Longest chapter ever? I think it might be. :D

Thanks for the reviews, they're helpful as always. Hopefully I can get some good feedback on this because it took a few days. I also appreciate and read all reviews, private messages and all of those. They make me thrilled.

Anyway, please enjoy the chapter! R&R!

xoxo

THR

Chapter 36

Your name was Kaiden Alenko and you had found solace in the SR-2's fresh starboard observation deck. From what you could tell, the place felt as though it had been lived in at least a few months prior. Places where furniture should have been were bare and clean. There were a few fixtures left in the metal floored room, but not enough to make it welcoming. A bar and a mod chair were hardly enough to satisfy anyone other than an alcoholic. The massive window that covered the back wall allowed the infinite space to pour through, making your problems feel tiny compared to what was around you. Any trace of life that had been in the space before was now gone. It was just you now, and it was more than agreeable for your current circumstances.

Your hair was beginning to fall into your face and you cursed yourself for not applying enough gel to keep it in its regular slicked back position. Talking to Shepard made you feel foul and unscrupulous. She had been a great woman until she was brought back to life. Part of you wanted to believe that the entire ordeal was nothing more than a scandal and that the woman you had fallen for was dead. It would have been easier to handle compared to what you had to face now. For all you knew, the Shepard that you had just shared an exchange with could have been a clone or some sort of complicated replica. Knowing the truth behind her and the organization she had worked for was wishful thinking. Until she told you something believable, you were going to assume that something had been altered in her body against her will. She had turned into a cruel person who wasn't worthy of working under the Alliance.

Cheating on someone was not her style and neither was yelling at someone she had cared for. You didn't want to think that you were in denial of her. People changed and you were well aware of this.

However, the sorts of changes that had occurred in Shepard felt out of the norm.

The bar was starting to look as hot as a Playboy model to you. Its alluring collection of drinks enticed you to step forward, which you did without a second thought. As you picked up a glass, you pondered the number of times Shepard found herself getting drunk and lost in her thoughts in this exact spot. If she still considered herself a lush, then it would be countless.

The alcoholic poison that you mixed for yourself ended up being purple. That color started to look a little more than nauseating after downing about five of them. Hoping that it wasn't Turian liquor that you had ingested, you collapsed onto the bar stool and wondered what the hell you were even doing.

Whether you liked it or not, this would be the place where you would have to spend your time for at least a month. Other than the likes of a few Alliances and Council-regulated personnel, there wouldn't be a considerable amount of other crewmates on the ship. Garrus, the Commander and you were the only crucial members that would be aboard. This meant that you would have to strategize and plan battle tactics with them. Eating with them and speaking to them on a regular basis was also going to get in the way. If drowning your malicious experiences with alcohol was how you were going to have to deal with things, then resigning and taking a head start on your biotics group felt like the best option at the moment.

The airy sound of the doors parting open made your body jerk up. Your biotic control was starting to fade away, causing you to feel a blue aura form around you. Drunken biotics were like live firecrackers. If you weren't careful, it didn't take much for you to get burned.

"Kaidan, you and I both know that we need to talk about this."

Her unexpected sympathy came as a surprise to you. You could count on no more than two hands how many times she had shown pity for people she fought with. Shepard wasn't one to try and console or even solve social problems when there was a mission at hand. Her presence itself was mind boggling, especially when you couldn't even comprehend why she was there.

She didn't acknowledge your drunkenness and you were pleased that she didn't. Hell, if she even dared to criticize you over alcohol abuse then she would have another thing coming. This was something that you did much less than her.

"In case you didn't realize, the Alliance treated me like scum. They wouldn't have wanted to rebuild me. They wanted to invest their credits in something more worthwhile like advancing their place on the Citadel. As much as I hate Cerberus, they spent billions on me and repaired my whole fucking body! If that isn't enough to give them a little respect then I don't know what is. I didn't work for them. Using them and their money to stop the Collectors was the best option at the time and it stopped those colonies from vanishing. If I hadn't gotten to Horizon you might have been dead."

Her words didn't seem to mean much to you now. As much as they made sense, her relations with a terrorist organization would never be justified no matter how drunk you were. The way she talked made her look so self righteous. She had left her own planet's forces to rot and abandoned you and your budding relationship. Now she seemed to think that she saved you, which was the most ludicrous thing that you had ever heard.

