TTWH 15

It looks like the brothers have gone beyond the point of no return in more ways than one and how is Merle going to stop Caesar from possibly exposing the despicable crimes he committed in Woodbury to the group?

Merle

i.

My brother was snoring slightly, sleeping soundly without waking up and I took it as a hopeful sign that it was all because he felt safe in my arms. He was a heavy weight pinning me down – my arm had gone dead but still I let him lie there at peace for once. I was even glad to feel a new solidness to his body – as his mind had recovered, he'd started to eat again. I'd had to literally spoon-feed him at first – he'd only take food from me at first in those early days.

As if. He knew the things I'd done in Woodbury, what I'd done to the animals who had hurt him so badly. Knew what I was capable of without regret or a look back.

He also knew the things that our own father had done to me...the unspeakable things I'd endured for him so that he wouldn't have to. Because Dad had threatened to do the same to him while he promised that he wouldn't touch him if I let him. That was until I got old enough to fight him off. The old man – always a coward at heart had backed down then. I remembered beating him almost to the point of unconsciousness, screaming at him that I wasn't going to let him do it to me any more. Daryl had cowered behind me, naturally terrified but even so, my bruised five year old brother had grabbed my arm and pulled me away, pleading with me to stop.

I think I would have killed the evil asshole – regretted that I hadn't because he'd still managed to damage my brother when I'd left him with him.

Did Daryl remember? I wasn't sure. Still, somehow, the old bastard to keep his word had paid off – Dixons kept their promises and he'd never touched Daryl that way. He'd scarred him up in plenty of other ways though. But never that.

Still, in the end, it hadn't mattered because Daryl had still suffered the same way at the hands of others. I'd spared him nothing – I'd endured our father's nightly violations all for nothing.

The bond between us was unbreakable – I knew I could catch him off guard maybe, knock him out and restrain him and take against his will and he would still forgive me afterwards. Nothing I did could ever make him stop loving me. Furious with me, demanding space from me – sure. Especially now that he knew what I'd saved him from. I could have started off with him young enough and convinced him that he liked it. The boy had been so hungry for love and affection, he would have accepted it if I'd done it right...nice and slow and got him used to it. Not like Dad with me. But I'd never do that to him, even though I'd done it to others. Adults I mean – as sick as I was, I could safely say I'd never hurt a kid.

He'd forgive me anything – even that, I knew but still I had never done that. Not through all the years of wanting him. Not to him.

Never to him.

Finally, nothing I'd done had mattered and in a moment of madness, he'd given himself to me yet the irony of it was clear to me. He'd still been hurt, tortured and forced by others. But he was bouncing back, not quite to what he was...he still flinched and cringed at loud or unexpected noises. Or startled if someone other than me touched him – even his arm.

I reached down and lay a quick kiss on his hair. He must have sensed it in his sleep because he smiled and stirred a little, burrowing closer into me.

'Fuck!' I hissed silently in my head. I needed to do what had to be done but how could I do it without waking him up. He'd try to stop me for sure.

I had to kill Caesar. He hadn't been the one to hurt my brother but he'd joined in with us 'interrogating' plenty of others. The whens and whys of why the other scumbags had turned on him -I wasn't interested. He apparently chose to pretend to not know me...or maybe he was simply too traumatised to remember or terrified of me ...after all he'd just seen how I got revenge on the animal who had hurt my brother the most...I simply didn't give a shit but he was the one apart from Daryl who could rat me out to the group. Rick and some of the others were looking for any excuse to get rid of me and keep Daryl for themselves and me being exposed as a rapist and a brutal torturer and murderer was the perfect reason. The thought that I was no better than him didn't cross my mind...he was a threat to me and he had to die.

'Daryl...' I whispered, trying to roll him gently off me. 'You're killin' my arm, baby brother.'

He mumbled in his sleep as I tried to ease him off me. 'Easy does it...' I managed to get him off me without him waking. Boy was exhausted – still slept more than 8 hours a day - not like your typical Dixon at all - when he could get it, that was. I left him to it because I knew that it was his mind trying to heal itself. The people in the camp were understanding about it and left him to sleep if their noise going about their daily business didn't wake him up.

'M...Merle?' He muttered, his eyelids fluttering.

