Heavy emotions in this one. I don't know if you will experience it like that, but for me they are real people. They live in my head. If they feel pain, I feel pain. I will get to the tattoos again in a while, but Tony and Ziva had a mind of their own. They need to go through this. Sorry.
Disclaimer: If I owned them, the would be waaaaayyyyy more Tiva on the show.
Ziva watched Tony's face out of the corner of her eye as he took in the information she had just volunteered. She held her breath for his reaction.
Tony's mind reeled. Poor Ziva. His darling Ziva has suffered so much. He couldn't imagine losing a sister so young and so tragically. And now she lost Ari too. Wait… Her brother? What was she talking about? Realisation suddenly dawned on him and he felt his heart breaking for her all over again. He now understood why his words about Ari had hurt her so much. She really did love him; he was her brother! He felt so stupid for assuming they were together, but on the other hand he was relieved.
She heard him gasp and look up at her when he had finished processing what she had just told him. She saw the pain in his eyes, but she also saw…hope? What was he hopeful for? His look was so intense that she felt herself shiver involuntarily.
Tony, thinking she was cold, moved closer and gently wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to his chest. He expected her to pull away, or even try to kill him for being so forward, but instead she just stiffened in his arms and a moment later relaxed.
When he reached out to her, Ziva's first thought was to run, but something inside her made her stay rooted to the spot. Feeling his arms around her felt so right, even though her mind was screaming at her to leave, or kill him. She stiffened on instinct, but felt herself relaxing as she was pulled into his broad chest; his wet shirt doing nothing to hide muscles underneath. Oh, how she wanted to stay like this forever. She did not understand the conflicting feelings warring inside of her, but she decided to follow what felt good and right and leaning against him was what felt good and right. Making a split-second decision, she threw her legs over his and rested her head on his shoulder. Her right hand fell over his heart and she gave a sigh of contentment. She knew it was wrong – Mossad trained you to never show emotion, but right now she did not give a damn about Mossad's rules. Right now the only thing she wanted was comfort – she had just killed her brother for crying out loud! – and she was getting comfort from Tony.
Tony was so surprised when she all but snuggled into him that he almost fell off the bench. Almost. Being so close to your soulmate for the first time does something to you. It makes your insides tingle and your heart summersault. He could smell her vanilla shampoo, even though the rain had drenched her hair, making it fall like a dark curtain across her back. Her hand that was pressed over his heart burned like fire and for the first time in his life, Tony experienced the feeling of just wanting to hold a woman. Never before had he been with a woman to just purely be with her. And that scared him. But it also made him feel whole, having her in his arms. It was how it was supposed to be, even though she didn't know it yet.
"Oh, Ziva…" he let out with a sigh. Realising he had just called her by her given name for the first time – and without permission – he readied himself for some sort of pain to come his way from the ninja assassin sitting in his lap.
But it never came.
Ziva felt herself smiling when she heard her name falling from his perfect lips, and only pressed her face deeper into his shoulder, taking comfort from the warmth of his body.
When he felt her pressing herself closer ho him, he tightened his arms around her, wanting to make her stay right where she was for the rest of eternity.
"Thank you, Tony." Saying his name was so easy, it felt so natural. She did not linger on the thought that asked her why. She did not have the energy to debate with herself about that now.
Hearing his name drifting through the rain in her beautiful voice, made him want to kiss her right in that very moment, but he held back. He knew now was not the time. She had just lost her brother.
They sat in silence for another few minutes, the pitter-patter of the rain and the thunder overhead being the only sounds around them.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the Medical Examiner's van driving past the entrance of the park, presumably taking Ari's body to Autopsy. He knew Ziva saw it too, for he felt her stiffen in his arms, pressing her face deeper into his chest and suppressing a sob.
"Shh… It's okay. I've got you," he tried to soothe her, rubbing circles on her back with his right hand. He intended it to be comforting, but apparently it broke a dam inside her, for she started sobbing in earnest and he felt her tears falling on his already wet shirt.
She curled herself into him more, if that was even possible, and fisted his shirt into her hand. He almost jumped when almost pulled out half of his chest hair, but managed to hold back his yelp. He heard her muttering something in Hebrew, over and over again, but he couldn't figure out what it was she was saying. Her words seemed to cause her tremendous pain, as she cried harder and her voice raised with each sob that exited her trembling body. He couldn't bear for her to be so upset. He had to do something to try and calm her down.
"Ziva, it's okay. It's going to be okay. Shh, everything will be fine. I'm here," he tried to soothe her again, but he didn't seem to be getting through to her. Desperate, he lifted his left hand from where it had been wrapped around her slim waist and lifted her chin in order to look into her eyes, thinking it would help him get his message across.
What he saw in her eyes when she finally met his gaze, shocked him to the core.
Pain. Fear. More pain. Self-hatred.
He didn't understand. How could such a beautiful creature hate herself?
Inside Ziva's head, her thoughts were running crazy. He killed her brother. She felt safe in Tony's arms. He reprimanded herself. He is an American. She cannot have feelings for him. Ari is dead. At her hands. Tony's voice is so soothing. She saw his corpse laying on that concrete floor. Tony's arms felt so good around her. That pool of blood. She did not want to move. The van driving by with his body. Her head fit so well on his shoulder. The gunshot. Circles being traced on her back with his strong hands. Ari's head snapping back. The bullet hole above his eyes. The perfect kill shot. She killed her brother. She killed her brother. She killed her brother.
She killed her brother.
Feeling him lift her chin, she had no choice but to look him in the eyes. Those gorgeous green eyes she just wanted to get lost in. She saw the shock on his face when he read her emotions like nobody ever has before. He was confused with what she was feeling. The pain and fear she knew he would understand. But not she self-hatred. She knew she had to tell him. He deserved to know and if he was not too disgusted with her afterwards, she would need him to help her through this.
"I killed my brother."