Song List for this Chapter…
Heaven(Little By Little) – Theory Of A Deadman
Breath – Breaking Benjamin
I'm Not Okay – My Chemical Romance ((Theme song for this chapter))
Whole World's Crazy – Art Of Dying
Preacher – OneRepublic
This Is What It Feels Like – Banks
Hurt With Me – The Xcerts
Last Love Song – ZZ Ward ((Such a beautiful song))
I'm So Lonely I Could Cry – Volbeat
Race You To The Bottom – New Medicine
The next morning I walk out of my temporary bedroom at Simon's apartment to find him sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee.
"Is there enough coffee for me in there?"
"Help yourself Jace; you know where the coffee cups are."
I pour a cup of coffee and sit down across from Simon and he holds his cell phone out to me. I look at the screen to see that he has seventeen missed calls from Alec.
"Why did he call you so many times?"
"Probably because I wouldn't answer my phone."
"Why didn't you answer it?"
"I wasn't sure if you wanted him to know you were here."
"No not really but I guess there is no point in making him worry about me."
"Let him sweat for the rest of the day; he hurt you Jace the least we could do is make him worry about you for a few more hours."
"I knew I came to the right place."
"I'll wait till about dinner time and then I will end his suffering."
"That might back fire you know."
"How so?"
"Because Alec will only let you ignore his phone calls so long and then he will just show up here. In fact I just heard someone knocking on your door; I would put money on it that my brother is on the other side of that door with flames shooting out of his nose right now."
"Shit! Go hide in your bedroom and I'll get rid of him for you."
"That's not necessary; stay here and I'll go answer the door."
"Are you sure; I can go with you if you need back up or something."
"Put your fangs away Vampire; it's just Alec."
I am still chucking when I open the door to find none other than Alec staring at me.
"Why aren't you and Simon answering your phones?"
"You see Alec when someone doesn't answer their phones that usually mean that they have no desire to speak with the person that keeps calling them seventeen times."
"I only called Simon seventeen times. After your phone sent me straight to voicemail three times in a row I realize you shut your phone off."
"Perceptive aren't you."
"So what you are living with the Vampire now?"
"Hey I heard that!" Simon shouts from the kitchen.
"Yes I am staying here. Do you have a problem with that?"
"Yes! I want you to come home Jace."
"That's not my home anymore. My daughter is dead and my fiancé left me and my own fucking brother betrayed me so I am staying with Simon now."
"I didn't betray you! I am only trying to do what's right for you. You can't see that though because you are in too much pain to see anything else. Fine don't come home for me come home for our sister; Izzy will be devastated when she finds out you left too."
"You have got to be fucking kidding me right now! Are you saying that Izzy knew Clary left too?"
"Izzy helped her pack."
"So you two get to know Clary's little escape plan but Simon and I get left in the fuck dark. Get out Alec; I don't want you here anymore and tell my fucking sister to stay the hell away from me too."
I slam Simon's door in Alec's face and I am surprised when I hear his footsteps grow quieter as he walk away from the apartment. When I turn around I see Simon leaning against the wall.
"You okay Jace?"
"No Simon I'm definitely not okay."
"Do you want me to leave you alone for a while?"
"No go get dressed we are going to go find something to do for a while."
"Like what? Are you going to get me killed?"
"No nothing like that. We can find something fun to do in this huge city that should keep us entertained without getting killed."
Turns out Simon and I don't even end up doing anything but wondering around the streets for a few hours before stopping for a sandwich at one of the street carts. Simon pays for my sandwich and a bottle of iced tea; his brown eyes tell me to just eat the damn sandwich without arguing about it. I do my best to gag down a few bites of the food but I barely eat a quarter of the sandwich before I toss it in one of the trash cans as we walk.
"You were supposed to eat that not waste it."
"Look Simon, I understand you feel the need to take care of me and all but you need to cut me a little slack. When I'm upset, I have trouble eating. I ate a few bites just to make you happy so shouldn't I get a few points for trying?"
"Only a few though. I can cut you some slack but you need to understand that three bites of food a day won't be enough for you. Hell if I have to feed you ice cream for the next week just to make sure you eat then I will feed you ice cream."
"I like ice cream and Doritos and bean dip and…"
"I get the point Jace! You like your junk food. If junk food keeps you from starving to death then that's fine with me."
"Why are you yelling at me?"
Simon stops walking and I turn to look at him; his face is sad and his eyes are full of apology.
"I'm sorry Jace; I'm not angry with you; I'm angry at Clary. I am however worried about you."
"I'm angry with her too." I whisper.
"I hate what she is doing to you! I hate that she just left without telling either one of us."
Simon started off almost shouting but by the time he finished his sentence his voice was low and full of sadness. I walk closer to him and place my hand on his shoulder.
"She's not our Clary right now Simon; she might never be our Clary again. All we can hope for is that maybe she can somehow find peace wherever she is."
"Do you think she will come back?"
"I don't have an answer for you."
