This isn't from an episode, because the last two weeks Liz Fest on the episodes has completely underwhelmed me - we want Ressler! So this is just something I wanted to put up about the day Ressler's life changed forever.

As the sun rose on the eastern horizon, the overcast sky was filled with a pale pink glow as the last vestiges of night faded. Snow was threatening and the bare trees shuddered as gusts of wind wrapped around them. Ressler sat in his car with eyes downcast only vaguely aware of the colors touching the sky in the dawn light. His black SUV was the only vehicle in the parking lot at this time of day.

Having left his apartment 45 minutes ago, he'd been waiting about 10 minutes for the cemetery gates to open. And part of him was 'okay' with the reason he'd come. It was something he needed to do today. The other part of him just wanted to leave and head for the Post Office and let work take over his thoughts. Another day that would be filled with Liz facing a murder charge and the growing need to find Tom Keen in order to exonerate her. And as much as the ex husband of his partner caused his gut to clench, part of him would rather be facing that than where he was now.

The cemetery sat empty with the gates still closed against the day's visitors. At sunrise the gates would open and as he raised his eyes to the rear view mirror, he noticed the pink hues in the eastern sky. And right on cue as the sunlight touched the bare tree tops around him, a lone golf cart made its way through the cemetery and stopped at the gate. Ressler waited as the trustee unlocked the gate, hearing the metallic creak as the gates swung open.

As the trustee drove quietly away in the golf cart, Ressler started the ignition, backed out of the parking bay and drove slowly through the wrought iron gates. Entering the cemetery he drove a short distance before parking below a slight hill that sloped up and away from the road. Headstones dotted the ground. Granite markers being all that were left of lives and loves lost. Of husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters all gone from sight but never forgotten in their loved one's hearts. And at the top of the hill his fiancé and lost child lay among them.

Pulling his coat collar up against the expected cold air he picked up the small bouquet from the passenger seat and exited the vehicle. At least he'd remembered flowers today. He'd forgotten them at her funeral. But Liz had brought some… Dropping his gaze to a white headstone as he walked by, he sighed, noting the age of the deceased woman. Twenty two years in this world. He wondered briefly what had taken her. Was she gunned down by a bullet also? Was her fiancé to blame too? He left the gravestone of the dead woman behind him and continued his walk up the hill, choosing not to look at the headstones now. A gust of wind hit him, tugging at him. Shivering, he dropped his head as his coat flapped around his legs and continued walking toward his fiancé's grave.

###

At 7:45am, Liz walked into the Post Office juggling her shoulder bag from hand to hand as she took her coat and gloves off. As she approached her office, she was greeted by Aram.

"Liz, good morning. Have you heard from Agent Ressler this morning? I tried to call him, but it's just going to voice mail." Aram looked questioningly at her as she shook her head.

"He's not here?" she asked, looking quickly toward their shared office where the lights were off. "He's always here before me..." she mused, looking at her watch and then back to Aram.

"Why do you need him?" she asked.

"Oh, I don't, but Director Cooper asked me to send him up as soon as he got here. Mr Reddington will be coming in soon, apparently to talk to Agent Ressler and Director Cooper," Aram explained as Liz involuntarily lifted her eyes to their bosses office.

Samar overheard them from her desk and came over, sipping coffee. "Perhaps he's caught in traffic. They have that St Paddy's day parade downtown today and were barricading streets when I came through."

Aram looked toward her as she stood in front of his laptop. "Perhaps. But that wouldn't explain why he's not answering his phone, right?"

Liz glanced at Samar. Something she said was ringing a bell in the back of her mind. St Patrick's day…what was it about St Patrick's day…?

"Earth to Liz..." Aram interrupted her thoughts as she leaned on his desk with a distant look in her eyes.

Her head shot up and meeting his eyes, she looked at him then quickly to Samar. "Oh, my gosh! Tell Cooper I'll be back as soon as I can!" And without further explanation, she headed briskly for the elevator, holding her bag in her teeth as she pulled her coat back on, leaving Aram and Samar looking after her.

"Was it something I said…?" asked Aram to no one in particular, missing the faint smile Samar gave him as she looked at him over his laptop screen.

###

As Ressler leaned down to place the flowers in the granite vase on Audrey's grave, the first small flakes of snow began to fall. He paid no attention to them though as he concentrated on her gravestone. It was beautiful. White granite, and while not an angel as such, the edges of the stone lifted gently at the sides like closed wings giving it a soft and graceful appearance. Just like you, sweetheart…The engraving bore into his eyes as he read the words. He'd read them plenty of times. But today, they held more meaning. Today, on March 17th, 2015 they held his eyes hostage.

