TTWH 26

What exactly was Daddy Dixon whispering to poor Daryl when he had him in his clutches? And was he really there at Woodbury and did he join in with them?

Merle

Reluctantly, I moved to Rick the Prick's tent (that's what I called him in my mind). After all, I could never forgive him for not caring enough to realise that Daryl wasn't with me and had got captured or for not even trying to help him when they got him back. Still didn't appreciate Daryl and all he did for the group in my opinon.

Ungrateful bastards, all of them.

Fuck 'em. They all thought they were better than them, looked down on us as dumb redneck trash. I would have left a long time ago except Daryl insisted on staying. Was close to the Chink kid – Glen and his girlfriend.

At least Shane had left by then. No way did I want him or anyone else to be eavesdropping on this shit...I even went and poked my head out of the tent once or twice to check the bastard wasn't there before I turned back to Rick.

The leader looked up at me in a slightly bored expression and rested his face on his hands. To be fair, he looked pretty exhausted with dark rings under his eyes.

'Listen, ya got to get rid of my Dad. He's dangerous.'

'Herschel says he's dyin' of liver cancer.'

'So, ya know.'

'How dangerous can a dyin' man be?'

'Look, asshole.' He blinked and recoiled slIghtly to me calling him that but he was so blind!

'He ain't got nothin' to lose! And ya seen my brother's back, ain't ya? When ya rescued him from Woodbury.'

He shifted uncomfortably at that.

'I know ya did and he's after ya son, Rick. Did ya know he likes little boys?'

I was gratified to see him flinch and gasp a little in shock at that, finally wake up.

'He fucked me, Rick. And Daryl too maybe at Woodbury. 'Cos now he says he remembers him being there...delayed recall, repressed memories and all that jazz. Ya know they had him drugged up to the eyeballs most of the time so he barely knew where or even who he was.'

His eyes flew open at that in shock.

'Wha...Why ya tellin' me all this?'

'Think I wanna tell ya? Have ya laugh at me behind my back with the rest of 'em?'

'I would never do that.' He spoke quietly with solemn sincerity and part of me believed him.

'It'll stay between you, me and Daryl. I swear.'

'Ya better. If this gets out...' I loomed over him and he recoiled as I left my threat open.

I'm s... sorry...' He stammered. 'Ya sure ya father was really there? That he...he joined in with them?'

'Daryl thinks he was. Or at least that's what the bastard's been tellin' him. Taunting him about it...'

'Oh God!' Rick shook his head in disbelief and I pressed home my advantage.

'When I came back from hunting by myself today, he was in my sleeping bag. Had my brother, whispering shit to him. Daryl was cryin' and it took me ages for me to make him stop. And now I got to find myself a new sleeping-bag after I burn my old one. I didn't say this out loud, of course.

'He was cryin'? Jesus! Is he OK now?'

'No. But he might have a chance to get over it if ya get rid of him.'

'I swear I didn't know! The old man seemed so sorry...said he wanted to make amends with his two sons before he died.'

I did a double-take because Daddy Dearest had them all fooled.

'Well, he ain't and he doesn't. He only wants to finish what he started and destroy Daryl before he pops on over. And if ya don't care about my brother...at least think about ya son. He hurts people, that's all he does and he's hurting my baby brother just by bein' here.'

'How could I be so blind?' He groaned and clutched his head.

'Yeah...How could ya? Daryl tells me he tried to warn ya but ya wouldn't listen.'

He sighed regretfully.

'I'm only tellin' ya this to make ya see. Do ya think I want to tell ya all that shit? Dyin' or not, get rid of him!'

'I will.' He gathered up the papers resolutely in his hands. 'I swear. I'll do it tomorrow.'

He started fumbling with them and was clearly uncomfortable with the subject matter and having extracted this promise from him, I turned to leave. What more was there to say?'

'How old were ya when it started, if I may ask?' I turned back to him in surprise. I had sworn to myself that I wasn't going to give him any more details than he needed and even what I said had been bad enough. But I found myself answering. Something about his quiet, calm voice.

'About 11...See it's all fuzzy in my mind. Sick shit like that tends to be.'

