Title: Who is Remus Lupin?

Warnings: Magical AU.

Rating: M

Artwork: Sirius x Remus ID by Sirius-x-Remus

A/N: This chapter is quite long, but I didn't want to ruin the continuity by chopping it up. As usual, it's unbeta-ed but I will give it a reread after its posted and fix things up. Enjoy!

'I don't know how much I can tell you.'

Sirius breathed deeply and switched chairs so that he was sitting beside his best friend and facing him more fully. 'James, over the past few months, I've been lied to, deceived, and manipulated into hurting the people I care for. I am sick and tired of all these secrets and of these disjointed facts not making any sense.' He clasped both of James's hands in his, his grey eyes almost begging to be trusted even though he knew he didn't deserve it. 'My only priority right now is keeping Remus safe, but I can't do that properly until I know what is going on. I need to know the truth.'

James looked at him for a while, hazel eyes slowly softening at Sirius's determination. He nodded, giving in, 'How much do you know?'

Sirius's brows furrowed as he tried to piece together everything he had gathered from staying at the Lupin home and Regulus's Intel. 'Remus and Alphard were involved in some kind of research; something called Wolfsbane.' He knew he had hit a critical mark by the way James's posture suddenly tightened. 'I don't know what it does, but a bloke named Riddle wants it badly enough to murder my uncle and torture my…' he hesitated, wondering if there was any word in the English dictionary that could describe his and Remus's relationship at that very moment, 'friend,' he concluded, though he knew it was much more complicated. James frowned, but did not pry any further. 'I know Greyback is involved somehow and now I guess, the pair of you and Dumbledore are too.'

James nodded, letting everything Sirius said sink in. 'There's more than just the three of us.'

'I don't understand.'

James got up, walking to the fridge (Lily's muggle influence, no doubt) and pulling out two bottles of Butterbeer. 'Dumbledore is gathering people, for an Order,' he started slowly, using his wand to pop open both bottles. 'Lily and I are only two of seventeen so far. He believes Riddle is going to be a rising threat in the future,' he placed the Butterbeer in front of Sirius, taking a sip from his own as he sat back down, 'the Ministry isn't taking him seriously enough but we've seen what him and his merry band of followers are getting up to: Muggle killing.' His face twisted with disgust. 'And soon it will be muggle borns, and half-bloods, and half breeds,' he looked at Sirius meaningfully, clearly indicating Remus's affliction, 'it's going to be an all-out massacre if we don't do something soon. Voldemort, that's what he's calling himself now. His followers, purebloods like us, calls themselves the Death Eaters. Greyback is one of them.'

'And Remus?' Sirius asked, knowing full well where the boy's allegiance lay but needing reassurance.

'One of us,' James confirmed, taking a long swig from his bottle. 'Alphard was working on Wolfsbane long before we approached him. It's a cure for lycanthropy or perhaps, more of a control mechanism. It allows the afflicted wizard to keep his mind during the transformation, so that he is nothing but a man in a wolf's body.' Sirius had heard of research being done in the Ministry for better Class Eight creature control, but had no idea so much progress had been made, much less by his uncle. 'The possibilities with such a cure are endless; most werewolf killings are accidental, werewolves become blood thirsty animals during a full moon and have no control over whom they attack. Locking them up to avoid other's harm mean potentially exposing the werewolf to its own wrath, it either kills others or kills itself. Those that survive cannot bear the loss of their humanity every month and eventually take their lives in their human state.' James's voice was sympathetic, just as it had always been even during their school days when he argued with Sirius that magical creatures were often misunderstood and mistreated. It was a merit to how good a man his friend truly was. 'Allowing a werewolf a human conscience would solve at least part of the problem, but also creates a new one. Voldemort will be able to raise an army of wolves that can be controlled and targeted to kill exactly the people he wants.'

Sirius sucked in a deep breath, taking a sip of his Butterbeer as he contemplated the implication of such power. A werewolf had a hundred times the strength of a normal wizard and very little magic could penetrate its thick hide in a transformed state. In war, they would be the ultimate weapon: enough human to strategise its attack and enough beast to kill. 'So Alphard refused to give it to Riddle?' he asked, circling the rim of his bottle with his thumb.