"Kaidan! What the hell is wrong with you?"

You revealed your red rimmed eyes to her when she sat down at the adjacent stool. Her own eyes scanned the bar and she shook her head when she saw the used glasses rolling across the table.

"Don't talk to me like that." you barked. "You cheated on me and your ass doesn't look as good as a pint of good Canadian lager right now."

The remark was unnecessarily cruel and your current state didn't make anything better. Her shoulders shrugged when she registered the statement in her mind. If anything, it looked like she was dejected.

In reality, she was anything but.

Without another remark, she spun off of the stool and shoved all of the glasses onto the ground with her arm, making them shatter against the firm floor. The sound jerked your body out of its lull, and the way she grabbed your arm afterwards made you lunge at her. She was irate, not depressed because of your offensive comment. There was no way she was going to dominate you in this sort of argument, especially when you were intoxicated. The foreign beverage had made you more uppity than ever. There was no way you would allow her to touch you. Her body slammed against the window wall of the room, making it look like she was pressed up against space.

You found her in your arms because of your violent advancement, and they way your bodies fit together felt too natural to be comfortable. Her short exhale was in anger and the romantic sensation was short lived. As much as you desired to kiss and make up, she had made that option obsolete.

You could feel her tense in your grasp. Her body shared the same blue aura as you, meaning that her biotics were still as hardcore as they used to be.

"Get off of me, you drunk son of a bitch!"

You suffered while you were propelled to the other side of the room by a mass of dark energy. Your view from the floor would frighten most; Shepard was towering above you with a menacing glare. It wasn't absurd for her to use force to get what she wanted. From your perspective, it felt immature.

That was exactly why you were going to play along.

You got to your feet and struck back with an overwhelming amount of force, catapulting Shepard a few feet up onto the window. Watching her slide down with a wince on her face and heeding the slamming sound that her body made was enough satisfaction for you to be finished with your little game.

Realizing that you were the more powerful one, she got up just as you did and brushed off her now defiled uniform. Now that you knew that you really weren't afraid of her, she began to look less and less threatening.

She was silent as she left the room, leaving you to bask in your victory.

Your name was Kaidan Alenko, and you felt like your triumph had been bittersweet.

Your name was Garrus Vakarian and you could now admit that you were a complete bastard.

When Shepard needed you the most, you caved into your own darkest fears and let your paranoid mindset sink to levels that you didn't think were possible. In that very moment of time, you truly weren't good enough for her and never would be because of your own lack of emotional knowledge. That might not have been a good reason, but it was the honest truth.

You had retreated out onto the upstairs balcony after leaving your partner to sob by herself. If that wasn't enough for you to declare yourself as the worst boyfriend in the galaxy, you didn't know what was. While she sat in pain, you stood far away from her in remorse. An embrace from your protective arms was all that she needed. However, you lacked this important fact.

Cars rushed across the Presidium as they always did. They didn't stop to help you console your heartbreak or assist you in solving your never ending problems. You felt like the biggest pansy; if you were back on Palaven, men would be laughing in your face because of your lack of confidence. Any male that couldn't act as an equal for his woman was shunned and labeled in a negative way. Turian women were tough and critical. There was no way you would find yourself in this sort of position if you had stayed with a member of your own species.

You stopped breathing for a moment when that sort of thought entered your mind. This whirlwind of a relationship had taken its toll, but not in a bad way. You didn't think you had a penchant for humans until Shepard came around. What the two of you had was a beautiful thing, and now that it was cracked and bursting at the seams, you realized how much you had taken all of the sane moments for granted.

At that moment, an even more daunting thought entered your mind: what if she couldn't make it past this? What if the circle that the two of you were going through was going to last forever?

You sighed and allowed yourself to sit in one of the lawn chairs, which was one of the most used pieces of furniture in the entire penthouse. These nightmares weren't helping your cause at all. Trying to remind yourself of the events of the last day was the only thing that could keep you going. You were a strong man, but women still made you feel aloof. She had asked for you. She held your hand. You weren't sure why you couldn't grasp the concept of her love. You still couldn't comprehend it. You loved her and she loved you, but that didn't mean that you were good enough. The constant battle that raged in your mind wouldn't stop.

Now it was worse than ever.

You pulled yourself out of the chair and went back into the cage that was Shepard's penthouse. The second you got inside, you ran into someone rather unsuspecting: Joker.

