CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
The morning of the funeral, I can't get Colby out of bed. "I can't," he whispers. "I can't do this. It's not real."
"Colby... I'm sorry. I wish I could change this... But she's gone. You have to do this," I tell him. "But you're not alone. I'm here, okay?"
"She can't be gone, April. She can't."
Oh God, my heart is ripping in half as he cries. I just want to resurrect his mom so he doesn't feel any more pain. I curl up on his chest and let him sob into my hair. He holds me, letting his pain out like blood from an open wound.
"I'm so sorry, Colby," I whisper again. "I love you."
I haven't said it before, at least not in a boyfriend-girlfriend kind of way. Colby holds me closer to him. "I love you, April," he tells me. "God, I love you..."
That's more passion than I expected. I don't remember the last time Phil sounded like that. I realize I was unhappy way before Phil ever hit me. Colby was the love I needed. I just didn't understand that then.
"You can do this, Colby," I tell him. "You have me, and Dean, and Joe. You have your brother and your father. We're all here for you."
"Thank you," he whispers. He reluctantly releases me. I help him get off of the bed and he heads to the shower. I have already showered and put on my black dress. I try to think about anything except what we are about to go do.
I see a text from Rosa. How's Colby? Call me if you get any time alone. Just watched the match, OMG Girl! Proud!
Since Colby's busy, I call her. "Not too early, is it?" I ask.
"No, girl, it's never too early for you. But... holy shit, April! You put that son of a bitch in a submission so tight he tapped! I am so proud of you!" Rosa declares.
"Thanks... It felt pretty awesome. I know he's probably going to try to kill me, but the look on his face... It was worth it, Rosa."
"Your boys will protect you. Speaking of, how is Colby?"
"Broken... But I'm trying to put him back together."
"Role reversal. That's good for both of you. I feel bad for him, though. His match was great, too. I saw he dedicated that last splash to his mom. It's so sad..."
"He told his family I'm his girlfriend..."
Rosa audibly chokes on a drink. "Holy shit, girl! Are you?"
"I seem to be... I didn't plan on it, but Rosa... I love him."
"Of course you do. After everything, how could you not? I'm happy for you. He's good for you, April. He won't hurt you."
"Enough about me. How are you? How's Drew?"
"We're both good... I'm really happy to be back on my feet, and he's taking such good care of me."
"Is there a fairytale ending to your story?"
"My story's just beginning, girl! So who knows? Right now, I'm just grateful he is in my life."
"I'm glad you have him, too." I hear the shower turn off. "Colby's coming. I should go."
"Send my love. We'll talk later."
I hang up as Colby comes back into the room. He's towel drying his hair. I look at him standing in his bedroom filled with action figures, comic books, posters of superheroes, and Harry Potter books. The room is so amazingly Colby. It makes me smile, seeing him here, surrounded by an epic amount of awesomeness. I stand up and walk over to him, wrapping him in my arms, suddenly very okay with embracing my girlfriend title. Colby is perfection. I kiss him quickly. He relaxes in my arms.
"I love you," I tell him again.
"I've been wanting to say that to you for a while," he tells me, "but I was so afraid I'd scare you away."
"I'm not going anywhere."
"I don't want you to think anything has to change... Although I do like kissing you... But honey, I don't expect anything else. I know you're still coping..."
Ah, the awkward sex talk. It's normally not so bad to talk to your boyfriend about the rules of where you're going, but ever since I was attacked, sex is way too terrifying to consider. I know I'm not ready for that. I feel like it's unfair to make Colby wait for that, but I can't even think about it without freaking out.
"I can wait, April," Colby promises as he looks into my eyes. "I'd wait forever for you."
I feel like crying, but not because I'm afraid or hurt or sad... I'm happy. I can't speak, so I just kiss him again. This is the first true peace I've had and I'm positive now that I can get by this. I will survive what happened to me. I have reasons to hang on now.
We both suddenly remember why we're here as Colby pulls out his black suit. I stare at my shoes and let him change. He and I usually change alone in the bathroom, but if we're dating... Well, I can let him change in the same room as me, even if I won't change myself.
When he's changed, he tells me I can look up. He looks really good in a suit, but the sorrow in his eyes is hard to see. I hug him again. He struggles with his tie, his hands shaking. I take over and put it on for him.
"Thanks..." He says sadly.
"Come on," I say. "It's time."
Colby downs some Kill Cliff and calls it breakfast. I don't eat. We join his father and brother in his dad's car. Joe and Dean follow in the rental. It's weird to see Dean in a suit. Even at the Hall of Fame, he usually looks like he just fell out of bed and into his clothes. Today, his suit is ironed (by Joe, I suspect) and his hair, while still wild, is brushed and closer to neat than usual. It's a big sign of respect for what we're about to do.
