Song List For This Chapter…
Heavy In Your Arms - Florence & The Machine
Light It Up - OneRepublic
Breathe Again - Art Of Dying
Distant Memory - The Xcerts
Had Enough - Breaking Benjamin
Snuff - Slipknot
Madness - Muse ((Love this band))
The End - Jezabels
This Pobably Won't End Well - All That Remains
Safe With Me - Sam Smith
Hairline Fracture - Rise Against
You Don't Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison - My Chemical Romance
TWO DAYS LATER
It's almost eleven-thirty in the morning on a Thursday and I am bored out of my mind. I have cleaned my tiny apartment; I have organized the canned goods in my cupboard and refolded all the towels in my bathroom. It's been two days since I have heard from Hailey and I wish she would at least send me a text or something. I wish this restless feeling would go away; I am half tempted to go to the institute and spend the rest of the day training for something to do. I called Simon but he didn't answer his phone; I sent Izzy a text but she didn't respond. Alec and Magnus are in Albany for the day and other than tagging along with Alec and Izzy for patrol tonight I have nothing to do. My problem is that I keep replaying what happened between Hailey and I the night of my birthday; I am so racked with guilt that it makes my stomach hurt. Not only do I feel like I betrayed the girl that owns my heart but now I fear that I have fucked up my friendship with Hailey.
After I take a shower and get dressed; I flop on the couch to watch Netflix since Hailey left her laptop here. I thought about using her laptop as an excuse to call her because she never goes anywhere without the damn thing; I decided not to though because I told her that I would wait for her to reach out to me first. A knock at my door wakes me up from my nap on the couch and when I stand up I have a crick in my neck from sleeping in an awkward position for so long; the clock on the wall tells me it's almost seven at night. Shit, I will be wide awake for most of the night since I slept so long. There is another knock at my door and I almost forgot there was someone here. When I open my door there is a familiar pair of light green eyes looking at me.
"Ashley? What are you doing here?"
"I'm really sorry to bother you Jace but could I come in?"
"It's no bother at all. Please come in. Is everything okay? Are you here to pick up Hailey's laptop?"
I watch as Ashley glances around my small apartment; she takes a moment to look at the couch as though she is thinking about setting down but she lets out a small breath and turns to look at me without setting down; her light green eyes are moist. I take two steps towards her and reach my arms out to try to comfort her; she raises her hand up to stop me from getting any closer. I must have really fucked up with Hailey if she sent her sister here to talk to me. Hailey must not want to even speak to me anymore; let alone look at me. The fact that Ashley has tears in her eyes and refused to let me comfort her tells me that I really did fuck up with Hailey.
"Ashley…I…look you need to hear me out…I never meant to…"
"Hailey is dead Jace."
Ashley's words were weakly spoken and after she said them she dropped to the floor onto her knees where she begins to gasp loudly for air. I feel like I have frozen to a solid block of ice; my legs won't move and I don't think I am even breathing anymore. Dead? Hailey? How could this have happened? Is this some kind of fucked up joke?
"What do you mean she's dead? How…what happened?"
Ashley takes a few minutes to control her crying and when she looks at me with the same eyes that Hailey has a shudder runs through my body.
"I hadn't heard from her for three days and that is just not like her. Hailey at least takes the time to send me a quick good morning text every day. I decided to not put too much thought into her silence but when her friend Melony called me and told me that Hailey hasn't been at school and that her job was looking for her; I started to get worried. I tried to call her phone but just got sent strait to voicemail; I left the hospital and went to her apartment. Her door was locked and she wouldn't answer my knocking; I used my key to get in. I found her apartment trashed and when I went into her bedroom she was laying across her bed; her eyes were open and I knew right then and there she was gone."
"Did you call the police?"
"I dialed 911 as soon as I found her. I found Steven in the bathroom while I was waiting for 911 to get there."
"What do you mean you found Steven in the bathroom?"
"He hung himself. I found the note at his feet. He said that he has loved Hailey for three years and someone tried to take her away from him. He said that she belonged to him and that he would rather her be dead than to see her with someone else. Jace he beat her so badly before he killed her. The medical examiner said she was raped and tortured before he killed her. I don't understand any of this. She only started dating this guy and what is he talking about someone taking her away from him? You are the only other male that she even spends time with so I think he must have been mistaken."
"It was me…I let him think that Hailey and I were more than just friends."
"What do you mean?"
"He came here to my apartment on my birthday and Hailey was asleep in my bed and I answered the door with a towel on; he put two and two together and flipped out. He punched me and accused me of being intimate with her; I was so angry at him for how he upset her earlier and I ended up telling him that if he would do his job right then she wouldn't need to find it elsewhere."
"Jace, I thought you and my sister were just friends. She never even said anything more was going on between the two of you."
"There wasn't; we were only just friends. I just said those things to Steven because I knew it would make him mad; I wanted him to breakup with Hailey and leave her alone; he wasn't good for her. Hailey woke up right in the middle of our argument and it all happened so fast."
"What did? What all happened so fast Jace?"
"I tried to go to Hailey to explain what was going on but Steven knocked me down from behind; he managed to slap her face and start choking her before I could get him off of her. I beat him bloody and threw him out of my apartment; I watched him crawl towards the elevator."
"Then what happened?"
"I got dressed and her and I went to dinner with everyone else then we all went to a concert. I had a lot to drink at the concert and Hailey helped me get home; she took care of me. Caregiving must run in your families blood Ashley because she took such good care of me; just like you took care of…anyway she brushed my teeth; she cleaned my face and hands; she took my puke splattered clothes off; she made me take Tylenol and forced me to drink glass after glass of water; she said it would help me feel better the next day. By the time I took her to my room I was almost completely sober."
"What do you mean you took her to your room?"
"Ashley, you know my history…you know the pain and suffering I went through…I don't know how you managed to keep it all from your sister…"
"It's called privacy Jace; it wasn't my business to repeat. Trust me there were so many times that I wanted to tell my sister to be careful with you. I knew what you went through at the hospital; I don't know what happened after she was discharged but when I ran into you at the gas station that day…well I decided that something must have happened between you and Clary…for what it's worth Jace; I am truly sorry for your pain…please tell me what happened when you took my sister into your room."
"I want you to know how much I care for your sister…she makes me laugh…she makes me almost feel happy sometimes…I almost forgot what happiness feels like…I saw the way Hailey looked at me all the time…she…"
"She loved you Jace. Her and I got into a bit of an argument when she told me how she felt about you. She told me that she would never act on her feeling for you because you told her you just wanted friendship from her."
