You didn't really think I'd just leave Ressler sitting in the back of the ambulance with Liz, did you? Of course not! So it's unknown at this point if the show will have him back to 'normal' next week (Ivan anyone…?), or still feeling the after effects of this. So regardless of what the show will do next with our beautiful suffering agent, I still wanted to follow up with the two of them after he broke down in the ambulance. And I do want to say (after my rant at the beginning of the last chapter!) that while I was frustrated at the gaps in what we got, I do thank the writers for pushing Ressler and Liz together there, just like he needed. In Mako Tanida he brushed Liz off (let's face it, the man was an island) but by this episode, he let her in. And THAT most definitely warmed my Keenler heart!

Ressler was feeling very much like he had been slammed into by a truck - that had then come back around for a second hit, just for good measure. But his physical pain almost paled in comparison to what was going through his mind. It had all come crashing down around his ears. Having juggled the pills and work for so long, he almost felt he could get away with it forever. He'd hated it, loathed himself for it, but as time had gone on, he had got very good at it. And he had almost got away with it.

Until he could no longer refill his prescription.

And had been reduced to a strung out junkie breaking his own bones to get his next fix.

And looking down at his splinted thumb, he realized it represented him on a smaller scale - broken and bruised, and in need of support to heal.

And seemingly from nowhere that support was here in the shape of Liz, whose arm was on his shoulder. He leaned into her, the dam having broken as he cried tears of sheer hopelessness.

…how the hell did it come to this…?

All those weeks and months of hiding this were over though. And in some small way, that was actually a relief. He couldn't bring himself to look Liz in the eye, but turned his head toward her as he started to control his tears, his voice hitching as he shook.

"…get me out…of here…"

Feeling him quivering under her, she leaned into him. "Come on." And standing, she helped him up, then looped her arm in his as they walked away from the ambulance, leaving the red and blue flashing lights behind them. She'd been aware of Samar glancing over at them while sitting in the ambulance but she didn't go and speak to the Mossad agent. Some things were between …friends… and extended family. And she hadn't been around long enough yet to be a part of this, nor would Ressler want her too close, she knew that. She looked up at her partner as she walked beside him, seeing the lost look in his reddened eyes. She'd seen that look before, sadly. On the day he'd lost Audrey and lost everything in the snow.

And as she looked at him her heart found itself in a familiar place – aching for him.

He didn't really care where they went. Just so long as he was out of sight and somewhere quiet. But as he walked slowly and unsteadily he realized he was heading toward the black jeep that he'd arrived in earlier that day. It seemed a lifetime ago. As he approached it on legs that had almost forgotten how to walk, his stomach lurched again. He leaned forward, hands on his knees and retched and coughed, feeling her rubbing his back until he was able to stand up again.

I don't deserve your kindness Liz…I don't…but I… I'll take it…

They reached the jeep and as he stood looking at the passenger door, his thumb throbbed horribly at the memory of just what he'd done to himself in that door. But it was a pain he'd 'earned', and he didn't complain. Liz opened the passenger door for him, picking up his trailing blanket as he sat down heavily inside. Quickly going around to the drivers' side, she climbed in beside him.

"Can I get you anything? Water? Anything…?" She asked him, touching his arm. He shook his head slowly in reply.

"No." Hell no. He couldn't bear the thought of anything on his stomach right now.

Laying his head back on the head rest, he closed his eyes, and she looked more closely at him. Even in the semi darkness, she could see how grey he looked. How sick he looked… A far cry from this morning where she'd told him he was 'edgy'. Now she realized why he had been edgy. He'd apparently been without his pain pills for most of the day, and it had led him to…this…

There would be time later to discuss what had happened. For now she was thinking of their next steps. Cooper…and what would happen to Ressler when…or if… this was discovered. But did their boss need to know…? Could Ressler get 'well' before he needed to see Cooper? Her mind was reeling with all the different scenarios.

Ressler's stomach cramped again and he gripped it now, gasping. He felt her hand on his arm again, and looked across at her. I screwed up… I'm a junkie…and I'm sorry… And he couldn't stop shaking, and gathered his blanket around him more.

"Let me see if I can really get us out of here…" and she dialed a number on her phone. Ressler didn't even have to ask who she was calling. Mr Fix it…Reddington. His head was aching, and he closed his eyes again, leaning back and sighing heavily.

"Dembe, where are you guys?" she said, as the call was answered. "Really? You are?" She looked across at her partner, her hand still on his arm, feeling his shakes increasing. "Can you get us back to DC? Ressler…and I… Ressler and I need to get back…" She didn't elaborate and listened to Dembe as he spoke to Red. "Okay, give us 30 minutes or so and we'll be there." She looked at Ressler worriedly as she hung up her phone.

"They're landing in Sitka right now." She was greeted with a slight nod from her partner. "Let me go see Samar. Wait here."

