday."
"I'm looking forward to that day. The thing is Em, I might not really be able to feel anything right now but god knows I want to. That want is all I have left to hold onto."
"It's something. Hold on to that want Jace."
"Is Sandra still coughing up blood?"
"No she hasn't done that for a couple of days but she is having trouble getting enough oxygen and she can't seem to control her bodily functions anymore."
"Em that's terrible."
"It's kind of comical though. She gets really pissy with me when she has an accident and I try to clean her up; lets me know she still has some spunk left in her."
"That actually made me laugh a little bit Em. I can almost hear her grumbling at you; I have always loved how spunky Sandra is."
"Me too…I'm really going to miss her."
"I know honey. Try to stay positive though."
"Oh, trust me I am. I keep telling myself that she won't have any pain when she's gone. Seeing her sick and hearing her crying because she is in so much pain is probably the hardest part about all of this. It's probably a really shitty thing to say but I almost hope she goes soon."
"It's not shitty; I understand what you mean Emma. You just don't want to see her suffering anymore."
"See you get it Jace. When I said it to Sandy's dad he threw me out of Sandy's room; that's why I'm at home instead of at the hospital."
"I hope he gets over it and lets you go back in there; I know Sandra wants you there with her."
"No worries Jace. By the time I got home there was a message on the house phone from Sandy's nurse. Apparently Sandy kicked her dad out and told the nurse to tell me to come back. The nurse said Sandy exerted so much energy yelling at her dad that she's sleeping again. I figured I could get a shower and something to eat since I am already home. I rode in the ambulance with her this morning and I am still wearing my pajamas believe it or not."
"Dear god Emma! I hope you at least have a robe on or something. I have seen some of the things you supposedly call pajamas; your pajamas leave very little to the imagination."
"You are just making stuff up now Jace. One time! One damn time you see me in something a little revealing because it was a special occasion for Sandy and I and to your perverted mind I will forever wear see through nighties to bed."
"Am I really that perverted?"
"Yes you are but that's okay with me. Look Jace it's been really nice hearing your voice but I really should get off so I can shower and get back to the hospital."
"Okay give Sandra my love. Call me when you get the time. I love you Emma."
"Love you too Jace. Talk to you soon."
After I hang up with Emma I find myself still reeling with anger from what Clary said to me when she found me in the nursery. It's seems as though anger is the one thing I still have the ability to feel right now and I fucking hate it. I want to go find her right now and talk to her like she talked to me. I want to make her feel like her time in the training room is as vile as she made me feel about being in the nursery. I don't dare do that though…no…no poor little Clary is much too fragile to be yelled at like that. I guess it's another Jace can go fuck himself and his feelings kind of day. Fuck I am in the foulest mood right now and I could really use a full bottle of Jack Daniels to shut my fucking brain off for the rest of the day.
I quickly change my clothes and tie my sneakers before shoving my earbuds into my ears so I can go for a long run. Going for the run won't hurt Clary. Blasting my eardrums and running to the point of exhaustion will almost guarantee at least a few hours of sleep on my hard wooden floor tonight.
It's almost midnight when I get back home from my run and I am not surprised to find Clary and I's bed empty and still made. I can hear the shower running and I am half tempted to barge in the bathroom and tackle her to the damn floor. I couldn't do it unless I used my stele or brute force to open the locked door. Clary never used to lock the door; hell half the time she left the bathroom door wide open when she showers but not anymore. I grab a change of clothes and make my way down the hall so I can use Alec's shower; I'm hoping that he bought different body wash because that sandalwood smelling shit stinks. When I open Alec's bedroom door I quickly shut my eyes when I see him and Magnus tangled under the blankets.
"Sorry guys."
I still have my eyes closed as I attempt to back out of Alec's room and I can hear the sheets rustling and I can see his beside lamp turn on through my closed eyelids.
"It's okay Jace. What did you need?" Alec's voice is high pitched and full of embarrassment.
"I was just going to see if I could use your shower; Clary is in ours. It's no biggie I can just go use one of the other ones though."
"Don't be silly sweetie; Alec doesn't mind if you use his shower."
"Magnus is right Jace; come on in and take your shower. Besides there isn't any shampoo or anything in the other bathrooms."
I open my eyes to see the two of them sitting side by side and shirtless (I'm sure pant less as well) under the blankets.
"Yeah well I'm starting to think that showering without soap would be better than smelling like that shit you two shower with."