"That's true, I did only want to be her friend but you need to understand how desperate I feel all the time. I am so damn tired of feeling this ache in my chest…I am so damn tired of feeling so much hate towards some one that took my heart with them when they left me…I just wanted to try…I wanted to try to feel something besides hate and pain all the time…things between your sister and I went a little too far that night and I will forever be sorry for that…I stopped when I realized that what I was doing was not only wrong but would never change the way I felt…it would never take that pain and hate away from me…I felt terrible for putting Hailey in the middle of my fucked up emotional state…we talked for a while and she said that she still wanted to be my friend. When she left my apartment that night we hugged each other and she told me that she would get ahold of me in a few days; she said she needed a little time to get over what happened between the two of us but that she still wanted to be my friend."
"That's the last time you saw her or heard from her then?"
"Yes, she left here around one-thirty in the morning."
"According to the coroner's report; Hailey's time of death was around four in the morning. So he must have been in her apartment waiting for her to come home."
"I would have never let her leave here if I had known what she would have gone home to. I knew Steven was slightly off but considering that they were only dating for such a short period of time; I would have never expected him to do something like this to her."
"Jace, you can't beat yourself up over what happened. None of us knew what kind of person Steven really was. The police searched his house and found some disturbing things there. He must have had nearly two thousand pictures of Hailey; he was stalking her for almost three years. He had items that belonged to Hailey from the past three years. One of the policemen showed me a few pictures of the things he had of hers and I was shocked. There was this pink sweater that Hailey fell in love with at the mall almost two years ago; she treated herself and bought it. She only got to wear it maybe three times when it just disappeared one day. I remember she got into a huge fight with our mother about it. She was convinced that our mother somehow ruined the sweater when she washed it and that mom must have felt so bad about it; that she threw it away. But mom didn't throw it away…he took it…Steven took that stupid pink sweater…Jace…my baby sister is gone…she had so much going for her and he took it all away."
I must have spent nearly an hour holding Ashely to my chest as she cried over the loss of her sister; as much as I wanted to allow my own tears to fall; I kept them in as I held her. Once she calmed down a little bit; I walked her home and she filled me in on the funeral arrangements for Hailey. I promised Ashley that I would attend the services for Hailey but I don't know if I can keep that promise. I would never not go on purpose but the day of Hailey's funeral is the same day (two days from now) that I am to portal to Idris for my Ceremony; I will receive a few marks and be deemed as an official adult shadowhunter under the eye of the clave.
It's a little after ten when I find myself standing outside of Alec's bedroom at the institute. My room…the room that I shared so many memories with her; it's almost pulling me towards it. I also feel the urge to visit the room that was once the nursery for my daughter; it's not there anymore; Alec took all that away from me in a few short hours. I choke back the bile that rises to the back of my throat; the bile is bitter to match the way I feel towards Alec for taking my daughters room away from me. I clamp my eyes shut and breathe deeply for a few moments before I turn the handle on my brothers bedroom door. I find Alec asleep in his bed; he has training in the morning (so do I actually) and he always was one to make sure to get a good night's sleep.
Alec wasn't happy about me waking him up but after I explained what happened to Hailey and that I needed his help convincing the clave to either bump up my ceremony by a day or push it back by a day; he agreed to help me. I am sitting on the edge of Alec's bed waiting for him to return from the library; he is contacting the clave to see what he can do to help. After almost an hour goes by; he finally returns to his bedroom; he gives me the ghost of a smile when he sits down beside me.
"Well it took me a little bit to convince them to move your ceremony but they decided to move your ceremony to next Saturday instead of this Saturday."
"Thank you Alec; you have no idea how much this means to me. I would be sick if I couldn't go to her funeral."
"Do you need me to go with you?"
"No but you are welcome to go; I wouldn't stop you from going; I know you were fond of Hailey."
"We all were Jace. Hailey was good for you…she made you laugh…she made you smile…the rest of us couldn't not be fond of her for what she has done for you."
"She really liked all of you too; especially Magnus; she really got a kick out of his sense of fashion."
"As much as I and I'm sure Izzy, Simon and Magnus would like to attend her funeral; maybe we shouldn't because it might be too much for her family to have too many people there. I will go with you if you need me to though."
"You might be right about her family thinking there are too many people at her funeral; so maybe you all shouldn't go."
"But they would understand if you need me there for support Jace."
"I don't though. Need you that is; I don't need you to hold my hand Alec."
"Jace I think maybe you are still in shock from all of this so if you change your mind and want me to go with you; I will definitely go to the funeral with you."
"I'm not in shock Alec. I can go alone. Thank you for offering though and thank you for helping me with the clave."
"I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable or anything but have you even cried over the loss of your friend yet Jace?"
"No."
"Then you must still be in shock because I was nowhere near as close to her as you were and I am having trouble keeping myself together."
"I'm tired of crying Alec…I'm tired of feeling this fucked up mixture of pain, hate, loss, and fucking numbness in my chest every damn day. I want it to go away…I wish the numbness would just take over full force already so I don't have to feel anything else…I'm so damned tired of feeling this shit every day."
"You think I don't know that Jace? You think I don't feel what you feel every day?"
"I know you do and that's all the more reason why I want to stop feeling this way. I hate that you have to feel what I feel. I see what my suffering is doing to you; I see the bags under your eyes every time I look at you; I watch you lose your appetite right along with me when I am having a particularly bad day. I am trying so hard Alec; every day I try…every day I force myself to get out of bed and fight just to get through that one day. Every night I lay in bed and find different ways to make myself fall asleep; only to wake from dreams that I don't want to have anymore; yet at the same time I would be heartbroken to not have those dreams. Dreaming of her is the only way I can have her and if that's all I get then I will take it."
"I'm so sorry Jace; I wish there was something I could do to take your pain away."
It takes all the strength I have inside of me not to punch him in the face right now. It takes all my strength not to scream at him; to scream at him for taking her away from me; to scream at him for not telling me where she is. On one hand I view my brother as an angel for doing what he feels is right for both her and I in this situation; on the other hand I view him as the worst demon I have ever met for the torture he puts me through every day by not telling me where she is. I want to beat him until he tells me where she is; I want to get down on my knees and beg him to tell me where she is. I want to hug him and thank him for the way he loves her and the lengths he has gone to and will continue to go to, to protect her; to ultimately try to protect me.