'And Daryl? Did he do it to him too?' His eyes were frantic now with pain and guilt which pleased me no end.

'Not when he was a kid. 'Though he sure wanted to...'

I was happy to see him recoil at that.

'Because ya 'let' him to save Daryl. Right?'

'Yeah.' I was surprised at how quickly he got it. Was smarter than I gave him credit for.

'Did he keep his promise? Are ya sure he never touched him?'

'Yeah...I think so. My brother didn't know anythin' about it when I told him and I kept it from him for years.'

'I'm sorry. Ya mus' really love him to save him like that.' His tone was gentle, hypnotic, just drawing out more and more details from me that I would never have dreamt giving him willingly.

Oh, ya don't how much. I thought to myself but didn't say and merely shrugged. 'He's my baby brother. What would ya have done?'

'I...I don't know.' He answered honestly. 'I'm so sorry that I didn't take him seriously...Should have realised that just him being here would make him regress.'

Yet his sympathy and his big words that were too little too late made me mad. From what Daryl told me, reading between the lines, I guess he hadn't had much understanding for him when they rescued him although he had never ever complained openly about him. Was doggedly loyal to them and I didn't understand why. Thinking about how they had treated him, no one having the guts to try and help him except Glen, not even Carol - made me mad again. The way Daryl told me without meaning to, they'd tied him to the bed and he'd been crying then too and calling out for me.

But I wasn't there. I would always blame myself for not being there when he needed me most. Not at the beginning anyway.

'Listen... I ain't tellin' ya 'cos I want ya pity, believe me, tellin' ya was the last thing on earth I would have done except for Daryl. And ya jus' better pray he ain't touched ya kid.' Because it was very strange that he didn't seem concerned for Carl after what I had just told him. If I were a father – and a good one at that - I imagined I would have rushed outside to find my son and hold him close as soon as I heard what I had to say. Ask him if the old man had touched him before I found the old bastard and tore him apart, limb from limb.

It wasn't my problem – Daryl was, so I left it.

'He'll be gone by tomorrow night.' He called after me.

Too bad that he was never able to keep his promise when things went from bad to worse.

…...

I crawled back into our tent and glanced at the sleeping bag I would never use again to find my brother rocking himself to and fro and mumbling to himself. He barely glanced at the bowls of cooked food I brought for us and feeling the same as he did, I threw them outside the tent. It turned out that I didn't have any appetite either.

'Daryl...Ya OK?' I laid a hand on his arm. Bad move. He pulled away.

Stupid question too.

'He knows...he knew about what Jones said to me. About fuckin' me to death. And how they cut me while they did it.' And I never told no-one that shit!' It was like he hadn't even heard me come into the tent, was just carrying on his own monologue aloud.

''Cept me, remember. Maybe he was spyin' on us for a long time? Heard us?'

Daryl grunted disbelievingly.

'That would be jus' like him to lay low, get the lay of the land – and us before he turned up out of the blue, wouldn't it, baby brother?'

Daryl said nothing and I wasn't sure he even heard. I knew that I sounded like I was just trying to convince myself even more than him.

'Wanna tell me now what he did to ya yesterday?' I asked as if I didn't know the answer already.

'Ain't what he did, it's what he said...' Daryl sobbed while I stroked his hair cautiously with one hand. 'He said he was one of them...that he joined in.'

'He's a fuckin' liar! He just wished he'd fucked ya too but he couldn't.'

'He...He did. He said he was there!'

'Are ya sure he really was and that he ain't jus' fuckin' with ya?'

I tried to sow doubts in his mind when there had never been any in mine, just as I told Rick. Not really. But if I could convince him it had never happened, even if Dad had really been there, where was the harm in that little white lie? He could get on with his life then.

'Ya know, I never saw him and I was the Governor's right hand man and we kept a strict records of people going in and out. Security was tight as a virgin's asshole and I never saw him in Woodbury ...Not ….with the prisoners...I swear!' This wasn't a lie. I never saw him there or heard his name mentioned although he claimed that's where he left to come to our camp.

'Yeah and I guess ya know all about that!' My brother snarled viciously at me like a wild animal.

