Chapter Thirteen:

Tris POV:

I look at Evelyn who looks back at me expectantly. Somehow I have to help Tin see that I am not going to take Tobias away from her, that we are not rivals. We can both love him. I take a deep breath and wipe my palms on my pant thighs. It makes me grimace for a second – to think that, after fighting in a war, a child could make me so nervous.

I've always liked children from a safe distance, observing them play with each other around my home or in the breaks at school. Oftentimes the smaller children were the only sources of visible joy and loudness at Abnegation because it wasn't yet demanded of them that they adhere to the strict code of conduct everyone else had to live up to. One of our neighbors had three little boys and they always made such noise on the weekends; sometimes I would sit in my room and watch them through my window, laughing at all of their wild antics. But this feels very different. Tin is older than those boys. I never really spoke much or interacted with any children after my own childhood, I just liked to observe them. And those children never hated me.

I take another deep breath and walk towards the door. When my hand reaches the doorknob I falter for an instant, thinking of all that could go wrong, but Evelyn stands there, her dark eyes weighing and measuring me, so I open the door and enter the room. Tin still sits as she was, her eyes trained on the floor below her feet. I take a seat on my bed in front of her. Evelyn stands by the door and seems to be trying to make herself unnoticeable. That's no easy task for her; she has a strong presence, like her son.

Tin doesn't look up at me. I know I have to start this somehow.

"Tin," I say softly. No reaction.

"Kristin?" I try again. She jerks slightly, but quickly returns to her position. I look at Evelyn. She merely shakes her head. Maybe not.

I think hard. "Tin, your mother was telling me about your lives and how you got to know about Tobias. Would you like to know more about your brother, maybe I can tell you some things about him?" I ask. It's the only thing I know we have in common.

Again, she fidgets in her chair. Finally she asks, "And what would you know about him?"

There's venom in her voice. I ignore it and continue in a casual tone. "A lot of things. I know where he grew up. I know he had a really difficult life, like you. I know why he chose to leave Abnegation and join the Dauntless. I know what he's good at and what he's not so good at. I know that he is strong and selfless and brave, but not without fear." I try to make my love and admiration for him audible in my voice so she knows this is something we can agree on. "I know he doesn't always know what to do and how to act. I know he would like to be part of a real family."

At this Tin finally looks up. There is such hope in her eyes, my heart squeezes in my chest. Then she looks down again quickly. After a moment she asks, "What's he good at?"

I think about this. "He's an excellent teacher. He trained the Dauntless initiates the past two years and he's very good at it – he's intimidating and demands respect, but he also knows how to help the initiates get better. He trained me. That's how we met." I pause for an instant, but there is no reaction to this, so I go on. "He's also a very good fighter. He's strong and fast and knows technique. He has perfect aim. No one can throw a knife as well as he can." I smile and touch the place on my ear where his knife nicked me. I wonder if I should tell her that story. Tin is now sneaking looks at me through her eyelashes. Maybe I should just go on talking about Tobias. "He can fix a car, he's good with computers and electronic devices in generals. He worked in the Dauntless control room when he wasn't training initiates and he deactivated the Erudite simulation that made all the Dauntless attack the Abnegation. Do you know about that?"

Tin nods. Now she is really looking at me. "That attack started the war, didn't it?" She asks. I nod. "And he stopped it?" I nod again. There is pure awe in her face. "Why wasn't he under the simulation like the other Dauntless?"

Where do I begin? That's such a long story to tell. I decide to sum it up as much as I can. "Your brother is immune to certain simulations, they don't affect him the way they affect most people."

Tin asks, "Is he Divergent?" I'm surprised she knows so much. Evelyn really hasn't been withholding information from her, or maybe her factionless friends.

