Chapter 3: Memory Black Hole

Raphael: I was actually surprised I was alive, I felt dead from the moment I got the attack. When, I began to wake up I found that everyone was embracing me in a warm hug. My eyesight was still blurry and the sounds around me where echoing in my head. I felt dizzy and extremely exhausted, just like before.

"Let's go boys, let your brother rest." I heard Sensei tell the other three. Leonardo took my mask off. I tried thanking him but, my voice wasn't working.

"Shh, just rest Raph.", he reassured me. Once he closed the door behind him my mind was bombarded with questions. Why did the anxiety come back? That's when I remembered that Mikey saw me like this, again. Shit, shit, shit.

I fell asleep with dried tears, there were so many questions, doubts, and regret on my mind, I didn't even know how to process it all.

I opened my eyes and found myself in the living room, which was furnished like nine years ago…? I was confused at why the living room looked like it did nine years ago then, I found my favorite comic book as a kid in my hands. Surprised, I threw it at the TV only to hear a six year old Leo growl at me when the channel accidentally changed.

"Gee, thanks Raph! Now I can't see what happened to Batman!" he yelled at me. What the hell...why was he six? Then I felt something or rather someone tumble on my back.

"WEEEE!'' a six year old Mikey tackled me down. Instinctively I threw him off me. "Ow, why'd you do that?!", he shouted at me. I was so weirded out, why were they both six?!

"Don't mind him Mikey; he's not feeling like himself today." Leo glared at me. Instead of fighting back like I usually do, I ran to the bathroom to see if I was nine years younger too. But, when looked at the mirror, there was no reflection of me. I got freaked out so I hit the mirror to see if it was just one of Donnie's pranks. I guess I hit it too hard because, the mirror smashed into a billion pieces and cut some of my skin. I was bleeding just a little but, it still stung. Then I noticed a large piece of mirror and I held it to see if I could at least see myself there.

Terrified I chucked the piece of mirror at the wall but, it bounced right back, cutting me deeply in the arm. I saw myself in that mirror, I was younger, leaner, shorter, but I had brown eyes just like Donnie's.

I woke up screaming and sweating. It was just a nightmare. I smacked my face, why was I so fucking scared at me having brown eyes. I felt like a stupid little girl that was scared of everything. For some reason, that dream cut another deep wound in me, just like me not being in those pictures did.

Two seconds later, I heard all three of my brothers charging at my door at full speed. My door slammed open and the three of them looked at me with eyes widened in worry.

"Are you alright?!" asked Leo panting his eyes checking me over to see if I had hurt myself.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I reassured him. "..Just a nightmare." they let out a sigh of relief and their once tensed shoulders slumped in relaxation. They walked out of the room telling me to rest and to yell if anything happened. I rolled my eyes and gave a slight nod; they were treating me like if I was completely handicapped. I could take care of myself but, I secretly grinned in my mind, their signs of affection weren't really hidden anymore.

I fell asleep until 2:34 AM. I wasn't tired anymore so I meditated a little, then I took out the old album and checked it out a second time.

Why wasn't I there? Did Master Splinter hate me? Was I not considered family then? Was I being stupid and refused to have pictures taken of me? That's when I realized, thati barely even remembered anything from my childhood other than the principle funny memories and my favorite comics.

I got so frustrated with my own thoughts and Sensei's secrecy about my childhood that I chucked the album at my bed headboard. I instantly regretted it and cradled it in my hands like a worried parent over an injured child. Then, a small photo slid out of a hidden pocket of the old album. It was a picture of me as a kid but, my eyes were scribbled over with a black sharpie. WHAT THE FUCK?

So the one picture that I find as proof that I was a kid once too, has my eyes scribbled. It reminded me of the horrible nightmare I had recently.

I tried to get off my bed then; I realized that my anxiety attack had actually weakened me up. My legs were trembling and I could stand up. My skeleton felt like it was mainly consisted of jelly. When I moved my leg towards my closet, I literally had to shove my fist in my mouth just so I wouldn't scream bloody murder. It hurt so much, the sharp pain stroke up my leg to my spine like a nerving cramp crawling up my back. Yet, I wasn't going to give up soon either.

I dropped to all fours and I crawled to get my gear, pair of sai, and my red mask. I painfully put it all on. I gathered all the energy I had to sneak out of my underground home.

After what has happened, I began to have doubts of the family I cared, trusted, did best to protect, and loved. I couldn't believe Splinter would hide things crucial to my knowledge.

As I ran over the rooftops of New York I felt my eyes sting as tears flew behind me. I ran and ran through the night trying to run from the painful memories and the secrets of my childhood.