"We like the smell of sandalwood but there is a bare of Dial soap and a bottle of Suave under the sink if you would rather use that instead."
"Now you tell me that! I could have been using that shit all along instead of smelling like sandalwood."
"I just bought it a couple of days ago. I figured since you keep using my shower all the time I would be nice and get you something that you can at least stand the smell of."
"Thanks Alec."
"Why don't you just bring your body wash and shampoo over and leave it here?"
"Clary likes to use it."
"Doesn't she have her own stuff?"
"Yes but she likes to use my stuff. She started using it every day since I brought her home. I don't know I kind of feel like it's her way of trying to let me in or something. Like if she smells like me then she might want me around again someday. Maybe I'm just an idiot."
"Oh sweetie don't say that. You know biscuit loves you; she just needs some time."
"Magnus I understand she needs time; I'm giving her time but what has she given me? I'll tell you what she has given me. Every day Clary keeps me locked out; my cracked and broken heart bleeds a little more. The way she speaks to me anymore; I think I would rather her not speak to me at all. I would rather complete silence from her than to hear her speak to me with nothing but hatred in her voice."
I leave the two of them with their mouth hanging open at my confession as I slam Alec's bathroom door. I take a quick shower and don't bother shaving my face; a couple of more days of not shaving and I'll be just as shaggy as I was in LA so many months ago. I am so twisted up inside that sometimes I wish I would have never come back from LA to begin with. When I think that I only feel shittier than I already do because I know how not true that is. I still to this day regret even going to LA in the first place; I should have stayed and waited for Clary to come around. That's what I have to do now; I have to wait. I am pretty damn tired of all this endless waiting.
Clary is sleeping (at least she is pretending to anyhow) when I get back to our bedroom. As I lay on the hard floor I can't help but think that slowly this room that I call ours is being to feel like it's her room and her room alone; I am starting to feel like an unwanted guest in this room. Clary must actually be sleeping because I can hear her soft moans as she lays in the bed; she must be having a bad dream again. I am feeling brave as I rise from the floor and slide under the covers with her. She had such a bad dream three nights ago that she woke me up and asked me to hold her until she fell asleep again; but then she made me promise to go back to the floor as soon as she was back to sleep. When I kissed her neck and told her I loved her she said 'don't' and when I asked her what she meant by that she said she didn't want me to say I love her anymore. I honestly didn't even know what to say to her so I just kept my mouth shut. Those ten short minutes was the best ten minutes I have had with Clary since the morning of her accident; what is beginning to feel like forever and a day ago now.
"Shh…it's okay Clary." I whisper into her damp hair.
"Jace…why won't they stop?" Her voice is hoarse from sleeping.
"I wish I could make them stop for you. You know I would take them away if I could."
"You'll go back to the floor when I'm sleeping again won't you?"
"If that's what you want."
She doesn't respond and I pull her back a little tighter to my chest and carefully burry my nose into her hair. She smells like my shampoo and my body wash again and I almost smile. I want so bad to tell her how much I love her. I want so bad to tell her how much I miss her. I miss her lips; I miss her soft hand on my cheek; I miss the look of love in her green eyes. I have to sing a song in my head to keep my tears from slipping down my face; I feel so lost right now. I find myself almost smiling again at the thought of the sadness I am feeling because at least I am feeling something besides anger for a change. It takes everything in my power not to flip her over and pin her to the mattress so I can just feel her body pressed up against mine. It's not even about wanting to have sex with her I just miss the intimacy between us so much that I would just be happy to press our naked bodies together and not move for an hour so I feel that again.
The sunlight shining through the window wakes me up and my entire body jerks when I realize I am still in our bed; Clary is gone already. I hope she isn't too angry with me for sleeping in bed with her all night. I really didn't mean to fall asleep; I just told myself I could shut my eyes for a minute. My left shoulder is stiff from sleeping in the same position for so long. When I see it's almost ten in the morning I realize that this is the most sleep I have gotten in weeks.
After I make the bed and put the blankets that I use on the floor away; I brush my teeth and check my phone to see if Emma texted or called but I find a text from Simon instead.
Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – Hey what are you up to today?
Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – It's after nine are you still sleeping?
Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – Well you are either still sleeping or you forgot your phone somewhere. Text me when you get this.
ME: 217-0226- Sorry I just woke up. I don't have anything planned for today. Why?
Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – I thought maybe you might want to hang out. I got the new Call of Duty game for the Xbox.
ME: 217-0226 – Do you have food?
Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – Yep, got all your favorite junk food. I was even nice and stopped at Taki's to get you a piece of coconut cream pie.
ME: 217-0226 – Prepare to die bloodsucker. I am on my way!
Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – Sweet! See you soon.
Simon and I spend the next four hours in heated missions on his new COD game; I don't really like to play video games but it's a nice distraction for me. I know Simon makes it a point to invite me over to play Xbox every couple of days to try to help me out of my dark place; he has no idea what that means to me. Now we are watching some shitty vampire (ironic right) movie as I eat the rest of the junk food he bought for me. I have discovered that bean dip and Doritos are my new favorite food.
"When's the last time you talked to Clary?"
"Yesterday actually."
"How is she?"
"You live with her Jace; why are you asking me how your fiancé is?"
"Because she actually talks to you; she avoids me like the plague."
"Still? I didn't know she was still shutting you out; I'm sorry Jace."
"It's fine. So tell me how does she seem to you?"
"It's not fine and you know it. She…well she isn't really the Clary I know but I can tell she is trying at least. I am careful about what I say to her; I try to just let her do the talking."
"What does she talk about?"
"Nothing of importance. She will talk about comics or make comments to the TV but that's pretty much it."
"I'd fucking kill to hear her talking to the TV right about now. I used to love hearing her tell the actors that they are stupid for running up the stairs instead of outside when she watches a scary movie. I always ended up paying more attention to what Clary was saying to the TV instead of the actual movie."
"See that's why you are so sweet Jace. I hate it when she does that and you think it's cute or something. When she talks to the TV when her and I watch a movie I tell her to shut up so I can hear the movie."
"It is cute when she does that you are just a stuffy vampire."
"Excuse me if I don't value your opinion when it comes to Clary. You think everything she does is cute."
"Not right now I don't. Clary is anything but cute to me right now Simon."
"I'm sorry she is hurting you so much Jace."
"Me too Simon. I just wish she could see what she is doing to me. Doesn't she think that her hurting me might actually be hurting her too?"
"I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this Jace but maybe that's the point. Clary seems to want to hang onto the pain and if causing you pain keeps her pain on the surface then that is what she will continue to do."
"I fucking hate it when you are right about something."
"Don't hate the player Jace; hate the game."
"Shut up! You are so stupid."
"Yeah but at least I made you laugh."
"Thank you."
"That's what I'm here for. I'm really glad you came over today. Clary asked me to spend some time with you and I wasn't sure that since she seemed to have went out of her way to ask me to have you come over if you actually would or not."
"Clary asked you to spend time with me today?"
"Yes that's what I talked to her about when she called me. She didn't talk long she just asked me to get ahold of you this morning and that was pretty much it for conversation."
"That's…kind of strange actually. It's not like I wouldn't come over or anything; I actually like spending time with you. I don't understand why she felt like she had to get you to somehow convince me to come over."
"I think she's worried about you."
"Ha…I find that fucking hilarious Simon! If Clary really, and I mean really was worried about me then she would stop shutting me out so much. All I want, all I need is her and she won't give herself to me. She would rather close herself off and speak to me like I'm a pile of dog shit than let me in."
"Wow…bitterness doesn't seem like the right word to use for the vibe I am getting from you Jace."
I stand up and brush chip crumbs off of my shirt and onto his floor as I make my way towards the front door to leave.
"Bitterness is a bit of an understatement to how I feel right now Simon. Look I'm kinds of in a shitty mood now so I think I will leave before you kick me out. I would like to be able to come by from time to time so I will just split before I say something that makes you not want to open your door to me again."
"Jace you don't have to leave."
"It's cool Simon."
"Are you going home?"
"No. I don't plan on going home until I'm sure she's sleeping."
"Why?"
"Because I fucked up with her last night and I really don't feel like listening to her scream at me."
"What did you do?"
"She had a bad dream and she let me hold her but she made me promise to go back down to the floor after she fell asleep. I accidently fell asleep; I woke up in bed this morning."
"That's so fucked up that she kicked you out of your own bed."
"It's our bed and she didn't really kick me out. Me sleeping on the floor was a compromise."
"What do you mean a compromise?"
"When I brought Clary home from the hospital she wanted to go back to her old bedroom. I put my foot down and made her come to our room instead; so now I sleep on the floor."
