Raven

What has just happened between us remains a mystery to me. I didn't go after him when he stormed out of my room, and I wasn't sure what we had just done. What he had done. I froze, immobile. I was too utterly shocked to respond, not that I would have known what to say, regardless. It was too fast. It was too...passionate.

I sit now on the edge of my bed, focusing on my breathing. I'm out of breath, due to his kisses. I can still feel the sting of his bite on my lip. I lick it. I can still feel him pressing his mouth against mine. I hold myself and shiver at the memory of his tongue sliding on top of mine and under. I don't like how vivid this is, even if it has just happened.

Beast Boy was so rushed. Insistent. I feel unclean in the best way possible, unable to sit still, like bugs are crawling all over me. I'm catching his enthusiasm too late, while he's gone. His emotions linger around in my room like smoke, melting into the walls. I close my eyes and rub at my temple. I need to think. I need to sort this out. As an empath, I must not let his feelings affect my own.

That's why I shut him out when it happened.

Was that a bad call?

Probably.

I hurt him.

I try to focus. I place myself on the floor and cross my legs while I lean back against the side of the bed. I close my eyes. I know a few things for certain now. I know that he has been acting strangely around me, not strange in general. I know that he has been acting strangely around me because he has developed certain...feelings...for me.

How? I wonder, honestly puzzled. I'm dark. I'm sadistic. I'm slightly abusive. I start to wonder if he has a kink and I immediately recoil from the thought. I do not want to go there. I do not want to imagine him in any sort of sexual way. It feels too embarrassing. I'm immediately attracted to the idea when I think about it too long. I scold myself and take a mental step back because my face feels warm.

I know he is fond of me. Clearly, I underestimated how much.

I know I am fond of him.

How much?

How so?

I don't know what to do. I miss his company already. I'm so used to having him around. I reach for my phone to message him, before I set it back down. I don't know what to say, nor do I really want to say it over text. Or in person. I would rather forget that this happened, but I can't. He certainly won't. I set my phone down and it lands next to another one. His phone. It isn't even with him. He left it here.

I'm sitting in the dark for a few more seconds before there is a tentative knock on my door. I shoot upwards onto my bare feet, wave my arm and light the candles scattered around my room. Books are everywhere. It must have happened during the...while he kissed me. I can't recall hearing anything hitting the floor. I step over a fallen tower of novels and stand in front of my door. I suddenly feel faint.

Never mind. The aura I feel is nothing like Beast Boy's. I'm tempted to tell the intruder to go away, but instead I open my door. I must keep my cool.

Aqualad stands tall in front of me, his face perfectly shaped, his hair perfectly long, and his body perfectly sculpted under his uniform. I only take notice of this because of some jealousy, and a faint admiration. Nothing more. The longer I've spent time with him, the more I've come to realize that my girlish crush from years ago is long gone.

He looks sincerely worried for me. "Raven, are you all right? I heard something hit the floor, or a lot of things, really, and then I saw Beast Boy leave...I wanted to check on you, I hope that's fine. I would feel guilty not to."

"I'm fine," I lie, my eyes half-lidded as I calm myself. My voice is monotone and just the way I like it.

"Lover's quarrel?" he asks, not serious. He thinks he is making a joke. I scan his face for any trace of knowledge about how Beast Boy feels about me. He has no idea. There is a slight smile playing on his lips, but it fades fast when he realizes I don't find him funny. "I'm sorry. My apologies. It just looked bad. You are okay, then? I can rest easy?"

"You can rest easy," I say, giving a nod. "Beast Boy and I aren't together," I add, but it feels like a betrayal to say it. We might as well be, minus the romantic part. On my side, at least. I hesitate. "Wait, why were you on my floor?"

Special mission? Out of toilet paper?

Now he begins to look incredibly uncomfortable, looking everywhere but at me. He seems especially interested in his fingers. "I'm beginning to think it was a silly idea."

