Dear Diary. Day fifteen of Brooke-watch.
You will not believe what I did today at school! After gym class, and why oh why does she insist on wearing spandex?! Not that it doesn't look good on her, hell, no one makes it look better! But that is the problem, I cannot keep my eyes off her. I just want to put my hands on her sexy ass ... Right, not helping! And people will begin to notice, even Carmen made some comment or other about how I seemed too preoccupied during class. It ended up with me resorting to less than secure options. I went to my office in the basement and locked the door after making sure that I was all alone. And I ... You know. Sam blushed while thinking about it. I fucked myself while fantasizing about Brooke. In school! Not that she was in school in the fantasy, mind you, but I was! Not in the fantasy.., oh wow, how I ever thought I would be a writer, I cannot even form words now.
Anyway. The point of the matter is that my feelings seem to escalate every day where Brooke is concerned. And I thought it was just a phase, remember? Well, that phase has gone and blown itself up to proportions not measurable by today's measly standards, let me tell you. I know, I know, I have to get her, get it out of my systems, but however hard I try she is always there pulling me back in again. I close one door and she comes out another one. What is a poor girl to do, Diary? And especially now that Brooke seem so nervous around me, I don't understand, what did I do? We were starting to get really close and today she was acting all crazy whenever I was nearby. Do you think she knows? Nonsense, how could she? I have only told you and I keep you locked up hidden way deep in the computers' system. So what can it be that is troubling our sweet girl? I tried asking but she went completely mental on me. When I first came in to her room to talk, she seemed almost sad. I just wanted to hug her and tell her it would be all right. Then, when she looked up at me, it was as if she wanted to know me, to really know what I was thinking about just then. As if she... I don't know, maybe I am imagining things now, projecting my thoughts into her head.
What am I gonna do?! She makes me crazy angry like no one else, but she also walks through all my defense systems as if they weren't even there, like no one else can.
Meanwhile, in the bedroom next to hers.
Right! Now we have a plan. A bona fide, one hundred percent bulletproof plan! Brooke smiled to herself as she looked at the wall separating her room from Sam's. You are going down, sweet Sammy! And blushed. Dammit, not again! I have to stop thinking about her like that, it completely messes up my head.
All of a sudden there was a quiet knock on the door. Brooke hurriedly hid her journal under her pillow and walked over and opened the door. And there stood Jane.
"Hi, mom, what up?"
"Brooke, can I come in? I have to talk to you about Sam".
Oh no, now what? Panic at the disco! Quick, think up an excuse, any one will do! Aaahh... Brain black out, dammit.
"... Sure, come in", ok, calm down, this has nothing to do with you, and why are you panicking like this? You have no reason to, I assure you.
Sitting down on the same chair her daughter had recently sat in, Jane motioned for Brooke to come and sit down. So she closed the door and sat on the bed, mentally preparing herself for whatever was to come next.
"Brooke, I wanted to tell you guys how proud I am, how proud your father and I am with you and Sam. The way you act around each other now is how we always pictured it would be when you girls finally decided to bury the hatchet. I am so glad that you get along now, that you're friends,"
Jane smiled proudly at her second daughter, for that was how she thought of Brooke.
"And on that note, are you ok? You ran out of the kitchen pretty fast there. Sam told me that she talked to you and it was just school stuff as she called it. Anything you want to talk about? I have two good ears you know. Though how long that will last with Mac crying so much remains to be seen," she joked. Brooke smiled at Jane and could easily recognize where Sam had gotten her dry jokes. In a good was of course.
"Yeah, Mom, it's all good. School stuff you know, no biggie. Don't worry about it." satisfied with the answer and knowing that Brooke would come talk to her or Mike if something was up made Jane relax.
I thank my darling daughter every day for finding so many articles on eating disorders and just conveniently leaving them lying around. Brooke had gotten so much better when it came to talking about her problems and feelings about her eating disorder. I wonder if Brooke realizes that all those stories Sam wrote was her way of helping Brooke? I will have to make her see it some day soon.
"That`s great, Brooke, I'm so glad! And since you get along so well, I wondered if you could help me with something in regards to our dear Sam?"
Gah, now what? It better not have to do with setting her up with one of your coworkers sons again, I seriously cannot see that happening any time soon after the disaster the last one was, she thought to herself. Not to mention that Sam might just lean towards the Sapphic side. Nodding at Jane to go one with the explanation, Brooke sat still.
"I need her to relax around Mac and I think right now you are the only one that might get through to her since she won't listen to me. And we can both imagine what would happen if Mike tried, right?"
They both smiled at the thought. While Sam respected Mike, she steadfastly refused to follow any advice or idea he gave her, and not always on a conscious level either. Jane knew it had to do with Sam refusing to let Mike come close to being a father figure to her, not even a semblance of one.
