Beast Boy

I want nothing more than to run and release all of this pent up energy flowing through my veins. I can't here. There is nothing but city streets, lights, traffic. Noise. I consider Central Park, but I know for sure that I'll only get a few minutes of peace before I bump into a drug addict or a group of nobodies. People might not take kindly to a wild green dog racing through the park. I enjoy my privacy.

I had thought that I'd be spending more time seeing the sights and being more of a tourist. But ever since I arrived, I'm overwhelmed by the smells and the screams at night and the honking cars. My head is stuffy. I would very much like to go home, and not just for the clean air. I can't really find my place here. Hot Spot hates me. Argent sticks with Hot Spot.

Aqualad constantly tries to butt in on Raven and I.

I shouldn't get so irritated, but I do. He may be my friend, but I don't appreciate his attempt at closeness with Raven. Regardless of it being innocent.

I like Raven. I've finally admitted it to myself. I had always found her attractive. I had always been intrigued by her personality. The abuse and the distance never deterred me from trying to make her smile. It was just how we worked. I never expected it to evolve into anything more than that.

Technically, I suppose, it hasn't. I can't see any changes in her behavior. There are no smiles passed along through the day at random moments. No hidden meanings. No blushes. No awkward stuttering, not from her end. All of the stupidity, it comes from me. The clumsiness. Confusion.

Raven ends up being the thing I think about the most. I don't particularly like it. It's foreign and new and exciting and dangerous. I try to think about if this could have been coming either way, whether we came together or stayed home. I have no idea.

I don't know what to do.

It's become an obsession. To do anything about it is a serious risk. To not do anything, I continue on with my head in the clouds. A danger to the team. I wonder which is worse. Losing my life or losing Raven? Or being responsible for the actual physical loss of her? I tell myself that I'm thinking too deeply. If I wasn't in love with her before, I'll trick myself into it if I keep pondering it.

In love?

Of course. I wouldn't care if I simply liked her. I have in the past. It has never gotten in the way of anything.

Huh.

"You've been acting odd lately. Are you okay?"

I reluctantly open my eyes. I'm met with a face full of black pillows and I shift around just slightly on the comforter. My body sinks into the bed and I envy her for the hundredth time about it. Our rooms are built and furnished differently. Clearly, Robin wanted to pamper her. I just got the necessities.

The room is incredibly dark, as usual, and I'm thankful for it. I wish the candles weren't lit. I want more cover for my expressions. I don't want anything to betray me.

I'd attempted to meditate with Raven, but unsurprisingly I was falling asleep. I laid back to take a nap, but the moment I relaxed, I found myself thinking about the way she looked from behind. Relaxed, yet focused. Her breathing. Her smell. The fact that she regularly let me sleep in her bed. Never while she was also laying in it, to my dismay...

"I'm fine," I say, realizing I have totally ignored her for several long seconds. I beg her not to look at me and she does. Our eyes clash and I can't look away. She knows I'm lying. She's an empath and I should have known she would eventually sense the disorientation I've been carrying around for the last few weeks. I wonder if she is finally about to address it.

"I hope you know that you can trust me," she finally murmurs, raising an eyebrow. It's almost funny, the way I lie and she knows I'm lying and I know that she knows. But I can't bring myself to be tickled by it. I'm caught up in looking at her and not knowing what to say.

I reluctantly push myself to sit up next to her, legs dangling off the edge of the bed. We feel too close, although I've sat this close to her for years with no problem. I've ruined everything we had. My ears droop before I can stop them and she sees it right before I perk them back up. I attempt a small smile. Nothing fazes her. I figured as much.

"'Course I know that," I say, and I want to look away, I really do, but I can't. I need her to look away first and she won't and it's driving me insane.

"Something's happened to you," she replies, assessing me, top to bottom, and top again. I admire her face as much as I can before the pupils focus back on mine. I want to kick myself.

"You're right. I don't know what it is, though," I admit, and I find myself leaning closer.

"Homesick?" she suggests, but her voice carries uncertainty, and she is looking upset. Shifting away from me. I'm breaking her barrier and getting into her personal bubble. I should stop, but I don't.

"No."

"Then what?"

"If I tell you, you'll hate me for it."

"I won't hate you. We've been through way too much for anything to separate any of us. If something is wrong I need to know. The whole team does."

"This isn't something to share," I grumble, fang slipping against my lip. Slight cut. I look down temporarily, my eyes resting on her cloak.

"I need to know if you're okay."

So insistent. I shrug, fumbling with the fabric on the bed. I shouldn't have said anything. I should have pretended to be asleep. I should have snored so loud she left.

"Fine," she finally says, not sounding pleased at all. She'll hold this against me for a while, storm off and come around much later after I've wasted hours trying to get back on her good side.

We sit in silence and I can faintly hear rain pounding against the tower. Distant rumbling of thunder. There are no windows in her room. Raven finally moves to stand, waving her hand to extinguish the flames on the candles, the only source of light in the room. As soon as they go out, my instincts kick in and I lunge before I know what I'm even doing. I grab her arms and pin them over her head, pushing her into the bed underneath me.

It's easy to do when the lights are off. She can't see me, but I can see her. My vision is excellent. Call me gifted.

"Excuse me." An unamused growl from her. I watch in awe as her voice remains calm, collected. But her eyes are betraying how puzzled she really is. This is like me, and yet unlike me. I should really end the game here and let her be on her way. Instead, I lower myself until I can feel her breath warm on my face. It speeds up when she can feel mine in return.

"Raven?"

"Beast Boy, what are you doing?"

"I'm not sure."

"You really aren't okay, are you?"

"No." I hesitate. "I suppose I'm not." I'm still pressing against her, my grip unrelenting. I'm afraid she'll roll away and act as though this never occurred. I'm not ready for that. My fingers brush along the veins in her wrists and she doesn't writhe beneath me at all. She's perfectly still. Cautious, but not panicked.

I let my eyes wander. She's slender, and squishy in all the places it counts, I bet. Her breasts are two rounded hills underneath her cloak. I release one of her hands so mine can hover above her chest. Guilt and shame wash over me like a cold shower. I stop. I will not touch her.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, and climb off. "At least give me this."

I find her lips with mine, too scared to look at her when I do it. I bite her lower lip and she actually lets out a whimper. I taste blood. I meld our mouths together with hungry, inexperienced kisses and I force my tongue through to slide against her own in the hopes of awakening it.

"I'm going crazy," I huff in between kisses, and I'm desperate.

She's as hard as stone. Her eyes are tightly squeezed shut. It's enough. I'm off of her in seconds, crossing the room and leaving without any sort of an explanation. The look on her face was pained. It wasn't the face of someone who definitely loves me back the way I'm convinced I now love her.

I'm pathetic. I storm up to the roof and force myself to stand in the rain. Nobody comes after me. I sit down, face in my hands, and hope I get deathly ill. I should have so much more to worry about than this, but it's the only important thing in my mind right now. I reach for my phone to tell Cyborg I want to come home, but I left the damn thing in her room.

I hate myself.