"Don't you want her to come back?"
"No."
"But…I thought…Jace you love her. Why wouldn't you want her to come back?"
"Why should I Simon? So she can just leave me again? So she can push me away and shut me out and speak to me like I'm nothing? Yesterday I was ready to burn down the fucking world to find her but I have had a lot of time to think things through. I realized that you can't make someone feel something they don't really feel. Clary doesn't love me anymore so it doesn't matter how I feel now does it?"
"You sound like you don't care anymore. You sound like you are just throwing your hands up in the air and saying fuck it, I give up."
"I'm exhausted Simon." I whisper in defeat as my own words sink in deep inside of my chest. I have lost everything; my daughter; my green eyed girl; my brother; my sister; and quite possibly my mind; I have nothing left.
"I'm going home."
"I'm guessing by your tone you would rather me not follow you then?"
"You guessed right. I'm not kicking you out or anything but just give me some time alone okay."
"I understand."
I watch Simon disappear down the crowded street and I have a strange feeling that I have wounded my friendship with him with my words. I know my words were painful but they were also true. I spend the rest of the day sitting on top of my daughter's grave and talking to the clouds. I'd like to think Heather is sleeping soundly in one of the fluffy white clouds that glide through the clear blue sky; my thought might sound silly but it brings a small smile to my face. When I get back to Simons apartment I find a note on the fridge that says he is going out for the night and to not wait up for him. I pull a carton of milk out of the fridge and flop on the couch to watch some mindless crap on the TV as I drink the milk.
Twenty minutes later I have managed to drink half the carton of milk and my stomach begins to churn from having too much liquid sloshing around in it. I shut the TV off and return the milk to the fridge before I climb into the shower. When the hot water hits my face; I double over and throw up the milk onto the bottom of the bathtub. Fuck! What a waste of perfectly good milk; I need to lean to eat or drink small amounts until I gain my appetite back otherwise I will end up throwing up all the time. I finish my shower and then take the time to shave the stubble off of my face before climbing into a bed that does not belong to me. I pull the extra pillow to my chest so I can pretend I'm not as alone as I feel. Somehow I start fall asleep as I think about how I have managed to get through the last thirty-nine hours without shedding a tear for the green eyed girl that left me. Maybe I can't cry because she took my heart with her when she left me. All I can do is take it one day at a time. Tomorrow is a new day.
TWO MONTHS LATER
It's been sixty-three days since I woke up to find her engagement ring sitting on top of her goodbye letter and I still don't know where she is because I haven't spoken to Alec or Izzy since then either. Alec only texts me once a week now to check on me and I always respond with the same text: STILL BREATHING. Izzy calls and leaves me voice mails pretty much on a daily basis. It's been a month since the last time she begged me to come home; now she just says random things to my voicemail. Things like: I bought a new pair of boots today Jace or my legs hurt from so much dancing last night at the club Jace; just little things. Simon and I are okay I think but then again not okay really; the two of us kind of avoid each other as much as possible. Yesterday we sat and played Xbox with his friend Kyle for most of the day; Kyle was kind of a wing man for Simon so Simon didn't have to spend the day one on one with just me.
I feel restless today as I roll out of bed to go get a shower before my shift at the gas station starts at nine. That's right I have a pathetic mundane job; I stand at a cash register and ring up people's gasoline and cigarettes for eight hours a day five days a week. My manager let me pick up and extra four hours of pay by going in at four a.m. on Saturdays to unload the truck and stock the shelves. The first Saturday I showed up expecting to be busy for four hours; only ended up being about an hour and a half of work. I got the truck hand unloaded in about twenty minutes and thanks to my slight OCD; had all the items unpacked and stocked on the shelves in just over an hour. My manager was impressed with my speed and agreed to pay me for the full four hours anyhow. The paycheck I get isn't much but in the last seven weeks I have manages to save almost fifteen hundred dollars. If you know anything about renting an apartment in New York City then you will know that fifteen hundred dollars is only about enough to cover a security deposit on an apartment the size of a shoe box.
Thankfully Simon pays for everything and told me to just keep saving my money. With the exception of a few personal items like shampoo and stuff and maybe something to eat when I'm not at Simons; I try not to spend any more of my money than I have to. I have seven more paychecks to earn before I turn eighteen and then I will start collecting a salary of five grand a month from the clave. I haven't decided whether or not to keep my job at the gas station once I turn eighteen or not; most likely I will. It's a boring, mind-numbing job but it gives me a reason to get the hell out of bed six days a week; Sundays are hard for me.
After I started my job I spent the first couple of Sundays just lying in bed pretending to sleep; but three Sunday's ago I woke up early and felt the need to get out of bed and every Sunday since then I have gotten up early and found something to do for the day. My shift at the gas station is from nine to five believe it or not (not bad for a seventeen year old) and I try to get up early enough so I can go for an hour long run before I need to get ready for work but today I slept in a little bit. Today is Friday and I only need to go in for about an hour and a half tomorrow to unload the truck. I can just go for a little longer of a run after I finish my work on Saturday to make up for missing out this morning.
