Author's Note: Here's another chapter! :)
Chapter Eleven
Tris POV:
I awake to a bright light streaming in from the partly open curtains. For the first time in days the thick blanket of clouds has parted. I sit up and see that the world has become white overnight. It's only a light coating of snow and will probably be gone by midday, but the sight makes me smile. I always loved the quiet calm of winter.
Only then do I notice that Tobias is still sitting in the chair next to my bed asleep. A feeling of affection so intense it's nearly painful gushes up in me. He wanted to talk to me so much he couldn't leave, but he knew I was tired so he let me sleep. I quietly get up and kiss him lightly on the cheek. He groans faintly and blindly raises his arms to embrace me. I let him hold me with his cheek resting on my stomach while I stand in front of him. Sometimes I wonder how I ever lived life without this. I think of my parents and ask myself if they had thoughts like these when they fell in love. Usually thoughts of my parents are accompanied with pain and regret, but now I only feel a distant longing for my mother's arms or my father's wise words. I know they aren't really somewhere else.
Tobias finally sits up straight and stretches. I look at him. "You didn't leave."
"I didn't leave," he replies earnestly.
I take his hand in mine and kiss it. Then I go to the bathroom with fresh clothes and wash my face, brush my teeth and get changed. Today I wear a tight black short sleeved shirt and jeans. By the time I'm out Tobias is standing at the window looking out. It's our first winter together, I think. The thought makes me curious.
"Do you like snow, Tobias?" He continues to look out the window.
"I used to not like snow, not like winter in general."
"Used to?"
He looks at me and shrugs. "This time it feels like that might change." I nod. I'm not sure I know exactly what he means, but I think I understand in a way.
He goes into the bathroom, brushing my upper arm with his fingers as he passes me. I tell him I have an unused toothbrush under the sink and then he too is brushing his teeth and watching his face. I put on the blue sweater again and observe the quiet world outside while I wait. When he comes out little beads of water show on his thick dark hair. Sometimes I wish our lives were only made of moments like these, being together and happy. But I know he is curious about what happened yesterday and I know there are things we need to do. Life isn't just about moments like these, though it seems they make life worth living.
Tobias sits down on my bed. I lean against the back of the chair – our eyes are at the same height now. "So?" he asks simply. He knows I know what he means. This makes me smile.
"So… Dr. Cooke examined my nervous reactions last night. I don't know if he really needed to, I think he just wanted to talk to me alone." Four nods. I don't feel quite ready to tell him about my fear. "And the reason my physical therapy is so long is that I told Christina I'm worried I might never get better, that I might never be as I was before. I know my progress is ok, but it feels so slow to me. I feel like I'm trapped in my body and can't do anything else until I'm healed, and who knows how long that will take? So Christina talked to the doctors and to Ivana about it and they've come up with some intense training plan to get me better quickly." Again I see the worry in his dark blue eyes. "The doctors are ok with it, really. We're not going too far… just as far as is humanly possible without causing me lasting harm," I add the last bit under my breath. Tobias notices my tone but gladly chooses to ignore it.
"I guess it's good if the doctors think it's ok. And you're with Ivana."
"And Chris," I add. This just makes Tobias grunt doubtfully which makes me laugh.
"And what about the surgery? You can't really want them to dig around in your leg without anesthetics, Tris."
"Not without anesthetics, Tobias. It would just be with local anesthesia. And this point is not up for discussion. Dr. Cooke hasn't given me a definite answer yet, but either we do it next week with local anesthetics or in a few more weeks when everyone thinks I'm strong enough." I know I sound stubborn, but it's true. This isn't up for discussion.
Tobias looks at me closely. Can he see the fear in my eyes? I've been trying to hide it, but his eyes see so much when it comes to me, now more than ever. "Is it the darkness you're afraid of, Tris?" he asks quietly.
Tears suddenly fill my eyes and I look away. I nod. He breathes heavily, but doesn't say anything. I know he wants to comfort me, but he also isn't one to baby me, no matter how overbearing and protective he can get. We are experienced in the area of fear, after all.
"Well, then I guess that means you're Seven again."
I stare at him, slightly incredulous. "Seven? I tell you this and all you think of is my fear landscape?" He shrugs. "And how do you know my other fears haven't changed, too? Maybe I'm not still afraid of the crows or being burnt alive or…" Somehow I know my fear of drowning in that immense ocean hasn't gone. But I'm sure I no longer fear my parents' deaths. I don't think I fear death at all anymore, in a way I look forward to it.