"Yes, something like that," I answer. Then I remember something. "Actually, he was once under the effects of a special kind of serum, just before he disabled the simulation that caused the attack." Tin draws her eyebrows down into a straight line in confusion. The same way Tobias does. I explain to her how he tried to escape during the attack, was caught, then Jeanine put him under the modified simulation she had developed for the Divergent and sent him to the control room.

"How do you know all this stuff?" she asks in a suspicious tone.

"I was with him the whole time, at least until Jeanine sent him back to Dauntless."

Tin stares at me. "Are you Divergent, too?" I nod. Admiration and contempt wrestle within her. "I don't believe you," she says finally. I guess contempt won.

But then Evelyn speaks up, "Kristin, she is telling the truth. Several people have noticed she is aware during simulations and have seen her resist serums."

I give Evelyn a grateful look. Tin seems disgruntled, so I hurry on before she has time to continue her train of thought and find some way around her mother's admonition. "That simulation was awful because it changed what he saw and heard – he actually thought he was protecting Dauntless from the Erudite while in reality he was working for them."

This time Evelyn asks a question. "What happened? How did he make it out of the simulation and turn it off?"

How can I explain what happened that night in the control room? I think about the events of that day for what feels like the first time in a very long time. The fear, the anxiety, the loss… they all return slowly to me. "I… spoke to him."

Evelyn and Tin stare at me. "What?" Evelyn asks. "You spoke to him?"

I look away from them with my mind filled with memories. Emotions threaten to overwhelm me as I consider all that happened. Getting caught, being separated from Tobias, almost getting killed, my mother showing up and saving me, then losing her so soon after, shooting Will, losing my father… I decide to focus only on the interaction with Tobias in the control room before I drown in those memories. "We thought the simulation was being controlled from the Dauntless control room, so we went there. When I got there, Tobias was there, but he didn't recognize me. I spoke to him, shouted at him, but he still just saw me as an enemy. We fought. I was desperate, I knew I didn't stand a lasting chance against him and I knew I couldn't kill him if I somehow got the chance to fire at him. So I finally just… gave up. I held his gun to my head and told him to kill me."

The silence in the room is palpable. Both Tin and Evelyn are staring at me with wide eyes. Finally Evelyn clears her throat and says, "You did what?"

Their stares make me feel uncomfortable. It's hard to explain moments such as these, and somehow this one almost feels intimate to me. It was one of those defining experiences for Tobias and me, something that sealed our union even more than before. But I know this is how I'm going to prove myself, so I go on. "I… trusted him. I knew, deep down, that Tobias was in there and he could find his way back. It just felt right to do that. I knew he wouldn't kill me."

For another few moments the silence lasts. This time Tin asks me a question, "And then what happened?"

I shake my head. "I don't know exactly. I just know that he suddenly dropped the gun and took me in his arms and hugged me. Then we turned off the simulation and left." I shrug.

It's clear that the story has really made an impression on Tin and Evelyn. They both look at me somewhat disbelievingly. I suppose it is hard to believe at that. But now I'm feeling even more uncomfortable and don't want to think about that day anymore, so I say, "Anyway, Tobias is good at a great many things, but he also has his weaknesses. Do you want to hear some of those?"

Tin still seems lost in thought, but she looks at me again and nods slowly. There is no contempt visible in her pretty face anymore, just doubt. I hope that's a good thing.

I tell her about how Tobias isn't the nicest person I know, how he doesn't trust people easily, how it's hard to get close to him, the real him. I also explain that he doubts himself and fears becoming a harsh and violent person. While I try not be too hard on him and use a language I think is appropriate for a ten year old, I am honest in my description of him. It's only fair Tin know the truth. And I think the truth may help her understand why her brother left today.

"I don't know if you know this, Tin, but Tobias's father wasn't a good man. He treated your mother and Tobias terribly. That isn't your brother's fault, but he still carries that in him somehow and it's hard for him to let go of his past."

Tin's eyes fill with tears. She nods in what I can only describe as a show of bravery and then she says, "My father also wasn't a good man." It seems this is enough for her. I glance at Evelyn and she too has tears in her eyes. This surprises me because I didn't realize anything could break through her hard façade.