"I need to get a few things from my old room if that's alright Alec."
"It's not your old room; that room will always belong to you. You don't need anyone's permission to go in there."
"Okay…I'll see you in the training room at nine then."
"Jace you don't have to train tomorrow."
"I will see you in the morning. Goodnight Alec."
"Goodnight Jace…"
I leave my parabitai's room and take my time walking towards my bedroom; I stand at the door with my stele in my hand and I feel frozen. It feels like a life time ago since I used my stele to lock this door so no one would go in here. With a sigh; I press my stele against the hard wood of my door and trace the rune to unlock it. When I step into my room; it looks just the way I left it. The bed is unmade and there is a pillow lying on the floor. My razor and deodorant are in the same spot on the sink in my bathroom and the last towel I used is still draped over the curtain rod on my shower. I take my suit out of the closet and lay it on the unmade bed. I stand there and stare at the bed that I have made love to Clary in so many times that I have lost count; my stomach begins to ache painfully as flashes of the first time, the twentieth time, the hundredth time that our bodies have been so tangled in these rumpled sheets that we were no longer two separate people but one.
I shake my head and turn to my dresser so I can locate my cufflinks that go to my suit; once I find them; I shove them into my pants pocket. Once again I find myself drifting back into another memory of her as I look at the mirror on my dresser. My first thought is the day I smashed that mirror when I trashed my room; the second though I have is of the day I hurt her belly by trying to seduce her as she bent over this very dresser and applied lip gloss to her full lips. The next thing I know; I am frantically digging through all the drawers in my room. I check the closet; then I go into the bathroom and start opening the drawers in there in the same frantic rush…suddenly I stop when my fingers curl around a simple black hair tie that I find in the medicine cabinet…there are a few of her red hairs knotted around the hair tie…I cup the hair tie in my palm and hold it to my nose and inhale deeply…there it is…the faint smell of her shampoo…the kind she used to use before she started to use mine…but it's not just her old shampoo I smell…I smell her…the sweet and intriguing scent of my beautiful green eyed girl.
I shove the hair tie into my pocket and go to the night stand beside the bed to pull out her goodbye letter so that I can read the words that I already have burned into my head. I just want to see her handwriting. I absently twist her engagement ring between my fingers as I read her letter over and over again.
When I get back to my apartment I feel exhausted and after I take a quick shower I flop onto my bed and fall asleep almost immediately. The next morning I wake up with a smile on my face because of the dream I was having. I dreamed that I was in Idris and it was a beautiful day out as I walked towards the center of town. I was standing at the fountain looking into the cool water as people went about their busy day. There were children running and laughing and there were women ducking in and out of the shops. There is a young couple on the other side of the fountain exchanging sweet kisses and gentle words. Her voice is so soft in my ears that it sounds like the wind and I almost don't turn around; I try to convince myself that I am only imagining the sound of her sweet voice in my ears but then I feel electricity spark across my skin as she places her hand on my lower back. I turn around to see the most beautiful girl in the world; yet she looks different somehow; her soft face is more defined somehow and her red hair falls to the very bottom of her back instead of just below her shoulders. Her snug fitting dress shows off her curvy hips and her fuller chest; her creamy skin is radiant as it stretches over the muscles of her legs.
Her full lips curve up into the sweet smile that she only ever gives to me and her small hand feels warm against my cheek. Her touch is always so magnetic; my lips kiss the inside of her palm as she smiles up at me with her emerald green eyes. I woke up after her full lips spoke the words that make me melt in to a puddle of goo every time she says them: I LOVE YOU JACE WAYLAND.
Once I get to the training room at the institute I find Alec setting up the flipping ropes and Izzy is standing near the stereo texting on her phone; her mouth curves up into a grin as she stares at the screen.
"Good morning Alec, good morning Izzy."
Alec mumbles a good morning to me and Izzy quickly makes her way towards me; her dark eyes are sad when she stops hugging me. I hold her face in my hands and gently kiss her forehead.
"I'm okay little sister."
"You'll let me know if there is anything you need?"
"There is something I kind of…well not really need but I still want to know."
"What is it Jace?"
"Did you get things sorted out with Simon?"
"I'm still mad at you for what you did at Elmo's you know."
"I know…what happened when you left?"
"Simon and I talked about a lot of things. Did you know he was in love with me?"
"Yes, I did. How about you? Do you love him?"
"Yes and frankly I hate it…I hate that I love him because there is only so much time I have with him and the thought of letting him go makes me sick."
"Try not to dwell on all the negative things Iz, just love him and let him love you. Just enjoy every day you spend with him no matter what because you never know what day will be your last. I don't want you to wake up one day and regret a single missed moment; life's too short to wait for the things you want the most."
"When did you get so wise Jace Wayland?"
I don't answer her question; instead I pull her in for a hug and after I let her go I walk across the room to begin my stretches. The reason why I didn't answer her question is because I am not wise; yet I am experienced in love and loss. Even if everything happened the exact same way over and over again with Clary and she left me again and again no matter how I could or would do things differently; I would relive it a million times because the time I had with her I will cherish for the rest of my life. I will never regret loving that green eyed girl.
My day in the training room is a quiet one and the silence is heavy in the room. Izzy never came back after we broke for lunch and when it was just Alec and I in the room for the rest of the day I asked him nicely to not talk. I told him I just needed to focus on the training and that I didn't want anything else in my head for the rest of the day. He just nodded in agreement and the two of us didn't speak for the rest of the day.
The next morning I am dressed in a suit that is beginning to feel too familiar to me. This is the suit I wore to my daughter's funeral as well as Sandra's and now I am wearing it to my dead friend's funeral. Why do I keep losing such important females in my life? I decide to walk the nine blocks to the funeral home so that I can keep my head clear as I attempt to enjoy the nice weather. A vibration in my pocket stops me from walking and when I look at the caller ID; I see that it's Simon calling. I push the talk button on my phone and say hello to him.
"Good morning Simon; how are you today?"
"Morning Jace; I'm doing well. How are you? Are you on your way?"
"I'm only a few block away but I have a few minutes to talk. What's up?"
"I just wanted to tell you thank you for everything with Izzy. The night of your birthday the two of us had a really good talk and I don't really know what you said to her yesterday but she is so different now; thank you for that Jace."
"You don't have to thank me Simon; just be happy."
