Journal chapter 6
Disclaimer: I do not own
Word-normal
Word-3 thinking
"Word"-3 talking to Dipper
Warnings for 3's temper and language; slight canon divergences.
Dipper vs Manliness
It's been 3 days since Dipper found out about 3 being alive and 3 was getting used to 'speaking' aloud or keeping to its own thoughts to itself. After a few errors, 3 thought they nailed it. They both agreed to keep this a secret from Mabel.
Dipper to relish the feeling of having a secret from his twin and 3 because it thought she couldn't keep a secret. It didn't want to end up in a lab with the Men in Black.
Today there was a guy taking WAY too long to decide which shirt to buy. "I like to get my Christmas shopping done early. Do you have anything that's in the spirit of the season?" There are snow globes, 3 thought as Dipper and Mabel came in the store to beg for food.
"Uh, how about these crystals?" Stan said as he pulled out a bowl of broken glass in an effort to get the guy out of the shack.
"Ha ha! Looks like broken glass." That's what I thought.
"What are you, a cop?"
"Ooh! What is that new thing?" The guy said running in a random direction.
"Grunkle Stan?" Dipper began, making sure that 3 was still in his vest.
"Can we go to the diner? We're hungry." Mabel groaned with Dipper and they bumped their growling stomachs together.
"Yeah, sure. Soon as this yahoo makes up his mind."
Said yahoo was looking at a trout covered in carpet, "Do you have this in another animal?"
"We'll be here all day." 3 whispered to Dipper, who cracked a smile.
"I'm fine locking him inside if you are." Stan said and they stuck a board through the handle with a closed sign in the door.
The Pines family plus 3 entered the diner where Old Man McGucket was on a caffeine high with the incompetent cops was seeing how fast they can eat pancakes. Stan smiled at the nice waitress and called out, "Lazy Susan! There's my little ray of sunshine! Where were you yesterday?"
"I got hit by a bus!" Well, you look okay? 3 thought confused as Stan laughed, thinking it was a joke.
"Thank you." So it was a joke?
"You do split plates, right?"
"Maybe...Wink!" She forces her eye to wink as both 3 and Dipper cringe. "That's disgusting." 3 whispered to Dipper who imperceptibly nodded.
"Great! We'll all split a one-fourth of the number seven, plus a free salad dressing for the lady and a small plate of ketchup for the boy." That's not food you cheapskate! 3 shouted in its thoughts, it decided to only curse and yell in its 'head' as it didn't want to draw attention to them.
"But Grunkle Stan, I want pancakes!" Mabel whined, tugging on Stan's sleeve.
"With the fancy flour they use these days? What am I, made of money?" "That dollar bill says otherwise."
Dipper smiled then noticed a manliness tester that had a prize of pancakes. "Don't worry guys, pancakes are on me. I'm gonna win some by beating that manliness tester." "I don't think that's a good idea, those things are usually rigged."
"Trust me on this." He whispered back.
"Manliness Tester?"
"Beating?" Mabel asked disbelievingly, and then burst into laughter with Stan. You could at least have some confidence in your brother, you know.
"He says he's...he says he…HA HA HA!"
"What? What's so funny?" Dipper asked disheartened while 3 growled lowly at them.
"Oh, no offense Dipper, but you're not exactly "Manly Mannington." Mabel said laughing. That's rude.
"Hey I am too "Manly Manny" or whatever it is you said."
"Mannington."
"Right."
"Look, face the music, kid. You got have no muscles, you smell like baby wipes, and let's not forget last Tuesday's, "incident." Oh screw off, you sing in the bathroom to more embarrassing songs then BABBA.
"You were listening to girly Icelandic pop sensation "BABBA"?" You listen to test tube, generic boy bands so you have no room to talk.
"No. Heh heh, I wasn't. It's not important. Look, come on guys, I'm plenty masculine. You see this chest hair?" He said as he took off his shirt, yeah, they're really fine though, but visible, if you ignore the blinding light.
"Put it away, put it away!" Mabel cried, shielding her eyes.
"So smooth! My eyes!"
"Aw man..." Dipper said disheartened. "If it makes you feel better, I believe in you." 3 said as the others laughed at him.
"Fine. Family of little faith. Get ready to eat your words. And a plate a delicious pancakes."
Dipper walks toward the manliness tester and psyched himself out to get ready. "Remember, it's all in the wrists." 3 cheered. This got a smile out of Dipper and calmed down his anxiety and drowned out Stan's impatient outburst. It was this encouragement he went from wimp to middle aged woman. A card comes out saying; you better go get your husband. This was better than cutie patootie.