It's two minutes till nine when I clock in for my shift and I smile at Keith as I walk behind the counter to watch him count out his drawer to end his shift.
"Anything exciting happen on the night shift Keith?"
"Not really but Jimmy the whine-o did make an appearance about three this morning."
"Did you give him a donut?"
"Yes I gave him a damn donut. It's your fault he comes in here every day you know. He's like a stray dog; you feed a stray dog once and they will always come back for more."
"Be nice to Jimmy; he's a pretty nice old fella. I told him to come in after two in the morning and you would give him the stale donuts for free since they get thrown out anyhow."
"Hey, I'm nice to him. I wasn't at first but now I find myself putting the damn donuts in a sack on the days that he comes in later than he usually does. You had to tell me his sad fucking story and now I feel bad for him. When he didn't come in till almost three I was actually kind of worried about the old bastard; I blame you for that Jace."
"Awe poor Keith has to admit that he has a soft side. Don't worry bud your secrets safe with me."
Keith is twenty-three and he has a one year old son to a girl that is pregnant with some other dudes baby; yet Keith lets her stay at his place because he says he feels bad for her but I know he is still in love with her. Keith is one of the good guys; he's had a steady job since he was fifteen and he mostly keeps himself out of trouble. He's a short little shit though; standing next to my six foot frame his ashy blond hair barely reaches the top of my shoulder and he's kind of chubby from eating too many hot dogs off the roller. I can't pick on him about eating the hot dogs though because I eat three or four of them every day myself; our manager said we can eat as many as we want for free as long as we are on the clock and with the minimum wage we get you just don't turn down free food.
"Look Jace, here she comes."
I follow Keith's line of vision to see the girl that comes in here like clockwork at nine fifteen every morning. The first time I saw her she looked so familiar to me and for my first week it drove me nuts every time she came in and I couldn't figure out why her light green eyes looked so familiar to me but when she walked in with Nurse Adams I made the connection. Ashley gave me a warm hug when she realized it was me standing behind the counter; I am so thankful that she didn't mention the two girls that are no longer in my life. Ashley introduced me to her younger sister; she said they were on their way to the art museum because her little sister had some of her pottery on display at the up and coming artists booth. Ashley told me her little sister's name was Hailey; she said their mother named each one of her three daughters with a 'y' at the end of their name. Hailey and Ashley both giggled when they said they both dodged a bullet by not being the first born; their oldest sister is named Milly after their grandmother.
"Why do you elbow every morning Keith? You know she comes in here every day on her way to school at the same time so why do you feel the need to elbow me every day at nine fifteen to tell me something I already know?"
"I see the way she smiles at you Jace. When are you going to grow a set of balls and ask her out already?"
"She's too old for me."
"She just turned nineteen and in about a month and half you will be eighteen so don't give me that shit. Look at her Jace; she's hot. Those green eyes; those long legs; even her hair is always nice."
"You seem to enjoy drooling over her so why don't you ask her out?"
"Jace you know why I don't ask her out. She won't give someone like me the time of day; not when she has you to look at."
"Don't be so negative about yourself Keith. You are a pretty good looking dude and you are a smooth talker; you just don't want to try that's all."
Keith and I end our conversation as Hailey steps up and puts her standard granola bar and bottle of water on the counter; it's what she gets every day. Always a bottle of water and always a granola bar but sometimes she gets different flavored granola bars.
"What did you pick today Hailey? Oh cranberry walnut…that sounds tasty. Let me know if it's any good."
"It is good. I have bought them a few times before but you guys haven't had this kind for a few months and I was pretty excited when I saw them on the shelf."
"What do you mean 'you guys'? I don't have anything to do with what gets put on the trucks; I only unload them. Take up your grievance with management."
"Well aren't you just in a sassy mood this morning Jace?"
"Shouldn't you be getting to class instead of harassing me?"
Hailey rolls her pale green eyes at me as I hand her the bag with her granola bar and bottle of water. She dumps her stuff out of the bag and tosses the white sack at me like she does every morning. The first time I rang her up I put her stuff in a bag and she threw the bag back at me jokingly; so now I just bag her stuff to get a rise out of her.
"I actually don't have class today."
"Oh…why not?"
"I get the day off because I am setting up the up and coming artists booth today; it's my turn."
"That's right it is Friday. Do you have any new pottery to put on display today?"
"No but all of my pottery would be new to you if you came to see it you know."
"I'm working."
"Yes right now you are but your shift is over at what four or five?"
"Yeah five o'clock."
"The exhibit runs all the way to seven tonight so you should come and check it out; there are some really good pieces to look at. My friend Zander has an especially nice sculpture to show off today."
"I don't really know what I am doing after work but maybe I will drop by."
"You really should because it will end my curiosity about you."
"Curiosity? What do you mean?"
