Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own

Word- normal

Word -3

Warning: 3's temper and language

Headhunters

How blind is that guy!? How the hell did this guy think that this was an accident!

3 shouted at the TV watching, Dipper's favorite show,Duck-Tective. 3 was sitting in as always, Dipper's vest watching the program with him while Mabel dropped what she was knitting…a sweater or something. "That duck is a genius!" She said amazed. Really, it's obvious; bodies can't fall and twist itself in those positions!

"Eh, it's easier to find clues when you're that close to the ground." Dipper said in a superior tone. True, you should know that, huh Dipper; 3 playfully joked with Dipper hoping the twins may one day hear its thoughts.

Mabel was gave him a doubtful look, "Are you saying you could outwit Duck-Tective?"

He smiled at Mabel and said, "Mabel, I have very keen powers of observation. For example, just by smelling your breath, I can tell that you have been eating." He sniffed her breath gave her a weird look, "...an entire tube of toothpaste?!"

Can't that kill you?

Her mouth was covered in toothpaste, "It was so sparkly..." Yet another example of something that wasn't there before. At that moment Soos walked in the room. "Hey, dudes, you'll never guess what I found!" A living doll? "Buried treasure!" Mabel laughed and pushed Dipper, "Hey, I was gonna say that!"

They went to a dusty hallway and Soos said, "So I was cleaning up, when I found this secret door, hidden behind the wallpaper. Its crazy bonkers creepy!" The door creaked open ominously and in the darken room was filled with wax sculptures of: Robin Hood, Sherlock Holmes, a lady with an axe, Genghis Khan, a Queen and many others.

"Whoa! It's a secret wax museum!" Dipper said in amazement looking at them. I was 'kind of" right, they're just as creepy and I swear they're watching us, 3 thought observing from its place in Dipper's vest.

Mabel looked at Sherlock and whispered, "They're so lifelike." Dipper looked at one that looked like Stan, "Except for that one."

"Hello!" it called. Dipper, Mabel, 3and Soos screamed in surprise it chuckles and said "It's just me, your Grunkle Stan!" They just scream louder and ran away. My 'eyes', MY 'EYE'S' IT'S BURNS!

After calming down, the 4 returned to hear Stan's explanation. "Behold the Gravity Falls Wax Museum! It was one of our most popular attractions... before I forgot all about it." Then it mustn't have been as popular as you thought, 3 thought cynically.

"I got them all! Genghis Khan, Sherlock Holmes, some kind of, I don't know, goblin man?"

Dipper looked around shuttering in disgust. "Is anyone else getting the creeps here?" Ditto.

Stan ignored them and stopped at a melted blob. "And now for my personal favorite: Wax Abraham Lincoln, right over" He glanced down and gasped in horror. "Oh! Oh no! Come on, who left the blinds open?" He looks at another statue with suspicious eyes and said, "Wax John Wilkes Booth, I'm looking in your direction!" He bent down and put a finger in wax sadly, and sighed. "How do you fix a wax figure?" Molds and food dye.

Mabel smiled and said, "Cheer up, Grunkle Stan. Where's that smile?" He just grunted and Mabel continued, "Don't worry, Grunkle Stan. I'll make you a new wax figure from all this old wax!" Well that's kind of you.

Stan looked doubtful and asked "You really think you can make one of these puppies?" gesturing at the statues. She gave him a superior smile and said "Grunkle Stan, I'm an arts and crafts master. Why do you think I always have this glue gun stuck to my arm?" I just noticed that.

Stan smiled and gave her the job. "I like your gumption, kid!"

"I don't know what that word means, but thank you!"

It means sense or practicality

Later when the wax had hardened into a block, Dipper and 3 approached Mabel who was dressed up in a painter's smock and beret; Dipper choked on his drink when she jumped down to greet her.

"What do you think of my wax figure idea?" she showed Dipper and 3 a blond woman with a horse's body in a badly fitting pink dress. "She's part fairy princess, and part horse fairy princess!"

They're saying kill me, kill me now and end my suffering.

Dipper, being more tactful, said, "Maybe you should carve something from real life".

Mabel shows Dipper another sketch that showed a waffle with disproportionate arms. "Like a waffle, with big arms!"

What kind of world are you living in?

"Y-okay... Or, you know, something else. Like- like someone in your family." Carve Dipper, or I, 3 told no one in particular. Stan then walked in with his boxers on and asked, "Kids, have you seen my pants?" I think I saw them in the freezer.

