Peeta
Pennsylvania 1936 (age 13)
"Don't forget to bend your knees." Dad says smiling. "You're getting so tall."
We're both wearing white robes, which seems ridiculous to me even though I've seen people wear them a thousand times for this same purpose. I'm not sure how the church women get this dingy lake water out of them afterwards. Bleach, I guess. People are gathering by the lake to watch. The turnout is good, of course. Dad's baptizing thirty people. I'm just one of them.
"I won't forget. It would be embarrassing for you if I drowned," I tease him and am rewarded with one of his most genuine smiles.
I love to see him smile. The last few years have been hard on him and my mother, and I often overhear them talking late into the night. She cries, and Dad talks to her softly. I'm not supposed to hear any of it, but I do. I think they are talking about my brother who died, and I miss him too. Maybe if we could talk about him anytime we wanted things would be better.
I'm the last one in line at the lake, and when it's my turn I take Dad's hand and step down into the water which reaches my waist.
"This is my son, Peter," Dad says, another smile breaking across his face. It noticeably changes the cadence of his formal speaking voice. "Most of you know Peter," he goes on. Amused snickers can be heard coming from the crowd as Dad continues. "He comes today to publicly profess his faith and be baptized before this congregation. Is that correct, Peter?"
The crowd is silent as I softly answer, "yes." Then, anticipating the next few moments, I take a deep breath, put my hand over my mouth, and pinch my nose closed with my fingers.
"I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit," my father says. His voice catches, and he pauses. His hands seem unsteady when he places one over the hand I'm resting it across my nose and mouth and his other hand on my back. Closing my eyes, I do all the work of leaning back into the water because I know Dad's tired. At the last second he dunks my head underneath the surface of the lake, but I can still hear his muffled voice saying, "We are buried with Christ in Baptism." My toes search for the lake bottom again and when they find purchase I start to stand up. My face breaks the surface of the water a fraction of a second later. "And we are raised to walk in a new life," Dad finishes.
Our hands drop to my side, and Dad squeezes mine.
/
Cold water splashes my face, and I startle awake sputtering and gasping.
"Sorry. So sorry," Cai tells me, laying an open hand on my heaving chest. In her other hand she holds some kind of pottery pitcher, but she quickly sits it down to brush some of my drenched hair off my forehead. Her eyes dart up and down my body, looking me over worriedly.
"I had to wake you for you to drink," Cai explains in a flustered tone. "My mother says nobody lives long without water."
I nod and raise my gaze to meet her concerned one, but I wonder why the dousing with water was necessary just to wake me. Was I really that out of it? Looking out toward the mouth of the cave I notice that it's dusk, but I don't know what day it is. Now I know why people scratch tally marks in the walls of jail cells. It's so they know how long they've been imprisoned. I try to ask Cai what day it is, but my mouth is so dry that I can't form words.
"See. Drink," Cai encourages as she pushes a metal cup filled with lukewarm water into the palm of my hand. I wrap my fingers tightly around it, put it to my lips, and am starting to take a sip when I'm struck by the memory of Cai's lips brushing mine. My eyes grow wide, and I grimace with embarrassment. Cai cocks her head to the side curiously as I lower my gaze in an attempt to hide my reactions. I don't even know if what I remember actually happened. Did I pull Cai down to me as I'd wanted to do? Did her lips brush mine? Did she want that?
I wonder if Cai hates me…or will hate me, and I can't bear that thought. She's one of the few human beings I have contact with anymore. She doesn't act like she hates me. And Delly. What would Delly say if she could see what's been happening with Cai? I'm simply trying to survive. There's still a chance that I might be able to get back home. But Delly would be so upset if she knew I'd touched another girl. I close my eyes tightly and try to picture Delly's sweet smile, sincere eyes, and soft blonde curls. Then I reach my hand up to the pocket of my uniform, but I don't feel the stiff paper of the photograph of Delly I've been carrying there during my time in the war. It probably fell apart in the water of the rice paddy and was washed away in pieces by whoever cleaned my uniform. Suddenly I ache to have that little piece of paper back, to hold it in the palm of my hand as I have so many times before.
Cai, apparently sensing my distress, pulls on my shoulders awkwardly. I attempt to sit up so I can get into a better position for drinking. Once I'm almost sitting Cai quickly plops down with her back pressed up against mine, making sure I stay upright despite my weakness. I take a few sips of water and realize how good it feels against my parched lips and mouth. Cai feels good too, so good.