"The Commander—I mean, Shepard is waiting for you in her room. I don't know what the hell happened, but…"

You had forgotten the promise that you had made her. After the appointment, the two of you had planned on resuming what you had started beforehand. As much as you wanted to ravish her for the first time in over a year, you didn't feel like you deserved it. You doubted that she wanted to see you for those sorts of reasons, anyway. A woman that was just told that she had mental problems probably wasn't in the mood for sex, especially after her own partner was too much of a coward to face her.

"…she had tears running down her face, man. She kept asking me for you when I went in there to check on her and it was the most fucked up thing I've ever seen. You'd better go."

Your name was Garrus Vakarian, and something in your mind began to click at the sound of those words. It was the same sort of click that had happened earlier that day. You gave Joker a gentle push and moved towards Shepard's room at a brisk pace.

She needed you and you weren't going to up and leave her ever again.

Your name was Councilor Quentius Valibus and you were up to no good.

The actions that the Council had been taking towards Shepard had been, in your eyes, unacceptable and insufficient given the numerous crimes that she had committed during her years of service. Killing two Turians gave the woman no right to be free. No matter how much blood she shed in the name of the Council and Alliance, there was no way she was going to get away with slaughtering two of your own. Even if she operated above the law half of the time, you weren't going to let it slide.

The rest of the Council refused to listen to you. The former Commander was a disgrace to Citadel society and had to be conquered. There was no way that the species that called Earth home would be able to triumph against you.

This time, it was going to be different. Shepard was going to pay instead of have her charges waived.

As you sat at your desk at your embassy, you were faced with a decision that could make or break the former Spectre's status whether the Council approved of it or not.

In front of you was a button on your computer. If pressed, it had the potential for you to get into contact with the Batarian Hegemony, the enemy race's militaristic government. It had a reputation for being spiteful and private, only reaching into Citadel space unless necessary. They had issued a threat to the Council about a year ago: punish Shepard or suffer the consequences that the Batarian military had to offer. You didn't blame them; destroying a chunk of a population and a mass relay would make the Council just as furious. The real size of the former Citadel race's forces were essentially unknown, which was why they were not shrugged off. Their request had been brutal when it came down to what they wanted to do to Shepard.

The yearlong house arrest had been their idea, although they had intended for it to last much longer than it did. The Council's job was to implement it and nothing more. Now that the intervention of Hackett and that other Turian had done immense damage, notifying the government was a very feasible opportunity that would end up paying off for you.

You had the option of notifying the Hegemony of the Council's decisions to be soft towards the Commander. Doing so could potentially result in a surprise attack on the Citadel. However, the credits that you would obtain would be amazing for you. Such intel was considered to be easy to acquire by Council races, but the Batarians were out of touch with everything that didn't concern the Terminus System. Unless warned, they would have no idea and the entire plan would go to hell.

You had already done enough to screw Shepard over for your own personal reasons. Other than reading all of Spectre Alenko's files and blocking his emails from sending to most of the Normandy crew, you had fudged a few minor details in his and Shepard's files. They were harmless enough until somebody found out.

As of now, you didn't feel like this was enough retribution for you.

You gave the computer in front of you another quick glance before signaling the guards to close the entrance to the embassy. You pressed the button on your computer and prepared to reveal what the Council was trying to hide.

Your name was Councilor Quentius Valibus and the Batarians were about to find out that their end of the deal had been abolished without them knowing.

Your name was Liz Shepard and you were trying to act like nothing was wrong.

You sat on the side of your bed with little emotion on your face. It was still sore and tearstained, but that wasn't about to stop you from trying to recover. Joker had opened your door to see you bawling a few minutes ago. You had called for Garrus over and over and were met with nothing more than a nod from the helmsman, who you assumed had emerged from his room to see what the muffled sobs were.

Now that you had stabilized, you couldn't help but wonder if calling for him had been the best decision.

Accepting your fate wasn't something that was going to happen with ease. In fact, you planned on resenting it for as long as you could. This period of resentment wasn't supposed to be so depressing. You had planned on having a few people that were close to you that could carry you home in your time of need. They were always there and didn't even think about leaving your side. You had fought with and beside them for more days than you could count. You shared drinks and gave your insight about calibrations and even the future to them.