Mabel stared at him with stars in her eyes. "Oh, Muse. You work in mysterious ways." She said to the ceiling. "Why's your sister talking to the ceiling?" he asked Dipper, I ask myself the same thing,

A Few Days Later

3, Dipper, and Soos were with Mabel to see her place the finishing touches on Wax Stan. "I think...it needs more glitter." For you, there is no such thing as too much glitter. Soos nodded, "Agreed." He handed Mabel a bucket of glitter, who then throws the glitter all over Wax Stan.

At that moment Stan walks in with his pants on but not his shoes, "I found my pants but now I'm missing my" he glances at Wax Stan and screamed and fell over in shock. That's an extreme reaction to a doppelgänger, 3 thought 'looking' at Stan in suspicious.

Mabel asks, "What do you think? Stan grinned and announced "I think...the Wax Museum's back in business!"

Timeskip

Stan somehow gathered most of town for the reopening of the Wax Museum; Dipper, 3, and Wendy were manning the ticket table. "I can't believe this many people showed up." Dipper said looking around, Wendy nodded, "I know, right? Your uncle probably bribed them or something."

Well I doubt its money. Dipper smirked and held up a 20. "He bribed me" Wendy smirked and did the same and the 2 shared a laugh. I stand corrected.

Stan walked up to the microphone and cleared his throat. "You all know me, folks! Town darling, 'Mr. Mystery.' Please, ladies, control yourselves!"

3 'looked' at them, wow; they're like wild animals on sugar, 3 thought sarcastically.

"As you know," Stan continued, "I always bring the people of this fair town novelties and befuddlements, the likes of which the world, has never known. But enough about me. Behold... me!" he joked and uncovered Wax Stan. There were a few claps and a cough and 3 was dosing as Soos tried to make it more exciting with a keyboard.

"And now a word from our own Mabel-Angelo!" Augh, puns everywhere, she went up to the mic and said, "It's Mabel. Thank you for coming! I made this sculpture with my own two hands! It's covered in my blood, sweat, tears, and other fluids!" Gross! TMI. "Yeah. I will now take questions!" she pointed to the crazy machine man. "You there!"

"Old Man McGucket, local kook. Are the wax figures alive? And, follow-up question, can I survive the wax man uprising?" Not likely .And who was that bald guy, he seemed eager to leave.

"Um...Yes! Next question!" she pointed to a small mousey man in a news reporter outfit.

"Toby Determined, Gravity Falls Gossiper. Do you really think this constitutes a wonder of the world?" Is that a turkey baster? "Your microphone's a turkey baster, Toby." Stan said in a long suffering voice. "It certainly is..." Toby said sadly.

"Next question." he points to another reporter that was a tall attractive woman, "Shandra Jimenez, a real reporter. Your flyers promised free pizza with admission to this event. Is this true?" So that's why they're here.

The audience soon became agitated and started to yell, "That's what I heard! Come on! What a rip-off! Pizza? I want my pizza!" Stan, Dipper, and 3 became nervous. "That was a typo. Good night, everyone!" He escaped via smoke bomb and taking the admission fee with him as the crowd started to riot.

We should probably barricade ourselves.

Later that night

"Hot pumpkin pie! Look at all this cash! And I owe it all to one person, this guy!" Stan voiced gleefully, he pointed at Wax Stan and said to Mabel, "Ooh! Yeah, you too, ya little gremlin. Now you kids wash up. We got another long day of fleecing rubes tomorrow. Go, go!" Aww, I wanted to watch more Duck-Tective, 3 whined.

3 was lying on Dipper's bed waiting for them to come back when it 'heard' Stan's scream. What's going on? Then Dipper came running into the room and nearly fainted in relief when he saw 3 still where he left it. "Thank God it wasn't stolen" he murmured against the binding.

Stolen? Dipper walked down stairs to and 3 'saw' Mabel on the couch, unconscious and Stan wailing over…his beheaded statue!? Okay it was jerky to lie about pizza, but attempted murder is a little extreme. Soon the police show up and Stan explained what happened.

"I got up to use the john, right? And when I come back, blammo! He's headless!" Mabel was despairing over her hard work, "My expert handcrafting besmirched. Besmirched!" "Who would do something like this?" Dipper asked no one in particular. Either it was someone who loves their pizza or really hates Stan; which is about 90% of the town.