I close my eyes again, willing my thoughts to shift back to my fiancée. The night before I left home for the army comes to mind. Delly and I leaned up against that rocky ledge overlooking the valley at the state park for so long that the chill from the ground finally reached my bones. You'd think that all the kissing and caressing would have kept me warm, but fear had set in also.
"We should probably be getting back to the car," I told Delly. "Your parents might be worried about you."
"Oh, I doubt that. I'm with you. And we deserve some time to say…well, you know. People understand."
"Goodbye." She couldn't even admit that we were saying goodbye.
"I'd stay here all night with you if I could," she continued, and she snuggled her cheek against the side of my body, tickling the skin over my ribs.
"And why don't you?" I asked in a whisper, the words coming out more suggestively than I'd intended.
Delly grinned.
"Because you're already feeling guilty about the ration cards we used for the gas to drive all the way out here, and you're concerned about whether my parents are worried about me. No reason to add to that when I can just try to make you happy for a little while. You're very predictable, Peter. That's one reason I love you."
"Dependable. I prefer the term dependable," I told her as I leaned in to kiss her again.
"Don't worry. My father won't mind," she said, fighting my attempts to distract her. "About the ration cards, I mean," Delly continued. "Besides, I'm loaning my country you, Peter. That's enough of a sacrifice, don't you think?" She lowered her head so that I ended up kissing her forehead instead of her lips. Then she ran her hand across my chest and buried her face in my shoulder.
"I'm so afraid," Delly admitted in a trembling voice. "Why is this happening?"
"I'm sorry," I blurt out to Cai as my thoughts shift back to the present. "I was so sick. I wasn't thinking. I hope I didn't do anything…" I try to think of the right word in Chinese. I'm looking for something like 'disrespectful,' but respect is rather a different concept here. I have to be careful I choose the right word, and I can't think of any of the right ones at the moment. "I hope I didn't do anything wrong," I finally say, not sure if that wording is any better.
I feel Cai shift a little behind me.
"Keep drinking. You are better today," she says, her voice lifting hopefully at the end of the sentence.
My fever is down. That's for sure. My leg is still disturbingly red and swollen, but as long as I don't move it too much the pain's more tolerable.
Cai continues to sit behind me quietly. If anything about me has made her feel uncomfortable, at least she hasn't given up on taking care of me. For the moment I'm dependent on her and her family.
She shifts again, and I wonder if Cai knows what I truly meant when I said, "sorry."
"You were kind, and I shouldn't have…" I begin. Then I stop, unsure of what else to say. What if some of the things I remember didn't even happen?
I hear Cai swallow. Suddenly her hand covers mine, her fingers stroking my skin. Her hands are calloused and rough from work, but that friction in her touches only makes them more intriguing.
"I am glad you are better, Peeta," Cai tells me.
My fingers tremble under hers. Her touch sends frissons of electricity up my arm. I am sure she feels it too.
Oh, no. I can't do this. Not here. Not with Cai. What about Delly? I can't do this. I'm just lonely. That's all. Perhaps Cai is just as lonely, but none of that would be an excuse for acting on some fleeting feelings.
There's the sound of rocks being moved at the mouth of the cave, and Min crawls inside moments later.
"Mother says we have to wash that wound," she announces.
I can just make out enough to understand that she's boiled some strips of cloth and that they will wash the wound with the ones that are still wet and wrap it with the ones that have dried.
"Uncover your leg. Just your leg," Min says matter-of-factly. She's sounds just like her mother. She's probably going to start tossing items around the cave any minute since she's already ordering everybody around. Cai warns me that she's going to move and slowly removes herself from supporting me. She waits patiently for a moment to make sure I'm able to sit up unassisted, and I'm surprised to find that I can. When Cai crawls around to where I can see her again I notice that she looks flushed and avoids my knowing glances. Min passes Cai the bowl of water she dragged in from outside the cave.
"You have to learn to do this by yourself," Min tells her with a firm tone. "Mother and I have to go…"
"I know. I know," Cai says.
Min returns to the task at hand by slowly untying the bandages. When the last layer pulls at the wound and I flinch, Cai squeezes my shoulder gently with her hand. I relax more than I thought I could. Min's eyes briefly glance at her sister's gesture. Cai looks down at the wound, wincing a little and then softening her expression when she sees me watching at her.
Min puts her finger in the water.