"I know," I respond.

Once again silence surrounds us as we get lost in our thoughts for some time. This is my chance. I have to say something convincing now that Tin is vulnerable and has let her guard down.

"Tin, I know you love your brother and you want to get to know him. But I think he too would gain so much from getting to know you. You both have so much in common, I'm sure there's a lot you two can learn from each other and I think he could see from interacting with you that he isn't such a bad guy as he sometimes thinks. It would be so good for him. The bond between siblings is something very special." I swallow hard at this thinking of Caleb.

Tin has gone back to staring at the floor and I'm not sure if she's heard me or not. I wait and hope for some reaction from her. But she just keeps looking at the floor. I look over at Evelyn and she only shakes her head, as if to say that she too doesn't know what to do.

I thought this would be the right approach, to tell Tin that I want her to get to know Tobias because she would be good for him. But maybe I was wrong. Or maybe it just takes more time. In any case, there's no point in trying to convince her more now. I get up and walk to the window where I stand leaning on the sill. The clock says it's 9:30, that means I have to get ready for physical therapy soon.

Just as I'm about to open my mouth to say so, Tin speaks up in the tiniest voice, "Do you think he would like me?"

The question surprises me so much, my answer just blurts out in a reflex, "I think he would love you!" Tin's little face mashes up in disbelief. "Tin, you're his sister. And not just any sister, you're strong and brave and have been through so much, just like him. He will love you and want to look out for you and protect you. I'm sure of that."

Again, a long stretch of silence accompanies our thoughts. I'm not sure what to do now. But Tin eventually helps me out by asking another question, this one even more unexpected, "And what about you?"

I frown. What about me? "Do you mean if I will like you?" I ask.

She replies with some of her old haughtiness, "No, I don't care if you like me! I just mean… I mean…" She falters, unsure how to go on.

Evelyn picks up, "I think you mean to ask Tris what she thinks about Tobias having a sister he loves." Tin nods after a moment.

I breathe in deeply and consider how to answer this question. "Tin, do you love your mother?"

Finally Tin looks up at me again. "Yes." She replies firmly, almost defensively. I nod.

"And if your mother had a wonderful brother whom she loved very much, would you love him?" Tin thinks about this. She nods hesitantly. I can see her thinking about where this might be leading. "Why would you love him?"

"Because he's my mother's brother. And she loves him." She responds uncertainly.

"Exactly," I say. "Tin, from the moment I knew who you were, I have loved you. How could I not? You are Tobias's blood, his sister! And I love him. You're a part of him, a good part of him. All I want is for him to be happy and whole and I know you can help him in that. So, to answer your question, I'm very glad Tobias has a sister and I hope very much we can all learn to be a family together."

My eyes glass up for a moment remembering Tobias saying he will be my family now. Maybe his family can also be my family. I never considered before that by being with him, I might actually be entering something greater than just the relationship between us two.

Tin peers at me so intensely. "Do you really mean that?"

"I do," I say and look her straight in the eye. She has to believe me.

Suddenly Tin stands up. She walks towards her mother and says, "Mom, I want to go." Evelyn nods. I don't know what to make of this, but there's nothing I can do now except go with it. So I walk towards them.

"I'm glad you were here." After a second's hesitation, I shake Evelyn's hand. I don't know if this is the way the factionless do it, but the Abgenation bow seems so out of place here. Then I face Tin. She looks up at me and then reaches out her hand. A peace offering. I take it gratefully and we shake awkwardly, both uncertain. Then Evelyn says good-bye and they leave, closing the door behind them.

The nurse comes in just after they leave and removes the antibiotic drip from my arm and then takes out the IV completely. That was my last dose of antibiotics. I change quickly and head towards the physical therapy room on the third floor. My mind is so full I actually look forward to the bodily exertion because it might clear my mind. As I turn into the hall, Christina is just arriving with a huge yawn. She's started working afternoons and evenings so she begins her days with our daily sessions. We greet each other and she affectionately places her hand on my arm.