"Then it probably was," I find myself saying. I don't want to be mean to him. I'm just confused and he isn't making me feel any closer to figuring out my situation. I need him to be straightforward or leave me to meditate.

"Maybe," he mumbles. The disappointment is visible in his entire body.

I narrow an eye at him, and sigh, leaning against the doorframe of my room. "Aqualad..."

"I somewhat like you in more than a friendly way, Raven," he splutters, holding his hands up in a signal of surrender, but also motioning for me to wait. Just one moment, please. "I realize that you may not believe me nor be seeking any sort of a relationship. I just figured I would give it a shot. It's no secret that you're beautiful. I'm not sure if you realize."

Not really. I cross my arms and rub a hand along my outfit. I wish I could throw my hood up without seeming rude. I want to sink into my cloak and into the darkness it provides. "Thank you," I say, and I have to clear my throat and repeat it for it to be audible. He means what he says.

"It's truth." He takes the smallest step forward and I throw my hand out to catch him in the chest. No more. He knows he crossed a line, and he hurries back, looking ashamed of himself. I feel bad for him. I should let him down easy.

"We're very different."

"How would you know if you don't know me that well?"

"I just know. Look at us." Silence. Defeat. "I really appreciate it but I'm not...I'm not looking for anything right now. From anyone. Perhaps not ever. I enjoy my privacy, my alone-ness. I thrive on it."

"I understand." He is being honest.

My respect for him soars. I reach out for a tiny handshake and he smiles, taking it. He dips his head and leaves me alone, reminding me that tonight is pizza night. I thank him and agree that I wouldn't miss it for the world, retreating back into my room. I wrap my cloak around myself. Back to safety.

But I don't really feel any better.

A black portal opens up above me and I float into it, emerging on the other side into a ruthless storm just as lightning flashes across the city. I'm on the roof of the tower. I assumed he would be here. And he is.

Rain pours all over me, soaking my cloak, but I'm more worried about Beast Boy. He's sitting on the edge of the tower, wet to the bone, and not moving. He has probably been here for several minutes, since our last encounter. His pointed ears lift at my arrival and his shoulders rise. He tenses but doesn't move to escape, although I wouldn't blame him if he tried. Embarrassment, guilt and sadness roll off of him in waves, smacking me in the face like a bare hand. I block it out and step forward. "Beast Boy?"

"Come to kick my ass?" he asks, giving a dry laugh. He doesn't look at me. I take a seat next to him and it's obvious he is shifting away from me, like touching me will be the end of him. "You can go on and do it. I won't bother running this time. I deserve it."

"You don't." It slipped out. It was immediate. It's true. He doesn't deserve my anger. I can't even bring myself to feel it. I haven't at all, not once, throughout the entire situation. I just now realize that.

I feel like I switch to auto-pilot. I throw my cloak over him, forcing him to face me. His eyes are telling me everything he wants to with his mouth. Normally I would have refrained, but my hand runs through his wet hair to get it out of his face. Would I do this for anyone? Have I ever?

No.

I close my eyes and sigh. "Garfield."

A slight wince. "Yes?"

I open my eyes and look at him once more. I pull one corner of my mouth in and just shake my head. Then I drape my arms around him and bring him in against me, sharing my warmth. That's what I call it. What I really did was hug him. He is still for a moment, then melts into my grip, his own arms closing around my thin waist. My cloak falls over our faces and I can only see the glint in his eyes and fangs. His breath is warm. His body is cold, but I'm fixing that at the moment.

"Rae, I can't help what I want," he confesses, his voice just above a whisper. I have to listen hard to hear him over the thunder and the rain. "I just want it. Really bad."

"What do you want?"

"You, I guess..."

"You guess?"

"I want you." He leans his head against mine, and we're touching. Breathing together. But that's all. I'm immobilized again. He notices. "But I don't want to if it's going to be like this. You don't want me back. I don't want to lose your friendship, more than I want you."

"You could never lose it."

"But...?"

"There is no 'but.' I just wasn't expecting this. I'm not exactly your dream woman."