The tall Deputy turned to the short sheriff, "What's your opinion, Sheriff Blubs?"

"Look, we'd love to help you folks, but let's face the facts... this case is unsolvable." He said taking a drink of coffee.

Dipper, Mabel, 3 and Stan all yell "What?!" which caused Blubs to choke on the liquid. It's not unsolvable; you and your moron of a partner are too stupid and lazy to bother! What if the real Stan was killed, would that be unsolvable too?! 3 screeched in fury.

Stan was beside himself, "You take that back, Sheriff Blubs!"

Dipper, the ever voice of reason and intelligence said, "You're kidding, right? There must be evidence, motives. You know, I could help if you want." Yeah, he could do your job blindfolded and with both hands tied behind his back you lazy louts.

"He's really good. He figured out who was eating our tin cans!" Mabel seconded. "All signs pointed to the goat." Yessssss, the evil, evil goat. Stan readily agreed, "Yeah, yeah! Let the boy help. He's got a little brain up in his head."

Sheriff Blubs smiled patronizingly, "Oooh! Would you look at what we got here! City boy thinks he's gonna solve a mystery with his fancy computer phone!" That's socist.

"City boy! City boy!" the luging moron called out.

"You are adorable!" Blubs smirked at Dipper. "Adorable?"

The cops continued to laugh at him. "Look, P.J.'s, how about you leave the investigating to the grown-ups, okay?" That's ageist. How about I show you an unsolvable crime; no one ever suspects the book, you ineffective morons!

Suddenly the walkie talkie suddenly crackled to life. "Attention, all units. Steve is about to fit an entire cantaloupe in his mouth. Repeat an entire cantaloupe!" What?

"It's a 23-16!" You mean there's actually a code for that!?

The cops leave and Dipper declared he'd get to the bottom of this to prove he's not adorable; then he sneezed; aw, you do sneeze like a kitten.

That morning. "Wax Stan has lost his head and it's up to us to find it." It was probably someone at the reopening who was cheated one too many times by Stan or lost their temper.

"There were a lot of unhappy customers at the unveiling. The murderer could have been anyone."

"Yeah! Even us!" Mabel agreed. Don't look at me, I don't have hands.

"In this town, anything is possible. Ghosts, zombies, it could be months before we find our first clue." And that's being optimistic, 3 thought quietly; maybe they'll get lucky and get a clue- "Hey, look! A clue." …Soon, 3 'looked' down and saw foot prints with a hole in them.

Dipper exclaimed, "Footprints in the shag carpet!" "That's weird. They've got a hole in them." "And they're leading to..." they fallowed the prints to an axe they glance at each other and went to the gift shop to talk to Soos.

Dipper asks, "So, what do you think?"

"In my opinion, this is an axe." Yes, we noticed that.

Mabel had an epiphany, "Wait a minute. The lumberjack!" the twins and their book remember lumberjack's anger and violence yesterday. "He was furious when he didn't get that free pizza." Dipper said. Yeah…"Furious enough, for MURDER!"

"Oh, you mean Manly Dan. Yeah, he hangs out at this crazy intense biker joint downtown." I wonder how he got that name.

"Then that's where we're going" Mabel declared. "Dude, this is awesome. You two are like: The Mystery Twins!" Soos declared. Wait does this make me the loveable pet or ancient guide?

"Don't call us that." They went to town passing by the evil goat and Stan was pulling out a coffin. He also gave the twins permission to avenge Wax Stan.

"This is the place. Got the fake IDs?" Mabel gives Dipper 2 two cards, Dipper looks at it. Mabel, this won't work, they're not official enough. "Here goes nothing."

"We're here to interrogate Manly Dan the lumber jack for the murder of wax Stan" Mabel said in an official tone while showing unconvincing cards, with googly-eyes.

"Works for me."

The guard opened the door for the twins. I can't believe that worked 3 though as Dipper said they should try to blend in. Dipper interview Dan, but found out that he punched a clock and wasn't at the scene of the crime; they also found out the axe was left-handed, which lead to the twins to determine who's left handed.

They narrowed it down to Toby Determined, the reporter who was using a turkey baster and was upstaged by another reporter. And he looked so harmless to. "You kids better be right about this or you'll never get the end of it." Blubs muttered to Dipper. "The evidence is irrefutable."

"It so irrefutable."

