Surprise!
I was sort of against posting this, but then I thought, what's the worst that could happen? Really, the worst is that I get a couple flames, and I couldn't care less about those. So what the heck.
This one is weird. Really, really, really weird. As in I really screwed with Anti-Cosmo's head and this is basically a sandbox for my insane!Anti-Cosmo ideas. Just be advised, this one's a bit disturbing. I'm serious this time, guys, I've sort of gone off the deep end with this.
Disclaimer: I don't own The Fairly OddParents, and I feel a tad guilty for not regretting what I've done to them in this particular one-shot.
Oh, and any errors with the breaks/line thingys aren't mine; the editor's being a little cranky.
18. Unexpected (Prompt 066)
Insane? Hah! I'm not insane. Perhaps my brilliance comes across as madness, but I can assure you, I'm completely stable when it comes to mental health. What's in my hand? Oh, that's simply my sword. Does come in handy when one needs to behead another, I find.
I'm kidding of course, I was just going to put this away.
May I offer you a cup of tea? I don't keep coffee around, you know. No? Suit yourself, I suppose. Anyway, why are you here? I've not done anything to arouse the suspicions of the police, not lately. You're obviously not a reporter, so there's really just one option left: you're curious. Hm, I haven't had one of you buggers show up at my doorstep for months.
You're interested in my story, are you? Well, if you insist. Please, do sit down, help yourself to some tea. This may take a while.
It all began one night, one terrible, terrible night. It was the kind of night humans children dread: a storm was brewing, the loud rumbles actually shook the castle if I'm remembering correctly. The Anti-Big Wand had lost all power, rendering the world dark and gloomy; even more so than usual.
Not that any of this really bothered me, of course. I'm an anti-fairy, and we love darkness and evil. Thunderstorms are our favourites.
Anyway, Anti-Wanda, having been terrified of anything loud, was in a state of panic. Like a good husband, I was searching for her. She had fled from the living room at the first strike of lightning, much to my irritation.
There I was, floating down the hallway in silence, when the lighting flashed and the outline of . . . something was revealed, if only for a moment.
"Anti-Wanda?" I had called, quite foolishly. Thunder boomed in the distance, and I distantly realised that the storm was getting closer
There was no reply, so I floated closer. The lightning struck again, illuminating the hallway, but there was no figure to be seen. This was odd: the hallway was too long for them to have flown away, and there were no doors except for the ones at either end. It was impossible to have anti-poofed away, as I would have heard the noise and seen something, but what? Who was in my castle?
I shook my head. Stop jumping to conclusions.
Perhaps I was imagining it?
No, I was sure that I had seen something.
Again, the thunder pounded, making me jump ever so slightly. I was so ridiculous back then; a simple noise spooked me. Hah, those were the days. I floated down the hall, and eventually reached the door, opening it with a simple twist of my wrist. When I flung open the door, it collided with something, probably the wall, creating a loud slamming sound.
I flinched, a fact I'm not proud of now. Why, oh why was I such a weakling back then?
With a wince, I turned to my left and continued my search.
It would take about half an hour, but eventually I'd come across someone.
I had been wandering down a corridor, wand in hand, when a soft groan came from in front of me. The voice . . . it sounded somewhat familiar, but I couldn't place it. To this day, I haven't a clue who that person was. It doesn't matter, anyway.
Again, a moment of stupidity got the better of me. "Anti-Wanda?" I called once more. Ah, if only my idiotic fagiggly gland hadn't gone good, I would have retained all of my genius. Alas, it was not to be.
But I'm getting off track again. I'm not sure what the other said in response, and my memory goes a tad fuzzy after this. I seem to remember a flash, a scream, and then everything goes dark. I assume something—someone—must have knocked me out.
When I woke, there were two bodies, both dead, at my feet. One of the two was, regretfully, Anti-Wanda's, the other, Anti-Juandissimo's. God only knows what the scoundrel was doing in my home. I haven't the slightest idea as to what happened while I was out, though I assume that Anti-Juandissimo was responsible for everything. It is the only explanation.
For days, I remember thinking everything was just a dream. I zipped around the castle, frantically trying to find something to do, something to occupy my mind for just a few more minutes. So what happened, you ask? I'm not quite certain myself. I suppose I simply accepted the truth one day, and that was that. Life moved on.
