Caroline,
Once, in the early days of our relationship, this letter would have contained my outpouring of love for you and then it would have been signed off with something cheesy. However, over two decades later a lot has changed. I am no longer the main part of your life and instead exist in the shadow of being your ex-husband. Together though we share two brilliantly fantastic boys whom we both love dearly and numerous memories which we look back on fondly.
Admittedly, the divorce that ensued was entirely my fault. I became blinkered by what I thought was love for a woman whom was not my wife. It was a foolish sequence of events which ultimately cost me the security of a family and marriage. You were right that particular fateful night when you threw all of my belongings down the stairs; you really were a damn fantastic wife.
Only now do I see just how much I was holding you back. Towards the latter years of our union we somehow lost are spark in between work and looking after our family. I now know it had been several years since you had even contemplated racing home to my presence, and I don't blame you.
I know your marriage to Kate gives you something I never could; love. I watch from afar at just how comfortable the pair of you are together and I realise you never really looked at me with the same glint in your eyes. I also know her influence in the boys lives is a positive one; they both respect her hugely, as well as the addition of Flora-Grace.
Having now lost two children; our daughter the year before Lawrence arrived and my daughter with Judith, I realised that I never really grieved for what we lost together. Somehow our daughter's beautiful existence became something of a distant memory and something we never spoke about. As much as I love William and Lawrence, I miss the person she might have grown into and I know you do too. As a father, losing a child is horrendous. As a mother, I imagine the pain is even greater. I wish I had taken the time to talk to you about it and for that I am sorry.
I hope that one day you may be able to forgive me for my past mistakes and for my lack of ability to ever fully grow up. Thank you for giving me two wonderful sons and two decades of bliss, Caroline.
John.