"I gonna get to use my match stick!" Durland announced proudly. I'm pretty sure good police shouldn't be excited for violence, but don't mind me, I'm just a book. "You ready? You ready little fella?" "On 3! 1, 2 ..." Dipper counted then the police smashed down the door

"Nobody move! This is a raid!"

"Aaaahh! What is this? Some kind of raid?" Toby yelped. He just said it was a raid.

Dipper announced, "Toby Determined, you're under arrest for murder of the wax body of Grunkle Stan."

While Mabel said, "You have the right to remain impressed with our awesome detective work."

You have the right to nothing and everything you say or don't say will be used against you with the full force of our liking.

"Allow me to explain. You were hoping that Grunkle Stan's new attraction would be the story that saved your failing newspaper. But when the show was a flop, you decided to go out and make your own headline. But you were sloppy, and all the clues pointed to a shabby shoe belong to who has caught left handed." Dipper announced.

"Toby Determined, you're yesterday news." Mabel quipped. Don't worry, your next scoop would be the gruel served in jail.

"Boy, you're little knees must be sore from jumping to conclusions. I had nothing to do with that murder.

"I knew it! Wait, what did you say? Nothing? You say nothing?" Dipper asked confused.

"Could you repeat?"

Sheriff Blubs asked, "Then where were you at the night of the break-in?"

Toby Determined then shows them a video that he was in his office making out with a cardboard version of Shandra Jimenez. As he kisses and sweet talked it. Augh, if I had a stomach and eyes, I'd puke it up and gouged my eyes out with a rusty nail, you creepy perverted man.

"Time state confirms. Toby, you're off the hook. You freak of nature." Damn, now we're back to square 1.

"But, but it has to be him! Check the axe for fingerprints!" Dipper asked desperately, but it was shown there were no prints. Nooo

"Hey I got a headline for you: city kids wasted every one's time." The dumb Deputy quipped maliciously as all the other adults.

Keep laughing you brain dead dumbasses, you won't be laughing when I snap your neck and bash in your skull…whoa there, calm down 3, starting to get a little homicidal there.

"Boy, I'd be pretty embarrassed if I were you two." Toby parted, ignoring his embarrassing video behind him. Ass.

Time skip

Stan begins the memorial, "Kids, Soos, lifeless wax figures, thank you all for coming. Some people might say it's wrong for a man to love a wax replica of himself." Just short of ultimate narcissism. Soos was in tears and shouted, "They're wrong!"

"Easy Soos. Wax Stan, I hope you a pickpocket in the wax heaven. I'm sorry; I got glitter in my eye!" Stan said as he and Soos left the room crying.

"Those cops are right about me." Dipper said sadly.

No, no, Dipper, if they're ever going to be right about something then it's going about something stupid or worthless. You're pinkie is worth more than an infinity of them. 3 told him with passion, wishing for all it's worth that Dipper could hear it's conscious. I may have been 3's awareness, but it could've sworn it saw Dipper smile slightly.

"Dipper, we've come so far, we can't give up now." Mabel said with conviction. She's right don't let those assholes drag you down to their level, it's a lose-lose situation arguing with the village idiots.

"But I considered everything: the weapon, the motive, the clues." He glanced at the coffin, "Wax Stan shoe has a hole in it?" It does?

"All the wax guys have that. So where the pole thingy attaches to their stand thing." Mabel said as a matter of fact. Wait, all Wax figures then that means…

Dipper reached the same conclusion, "Wait a minute, what has a hole on its shoe and no fingerprints? Mabel! The murderers are"

"Standing right behind you." The twins turned to see that all of the wax figures come to life. I did NOT see that coming.

"Wax Sherlock Holmes! Wax Shakespeare! Wax Coolio?" Who the hell is Coolio?

Wax Lizzie Borden takes her axe from Mabel as she hyperventilated , "Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!"

"Congratulations, my two amateur students, you have buried the truth, and now we're going to bury you." Wax Sherlock Holmes said menacingly.

"Bravo, Dipper Pines. You've discovered our little secret." He took wax Stan's head out from his cape. "Applaud, everyone, applaud sarcastically. Uh, no that's sounds too sincere. Slow clap. There we go, nice and condescending." Control Freak much?

Dipper was stunned, "But... how is this possible? You're made of wax!"

"Are you... magic?"