"Not too hot," she points out to Cai. Then she stares at Cai as if waiting for her to continue the process of cleaning the wound.
Cai hesitantly pours the water over my leg spilling a little of it on the blanket. She dabs the cloth against the wound but looks away twice as she works. I watch her, unable to tear my eyes away. Watching her somehow dulls the pain.
"How does your mother know all this?" I ask.
"She's a healer. She learned in the city when she was young," Cai explains.
"What city?" I ask.
She doesn't answer, only looks away. Min takes over dressing the wound. I turn my head and watch as Cai leaves the cave, wondering what made her leave so abruptly. I had thought for years that I didn't have the stomach for being a doctor, but apparently Cai is much more squeamish than I am.
I hear a man's voice as Cai nears the entrance of the cave and look nervously to Min.
"It's all right," she tells me.
/
Cai
Gao is soft on his feet, but I can hear him. Years of living in the same family makes him so familiar to me that I can almost recognize his breathing as distinct from Min's or my mother's. By comparison, knowing his footsteps or sensing his presence is easy. He watches me sometimes, and I used to think it was simply because he was growing older and closer to the time that we'd be old enough to marry. When that time for marriage came and went I found explanations for his behavior harder to come by. What was his interest in me if not as a wife? Why did he stare?
Now that Peeta is here I've noticed that Gao watches me even more intensely. Could he be jealous? He hasn't followed me into the cave when I care for Peeta at all, but he certainly seems to know when I'm there. So when I hear his footsteps outside the cave I decide to go out to talk to him. Min seems to intuitively understand. Perhaps she's noticed the increase in his quiet observations of me also.
"So how's the ghost?" he asks, referring to Peeta.
"Are you asking if he's dead?" I reply sarcastically.
"No. If he were dead you wouldn't be out here. He's what pulls you away from where you should be."
"And where should I be, Gao?" I ask.
He doesn't answer. Though he holds all the power in our relationship at the moment Gao often backs down if I challenge him. I've come to believe that he feels badly for letting me down and rejecting the life his father planned for him.
"By the way, his name is Peeta. We should probably call him that," I tell Gao.
"Really? So how is Peeta then?" Gao asks, raising an eyebrow.
I sigh and shake my head. "He had a bad night last night. A fever."
"But he'll live?" Gao asks.
"How would I know," I answer, frustration clear in my voice.
Gao curses, and I startle from the shock of hearing it. He doesn't usually say such words in front of me, and even amongst the men of our community he usually avoids them. "He's going to get us all killed, Cai. Why did you insist on going back for him?" Gao asks in a harsh whisper.
I start to walk away, but Gao grabs my arm and I quickly turn toward him again.
"They'll come looking for survivors, Cai. The Japanese. They'll send soldiers."
"Why would they?"
"Because there are survivors sometimes. In this case, one survivor."
I pause, a shiver running down my spine at the thought of soldiers here at our farm. But Gao is always trying to manipulate me, and I won't let him do it this time.
"Stop it, Gao. If the soldiers come then it will be because that plane crashed in our rice paddy, not because we're hiding Peeta…"
"But if they find out we helped him in any way it will be a thousand times worse than if we'd just left him in the rice paddy," Gao interrupts. "We should put him back where we found him and make everything look as it did before."
I stare at Gao for a moment, unable to wrap my mind around the idea of exposing Peeta to that kind of danger. While it's true that I thought it would be better if he died when I first brought Min out to see him in the field, now I know him.
"I just want to keep you safe, and what about your mother? What about Min?" Gao adds, touching my arm gently with his fingertips.
As I'm listening to him I wonder why he doesn't just say, "we're putting Peeta back where we found him." I question why he doesn't use the authority I know he probably could exert over me. And then I realize something. Gao still wants me on his side. He wants me to willingly be whatever I am to him, even if he only thinks of me as a something like a sister.
"You can't keep me safe. There is no 'safe' anymore," I tell him. "Leave Peeta alone, Gao."
"I'll decide whether I leave him alone, and I'll actually consider people other than myself when I do it," he answers.
I turn away quickly, before Gao can stop me again. As I make my way out to the field I wonder if I should have tried to calm Gao. If he became angry enough, could he hurt Peeta? Kill him?
I stop walking, sobered by the thought of Gao killing this man I met only a few days ago. Gao could certainly kill if he thought he was shielding us from harm. Normally I'd be proud and grateful for his protectiveness, but I don't want Peeta to die.