I'm not going anywhere Liz…

As she left the vehicle, he opened his eyes and watched her walking away as she headed toward Samar, who he hadn't even noticed was here. Apparently there were a lot of things he hadn't noticed of late. He felt like crap, and closed his eyes again, shutting out the world around him. The jeep wasn't exactly a hole in the ground that he'd crawled into, but it would do.

Liz was back in a few minutes. "Well, I let her know Red was coming and that she could head out with us if she wanted, but she chose to stay and…help process the scene. She'll head back with some of the other agents later."

Ressler heard the hesitation and nodded at that. You mean she doesn't want to be around a junkie of an FBI agent…then she can deny all knowledge later… He decided not to pursue that line of thought.

Liz started the engine and turned and headed up the heavily leafed driveway of the cabin, before driving out onto the road toward the airstrip. Beside her Ressler turned his head away from her, closed his eyes and clung to his blanket, trying not to throw up with the motion of the vehicle.

###

They arrived at the small airfield 20 minutes later, and immediately saw Red's pristine Learjet contrasting starkly to the small single and double engine planes dotting the field. Not for the first time, Ressler wondered at Red's net worth and all of these 'toys' of his.

And there he is… Red was making his way down the steps of the plane, as Liz parked near the jet. Ressler suddenly didn't want to face the man.

That's going to be a little difficult while sitting on his damn plane.

"Ready?" Liz asked him, and he looked at her, his eyes two pools of dejection. She was well aware he was nervous about being seen like this.

He momentarily closed his eyes in reply, then climbed out of the jeep, clutching his blanket around him. My security blanket… He sighed heavily again and with his head down, he followed closely behind Liz to the steps of the plane.

"Donald…" Red stopped him as he approached the plane, placing his hand on his shoulder. Ressler couldn't even look at him, and didn't raise his head. "Glad to see you're still in one piece, my friend." And if he noticed (and how could he miss, really) how bad Ressler looked, he tactfully remained silent on that. But he glanced questioningly at Liz before stepping aside to let Ressler slowly climb the stairs to the jet.

Feeling like his head was going to explode, he slumped down in a seat at the very rear of the plane, his blanket still around his shoulders. He stole a glance at Liz as he did so, before closing his eyes against the overhead lights. Reaching up, she turned off his overhead light for him, for which he was eternally grateful.

He felt something on him now and looked up to see Liz laying a blanket over him as he shook, cocooning him between the two blankets. Thanks mom… And that brought back a memory of that morning when he'd faced off with Chung because he had needed to hit something SO badly right then, and tears suddenly sprang to his eyes.

I don't deserve your kindness Liz… And he turned away to the window and closed his eyes as he shook.

Four minutes later he was asleep, his body too hurt and exhausted to do anything else. And as the plane took off, the aurora danced outside the window lighting up the sky again, but this time he wasn't even aware of it.

###

Red was holding the pill bottle that Liz had handed him, twirling it in his fingers.

"These were prescribed today, in Sitka." Red glanced down the plane at the sleeping FBI agent, and shook his head. "How did he get them?"

"I didn't ask him how…he wasn't in much state to ask him anything… And it was filled for 10 tablets. Look how many are left in there." Liz told him, and Red opened the bottle, counting 4 tablets.

"Aaahh, Donald…" he said under his breath, again looked toward Ressler, then recapped the bottle and handed it back to Liz. "And yet even with 6 tablets today, he's clearly in withdrawal. That shows you one of two things. How many he's been needing to take daily to maintain equilibrium, or that these tablets are not nearly as strong as what he's been using."

"Using..." Liz repeated the word, hating to hear it in reference to her partner. "He wasn't himself all day." She told him, remembering Chung's arrest. "Actually, he hasn't been himself for weeks…"

She leaned back in her seat and sighed. Knowing why he hadn't been himself for weeks didn't help. "He didn't take any more pills though and handed these back to me willingly. That's gotta be a good sign though, right…?" She asked Red.

"It shows acknowledgement, definitely, which is a very important first step." He looked at her now. "Lizzie, what are you going to tell Harold?" And he could see by her expression that she had no clue what she was going to tell her boss. "I ask because Donald is going to need some time to…recover…from this. And if Harold doesn't know, then it will need to be away from prying eyes. And that is something I can help with. I can provide that privacy for him."

She smiled humorlessly at him and nodded. "He can't go back to his apartment alone, that's for sure. Plus we don't know how many pills he has stashed there…" She stopped, unable to believe she was discussing her 'by the book' partner. Her boy scout partner…

"Exactly. He's going to need support through this Lizzie." He looked up again toward Ressler, noting the sudden restlessness in the sleeping man, then back at Liz "And right about now, in fact. He's having a nightmare."

Liz turned quickly and looked behind her, got up from her seat and reached Ressler right as he shot awake. His right hand grasped his forehead, the pain in his head accelerating at the sudden movement. Panting, gripping his head, he leaned forward.