Colby's mother's will specified her wishes for a short funeral. As soon as they learned she had passed away, they rushed an autopsy and set up the one-day viewing and funeral. The results aren't in yet, but they did say her death appeared to be from natural causes. Colby's family is sitting up front, but Colby refuses to go near the casket, so we sit in the funeral home together, four WWE Superstars who have no idea what to do about this situation, hiding in the back of the room.
Dean and Joe try to get Colby talking about anything at all. I join their efforts. His responses are short and emotionless, but at least he's responding. Finally, his brother comes over to us. "The viewing's almost over," he says. "Once they close the casket, that's it, Colby. You need to come see her."
"I can't," Colby says. "I can't look at her like that..."
"Colbs..." Joe says gently. "You'll never forgive yourself if you don't say goodbye."
Colby looks like he is going to break. I squeeze his hand at the same time Dean squeezes his shoulder. "You got this," Dean tells him. "And we've got you."
"We're here," I add.
Colby doesn't speak, but he stands up. I don't let go of his hand. We walk up to the casket, Dean and Joe very close behind us. Colby looks down at the casket and starts crying. "Mom," He says, "the last time we talked, I talked your ear off about this woman right here and you said you wanted to meet her...This is April. You were right, Mom... I love her. And now she knows it... I should have taken your advice sooner..." His voice cracks. "I love you, Mom... I don't understand what happened. I'm sorry my last goodbye wasn't an awesome one, but I didn't know it would be the last time... I never thought you'd be gone in the morning... I'm so sorry..."
My chest is tight with emotion. Colby is breaking by my side and talking to his mother like he's just finishing up their last conversation, which had apparently been about me. I still don't let him go as he bends down. He whispers, "I love you," before kissing her cheek and standing back up. He manages to make it out of the viewing room before he breaks fully and he becomes an incoherent mess. I pull him into my arms. Very quickly, Dean is behind Colby and hugging him, too. Joe comes from the side and joins the embrace. It takes a couple of minutes, but Colby finally stops crying.
"I'm okay," he says. It's a lie, but none of us call him on it. We know he isn't okay, but we also know he will get there.
The service at the church is hard. Colby holds himself together, determined not to cry again. I don't let go of his hand and that seems to help him. When it's over, we head to the cemetery. His father and brother ride in one limo and we are in another. Colby doesn't speak. He also doesn't shed a tear.
It's not until we get back in the limo reserved for the four of us that he starts to cry. His tears are silent at first. Then slowly, his breathing grows rapid and I can tell his heart starts racing. This is the worst he's broken. Dean is the first to react, pulling him into his arms and not letting go even when Colby tries to protest. I lean on Joe, not even realizing I'm doing it because I've finally come to trust him as much as Colby and Dean and I'm so emotionally exhausted. He holds me as we watch Dean comfort Colby as only he can. Of the people in that limo, Dean has known him the longest.
"It hurts, Jon," I hear him whisper. This is literally the first time I've ever heard Colby call Dean by his legal name.
"I know, man. It's okay for it to hurt," Dean says gently. This gentle side of Dean only shows around those he's closest to. He's shown it to me any time I've freaked out around him, but I've only ever seen him show it to two other people, Colby and Nattie. I wonder how Nattie earned that honor in his mind.
As Dean talks Colby down, I realize Joe is as worried about him as I am. I look at him and say, "I'm so glad you both came. He needed you."
"He needed all of us," Joe says.
Colby isn't crying anymore. I'm fairly certain he reached whatever point he needed to for the pain to turn into grief that he can process and heal from. I take his hand again as we head back to the house.
*Skip, Skip, Skip... LATER*
As usual for WWE superstars, this is all the time we have. Joe and Dean are both expected at Smackdown, and I have my rematch against Nattie. Colby has been given the week off. Paul announced his mother's death in an official statement to explain his absence. He's been getting tweets ever since expressing support and sympathy, though Joe's been screening them and deleting some awful messages from marks who view Colby as a traitor. Someone tweeted him that he deserved this loss and his mother probably killed herself from shame. I don't understand how people can say something like that. They clearly don't understand that behind the characters we play, we are real people with real emotions.
After lunch with Colby's family the day after the funeral, we head to the airport. Colby is calmer. I know he's gotten over a hurdle and he will be alright.
We land in California a while later. We get to the arena as Main Event is wrapping up. I'm away from Colby for the first time since we left. I get dressed quickly. My match with Nattie is the second one on Smackdown. Taylor and Tenille walk me out and I'm shocked when we run into Brett Hart.
Brett smiles at me. "I came for RAW and stuck around," he tells me. "You know, AJ, I just wanted to thank you for giving my niece one of the best matches of her career."
I'm floored. He continues. "You attacking TJ was pretty great, too. The little jerk deseved it."
"Wait, what?" I ask.
Brett laughs. "He ruins almost all of her matches. You put him back in his place. Also, it was pretty damn entertaining." He shakes my hand.
"Thank you," I say, because what else can I say? This is the ultimate validation that Nattie and I had a great match. I never expected Brett Hart to know who I was, let alone to praise me.
