Hola Compadres!
In these last few chapters, a lot is happening in short snippets of time, so I apologize if you feel like time is taking forever to pass… hopefully you DON'T feel that way, but I say that just in case… haha :) I hope you are, in fact, enjoying every moment :)
Thank you to those who have taken the time to follow this story or review it! Please keep 'em coming! Ya'll are epic!
Also, I just started a blog for my fics! Check it out! www dot tumblr dot com / blog / newsongfics (no spaces). Feel free to ask questions, browse the content, ask questions, leave feedback, etc. J
Disclaimer: HG is Susanne Collins', not mine… this is just a fun little spin on it.
After a few more hours of running and resting, running and resting, Peeta and I have hopefully put enough distance between ourselves and the place that we once called home to be safe. For the last couple of hours, I've been keeping an eye out for a place to camp out for the night. At first, I became extremely frustrated with the constant forestry. Tree after tree after tree. Nothing to take shelter in. Personally, I wouldn't mind strapping myself into a tree for the night, but I know Peeta would not be as comfortable with that, especially with his injury. Besides, we need a place that is hidden from both roaming hovercrafts and wandering soldiers, just in case.
As the sun begins to move closer to the horizon and the sky darkens at an alarming rate, I finally spot a rocky area to my right that has potential. It has plenty of foliage to cover any signs of our presence from spying eyes in the sky, and if we can quickly find a rocky overhanging, a cave, or something along those lines, we may be able to effectively camouflage it so that anyone passing by on foot will be oblivious to our camp.
"Peeta," he startles slightly at the sound of my voice. We haven't been very social at all these last few hours. Both of us weigh heavy with grief and anger and fear. I don't talk because I don't know what to say, and I don't know how to comfort Peeta nor myself. Not only that but my heart is consumed with guilt. I no longer feel worthy of Peeta's company. I'm afraid that he will leave me because of my stupidity which cost both of us everything. "Sorry, I just need you to help me find shelter. Do you see those rocks over to the right? We need to find somewhere to hide in there before night falls. If we have time, we should hide it from view."
He nods. No response. He probably hates me right now. But I can't focus on that. Shelter. We need shelter.
After only a few minutes of searching, Peeta finds a small space between several large rocks which are embedded into a hill. The entrance is extremely narrow. Peeta barely manages to squeeze his upper body between the rocks. I, on the other hand, slide through easily. The easiest means of concealment is to add more rock, so Peeta and I both find a nearby bolder to slide up against the entrance, trapping ourselves inside.
It's not much. There's just enough space to lie down side by side, but there will be no standing up in here. The top of the rock is only a couple inches from our heads when we are sitting, but at this point, comfort is not the priority. As the adrenaline fades, my body aches from the physical and emotional rigors of the day. I have begun to feel the bruising and soreness on my jaw, where the Peacekeeper hit me. It's going to be a long night.
"Let me see your knee," I command. He pulls back his pant leg and reveals a bulge of gauze. I unwrap it and find-to my relief-it has stopped bleeding despite all the physical exertion Peeta has put it through today. I clean the wound again, refusing to let infection set in. After, I make use of several butterfly-looking band aids to serve as make-shift stitches. Finally, I wrap it up in clean gauze and pray that it'll heal quickly.
When I finish packing up the first aid supplies, Peeta shatters my previous notion that he hates me by gently grabbing my hand and lifting it to his lips. "Thank you," he says softly.
"It's nothing. You need sleep. I'll take first watch."
"Katniss, there's no point in keeping watch. We are trapped in here. There's no way anyone will see us," he replies.
"Better safe than sorry," I say, refusing to meet his gaze.
He takes my hand and pulls me down towards him. "Come on, Katniss. We both need a full night of sleep."
I wrench my hand from his grip, and even though I won't look at him, I already know that my action has hurt him. I can't keep hurting him. I just can't. I look him in the eyes and decide to figure something out.
"Why are you doing this?" I ask, frustrated.
Peeta looks shocked and confused by my question. "Doing what?"
"Why do you still care about me? I killed your family. How could you still give a damn about me?"
"What are you talking about Katniss? You didn't kill anyone!" he responds, still confused.
"I might as well have..." I mumble to the side.
As soon as I finish speaking, his hand firmly yet gently pulls my face into alignment with his. "Stop. Katniss, stop it right now. Get those lies out of your head. You did nothing wrong. I do not blame you for anything that happened today. That guilt rests solely on the shoulders of President Snow and the Capitol. Do you understand that?" His tone is firm, almost angry, but not. I'm sure my expression is priceless. I wasn't expecting that kind of reaction at all. "I love you, Katniss. You are everything, all I have, all I need. Nothing will ever change that, so you need to hurry up and let that sink into your thick skull, okay?" he says that last part with a sweet smile and a twinkle in his eyes.