"I really am happy. I love your sister so much Jace and I promise to always be good to her."
"I know you will."
"I wish you could find a way to be happy again."
"Me too Simon…maybe someday…look I kind of need to get off the phone now but maybe I could catch up with you after the funeral if you aren't busy."
"I don't have anything special planned for the day and I would really enjoy seeing you. I'm hoping you will make me feel like shit for missing an amazing concert on your birthday."
"No, nothing like that but I am going to go to LA tomorrow morning to spend some time with Emma before I go to Idris next Saturday for my Ceremony. I just want to see you for a bit before I leave the city for the next week."
"I'll be home all day so just come over when you are ready."
"Talk to you later Simon."
"Bye Jace."
Hailey's funeral was painfully long due to her Catholic background; those Catholics really know how to stretch things out don't they? I have studied so many religions throughout my life and now realize that no matter what title you give yourself at the end of the day it's about believing in something that you will probably never have the pleasure of really seeing or even feeling. It's the faith in that greater being that keeps you believing in the unknown and I find that comforting as I make my way towards Simon's apartment to tell him goodbye. I don't stay long at Simon's but was able to tell him and my sister that I love them and that I am happy that they have each other before I say my goodbyes.
I am still wearing my suit when I get to Magnus apartment to say similar things to him and my brother before I tell them goodbye as well. When I get home I finally take off my suit and after I shower and dress in my normal clothes I take my suit and Clary's goodbye letter up to the roof of my building. I allow a few silent tears to slip off my cheeks as I watch the suit and the letter burn; before the fire goes out I pull out the tiny pair of socks and shoes that I took out of my crumpled car and toss them into the flames before finally tossing in the stuffed frog and watch them all burn into a small pile off ashes. It's after midnight by the time I crawl into my bed and when I wake up the next morning I quickly throw a few things into a duffle bag so I can portal to LA. I only have one more person to visit before I leave this city; I need to see my baby girl. I spend a good hour at Heather's grave site and whisper to the clouds before I kiss her headstone and tell her goodbye. I find myself smiling as walk back towards the institute; I am looking forward to spending the next week with the female version of myself; my dear friend Emma always helps me feel grounded when I feel like I am spinning out of control. I need to see Emma's smiling face and smell the scent of sunshine in her hair when I hug her. I need to spend precious time with her before I can get the strength up to tell her goodbye as well.
By Friday night I have managed to have a relaxing week in LA with Emma and after I tell her goodbye I leave her apartment; she thinks I am on my way to the institute to portal to Idris so I can get a good night's sleep before my ceremony tomorrow. I asked her not to come to the institute with me; I told her she would make me too emotional and that I just wanted to keep my good mood going when I left. I feel a small pang of guilt for lying to her because I am not standing in front of the portal; right now I am sitting in the sand and staring into the ocean as I twist Clary's engagement ring around the tip of my pinky finger.
I raise my face up to the cool night air and look up into the stars. If there is any kind of higher power that will judge me for the sin I am about to commit then I am praying hard that I will be forgiven. I pray that the people I love the most will find a way to understand the pain that I can bear no longer. I pray that maybe wherever I go when I breathe my last breath of air that just maybe I will get to see my baby girl again; even if only just for a short enough moment so that I can kiss her sweet face and smell her soft baby scent. I pray that my maker will somehow find an ounce of mercy on my broken soul. I take the time to strap the chains tightly around my ankles as well as secure the other end to the two cinder blocks. I still have Clary's engagement ring snuggly fit over my pinky finger as I carry the two cinder blocks towards the gentle night waves of the ocean; a sense of calm blankets my body when the water slides over my bare feet.
I close my golden eyes and whisper an unheard goodbye to my green eyed girl. My eyes are still closed as I begin to walk further into the water; I am waist deep into the ocean when a searing pain in my shoulder and neck takes the breath right out of me and I drop the cinder blocks into the water. I clench my fist against the pounding pain in my chest as my breathing starts to come out in loud gasp; hot tears streak down my face as a single name slips from my lips….ALEC
It takes all my strength to drag my weighted legs far enough to the shore so I can remove the chains. Once I am free of the chains; I run faster than I ever thought possible towards the LA institute. When I step into the library of the New York institute I find Izzy crying.
"Where is he? Where is Alec?
"He's at Magnus's. Why Jace? Why would you even think to do something like that?"
Confusion clouds my mind when my sister hugs my waist; my jeans are still wet from the ocean. I pull Izzy away from my chest and look into her sad dark eyes.
"I don't understand what you are saying Izzy. I need to get to Alec; something is wrong…my rune…my parabitai rune…something feels wrong."
Izzy takes my hand as the two of us bolt out of the institute and her long legs keep up with my fast paced sprint towards Magnus's apartment. Magnus looks pissed when he opens the door; I ignore his glare and shove my way into his apartment.
"Where is my brother? ALEC! ALEC WHERE ARE YOU?"
"He's in my bedroom; he's resting now. I blame you for this Jace Wayland."
"Blame me? What are you talking about? What happened to him?"
Your brother; your friend; you parabitai…my beautiful blue eyes shadowhunter got up off the couch a half an hour ago and walked into the kitchen and slit both of his wrists wide open because of you. He fought me for almost fifteen minutes before he would let me heal his wounds. I only just got done cleaning the blood off my kitchen floor. Do you know why he cut his wrists Jace Wayland? Do you know why he fought me for nearly fifteen minutes before he would let me heal him Jace Wayland? Listen closely you selfish little bastard…he felt you…he felt what you were about to do…you were going to take your own life you selfish, stupid boy…he was desperate to save you…he knew he had to be near death before you would feel the chords of your parabitai rune begin to snap and break because of his heavy blood loss. Damn you Jace Wayland for doing that to him…damn you Jace Wayland for making me have to watch that…damn you Jace Wayland for almost taking the love of my life away from me.
THE NEXT MORNING
I feel someone brush my hair off of my face and when I raise my face up off of Magnus's mattress; I see my brother looking at me with the ghost of a smile on his pale face.
"Jace…you're okay…"
"I'm so sorry Alec. Please forgive me."
"Why won't you talk to me? Why would you think what you were going to do was a good idea?"
"Say's the idiot that slit his wrists wide open. You always have to steal my thunder don't you Alec?"
"I can be a little dramatic at times but at least what I did stopped you." Alec chuckles.
"Magnus hates me now."