James shook his head. 'Alphard never finished it and he refused to give it to anyone if he ever did. Wolfsbane was originally a project under the Ministry but they soon lost interest in it, and stopped funding it when little progress was being made. One can only guess why Alphard continued working on it even afterwards, but he told Dumbledore he had his own personal reasons for developing it and it had little to do with the war that was supposedly brewing.' Remus, Sirius realised. Alphard's motivation was probably Remus, as difficult as it was for Sirius to admit to such a thing. 'It's an ideal negotiation piece; if we can make allies of the werewolves early on using Wolfsbane as incentive, it puts us in a good position when things turn sour.'

Sirius hummed, feeling overwhelmed as the puzzle pieces slowly clicked into place and everything he'd been confounded over for the past few days, finally started to make sense.

'Remus protested on behalf of us while Alphard was alive and offered to finish it after he died.' James continued, 'I was the one communicating with him until recently through Muggle telephone – it's the only form of communication that hasn't been tapped by Riddle's followers yet. He was supposed to have finished the Wolfsbane last week, but he never contacted us. That's how we knew he was missing.' His hazel eyes hardened. 'We need this, Sirius. The war isn't getting any easier to win. We need Remus.'

James was about to say more when they heard Lily walk down the staircase. 'He's still unconscious,' she announced, rolling her sleeves down. 'He had serious silver burns on his hands which will take some time to heal, but there's nothing life threatening.' She smiled reassuringly as she joined them at the table, sitting on Sirius's other side. 'I've asked Dumbledore to give him some time to rest before we bombard him with questions.' She smiled kindly and Sirius was truly grateful for her.

'Sirius, you don't think he's told your mother anything, do you?' James asked nervously. He looked up towards the stairs, as if expecting Remus to be striding down. 'You told me he was in there for a week. He-'

'He hasn't told her anything, I'm sure,' Sirius cut in firmly. 'Look at the state of him, James, he was willing to die with that goddamn secret.'

'I just hope he's in the right state of mind when he wakes up,' Lily expressed, her green eyes worried. 'Things like this take more of a toll on the mind than the body.'

'Alphard, we have to help them!' Remus screams for what feels like the hundredth time as he follows the wizard stubbornly out of the lab. 'Alphard! If Professor Dumbledore is right about Riddle, then there is a war coming and many people will lose their lives! Alphard, listen to me!'

'No, Remus,' Alphard warns sternly, turning on his heel to face him, 'you will listen to me! It is bad enough that Dumbledore has dragged us this far! He's endangered our lives by simply approaching us; and now, every single party involved in this goddamn war is going to try and get their hands on the Wolfsbane.' His grey eyes swirl with anger and fear, as he holds Remus by the shoulder. 'Giving Dumbledore the Wolfsbane is going to start a spiral that will only go downwards for you and me, do you understand?'

'There are lives at stake here!' Remus protests, willing Alphard to understand, just for once.

'I don't care about those lives!' Alphard screams, much to Remus's shock. It is a statement so unlike the man he knows that he has a hard time believing that the man in front of him is really the man he loves. 'I care about a life. Just one. And I will not allow anyone or anything to put that life into jeopardy.'

Remus blinks, still too shell shocked to speak. Is Alphard prioritising his own life over everyone else's? He has never imagined the older man to be so selfish; it is a mistake surely. The anger is addling his brain, perhaps, and he cannot think clearly. 'I don't care,' Remus replies shakily, pushing Alphard's hand off his shoulders. 'I don't care what you think. I'm going to give it to them when it's finished. This Wolfsbane is as much mine as it is yours and I'm going to do the right thing by it.'

Alphard grits his teeth. 'Do not forget your place here, Remus.'

Remus looks back, his eyes challenging as he growls, 'Remind me.'

It is the wrong thing to do – defying Alphard when he is clearly angry and Remus finds this out when cruel, cruel words slip out of the man's mouth, sounding so very foreign. 'You are a werewolf and a replaceable test subject in my lab. You are a refugee that has been thrown out of your own home and guest in mine. You are here today because I am allowing you to be. And you are to remember that before you feel you have the authority or the position to defy me or touch my work.' He turns his back to him and waves him away as if Remus is nothing but an annoying fly. 'This conversation is over. Go back to your room.'

