Author's note: I re-read a few parts of Allegiant a few days ago and realized that I had made a few mistakes, so I went back and fixed the ones I could find (I'm sure there are others). I'm trying to pick this up right where Tris died in Allegiant and to stay true to the plot up until there. It's mainly little things like - where did Shauna show up out of nowhere, what happened to Evelyn since Four was supposed to pick her up a day after Tris was shot or what's been going on in the city… Most of the changes have been in chapter 5. Anyway, so there's that, and here's the new chapter! Finally! Thanks for sticking with this and to anyone new – thanks for joining us! Enjoy. :)
Chapter Eight
Tris's POV
I'm surrounded by light, so much that I'm blinded. I feel like I should be worried or nervous, but somehow I only feel comforted. Slowly the light fades and I know my mother is with me. We don't speak, we just enjoy each other's presence. Everything is light and easy here, like floating on a breeze. I've been here before, I think. My mother smiles at me. She takes my hand and together we plunge into an ocean that's a blue so deep it almost looks black.
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I open my eyes slowly, blinking them a few times. I was dreaming.
I have been having this dream repeatedly for the past two weeks. It's always the same in the beginning – first there is the blinding light, then the floating feeling and my mother is there. I don't see her, I just know she is there. And always she smiles at me and takes my hand (although I don't see her) and then we go somewhere. Sometimes I awake before I know where we're going. But sometimes, like this time, I stay asleep long enough to see where we end up… Once I saw the entire Earth before us, once a night sky filled with planets and stars and once I felt we were going to join all of humanity somehow. Like every single person alive was going to be somewhere and that's where we were headed. And now… this ocean.
The dream always leaves me with a feeling so familiar, as if it were more a memory than a dream. I wonder – and have been wondering for days now – if it has something to do with the coma. At the end of the coma when I was aware of my surroundings I would dream sometimes, maybe I also dreamt this. I think of telling Dr. Cooke about it.
I look at the clock; it's 6 PM. I must have fallen asleep after Christina left. I still sleep a lot and Dr. Cooke says it will take some time for my sleep rhythm to become normal. Dinner won't come for another hour so I decide to leave my room and explore the surroundings of my new home. It's still the hospital, but I imagine this part must look different than the intensive care ward. Plus, I'm determined to move around as much as I can now that I'm allowed to. Christina and I have a plan.
I walk down the hall and pass the nurse's room at the end. No one is in there, for which I'm thankful – they would probably tell me to go back or something. This hall just leads to another hall which then leads to a large room with several doors and halls branching off and elevators in the middle. I don't really care which way I go so I pick a hall at random that leads me to a staircase. I stand and stare at the multitude of steps for a while. It hurts my pride, but I finally admit to myself: this staircase is actually too daunting. I turn and go back to the large central room.
By then my legs are tired and I'm slightly out of breath. Everything hurts a little bit more than usual. There are several chairs on one side of the room surrounded by large potted plants. It seems like a little oasis in this sterile environment, so I decide to sit and rest there for a moment. I pick a chair and sit with my hands crossed over my stomach while leaning my head all the way onto the back of the chair; I'm staring straight up at the leaves of the plant hanging above me. If I squint my eyes I can imagine I'm in some kind of park or forest instead of the hospital.
I sit that way for a long time thinking of the dream. My breathing becomes slow and even and just as I am about to fall asleep I hear my mother's voice in my head "If you will it."
I shoot up. I remember that! I asked my mother if I would remember this and that was her answer. "If you will it." But… remember what? And when did my mother ever say that to me? My mind races to answer these questions.
My little oasis is a place of peace and soon I am much too anxious now to stay there; I feel like I am somehow tarnishing it with my presence. I get up and start slowly pacing the large room up and down. What did I want to remember? And how can willing it help me remember? What made my mother say that?
My pace becomes faster as I think about it. I try to remember all the conversations I had with my mother, but none of it seems right. For some reason the floating feeling of my dream seems connected to this memory of my mother. And why do I always dream I am with my mother? Why not my father or anyone else I know – dead or alive? My thoughts wander towards my last memories before being shot. I haven't thought about that day too much – it has always left me a bit dazed trying to remember exactly what happened in the Weapon's Lab. But this time I skip straight to the end and try to dig up the very last moments before waking up in the hospital.
By now my heart is racing as I try to draw the memory from somewhere deep within me. I remember the pain. I remember somehow managing to push that green button and then sliding to the floor and seeing my blood so dark. David had also fallen to the floor. And then… my mother. My mother was there! She came to get me. I remember the feeling of pain when I thought I was leaving Tobias and I remember being surrounded by a comforting feeling, like entering my mother's embrace.