"You're right about that. Maybe you're not Seven. Maybe you're Three. Or Eleven. Who knows?" He seems to be saying it doesn't matter, which is of course true. It's strange that something could have seemed so important at one point in your life and then becomes so meaningless later.
We're both quiet for a while. I look at the clock next to my bed. It's seven thirty now which means that breakfast will arrive in half an hour. "How did it go with the jobs yesterday, Tobias?"
He tells me about his day. He sounds impressed with the size of the compound and the number of jobs Zoe showed him. I can hear the tiniest longing in his voice when he speaks of the fields and the greenhouses, but I think it's just the memory of the peaceful Amity that causes that. Somehow I can't imagine Tobias farming. The workshops seem to attract him the most. He is already good with cars and computers, it would only be another step for him to learn more about repairing them. And I can imagine him building things, fixing furniture and appliances, working with his strong, beautiful hands. Yes, there is definitely a side to him that was made for that.
When he's done telling me about everything I ask him the obvious question. "So what are you going to do?" By now my legs are tired so I sit down next to him on the bed. He places a hand on his neck and rubs it. "I don't know… Zoe told me to try different jobs out first, so I guess I'll do that. I might start outside at the greenhouses and work my way in, spend a few days at each place."
"Sounds like a good maneuver to delay making a decision."
He glares at me, but I just look back at him placidly and his stare loses it heat. "Well, what do you think I should do?"
I'm flattered he asked me, but I feel a bit uncomfortable with the question because I actually have a suggestion for him. I don't know if he just expects me to tell him he has to do what he thinks is best or something like that. But that wouldn't be honest.
"Tobias, have you ever considered becoming a leader?"
He blinks at me. "Yes, Tris, and in case you've forgotten, it didn't go so well."
I shake my head. "No, I don't think you ever truly accepted a leadership role. I think you were always too afraid of what you might do if given too much power. But I've thought for a long time that you have all the qualities of a good leader, including a certain dislike for the task." I pause. "And I think that back then, although I already thought that way, I didn't really help you develop that side of you. I wanted you to be a leader, but I also wanted you to do as I think." It's difficult to say this, but I also think it's necessary.
"But you were right every time and I was wrong, Tris." I shake my head.
"Not every time. And, like I said, you weren't really acting as a leader. I don't think many of your reasons for making decisions were necessarily right – that's what led to you make bad choices. You made decisions out of fear and doubt and desire, not because it was what you thought was right."
He thinks about this. I know my words are harsh, but I want him to understand I believe he can do differently if he manages to let go of the ghosts of his past. I'm afraid how he will react, though.
Finally Tobias shakes his head, as if he could shake away a thought. "I don't know, Tris. In some ways I see what you're saying, in other ways I don't."
"That's ok. I don't have to be totally right, it's just what I observed. But please think about it, Tobias. If you're going to try out different jobs for a while, why not try out one of those that might lead you to a leadership position? God knows this place is in desperate need of good leadership if anything is to change here."
He only looks at me for a while before agreeing. "I'll think about it. But there's one big problem in this idea: David."
I sigh. "Tobias, you can't hate him forever. He did what he did because he thought he was protecting something important. He thought he was doing something good for the world. He's changed now anyway, he doesn't believe any of that bullshit anymore. And, besides, I'm fine now! You have to let it go eventually."
"Yes, Tris, you're fine - besides the lifelong damage done to your body and mind - but not thanks to him! He tried to kill you and I'm sure if you hadn't set off the memory serum, he would regret that he didn't succeed!"
"Peter tried to kill me and then later he saved my life. My brother loved me once, then he left me to get executed and still you saved him for me. It's not that simple, Tobias." I say quietly.
He exhales loudly through his nose. I realize it's too much, me challenging everything he says, asking that he re-think his positions over and over. But now I've said it all and can't take it back. I wish I could just defuse this tension in the air. I look outside. And then suddenly I stare back at Tobias. "Wanna have a snowball fight?" I ask.
His look goes from surprised, to incredulous, to amused in a second. Then he laughs. I grin. We both get up quickly and put on our shoes. I grab a jacket and a scarf, he pulls on his jacket, then grabs my hand and we run out the door. As we pass the nurse's station, one calls out, "Breakfast is in ten minutes!"
"Ok!" I yell and we keep on running.
