Yet another one-shot from Episode 2, "Monarch Douglas Bank". This isn't very long, compared to other chapters! Although we got a beautiful scene between Liz and Ressler at the end of their day, we were still left with him sitting there looking at the pills in turmoil. I couldn't help but think what was going through his mind…

Ressler sat at his desk, the office softly illuminated by his desk lamp as he finished signing reports from the day's case. Outside their office, the war room was silent. The monitors were off, and most people had left for the day. Aram was working late at his desk, and he knew Liz was still around somewhere. After the day they'd had, the office felt like a safe port in a storm.

Things had been off between him and Liz most of the day. Yeah, almost getting her killed will do that… Not exactly tense, they just hadn't been on the same page as much as they should have been. He had felt her watching him. Felt her mistrust of him… Felt her waiting for him to… wig out…

Head bowed, he hadn't realized she was there at first, then looked up and gave her a small smile as she stood in the doorway.

She entered their office and sat near him on the edge of his desk, but he kept signing his reports. While truth was his best defense with her, silence was where he was most comfortable. The inner demons that had whirled in his brain just that morning were silent for the moment. He knew why, of course. He'd had his fix…his brain was calm in between doses of Oxy.

When she apologized he was surprised. "I'm sorry." She said softly, watching him as he worked in the light of his desk lamp.

YOU have nothing to apologize for.

"For what?"

"In the taxi in Warsaw, I came at you pretty hot." She said, and he was right there again in the back seat leaning over Kaja, his hands covered in her blood.

"Fog of battle" he told her, and looked back down at his reports.

She continued, praising him for taking care of Kaja. His body might have been slow to react when the mirror was shot out, but once he saw Kaja had been hurt, his brain felt sharp as a tack. Which, in hindsight, really made no sense.

Kaja was shot just like Audrey was. I should have…lost it at that… seeing blood on a woman's stomach again, yet I didn't. Score one for the Oxy…the dream team.

He focused again on what Liz was saying. She didn't need to be doing this. He didn't need it. So if she was doing it to make him 'feel better', she was failing in that department.

Completely.

You did good." She finished, and in that moment the pit of his stomach dropped to the floor, because he hadn't done good.

Not even close.

And in that second, looking down at his desk, his eyes darting, his brain alight, he had started to share the fact that she was right. That he had put her life in danger because she was right; his reaction time HAD been crap.

"You're right…" he said, looking up at her sitting on his desk. She deserved more from her partner than he had given today. In that instant, he tried to tell Liz that he had been… impaired…

I almost got you killed. I was too slow!

But then the well oiled machine fired up. The practiced routine he had developed so well over the years kicked in - of burying things inside him while keeping up appearances on the outside.

The brick wall went up so fast it took even him by surprise.

He had prided himself on taking several bricks – a lot of bricks - off his wall around Liz. Of letting her see more of him than he ever would have imagined on the day they first met. Over the course of the year, he had opened up to her and let her in. He had only ever dropped more bricks around one other person.

And she had died in his arms.

Yet in that split second he had swiftly changed tack. Leaning back, away from Liz – away from her trust in him – away from the painful truth - he told her what she wanted to hear.

"I was amazing." He grinned, while inwardly screaming at himself that he was FAR from amazing.

Her face had lit up at that, as she smiled and rolled her eyes, which almost …almost… made the lie worth it.

No, it didn't! Don't you dare justify it! Your crap reaction time almost got her killed!

And in that instant, while he was silently berating himself, she had stood up to leave. Looking down, he didn't see her hand reach out. But suddenly her hand was on his right shoulder, gripping him. It was there for but a moment, placed on his shoulder in apology and friendship. That's what was on the surface. If anyone had looked at them, that's all they would have seen.

But below it, there was much more meaning in that simple touch.

- I'm sorry.

- You know I've still got your back, right?

- I know something is up, and when you're ready to talk, I will be here for you.

- I'm worried about you.

All of that, and so more was silently transmitted to him in one simple touch.

And when she had done it, the overwhelming urge to suddenly reach for her hand had shot through him. To quickly grab her hand and hold her there with him to tell her... The truth.

That he had lied.

I was not amazing.

I'm… a drug addict.

I'm in trouble Liz.

The thought lasted a split second. He did not act on the compulsion. He sat completely still as she placed her hand on him, and still hadn't moved by the time she left their office. Frozen to the spot, with his brain on fire.

As he leaned back in his chair, he stole a furtive glance over his shoulder to ensure she had left, dropped his pen on the desk, momentarily closed his eyes and exhaled deeply.

I was not amazing, Liz.

His body moved now though. As soon as he was alone again, his hand reached for the drawer. Reached for the pills. He couldn't help it. He needed to hold them. To look at them. Because he needed them - hated them - loved them.

Because he was terrified of them - but more terrified of being without them.

Holding the pill bottle, he was unable to fathom what had happened to him.

How can they have such a hold on me?!

He was stronger than this - had always been ridiculously capable and physically able to withstand a ton. Yet these tiny pills, smaller than his little fingernail had taken over his entire life.

They had hijacked his body. They had almost cost him his partner today. They could in all likelihood cost him his job.

Inhaling sharply, he blinked back sudden tears of sheer frustration and helplessness.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know where to turn.

Audrey…

Liz…