I feel this has been my most emotional chapter yet. I've felt energized the whole way through, which is odd, because it was another unhappy one. But somehow it feels like the undertow pulling me in before the wave crashes down and we have our bittersweet ending. It's not over yet! :)

The song this time is "Spiralling" by Keane.

Chapter Text

Suzi felt hot tears on her cheeks as she held the little toy train to her heart. She couldn't even remember when crying had started, but now she embraced it, and began to weep openly.

How long had it been since she'd allowed herself to be this bone sad?

She had lost Ezra. They had lost Ezra. The only child they were ever able to have. If it hadn't happened, would Judd have lost that few years to closet drinking? Would he have emerged out the other side of it the tired and angry man he'd become? Would anger over each and every little thing the last few years have clung to her heart like fly tape? It could have all ended so differently if she'd just called and canceled that play date. After all, how many women had she heard tell her about "mother's instinct", which had caused them to intercede on something that would have turned out disastrously for their children? Why hadn't she had it that day? Was it because she had never been one of the truly great mothers?

Suzi felt the wound that had taken so much time to heal and was now a scar be sliced back open with the knife that was the toy train. The rain had stopped for now in the cemetery, but the ground was still wet, and she relished the discomfort of it that muted out the discomfort of her heart for a second as she lay down right there on her side. Normally one to push back the pain, Suzi let it engulf her now. She couldn't hold it back any longer, and this time, it wasn't just the pain of losing Ezra.

It was the pain of losing Judd, and not just to death. She had really lost him years before. She had lost that love that had slowly and carefully woven itself into a beautiful tapestry from that first moment by the lake during the boat-race. She had torn it apart with her bare hands in the end, five years ago. They both had. And now, Judd was gone… and she lay here holding what was left of the mess.

The cemetery was still quiet. No one else was around, but Suzi knew it wouldn't have mattered if they were. She let the waves of pain crash over her as she sobbed into the wet grass.

Perhaps it was because she hadn't really slept since she'd seen Judd's face plastered on the Breaking News screen on the TV at work a couple days ago… or perhaps it was because she was wearing herself out now since her emotional dam broke. Either way, when Suzi's tears were finally spent, she began to drift off.

The next few minutes felt so surreal to her that she hadn't realized she had slipped into sleep. All she knew was that she suddenly began to feel a warm, sweet sensation that swept over her entire body and wrapped her in a warm embrace. Whatever this was coming from, she wanted to stay there, in it, forever.

Her mind remained slightly confused as it was courted by the pinpricks of dreams.

Is this real? Where am I, again?

"Suzi," she heard Judd's voice close to her ear.

"What?" she tried to form the word. She wanted to be left alone, to continue to relish this peaceful feeling.

"Suzi."

His voice was persistent, and it annoyed her for a moment, but she followed it. A second later, her eyelashes fluttered open. "What Judd—"

She sat up quickly and looked around. It took about five seconds for reality to settle in. She was in the graveyard still, tired, soaking wet on one side from lying in the grass, and brokenhearted. Judd was gone. She had to have forgotten that for a second while she was asleep, because the sound of his voice hadn't startled her in any way initially. It was simply a voice she'd heard half her life. But… Judd couldn't have called her name…

Before Suzi let her mind linger on the small fountain of emotion that began to well in her heart as she thought about what just happened, she heard her phone vibrate in her purse. The sound disoriented her for a moment, but she began to fumble for it, finally finding it. It was a text from Frank.

Went across the street for some coffee for us, then I'll be back.

Suzi stared at the screen for a moment. She wasn't sure she was ready to go just yet, but Frank could be counted upon not to allow her to spiral down too deeply into her pain.

Before locking the screen again, she glanced once more at the blinking voicemail icon in the corner. It had been there since the AWVR office had attempted to phone her on that tragic day. She hadn't seen the missed call from them until after she'd had to learn about Judd's death from the breakroom TV at work. Little point in listening to the message now, as she assumed it was left when they had called to tell her what she already knew. But somehow, she couldn't delete it quite yet.

Suzi put the phone back into her bag. There was one more item in the box she needed to look at before Frank came back for her.

Judd had shocked and humiliated Suzi by beating her to the punch. She was served with divorce papers on her lunchbreak from the hospital, of all times, in front of about three colleagues.

For six years, they'd merely existed in the same house. Judd was gone all the time, taking assignments even when he had steadily accrued a whole bank of paid vacation days. Suzi knew his desire to be away from her at first stemmed from her refusal to move back into the house of Ezra's babyhood. But the way she saw it, if he couldn't be considerate enough to understand how that would have destroyed her, then she in no way needed to meet him halfway.

She kept up her own rigorous work schedule, and started taking yoga classes several times a week. She made more girl friends than she'd made in all the years she and Judd had been married. She had them over as often as possible, giving Judd the not-so-subtle message that he wasn't missed when he was gone.

Judd did give up drinking after awhile, but made no secret of the fact that it was his job he was afraid of jeopardizing, not his marriage. This amped up the anger within Suzi.

So she began spending. She renovated the town house, bought lavish decorations, and told herself this wasn't about revenge on Judd at all – it was about coming into her own and doing the things she wanted to do. He was out living his life, and she would too.

One night she found the name and number for "Carla" in his pants pocket while she was doing laundry. She immediately set about questioning his buddies at the railroad, showing up discreetly when she knew he was out on a run, and found Carla Somerset was an AWVR employee who worked in the office. From there, it didn't take much pressing for one of them to reveal that she and Judd had spent at least one entire night together at a cheap motel.