'It's OK...I'm here.' I soothed back his hair. 'Jus' goin' for a piss.'

'Uh huh.' Don't be gone too long.' He turned his back to me to fall back to sleep without opening his eyes. I waited a minute or two for his breathing to get slow and deep before I backed out the tent. Making sure to take my hunting knife with me as I padded over to the Infirmary.

Slipped in...saw Herschel's youngest girl sleeping by the patient. Or should I say 'prisoner'?

I shook my head at the stupid joke inside my head.

'Don't matter.' I thought grimly. 'He's dead either way.'

I looked down at Beth, she really was a blonde bombshell. Young and sweet too – a virgin no doubt like her Daddy wanted her to be before married. Or maybe she was really a hot little vixen under that shy, innocent act she put on...those kind of girls – daughters of preachers and other religious folk could be the least restrained in bed. Part of the rebellion against their upbringing...I felt myself get hard but I couldn't let her blonde hair and full red lips distract me.

I looked around for her protective Daddy...or anyone else who could disturb me. No sign of him. I had her for myself.

I longed to reach down and run my fingers through her hair. And breathe in her scent because he hadn't touched a woman – willing or otherwise for so long. Just that, no hurting or anything else. A careful, respectful touch. Even so, I knew that she would jerk away from me in terror and revulsion, I knew with those long, dark eye-lashes fluttering in fear over those deep, sky- blue eyes full of things a girl so young shouldn't have seen. I knew she was scared of me – looked down on me like I was scum of the earth, no doubt. She avoided me, no doubt poisoned by her big sister and Maggie's fiance Glenn but I knew she was close to my sweet baby brother. Of course – he'd always been good with kids – probably would have made a good father one day – not like me- and they had that in common. I knew they looked after Judith together.

I thought about closing my hand over her mouth. Whispering in her ear...'Sh...don't scream. Ain't gonna hurt ya, promise. Jus' somethin' I need to do.' She would struggle in my arms and unless I killed her, shut her up for good that way – she'd tell everyone what I'd done. It wouldn't matter if I tried to reason with her – tell her what the 'poor' man had done to those innocent men and women in the Governor's interrogation cells.

No. I'd have to take the hard way out and hurt her. Gripping my knife, and keeping an eye on her and Caesar, lying there out of it, drugged up, I looked around for something to hit her with. Only to knock her out. Both were completely unaware...I guess she wasn't a light sleeper like me and Daryl were – didn't have to keep an ear out for her drunk Daddy stumbling into her room to beat the crap out of her. Or worse. Everyone knew about Herschel's struggle with the demon bottle but I guessed he'd never been a violent drunk.

'Sorry, darlin'.' I whispered in her ear as I raised the crate over her head. 'Didn't want to have to hurt ya but can't take the risk of havin' you see.'

That's when a blade was held to my own throat as whoever it was had crept up silently behind me. Who could have taken me unawares?

'Don't ya hurt her!' My brother's gravelly voice snarled in my ear to answer my question. Because only a Dixon could take out another Dixon. 'Fuckin' drop it!''

After I'd done what he ordered, still with neither the girl or the patient waking up, he glared at me as he yanked me outside the makeshift Infirmary back to our tent.

'Shit Merle - what the fuck do ya think ya doin'?' His voice was filled with anger and disbelief. 'I've been tryin' to smooth things over between us and them so ya can stay and ya were goin' to attack Beth!'

'I didn't want to but...listen.' I grabbed him and shook him. 'We have to kill Caesar!'

He looked up at me in confusion. 'Who's...?'

'The prisoner we found, damn it! He knows me...he knows...'

'What ya did back in Woodbury?'

'I would have taken care of him when we found him but I knew ya wouldn't have let me...'Sides, I didn't think he remembered me...too fucked up …'

'So! NO! Ya can't jus' go around killin' people...'

'Don't ya know what he did? Same as those evil bastards did to you!'

Daryl glared at me with contempt, stinging me to the core. 'Fuckin' hypocrite...ya jus' like him. He was one of you...'

'Do ya want him around the women...around Carol and Beth?' I countered.