"So what are you going to do for the rest of the day then?"
"Who knows; go get drunk maybe."
"I think that's a terrible idea."
"Yeah probably."
"At least let me go with you if you are going to be drinking."
"Relax Simon. Trust me the last thing I need right now is to have alcohol running in my veins. I think I will go to the park for a while."
"Do you at least have some kind of weapon to protect yourself if you are staying out after the sun goes down?"
"I have a dagger and a pack of throwing stars so I will be fine. See you later Simon."
"Yeah okay but for Christ sakes please be careful. Don't go getting yourself killed or anything like that."
"Yes daddy."
Simon rolls his coffee colored eyes at me as I leave his apartment and I find myself chucking as I walk down the sidewalk at our now very close friendship that we have formed. I know he doesn't want anything to happen to me not just for Clary's sake but for his as well. I almost feel bad for lying to him about having any weapons on me but if I told him I was unarmed then he would have insisted on following me around all night. I am only going to the park until just before the sun goes down and then I plan on sneaking into the institute and hiding in the nursery until Clary goes to sleep.
I spent the rest of the day scribbling song lyrics into a notebook as I sat in the park; I find that it helps keep my mind distracted. The sun is just starting to set when I reach the back door to the institute; it's so strange walking through the garage and not seeing my car parked here; I am careful about rounding the corners of the hallways as I snake my way towards the nursery. When I turn the handle on the door to Heather's room the smell of fresh paint hits my nose and when I flip on the light switch I drop to my knees and begin to dry heave. It's all gone! The crib; the changing table; the pretty pink trim work; all the sweet butterflies and flowers; all of it is gone. The walls are painted plain white and there isn't an ounce of evidence that this was once my daughter's room.
Hot tears pour down my face as I feel a mixture of rage and extreme sadness and loss as I look around the freshly painted room. This is why Clary wanted me to spend the day with Simon. She wanted me out of the institute so she could take this room from me. How dare she do this to me! I'll show her! I will destroy every fucking thing in that training room and see how she feels to have her god damn hiding place taken away from her!
I have most of the obstacle course in the training room destroyed and am working on cutting down the suspension ropes when I hear the door to the training room slam against the wall and Alec's voice is full of anger.
"What in the hell do you think you are doing Jace?" He roars.
"She fucking took my room from me and now I'm taking her room from her!" I shout back.
"She didn't take anything from you Jace."
"She fucking painted the room. She took everything out of there."
"No she didn't; I did."
"You did not you are just trying to protect her!"
"Look at me at tell me I am lying to you right now! Fucking look at me! I was the one who took everything out of the nursery! I was the one who had to paint three coats of paint on the walls to cover up all that pink trim! Look I still have white paint underneath my fingernails."
Rage consumes me to the point that I can't even see straight as I throw myself at Alec. I am shocked when he punches me hard enough in the mouth to knock me to the floor.
"If you know what's good for you Jace you will just stay on that floor."
"Why would you do that to me Alec? Don't you know how much this hurts me?"
"Yes I fucking know how much it hurts you Jace! I feel everything you feel remember. I'm sick of it! Every minute you spend in that room I feel it! All day I feel your pain but I know when you are in that god damned room just by the way my chest feels. It's time to let it go already."
"That's easy for you to say! It's not your baby who died! It's not your sweet little girl that they covered with dirt! Why did you have to take the one thing I had left? Clary walks around with a fucking stuffed animal all the time and no one tries to take it away from her."
"Jace when's the last time you actually remember seeing Clary with the frog?"
"What are you talking about Alec she never puts that damn thing down."
"I find that odd that you say that Jace because that stuffed frog has been in my closet for almost two weeks now."
"No it hasn't you're lying!"
"You know damn well that I am not lying to you about this Jace. Clary asked me to put it somewhere she wouldn't find it. She was worried that she was becoming too dependent on that thing. You know what Jace she was too. Because a few hours after she made me promise never to give it back to her she was on her knees begging for that fucking frog."
"Did you give it back to her?"
"No."
"Why not; she wanted it."
"Because not everyone spoils her like you do Jace. There is a big difference between wanting something and needing something. Clary doesn't need a stuffed animal. She called me every name in the book because I wouldn't give it to her but guess what Jace. The next morning she came back to my room and thanked me for not giving it to her. She understands that she doesn't need a frog to remember your daughter. Your daughter will always be with you…here… in your heart Jace."