Audrey Bidwell
August 24th, 1982 - March 17th, 2014
Loving daughter and sister
Taken from us too soon

It didn't mention fiancé... or mother. He wasn't really surprised at that yet it still hurt. Her life with him hadn't been mentioned. But that was understandable. Her relationship with him had ended her life one year ago today.

He placed the fingers of his right hand lightly on the white granite. "Sweetie…I'm sorry." His voice sounded hollow in the cold air, and raising his eyes to the sky as tears sprang to them, he blinked them back. "If I could change what happened, I would."

Dropping his head and turning away briefly, he noticed the snow that had started to fall in the still empty cemetery. No one was in sight as he looked down the slope toward his vehicle, now obscured through the larger flakes. Snow would forever signify Audrey and what had happened in the aftermath of her death. Shoving his hands in his coat pocket he turned back to the gravestone. Standing before it, he shivered, and not just with the cold.

"I miss you, sweetie. I miss us. I have friends I guess, but I miss you," he told her softly, as snow flakes lightly covered the pink and white roses in her vase. They would barely last a couple of hours in this cold, but that was okay. She loved pink and the white was for their unborn child. He'd brought them for her and he figured she'd understand that they wouldn't last long. He half smiled at that. Funny how he still imagined her right there, listening to him and agreeing or disagreeing with what he was saying.

Dropping his head further into his coat collar, he sniffed a little as the cold settled into his reddening nose and ears. "It's been a year Audrey… a whole year since I held you as you died. I didn't want you to die. I needed you to hang on. But it was your time, and I've had to accept that. But it's been hard. It's been a rough year."

Leaning down again he softly brushed the snow off the roses, being careful not to dislodge the petals. He cupped one white rose delicately in his frozen fingers. "Our baby would have been about 3 months old now, sweetie. I think I'd have been an okay dad. Maybe not father of the year because I'd rarely be home… but I know you'd have been an awesome mom."

Standing up again, he looked into the distance, remembering something. "I met a little girl a few weeks ago, and she was beautiful. You'd have liked her sweetie. Her name was Amy and she was kinda lost..." his voice trailed off, recalling the dark haired, blue eyed little girl. "But she should be okay now, thanks to what we did at the compound."

Drawing his eyes back he again focused on the date on her gravestone. March 17th, 2014... the day I held you in the street and begged you not to leave me... And he was back there again on the cold ground. Cradling her close against him and feeling her blood spilling onto his hands and his tears sliding into her hair. Remembering the desperation that had risen in his heart as he'd clutched her to him. And the realization that had hit him as he'd held her, knowing that life was fleeting. Knowing that he'd made one wrong move.

A lone bird called as it flew above him, interrupting his thoughts. He watched it fly past and settle onto the bare limb of a tree, noticing that it was the tree he and Liz had stood under at the funeral. She'd been there for him as he'd crumbled that day. She'd always been there for him…

Liz…

He exhaled heavily, causing a cloud of vapor around his face. "Sweetie, I know you're gone, and I'm supposed to 'move on'…but that's not so easy." He shifted slightly, easing the pain in his cold feet. The snow was falling heavily now, making it difficult to even see his car parked down the hill. As his ears numbed and his nose ran even more, he sniffed and continued talking to his dead fiancé in the falling snow.

"You'd like Liz. You and her are...were... a lot alike. And I think you'd understand and be okay with it, but she's become my best friend. She and I share a lot of common ground. I lost you, and she lost her dead beat of a husband. We've been through similar experiences..."

Unable to continue, he sighed, looking up at the sky as the snow landed on his upturned face. Closing his eyes, he allowed the snow flakes to softly touch his face. Like fingers... like Audrey's fingers caressing him... He dropped his face to look at the gravestone again. "It's complicated..."

"I'm doing okay though, sweetie. I've had some rough patches. Some bad days. But mostly good days of late, I think," he stopped, remembering something. "Oh, and you'd find this amusing. The bain of our existence, Mr Raymond Reddington, has helped me with things where no one else could." He stopped again, recalling flying back from Sitka and staying at Hotel Red for a few weeks after that. He half smiled now, looking down at the white granite before him. "He's complicated too. I was hunting him, and lost you because of it. And it turns out he was hunting me, and brought you back to me." He shivered again, "So yeah, he's a complication in my life too."