"No he doesn't; he's just hurt. He doesn't understand why you would want to take your own life either. As strange as it sounds; what you did or were about to do only proves that you and I were meant to be parabitai. If you and I didn't have the connection we have then you would have succeeded in killing yourself Jace."
"I'm just so lost Alec…I don't know what to do."
"You just have to keep trying and take it one day at a time. Before Hailey died; you were doing okay and losing her just made you backslide. Honestly if I thought for a single second that telling you where she is would make things better for you; I would tell you but I think if you saw her right now it would only make things worse for you."
"Do you talk to her on a regular basis?"
"Usually once a week or every other week when she's busy."
"Does she ask about me ever?"
"No…but her and I made an agreement that we wouldn't talk about you or the baby or why she left even."
"I understand why you wouldn't tell me but it doesn't hurt to ask; how is she?"
"She's…good…I think, she sounds more like her old self on the phone when I talk to her. You do realize that I am going to have to tell her about this."
"About you cutting your wrists?"
"Well that too but I meant what you did…or was planning on doing."
"Why? I thought you and her agreed not to talk about me."
"Yeah well we also made an agreement that if something major happened then I would tell her or if it was on her end then she would tell me."
"I guess a suicide attempt would fall under the major category."
"Yes it definitely does and losing Hailey too; that also falls under the major category."
"Maybe you shouldn't tell her about Hailey; she might get the wrong idea."
"She already knew you were spending time with Hailey because I told her you were."
"How does…did she feel about me spending time with another girl?"
"She seemed happy about it but she also told me she was worried for you; she thought maybe it was too soon to move on."
"Alec I didn't move on with Hailey; she was just my friend."
"Maybe someday she would have been more than just your friend."
"No…I did try…but it didn't work."
"What do you mean you tried?"
"With Hailey…I tried to be more than just her friend. After the concert…she took me home and she took care of me when I was drunk…when I sobered up…I started flirting with her and I asked her to go to bed with me."
"Did she turn you down?"
"No, she went to bed with me…we were naked…I kissed her…then I stopped kissing her…then I shut my eyes and kissed her again…for a short moment I thought to myself…I can do this…kissing her, touching her was nothing compared to Clary but I was feeling something at least…I actually managed to…um…enter her I guess…but after a short moment…all I could think about was Clary, all I could see was Clary's dark green eyes in my head…I lost it Alec…I fell to the floor and tried to crawl away from Hailey…to crawl away from what I was doing."
"I'm really sorry that it didn't work out for you Jace…maybe it was too soon…maybe someday in the future you will meet another girl and then maybe you can try again."
"Alec…I told myself that if I could be with Hailey…like really be with her and find a way to be happy then I was going to give up everything I have ever known just to feel some kind of happiness again. I told myself that if I could manage to make love to her one time then I could again and again and I was going to go to Idris and have the clave strip my marks so I could really be with Hailey in her world. Fuck I was so desperate that I didn't even think to use protection with her. To be honest I think in the back of my head I didn't want to use protection with her on purpose…as fucked up as it is; I thought to myself; maybe she'll get pregnant; maybe that would make me love her. I am such a fucking idiot."
"You love being a shadowhunter Jace! You would have never went through with getting your marks stripped. This life is what you know and what you love; I don't see you ever walking away from it. By the way you are one hundred percent right about you being a fucking idiot. You of all people should know that having a baby can't make a fucked up relationship suddenly better. I'm not judging you on this; hell, your fucked up thought process only tells me that you are in the wrong state of mind even more than I already thought you were."
"I love Clary more than anything in this world Alec or anyone for that matter. Don't you get it Alec? Without Clary…there is no me…without Clary…nothing makes sense anymore."
"You feel that way now but with time I think you will feel different Jace."
"No I won't…I will love her until my last breath Alec…if there is somewhere we go off to when we leave this earth and I still have her in my heart then I will love her even when I leave this earth."
"If that's true then why would you think killing yourself would make all that go away?"
"I didn't really have the whole afterlife part figured out when I was planning on drowning myself in the ocean…that part didn't come to me until I was sitting here watching you sleep last night."
"See that is exactly why suicide is a stupid idea. The fact that you were weak minded enough to even think killing yourself would be a good idea…well on one hand I am so disappointed in your lack of mental strength…but the truth is I realize that your head isn't where it should be and with that simple fact…I am not disappointed in you, my heart is broken for you Jace."
"At least you have a heart; I don't…she took it with her when she left me."
"You only think she did but your heart is still beating in your chest…Clary didn't take your heart with her when she left…she left because she was afraid that if she stayed…even just one more day…then she would ruin you completely…I know you think you are such a hard ass all the time but the truth is you are probably the most loving person I know…when you decide you love someone; you love them with an all-consuming fierceness…your love for someone is set in stone and final. Clary lost her ability to love…to feel anything really…she knew by staying here; she was only hurting you more everyday…she knew that each day that passed by she was slowly draining the life out of you."
"I have days where I hate her…"
"I understand that completely…hell you hated me for a while…I think even now you still feel hatred towards me for helping Clary but do you know something Jace? I'm not worried for a single second about your love for me even when you do say you hate me because I know at the end of the day you will always love me."
"Of course I love you Alec; I could never not love you."
"Let me ask you something Jace; the day you told me you hated me and then moved out and refused to speak to me for almost two months; how did you decide you wanted to talk to me again?"
"Because I do love you Alec; because even though it's a bitter pill to swallow; I know what you did for Clary you were ultimately doing for me. I still have days where I feel very bitter towards you for taking her away from me; not to mention what you did to my daughter's room; that still fucking hurts when I think about it."
"Yet you still love me; you take your love for me and you hold on to it right?"
"Yes…that's true; I do hold onto my love for you."
"Why can't you do that with Clary?"
"I don't understand what you mean by that Alec."
"All you ever focus on is her leaving you…have you ever even tried to think of it from a different angle? Instead of dwelling on her leaving you; maybe you should keep it in your head that she is out there somewhere just trying to find herself…Clary is trying to find herself again and she is trying to figure out a way to feel again…if you love her like you say you do then you should want those things for her…even if you could never have her again the love you feel for her should be enough for you to want her to find the things she is looking for. You should love her enough to want her to be happy."
"I do want her to be happy Alec but I want her to be here with me; where we can be happy together."
"You may never get that Jace. Clary might find happiness again one day but you might not be part of what makes her happy and you need to find a way to accept that."
