TTWH 6
What is Merle's secret and will Daryl ever forgive him for the things he did at Woodbury? Should he forgive him?
i.
Merle had flinched inwardly but his smug smile hid it at the contempt and disgust with which Daryl had regarded him. He knew what he'd done was despicable but it wasn't like he would act like that normally. Just the pack mentality of the Governor's men had taken him over momentarily. So he reasoned with himself.
Desperate to make things right again, he cornered his brother at the makeshift canteen tent.
Put his hand on his arm but Daryl violently shrugged it off. 'Get off me. Ya disgustin'.'
'Ya gonna tell the others?' He hissed in reply, looking around nervously. 'Ya want me to leave, that it?'
Daryl looked down. 'What do ya think I am? Think I want everyone to know what my brother did? They'd look down on us even more than they already do!' Some of the group turned around to look at the raised voices but it wasn't like seeing the Dixons fighting wasn't a frequent sight.
'Keep ya fuckin' voice down.'
Daryl started to stalk off back into the forest, obviously wanting time alone to eat and apparently wanting to get away from his big brother. He was already scooping up the deer stew in one spoon and shovelling it into his mouth rapidly ase he walked.
Merle followed him even when his brother turned around and glared at him but he didn't tell him to go away.
'Glad to see ya got ya appetite back, little brother.'
Daryl gave him a filthy look but didn't say anything.
When they were out of earshot and sight of the others who probably just assumed that they were going off hunting or to work out their differences, Daryl threw down his empty bowl and rounded on him.
'Ya sick, ya know that? If ya had been high and not...not recognised me, ya would have ….have ….joined in, wouldn't ya? Don't deny it, ya sick fuck.'
'Look, Daryl, I never did that before. Never hurt a woman before I met him. Never even fuckin' killed no-one before this whole thing went down.'
'You and Dad always called me a pussy but ya know – ya the biggest pussy of 'em all. Couldn't say ''No''...'
Merle's eyes filled with a dark rage and old pain as he grabbed his brother by the throat and slammed him hard against the tree. 'They would have killed me or worse – made me into their slut if I had refused. Didn't have no choice was outnumbered. 'Sides, ya don't know nothin' 'bout it. What I fuckin' did for ya when we were kids.' He abruptly changed the subject.
Daryl rolled his eyes as he struggled to get free. Merle had him by the throat but he wasn't choking him.
'Not this again. Ya didn't do nothin' for me.'
'At least they were fuckin' adults!'
Daryl stopped struggling. 'What?'
'I fuckin' wasn't!' Merle screamed, going red.
'What the fuck ya talkin' about, Merle?' Daryl was getting worried now. Thinking maybe it was just his brother fucking with his head as usual. Trying to make him feel sorry for him and take him back.
'He...he...did it to me instead of you.' Daryl thought he was dreaming when he heard the tremble in his brother's voice.
'What?'
'Dad.' Merle's mouth twisted as he answered quietly.
'Ya fuckin' lyin', get off me.' Merle released him and took a few steps back. 'That's the sickest thing to come outta ya mouth yet, ya twisted asshole.'
'No...it's true. Didn't ever want to tell ya this. But he never touched ya, did he?'
'No, of course not! He was a violent bastard but he wasn't perverted.'
Merle smiled with relief . 'Well, he was with me. Always wondered about ya – how ya nearly jump outta ya skin if someone so much as brushes ya arm. But none of it matters 'cos I did save ya after all.'
Daryl managed to get free. 'Don't fuckin' believe ya. Ya jus' sayin' this to make me feel sorry for ya so I forgive you. Even if ya tellin' the truth, knowin' what ya did, ya still left me with him?...Yeah, right.'
'I didn't had no choice. I was gonna kill him...or he kill me. Just had to hope the bastard kept his promise – was a Dixon after all.'
Daryl stared at the single tear that was making its way down one of his brother's cheeks. Since when did Merle cry? Merle never cried. Daryl had never seen him shed one tear, not even at Mama's funeral and it terrified him. That single bead of moisture clinched it for him and he believed Merle as he reached out to to rub it away gently with his thumb and bowed his own head.
'How old?' Daryl's voice was dull, not looking up.
'Look...ya weren't ever supposed to know...'
'I asked 'How old!'' Daryl snapped.
'Don't remember 'zactly. Maybe 11...or...12 'til 15...16. 'Till I got big enough to fight him off.'
'Fuck!' Daryl slid down the tree and crouched down, wrapping his arms around his knees, hunched over. Trembling not for himself this time but his brother.
'And Mama never knew?' He asked shakily.