After fifteen minutes of running, screeching, throwing snowballs and kissing, we trudge back inside holding hands. We are completely wet, out of breath and grinning from ear to ear. The nurse sees us and gasps. "Miss Prior!" seems to be the only thing she can say.
"I'm fine," I say quickly. "I'll change into something dry." I do so as soon as we enter the room, after leaving our shoes outside. Tobias just takes off his jacket and shakes his head to make the snow fall off. Then I get back in bed and cover myself with a blanket and promptly eat my breakfast. Tobias just smirks at me.
He updates me on the compound and the city as I eat. While he doesn't say so, I can tell he's worried about Chicago and about how things are going here. There are so many problems, so many questions and so few answers. As he tells me about the new people coming in from the city, I have an idea.
"Tobias, why don't we gather everyone from the city?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, let's have a meeting. Let's get everyone from the city who is here now together and talk."
"About what?" I know he has some thoughts on this, I can see them spinning around behind those blue eyes of his, but he wants to hear my idea out first. To me this is a sign of great respect.
I'm not sure how to answer at first. "Well… about all of it. We could see how everyone is adjusting, ask what they experienced in the city, how they see things. We could answer questions about the compound and the world outside. And…" I hesitate. To me this is the most important part. "Maybe we could gather ideas about how to help the city. We can't just leave them to their fate."
He nods. "I thought that, too. And who better to help than us, who know the city so well?"
"So you agree?"
"Yes," he says. "I just wonder who should organize this meeting and how." I look at him pointedly. "What? Me?" I nod. "Hm. Leadership and what not," he grumbles.
"Well, why not? It's our idea and I can hardly be the one to do it stuck in the hospital this way."
"I suppose I could talk to a few people. It shouldn't be so hard to get everyone together since it's not that many people."
The nurse comes to take my tray and bring my antibiotic drip. Tomorrow will be my last day taking it, of which I'm glad. She tells me my physical therapy will now begin at 10:00 each morning and leaves. The door is hardly closed for a second when someone knocks on it. I look at Tobias. "Come in," I say.
The door opens and there stands Evelyn. Her hair is longer and she seems to be eating better than before, but other than that she seems unchanged. Her eyes go wide in surprise as she sees Tobias standing next to me. "Tobias! I wasn't expecting you here," she says breathlessly. Her eyes dart between us and then she says, "I'm sorry, I just wanted to visit Beatrice, I think I'll go and come back some other time…"
She begins to turn away, but I say, "No, Evelyn, please come in. You're not bothering us." I look at Tobias and he voices his agreement. She halts. It's then I notice that there is a skinny girl standing behind her, peeking her head out to look at us. The girl looks to be around nine and has tan skin and dark curly hair. Her nose is slightly hooked and her eyes are dark brown, almost black. Evelyn stands uncertainly in the doorway.
I stand up and approach her, pulling my antibiotic drip along with me. "Please, join us. You're both welcome here. We can get more chairs in the hall." I bend down so my eyes are level with the child. "Hello," I say.
The girl looks at me with doubt in her eyes. Then she says, "Who are you?" in an almost contemptuous manner. She's certainly brave. I like her.
"My name is Tris," I say. "Well, it's Beatrice, but most people call me Tris." I stick out my hand. "What's your name?"
She ignores my hand. "Tin," she nearly spits out.
"Tin?" I ask. "Like a tin can?"
Evelyn answers this time. "Her name is Kristin. But everyone calls her Tin." I look at Tin. Kristin. That name sounds familiar, but I can't place it.
Evelyn and Tin enter the room and Tobias leaves quickly to get chairs. I know he is suspicious about his mother coming to visit me, but I'm honestly happy about it. I was hoping she would come for a while now. The child is a true mystery, though: why did Evelyn bring her along? We stand around in awkward silence until Tobias returns. I can't help but notice how Tin lights up when she sees him. And how she glares at me. This child must be under the impression I've done something terrible. I hope Evelyn hasn't said anything bad about me.
Evelyn and Tin sit next to each other on the chairs, Tobias and I on the bed. I say that I'm glad Evelyn came here to see me and then we wait for her to say something. She is quiet for a moment. Then she says,
"Kristin, this is Tobias Eaton. He's my son. Marcus Eaton, my ex-husband, is his father." Tin looks up at Tobias and her dark eyes are filled with adoration. In that instant I understand who Tin is and I think I know why Evelyn brought her here. Tobias only draws his eyebrows down in confusion.
Evelyn looks Tobias firmly in the eyes. "Tobias, this is my daughter Kristin. She's your half-sister."