One man had gone against that destiny, though. He happened to be the one that you cared about the most.

You blinked back tears when you saw him open your door a few moments later.

At first, you didn't think that he would come or even remember the words that he had spoken to you so gently before your Council regulated appointment. You wouldn't have blamed him if he left, either. Waiting for his departure from your life was something that you had been anticipating for a while now. Holding onto him like a child wasn't going to fly for much longer, and having a real mental disease wasn't helping matters.

As sad as you had been when he took you out of his arms, you figured that he had his ways. Either he couldn't put up with you any longer or he just wanted to get out of this madness and think about what was happening around him. Blaming him for needing a breather wasn't something you were going to do. You felt like you needed one, too.

You stood at his arrival and braced for impact. His words had the potential to hurt you, stun you, or make you begin to cry all over again. You loathed the control he had over you. At the same time, you wouldn't let it be any other way.

You loved him and that wasn't ever going to change.

His pace quickened and rushed to pick you up and finish the business that he had abruptly removed himself from. As natural as it could be, you flourished into his grip as he lifted you up in the air. Your arms soared into his carapace and locked into place and your legs resumed their former position around his thin waist.

"Shepard, you know I'm no good with this." he said while kissing the top of your forehead. "And I also know that I'm not good enough…but damn it, I'm trying the best that I can."

Your eyes widened at his statement. Did he really think that he wasn't good enough?

No, he couldn't.

You removed one hand from his carapace and placed it on his scarred cheek. His mandibles twitched at the sudden touch and you swore that you felt his face heat up.

Was blushing something that Turians did?

"Let me down, hon." you muttered. Without any other consent, you hopped down and sat on your bed, leaving a large enough space for him to join you.

You inhaled a large amount of simulated oxygen and let it out. He didn't sit down next to you and opted to sit and relax against your small headboard.

"I don't know why you would even try and call yourself inferior. You're the one that has to deal with a soft, shameless woman who isn't even one of your own." You let out an unstable chuckle before opting to continue your speech.

"What I'm trying to say is that you're more than good for me. You're the best damn thing that's happened and I don't want you to get hurt because of what I'm doing. I don't understand why you don't think that you're good enough when it's really the other way around. I'm the one that's hindering you. Hell, if you really wanted to, you could be back in Omega and Archangel could make his big return to save the slums. Instead, you're opting to stay here with a condemned psychopath while she battles governments. It doesn't add up in my mind, Garrus! You're the handsomest Turian I've seen and I can't wrap my head around why you're here! You even said that you hate the Citadel!"

You saw him direct his gaze to the floor. You had said the wrong words already and you had hardly been together for more than a few minutes.

In an instant, he held out his hand. You took it and found yourself pulled into his grasp. It was warm and secure unlike any other person you had laid your hands on. With your head on his chest, you listened to his heartbeat and prayed that it would never stop.

"This isn't an argument that you can win." he purred, his talon resting on your tender collarbone. "I'm never going to leave as long as you want me to stay. I can't think of a better way to spend a good chunk of my life. After this war I think it's about time to live a little, if you know what I mean. Enough calibrations and gunfire; I could use a pretty long temporary retirement as long as you're beside me. I mean, if that's what you want, that is. I wouldn't mind shooting up mercs on the side until you get reinstated like you deserve to be."

The flirtatious tone that he used was beginning to ignite a fire in you that hadn't resurfaced for a long time. Whenever it did, there weren't many things around the penthouse that you could put it out with. You had no problem with not arguing with him if it involved what you thought it did.

"Garrus, if mercs are the only thing that you think you'll be shooting up, you're dead wrong."

He leaned down and pressed an aggressive kiss upon your lips, and you had a feeling that you were going to need some of the old medication that Mordin had prescribed for you for situations like this.

"Oh, I promise you that it won't just be mercs." he teased inbetween breaths. His talon wandered down from your collarbone and onto your chest. "There'll be some Batarians just for you."

You let out a promising moan, which made him begin to kiss harder.

"This conversation isn't over," you warned. "But to be honest, you're making me hornier than I've been all year."

Your breathing got faster little by little as you nipped the most aching parts of his skin that had remained untouched by any other woman.

"You've got yourself a deal, Commander."

Your name was Liz Shepard and there were certain things that drove you absolutely wild.

Garrus Vakarian was one of those things.