"I am curious as to whether or not you have legs Jace. I have only seen you from the waist up for the last two months and I'm starting to wonder if there are legs attached to that body."
"Now who's being sassy?"
"That's my cue to get the hell out of here. See you on Monday Jace; unless you sprout legs and decide to come to the museum tonight."
"Have a good weekend Hailey."
"You too."
I watch her exit the store and climb into her black Honda Civic and her car disappears from the parking lot.
"Now if that wasn't an invitation then I don't know what it was."
"What are you talking about Keith?"
"She totally just threw you a line there Jace. She wants to see you outside of this place. You should totally go tonight."
"I don't think so. I have to unload the truck in the morning."
"Excuses, excuses; what do you go to bed at five o'clock or something?"
"Can you drop it already Keith."
Keith steps in front of me and his brown eyes are glaring up at me and he has the strangest look on his face. His eyes dart around to see that the store is empty before looking at me again. His words come out in a hushed tone.
"Are you into dudes Jace? I mean that's cool if you are but just tell me and I will stop nagging you about Hailey all the time." I feel the need to chuckle at his serious tone.
"I appreciate your support Keith."
"So you are then? Gay I mean?"
"Not exactly but let's just say I am kind of off the market."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I am not interested in dating anyone right now."
"What the hell is wrong with you? You are just a young kid yet. It's not about dating anyone; it's about getting laid man."
"Okay Keith, I'll just go to the museum tonight and fuck Hailey in the bathroom just to make you happy."
"I can't tell if you are being serious or not."
"You are an idiot Keith. Of course I'm not being serious. Like I'd do something like that anyhow."
"It's something most seventeen year old guys would do; hell I couldn't tell you how many girls I banged in a bathroom when I was seventeen."
"She comes in here every day Keith. I can't just fuck her once and then look her in the eye every morning like it never happened."
Doing something like that is something I used to do in the past. I never had a problem looking a girl in the eye after I fucked them in the bathroom at the club a week before. I don't do that stuff anymore though.
"There are two other gas stations on this street not to mention a good twenty or so in a ten block radius throughout this city. She comes in this gas station every day because she wants to see you; you are just too blind to see that."
"Go home Keith your little one will be waiting for his daddy to come home."
"I'll see you on Monday Jace; have a good weekend."
"Thanks, you too."
It's almost five o'clock when my phone vibrates in my pocket; when I pull it out it says I have a new picture message. The picture is of Emma floating on her surf board with a beer in her hand and a bright smile on her face. She has been in Hawaii for the past three weeks on what she calls a mental health vacation. Sandra died six weeks ago and I was proud of Emma for keeping it together at her funeral. Being at Sandra's funeral was fucking hard for me but I got through it for Em's sake. I stayed with Emma for two days but she told me to go home; she said she needed time alone. She spent the next three weeks hiding under the blankets filled with grief for her loss. When she called me to tell me she was going to Hawaii I was happy for her and every day she sends me pictures; it's good to see her smiling face. I decide to send her a quick text since my shift is almost over anyhow; we really aren't supposed to be using our cell phone when we are on the clock but the manager pretends not to see it if we don't make it a bad habits.
ME: 217-0226 – Looking good as usual. Thanks for making me thirsty.
EM: 539-7010 – Getting tanner by the day Jace. This beer is ice cold too.
ME: 217-0226 – Brat. Have fun; love you.
EM: 539-7010 – Love you too. Miss you so much.
ME: 217-0226 – Sorry. I'm a working man now Em. Miss you more.
I shove my phone back in my pocket as Pauline steps behind the counter to watch me count out my drawer. I nod at Pauline and she just gives me a dirty look. Pauline is about sixty years old and she is about the grumpiest person I have ever met. She doesn't talk to me so I don't talk to her. I punch out and head back to Simon's apartment with the plan of watching TV until I go to bed. Such an exciting life I live. A seventeen year old with money in the bank and a beautiful Friday night to do whatever I want to do and I am planning on spending it in front of the TV.
I grab a pack of Oreo's and flop on the couch as I glance around the small living room for the remote. As I reach for the remote a sound coming from Simon's bedroom keeps me from turning on the TV. I lean my head over the back of couch so I can hear better only to hear the sounds of a girl moaning. Fuck! I can't sit out her while Simon bangs some chick not ten feet from me. I get up off the couch so I can get a shower and change my clothes; I need to find something to do while Simon entertains his guest for the evening. Fifteen minutes later when I open my bedroom door I can hear muffled voices coming from the kitchen. Shit, there is no way to escape without Simon and his female guest seeing me. I step into the kitchen as casually as I can only to stop dead in my tracks when I see familiar dark hair.
"Iz? Is that you?"
My sister runs across the kitchen and throws herself hard against my chest. I hug her tightly for a moment before cupping her face in my hands. Her dark eyes are moist with the threat of tears.
"You look really good Jace. It's so nice to see you."
"It's good to see you Izzy. How have you been and when did you start fucking the vampire again?"