"Ready for more Ivana torture?" she asks. I grin weakly. It really was torture yesterday.

(page break)

By the time the clock shows 12:50 I am gritting my teeth to keep from screaming. Did I really think I might be looking forward to this? But on the upside – if there can be said to be an upside to this hell of an exercise regime – I haven't had a second's chance to think about Tobias or Evelyn or Tin. The pain has been too much.

Ivana finally lets us relax and tells us we are done for the day. I can see Christina is also having a hard time with her own training. But we're in this together and we'll pull through it. I think.

I lay down on the mat for a few minutes to catch my breath and slow my heart rate. Ivana says cooling down is just as important as warming up. I certainly enjoy it more. Finally we gather our things, get up and say good-bye to Ivana. She smiles warmly at us and says, "See you tomorrow at ten." I cringe.

Today even Christina is a bit subdued as we head back down. I'm thankful she doesn't protest when I head straight for the elevators. As we reach my hall Christina says weakly, "I think you might have to remind me from time to time why we decided to do this."

"I decided to do this because I'm a broken mess that needs to be fixed. You decided to join me because you're a ridiculously good friend. And you're a badass." This seems to lift her spirits.

"I am, right?" she says. We both laugh, then she heads off towards the hotel to shower and get ready for work.

I go to my room and shower and get changed myself. Then I lay down in my bed with the sole intention of sleeping forever. But just as my eyes fall closed, the nurse enters the room with lunch. I am not only tired but also famished, so I let the hunger win and sit up to eat. The food here is simple but healthy and it reminds me of Abnegation. I like it.

Once I'm done, I quickly push my tray away and lay down again. Now I can finally sleep. Just then there is a knock on my door. The nurses usually don't knock when I'm alone and everyone else should either be working or having lunch, so I wonder who it might be. "Come in," I say reluctantly and sit up again. This better be good.

Caleb enters my room. His handsome face used to bring me such comfort, but now I feel sad and confused when I see him. He has been coming to see me regularly and our interactions have been normal, but somehow it isn't like it used to be. Our relationship is still tainted by the past. He walks in and takes a seat in the chair Tin was sitting in a few hours ago. But I don't have to convince him to like me, rather it feels as if he still has to convince me of his worthiness after all that he's done. I sigh. I don't know where these thoughts are coming from. I thought I had forgiven him.

"Hi Tris," he says.

"Hi Caleb," I answer. "Why aren't you at work?"

"Matthew and his supervisor had to go on a short trip and Cara and I aren't allowed to continue with the experiments without them, so we got the rest of today and tomorrow off." He shrugs.

"Oh, ok. How's work going anyway?"

"It's great," he says. "It's what I always wanted, I think. I get to read a lot, I have access to the best databanks with scientific literature and we're starting to get really actively involved in the experiments." His eyes shine as he says this.

"What are you experimenting on?"

"Well, we're trying to find out what genetically pure and genetically damaged really is." I frown at this and he continues quickly, "No, not like that. I mean, we're basically looking for scientific evidence that this genetically pure stuff is nonsense. We've been analyzing DNA and isolating the genes that are supposedly damaged and supposedly whole in different people and trying to see in what way they're actually different. It's strange because this has been such a defining feature of this society for such a long time, that no one has ever actually systematically analyzed the genetic differences between the GPs and GDs. There's been some studies on individual genes, but none on the differences as a whole. So basically, we don't really know what it means – scientifically – to be GP or GD. After some analysis we've realized that the approaches so far in identifying genetic damage have all been quite… lacking."

I can only stare at him. Where was this side of him all those years? Finally I say, "That's amazing, Caleb. It sounds like really important work."