I look into my brothers blue eyes as his hands rest on my heart and I know how right he really is. I don't need some kind of shrine to keep my baby girl close to me; she never left me to begin with. She is in my heart and she will always be there no matter what. I gently remove Alec's hands from my chest and get up of the floor.
"Where are you going Jace?"
"To put my girl back where she belongs."
Alec doesn't respond to my words as I make my way towards me and Clary's room. When I open the door I find her sitting on the bed with a book in her lap. Her green eyes are full of anxiety as I near her. I drop to my knees and lace my fingers together as I begin to plead with her.
"Clary…I'm on my knees begging you right now…please don't shut me out any more…please come back to me baby…I need you…right here in my heart…right where our beautiful daughter is…I need you there too…please…I can't live without you…"
That's it; that's all I have left in me. I burry my face into the mattress as I shatter apart for what must be the final time; I feel like there isn't anything left of me to shatter anymore. A painful sound comes from deep in my chest when I feel Clary's small fingers slide into my hair. She uses her other hand to lift my face up so I will look at her and I am surprised to see her sitting on the floor beside me instead of on the bed where she was. We just look at each other for the longest time before she starts to move her face closer to mine; I freeze because I am afraid if I move she might not do what I think she is about to. When her full lips touch mine I feel like a thousand bolts of electricity are running through my body. In a split second the gentle touch of her lips turn into my hungry mouth consuming hers as my hands run wildly over her small body. When I hear her moan a loud growl escapes my chest as I push her to the floor and press my body against hers. When I feel her mouth quiver and her body begin to shake I stop kissing her to look into her green eyes.
"Please don't Jace." She pleads.
"Don't what Clary?"
"I don't want this. I just wanted to kiss you so you would calm down but I didn't want this. I am nowhere near ready for this."
I am stunned by the amount of anger that fills my body when I realize how wrong I was about Clary's lips on mine.
"Congratulations Clary! You managed to stop my pathetic crying!"
She scampers into a sitting position and her green eyes are wide when she looks at me.
"Don't say that Jace."
"Why not? It's true! I'm fucking sorry if I can't be cold like you all the time. I'm sorry if I have emotions and needs."
"Needs? Is this what you want Jace?"
I stare in horror as Clary rips all of her clothes off and begins to pull at the button on my jeans.
"Stop Clary."
"No! This is what you say you need so this is what you will get!"
I push her hands away from my pants and jump up off the floor to get away from her.
"Stop it! What is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?"
"Me? What about you Jace? You had me pressed against the floor and you had your tongue down my throat not two minutes ago and now you have the nerve to ask what's wrong with me?"
"Baby I'm sorry…I just wanted to kiss you; I just wanted to feel you."
"It's too much Jace. I am not ready for that yet. Why can't you understand that I need time? And I thought I asked you to stop calling me that; I don't want to hear that word."
"Why can't you see that me giving you time is killing me Clary? Can't you see how you are hurting me every day? You are so cold towards me and when you do speak to me you talk to me like I'm nothing you talk to me like I'm some kind of nuisance to you."
"I can't give what I don't have Jace. I'm sorry."
"You say you're trying but all it feels like to me is like I am beating my head against a brick wall. You talk to Simon; you talk to Alec yet you shut me out all the time. I know you don't want to hear me say these words but I fucking love you so much and you are hurting me so damn much when you won't let me in. Why can't you see that?"
"I'm sorry." Her words are barely a whisper as she gets up off the floor. I keep my hands at my side at first when she hugs me but she mumbles that she wants me to hold her. I hold her close to me for a long time and then she pulls away but she takes my hand and I follow her to our bed where she lays down and pulls me to her side.
"Please just let me in Clary."
"Shh…go to sleep now Jace. I feel like I can't even keep my eyes open right now. Will you just hold me?"
"Do you want me to go back to the floor when you fall asleep?"
"No, I want you to stay with me."
I pull her tiny body closer to mine and press my lips against her ear as I tell her I love her. She doesn't respond to my words because she is already asleep. I close my eyes and I feel hope fill my body when I think about the small break through the two of us just had. When I wake up the next morning Clary isn't in my arms or even in the bed beside me. I roll out of bed and go brush my teeth after I empty my full bladder.
I am rummaging through my dresser for something to wear when something shiny on the dresser catches my eye. I stand up and see Clary's engagement ring setting on top of a piece of her sketch book paper; her neat hand-writing covers the page.