"I've been okay and I never really stopped fucking the vampire; we just lost track of time today. I am usually gone before you get home from work."
My eyes shift from my sister to Simon who is standing across the kitchen with an awkward look on his face. The sneaky little shit has been seeing Izzy all this time; I thought for sure he ended things with her but I guess I was wrong. There are a lot of things I would love to say to the two of them right now but I decide to just keep my mouth shut. Who am I to judge their fucked up relationship?
"Simon, you don't have to sneak her in and out of here you know."
"I wasn't really sneaking…okay I was but I only did it because I thought you didn't want to see her."
I look back at my sister and she has a shy smile on her face.
"It's okay Izzy. You can come here whenever you want to; I'm fine now."
"Are you sure Jace? I don't want to push you or anything. I understand you need your space."
"I'm sure. I told you I am fine now; I don't need space. I have missed you little sister."
"Alec really misses you too you know."
"I know but I still need a little time before I can see him. I'm still pretty pissed off at him; it gets a little better every day but I am not quite ready to see him yet."
"So since I can stay; do you want pizza or Chinese for dinner?"
"Neither; I'm going out. I have plans."
"Like what?"
"I was invited to an art show at the museum tonight; so I thought I would go check it out."
"Who invited you?"
"Always the nosey sister aren't you?"
"Yes, now tell me."
"Just some girl that comes in the gas station every morning."
"Are you talking about Ashley's little sister?" Simon has his eyebrows raised as he waits for me to answer his question.
"Um…yeah Hailey said there are some good pieces there tonight so…you know I figured why not."
"I'm lost here. Who is Ashley and who is this Hailey girl?" Izzy asks.
"Do you remember Nurse Adams?"
"Was she the one with the weird green eyes?"
"Her eyes aren't weird; just different but yes that one."
"Yeah okay I remember her; what about her?"
"Her name is Ashley and Hailey is her little sister. Hailey comes into the gas station that I work at every morning and I guess you could say she…might be sort of a friend or maybe a close acquaintance of mine even."
"How close?"
"Stop looking at me like that Izzy. Hailey is really only just a friend; nothing ever happened between us; this will be the first time I will be seeing her outside of my job; not that it's really any of your business anyhow."
"What about Cl…"
I cover my sister's mouth before she can finish speaking the name of the girl that left me.
"Please don't Izzy."
"Sorry Jace."
"Look I'm going to get out of here for a couple of hours so you two have fun while I'm gone."
Simon and Izzy both say goodbye as I grab my jacket and leave the apartment. It's almost six thirty by the time I get to the museum because I wasn't paying attention to where I was going and had to back track a few blocks. It takes me a couple of minutes to find the exhibit for the up and coming artists but when I do; I find some the pieces to be quite impressive. One painting in particular catches my eye; I quickly look away from the painting of the city because the fine detail reminds me of her. I avert my attention away from the painting to look at a strange sculpture of something that resembles of all things a Drevok demon to me.
"I told you it was an impressive piece."
I turn around to see Hailey smiling at me; she has her brown hair hanging over her left shoulder with a small silver band to keep it in place. Her light green eyes are more intense from her dark eyeliner and mascara and her lips are a shiny pink color from some kind of lip gloss. I glance down to see her wearing a dark purple dress that fits her tall frame; the hem of her skirt sits at the middle of her tan thighs. Her three inch heals makes her almost as tall as I am; she has to be about five eight or so anyhow.
"This is your friend's piece?"
"Yes. Zander always sculpts pretty unique pieces."
"It's definitely unique all right. Is he here I would like to meet him?"
The reason why I want to meet him is because of the Drevok-like demon he sculpted. I want to see if this Zander person might have Angel or possibly demon blood running in his veins or if he is simply just a mundane with the gift of sight.
"No you just missed him. He had to get home; his wife needed him to get home because she has a nasty flu. Zander just got over the flu himself only a day or so ago."
"Oh…well that's too bad. I would have liked to have told him he does nice work."
"Well would you look at that? You do have legs after all Jace; long ones might I add. I knew you were tall but seeing those long legs it gives me new perspective."
"These aren't the ones I usually wear to these kinds of things but my other legs are in the repair shop getting fixed." I joke with her and she laughs; she has a sweet laugh.
"I am really glad you could come tonight Jace."
"I'm glad I did come; you and your classmates have some amazing talent; it's always nice to see a good mind put to use."
"Did you get a chance to look at any of my pottery?"
"I did."
"And?"
"They are lovely Hailey; you are very talented."
"Thank you Jace."
"You're welcome and you look lovey this evening as well."
"How old are you Jace?"
"Seventeen why?"
"That young!"
"Easy grandma, I'll be eighteen in a little less than two months."
"I should slap you for calling me grandma you know. I just turned nineteen last week I'll have you know."
"Oh well happy late birthday then."
"Thank you."
"Did you do anything special for your birthday?"
"No I had class all day and ate cold pizza for dinner while I watched Netflix."