"Wow!" Taylor says. "That was so cool of him!"
"Ready for your rematch?" Tenille asks me.
"I hope so," I say.
I skip out to my music. Nattie and TJ follow. He's glaring at me. His eyes say it all. I'm a dead woman for what I did. I decide to ignore him as the match begins. I immediately slam into Nattie. She grabs me and slams my head into the ringpost. She hits me from the side and picks me up before tossing me onto my back. She pins me, but I quickly kick out and get back up. Nattie hits the side of my stomach hard. I double over. She's genuinely pissed off at me, I assume because I attacked TJ on Sunday, and she is coming at me too aggressively.
Nattie's a professional, so I try to let on that she needs to take it down a level. To my relief, she does. Even if she's upset with me, she isn't trying to injure me. I hit a couple of moves on her, but she dominates. This time when she puts me into the sharpshooter, I tap. Nattie retains the title and I rush backstage, running more than skipping.
Tenille and Taylor stay outside of the dressing room while I change. Before I can open the door, Nattie comes in. She is glaring at me, but she does ask, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," I say.
"Sorry if I got too rough with you, but... April, just tell me the truth."
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"I know about you and TJ!"
I'm shaking as I look at her. "Nattie-"
"I can't believe you slept with my husband!"
I start rambling as tears form in my eyes. "Nattie, I'm so sorry... I never meant to hurt you... I couldn't tell you... He was drunk the first time and... and I begged... I begged him not to, but he..." I can't speak. I'm waiting for her to scream or to hit me. She does neither.
"You told him no?" She asks after a pause.
"I begged him to stop. I tried to fight him off, but... but I couldn't." I'm crying harder.
"April... My God, April, I'm so sorry."
That's the absolute last thing I expect to hear. "What?"
"People have been talking. He told people you were having an affair... I just... Oh my God..." And then the most unexpected thing of all happens. Nattie hugs me and tries to comfort me. "I had no idea he did this to you... But I'll make sure it never happens again. I'm sorry, but it'll be okay now. I'll make this okay." She releases me and leaves me there.
I am shaking. I don't know what to do. After a bit, Tenille comes in. "Are you okay?" She asks me.
I nod. "Take me to the hotel," I say. "I need to see Colby."
Tenille and Taylor drop me at the hotel. Dean and Joe have both finished their matches and are with him. "I need to tell you something," I say.
The boys look at me with curiosity. Colby realizes I've been crying. "What happened?" He asks, taking me in his arms.
"Something might be about to come out and I want you guys to hear it from me... All of you... Because I just told Nattie the truth."
"What is it, April?" Joe asks with concern. Joe doesn't know everything. I never found a way to tell him. All he knows is I needed protection. He never questioned me beyond that. He's a protective guy by nature, so when he saw Dean and Colby taking care of me, he just started to do the same. I can't look at him now.
"I told her who... who it was, and what happened to me," I say.
"April..." Colby says. He tilts my chin so I'm looking at him. This gives me strength. These guys deserve the truth.
"It was TJ..." I whisper. I take a breath, and louder I add, "TJ raped me. Twice."
Dean's eyes turn psychotic. He already hates TJ. This only gives him more reason. Rage flashes on Colby's face. "That son of a bitch!" He declares.
Joe looks at me. "Are you okay?" He asks.
"I don't know," I answer honestly. "Nattie thought we were having an affair and I blurted out the truth... I'm sorry I never told you what happened. I didn't know how to."
"Baby girl, I already knew. Your eyes were too sad and you were too scared. It was obvious someone hurt you," he tells me gently. "I just thought it might have been Phil and that was why you wouldn't talk about it."
"Phil's a jerk, but he never did that... Why didn't you call me on it?"
"I figured if you wanted me to know, you would have told me. So how can we help you now?"
"I don't know. I've been so afraid to tell anyone who it was. I only told Rosa... And Phil, but that was because he accused me of cheating on him. It was the night he hit me."
"Dick," Dean mumbles. He looks at me with worried eyes. "April, how did Nattie react to this?"
"She comforted me... She kept apologizing and she promised she'd make it stop... Oh shit... I think she might confront him. Alone."
"Do you think he'll hurt her?" Colby asks.
"Without a doubt," Dean says. "We gotta get over there before she gets herself killed. He's hit her before. She lies about it, but I know the look in her eyes. My mom had the same one, only Nattie's stronger. I know she can defend herself, so I never tried to get involved, but this could send him over the edge."
"Let's go," I say.
"You shouldn't be near him, April," Colby says.
"Nattie's in trouble, and all of you are with me. I'm done running from this." I walk out of the room.
Nattie and TJ are staying two floors above us. We hurry to their room, with Dean in the lead. As we get to the door, we hear a sound that makes all of us freeze. It's a sound Dean and I both know all too well from rough upbringings; a gunshot.