Anger boiled within Suzi as she took all of Judd's things and moved them into the guest room. It would be all too easy to tell him what she knew and kick him out. She wanted to freeze the information out of him, to see if he would ever come forward and admit it. She wanted him to suffer in a marriage that had lost all love, and let him try to figure out the reason why she was cutting him off.

After he came home to this, though, it didn't quite go the way Suzi had planned. She'd expected him to cower in shame. Instead, he confronted her angrily.

"You were talking to people at work. Frank told me, and he had the d*mn nerve to ask me what was going on. Like it's any of his business, or yours either. Since when over the last forever do you care what I do, Suzi?"

"Since you're running around on me like a dog in heat, Judd. Since you made this about SEX, and the fact that you "have" to get it somewhere since you're not getting it from me. Out of everything else we've been through, THAT'S what finally made you turn to another woman?! Smutty magazines couldn't have been enough?!" she railed, eyes shining with rage.

"This wasn't about that Suzi, d*mmit, this is about how you can't stand the sight of me anymore. It's about how I come home from working my ass off and find YOU playing with all your toys with all your new little friends and acting like a sorority girl all over again! It's about not getting any respect! So yeah, alright? I had one night with Carla. Be grateful she's the one who felt guilty about it and bailed, or we'd still be meeting up!" He shouted back.

Suzi stormed over and slapped him in the face harder than she'd ever thought she could. She went to do it again, and he grabbed her wrist. "Don't you ever do that to me again, do you hear me?" he growled through gritted teeth.

Shocked, Suzi jerked her hand back and grabbed the car keys and her coat.

"Go on then! Go over to Marsha's house and tell her all over again what a jackass I am and how you wish you'd married a REAL man. Go ahead!" he followed her outside.

She did that very thing, staying over at her colleague Marsha's house all night. When she came home the next day, Judd was nowhere to be found. She assumed he'd gone back out on a run.

…Until he didn't come home the next day either. Or the next.

Now, here were the papers stating why.

When Suzi got home from work, she began to pace back and forth, recklessly searching her head for what to do to release all the anger she was feeling. She knew Judd was probably back out on the train and knew there was no way she could get at him right now. Over the last six years, she'd felt plenty of anger – at life. At God. At Judd. But the level of anger she felt now was enough to send her completely over the edge, and she knew it.

"I've got to calm down," she kept whispering to herself over and over again. It took a full hour of this and another half hour of the meditation she'd been learning at yoga to get her mind back in a safe place.

Finally, she went into Judd's bedroom and found a note.

We're both sick of each other and I'm done fighting. I'll get all my stuff later. Staying at Frank and Alice's. Don't call because the talking is over. Goodbye, Suzi.

Next to the note sat Judd's wedding ring.

Taking a deep breath, Suzi went to get a few garbage bags. The hell she would let him "get all his stuff later." She wasn't giving him the satisfaction of thinking this was all going to happen according to his timeline. She had pride to maintain, and he didn't just get to call all the shots.

She threw his stuff in the bags by the armful, not taking any care whatsoever to do so neatly. When she was done, she hauled each and every bag out to her car by herself, and waited until the middle of the night to drive to Frank's house. When she was sure everyone there was asleep, she unloaded the bags onto his front porch.

It was something she always regretted later. Not for Judd, but for Frank and Alice. They had truly gotten caught in the crossfire. The couple had been close friends of hers and Judd's, and Alice herself was a dignified woman. Suzi had always considered herself to be dignified, too, until her anger at Judd and humiliation over his actions had completely unbridled her. She was afraid for how they saw her after that.

The lawyers took care of the rest for them. It was a long and painful process, with Suzi digging her heels in the entire way regarding the distribution of their estate. Judd had been surprisingly willing to negotiate at every turn, likely out of guilt for the affair, she told herself, but Suzi was determined not to let him get off easily. By the time it was over, their lives had been torn to shreds.

The house they'd still owned was sold to someone else. Suzi kept the town house, and Judd moved into a small, cramped apartment. She did what she could to annex Judd from every part of her life, keeping only a tiny box of things she still found she couldn't get rid of, even after everything.

The last time Suzi saw Judd alive was in the grocery store parking lot, of all places, about six months before his death. Having lived a life fueled on that same endless reserve of anger she'd been running on for years, she always expected to want to slap him again if she ever saw her ex-husband anywhere. The town of Brewster was small, though – and she knew that day would doubtlessly come.

When it did, all the things she had rehearsed in her mind flew away on the brisk breeze. Instead, she was surprised by the hollow longing she felt in her heart.

She'd stood watching him for almost five minutes while he loaded his car. When he finally turned around and saw her standing there, just a few yards away, his eyebrows lifted a bit in surprise… but he didn't speak.

Suzi knew she should turn and go, but she was glued to the spot. Suddenly, she knew exactly what the very deepest part of her wanted to say, and it wasn't at all what she'd spent the last few years thinking it would be. But the fact was, her emotional filter was too strong by then, and she knew it was too late for the words that were fighting their way to the surface.

The look on Judd's face reaffirmed it. It was both scary and comforting at the same time how he seemed to know what she wanted to say, yet also warned her not to say it, all in just one look. His eyes were a mixture of sadness, discomfort and frustration at the meeting. She could tell he was not the same man she had been married to. Too much had happened – to both of them.

She'd lifted her hand to give a slight wave – the only thing that felt right at that point – and turned to get into her own car.