I know that look. Though, it's been a long time since I've let myself see it with everything that's been happening. He really does love me. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why. I don't deserve him at all.
He pulls me closer to him and kisses my cheek. I don't return the kisses or touches. I'm afraid of where it might lead. And I still can't let myself believe I deserve his affection in any form. Maybe if I ignore it all, he will stop.
He doesn't.
As if my resistance serves as a motivator, he takes my arm and begins planting soft kisses on the inside of my wrist and hand. I'm trying to ignore the butterflies and the fire exploding in my stomach. I want to love him back, but I don't deserve him.
"Peeta... stop," I say quietly.
"Why should I?" he asks in between kisses as his lips continue to trail up my arm.
I pull my arm away. "Because... I just can't."
"What, Katniss? What can't you do?" He asks, slightly frustrated.
I don't know what to say. If I tell him how I really feel, he will just blow it off and tell me how I do deserve him. I can't accept that.
"Katniss, let me in," he asks, searching my face for some explanation.
Suddenly, all the emotion I've been holding in all day, springs forth from me. My whole body begins shaking as I weep for everyone and everything I lost and for the excruciating pain I feel as the one who set it all in motion.
"I can't love you! I can't do it anymore! All I'm good at is messing everything up and hurting you!" I cry, tears racing down my cheeks. "I don't deserve you... I never have. I might've deluded myself into thinking I did at some point, but now I know..." I explain with a breaking heart.
Tears are building in Peeta's eyes as well. "Is that what you really think? That you don't deserve to be loved?" he asks.
I nod as I continue to sob and mourn and purge my heart of all its hidden grief.
"Katniss," he says, drawing nearer to me and taking my face in his hands. "Katniss, look at me." I turn to his tear-stained face. "Does anyone really deserve love? It's not a matter of being worthy or unworthy - though, I think you are absolutely worthy of every ounce of my love," he adds with a sweet smile. "Love is a gift. I don't care if you don't feel like you deserve it because I am going to keep giving it no matter what. Heck, I don't have a clue what I ever did to have you by my side. I don't deserve you. You are my dream-come-true. And I won't let you leave me. You can try, but it's not gonna happen."
With that, he plants his lips on mine and begins to kiss me with a gentleness that is all his own. I try to resist; I really do, but he keeps deepening the kiss until I have no choice but to return the favor. Soon, we are moving our lips in unison. Tears are still spilling from my eyes, but Peeta's kisses seem to help ease the pain in my broken heart. I hope my kisses are helping to heal him. It's the least I can do.
We break apart, and he pulls me into his chest and wraps his arms around me tightly. Then, he whispers in my ear, "I promise you: there is absolutely nothing you can do to escape my love."
I finally allow myself to unwind in his arms. My face feels stiff from my drying tears, and I realize that there is almost no light seeping through the slight cracks of the rocks.
"We should go to sleep," I say.
He sighs, disappointed by my subject change. "Okay, then..." He lifts me up and places me next to him, so I can lie down. I turn toward the wall and curl up. Peeta comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me protectively.
Before I close my eyes to settle into unconsciousness, I turn my head in Peeta's direction. "Peeta, I love you so much... Thank you."
As I turn back to the wall, I feel a soft kiss on the back of my neck. "I love you too, Katniss… Always."
A few seconds or minutes later - I'm not really sure - darkness consumes me as I drift into a deep sleep, safe in the arms of the one I love but don't deserve.
-
I wake with a start from the most realistic nightmare.
Prim. Mom. The Mellarks. Gone.
My fault.
Peeta...
That was horrible. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.
I slowly begin to hone in on my surroundings. Hard, rocky ground. Darkness. A smell of dirt and sweat. My breaths come short and quick. Where am I? I turn over and almost have a heart attack when I collide with muscled flesh. Someone is next to me. I shoot straight up into a sitting position gasping for air. I need air.
"Woah, woah, woah! It's okay, Katniss! It's me. It's Peeta," a voice says to my left.
Peeta. I must have woken him up. Wait, what is Peeta doing here?
That's when it all hits me.
It wasn't a dream. It is all real.
I'm living a nightmare.
Suddenly, the pain is overwhelming. I feel myself shatter into a million pieces. Peeta tries to pull me into a comforting embrace, but all I feel are the hands of Peacekeepers holding me down, leading me to watch my family die. I fight him. I cry and choke on my own pain, and I fight. That's all I have left. Pain. Fight.
"Katniss! Katniss, snap out of it. You're safe! I'm here!" He is crying too. He is hurting just like I am.
Ignoring him, I jump up, grab my bow, and push the stone away from the entrance. I need air. I need to breathe, to be alone. There are some things that must be dealt with in solitude. As much as I love Peeta and want to be near him, I can't deny the fact that, at the present, I am emotionally conflicted when I am around him. None of that is his fault, of course. It's simply me being complicated and confused. Regardless, I think it's good for the both of us to have some space.