I had no reply to that and all it implied. He knew what I'd done there and enjoyed doing after the first few times and the guilt receeded. I could look at those wretched men and women and no longer see them as human beings. Listen to their screams and pleadings for mercy with a deaf ear.

It was easier that way...to think of them as just lumps of meat. Doomed anyway.

'He's lyin'...It's his own twisted fantasy. I'm tellin' ya, the old bastard wasn't there...if he wasn't no use to the town, they would send him to the Walker pits...Anyone can see he ain't got long to live. Jus' a sick old parasite, is all. No good to anybody...They didn't put up with people like him in that place, I know that.'

He looked up at me with hopeful eyes.

'Besides, ya would have remembered somethin' like that, wouldn't ya? If he did it to ya too.'

'How do ya know I didn't repress the memory?' He looked up at me in open distress with tears running down his face. 'He said the Governor knew who he was and got a kick out of forcin' him to do it...But he didn't need no forcin', he told me, he only pretended. Not when it came to me...his own son...that he would have done it to me years ago but he had ya for that and besides he made a promise.'

I trembled despite himself. Woodbury and meeting Dad had opened up a whole can of worms for us both. I knew I should have choked the life out of the bastard and not let Daryl stop me. Then he wouldn't have had a chance to put his sickness into my little brother's head and make him remember.

I tried one more time. 'Ya sure it was Dad?'

'I keep tellin' ya he knows...He knows...' My little brother whimpered and hugged his knees tighter, still rocking himself. Fuck knows how long he'd been doing it – since I left to go and speak to Rick?

'Besides, now I remember...The Governor asking me how did it feel to be raped by my Daddy? Was he gentle with me? I remember now!' He hissed and thumped his thigh with his fist. 'Even though I blocked it out! How could I be so stupid not to remember?'

Fuck. It hurt my big brother's heart to see my usually tough-as-nails brother vulnerable like this but I couldn't blame him.

'Don't know why I forgot up until now...Jus' seein' him brought it all back...' He shuddered. 'Then the things he said...'

'It's natural ...Ya didn't want to believe that...remember that... Who the fuck would?'

'Sh...' I did the only other thing I could do since denials weren't going to work now and reached over and put one arm around him. Daryl bowed his head gratefully to my shoulder, drawing on the comfort and I felt him shudder against me.

'Hush now. I spoke to Rick and he's gonna chuck him out tomorrow.'

My brother looked up at me and his lip trembled in fear.'But what if he comes back?'

'I'll deal with him and I mean it this time. He's had his chances.'

Poor baby. I thought to himself while I brushed back a lose strand of my brother's hair behind his ear like I knew he liked. Ya so sexy when ya hurtin'. Then a wave of self-loathing hit me and I held him tighter. Was I a pervert too who got off on my brother's pain?

'I know he was 'cos he knew about Louie.' Daryl dully announced suddenly.

I drew my breath in. He had never mentioned him but I vaguely remembered the big black guy but he hadn't joined our 'interrogation teams' yet while I was there.

'What about him?' I asked him gently. 'Come on, ya can tell me.'

'He ...He...What he would always say to me before he got started...' Daryl paused while he flushed with shame, 'I ain't gonna hurt ya, ...ya so beautiful.' Then he did a passable imitation of the big black man's broad Mississippi accent.

'And did he?'

'He tried not to. Sometimes it felt like he didn't want to force me, was jus' doin' it because of the others.. I...I always hoped I got him...But in a way he was the worst 'cos...'cos...'

Now he was sobbing in humiliation.

'Because what?' I pressed but it didn't matter because I knew anyway and ran my fingers through his hair.

'No...No...' Daryl turned his head away. 'Don't make me tell.' He pleaded pathetically.

'Ain't gonna make ya do nothin' ya don't want.' I growled. 'Think ya had enough of that, don't ya?'

Daryl buried his face in my chest in answer and I began to rock us consolingly.

'After everythin' we done, ya can't tell ya big brother?'

'He ….He made me come.'

I said nothing but just stroked his hair in reassurance.

'M...More than once.' He sobbed.

'Ain't ya fault.'

'I...I didn't want to...Ya gotta believe me!' He shoved my arms off him.