'Do I want you around them? Can I trust you? Didn't look like it jus' now...' He retorted, rounding on me then to my surprise and fisting his shirt as he shook him. 'Maggie and Glenn already think ya a rapist anyway...fuckin' hate ya guts. Rick doesn't like havin' ya around either – only puts up with ya sorry ass 'cos of me...If fuckin' poor Caesar opens mouth...who do ya think they're gonna believe? They'll kick ya out and I ain't leavin' my people.'

Merle groaned and held his head in his hands. 'So, they're your people now are they? I swear I will never, ever...I didn't want to anyway but it would have looked funny if I hadn't joined in...'

'Don't lie to me! Ya a fuckin' coward and a scumbag to boot, Merle.'

'I know and sometimes I fuckin' hate myself...can't blame it all on Dad...'

'No, ya fuckin' can't!' He almost screamed at me. Whatever he did doesn't make the shit ya done right!'

'What are the fuck we gonna do?' My brother looked up as his anger finally faded away before he released me. 'We can't kill him and we can't let him live.'

'Let's tell Rick..before Caesar gets to him. I'll tell him that he was one of the men who...who...I recognise him now...couldn't remember. Herschel says that's normal to not be able to remember everythin' straight away.'

'He might as well have been...jus' wasn't there when you were. But he's guilty as hell.'

'I can't believe I'm lyin' to a good man for a piece of shit like you!' He whirled around, temper fired up again and punched me in the face. Without thinking, I hit him right back until we tussled onto the floor.

'Fuckin' hate ya, Merle!' Now he was sobbing as he ripped my clothes off me. I lay back and let him take control, if he needed to in order to vent his rage at me, I'd let him do anything. Then he was kissing me hard. I responded as I wound my arms around the back of his neck.

'Ya scum of the earth!' I growled at this insult – thinking it was one too many as I yanked his hair back.

'Yeah? And what are you? You fuck ya own brother!' I bit his lower lip brutally and licked his blood of his chin. 'What kind of pervert does that make you?'

I'd let him have control long enough, now it was my turn as I pushed him onto his stomach onto the tent-floor. Luckily, we were far away from the others.

I reached under him in a hurry to undo his belt and pull his jeans off him but he stayed my hand.

'No.'

'Come on.' I tried again. 'Ya'll like it, jus' like last time, promise.' I pulled him upright and reached around him to undress him from the front while I whispered what I planned to do to him in his ear, trying to excite him.

Wrong thing to do – made him panic even more.

'No, fuckin' stop!' He was crying again, this time in full-blown panic. I reached around but this time I pulled him onto my lap but him squirming there didn't help my raging hard-on.

'It's OK.' I soothed. 'We don't have to...but ya kissed me, remember?'

He was calmer now as I brushed back his hair. I took advantage of this to press my point home to get what I wanted.

Why don't we leave? Solve the problem...they can't stand me...don't want me here, I'll never be one of them.' Not that I want to be, I silently added.

'Well, I'm gonna make them fuckin' accept ya!' He dried his tears and pushed me away. 'Get the fuck off me! From now on, we're gonna act like normal.'

'Fine.' I said and turned my back to him but he scooted over to me and I smiled as I felt him kiss the back of my neck as if in apology before I felt his hand grab mine briefly. That was before it snaked down between my legs. He was telling me in this way that he was sorry and that he still wanted to make me feel good, despite his words about acting 'normal' whatever that was because like it or not, we'd crossed a line we couldn't go back on. Not now or never.

I let him do what he liked but made no move on him, knowing that being in control was what he was needing right now and that he didn't want to go the whole way – not tonight, any way. I didn't rule it out never happening again, though.

I could sense him smile with satisfaction in the dark when he finally managed to make me shudder and cry out after torturing me with anticipation and stopping and starting again more times than I could count. Just to drag things out, the little shit. I bit my lip and held back, not protesting.

After it was done, I reached back to grab his slick hand and kiss it in gratitude. Tasting myself on him before he wiped it on a rag.

I knew then that we were OK again that we could deal with Caesar without killing him and let Rick shoulder the responsibility of what to do with him. We weren't really lying after all – Caesar had been one of our gang just that he hadn't been one of the bastards who hurt Daryl. If I was the leader of the group, I'd tie him to a tree out in the wild and let the Walkers dine on him but that was me.