"Yeah, it is!" he replies excitedly, but he quickly sombers up. "I think what I like about it the most, though, is that I get to do all this stuff and learn so much without being in the Erudite."

This comment surprises me. "What do you mean?" I ask.

Caleb looks uncomfortable now. "I've been thinking a lot about all that happened and all I did. I guess I realized that I chose Erudite because this is a part of me I can't deny – I love acquiring knowledge and intellectual pursuit. And back in the city the only way I could live that would be by joining Erudite. And so I did, despite all the bad there was in that faction, because it was the only possibility I saw to do what I love. But here… here I can do what I love and be smart without having to agree with everything else around me. I can work with Matthew and disagree with him. I can be smart and think differently from those around me. It's really a relief."

Caleb's words make me think of just how different we are. I chose Dauntless, not because I knew I would be able to be myself there, but because I knew I could never be truly and completely Abnegation. My lack of selflessness led me to leave Abnegation. But Caleb's intelligence and thirst for knowledge led him to choose Erudite. One question still burns in me, though.

"Caleb, why did you pretend all those years to be the perfect Abnegation son? How? I tried so hard to fit in and I never could and you… we never suspected there was this other side of you. Or at least I never did."

It's the first time we're having such an honest conversation. I'm thankful now that Caleb is here and is being so open, because there's so much that has been left unsaid between us. Maybe this is a first step towards fixing that.

Caleb sighs before answering. "I don't think I was pretending. I just grew up thinking that you do what you're told. If mom and dad say not to speak during dinner, I don't speak during dinner. If they say it's good to be kind to others and take care of their needs before my own, I pay attention and try to recognize others' needs and attend to them. It wasn't fake selflessness, I was just acting as I had been taught. And as I grew older and more aware of my actions, I realized it was also smart to do so, it made my life easier. So I did."

"It was that easy for you?" I ask in amazement.

He shrugs. "I guess so. But it also wasn't because I had to hide my love of knowledge."

"When did that start?"

"I'm not sure… I think it helped that our parents weren't the usual Abnegation themselves. Mom from the outside and then Dauntless, Dad a former Erudite. You know, our father was an unusually intelligent man. They were certainly Abnegation, but the customs and habits weren't as deeply ingrained in them as they might have been in a long-standing Abnegation family. They allowed us more freedom to think. But even so, I could tell I wanted too much. I always wanted to read books, I was good in school and asked too many questions, what we learned was never enough for me. And on a few occasions it even led to weird looks from teachers or comments from our parents. That's when I decided I had to pretend to be less interested. I was still a good student, but I stopped asking so many questions. I got books from the library and hid them. I tried even more to do as I was told and pay attention to others. It was just what I knew to do."

I'm fascinated by what he says. It does seem to make sense in a way, seeing the world through his eyes. "Then the aptitude test told you what you were expecting. Erudite."

Caleb nods. "I was expecting and fearing it. Because I knew I would have to make a choice between our family and myself. And I wanted to choose me. But it meant not doing as I was told, it meant not acting the way everyone expected me to. And I was so afraid of that."

The more Caleb says, the more I understand him. But still something is bothering me. It still doesn't add up. And finally I ask the question I have been burning to ask him for such a long time. "And when did you discover you care about yourself more than anything else in the world?"

He looks at me, hurt and shock in his eyes. "What?"

"You heard me, Caleb. When did it become clear to you that nothing matters as much as you? When did you completely abandon Abnegation? Was it at the choosing already?" I can feel my anger rise as I think of all the times he betrayed me and our family.

"Beatrice, that's not what happened. That's not fair. I was with the Erudite, I was one of them. It was expected of me to act a certain way, they told me to do those things and so I did. I didn't know what else to do. And I thought we were past all that, I thought you had forgiven me… I wanted to die for you."

"You wanted to die for me?" I shake my head angrily. "No, I wanted to die for you. You wanted to die for yourself, to finally be rid of your guilt."