"Oh, what? This thing must be broken. It's totally broken guys! It's like a million years old, probably ran out of steam power or-" Dipper was interrupted by Manly Dan pushing him out of the way and cracking his knuckles. "It's rickety man, you shouldn't even-"
Manly Dan pushes on the handle with his pinky and the machine automatically goes to "Manly Man" before exploding and announces free pancakes for everyone. Everyone cheered while Mabel and Stan laughed at Dipper. That's just showing off and not to mention rude, 3 huffed silently.
"I need to get some chest hair and fast." He tripped over a beaver poking out of the floor and ran out.
"Not manly enough, stupid diner, stupid lumberjack..." Dipper muttered to himself.
"Cheer up Dipper, his name is MANLY Dan, you saw what he did. I bet it implodes every time he brushes past it and they have to rebuild it from scratch to even withstand his touch. I bet without him you would've got at least a passable." 3 comforted, and then a stream of water splashed him.
Blubs said, "Another hydrant destroyed. It's a gosh dang mystery."
"Wanna take off our uniforms and run around in circles?" Just no, no.
He quickly took his shirt off and said, "Quit reading my mind." MY 'EYES'!
They both s tart running around with their shirts off and screaming in delight. Dipper backs up and bumps into a woman.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I was looking for the mailman." There is a mailbox not far from here.
"Oh what? Are you saying I'm not a "male man?" Is that what you're trying to say? I'm not male? I'm not a man? Is that-is that what you're getting at?" Dipper said agitatedly with tears pricking at his eyes. "Calm down, it's alright."
"Are you crying?" Dipper ran into the forest.
"Dipper, you're taking that machine to seriously, it's rigged to Dan. You're perfect the way you are."
"That's not the point, 3. It's just that no one takes me seriously, not even Mabel, and we've been together before we were born!"
"I will admit that was a scummy thing to do to you, but it doesn't matter! I say it is pretty manly to follow a half-finished book into finding mythical creatures no one will ever see in their life. By the way, the woman was just looking for the post man."
3 was ignored as Dipper began bench pressing a branch. "2...3...4..." He looked down his shirt and sighed. "No chest hair yet. Is it physical; is it mental, what's the secret?"
"I think it's puberty"
He held up a bag of jerky that says "You're inadequate!" "You said it brother. I need help."
The ground begins to shake very hard and a large roar is heard. Various animals begin flying or running in the opposite direction of the noise, suddenly Manly Dan comes running out looking freaked out. He saw Dipper and yelled, "For the love of all that's holy, run!" and he ran off.
"Dipper, I think we should run! If something scare Dan, then it must be bad!"
A tree begins to fall on the stump that has Dipper's hat, and Dipper runs and grabs it before the tree squashes it. Another roar is heard and the shadow of a creature is seen getting closer to Dipper, he screamed as he saw a Minotaur that looks jacked up.
It comes out of the forest and lets out another loud roar. It takes a deer and scratches itself, and throws it away afterward. The deer soon runs off. It looks over in Dipper's direction and knocks away the log he is hiding behind.
"Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!" 3 screamed forgetting to curse to itself.
"Please don't eat me! I haven't showered! In like a week! And, I'm all elbows! Elbows and gristle!"
"YOU!" It screamed at Dipper and 3 as they screamed in terror.
"Gonna finish that?"
"What?"
Dipper looks at the jerky and tossed it to the Minotaur who begins to messily eat. "I can't believe it, part animal, and part human. Are you some kind of Minotaur?"
"That's on steroids?" 3 asked and was shushed by Dipper.
"I'm a manotaur! Half man! Half...uh...half taur!"
"So Minotaur on testosterone?"
"Who keeps talking in a wimp voice?" It yelled looking for 3.
"Nobody…wait, wrong story."
Dipper quickly cut in before 3 agitated it till it killed them.
"So did I, like, summon you or-?"
"The smell of jerky summoned me! JERKY!" He punches a tree down and smashes a rock against his head."
"No wonder you're so muscle bound, you have no more brain cells."
"YEAH! Ha ha! Heh. I smell... emotional issues!
"I have problems, Manotaur. Man-related problems."
"I don't think this tool will help Dipper, it's not healthy to set unrealistic goals."
"Let's just try it out."
"If you think so."
"Well, my own uncle called me a wimp..."
"Grunkle."
"And I kind of flunked this manliness video game thing..."
"It was rigged."
"Hey, you know, you seem pretty manly. Maybe you could give me some pointers?"
"Very well. Climb atop my back hair, child!"
"Uh... okay."