"Hey, it's okay…" she told him, not getting too close in case he lashed out at her while still waking. "It was a dream…it's okay…"

He focused on her now, seeing her, yet still seeing his dream. "They were all dead!" he told her, panting. "Sitting around a damn campfire! Dead!" He leaned forward, gripping his head again, gulping in air.

"It was a dream Ress, a nightmare…"

"No! It was real!" he told her, and looked up as Red came to stand by them. "It was real." He repeated to the criminal, trying to catch his breath.

Liz wasn't sure what he was getting at, but Red had an idea, and leaned down to him. "Where were they? Where did you see them Donald?" he asked calmly.

And the fact that the man wasn't telling him it was just a dream helped him calm down a little. "In the forest. I asked if they would help me. But they were dead. All of them. Sick. Demented. Stuffed trophies!"

And I sat among them! Sat there with them!

Liz stared at him. What Ressler was saying started to make sense. They had not been able to ascertain the reason the bodies washed ashore were flayed. But if they were used by a taxidermist… She looked at her partner, who was now leaning back in the seat, with closed eyes.

"What else happened in the forest?" Again, Red asked him calmly. He had two reasons for asking. One, he felt the need to hear what Perl had been responsible for. And two, the longer Donald kept talking about the dream/memory, the less likelihood he was to retreat back to the quiet, ashamed Ressler who had come on board. And right now, that was helping the man more than anything.

And Ressler remembered it all clearly, and with his eyes still closed he spoke again. "I was hunted by a giant with a crossbow." And something occurred to him then, and he grimaced in disgust shook his head slowly, looking at both of them now. "Because an arrow is cleaner than a shotgun. To protect the… pelt."

Oh God… He looked away and swallowed hard.

"A giant?" Red prompted, and as Liz started to speak, knowing who Ressler was referring to, Red placed a hand on her shoulder to quiet her. He wanted this from Donald.

"Guy had to be 7 foot tall…and strong… crazy strong…" He told them now, remembering being held up to the tree. And remembering what his weapon was to escape that. The arrow that had killed Chung.

Chung died because I stopped him running away!

Liz saw him remembering something now, his eyes darting. "What…what else?"

He was back in the forest, listening to Chung calling him a junkie. Lunging at the man, pinning him to a tree, denying he was a junkie. And that very action had resulted in Chung's death. He dropped his head now, sighing heavily.

Red knew he'd got all he was going to get out of the agent for now. He patted Liz's shoulder, and then returned to the front of the plane, leaving her beside her shaking partner.

"What is it…?" Liz moved to the chair across from him, leaning forward to him.

He looked up at her, and again she almost recoiled at the desperation in his eyes. "I found Chung…he was being hunted too." he told her, and looked away. "And my…condition…got him killed." He turned into the window at that, sighing, holding his aching forehead.

He wanted to ask her for his pills back. He needed to take them. But when he looked back up at her to ask, he couldn't do it. He couldn't let her down again. So he turned back to the window and looked outside at the inky blackness out there, feeling it mirror his own heart.

She didn't want him to shut down on her, not again. Not like after Mako Tanida, so spoke up again. "What happened out there Ress…?"

We were hunted like animals, Liz...

And suddenly he needed to get it all out. To let someone else know how bad it had been out there. And in telling her that, he could hold off for a little while longer on discussing…the fact that I'm a junkie… He turned to her, and looked her in the eye. "When I got to the ranch, I thought it was deserted. But then an old woman showed up, and then her son Pete Kincaid." He was surprised he even remembered the guy's name.

"And then I heard something, and went to his 4 wheeler…" He looked away, remembering. "He said it was a goat. But it wasn't a goat Liz. It was…it was Chung. In a dog crate, tagged like an animal, in the back of that vehicle."

She looked at him in horror, and let him continue.

"Next thing I knew Kincaid slammed his fist down onto my broken thumb, and then knocked me out cold." He moved his thumb away when she glanced down at it. Damn… He had just revealed that his thumb was broken before he'd been hunted. And at the confused look in her eyes, could see she'd picked up on that immediately.

Tell her…no point holding back now…

Bringing his thumb back into view, he looked at her. Telling Liz was almost harder than slamming the door on his thumb. "I broke my own thumb, Liz… I chose to break it deliberately…because I..." He couldn't finish and looked down then, closing his eyes against the look in hers.

Realization dawned. "That's how you got your prescription filled today…aaaww, Ress..." And instinctively, she reached out to his hand, cupping it gently in hers as she held his bruised and broken thumb, feeling both appalled and heart broken that he'd been reduced to doing that.

Liz…don't… I don't deserve…

And suddenly he couldn't say anything else as tears welled up in his eyes again, seeing her small hand cradle his. And she was so kind and gentle and understanding that he didn't pull his hand away.

"You're not alone in this any more…" she told him, and he nodded to her. And he couldn't find the words. Couldn't trust his voice anymore.

I'm so sorry Liz…

And his other hand came up and he placed it over hers, unable to look at her as his tears fell.