What was that noise? Ugh, the doorbell. If you'll excuse me for a moment . . .
I'd like you to meet Doctor Anti-Iyssa Lecter. Anti-Iyssa, this is just another one of the curious ones, don't be alarmed. Before you ask, yes, I'm sure they're not a reporter, I told you, I can recognise those fools.
Don't mind her, she's always been a tad paranoid.
Now, who's up for a spot of tea?
(You might want to run, stranger. I don't know who you are or what you know about my patient, but despite what he says, he's quite dangerous. He's killed before, and from what I've seen, he ain't afraid to do it again.
There's something gone wrong in his head, perhaps from his fagiggly transplant. Nobody knows for certain, just like nobody knows when it started. He just slowly began to go mad. Spontaneous verbal outbursts, irrational anger at littlest things, and eventually, he was diagnosed with something no fairy or anti-fairy's ever had before. The humans call it Dissociative Identity Disorder, or DID, which is really just fancy-talk for saying—)
Ah, see Anti-Iyssa, I knew you'd warm up to our guest. They were just asking about, well, you know. Hm, but sometimes I do wonder exactly what happened after I blacked out, and why Anti-Juandissimo didn't just kill me as well. Perhaps he thought I was already dead? Oh well, I suppose we'll never know. Would like to know how he died though, ignorant bloke.
Oh, the stranger has to get going? Why? Am I boring you? You should be honoured that I even chose to talk to you instead of slamming the wretched door in your face! Who do you think you are, talking to me like I'm some sort of—
Er, my apologies, for some reason my temper occasionally gets the better of me. Your coat is still in the foyer, where you left it. I'll see you out. Anti-Iyssa, please don't let your tea steep too long whilst I'm gone; you know how it irks your taste buds and makes you cranky. You're not very pleasant when you're cranky, trust me.
But anyway, back to you. I do hope you've gotten what you came for, if you came for something at all.
Pardon?
No, I've already told you—I'm completely sane.
Of course I'm sure! You cannot think that I would make this up? Hmph. You don't see me running around, pointing at an imaginary dog, yelling, "your mother sleeps with cats!" Now do you?
That's enough questioning about our mental health, thank you.
Did you not hear us correctly? We said that was enough! Enough! We're not insane, there's nothing wrong with us, so just cease your ridiculous line of questioning, because we refuse to even consider that we're not sane, because we are sane.
We don't make threats, we make promises. And we promise that if you continue with this we'll kill you.
Yes, that did escalate quickly. Whose fault is that? Not ours. It's your fault. All your fault. Oh why, why must we be the only superior minds in a universe filled with idiots? It's so taxing on our nerves, you know.
We? Did I say we? I meant I, of course. You know how it is.
. . .
That's it.
We're—I'm done with you.
(I told you not to provoke him, stranger. Alright, well, I'm telling you now. Don't provoke him.
Oh, yes, what I was telling you earlier. Well, Anti-Cosmo's got split personalities. His first one, the "normal" one, doesn't have a clue about the other one, and only remembers blacking out whenever the other takes control, but the second, the deadlier of the two, knows about everything. He's ruthless, cruel, even for an anti-fairy. Doesn't give a damn about anything.
What's he going to do to us? Hah, I don't know.
Whatever it is, I just hope it's over quickly.)
Oh, hello there! I see the good doctor has told you about my little "problem". Ah, you don't know what it's like, living with this moron inside my head all the time. Luckily, there are fools like you out there that get him angry, get him frustrated, and let me come out to play. Anyway, I've tinkered and fiddled with some things, but haven't had anyone to test my little toys on! Thank goodness you've come along.
You . . . what? Did I kill them? What kind of question is that? Evidently, their deaths were by my hand. A fool could see it. Hah, I wish I could tell my other self about their deaths. I'm sure he'd be shocked to know he killed his own wife and her ex-boyfriend. Oh, I'm just so evil, am I not?
Now, onto the games!
A/N: This is where it begins to get a little creepy. Do read with caution.
Does it hurt, the way the rats nibble at your skin? Does it make you shudder? How does it feel, to know that you're being eaten alive?