It hurts. The way Alphard speaks so dismissively feels like a silver bullet to the heart but Remus also knows that the man is being purposefully hurtful to ward him off the topic. But he is nothing if not persistent and stubborn, and it is fuelled by his anger over Alphard's cruelty. 'Stop treating me like a child!' He pulls Alphard by the arm to face him and when that doesn't work, he moves to trap the man so that he has no choice but to look Remus in the eye. 'You cannot tell me what I can and cannot do; you don't have reign over me! I don't need your permission to make my decisions, so this time, rather than asking you, I'm telling you: I'm giving the Wolfsbane to Dumbledore.'

This time, neither of them look away, furious amber against darkening grey. From the corner of his eye, Remus notices Alphard's right hand twitch, but his anger has boosted his confidence and he thinks nothing of it. Later, he thinks it is almost calculative the way Alphard's hand rises and strikes exactly how Lyall Lupin's had. It hits him in the cheek and is so forceful that it knocks him off his feet. It doesn't bleed; however, it brings terror into Remus's soul as he sees visions of his father's foot pressing into his ribcage. Tears spring to his eyes and for the first time, Alphard makes no motion to wipe them or comfort him. He looks down at Remus and his face is impassive, with only an imperceptible flicker of remorse when amber eyes look up at him full of betrayal and disbelief.

'You will give nothing to Dumbledore,' Alphard says in a shaky voice, averting his eyes.

He does nothing to stop Remus when he runs past him and out of the house.

'Hey, Lily told me you were awake,' Sirius closed the door behind him, but did not move any closer, unsure as to how badly Remus would react to him. The boy was currently sitting sideways on the window sill, his legs folded at the knees and his bandaged hands on his lap in between. The side of his head rested against the glass and his eyes did not move from their downcast position, even as Sirius tentatively drew closer to him. 'I'm glad you're feeling better now and-' he swallowed heavily, wishing Remus would say something. '-and I'm sorry. I let jealousy and stupidity get the better of me, and I know there is no excuse on this planet that I can give you that would justify my actions. But I am sorry, so, so sorry, and I understand if you hate me or-'

'I don't hate you.'

It was said so softly that Sirius wasn't sure if he heard properly. 'You don't?'

Remus shook his head, amber eyes sliding upwards to finally meet grey. 'I don't hate you.' He smiled and it was crooked and kind and everything Sirius loved about him. 'I'm here – safe, because of you. It would be unkind of me to continue hating you after you've sacrificed so much to help me.' He looked back out the window, though hints of his smile remained in the corners of his lips. 'Thank you.'

Sirius trembled with a sudden and overwhelming wave of emotion, as all the scenarios he had played out of Remus screaming at him or throwing things at him fell to dust. It was so very Remus – kind, understanding – and yet so unexpected to Sirius, who was more accustomed to violence and anger being directed at him. 'Can I- can I hug you?' he asked, his whole body nearly falling into Remus with relief when the boy nodded. He held the sandy blond tightly, wondering if it was possible to love anyone more than he did Remus right that very moment. 'Thank you,' he whispered, pressing a small kiss to the werewolf's cheek before parting. He smiled when Remus moved his feet to make space on the window sill, sitting down almost too eagerly and nearly falling over. 'Are you sure you're feeling better?' he asked unsurely, now that he could see the sandy blonde more clearly and was beginning to notice the heavy bags under his eyes and the sallowness of his skin. 'You should really sleep more.'

'I'm all right,' Remus replied with a weak smile. 'Sleep hasn't been very kind to me lately.'

Lily mentioned he'd been waking up with nightmares frequently, most of the time screaming or sobbing. 'James told me about the Wolfsbane and the Order,' Sirius said, not wanting to pry. 'Is it okay, to give it to them, when Uncle Alphard was so opposed to it?'

Remus shrugged. 'It's the right thing to do.'

'It is,' Sirius agreed, placing a hand on Remus's foot, his fingers running over the bare skin of his ankle. 'Alphard would have understood.'

It was meant to sound reassuring, but some part of Remus must have found it patronising instead, as the werewolf first grimaced then burst into harsh laughter. 'No, he wouldn't have.' He touched his right cheekbone, thumb tracing an imaginary pattern on his skin. 'He would have hated me, but then, I think he'd hated me all along.'

A part of Sirius knew he was being inappropriate, but he felt the need to ask, 'Remus, did Alphard ever…' he took a deep breath, '…take advantage of you? I wouldn't judge you if he did and you were young when you-'

'Alphard never laid a hand on me,' Remus interrupted defensively, before deflating under Sirius's gaze. 'We were never together.'

Sirius frowned. 'I don't understand.'