Dear Jace,
Everything you said to me last night made me realize just how much I really am hurting you. I wish you could know how terrible this should make me feel but it doesn't. I can't even lie to you and say I'm sorry because I don't have any feeling left inside of me. Even when I told you I was sorry last night I didn't feel it; I just thought it was the right thing to say to you. When I pressed my lips against yours I felt nothing; when you touch me I feel nothing. Even now as you read these words I realize that I am only causing you more pain.
I know that me leaving you will only cause you more pain but maybe with time you can heal. I know that if I continue to stay with you without an ounce of feeling in my body then I will break what is left of the beautiful boy who owns my heart forever. I have avoided your touch because a single brush of your fingers on my skin used to burn my skin with electricity that I could feel to my core; I no longer feel that burn; now I just feel cold and empty. I started using your soap in the attempt to have you close to me without actually having you close to me; I thought it might help but it hasn't. It kills me to admit that I know my heart belongs to you but I can't feel that heart beating anymore Jace.
Please promise me that you will respect my need for leaving and please promise me that you will try to heal. I pray that someday I will find a way to feel again and then maybe I can heal too.
Clary.
I read her short letter over and over again as I grip her ring in my hand; I am surprised that I am not a bawling mess right now. I don't even feel the urge to cry as I read her letter. I walk over and shove the letter and her ring into the draw of my night stand before going to find Alec. I find Alec in the training room attempting to clean up some of the mess I made yesterday.
"Where is she Alec?"
"Who?"
"Don't fucking play dumb with me. Where is Clary?"
Alec sighs loudly and comes to stand in front of me his blue eyes are full of love for me and I feel the urge to slap his face.
"It doesn't matter where she is Jace; all that matter is that she is gone."
"I want to know where my fiancé is and you need to tell me right now before I beat the shit out of you."
"She's not your fiancé anymore Jace; she's not your anything anymore. You need to accept that she is gone. You need to try to find a way to let her go."
"How long was she planning on leaving me Alec?"
"She told me this morning."
"You know where she is don't you?"
"Yes I do but you can beat the shit out of me until you can't even swing anymore and I still won't tell you where she is. All you need to know is that she is some place safe and you don't have to worry about anything bad happening to her."
"Did you even try to stop her from leaving?"
"No, why would I stop her? Her staying here is hurting you Jace. I know that you feel like her leaving is the worst possible thing but give it time and you'll see it's for the best that she is gone."
"I hate you!"
"That's okay, you can hate me as long as you know that I love you Jace."
"Fuck you Alec! I'm moving out!"
"Where the hell are you even going to go? You don't turn eighteen for another almost four months and you don't have any money."
"I'll figure it out; I'm a big boy." I realize that I am being completely irrational and have lost all of my maturity because of the childish things I have said to my brother but I don't give a shit anymore.
I walk out of the training room and after I shove most of my clothes into a duffle bag I use my stele to lock my bedroom door before I leave the place I have always called home. I end up at the only place I know to go. When Simon sees me holding a duffle bag he looks at me in confusion. He doesn't know about Clary; I almost feel better knowing that she didn't even tell her best friend that she was leaving.
"Jace what happened? Did you and Clary get into a fight or something?"
"No me and Alec got into a fight because Clary left me and he knows where she is and he won't fucking tell me where she went."
"Whoa! What do you mean she left you?"
"Just what I said Simon; I woke up this morning to find her engagement ring setting on top of a letter. She doesn't love me anymore."
"Jace that can't be true."
"It's true alright; she said she doesn't feel anything anymore so how could she love me? We got into a pretty big fight last night and she said she was sorry but her letter told me that she lied to me when she said she was sorry. She said how can she say she is sorry when she doesn't even feel it. She is fucking gone and Alec won't tell me where she went. I hate him and I don't want to even look at him or that institute right now so could I please stay here until I get a job and a place of my own?"
"You can stay here as long as you need to; you know that."
"Thank you Simon; I will get my own place as soon as I can I promise."
"There's no need to hurry."
"For what it's worth Simon; I'm sorry she didn't tell you she was leaving."
"I won't lie to you Jace; it really hurts."
"I know that."
"Where are you going?"
"You said I could stay here so I am going to my room."
"Okay well let me know if you need anything. There should be clean sheets in the closet; if not I can get you some at the store."
"Whatever is here will be fine. See you later Simon."