And then suddenly I know what the dream is.
Just like that - not knowing and knowing is only one breath apart.
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Four's POV:
My new room is simple. There is a bed with a dresser next to it. There's a small closet on the wall at the foot of the bed. There is one window covered with dark blue curtains. The opposite wall has a door in it which leads to the tiny bathroom. The room is a bit musty so I open the window wide and let in the cool November air. I used to hate winter, and autumn was always just its predecessor, but now looking at the falling leaves and breathing in the crisp air makes me think of Tris waking up. Maybe I'll change my mind this year.
Zoe gave me my key along with towels and bed linens and showed where I can wash my clothes. She also told me she would like to meet me next week so we can talk about jobs. It seems it's time to become a little more self-sufficient again. I put my few possessions away and am about to leave the room when someone knocks softly on my door.
I open it and see Evelyn standing outside.
She looks better than she did in the city. Her dark curly hair is longer and she looks more well fed and better rested, though she still seems like skin over wiry muscle. She's wearing jeans and a simple black t-shirt with short sleeves. Her dark eyes immediately find mine and I see a slightly haunted look in them, almost as if she were afraid. Her lip trembles.
Her presence comes as such a surprise to me that I don't say anything. Guilt fills me, leaving a sour taste in my mouth. What should I say? Sorry I've been avoiding you for a month just doesn't seem right. And then I remember why I've been avoiding her and anger mixes together with the guilt and the sour taste turns bitter. Some of that must be showing in my face or my eyes because the haunted look grows stronger and she begins to chew her lip.
"Tobias…" Evelyn finally says in a faint voice.
"Evelyn," I answer coolly.
"I'm…" her eyes finally look away from mine. "I've missed you."
Again, I am at a loss of words. So I don't say anything. I suppose I'm being unfair. The last time we saw each other was just after she decided to give up leading the factionless for me. I had betrayed her trust and left the city, then returned to ask her to give up her fight. We had somewhat made amends and were both planning on working on our relationship in this new world, far away from that city where we had both suffered and been through so much. This was supposed to be our second chance. But every time I look at her, I think of Tris, looking small and broken on the hospital bed, and I remember how much my mother disliked her. Somehow these feelings are too dissonant, I can't reconcile them. I feel guilty. I feel angry.
Evelyn sighs. "I understand you've been preoccupied. This has been a hard time for all of us, with so much to take in, and then there's what happened to Beatrice…" she says her name warily, as if afraid of how I might react to it. Seeing no change in me, she proceeds. "Tobias, I know I haven't been the mother I should have been. And I know you don't agree with a lot of the things that I've done. But now, being out here… It's really changed my perspective on things. All our perspectives." She looks at me pleadingly, her eyes begging for any response.
I nod. It's true. We all see things differently now that we know the truth. She seems relieved I've agreed with her and hurries on. "Maybe you still need time, but I just wanted to say that I really do miss you. I have missed you all these years. You gave me a chance and I chose you, my son. I really hope we won't throw this chance away. We can be a family again, I know it."
Again, her eyes seem to ask for my approval. I imagine how lonely she must feel, with no factionless to lead, no family, possibly no real friends. And to discover the truth about Chicago after all her efforts at taking control of the city… The anger is still in me, but seeing her so vulnerable makes me soften somehow.
I want to apologize to her and I want to scream at her to never threaten my relationship with Tris again. Doing either seems impossible, so I choose some middle ground. I let out a long breath. "You may be right. Maybe I shouldn't have been avoiding you all this time. The truth is, I don't know where our lives will lead us. I want to say that I agree with you and that we should try to get to know each other again, try to work this out somehow. But Evelyn," my tone grows hard again, "there is nothing you can do or say that will ever convince me of leaving Tris. She is a part of my life, a part of me, and if we are to ever grow close again, you have to accept that. You can't have me without her."
Evelyn nods fervently. She knew I would make this demand and was ready to agree with it. I just hope she is being honest and that she will actually try to get to know Tris and like her.
"I heard how you stayed with her all this time. It must have been very difficult for you. I'm glad she seems to be recovering." Her quiet tone seems sincere, but I still have my reservations. For the moment I choose to just accept what she says, though.
"Thank you," I say.
