TTWH 13
i.
Daryl
He'd got what he wanted but it didn't stop him trying again. Like when we sat around the campfire, he'd put his arms around me but this time it was different – the way he touched me felt different. There was a new hopeful hunger in it now, probably my fault. Nobody thought anything of it, of course - he'd been like this since it happened when I'd needed it but they couldn't see him nuzzle the back of my neck –felt like my skin was burning where his teeth just barely grazed it - from where they were sitting. Or notice when he'd discretely slide one hand up the front of my shirt. He'd got a hell of a lot bolder lately and despite myself and my vow, I felt my skin begin to flush and a coil of excitement growing in my belly. Along with the sick feeling of guilt at the things we'd done.
What had I done?
'Merle!' I hissed. 'Would ya stop it? I ain't a baby.' I pushed his arms off me and stomped away. He let me go with such a frown of disappointment written all over his face that I almost turned back, feeling sorry for him. Glenn, Maggie with a few others glanced up curiously.
'Ya didn't complain before.' He snidely commented. 'Liked it then. Needed me.'
'Yeah? Well, I'm all better now!' I retorted harshly and went and sat down with them when I'd always been with my brother since he got back. Couldn't really remember much about those early days after Woodbury.
'Hi.' Glenn said almost shyly. 'Things OK between you two?'
I returned the greeting and shrugged. Maggie had one arm slung around him and I hoped I wasn't intruding but I just had to get away from Merle and his wandering hands. I knew he wouldn't follow me – wouldn't go near those two and luckily they didn't seem to mind. Were they even glad to see me?
'How's it going?' Maggie asked guardedly while still keeping hold of her boyfriend.
'Fine.' I knew what she meant – was I still having nightmares? Was I getting over things finally? But I didn't want to talk about any of that.
'Good to see you, bro.' Glenn was literally beaming as he handed me a bottle and a vague flashback that for once wasn't about them struck me then. Had he really got into bed with me? Pretended to be my brother and put his arms around me? Held me all night so that I could finally get some sleep that first night back? It was so confused and I knew I'd been drugged (and tied up- my mind whispered and I rubbed my wrists because had Rick really had me restrained?) at the time that I wasn't sure. Could have dreamt it. In any case, couldn't believe that the group would have tied me to the bed – not after what they'd done. How could they?
I shrugged all this off. I'd been in a really bad way – probably another nightmare mixed in with reality.
I chugged on the chilled beer – how had they done that? Threw back half the bottle in a couple of gulps while they stared at me before I remembered myself and slowed down. Glenn always drank slowly – couldn't seem to take the booze like we could maybe because of his foreign blood. Maggie always sipped delicately from her bottle. All the time I could feel my brother's eyes burning into me as he gulped down our whiskey all by himself. Even as I deliberately ignored him, accusing me of betraying him, preferring them to him.
What we did was wrong, Merle. All of it – we're animals, no better than them. I need some space – be with other people. Ain't natural!
But what I forgot to add in my head was that he was alone apart from me.
People were relaxed, having fun with each other and boozing when suddenly the good mood around the campfire was interrupted by piercing screams and sobs coming from the medical tent.
Merle rolled his eyes and Herschel got up to go, putting down his coke with a sigh. 'Excuse me. Beth, would ya help me, please?'
She got up and followed him. She wasn't drinking – Herschel forbade it because she was still under-age and because of their family history. Maggie, on the other hand, was allowed as much booze as she wanted.
'I wanna come too.' I got up and followed them behind the girl and they looked back at me curiously.
I shrugged. 'We need to find out who he is- one of the good guys or is he gonna bring trouble to the group?' I said in explanation. Herschel raised one eye-brow but didn't object.
As we got closer the noises that had ruined everybody's relaxing evening got louder and we could hear the stranger screaming. 'No! No...Get off me.' Just like I had. Sounded like me a short time ago.
Herschel stopped suddenly outside the tent. Must have seen the look on my face or my tremblings starting up again. 'Daryl...ya think this is a good idea, son? Might bring back stuff.'
'Yes, Daryl. We'll be fine – you don't need to come.' Beth agreed with her father.
'No.' I almost growled. 'I want to do this. Me and Merle found him – he knows my face.'
…..
We still couldn't get anything out of him, not even his name. When I told them to leave us alone together, he sighed and turned to face the other wall, giving me his back. I thought about shaking him and forcing him to look at me and answer but decided against it. Herschel had told me in confidence that the poor bastard had been used in the same way as I had and I shuddered. The last thing the man needed was someone trying to push him around. Forcing him.