The bird was still in the nearby tree, and as it called out again he turned to it. As far as he could see it was the only other living thing nearby. The cemetery was still empty as the snow fell, blanketing the ground now as it increased. The trustee in his little golf cart was nowhere to be seen now that the gates were open. Looking past the tree as he stood in the falling snow, he felt cocooned in a world of white. His own personal snow globe. Just him and the bird in the cold morning air.

He glanced at his watch, knowing he was late for work. And yet he couldn't bring himself to leave just yet. Not on this day, one year after he'd lost her. Shoving his hands deeper into his pockets he turned his back into the wind, trying to keep his face from getting the full brunt of it. And in his mind another memory arose. Of a sub-zero night in a snow filled quarry, struggling through the wind and thinking he could very well die of exposure. And here he was again standing out in the snow, apparently having learned nothing.

His face was wet with the snow landing on him, and he could no longer feel his ears or nose. "I should go sweetie... I'm late for work." But even saying the words out loud, he couldn't leave just yet. Eyes drawn inexorably back to the gravestone, the date held him. March 17th, 2014. He'd lived an entire year without seeing Audrey. Shivering now he gazed at the date hewn into the granite, imprinting it in his mind.

But something caught his eye and as he turned he saw a vehicle pulling up behind his. A black SUV. Government issue, just like the one he was driving. And he knew, without even seeing who was driving who it would be. He looked at the gravestone again as a knowing half smile rose to his lips.

"That's Liz. Come to find me because she's the only one who would know this is where I'd be today. She's the only one who knows where you are because she was with me at your funeral. See, I told you... it's complicated..." And looking back down the slope he barely made out someone exiting the car, as the snow swirled between him and the lone figure on the road. He didn't need to see her clearly though.

As she made her way up toward him he watched her struggling with an umbrella in the wind, uselessly trying to keep the snow off her. And still he didn't walk down to meet her. Instead, staying by his dead fiancé and child a little longer.

"I have to go, sweetie," he told her quietly now as Liz drew closer. Touching the snow covered gravestone with his frigid hand he turned as Liz approached within earshot now.

"I thought I'd find you here," she panted in the snow, drawing level with him and peering out from under her umbrella. She looked at him a moment, taking in the wet face and red ears and nose. He was freezing out here. "You okay?"

He didn't answer her immediately. Instead he held the gravestone in his eyes again, focusing on the date. One year. One entire year without Audrey, and yet he'd survived. And as he turned and met Liz's blue eyes with his own and held her worried gaze, he nodded. "Yeah, I am."

She looked at him a moment longer, sizing him up then nodded herself. "Okay, partner. When you're ready we can get out of this snow and get somewhere warmer." When he looked down, she continued more gently. "I can wait in the car if you'd like longer with them."

Them. Liz was the only one who knew there were most likely two in this grave. With a final glance at the gravestone, he touched it again with his hand, looked at the almost frozen roses and then stepped toward Liz. "I'm ready, you don't need to do that."

He drew level with her and as he did so she slipped her arm in his - just like she'd done the day of the funeral. With his other hand he took her umbrella and held it over her as they walked back down to the vehicles. They didn't say anything. Didn't need to. He knew why she'd come. She knew why he was here. Each knew the other and simply walked by their best friend in the snow.

As they reached the road, he handed her the umbrella and proceeded to brush the snow off the windows of his SUV. He wasn't wearing gloves and she shook her head at him. "You'll freeze out here."

He shrugged and turned back to her. "Wouldn't be the first time."

She nodded at that, then asked him, "Did you turn your phone off? Aram was trying to call you and I texted you a couple of times."

"Yeah...and I know I'm late for work too." He looked up quickly at that and met her eyes. "But hey, at least I wasn't at a pharmacy trying to beg for drugs today."

"Always a good thing," she replied, studying him. It wasn't just the fact he was freezing cold and wet. There was something behind his eyes today. They were unfocused and fixed on another day a year in the past. "You sure you're okay? We could give Cooper some story that you're sick, if you like."

He looked at her as the snow fell around them. "Yeah, like he'd fall for that one." He shivered then, and stamped his feet to try and get some blood circulating in them. And looking back up the hill to the white granite marker barely visible in the snow, he sighed.

She followed his gaze, looking at his expression. "I'm sorry, Ress."

