Chapter Nine

Tris POV:

I stay awake for several hours after Tobias leaves, thinking about the events of the day. I realize now that those dreams were more than dreams – they were memories. It was some part of me remembering my death. I remember being with my mother and seeing everything and understanding everything. I think I actually could have stayed there with her (stayed dead), but I chose to return somehow. I wanted to come back because I wanted to share what I had seen with the world.

And now I'm here. I'm out of the coma and getting better each day. I finally remember why I came back. But how can I do what I came here to do? How can I help the people around me to understand that nothing is at it seems to be? That there has to be a different way that doesn't lead to so much pain and suffering?

These thoughts fill my mind for a long time until exhaustion overcomes me and I fall asleep.

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Four POV:

Tris is asleep when I arrive. There is a tray with her untouched breakfast on the trolley by her bed. I can't help but smile at the sight of her: she lies curled up in a tiny ball, her hair covering her face. I walk over to her and brush her hair back and kiss her lightly on the cheek. She stirs and lets out a small sigh. I kiss her again and her eyes flutter open.

"Hello," I say. She smiles sleepily and stretches.

"Hi," she manages to say through a yawn.

Once she's awake and sitting I point to her breakfast. "Since when do they let you sleep through meals?"

Tris shrugs. "They don't. I think I fell asleep again after the nurse woke me." I push the trolley over to her and she begins eating right away. It's good to see her appetite has returned. "So what are your plans for today?" she asks in between bites.

"Zoe is going to take me around the compound and tell me about the different jobs. We're meeting after lunch. I guess I'll have to choose soon how I want to contribute to life here." I try to act casual, but I'm a little nervous. I wonder if there will be any job here that I might like, after all that I've experienced. And it will mean much less time with Tris, though I've known this was coming for a while now.

Tris looks at me carefully as she chews. I wonder what she sees. She's been like this a lot lately; she doesn't say much, she just observes and listens. I know there are so many thoughts going through her mind, but she hasn't shared them with me yet. Every time I have asked her so far she has just told me she still needs time, she's still thinking. It's beginning to unnerve me.

"What are you thinking, Tris?" I say, a touch more irritated than I wanted to sound.

The look in her big eyes tells me she wasn't expecting the question. "I was just thinking about what job you would choose. And whether… well, whether any job would seem right."

Now I'm the one who's surprised to hear my own thoughts come out of her mouth. But I don't want to tell her that's how I feel. For some reason I can't explain, her comment makes me defensive, "Well, I have been living here ever since we left the city. They've been taking care of us, giving us everything we need, don't you think we should do our part?"

Tris just keeps looking at me in that calm manner she has adopted. "Of course. I just wonder what our part is, that's all." She looks back to her empty plate.

What's that supposed to mean?

"Tris, something about you is different." The words just slip out of my mouth.

She looks at me again and, again I see something there… Is it fear? "What do you mean? Today?"

"No, not just today. I mean... ever since…" I can't finish the sentence. Suddenly I feel foolish; I've been telling myself to give her time, convincing myself it can't be easy to go through what she went through and now here I am, giving her a hard time. And for what? Because she's been a bit quiet and says mysterious things?

But what she says surprises me again. "You're right."

"I'm right?"

"Yes. I am different." She replies simply. As if that explains everything, I think.

I hesitate. "Tris… I know you went through a crazy experience and I can't even begin to imagine what it was like, what it still is like for you… But I wish you would trust me and… open up to me."

Tris's look bores deep into me. It feels as if she were weighing me to the gram, determining my worth. I feel naked under this stare, and not in a way I would enjoy. Finally, the intensity in her eyes lessens. She suddenly seems weak and tired. I almost start feeling sorry again for even bringing up the subject.

"Again, you're right, Tobias. I should open up to you. I want to. I just don't know how." She sounds so sincere and so torn. It's then that I realize: I have to help her.

"Well, how about you start from the beginning?"

She rumples her forehead. "The beginning? Which one? The beginning of time?"

The beginning of time? This is only getting stranger. "Well, maybe not that far back," I say sarcastically. "Maybe you start where this all began for you." She still seems at a loss to where this beginning might be. I think about her behavior and when I started noticing the changes. It's hard to tell because of her gradual recovery from the coma, but then I remember something. "You told me about a week ago that you had some thoughts, were sorting through some things… Maybe that's a start."

First she thinks about this then she smiles at me in a way I haven't seen for a long time. The look fills me with pride, like I must have done something right to deserve this. "You always know what to do, don't you?" I have no idea what I've done, but I decide to not ruin this moment by saying that.

