A/N- Hey guys! I'm trying to update my stories more frequently. I might be writing too many at once, but I'm trying. Hope you like this chapter, sorry about the way I keep ending chapters! Please let me know what you think!
I lose myself for a moment, completely caught off guard. What is happening? Who am I? Where am I? How did this start?
I find myself closing my eyes, kissing him back, allowing myself to melt into his arms, allowing myself to enjoy this moment. I don't want to think about it, I don't want to think about what this means, or what the consequences could be. I just want this, and I can't think about it. Not yet.
I tentatively reach up and touch his face, and he wraps his arm around my waist. I can feel his muscles tense against my side. Oh my god. This can't be real. I'm dreaming. I must be.
But I know I'm not, and it still does't make sense. My head is rushing and I'm getting out of breath. This is amazing, and it's overwhelming, and it's scary, and suddenly, I don't think I can take it anymore.
"Wait," I say, and my voice sounds so much weaker than I thought it would. It sounds small.
Kenny immediately pulls away, practically jumping away from me. "Oh-" he says, looking confused. "You're not-"
"I don't-" I start, and I want to say I don't know or I need to think or Just give me a minute. Or your eyes are so beautiful and your hair is so soft and I just want to look at you for a moment. But I am at a loss for words, which I guess makes sense.
"I'm sorry, I thought-" he starts, and then he runs his fingers through his hair and lets out a little panicked laugh. "I'm so sorry- I just…"
"It's-" I start again, but I seem to be too out of breath right now to form complete sentences. I'm trying to say it's not that.
Kenny squeezes his eyes shut and I'm a little sad I can't see them anymore. "Please, just let me die of embarrassment for a moment," he says with a laugh, and he sounds okay.
"I'm sorry," I say, though I don't really know what for. There's clearly a gap in communication here, but I don't know how to bridge it. I barely know how I feel right now, except that my cheeks feel hot and my lungs feel too small. I can still feel the echoes of his lips on mine.
"Just- don't say anything, alright?" he replies, still laughing a bit. "I need a minute to wallow."
I don't really get what he means, but I don't respond. I'm still flustered and confused and I need to collect my thoughts.
Okay. Here is what I know. He's all I can think about. I'm happy when I'm with him. I'm angry when he ignores me. He makes me feel warm. I kissed him when I was drunk. He kissed me just now. I liked it both times.
Clearly, the conclusion seems obvious right now. But I don't feel like acknowledging it at the moment, when I still can't breathe right.
He sighs and then smiles at me without teeth. "We could just forget this ever happened, okay?" He looks a little sad, maybe disappointed.
I don't know what to say. Should I just forget about this? "It's okay," I say.
He grins. "I'm not usually this off," he says. "I think I usually read people pretty well. You're an exception, I guess."
But you were right about me. "It happens," I say, smiling back.
"So, um," he says with an awkward chuckle. He rubs the back of his neck and I think about his hands pressed against me. "Do you think we should head back to school?"
"Might not be a bad idea," I reply. "We could conceivably make it to last period."
He raises an eyebrow at me and smiles. I think his cheeks redden a little. "Like I'm going to class after this experience."
"Well, I am," I say. "I've missed way too much class."
"Alright," he laughs. He gestured to the door and starts walking towards it without touching me. I guess this isn't weird, but it just seems like most of the time, heading to his car, he touches my shoulder or grabs my hand or puts his arm around me. Now it seems like he's making an effort to keep his hands off me. Which makes sense, I guess, after what just happened.
I still don't know what to make of any of this. Of my feelings, my desire to kiss him, his jumping to conclusions, my accepting his assumptions. This is all my fault, whatever happens. I could've told him a thousand times that I thought I had feelings for him but I just needed time. And now I'm just letting him believe that he was way off base, that he was wrong. I'm not sure why I'm doing this.
We get in the car in silence. I didn't feel any awkwardness before, but now there is a heavy silence between us. I feel like I could cut the tension with a knife. He's silent, I'm silent. I'm even trying to make my breathing even and slow so that it doesn't draw attention to me.
I wonder what he's thinking. I can never picture what goes on in his mind. I'd like to.
He's driving reasonably, I guess. Still too fast for my taste, but not so fast I'm sure I'm going to die. He's slowing down a little at turns. It's surprisingly moderate, considering our usual respective driving styles. He's driving like a normal teenage boy rather than a neurotic scared-to-death-of-cars teenage boy or a reckless let-me-risk-my-life-as-often-as-possible teenage boy. It feels off.
The next seven seconds happen in slow motion and fast forwarded. I can't explain what is happening.
We start to go around a turn, and everything is fine for the first second. Then there is a truck. It's in our lane. I can't hear anything. I think I scream. The car collides with something, and I don't know what. Maybe the truck. Maybe Kenny swerves off the road and hits a tree. I don't know.
Everything goes blank.