My mother looks into my eyes again for one intense moment and then she says, "You can't imagine how much I love you, Tobias. Never forget that." She takes my hand and squeezes it and then turns and walks away before I have a chance to respond. I watch her walk away and remain there long after she is gone.
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A glance at my watch tells me it's 7 PM. I walk briskly down the hotel halls, anxious to get back to the hospital. The last time I saw Tris was in the early afternoon after she moved to her new room; it's the first time I've been away from her for so long. I know I will have to return to a more normal life soon, but being far from her is still difficult. It's like I'm afraid of what could happen while I'm gone, like I might come back and… I think of the feeling of panic and terror when Cara told me what had happened. That seems so long ago, but it has in no way made the feeling any less intense. I guess having your worst fear come to life – and not in a simulation – doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
The sight of her when I finally get to her room takes my breath away. She is sitting on the edge of her bed looking out the window. There is an intense look on her face and that light I so love is shining in her eyes. At first she doesn't notice me, but she turns towards me when I enter the room. The familiarity in her smile makes my worries and my fears disappear. I kiss her lightly on the lips but she pulls me in for another kiss, this one longer. The electricity pulses through us again. When we part I sit next to her on the bed and our fingers find each other and intertwine.
"Hi," I say.
"Hi," she replies.
"How was your first day out of the ICU?" I ask.
"Good," she replies. She looks back out the window. "It was interesting, I guess."
"Interesting?"
"Um… yeah. Christina came to see me for a while. Then I fell asleep. Then I walked around a bit, but the nurses found me and sent me back and now I'm waiting for dinner."
"Sounds very interesting," I tease.
She hits my arm, but there's no real force in it. "Well, compared to my past few weeks lying in bed, it is interesting actually! But… there was something else, too…" Somehow she seems reluctant. I wonder what could possibly have happened here that she's reluctant to tell me. Then I have a thought. Did she too have an unexpected visitor?
"Tris, what is it?" I ask worriedly.
My tone makes her peer up at me. "Nothing to worry about, I'm just not sure yet how to put it into words. I've been having some thoughts, remembering some stuff… Puzzling things together."
I relax a little. "Ok, but if you want to tell me about it, you can. I won't make fun of you," I promise with a grin.
"Hmm, thanks," she mutters sarcastically. "I will tell you, I just have to sort through it a bit." We're quiet for a while. Then she asks, "How was your day?"
"Good," I reply. "Interesting." Tris rolls her eyes. I laugh, but then I tell her about my room in the hotel and about Evelyn's visit. She grows serious at the mention of Evelyn and listens to everything I say without interruption.
Then she says, "That's good, Tobias. I'm glad she came and you two talked. I think you shouldn't be too hard on her, you should give her another chance. That's what you were planning on doing anyway."
This takes me by surprise. My fierce Tris is asking me to go easy on my mother who tried to have her convicted of treason simply for sharing the truth? Again, I feel doubt at the sincerity of someone's words. I look at her closely. "What?" she says. "I mean it, Tobias. I know Evelyn never liked me much, but everything is different now. Let's just see where this goes."
It sounds a lot like what Evelyn says. Maybe they're both being sincere and they're both right. If ever a situation merited a new beginning, then this one, right?
Dinner arrives – for both of us – and I sit on the chair to eat while Tris stays in her bed. The nurse tells me this is the last meal I'll be having at the hospital and that from now on I'm to eat at the compound dining hall with everyone else. It's Susan, the friendly nurse who first showed me to my room in the hospital, and she seems a bit sad when she tells me this. I guess I've been almost like a patient for all the staff and they too will have to adjust with me no longer living here. I try my best to give her a warm smile.
Tris watches our interaction and laughs softly as Susan leaves. I look at her. "What is it?" I ask, a bit defensively.
"Nothing, it's just…" She shrugs. "You're being nice."
"Well, I did say I want to work on that one," I retort.
She nods and continues eating, but I can still see that glimmer of mirth in her eyes.
After dinner I lay down next to her in the bed. We spend the entire evening together, talking and just enjoying each other's company. I'm surprised no one else comes by to visit, but I'm actually glad because it means we finally get to be alone. Tris is really back. She's back and she's fine. Sometimes her left hand twitches and I know her body is still sore and painful, but she is here with her eyes awake and her mind intact. Just the sight of her makes me weak with relief sometimes.
When Susan comes to tell me visiting hours are over for the third time, I get up. Tris holds my hand and looks up at me, her big blue eyes full of trust and affection.
"I love you, Tris," I say and kiss her forehead.
She closes her eyes and smiles a small smile. "Good night, Tobias."