'Talk to ya tomorrow and ya better have some answers.' My last parting shot before I left him. Heard him sigh. I hadn't meant to sound so harsh but it had just slipped out, apparently I still wasn't so good at dealing with people. Feeling bad about it, I went back to the bed, only intending to stroke his arm but he cringed away. 'No...please don't...' Probably sensing my shadow over him so I did nothing and backed off. Just like me, I could hardly bear anyone touching me after it happened except for Merle. Not even him at first. So I left. Zipped up the tent and shook my head at the vet waiting outside.
'Look, why don't we just let him go?' I said. 'I don't think he wants to be here.'
'Because he's still recovering. Still...(he paused) ...bleedin'.' Beth turned away as I winced involuntarily.
'Right.' I left them and made my way back to the campfire. The party had broken up, no surprise there. Found myself dragging my feet back to the tent I shared with my brother, debated whether there was somewhere else I could sleep. He was worse when he'd been drinking and since I'd opened Pandora's Box, he thought he still had another chance with me.
ii.
Merle
He came in to the tent, shoulders hunched. Even in the twilight darkness, I could see he was shaking. Badly and all I wanted to do was to hold him to make that damn trembling stop.
'Come here.' I whispered but he held back like he didn't trust me. Looked like he was going to turn around and go right back out there and he might as well have taken his hunting knife and stabbed me in the heart.
'Oh, come on, little brother. Ain't gonna do nothin', promise.'
But then he was on top of me, hands around my throat. Straddling me as he hissed, 'Fuck you.'
'Do ya wanna?' I chuckled even as he started to choke me and reached up with one hand to smooth back his hair until he went limp and let go.
'Sick fuck.' He muttered but he slumped against me then, grabbing my shirt with both hands. I continued to soothe him. I liked to think it was my dirty joke that had got him, stopped him. I'd only been half-playful.
'What ...what is it?'
'N...nothin'.' He snarled but I could feel him shaking even more and still on top of me. I reached under the back of his shirt to feel his scars with both hands. Also to stroke the smooth undamaged parts of skin. He made some incomprehensible noise deep down in his throat at that and I couldn't tell if he was protesting or if he liked what I was doing. Anyway, I couldn't stop myself from touching him or muttering, 'Ya so fuckin' damn beautiful, even with the scars. Maybe even more beautiful because of them. I know ya think he made ya ugly but that ain't what other people see, believe me.'
He whimpered when I mentioned the old man and what he did to him when he'd done much worse to me. I'd only meant did it to make him feel better but it was a stupid thing to say when I knew those bastards had given him more on his thighs – I'd seen them. Sick fucks had wanted to 'add' to the scars already there and I knew every one of the new ones. Kissed them all in turn in fact – the memory of the one time he'd let me last night was making me hard and I wondered vaguely if I would get to do it again. So, for my own sake as much as for his, I tried to change the subject since I couldn't take a ice-cold shower just then.
'Sh...sh. I know. It's the prisoner, what they did to him, bringin' it all back.' I told him, moving my hands away from his back to stroke his hair instead. He whimpered again at that and clung to me then, burrowing his head into my chest but his trembling was slowing down at last.
'This place, the group ain't doin' ya any good, Darlena. We should leave. Go somewhere where ya can forget.'
That got his attention and he looked up from chest with big blue eyes that were weepy and red, but also full of fury and determination.
'I don't wanna fuckin' forget!' He snapped. I only smiled and stroked his cheek - he was so beautiful. The contrast so startling and stunning but then that was my little brother all over – conflicted and full of contradictions all the way through.
'No, Merle.' He continued more quietly this time. 'They're good people.'
I bit back the retort on the tip of my tongue, 'Good people who left you behind with those animals...' because he needed to believe in them. Instead, I brushed his hair back on both sides instead until like a child, he laid he his head back down on my chest again.
'OK, OK...whatever ya say.' I sighed and cradled him closer. I didn't like the group, weren't my people but I'd do whatever he wanted.
I lay back and stared at the ceiling of the tent when his breathing started to slow and become regular. My arm was starting to go dead from where he was lying on it but I was worried about waking him if I tried to shift.
Looked like I wasn't going to get any sleep but I was enjoying being so close to him that I almost didn't mind.
Except how was I going to slip out and do what had to be done without him knowing?