Caleb stares at me in perplexion. "Is that what you think, Beatrice?"

I look back at my brother who now has tears in his eyes and all my anger dissipates. All the hurt from the past disappears. All I feel is sadness. Can he truly be so blind? I wish I could help him see how wrong his actions were, but here he has been these past few weeks finding ways to justify them. In this moment I remember the clarity I had while floating in space with my mother in that world beyond. The memory calms me. I wish I could see so clearly now.

"Caleb, I don't think you ever truly realized how wrong your actions were." He makes a noise as if to protest, but I just go on. "No, I know you felt sorry and you apologized and offered to sacrifice yourself, but that doesn't mean you ever truly realized that what you did was wrong. It was wrong, Caleb."

He still doesn't seem to understand.

"Imagine things had gone differently. Imagine if I hadn't escaped but been executed that day. And imagine if the factionless hadn't gained power, but Jeanine had won the war and Erudite had taken control of the city. Where would you be now?"

Beads of sweat form on Caleb's forehead. He apparently doesn't like where this is going. "I… Beatrice, I don't know… Who can possibly tell?"

"I can," I say firmly. "You would be at Erudite. At Jeanine's side. Impressing everybody with your intelligence and gaining more and more knowledge each day in an environment that allowed you to do so. Maybe you would be saddened by my death, maybe you would even feel some remorse, but you would justify your actions to the end of your days. And if mom and dad died in the process of Erudite gaining power – which they likely would? Then you would justify that, too. Because it was all necessary for you to be able to stay where you wanted to be. You only admit to have done something wrong because it didn't work out. Because you were caught and made to account for your deeds. That's not the same as truly understanding that you behaved wrongly."

Tears flow down his cheeks now. My words hurt him, but he has to hear them. He has to know.

"I don't blame you for being a good Abnegation son. And I don't blame you for choosing Erudite. Our society was built on one freedom only, the freedom to choose between the factions. You made use of that when you could, as I also did. But everything after that, Caleb… You betrayed me, betrayed our family, betrayed everything you had claimed to believe in for over sixteen years. And for what? Recognition? Power? You let the greed of the Erudite take hold of your heart and you became first and foremost selfish. And that is not a matter of choosing between different lifestyles. It's just wrong."

Caleb continues crying. He looks at me in desperation, but I am merciless. The truth is merciless. After a long time, he asks, "Will you hate me forever, Beatrice?"

I sigh. He still doesn't understand. "I don't hate you, Caleb. You are my brother I grew up with and I love you. I don't even resent you. I don't say these things for me, I say them for you. Because you need to know the truth, because you need to face it. If you don't you will never truly be able to overcome the past."

"How can admitting to being an evil, selfish person help me overcome the past?" he cries out suddenly.

I don't answer for a long time. When I do my voice is quiet and steady. "You know, I used to think that when you forgive someone, you carry the sole burden for what they've done. Before forgiving them, you both carry that weight, but in forgiving them you relieve them of that weight and have to live with it alone for the rest of your life. Now I know how wrong I was. Forgiveness isn't about accepting a load. It's about letting it go.

"When someone hurts us, we become somehow so attached to that pain that we cling to it like it somehow defines us or our relationship with that person who hurt us. We cling to that bit of ourselves that was wounded and coddle it and pay attention to it until it seems impossible we will ever forget about it. Forgiveness means letting go of that hurt, it means letting the past be past and not bringing it with us anymore to the present or the future. Forgiveness isn't about the person being forgiven, it's about the person doing the forgiving. And I have truly and wholeheartedly forgiven you, Caleb. I feel no more hurt because of what you did to me. I only hurt when I think of what you continually do to yourself while you refuse to acknowledge the truth. It's time for you to do the most difficult: forgive yourself."

Caleb's tears have subsided. He only looks at me in wonder. I return his gaze firmly. Then he gets up and without another word he leaves my room.