As I wander from our camp, I hear him call my name, but I doubt he will follow me. He knows I don't want company, and I'm sure he needs some time alone. It's still dark, so I get far enough away that he won't be tempted to look for me, and I climb a tree to be safe.
I reach the top, settle in a crook where the branch connects with the trunk, and I let myself go. My body begins shaking and convulsing from the force of the powerful sobs that take over me. I cry and cry, forever and for no time at all. I crumble into pieces, so I can try to put myself back together again.
I am no longer the Katniss Everdeen that protects and provides for my family. Oh no, they are gone forever. They are dead because of me. Because of that fact, I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost my identity. They were everything to me. What is my purpose now? What do I have to live for, if not for my family?
Family.
At that thought, the tears cease and a knowing peace sweeps over me.
I still have a family.
I feel horrible that it took me so long to realize. Peeta and the Hawthornes are as close to family as I could get without being blood-related. That's who I have to live for, to protect, to love.
Gale and his family are still trapped in Twelve. I have to do something to get them out. I can't believe we had to leave them, but there was no time. Hazelle already told me they won't leave Gale behind, so there was no sense in wasting time when I knew the answer I would receive. When we get to District 13, I will request a rescue team to save them from the increasing horrors of the Capitol in District 12.
Then there's Peeta...
I remember his words from last night:
"Love is a gift. I don't care if you don't feel like you deserve it because I am going to keep giving it no matter what... I won't let you leave me. You can try, but it's not gonna happen."
He is telling the truth. He will never let me go; he will never stop loving me, even if I resisted him forever. No matter how unworthy or guilty I feel, he won't let me bask in it. He will keep trying to make me see myself through his eyes. What really blows my mind is the fact that he feels the same way about me, that he's undeserving of my love. I can't even begin to wrap my mind around that.
In that moment, I decide that I am going to try and love Peeta as deeply as I possibly can. I do love him. Even if I don't think I deserve his love, I know that he deserves mine.
I jump out of the tree to go back to Peeta. I hope he had some time to grieve and heal.
It's still dark out. It must be early morning. I try and collect myself as I walk toward our little cavern. When I'm a few yards out, I'm struck by the unnatural silence around me. A few seconds later, a low, mechanical humming reaches my ears.
Oh no.
A hovercraft.
With all my strength, I sprint back to the opening in the rock and close us in, leaving a small crack large enough for us to peek out of.
"Katniss! You're okay! When I heard the hovercraft, I thought - I - I didn't know if - if..." he trails off, unable to finish his thought.
"It's okay. I'm fine," I say, and I give him a short kiss before we turn our attention to the issue at hand.
The humming noise is drawing nearer to where we are hidden, but it is moving rather slowly. It's searching for us.
I look out from between the rocks, and all I see are trees. Wait, there's a faint light in the distance that is growing.
"It's coming towards us," Peeta whispers. "You don't think -"
"No, they won't see us in here. With all these trees, they'll be lucky to spot anything from where they are," I reassure him as well as myself. But as the lights come closer, I start to doubt my own words. I push myself backwards, away from the opening in the rock, and Peeta follows, wrapping me in his arms comfortingly.
"Don't worry. We're fine," he whispers gently into my ear.
We stay in that position, in each other's arms, until the humming has passed over us.
"I think it's gone," he says.
"Yeah. I wonder what led them over this way," I reply.
"I'm sure they are aware of our destination. They'll have patrols searching the wilds between Twelve and Thirteen for a while. We will have to be extra careful."
"You think we can make it?" I ask.
"With your survival skills, I'm more than confident in our chances. If it was just me, on the other hand..." he teases.
I smile and roll my eyes, "What about what Darius said - 'They'll be expecting you' - or whatever? Does that mean there'll be people searching for us? I mean, our directions weren't exactly explicit... North. That's all we know. You'd think they'd give a few more details," I complain.
"I hope that - if we are found - it's by District 13... But, I would assume that we will run straight into it if we keep north. That's probably what he meant," explains Peeta.
"I hope so."
The next few minutes are filled with a pregnant silence. We both know that we didn't part ways on the best of terms earlier. Since it was mostly my fault anyways, I decide to start the inevitable conversation.
"I'm really sorry, Peeta... for earlier. I was just so overwhelmed by everything," I say as I search his eyes in the early morning darkness.
"Katniss, there's nothing to apologize for. I think we both needed some time to... think."
We both know that a lot more happened in our time of solitude than simply thinking, but maybe it's best left unsaid for now.
"I'm sorry if I ever made you feel guilty or unworthy. You are neither. To me, you're perfect," he adds.
"I think I feel those things because of myself. You didn't do anything at all that needs an apology, don't worry. To me, you are perfect. Your love always finds a way to reach me," I explain. "I love you so much," I add.
"I love you too," he responds, planting a sweet kiss on my head.
With that, I fall asleep in his strong arms.