He gasps. "But you are, Raven! You're my best friend, and you're everything I could ever dream of...You're smart, you're tame when I'm not, and we all know I'm a dumbass, and you're funny where I only try to be, and you're...well...look at you. Gorgeous. You're, uh, my other half."

Gorgeous. His compliments make me actually feel squirmy and flustered. It felt empty coming from Aqualad, even if he meant what he said.

"If you want to be, only," he adds. His voice had become loud and rushed during his explanation. Excited. Spilling it all out. Now it's careful and quiet again.

"I won't lie to you," I confess. "I don't know what I want. Not exactly. I just know you're my best friend, too. You mean the world to me, you really do...I like how close you get to me, and only when you do it. I appreciate everything you have done for me. With me. Over the years, I never saw us growing this close, but we have, against all odds."

I stop talking and I really look at him. I see the face of a lover. I can see myself with him, easily, when his arms are around me. Polar opposites, and yet, as "friends" here we were, holding one another during a storm.

"I lied," I whisper. "I think I am attracted to you. I'm just afraid of it."

He hides his face from me, burying it in my neck. I get goosebumps all over my body, and it isn't from the weather. His voice is muffled. He isn't doing anything, just childishly refusing to face me. "Afraid of liking me or afraid of me? Or afraid of liking me because I'm a dork? Or afraid of-"

I shrug his head off of me and take his face in my hands, forcing him to look me in the eyes. My cloak has fallen off of us and we're both already wet, just getting wetter. I squint against the wind. "I want you to kiss me again." I need to know if what I'm saying isn't just influence. It might be. If it is, I don't mind it that way, either.

"Really?"

"Shut up and do it."

"'Kay." Very awkwardly, he comes back to lightly press our faces together. He's scared to actually kiss me, so I tilt my head and force his lips to come into contact with mine. I shiver. It doesn't take much more for him to really start kissing me again. His arms around me tighten and I'm pulled against his chest. His heart is thudding, racing against mine.

My breath is stolen from me and my first reaction is to turn into stone, but I fight it. I expected it this time. I win. I try to move my lips the same way he is. I'm tingling all over. My stomach jumps into my throat as he gets more and more forceful with it. I like it, a lot.

I think about this in my head while we kiss. I wonder what my reservations are. I wonder if it's because I see him as that silly boy that he once was, but no longer is. I wonder what my team might think. Not this one. My real one. I don't want to be made fun of. But how could they? They don't know what this feels like. They don't even know him like I do. They don't know me.

I let out a whimper that turns into a gasp, straight into his mouth, when I feel fingers brush hard between my legs. I let him kiss my jawline and down into the crook of my neck, simply waiting while his hand pleases me through my uniform.

This is fast.

This is nice. This is very nice. But I know better. Maybe.

I feel myself going a bit limp and I finally push him away when his fingers tug at the edge of my uniform, asking permission to slip underneath. He has taken off his gloves. It's pure temptation. I want him to finish what he's started.

"Not yet," I find myself huffing, instead of "No." Because I don't want to say no.

His face flushes red and he just nods and gives me a trademark, lopsided, shy grin. Or is that a sly grin?

I've really gotten myself into...something.

Author's Note:

Here we are, finally. I honestly do not know if it felt rushed or not, I tried to drag out the start of this romance over 6 chapters, and we have several more to go and many things I want to do and cover. I know I should be adding more to the atmosphere and other characters and surroundings, and I will. But I'm focusing mainly on Raven and BB, and their inner dialogue. I always figured their romance would come from BB first, and then escalate rather fast out of passion from him, and starvation from Raven. So we'll see what you think. Believable or no?

M rating pretty much goes into play from here on out. I'll try to please everyone, but this is pretty much just something I do at night in my free time. I'll try to post lots of chapters in the coming month or even finish it, because in one month, I will be traveling to spend 2 months with my long distance boyfriend for the summer (3 years and going strong). I'm going to be way too happy and busy cuddling and stuff (aha...and stuff) with him to even think about this story.

Review!