"That's a terrible way to spend your birthday."
"I actually enjoyed myself. I am usually busy all the time so it was nice to just veg you know."
"What keeps you so busy?"
"School, studying, I go to yoga three times a week and well you know girls have shopping to do."
"You like shopping?"
"What girl doesn't like shopping? I might need to get help for my shoe addiction."
I know one girl that doesn't like shopping. That girl only owned two pair of shoes other than her boots for training and hunting demons.
"Why did you have that strange look on your face when you asked me how old I was?"
"Because of the way you talk."
"What's wrong with the way I talk?"
"Nothing it's just one minute you sound like a regular teenage boy and the next you sound like some of the professors at my school."
"I'm just properly educated that's all. I was taught manors."
"I can see that. That's a good thing, most guys don't have manors. The way you complimented me on my looks for example; most guys wouldn't say anything at all and if they do it's something like hey babe your ass looks great in that dress."
"You are giving me way too much credit here Hailey. I have been known to say those exact words; even more vulgar ones then that in fact. I just know the right place and the wrong place to say those kinds of things. This is the wrong kind of place to say something like that."
"Are you saying that if we were somewhere that wasn't so stuffy then you would have told me my ass looks good in this dress?"
"No!" Shit, I think I am giving this girl the wrong idea. I know that look she is giving me right now; the tilt of her head; the flutter of her eyelashes; the way she dips her cleavage towards me; she is flirting with me. When I practically shout the word no to her; her whole body language shifts from flirty to squared and uncomfortable because of the look I am giving her.
"I was only kidding around Jace."
"No you weren't you were flirting with me." I do my best to keep my voice calm.
"So you flirt with me all the time."
"I do not."
"Yes you do! The way you always put my water and granola in a bag even though you know I don't want one. The way you sound when you tell me to have a nice day at school. The way you smile at me. The way your eyes get bright when I look at you."
"I'm really sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. If you thought I was flirting with you in any way I promise you that was not my intentions; I was only trying to be friendly."
"Do you have a girlfriend or something?"
"No."
"Am I not your type? Am I not pretty enough for you? Help me out here Jace; I really enjoy talking to you and you seem to enjoy talking to me. I find you very nice to look at; I thought you and I had chemistry or was I wrong about that? Or is it that you are one of those guys who likes to play games with girls?"
I realize that she is slowly backing away from me; a few more steps and she will be able to hide in the ladies room to escape me if my words hurt her feeling more than I can now see they already have. I quickly look around to see if anyone is watching before I grab Hailey by her arm and shove her into the bathroom and press her against the bathroom door. Her light green eyes are dancing with excitement having me this close to her. Fuck! This is not how I want her to look at me. I cup her face between my hands as I step back to put some distance between our bodies before speaking to her.
"Listen to me closely Hailey. I want you to know that you are a very pretty girl. I do enjoy talking to you and maybe you are even right about there being some kind of chemistry between the two of us but I really need you to understand that I can only be your friend."
I let her go and step back another step to put even more distance between the two of us. Her light green eyes are full of questions that I don't think I will be able to answer it she ask me the wrong ones.
"She must have really done a number on you huh?"
"Who?"
"Whatever girl that you are still hung up on."
"I can offer you my friendship Hailey but nothing more; I'm sorry."
"Avoiding my questions I see. Okay just friends then."
She holds her hand out to me so we can shake on our truce and her hand is warm in mine when I shake it briefly before letting her go.
"Since we are just friends I'll buy you a cheeseburger tonight but the next one is on you Jace."
"I don't think so."
"Why not aren't you hungry?"
"Hell yeah I'm hungry but you look far too pretty in that dress for just a crappy cheeseburger. Come on I know a really good Italian place that isn't too far from here."
Hailey and I have been done eating for almost an hour but we continue to sit in the almost empty restaurant and talk.
"So is art your major in school then?" I ask.
"No I'm actually majoring in accounting. Money makes the world go round and as long as there is money there will always be a need for an accountant; the paycheck I'll make is the reason for my choice of major."
"But you seem pretty interested in art though."
"Art will always be my passion but I need money to live and since I am good with numbers being an accountant just seems like a good choice."
"I hate money. Money makes life too complicated. Not enough money, you are living on the streets and too much money, you get bored and get a cocaine habit or your wife leaves you for the pool boy after she cleans your bank account out because you are too busy making money to give her the attention she deserves."
"I think I understand what you mean Jace but I am hoping to find a happy medium between those two scenarios. I don't want to live on the streets but then again I don't want to have so much money that I develop a drug habit. Not that I'm a saint or anything; I've done my fair share of drugs."
"Seriously! Like what?"
"You know the standard pot, a hit or two of acid and even a line of coke or two. The college life offers all kind of ways to expand your horizons."
I still have my jaw hanging open as I look at her; Hailey doesn't strike me as the kind of girl that does drugs. I am having trouble picturing her bent over a mirror with a straw shoved up her nostril as she snorts a line of cocaine.