"I know I don't have the right to ask you this and you probably won't tell me but is she seeing anyone?"
"Seeing anyone? Are you asking me if Clary is…like dating someone?"
"Yes."
"No Jace, she's not. I would tell you if she were; that is one of the things Clary and I agreed on. If either you or her found someone else then the other one should know about it; that's why I told her you were spending time with Hailey. She knew you and Hailey were only friend but if there was even a slight chance that your friendship could have been more then that's why I told Clary about her. Clary is nowhere near mentally ready to even have…well friendship really…I mean to be honest with you; I think I am the closest thing to a friend to her…what I can tell you about where she is; is that she keeps herself very busy and she also keeps to herself. I am hopeful that one day she will be better and some days I am more hopeful when she seems to be having a good day; then again some days I speak to her she sounds just as lost as she did the day she left here. It's a lot of up and down with her; just like you have a lot of up and down days."
"Alec…I am so sorry for shutting you out…I wish I would have talked to you sooner about all of this because then maybe I wouldn't have had to go through such hell for the past four months. The things you have told me today have made me see things from a different perspective. I do love Clary enough to let go of the hate; to stop focusing on her leaving me; to find a way to focus on her finding her own happiness and then just being happy for her."
"I understand that right now you feel like you could never find a way to love someone else because you love Clary so much. What you need to understand is that it's okay to love Clary for the rest of your life; you don't have to stop loving her. Jace you have to realize that you will never love someone like you love Clary; so when you do…and I know someday you will…someday you will fall in love again with someone else but you will love her differently than you love Clary. You have a big heart and there will always be room to love someone else. Think about it; you love me; you love our sister; you love Simon; you even have to admit that you love Magnus and let's not forget Emma; the way you love Emma is amazing to me. You and Emma are almost the same person so seeing how you love her tells me how much you love your own self Jace. The capacity that a heart has to love is endless."
"Thank you Alec. Thank you for making me see things differently and I will forever be in debt to you for saving my life."
"You have saved my life countless times Jace."
"This is different though. You saved me from myself and I don't think you will ever know how much that means to me."
"It will get easier Jace; you just have to keep trying every day."
"I promise to keep trying."
"Do you also promise to stop shutting me out?"
"Yes, I promise."
"Good…now go find something productive to do with yourself today; losing all that blood yesterday to save your life has me exhausted and I think I might try to get some more sleep."
I stand up and shove Alec over so I can lie down beside him on the bed.
"Did you forget that I feel what you feel brother? I could use a nap too."
"Fine you can take a nap with me but keep your hands to yourself Jace."
I roll over and snuggle my head onto Alec's chest as I grip his waist tightly and let out a small giggle.
"You know you love cuddling with me Alec."
"Fine we can cuddle but try not to drool on me at least."
"I love you Alec."
"Love you too Jace; now shut up and go to sleep."
When I wake up the sun is shining through the window of Magnus's bedroom and right into my eyes. I untangle myself from Alec and get out of bed with a groan as I stretch my tired muscles; I am still feeling the effects from Alec's blood loss as well as the effort I put into dragging my weighted legs out of the ocean. When I walk out into Magnus's living room the clock on the wall tells me it's a little after two in the afternoon; no wonder my stomach is growling; the last time I ate was yesterday at dinnertime with Emma. I asked Emma to make me her famous fish taco's for my last dinner in LA. After everything that has happened over the last almost twenty-four hours; I find myself shuddering at the thought of what I was thinking when I ate my last meal in LA. As I sat there in Emma's kitchen slowly savoring each bite of food in my mouth; I was making the final plans in my head on how I was going to take my own life later that night.
"Are you hungry? I can make you a sandwich if you want."
I turn around to see Magnus standing in the archway of the kitchen; he has a sad smile on his face as he looks at me.
"Magnus…I'm so sorry for what happened last night. I wasn't in my right mind and I will forever be thankful to Alec for saving my life. I owe you a thank you as well; if you wouldn't have been here when he cut his wrists then he may not be alive right now; so thank you for saving my brother."
"I trust that you have a different outlook on suicide now?"
"Yes…it was stupid…it wouldn't have solved anything; taking my own life would have only made things worse."
"Well at least we won't need to lock you up in padded room to keep you safe from now on."
"No, you don't need to worry about me hurting myself; I don't want that. I had a really nice conversation with my parabitai this morning and I have a different perspective on my future now."
"I'm glad you feel that way Jace. You silly beautiful boy…do you have any idea how loved you are?"
"Yes, I do…I think I was just a little lost for a while but I am fighting hard to find my way out of the dark. The love you all have for me will help me get there."
"I've told you that I have dreams that end up being more than just dream right? They end up being a sort of premonition instead of just dreams."
"Yeah I think I remember you telling me about a few of your dreams coming true. Why?"
"I had a dream about a week after Clary left."
"What kind of dream?"
"I dreamed that you were happy and laughing and loving life again. I know deep down in my heart that it wasn't just a simple dream Jace; it was a premonition of your future. You just have to be patient and keep trying every day; you'll get there."
"I think you might be right about your dream not just being a dream Magnus; I have faith that I will find happiness again one day. I just have to take things one day at a time; eventually one day will turn to two and so on and then one day I think I'll wake up one morning and there it will be; happiness."
"Ack…enough of this heavy stuff. How about that sandwich Jace?"
"That would be nice of you Magnus."
"Come along then and I will make you one. I just made coffee if you are interested."
"Yeah…coffee sounds great; thank you."
"Don't thank me; you can get your own damn cup of coffee golden boy. I'm already making you a sandwich; so what more do you want from me?"
"I should have known your sweetness would only last so long Magnus."
I can't help but let out a small chuckle as I watch Magnus laugh hard enough that he ends up dropping the bag of lunchmeat on the floor twice before he can manage to get it on the counter. Magnus ends up making himself a sandwich as well and we both sit and eat in comfortable silence; before the question in my head begins to consume me.
"Can I ask you something Magnus?"
"Sure kid, go ahead."
"I'm an adult now you know."
"Yes and no. You have not completed your ceremony yet so under the eyes of the clave you are not an official adult."
"Since when do you care about the clave and all their official rules?"
"I don't but even after you go through your ceremony; you will still be a kid to me. Remember I am almost eight hundred years old so I am a great judge of character."
"Yet you are madly in love with my brother and he isn't that much older than me you know."