"When had he last washed it? When he was born?"
"Where does tiny voice come from?"
"Nothing! Nothing." Dipper said covering for 3.
The Manotaur crashed through the forest with Dipper and 3 clutching his back hair.
"I think I'm gonna be sick! Watch out for the trees!"
"Dude, watch out!" Dipper yelled as he was hit with a birds nest.
"Those poor birds."
The Manotaur crashes through the side of a mountain and into a cave filled with Manotaurs.
"This place is amazing!" Dipper exclaimed looking around.
"Really, it smells like sweat and unwashed bodies." 3 said unimpressed.
"You can smell?" Dipper whispered to 3 who made an affirmative sound.
"The gnomes live in the trees, the merpeople live in the water, 'Cause they're losers! But we Manotaurs, crash in the MAN CAVE!"
"He's right about the gnomes, they're weak enough they can only gang up on a girl and get beaten up for their time." 3 agreed which caused Dipper to stifle a chuckled as the Manotaur rung a gong. "BEASTS! I have brought you, a hairless child!"
"...S'up."
"This is, uh, Pubetor, Testosteror, Pituitor, and I'm Chutzpar. And you are?"
"I take back the no brain cells thing; they at least know hormone glands."
"Where's that little voice coming from!?"
"My name's Dipper..." He quickly added as the Manotaurs booed his name. "The...uh, Destructor?"
"Yeah. Yeah that's better." 3 took physical effort not to say, I'm 3 and I'll break all your necks with no hands.
"Dipper the Destructor wants us to teach him the secrets to our manliness."
"I need your help!" He called pulling down his shirt.
"I must confer with the High Council." The Manotaurs turn around and huddle to mutter something to each other, and then it dissolved into a brawl.
"Sit back Dipper, this will take a while." 3 said as Chutzpar had Pubetor in a headlock.
Finally, the Manotaur's calmed down to hand down their decision.
"After a lot of punching, we have decided to deny your request to learn our manly secrets."
Dipper and 3 smirked at each other; they had calculated that this might happened.
"Denied? Ok, fine. That's ok with me. Obviously you guys think it would be too hard to train me. Maybe, you're not man enough to try". Dipper said in faux anger.
The Manotaurs growled.
"Not MAN enough!?" They stomped forward.
"He didn't mean it." Chutzpar said, trying to defend Dipper.
"I have three Y chromosomes, six Adam's apples, pecs on my abs and FISTS FOR NIPPLES!"
"TMI!"
"WHERE IS THAT VOICE COMING FROM!?"
"Seems to me you're too scared to teach me how to be a man. Hey, do you guys hear that? It sounds like…Bock-bock. Bock. Oh, that's weird-Bocock, bocAW! Is that?-BACAWK! That sounds like-BACAW! Yeah, a bunch of chickens!" Dipper sealed the deal.
The Manotaurs gasped, and huddled together again and said, "After a second round of deliberation, we have decided to help you become a man!"
"Reverse psychology, works every time." 3 whispered as Dipper smirked
"Great! Thanks guys, whatever it is, I will not let you down."
"Just don't bite off more than you can chew."
"Being a man is about conquering your fears." The Manotaur said as it lead Dipper and 3 to something called a Pain Hole.
"For your first man test, you must plunge your fist-INTO THE PAIN HOLE!" The Manotaurs wince in pain.
"The what-?"
One Manotaur walked up to it and put his fist in the hole, "Pain hole, schmainhole-WAHHH! AHHH! AHH! He began to wince and sweat and then ran off clutching his hand.
"Dipper, I don't think this a good idea," 3 whispered frantically to Dipper.
"But we can't back down now." Dipper said as he leaned down and but his hand down the hole. The next minute, his scream caused the Manotaurs too instinctually back up and birds fly away.
The next hours involve Dipper pulling a party wagon filled with Manotaurs, gluing Chutzpar's own chest hair to his, walk on crocodiles, looking at motivational posters, drinking from fire hydrants ("so that's who did it!") and jumping off and over cliffs.
Finally, it was time to relax in the hot springs, as Dipper was about to undress he realized something.
"Hey, 3."
"Yes Dipper?"
"You said if you stretched it, you can 'see' from the porch, right."
"Yess…" 3 answered, no seeing where he was getting at.
"Have you ever…'looked' when we bathed?"
"No!" 3 yelped, "I'm not a Peeping Tom!"
"Then I guess you don't mind if I do this." He covered 3 with his clothes and walked away as 3 grumbled to itself. I'm not a Peeping Tom, 3 muttered; I guess I just won't tell him I can still see him from here.