'Sh...I know that, brother. It's jus' 'cos he didn't hurt ya like the others.'

Daryl said nothing.

'Ya didn't want to, didn't like it. Jus' a physical reaction, was all.'

'Dad was laughing at me too.'

'What else did he say to ya today?' I pressed him further, pulling him back to me. I needed to know the worst and he didn't resist.

'I tried to move...fight him off even before he made me take the pills...but I...but I couldn't move. It was like being back there...tied up and drugged to the eye-balls or being a kid again...'

'Sh...'

'How can he still be stronger than us, huh? Don't make no sense.'

Unseen by him, I narrowed my eyes to slits because I had an idea how.

'Why couldn't I fuckin' move? It was jus' like when we were young..Couldn't fight him off...' He wailed and clenched his fists. 'Jus' like with the Governor's men when they drugged me...'

'Sh...Don't matter now. Tell me what else he said to ya...'

'He...He said I was a pretty-boy fag and they could see I wanted it that's why they chose me and it was all my fault and I wanted it really...'

'Jesus fucked!' I hissed, then cursed.

Daryl wept a little before he could carry on. 'That it wasn't rape because how could ya rape a whore? 'Cos I'm a slut in the makin' and they wouldn't have done it to me otherwise and that's all I'm good for. Now I'm ruined, used-up and broken.'

I snarled and clenched my fists in outrage.

'Daddy knows.' Daryl drawled, giving a good imitation of our father's speech – good enough to make my skin crawl. 'Cos I'm a pussy – jus' look at me crying and dumb enough to let myself get captured...No real Dixon worth his salt would have. Or cried when the enemy tortured him – what else did I expect?' He whimpered a little then.

'Ain't true. They did it to whoever – men, women...anyone who didn't fit in or spoke against him. Enemies who got captured.'

He looked at me doubtfully.

'Bastard. I'm glad Rick's finally seen sense and finally gonna get rid of him.'

'But I ain't no fag, Merle! I ain't like that! I don't even like men, ya gotta believe me!'

I chuckled despite myself and leant forward to peck his lips drawing a hungry response from him even upset as he was. 'Yeah, but ya like kissin' me, doncha?'

'Yes, I mean No...That's different...But...' His confusion even as he was hurting was adorable and I just couldn't resist.

''What else did he say?'

'That I'll never get over it or be normal again. Never be able to be with a woman ever again...Especially since I let ya...'

'Fuck him. He'll be dead soon. Let's hope it's long-drawn out and painful.'

'He threatened Carl! Said he was gonna give him a bad death – and ya know what that means - if I didn't take the pills. I had to! He told me they would make me tell the truth whether I wanted to or not...'

He paused.

'So I did. I told him about what they did to me. Everythin'. But he must have known most of it before he told me he was there. Sick fuck!'

At least my tough baby brother had finally stopped crying and was looking back at me with that hard, merciless glare that I was used to. Looked like a Dixon again, at least. To be honest, I preferred him like that than the other way. Made me feel like a perverted shit who was taking advantage when we did it, even though he was a grown man and no weakling. The opposite in fact.

'Why ya so surprised, Merle? After what he did to ya when ya were jus' a little kid?'

Feeling uneasy, I turned away. 'Don't. Ain't the same.'

'Yeah. Yeah it is.'

'Daryl...'

Daryl shrugged me off.

'How could I forget he was there?' He reached up and punched himself in the eye hard. Reached up to do it again but I managed to stop him in time.

'Don't.' I grabbed him and pinned his arms under mine. 'Don't...Don't ya hurt yaself no more...'

Daryl struggled but I rocked him like I used to when he was a baby. Always worked.

'Ain't ya fault...They had ya drugged most of the time...'

'But my own Dad fuckin' me? What kinda idiot forgets that?'

'Sh...Don't, baby.'

'Stop coddlin' me, Merle! It ain't helpin'!' He freed himself again from and got up. 'It ain't about me! Carl's in danger, maybe even Sophia!'

'Now don't ya worry about that. Told ya we'll be rid of him for good by tomorrow. Bastard's dyin' anyway.'

I'd just got him calm again when the screaming started.