He felt a tear escape down his cheek as he looked up the slope, but it went unseen on his wet face. "I'm sorry too..." he said quietly, then turned to his vehicle, sniffing as he fished his car keys out of his pocket.

"Why don't you come sit in my vehicle and warm up first, since the heater hasn't been off for very long in mine," she asked him, expecting him to say no.

He stopped, then looked at her as he closed his car door. "Sure," he told her, suddenly not too concerned about how much later that would make them for work.

"I'm freezing, so you must be downright frost bitten," she told him as she dropped her umbrella down and climbed into her vehicle. He nodded as he brushed snow off his shoulders and hair before climbing into the passenger seat.

As she started the car and turned the heater on his body felt numb with cold. But the part of him that had been numb for a year didn't feel quite as cold anymore. A year of firsts without Audrey was over. The first Thanksgiving, Christmas, holidays and birthdays without her. Yet despite feeling numb at her loss, he'd seen countless times in this past year that he still had the ability to feel. And as he glanced at Liz now leaning between the two seats beside him, he knew that most of those times involved her.

She found what she was reaching for in the back seat and handed him a blanket.

"I don't need-"

"Put it around you," she told him, straightening up in the driver's seat again. "You're colder than you think."

Deciding not to argue with the voice of reason he draped it over himself, keeping his frozen hands under it. He really needed to invest in a good pair of leather gloves.

"You really should wear gloves out in this weather, Ress."

He smiled at that shared observance and rubbed his hands together under the blanket.

"And a hat wouldn't hurt either," she added, smiling as she looked at his wet hair.

"I aint wearing a fedora, if that's what you think," he said, meeting her eyes. He knew what she was doing. She was deflecting him from the reason he was out here in the first place. Waiting for him to mention it if he felt the need to.

"It's a year today," he said, looking back up the slope to the grave.

"I know, and I'm sorry I didn't realize what the date was sooner, or I'd have been here quicker," she told him, kicking herself for being so wrapped up in her own business to notice his pain. And he'd even told her two weeks ago. His 'I have more than enough of my own' wasn't specifically to do with Audrey's anniversary, but it was one of the constant pains in his life.

"It's okay," he said, drawing his eyes from the top of the hill and looking down at her blanket wrapped around him. She was the one person who had known where to find him today.

"I still miss her," he said quietly.

"You will always miss her, Ress. That's part of who you are now," she told him, reaching over and moving the blanket back up on his shoulders, from where it had slipped down.

He looked up at the grave again, obscured through the heavy snow now. "Our child would have been about 3 months old now," he said, then sighed.

"Did you want a boy or a girl?" she asked gently, not sure if she should push it that far. But he surprised her when he answered immediately. He'd obviously thought about that a lot.

"Oh, a girl, without doubt. A mini Audrey. A little princess who would wrap her daddy around her little finger," he said, and smiled ruefully, before glancing at her in the seat beside him.

"I wanted a girl too…we almost had her, before my life went south," she said, seeing a living room with pink balloons in it announcing 'It's A Girl!' before she'd turned and found her bleeding 'husband'.

"It wasn't to be though," he said, "for either of us."

"Well, not this time, Ress. You still have your life ahead of you though, and have time for a family one day."

He exhaled heavily and shook himself out of that mood. "Not if we keep meeting the likes of Anslo Garrick and Luther Braxton though, right?"

She nodded, understanding why he was changing the subject. "Right. And speaking of Blacklisters, we should head in before Cooper sends out a search party," she said, glancing at her watch.

"Or docks our pay," he quipped, reaching up and taking the blanket off him and throwing it in the back seat.

She smiled at that. "You warmer now?" she asked as he found his car keys.

"Yeah, I'll do. Thanks, Liz. For the blanket, and… for coming today," he said meeting her eyes.

She reached out her hand and briefly touched his arm. "I'm sorry you lost them."

"I know. Me too," he replied then gave her his half smile before opening the door and climbing out. The snow swirled inside the vehicle as he stood there and leaned in. "I'll follow you, as these roads are getting slick." And with that he closed the door and carefully walked through the snow to his vehicle.

Back in his vehicle he turned on the ignition and the heater, willing it to warm up fast. As Liz pulled out behind him, he turned and followed her slowly through the cemetery.

As he did so, he looked up again to the hilltop, to the unseen grave obscured by the falling snow. "Love you Audrey and baby girl," he whispered.

Happy Anniversary, Audrey…