"Oh but he is Jace. Alec has an old soul if you believe in things like that. Number wise yes Alec is indeed young but his mind and his eyes are so much older than his numeric age. You on the other hand are as fresh and young as a new born kitten."
"A kitten? Really Magnus? Can't I be a tiger or a cheetah or some other kind of blood thirsty feline? I think I am way more intimidating than a tiny little kitten."
"You can be a black panther for all I care but I think you understand what I mean."
"Yeah…I guess I do. I still have a lot of growing up to do don't I?"
"Not growing up really; more like living. You still have a lot of living to do before you will be worldly."
"I need to get started on the whole living thing as soon as possible. The last four months I have just been existing and not really living. That's not even true; over half of my life I spent just existing; I only really felt alive when I was with Clary and I need to find a way to live without her. I am ready to start living again Magnus."
"That's good to hear Jace but just so you know you still have a lot of hard days ahead of you; just keep trying."
"I will."
"So did I answer your question or was there something else you wanted to know?"
"I guess my question would be; did you see what it was that made me happy again?"
"Not what; who."
"What do you mean?"
"Someone will enter your life and they will be the reason why you will find happiness again."
"Do you know who it is?"
"I do actually but I'll never tell you; you will just have to wait and see my dear boy."
"Well that was anti-climactic wasn't it?"
"Don't kill the messenger Jace."
"I'm not but I just don't see why you won't tell me. You have my future happiness right in the palm of your hand; yet you refuse to give it to me."
"That's where you are wrong sweetie. I might have had a vivid dream about your future but at the end of the day what happens to you is all up to you. If you decide to turn around and run back into the darkness then that might change your future but if you continue to keep crawling out of the seemingly endless dark tunnel then your happiness will come to you someday."
"Maybe if you gave me a hint then I might get out of that tunnel faster."
"Not going to happen. Those golden eyes of yours might work on some people but they won't work on me."
"Look into my eyes Magnus; look deep."
"You are such a little smart ass."
"You love me though."
"Indeed I do Jace; indeed I do. Your blue eyed parabitai is the reason why I love you. If it weren't for him I wouldn't have anything to do with you or your creepy gold eyes."
"Ouch! Creepy? Really Magnus?"
"Yes really."
"Most people find my eyes fascinating you know."
"Well good for them; I'm not one of them. I prefer dark eye; especially the blue ones."
Magnus winks at me and I just laugh at him. We are both still chuckling when Alec comes shuffling into the kitchen; his dark hair is wild and his useless attempt to smooth it down with his fingers makes me laugh at him. Magnus sees me pointing to the back of Alec's head as he pours himself a cup of coffee and he ends up covering his mouth to hide his amusement. Alec still has his back to the two of us when he starts to talk.
"You two are laughing at my hair aren't you?"
"No not at all darling; Jace and I were just laughing about something else. Did you have a nice nap?"
Alec turns around and after he takes a small sip of his coffee a wide grin spreads across his face. He shuffles across the kitchen and plants a kiss on Magnus's cheek before saying.
"You are a terrible liar Magnus. You would think in your eight hundred years you would learn to be better at deceiving people but I see right through your crappy lies every time."
"Trust me darling I am a master at deceiving people but you are my kryptonite."
"Oh…gag! I am getting the hell out of here before you two start making out on the table."
I rise out of my chair and begin to make my way towards the door to leave but Alec's tight grip on my arm stops me from leaving.
"Where are you going Jace?"
"Home."
"To your apartment?"
"That apartment isn't my home Alec. I am going to the institute where I belong."
Alec doesn't say anything he just hugs me tightly for a moment before nodding his approval. I give his messy hair a quick ruffle of my fingers and then I leave Magnus's apartment. I enjoy the slow walk back towards the institute and somehow the sun that is warming my skin feels different. The warm of the sun is finding its way deeper than just the surface of my skin and I feel my chest swell with an overwhelming sense of calm. I know now that I will find my happiness again someday; I just have to be patient and it will come to me.
I spend the rest of the afternoon sending and receiving fire message from the clave to convince them that my reason for not showing up for my ceremony just couldn't be avoided and after some angry exchanges of words between me and the council; they agreed to make an exception and let me complete my ceremony first thing on Monday morning. I called Alec to let him know I was going to portal to Idris tomorrow evening so I would be able to get to my ceremony on time. He said he would be ready to go along with me but that he was going to stay at Magnus's for the night. Magnus and Izzy are coming to Idris as well and the four of us are going to stay there for a week to enjoy a short holiday; after everything we have all been through we deserve a little time to just relax. I feel like someone else needs to be there in Idris to make this trip feel more complete and I dig my phone out of my pocket and dial the number.
"I'll let it slide this time Jace but next time you tell me you are going to call me as soon as you get home and forget to do it I will make a special trip just to punch you in the balls."
"Damn it Emma! You are just too good to me you know. My balls thank you for your mercy."
"How are you doing today Jace?"
"Could be better, could be worse. How about you Em? How are you?"
"I'm great! I caught some killer waves today."
"What do you have planned for the next week?"
"Nothing that can't be changed. Why are you coming back to visit? Wait a minute! How are you talking to me on the phone right now? I thought you took the portal to Idris last night. I expected a fire message from you."
"I was on my way to the portal when something came up. I am at home right now and I will be going to Idris tomorrow evening; I'm completing my ceremony first thing Monday morning."
"Is everything at home okay?"
"Yeah things are fine. Look Em, I would really like for you to be at my ceremony and stay in Idris with the four of us for the following week if it's not too much to ask."
"I'll start packing as soon as I get off the phone. I was hoping you wanted me to attend your ceremony but I didn't want to push you or anything. It really means a lot to me that you want me there and I could use a week in home country."
"Thank you so much Emma. I want to spend a week in Idris just relaxing and enjoying all my loved ones. I wish the inquisitor wasn't such as stiff old bastard and let Simon come along as well but I will just have to catch up with him when I get back home."
"We can always smuggle him in."
"You go right ahead and smuggle a vampire into Idris and I promise to come visit you in jail Emma."
"Will you bring me food too?"
"Very funny Emma Carstairs; now hang up the phone and start packing."
"See you tomorrow Jace."
"Love you."
"I love you too Jace."