Dipper was saying to the Manotaur's, "Guys, I just wanna say that these last few hours have been...I-I feel like there's really been some growth."
"I have a growth!"
"Clark, you are hilarious today! It's just you guys took me under your wing, and I've just been so supportive." That's sweet, in a manly way.
"Oh, stop." Chutzpar said embarrassed.
"No, you know what? You really have been. I think I feel like I'm finally becoming a man here."
"Not yet, Destructor. One final task remains. The deadliest trial of all." That doesn't sound good.
"I've survived forty-nine other trials. Whatever it is…bring it on!" Just barely.
The Manotaurs cheered.
Later that night, the Manotaur's prepped Dipper up to meet the leader of the Manotaurs.
"Behold our leader, Leaderaur!"
An old, hunched back Manotaur came out humming to himself.
"I expected another muscle bound meathead." 3 said from its place in Dipper's pouch.
"Yeah," He said quietly, out loud he asked, "Is he like the oldest, or wisest, or...?"
"Greetings, young-" He was cut off screaming when a giant mouth comes from above and eats the old Manotaur. The # %&!
"Naw, he's just the offering. That is Leaderaur." He told a shocked Dipper as he pointed upwards to a gigantic, black Minotaur as it swallowed the old man that 3 and Dipper just noticed.
"You - You wish to be a man?" He rumbled. Dipper banged on his chest as did the other Manotaur's.
"Then you must heroic act, go to highest mountain," He reached into his chest and pulls out a spear, "and bring back head of...the Multi-Bear!" He rumbled as the other Manotaur's gasped.
"The Multi-Bear? Is that some sort of bear..?"
"I've never heard of it."
"He's our sworn enemy! Conquer him and your man formation will me complete."
"Conquer? I don't know, man."
Chutzpar looks through Dipper's backpack and pulls out the BABBA case and asked, "Destructor is this yours?"
He snatched it, "Oh no! Ha ha, I don't know who's that is, just borrowing it, friends, not mine."
"Mmm, I don't know about this..." One Manotaur said.
Dipper walked over to the spear and held it over his head. "I shall conquer the Multi-Bear!"
The Manotaurs cheered as Leaderaur spouts fire from his nose. A fire spark falls on Dipper.
He puts out the fire, "I'm okay!"
Dipper was running through the woods and 3 finally spoke up.
"Are you sure about this? I mean you're gonna fight the meataur's sworn enemy, something even that cannibalistic Minotaur couldn't beat."
"I have no other choice 3; it's the only way for people other than you to take me seriously."
"If you're sure, but please, just be careful, no amount of recognition is worth getting killed over."
Dipper smiled then concentrated on climbing up the mountain. Dipper soon arrives to Multi-bear's cave.
"I'm coming for you, multi-bear." He whispered as he entered the cave. Inside the dark cave he stops to pick up a bone and asked, "What is a Multi-bear?"
"I don't know, I don't think Father knew either as there's no entry about it." Suddenly a lump behind them stirred and a bear made out of bear's roared, shaking the cave.
"Oh, that's a Multi-bear."
The main bear head spoke, "Bear heads, silence!" he spoke clearly as he swatted a still roaring one, " Child, why have you come here?"
"Multi-bear! I seek your head! Or, one of them, anyway? There's like-what? Six heads?"
"I counted 7." 3 said.
"Who said that? Never mind, child, this is foolish! Leave now! Or die!"
Dipper pointed his spear against multi-bear and it said, "So be it!"
The heads starts to roar. The multi-bear run to Dipper but Dipper avoids it by wall-running. Then multi-bear attacks Dipper by smacking a pile of bones towards Dipper, but he hides behind a rock, dodging it. Then Dipper hops on one of multi-bear's head and runs to the top, choking the main head. Multi-bear then fell to the ground.
"That was surprisingly easy."
"A real man shows no mercy!" He said raising his spear.
The Multi-bear just sighed, "Very well, warrior. But will you grant a magical beast one last request?"
"Uh…Okay."
"I wish to die listening to my favorite song." He said pointing to a tape player.
"How did he get that? Maybe some hapless camper left it near here?"
"The tape is already in there. You can just hit any...Yeah, yeah, that's it."
He hit play and BABBA's "Disco Girl" begins playing
"You listen to Icelandic pop group BABBA? I-I love BABBA!"
"I thought I was the only one. All the Manotaurs made fun of me because I know all the words to the song "Disco Girl.""
"That's why they want to kill you?"