"You're right about that one, she would just patiently explain to him that he could take his thoughts and ... Yeah. But what do you mean, relax? She seems pretty calm around Mac, at least the few times I've seen them together. But now that you mention it..."
Brooke thought back to said few times and remembered thinking to herself that Sam seemed unnaturally calm and careful, almost as if she were afraid to touch her little sister for fear that she would break her.
"And it's weird how she's only held Mac a few times. And I don't think I've ever seen Sam feed Mac either. Hm."
Jane smiled. "So you'll help? We cannot let Sam be afraid of her little sister, right?"
The cheerleader agreed and thought this could be one way of finding out a little more about Sam and her thoughts and feelings. He he, I will so use this to my advantage, just you wait and see Sammy.
"Sure mom, no problem. Whatever I can do to help our dear Sam, I will."
Even if I have to push her out of the damn closet and make her see that it's ok to be gay. He he, I made a funny.
Hm, I wonder though. Has Sammy already come out? To her mom? And how to figure that out without Jane suspecting... A hypothetical situation perhaps? And how do I start that conversation?
"Oh Brooke, you are the best! I am so thankful that I met your father and got to know both him and you, and have another child. Life really is great." Sensing that she was going a bit over boards with the whole gratitude talk, Jane decided to tone it down a bit before scaring the cheerleader.
"Ok, mom, that's great. I'm also grateful that you guys met, even if I was a bit less than supportive in the beginning. Not as much as Sam though," Brooke joked. "No, I know, I know, we were both pretty terrible, but I like to think that we have matured a little since then."
"You sure have, the both of you. I remember your father and I calling you the terrible twos in the beginning. And I am sure that that will come back to bite us in the behind now that Mac is born."
They laughed while Jane knocked on the bedside table.
"Well, now that that conversation is done, is there anything you wanted to talk about?"
Jane, being a mother for seventeen years now sensed that Brooke had something to talk about and tried to ease her second daughter in to it.
Think, Brain, think, how to go about asking this! Brooke looked left and right to try and find something to help her with this question but nothing came to mind. Fortunately Jane, being the good mother that she is, helped Brooke out.
"Whatever you want to talk about, honey, it is all right! We love you no matter what, you know that! I hope you know that, Brooke," Jane said and Brooke nodded.
"I know, mom, I just don't know how to start this. Umm. Well, I have this friend you see. And I really do, this is not about me or anything like that. But okay.
I.. This friend I mean, she is struggling with something and she doesn't know who to talk to about this. Her family is really conservative and... Well, how would you react if, say Sam came to you and said that she was.. You know, gay. Or bi. How, as a mother, would you react?"
Way to go, Brainiac, she will probably think that you're the gay one! But I'm not. Am I? And is this the proper way of finding out if Sam is gay? Maybe, we will see. And why am I so calm about this? I should be freaking out. The calm before the storm maybe...while Brooke was having this internal dialogue Jane was in a mild state of shock.
I..is she... Did. What?! Say that.. What? I .. Don't know what to say. Is Brooke gay? I mean, if anyone.. I thought it would be Sam. Ok, be calm, Jane. And say something. Now. Something clever and nonjudgmental.
"Eeh. I, as a mother, would love my child no matter what, and I hope your friend has parents with the same viewpoint. That said, I would tell her, them to be careful with who you tell because there´ s quite a few people out there who are afraid of anything different and they won't take it too well. But all in all I would be proud of my children for being so open and honest."
Smiling in a completely nonjudgmental way at Brooke and inviting her to say more on the matter, Jane waited patiently while Brooke looked as if she was contemplating her words. Nodding her head up and down a few times, moving her lips but no sound came out.
"That's great, mom, and again, I hope you don't think it was me, I just wanted to hear your perspective on the matter, and I will be sure to tell my friend what you said," dammit, how to get her on the subject of Sam...
Fortunately, Jane stepped in here and saved the day. And maybe a bit of heartache later on.
"I actually had a similar conversation with Sam a few days ago, maybe you both have the same friend," Jane smiled again, "although she used Mackenzie as an example. Anyway, seems as if Sam is quite the supporter, though I am not surprised, our dearest Sammy has always gone her own way and always supported the ones everyone else looked down at. She is such a champion," Jane said with great pride in her voice, totally unaware of the internal howling and celebrating going on just a few feet away.
Sammy is gaaa-aaaay, I knew it! Hehehe, life is good, woohoo.
Not once thinking that maybe Sam actually had a friend and that it might be a serious question, nope, Brooke was living in her pink bubble of happiness and she was determined to stay there!