Tris is still for a moment. Then she begins, "Last week, on my first day in this room, I told you I went for a walk…"

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Tris POV:

I decide to tell Tobias. At first I'm unsure of what to say and how. I begin with my odd memories, then I tell him about my dreams and how I pieced things together that day a week ago. He only seems even more confused, so I take a deep breath and I begin to tell him everything.

I start as far back as I think is necessary – which is when he left the compound to go back to the city. I tell him about the next hours, about playing Candor with Caleb and how he told me his true reason for sacrificing himself. I tell him about the emergency lockdown, about having to leave earlier than planned, about the chaos of it all, about how I took Caleb's place, about shooting those guards, getting shot in the arm. I tell him about the death serum, the encounter with David, getting shot again. And then… I tell him about my death. I tell him about coming back. I tell him about the tortures of the coma. I leave nothing out – not one action, one thought or one emotion.

At so many places I can't find the right words. I struggle to explain what cannot possibly be explained. Tobias is patient, though, he just waits and listens. Only twice does he ask questions – both times as I am trying to put into words some aspect of what it feels like to be dead, yet more alive than ever. He never protests, he just listens and listens.

By the time I am done my throat is sore. A nurse comes in to bring me lunch. She seems to sense our mood because she only attaches my antibiotic drip, asks if I need anything else and reminds me of my physical therapy appointment at three. I thank her and she is quickly gone.

Once the door closes, a heavy silence covers the room like a blanket. Now I must wait until Tobias is ready to respond somehow. It was a difficult decision to open up to him this way, but it seemed the only right thing to do. There was no way I could keep on pretending everything would be as it was before. My body might yet recover, but I will never be the same. And Tobias has to know that – he has to know who we is with. I can't hide that from him.

The silence stretches on and on. With each passing minute I begin to feel more uncertain. What if he thinks I'm crazy? … What if I am crazy?

Surprisingly enough, this thought is new to me. I never once considered how valid these memories might be, or whether they were the product of damage to my brain. But now that this idea has entered my mind, it seems more and more plausible. Just as I can't bear it anymore and I want to tell Tobias that maybe it's all a mistake, maybe I'm insane, maybe he should just leave me and live his life without this trouble, he finally speaks.

"Tris, that's… amazing." He runs his fingers through his hair. "Amazing doesn't even begin to describe it."

I stare at him. "You believe me?"

"What? Of course I believe you! I mean, yeah, it's pretty hard to understand, maybe even hard to believe, but I trust you, Tris…" His blue eyes turn intense. I know he can see the doubt in my eyes. "Tris, you're so – " he seems to fumble for the word – "clear. You're so lucid. How can all this stuff be made up?"

I consider what he's said. It's true, I do feel clear and lucid. And I never doubted any of this before. It all fits together too well with the facts I know to be true. I shake my head. "I don't think it's made up. I think I really experienced it. I don't know if that necessarily means it was real. I know I was really shot, and I really died for a few minutes. I know the coma was real. I guess the rest… I suppose I choose to believe it because I remember it so well and because it makes so much sense to me now."

I bite my lip. Tobias leans closer to me and gently places his thumb on my chin, pulling my lower lip from between my teeth. Then he shuts his eyes and slowly closes the space between us until his lips nearly touch mine. His warm breath makes my face tingle. The air between us feels like it's charged, as if sparks might fly from it any moment. Somehow death seems to have affected me less than he can. Finally he releases this almost unbearable tension with a long kiss. He pulls away eventually, but I linger with my mouth near his, sighing quietly. All other thoughts seem to have left my mind.

Tobias kisses my neck softly, first one side, then the other. He takes my hands in his and turns them over, kissing my palms. I feel light in a way – like maybe it all isn't so complicated after all. Everything seems so simple in moments like these. "This… this is what life is supposed to be about," I hear myself saying.

He inclines his head to one side and raises an eyebrow at me. I try to explain, "It's supposed to be about people growing so close and loving each other so well that they can help each other through anything. Even death."

His intense gaze remains on me for a long time until at last he nods. "I think I like this life if that's what it's about," he finally answers.

The nurse returns to get my tray and is surprised to find I haven't eaten yet. I grudgingly pull it over and start demonstratively eating for her to see. She seems satisfied and goes again. Tobias looks at his watch. "I have to go, Tris."

"I know." It only stings a little to have to part.

"I don't even know how to thank you for sharing this with me Tris." He seems so excited it bubbles over to me. I don't know exactly why, but it does seem exciting that this isn't my secret anymore. It's ours to explore and understand now.

After getting up, he leans down and kisses my head. "Just so you know, this doesn't mean I don't have a thousand questions. I do. And I will ask them." With that final warning he leaves. I can't help but smile.