Wax Sherlock Holmes laughed condescendingly. "Are we magic? She wants to know if we're magic! We're CURSED!"

"Cursed! Cursed!" the others chanted

"Cursed to come to life whenever the moon is waxing. Your uncle bought us many years ago at a garage sale."

Wax Coolio continued, "A haunted garage sale, son!" They explained that they wanted revenge on Stan for locking them away; poor Wax Stan was just an unfortunate accident. "So, you're trying to murder Grunkle Stan for real?!" Dipper asked shocked. Oh, shit!

"You were right all along, Dipper! Wax people are creepy!"

"Enough! Now that you know our secret, you must... DIE." Can't we talk about this? 3 asked wildly as the wax moved in on the twins, "What do we do, what do we do?" Mabel asked frantically.

"I don't know!" Don't ask me! Dipper then threw coffee onto Genghis Khan

"That's it! We can melt them with hotty melty things!" The two grab decorative candles from the table and point them at the figures. "Anyone move and we'll melt you into candles!"

"Decorative candles!" Mabel added. Birthday candles for toddlers

"You really think you can defeat us?"

"I-I don't really know. I'm not-I'm not really sure." "It's worth a shot I guess." The twins said at the same time

"So be it...ATTACK!"

It was a free for all, the axe statue accidently beheaded some of her comrades as Dipper and Mabel melted other. Larry King's head was decapitated and rolled away. It went on until only Holmes was left standing. Dipper and Holmes got into sword/fire poker fights that lead to the roof...

"Come back here you brat!" In the scuffle, the 'S' in the sign fell off and Holmes called, "You really think you can outwit me boy? I'm Sherlock bleeding Holmes! Have you seen my magnifying glass?! It's enormous!" He managed to disarm, Dipper and was about to kill him. NOO! 3 screamed mentally, moving to cover Dipper's heart with itself acting as a shield. I won't let you kill him!

"Any last words?"

"Um... you got any sunscreen?" Huh?

"Got any-? What?" He turns and saw that the sun starting to rise. He gasps as he begins to melt,

"No."

"You know, letting me lead you outside? Probably not you sharpest decision." Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! 3 crowed.

"Outsmarted by a child in short pants! No! Fiddlesticks! Humbugs! Tiiter, total kerfuffle. Butter hullabaloo."

"Case closed!" Dipper said triumphantly as he wipes his hands together and the dust makes him sneeze. Still adorable.

"Ha ha! You sneeze like a kitten! Those policemen were right, you're adorable! Adorable!" Sherlock yelled as he 'died.' First thing he said that I agreed with.

"Dipper! You're okay! You solved the mystery after all." Mabel greeted after she disposed of the wax remains.

"I couldn't have done it without my sidekick."

"No offense Dipper, but you're the sidekick." No, you're the sidekick; he solved the mystery and beat Holmes so by default he's the leader.

"What? Says who? Have people been saying that? Have you heard that?" Don't mind her; she hates the thought of you being superior to her.

Stan walked in and saw the destruction, "Hot Belgium waffles! What happened to my parlor!?"

Mabel answered, "Your wax figures turned out to be evil, so we fought them to the death!"

"I decapitated Larry King." I protected your grandnephew with my body.

"Ha ha! You kids and your imaginations!" Stan said not believing them.

"On the bright side, though, look what we found." Dipper said as he handed Stan Wax Stan's head.

"My head! Ha ha! I missed this guy! You done good kids! Alright, line up for some affectionate noogie-ing." Pass.

"Oh I'm not so sure about that. Is there any other alternative...?" Dipper asked nervously

"Oh uh...I'm not so sure..."

Stan and the kids laugh as he noogies Dipper and Mabel. Just then Deputy Durland and Sheriff Blubs drives up to the window, "Solved the case yet, boy? I'm so confident you're gonna say no, that I'm gonna take a long slow sip from my cup of coffee." Blubs said tauntingly. As a matter of fact he did, you fat, screw up.

"Actually, the answer is yes." To the Pine's and 3's delight this triggered the cops to spit hot coffee in each other's face. "It burns! It burns!" Blubs screamed, "My eyes!" They drive away, screaming. Hmmm, that sounds familiar.

Stan laughs as a crash was heard nearby, "They got scalded!"

"So, did you get rid of all the Wax Figures?" Dipper asked Mabel.

"I am ninety-nine percent sure that I did!"

"Good enough for me!"

I have a bad feeling about this.