"You do realize that just because college offers those kinds of things that doesn't mean you have to take them right?"
"Are you judging me right now?"
"Probably a little bit but you know what I mean. As your new friend I guess what I am saying is just be careful. It only takes one bad acid trip to fuck up your whole life."
"What about you Jace? Have you ever done any drugs?"
I think about the few times I have had fairy drugs in my system not by choice and decide that since I was tricked into drinking a tainted mix from Kailea a few times that it doesn't really could as drugs.
"I have had a few hang overs from Jack Daniels before but that as far as I would go for experimenting."
"That's a little surprising to be honest with you. With all those tattoos and that mysterious look in your eyes I would have pegged you for a hard core partier."
I decided to stop putting a glamor rune on to hide my permanent runes and just let the mundanes think that my runes are tattoos. Most of the time my clothes cover them up anyhow unless I have a short sleeved shirt on; the only rune that shows is part of my parabitai rune on my neck. I have seen Hailey five days a week for the last seven weeks and she has seen me in a t-shirt enough time to see the runes that mark my arms. Keith tried asking me what they meant but I just told him that I drew them and had them inked on; thankfully he let it go.
"Look who's judging who now. I guess that's only fair though you don't look like the kind of girl to even drink one beer let alone snort coke off a mirror in some dirty bathroom."
"Yeah well I might look all sweet an innocent but I am far from it; trust me."
"I believe you."
"So are you then?"
"Am I what?"
"Sweet and innocent?"
"Well I used to go out every weekend and I drank a lot and did quite a bit of other things I'm not very proud of but I don't do that anymore."
"Did you have a problem with alcohol or something?"
"No nothing like that. It's just not of interest to me anymore."
"What kind of things did you do that you aren't proud of?"
"Um…I'm not sure…"
"Oh come on Jace! We are friends and this is what friends talk about. You tell me your dirty little secrets and I'll tell you mine; it will be fun."
"I'm not certain that I want to know what kind of secrets you have Hailey." I joke.
"Some of them are funny. So tell me Jace; what aren't you proud of?"
"Like I said I used to go out every weekend; both Friday and Saturday and almost every night I spent at the club I ended up in the bathroom with some girl I didn't even know."
"What did you do in the bathroom?"
"Do you really have to ask that question?"
"You could have been playing scrabble for all I know."
"You are unbelievable you know that. I fucked them or they gave me blow jobs; there does that satisfy your curiosity?"
She throws her head back and holds her hands over her stomach as she laughs at my blunt confession and I can't help but laugh along with her. She laughs so hard that she wipes tears away from her eyes as her laughter tapers off.
"Okay, okay my turn now. When I was fifteen; my grandmother caught me masturbating with one of her wooden spoons in her bathroom. "
"Wow, just wow!"
"Wipe that look off your face Jace; it's not like you have never masturbated before. All teenagers do it."
"I don't deny touching myself I'm just trying to figure out why on earth you would use a wooden spoon. I mean geez didn't your grandmother have a cucumber or something?"
Now it's my turn to wipe tears from my eyes because I am laughing so hard. Laughing like this feels good; I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.
"If you think that's funny Jace then you are really going to howl when I tell you that my grandmother beat my ass with that very wooden spoon."
"Oh…I don't think that's funny at all. She shouldn't have done that to you."
"It's no big deal; my grandmother comes from the old school. She's one those people that believes a good ass whooping will do a child good."
"There is a big difference between discipline and beating a girl with a wooden spoon. Besides its normal to explore our bodies and she shouldn't have punished you for that."
"I guess she just panicked. I think you were lucky if you never got caught."
"Oh I got caught plenty of times. In fact my brother and I were so bad we were given rules about where and when we were allowed to masturbate. It's good that the rules were set in place because we really go out of hand with it for a while."
"What do you mean?"
"You are going to think I am sick if I tell you."
"No I won't."
"First let me tell you that anytime I say brother or sister you need to understand that I was adopted okay."
"Uh-oh I think I know where this might be going. Did you peak at your sister when she was in the shower or something?"
"No nothing like that. I just tormented her all the time. I used to use my boners to get rid of her whenever she was bothering me."
"How the hell did you do that?"
"If she was getting on my nerves I would make myself hard and then I would chase her away with it…don't look at me like that Hailey; I never took it out of my pants or anything like that. Even her own blood brother did it a few times because it was so effective."
"Is that why the rules were put into effect then?"
"No but the reason for the rules is fucking embarrassing."
"More embarrassing then getting caught in the act by an eighty year old woman?"
"Sort of; I wasn't caught in the act but I left the evidence all over my adoptive mother's bearskin rug."
"What!"
"Shh…keep your voice down and stop laughing it's not that funny."
"Oh but it is that funny Jace. How old were you?"
"I was only twelve."
"I can almost picture you laying naked on a bearskin rug in front of fire for a romantic date with rosy palmer."
"I even had candles lit."
"Liar!"