Hush, don't speak. Those questions are rhetorical, of course. We know you're in pain, and can see you are shaking. As for the feeling, well it's obviously unpleasant, to feel those little animals tearing you apart piece by piece. They've been starving for weeks, you know. I've kept them on very strict diets, so they'll be glad to have a nice meal. It's so nice of you to offer to feed them yourself. Hah, do you see what I did there?
Don't be alarmed. We're all going to die one day, I'm simply speeding the process up a bit.
You should be thanking me. Now you'll never have to face that world again. That terrible, cold world that will chew you up and spit you out without a second thought. Horrid, is it not? You're one of the lucky ones that haven't become completely tangled in the poison web of society. So . . . lucky . . .
I wasn't one of the lucky ones. No, not at all. Nobody understands a lunatic, except for the lunatic themselves. The other guy in my head doesn't get it either, sadly. He's too good, too kind for an anti-fairy. We're meant to be ruthless, cold, we're evil! Why does nobody understand this? It's maddening—no pun intended. Nobody understands, they're all just too nice.
It seems to me like no one realises how important I am to the world. Without evil, there's no good. We need both, otherwise the world would fall into disorder. Too much good, and we become weak, unable to tolerate even the smallest of infringements. Too much evil, and we descend into chaos, wherein even the best of the worst cannot be guaranteed safety. Someone would end up blowing everything sky-high, I'm sure. Then we'd all be screwed.
Aw, isn't it cute when they nibble on your nose? Well, I suppose it might hurt a little, but it's adorable either way. Makes me gag. I never could tolerate anything "cute".
A/N: Alright, the uber-weird part is over.
You know, you never did tell me your name. It was unneccessary, as I already knew it.
Ah, Wanda, how did you escape death's clutches? I'd have thought you'd be dead within minutes of my killing Anti-Wanda.
You don't know? No, of course you don't; you're a fool. Why would you know anything about the circumstances allowing your life to continue? It would be a waste to tell you now, though. Perhaps you'll figure it out on your own. I certainly don't have to time nor patience to go through it with you and your tediously slow mind.
Oh, there we go. You're so very close to death now, an acrobat on the highwire. Oh, how I envy you.
You're probably wondering why I don't just take my own life? The answer is simple. That's the coward's way out. I'm not coward. Cruelty is not the same as cowardice, no matter what your little heros might say. It takes courage to be as ruthless as I.
Now hush, let death wrap its wings around you. It shall carry you away, up, up, up into the sky, where you shall be safe from the horrors of this world. You're welcome, Wanda. Though you may not see it now, I'm doing you a favour. I'm setting you free. You'll be free, the chains of life removed from your body.
I am too kind to you, setting you free.
Hush, don't make a noise.
Close your eyes.
Listen.
Can you hear it?
Can you hear the song of the dead?
It's there, if you listen for it.
You must listen closely, now. Concentrate, and stop crying, for evil's sake!
Yes, there it is.
Do you know my favourite nursery song?
Ring around the rosy, pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes, we all fall down!
Ring around the rosy, pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes, we all fall down!
I've always loved that rhyme. So innocent when sung by a child, but the lyrics are so much more than they appear. It's about the Black Death, you know. Terrible disease, killed millions.
Ah, there we go. I can hear your breaths getting shorter. Is Mr Reaper finally coming to get you? It's about time. We've been sitting here for almost an hour, you know. Time just flies when you're having fun, doesn't it? I must say, this has been quite fun. Thank you, Wanda. I'm sorry it had to end this way, but you know what they say: every man for himself.
Finally, you've been freed. You're safe from all harm now. Do you see what I've done for you? You're so lucky, so very lucky.
For all the evil in me, I'm such a good person. Ah, well. Somebody has to make some sacrifices around here.
Oh god, this thing is just so messed up. Why am I even posting this? Bleh. It's 2564 words of completely nonsensical blabber. Oh well. I suppose I should get this up before I change my mind. I might actually take this down in a couple minutes, if I lose my nerve. *Sigh*
So, was it as weird/messed up/creepy as I thought it was?
Yeah, uh, I didn't really have a good day today, obviously. Wrote this all at once. Took a couple hours. It's nice to just write sometimes, y'know? ^_^
(Big thumbs up to those of you who noticed the People Under The Stairs reference. ;) )
I feel sort of inferior for asking for reviews, but we're getting really close to 100 . . . *hint hint*