After everyone got to Idris I asked Magnus and my siblings for some privacy so that I could speak to Emma about why I never made it to Idris on Friday night. The conversation didn't go so well; she was pissed off at first; then she cried; then she got pissed off again; only to cry all over again. She punched me twice. She said the first punch was for how stupid I was to think killing myself would solve anything and she said the second punch was for making her cry. By the end of the night she wasn't mad at me anymore and her and I caught up with the rest of our group for a bonfire down by the lake. We all had a blast; good music; good fun with loved ones; and plenty of cold beer for everyone. I failed at my attempt to get a good night's sleep before my ceremony considering it was after three when I finally found my way to my bed at Mayrse and Robert Lightwoods (they are my adoptive parents as well as Alec and Izzy's birth parents) house.
When my alarm goes off at six in the morning; I roll out of bed still feeling drunk. After a long cold shower and a half a pot of strong coffee I feel much better. At eight in the morning I am clean shaved and wearing my ceremony clothes as I stand before the council. The ceremony is long and boring and I find it hard to concentrate on all the drivel that is coming out of the clave member's mouths. I do my best to keep my eyes away from Emma, Magnus and my siblings because every time I glance at one of them; they end up making a stupid face that makes me feel the urge to laugh; laughing will not be tolerated from the council.
I am supposed to be taking this ceremony serious; after all it is an honor to be deemed as an official shadowhunter. I am honored to be a demon slayer and the protector of the innocent mundanes of this earth but I have been a shadowhunter and a protector for over half of my life already; this stupid ceremony just makes it all official. Being deemed as an official shadowhunter only means that I will need to be more careful with what I do from here on out. The clave allows for leniency towards adolescent shadowhunters because they feel we need to make mistakes to learn and grow but they won't bend and inch for an adult shadowhunter because they feel all our lessons and growing should be completed by the time we attend our ceremony.
After my ceremony is complete there is a round of applause from the group that has attended today and I can hear my siblings as well as Emma and Magnus cheering and whistling at me. I end up letting out a small laugh when I hear Emma shout that I have a nice butt; my laughter stops cold when a single voice cuts through all the other noise in the accords hall. My eyes frantically scan the crowd of people in front of me and I turn around to see if maybe she is hiding in one of the alcoves but there is no sign of her bright red hair anywhere. My heartrate goes back to normal as I realize that I was only imagining hearing Clary shout my name; but to my own surprise I don't feel disappointment or sadness; I find myself smiling instead. I smile because I hope where ever that green eyed girl is she is working hard at finding her own happiness because I know I am trying my hardest to find mine.
I am setting at the guest of honor seat in the dining room of the accords hall and I couldn't feel like a bigger idiot as the room full of people stare at me with expectant eyes; they are all waiting for me to stand up and give some great speech. I guess I'll just have to wing it. I clear my throat as I rise from my chair and take a moment to look at all the people in the room before words start to spill out of my mouth.
"Um…Well first of all I just want to say thank you to all of you for attending my ceremony today. I want to thank the council for welcoming me into the clave and providing this lovely meal. Most of all I want to thank my family for always being there for me even when I didn't deserve to have you there. Blood doesn't make you family; the word family to me is more of a feeling than just a simple word. As I look down at the people setting at this table in front of me not a single one of them share any genetics with me but these people are my family and I love them dearly; I will forever be thankful to have such amazing people in my life…Oh and I promise to be the best shadowhunter that I can be and I promise to slay many, many demons and I promise to always keep the mundanes of this world safe from harm. Okay let's eat and drink beer!"
I set back down in my seat as the crowd laughs at the silly ending to my speech and end up jumping back up to add something else to make them laugh.
"Wait! One more quick thing and then we can stuff ourselves like pigs and get drunk off all the free booze. This part of my speech really only goes out to all the single ladies in the room. I am a sexy single shadowhunter myself and if any of you gorgeous ladies find me to be intriguing well I won't be too hard to find. I'll warn you though; tickets to this ride are selling fast so don't be shy girls; make your move."
Now the room is roaring with laugher as I take my seat once more. My laughter tapers off and the smile slips from my face as I look at my family in front of me. Tears fill my eyes when I see the look of hope in all of their eyes for me. I blink my eyes rapidly and chug half a beer just to settle my emotions down. Everyone at the dinner seems to be having a good time and as we are eating our dessert I set my fork down on my plate at tap Magnus on the shoulder to get his attention. He smiles softly at me when he turns to look at me.
"Did you want to talk to me or were you trying to get Alec's attention?"
"I wanted to ask you a question Magnus."
"So ask me then."
"What about Clary?"
"What about her?"
"Did you have a dream that wasn't a dream about her too?"
"I did actually."
"Please tell me it was a good one Magnus. Please tell me that she will find happiness one day too."
"It was a good one Jace. Biscuit will find her own happiness in the future."
"Does someone come into her life and bring her the happiness she deserves or does she find it on her own?"
"She finds most of her happiness on her own but there is a special person that will make her truly happy."
There is a lump in my throat because of Magnus's words yet I manage to keep myself from crying and smile instead. My threat of tears isn't from sadness; they are from hope. I truly want Clary to find a way to be happy where ever she is; even if it's never going to be where ever I am.
"Thank you Magnus."
"You're welcome Jace…remember silly boy; keep trying."
"I will most definitely keep trying."
The celebratory lunch is over and the crowd of people have thinned out only leaving the younger crowd to enjoy an evening of drinking and dancing. I lost count of all the girls I danced with throughout the night; and I couldn't tell you even one of their names but it was fun dancing anyhow. My last dance of the evening goes to my sister and after the music stops I feel like I could sleep for three days from all the food and alcohol in my system.
Magnus, Emma, my siblings and myself spend the rest of the week in Idris having a great time and by the time Emma portals to LA and the rest of us portal to New York I feel completely relaxed from our visit to the home country.
I spend the next week moving my things out of my apartment and catching up with Simon. After I get my bedroom at the institute cleaned and back in order I decide to go through some of my old clothes to see if there is anything I can donate. Considering I left half of this stuff here when I moved out for four months I probably could do with a little downsizing to my wardrobe. I manage to fill two boxes with a mixture of pants, shirts and a few jackets. Just as I am about to pick up the boxes to take them to the homeless shelter the green jacket on the top of the pile makes me stop. I lift the jacket and dig my hands into the pocket; when my fingers wrap around the small card; a smile comes to my face. I look at the card for a moment and shove it into the drawer of my nightstand before taking the boxes to donate them to the shelter. I will call Alva tomorrow and set up an appointment with her. As much as I can talk to Alec about everything I decided that talking to a grief counselor will only ensure my future happiness further.