"I swear I'm not lying to you. I meant to blow the candles out and go to bed but I fell asleep; I didn't even think about all the stains I left."
"ALL the stains. For the love of god how many times did you do it?"
"Lots."
I can't believe I just told her that story I have never told anyone that story before not even Emma and I have told Emma some pretty fucked up stories before. The only person other than me that knew about what I did to that rug was Mayrse and she promised not to tell anyone about it. Hailey and I are still chuckling when our waiter comes over with an apologetic smile on his face; he tells us he is sorry to ruin our fun but they need to close the restaurant for the night. By the time we reach Hailey's apartment it is close to eleven thirty.
"Did you want to come in for a little while?"
"Actually I really should be getting home; I have to be at work at four."
"Four in the morning?"
"Yeah I unload the truck on Saturdays; it doesn't really take me that long but I have to be there by four to meet the truck."
"You're going to be so tired."
"I'll be fine; I can take a nap after I'm done."
"What time to you get done?"
"I'm supposed to be there from four till eight but I'm usually done and out of there by five-thirty."
"You're boss lets you leave early?"
"Yeah it's pretty great actually he pay's me for four hour of work and I only have to be there for an hour and a half."
"Do you have a phone on you Jace?"
I pull my cell phone out and hand it to her; thinking she needs to make a phone call but she pushes a few buttons and then hands it back to me with a smile on her face as her purse makes a buzzing sound.
"There, now we have each other's numbers."
"Oh…okay."
"Get ahold of me if you want to hang out or something."
"Sure…Well I really should get going so I can get a couple hours of sleep. I had really nice time tonight; I can't remember the last time I laughed so much."
"I had a great time too Jace; I think it will be nice to have you as a friend."
"Goodnight Hailey."
"Goodnight."
I wait for a couple of minutes just to make sure she gets into her building before heading towards the subway station. Normally I walk everywhere but it will take me a good thirty minutes to walk; the subway will get me to Simons in less than ten minutes. I lock the deadbolt and slip my jacket off before heading for my room to get some sleep. A dark shadow in the corner of the living room makes me freeze in place; slowly I pull my dagger out of my belt.
"It's just me Jace."
"Shit Simon! I nearly stabbed you. Why are you setting in the dark?"
"I'm a vampire I don't need a lamp to see."
"I know that but what are you doing?"
"Waiting for you to come home; it's after midnight you know."
"Do I have a curfew?"
"Don't be stupid. You are welcome to come and go as you please."
"I had a weapon Simon; there is no need for you to worry so go to bed. I assume my sister went home."
"No she's sleeping in my room."
"Well that's what I want to be doing right now; I have work in a few hours. Not sleep in your room; I meant my own."
"How was your date?"
Simons tone makes me stop walking towards my bedroom door. I turn around and after I flip on the lights in the living room I look at him for almost a full minute before speaking.
"I wasn't on a date Simon; Hailey is just a friend."
"Right now she is but…"
"But what? She is a nice girl and I had a really great time tonight; why are you making me feel guilty about this?"
"I'm not trying to make you feel guilty about anything Jace; I'm worried for you and I might not know this girl but I'm a little worried for her too."
"Worried? Why would you be worried?"
"From some of the things you told me about Hailey; she sounds pretty great and I also get the impression that she might be interested in more than just friendship. I know you Jace; she's going to fall for you and you are going to feel guilty about that and the next thing you know you have a huge mess on your hands."
"I told her that all I can give her is my friendship; she said she understands. I think she gets that I have some skeletons in my closet."
"Did you tell her about…well you know…why you can only be friends with her and nothing else?"
The fact that Simon uses his words carefully without saying certain words or names makes me smile at him for his understanding ways.
"No but I'm pretty sure she gets the idea. She said quote: She must have really done a number on you huh."
"Perceptive isn't she."
"Maybe a little too perceptive but don't worry I am being careful; if I get any strange vibes from her then I will keep my distance but I had a really good time talking to her. My stomach still aches from laughing and it feels wonderful."
"I'm really glad you had a good time Jace; just be careful okay. I know you still have a long way to go but it seems like each day gets a little better for you and I would hate to see you backslide."
"I really appreciate your concern Simon; it means a lot to me."
"You're my friend."
"Without sounding too mushy; you have been so much more than a friend to me."
"Go get some sleep Jace; you have to be at the gas station in like four hours."
"Goodnight Simon."
I don't bother undressing; I just flop on the bed after I set my alarm for a measly three hours; I'll just wear these clothes to work. As a try to fall asleep I have mixed feeling swirling in my head. On one hand I am still kind of smiling because of how much fun I had with Hailey. On the other hand I feel a sense of guilt because Simon actually thinks I am doing better; I'm not; I just have my wall up around him. Do I have good days once in a while? Sure, but most of my days I only pretend to be…well not miserable I guess. I am so full of hatred all the time and I really am trying my hardest to let go of some of that hate but it's hard. How can you feel hatred towards someone that owns your heart?