'Don't think so. He did it when she weren't a sly bastard. I did it for you, little brother. 'Cos he said if I didn't let him, he'd do it to you 's how much I fuckin' love ya.'
'No...no..Not for me!' Daryl screamed, shaking his head. 'Why you and not me?'
Merle crouched down, got on eye-level with him. Eyes hard and glittering.
'Look at ya, Darlena. Still more fucked-up than me.' He tried to joke, diffuse the tension. Laugh it off.
Daryl gave him a hard shove, nearly knocking him over backwards but his next words were full of tears.
'Ya knew what it felt like then. Still don't make it right what ya did.' He pressed his forehead into his knees. What had happened in Woodbury was still raw although he felt day by day that he was getting a grip on the memories. But now – his brother's revelation – no – all of his revelations just wore him down again as his shoulders started to shake. The thought of his brother going through what he'd endured from the Governor for mere days for years and when he was just a kid and at the hands of their own father was too much for him.
Despite his determination to never forgive Merle, Daryl found that he couldn't stop trembling and his breath hitching in his chest when he thought about how he must have suffered. Unbidden, other memories he'd suppressed started to come to the surface. Things he'd forgotten and had been to young to piece together at the time. Stumbling on their father and his brother in the bath together – when he got up to pee - their dad guiltily getting off from on top of him even though Merle had been a teenager – at least 13 or 14.
Other stuff – like seeing his brother's bloody underwear on his floor and how Merle had often winced slightly when he sat down after a 'punishment'. Daryl had just assumed he'd just been spanked hard on the ass.
'Ya cryin' for me, baby brother?'
'No! Fuck you, why would I cry for a perverted piece of shit like you?' Daryl lashed out at him viciously.
Yet another unbidden recollection of Dad fondling Merle discreetly – one hand down his flies while his brother stared straight ahead at the TV like nothing was happening. Daryl must have only been about 4 or 5 at that time – their Daddy must have felt safe because he was too young to understand what was going on. Also, Mama was upstairs having one of her baths with a large glass of wine which they knew always took her at least a couple of hours.
He shook his head, wondering how many of the resurfaced memories were true.
He feared - all of them and there were many more to come. Like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle suddenly coming together to form a picture the more pieces you had down.
'What happened to ya ain't an excuse for ya doin' it to others.'
Daryl was pretty sure he hadn't tried that shit with him. Pretty sure – considering he knew sometimes people repressed memories for years.
But then he suddenly softened. 'O God, Merle – I'm remembering all this shit about you and him...'When the sobs started to rip through his body and he couldn't hold them back any longer, he said quietly, 'I ...I ...do believe ya,...brother.' That's when Merle knew that he had forgiven him. In fact, it proved that Daryl would forgive him anything and even though it was Merle who should be crying but couldn't, he wrapped his arms around his baby brother. Stroked his hair and drew him to him after only a little initial resistance. So Daryl cried for him instead and Merle comforted him.
'Never wanted ya to know, baby brother. Didn't want ya to have to carry around my shit, too.' Merle kissed his tears away before pressing his lips to his forehead. 'Don't cry for me I ain't worth it. Ya know what I did under that psycho. But I did everythin' to protect ya, little Darlena and it still happened to ya just 'cos this fuckin' worthless world ended. Nothin's changed. Not for people like us.'
'Ain't true, Merle.' Daryl's breath hitched as he managed to rein his emotions back in. Looked up at him with such innocent hope. 'People like us got another chance. Jus' gotta get along with the group, is all.'
'Ya were always the sweet one. Don't know what I did all those years without ya.'
Merle kissed the top of his brother's head because he was so relieved that Daryl still loved him and wanted him around, despite the despicable things he'd done that he was willing to do anything for him.
Anything. He'd change for his baby brother. Become a better man. A good man.
'I'll do anythin' to make up for it. Ya know, when I make myself remember what I did – I feel like shit. Like he took the worst out of me and left nothin' left. Not that I'm makin' excuses, mind – layin' it all on him but the Governor had a knack for bringing out the worst in people.'
Daryl nodded – remembering the ordinary townspeople baying for his and Merle's blood like some starving pack of wolves. 'I'll do anythin' - even try to get along with those assholes ya seem to like so much.' His brother continued.
'Don't fuckin' call them that.' Daryl punched his arm – only half-playfully this time.
'Come on.' He told Merle.'We got go and get their dinner if ya still serious about getting' along with them. 'Ya'd be surprised how more understandin' and forgivin' people become once they got their bellies full.' Daryl slung his crossbow over his back and his big brother followed him into the undergrowth.
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