"Oh, you mean Disco girl~"
"Coming through~"
"That girl is you! O-oh o-oh~"
Dipper laughed pleased, "This is crazy! Finally someone who-who understands- uh...Oh yeah. I guess I'm supposed to kill you? Or I'll never be a man?"
"I accept my fate."
"No! Really?"
"It's for the best."
Dipper raises his spear, hesitated, and then threw his spear it to the side, "I can't, I can't kill another BABBA fan."
Multi-bear smiled and said, "Thank you, for sparing my life." He then frowned, "Are you sure? You'll be giving up you man's formation for me."
"I realized it's not worth taking a life."
"You'd only be a man, if you stand up for what you believe in." 3 assured Dipper.
"Seriously, where is that voice coming from?" Multi-bear asked, looking around. Dipper glanced towards 3 who said, "Go ahead."
"Multi-bear, I'd like to meet 3. 3 meet Multi-bear."
"How do you do?"
Multi-bear snorted in surprise and smiled, "How do you do, little journal."
Dipper soon returns to the mancave and threw the spear at the Manotaur's feet.
"I'm not gonna do it." Dipper announced.
"You were told! The price of a man is the Multi-bear's head!" Leaderaur, shouted down at Dipper.
"Listen, Leaderaur, alright? You too, Testosteror, Pubetor, and… I don't know whatever your name is. B-Beardy."
"It's Beardy."
"You keep telling me that being a man means doing all these tasks, and being argh all the time, but I'm starting to think that stuff's malarkey."
"You said it."
"You heard me, malarkey. So maybe I don't have muscles or hair in certain places, and…sure, when a girly pop song comes on the radio, sometimes, I leave it on! 'Cause dang it, top 40 hits are in the top 40 for a reason! They're catchy!
"Destructor…What are you saying?"
"I'm saying the Multi-bear is a really nice guy. And you're bunch of jerks if you want me to cut off his head!"
Leaderaur stands up and destroys the spear.
"Kill the Multi-bear or never be a man!" Leaderaur shouted.
"Then I guess I'll never be a man."
"Boooo! Weak!" The Manotaurs shouted as the Manotaurs agreed.
"Hey guys! Who wants to go build something and knock it down?" Chutzpar shouted as all the Manotaurs cheered and left chanting, "Man."
Dipper kicks a rock away and heads home.
"I'm proud of you Dipper."
"Yeah, but all that work for nothing, I guess I am a wimp and a middle aged woman."
"Who cares? Sometimes it's the smallest animal's is the most dangerous. Besides, what's wrong with being a middle aged woman? If you mess with their kids, they'll rip you a new one." 3 joked, getting a laugh out of Dipper. Dipper was walking past the diner when he heard banging on the glass. He turned around and saw Mabel banging on the glass.
"They're still here?"
"DIPPER! It's me, Mabel! I'm looking at you through this glass! Right here! This is my voice! I'm talking to you from inside!"
Dipper gave her calm down gesture then nodded and went inside.
"Did you see me through the-?" Mabel began but was cut off by Dipper saying a mopey "yes."
"What's wrong?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Good." Stan said as he ate some pie.
Dipper ignored him and continued, "It's just these half man half bull humanoids were hanging out with me..."
"Here we go.'
"But then they wanted me to do this really tough, horrible thing but it just wasn't right. So I said no."
"You were your own man and you stood up for yourself."
"Huh?"
"Well, you did what was right even when no one agreed with ya. Sounds pretty manly to me but, what do I know?"
"Wait a minute, do my eyes deceive me? You have a chest hair!" Mabel said pointing at Dipper's chest.
Dipper checks his chest and gasp, "You're right! I do! Ha ha, this is amazing! I really do! Take that, man tester! Take that, Pubetor!"
"Pubetor?"
"This guy has chest hair!"
Mabel suddenly pulls it out and puts it in a journal, "Scrap-book orotundity!" That…was cruel Mabel.
"Don't worry, kid, if you're anything like me, there's more where that came from." Stan said as he rips open his shirt.
"Oh, gross!" Dipper and 3 cried in disgust as everyone laughed.
"Seriously, that's disgusting."
They then walked back to the Mystery Shack and Dipper said to 3, "Thank you for believing in me when no one else would."
"No problem Dipper, I am a little mad at Mabel for pulling out that chest hair after all the shit you had to go through to get it."
"Ehh…it'll grow back. Anyway, want to go for a monster hunt after a nap?"
"You know it!"
As they pasted by Stan, the answering machine was meowing as Stan looked at it in horror.
That's weird, 3 thought.
A/N: Done! Now only 2 people know about 3. I am making a poll to decide to make 3 a boy, a girl, or remain gender neutral. Please vote and review.