'I was Alphard's lab rat,' Remus began, resting his head on his knees with a resigned sigh. 'Alphard first started his work on Wolfsbane five years ago, but he could not exactly develop a cure without testing how effective it was on an actual werewolf.' He did not meet Sirius's eyes, as if ashamed to even be admitting to it. His eyes steadily looked out the window and the midnight sky. 'I had very little say in it, but I didn't argue against my parents' wishes. I never did back then because I was afraid that they couldn't cope with any more baggage from me. I was a disappointment to them in every way: a son instead of a daughter the day I was born, a werewolf instead of a son at the age of five, and a monster instead of a wizard at age eleven.' He laughed bitterly and Sirius felt he could relate perfectly. 'Alphard was the first to ever see me as someone with value, even if it was as a nothing but a lab rat. I'd never meant anything to anyone before him…'

Sirius placed a comforting hand on Remus's head, fingers tangling in sandy locks and massaging softly when he was rewarded with a weak smile.

'I was this annoying little child that followed him everywhere. I started helping around the lab to get closer to him and spend more time with him. I took an interest in potions and research, constantly trying to impress him and gain praise from him – a pat on the back, a hug, little presents like a bar of chocolate or a book I really wanted – I'd never felt more happy than when I was with him. I confessed to him when I was sixteen.'

'Is that why you moved in with Alphard?'

Remus shook his head. 'Alphard told my parents.'

'Why?' Sirius exclaimed, shocked.

'To discourage my infatuation with him and have my parents talk some sense into me,' Remus explained with a roll of his eyes. 'He didn't think my father would break two of my ribs as a result.'

'Oh.' Sirius didn't know what else to say. His mother had rarely resorted to physical punishments with him, but he understood from experience that there was very little that could be said to offer comfort.

'I ran to Alphard's and he kissed me that night for the first time, after I begged him like the slut my father told me I was.' Remus laughed bitterly, before choking back a sob. 'After that he never touched me again.'

'Why?'

Alphard rubs his face tiredly. 'Remus, please, I don't want to have this conversation with you again.'

Remus strides in front of the man so that grey eyes can no longer avoid his so blatantly. 'You kissed me last night.'

'And I apologise for that! Alphard exclaims, again trying to avoid him by moving away and busying himself with the dishes in the sink. He makes sure he stands in a corner so that Remus cannot ambush him. 'It was a moment of weakness on my part and as an adult, I should have had better control. I'm sorry.'

'Why?' Remus bangs the countertop with his fist when Alphard does not answer. 'You have feelings for me, so why apologise for them. I've already told you again and again, that I love you! Alphard, are you listening?' He wants to kick him and scream, but the older man remains infuriatingly calm, making Remus feel more and more like a child throwing a tantrum. 'I love you!'

'And I've told you that you're confused,' Alphard replies calmly, drying the last of the dishes and putting them back in the cabinet. 'You're not old enough to understand the implications of what you're saying.' He turns and places a warm hand at the nape of Remus's neck and despite being tall for his age, Remus feels incredibly small under Alphard's gaze. 'Right now, it feels like you're in love with me because I'm the person you're around the most and perhaps the first person who has accepted you as you are. But there are other people out there, Remus, who are just as open minded and who will love you unconditionally. You have to give yourself time to meet them.'

'I don't want anybody else,' Remus replies stubbornly, his hand sliding over Alphard's wrist to keep him close. He rests his cheek against the older man's palm, as he looks up at him through his eyelashes. 'I've met other people, Alphard; you of all people know that. I'm not coming to you as some blushing virgin or as a child that you've somehow ensnared. I am in love with you.'

Alphard sighs, his thumb stroking Remus's cheek gently. 'For a man my age, Remus, falling in love is an irreversible task. There's no going back from it and there's no recovering from the heartbreak that is sure to happen in a relationship with a person who isn't old enough to know what he wants yet.' When Remus looks like he is clearly going to argue, Alphard puts a hand over his mouth, reducing his protests to nothing but mumbles. He sighs, closing his eyes tightly as he presses a gentle kiss to the crown of Remus's head. 'A compromise then,' he concedes finally and the words come out of him forced, as if he does not want to say it. 'I want you to wait till you're eighteen – just two more years, and if you still think you love me, I won't fight it anymore.'

Remus pulls Alphard's hand over his mouth with both of his, his wide amber eyes hopeful. 'You promise?'

'I promise.'

'I was relentless. I did everything to prove the sincerity of my feelings: I gave up sex with other men and focused solely on him. I incorporated myself into his life seamlessly, so that he became used to me. I reminded him, almost tauntingly, every day that my feelings hadn't changed.'

Sirius hummed, not meeting Remus's eyes as his thumb continued to rub circles over Remus's ankle and then followed the thin tendons that extended to his toes. Perhaps, like his uncle, he could not look past the age gap or the conservative teachings he grew up with, but he genuinely believed that Alphard had done the right thing, no matter how painful it was for Remus.

'I was a fucking idiot,' Remus cursed himself. 'Not once did I think that perhaps Alphard might not love me the same way. I was so cocky and full of myself, and he'd always indulged my whims to the point that I'd become arrogant. The night he died, we had a huge row about the Wolfsbane.' He touched his cheek again, 'He hit me.'

Sirius drew a sharp breath. 'Why?'

Remus smiled tightly. 'He'd had enough of me – just like my parents, like the townspeople, like you.' He laid a reassuring hand over Sirius's when the dark haired boy looked away with guilt. 'I got drunk that night. Very, very drunk, and I must have said something about being gay and in love with Alphard. I got into a brawl and I was passed out in a drunken alley until morning. Everyone blames me for it, but believe me, I didn't know. I didn't know they would come for him.' Amber eyes welled up with tears as his fingers tightened around Sirius's. 'I promise you, I didn't know.'

'I know,' Sirius said softly, his lips tilting in a hesitant smile. He squeezed Remus's fingers one last time before letting go.

A comfortable silence fell between them, as Sirius continued to massage the heels of Remus's feet, now on his lap, and Remus looked pensively out the window. There was a sadness still lingering in those amber eyes, and Sirius, never very good with emotions but not any less empathetic, timed his breath with the other boys so that they were in sync. He wasn't sure how it helped, but somehow felt closer to the sandy blonde in the knowledge that their hearts now beat as one. He leaned his head against the window pane, grey eyes admiring the soft shadows of Remus's face and the way his eyelashes fluttered delicately. Sandy blond hair curled around his ears and thin pale fingers rose to push them back. Sirius hadn't even realised he was staring until Remus spoke again.

'I think he was hoping I would grow out of it.'

Sirius blinked, trying to snap out of his daze.

'Sometimes, your perception of a person gets clouded by all the happy memories you had with them and the way you wanted to see that person, rather than the way they really were. But a Dementor strips away all that from you and you're left with nothing but the harsh truth.' Remus licked his dry lips and looked up at Sirius. 'The truth is that Alphard never really loved me.'

Dark brows furrowed together. 'He left you everything he owned - his home, his money and his research.'

Remus laughed hollowly, running his hands through his hair and then burying his face in between his knees. 'He left me a lab, funding, and his research, so that I can finish the work he started.'

Sirius didn't know what more to say and a part of him did not want to argue for a relationship he still disapproved of, no matter how little he agreed with Remus. There was evidence contrary to it: after all, James himself had mentioned that Alphard had been developing the Wolfsbane for personal reasons and his uncle had also not chosen any other beneficiary but Remus for is inheritance. It was a lot of kerfuffle for a "lab rat" if Sirius were to be asked.

'Listen, he started instead, 'I know this is probably the wrong time to be telling you this, but I never really understood tact and decorum.' He was glad when Remus let out a genuine laugh, the corners of his eyes crinkling. 'If Alphard was right about anything, it's that as you go along in life, you will find people who love you unconditionally. Well, not people - person. Me. I love you.' Sirius blushed brightly, wondering why a confession that sounded so suave in his head came off so ridiculous in speech. He looked up at Remus shyly and was surprised to see Remus looking a shocked over his admission. It was certainly not the first time Sirius had told him of his feelings. 'I love you,' he repeated, just to make sure Remus understood. 'So whenever you feel like you can move on to, you know, younger more energetic men,' he dodged a playful swat to the head, 'I'm here.'

He smiled and pressed his lips to Remus's foot in adoration and worship. 'I'm always here.'

PLEASE REVIEW! ^_^

Guest: Well, things are much happier in this chapter so I hope it brightened up your day!

Ali Baba: Thank you so much! Things will definitely start to make more sense now, so do watch out for the next plot heavy chapters! :D