hey guys! This is one of my favorite chapters, I actually first drafted this like 2 years ago. I'm so happy that its actually a chapter now. Enjoy, and as always, thanks for reading and reviewing!
B took K up to her room, she didn't need to see any more of what was happening. Not the police, not the ambulances, and not the people's faces as they hoisted A into a body bag. He pried her from his body and she sat on the bed, her trembling hands on her face. He sat next to her, leaving a foot of space between him. He felt sick.
"B..." K sobbed, letting her hands fall from her face. "Please tell me you didn't know this was going to happen."
He couldn't look at her. Of course he knew it was going to happen. He had known for years it was going to happen, and there was nothing he could do to stop it from happening.
"You knew, didn't you!?"
B was silent.
"That's why you said all that stuff to him about him being worthless. You knew all of this was going to happen. You knew he was going to die! How dare you? And you didn't tell me... because you hated him! You were jealous of A, was that it? So you just let him die... you let me watch him die like that... you could've told someone, we could've saved him! You're selfish!"
Selfish. That word left her mouth and burned a hole in B's chest, his hand going up to grip his shirt. He was going to vomit. B was selfish. K said it, so it was true. He turned to look at her and watched the tears roll down her face, that accusing look in her eye making him hurt. Selfish. He had let her down. The one pure thing he wanted to keep pure and beautiful in this world, and he let her experience yet another death. He really wanted to hurt himself now.
…
Fate. It's something you can't control, it controls you.
A's death was ruled a suicide. Multiple witnesses, including the driver that hit him, claimed that A had walked into oncoming traffic, allowing himself to be hit. K didn't want to believe it at first, and came up with multiple ways that he could've gotten hit.
"No, he was just out for a walk. It was getting dark and he didn't realize he was in the road until it was too late." She insisted, tears in her eyes. "He would never kill himself. He wouldn't do that... why would he do that?"
As they all prepared for his funeral, B and K started to pack all of A's things away into boxes. B was cleaning off A's desk, his desk that he always kept so neat. His glasses that he rarely ever wore were still sitting there, the glass lenses pristine. The desk itself was covered in wrinkled papers and pens without their caps. Most of the pages were just old notes and blank pages with scribbles on them, so B started tossing them in the trash. As he was going through them he noticed a piece of looseleaf folded up into a small neat square, an X drawn on it with blue ink. B narrowed his eyes and picked it up, unfolding the lined paper. On it were scribbled a few short sentences in A's neat handwriting, which he would've considered sloppy.
Roger & Watari- thank you for giving me a home
B- I'm sorry for everything
K- I love you
It's too much to bear. I hope you can forgive me.
-A
B stared at the page, his hand beginning to shake. I'm sorry.
"I...I think I just found A's suicide note." B murmured, sounding uneasy.
K nearly broke her neck turning around to look at B, giving him a scrutinizing look. "He didn't commit suicide."
B narrowed his eyes. A was dead and his veneer of 'perfect human being' was still being upheld. "K cut it out already! He killed himself!" B said angrily. "Stop acting like A was too strong or too perfect for that, because he wasn't. Everyone thinks about doing it at least once in their lives!"
"You shouldn't pool everyone into the same category as you." K hissed.
He cringed; that stung a bit. She sounded like A. B took a deep breath, and pretended he didn't hear what she had just said. "Every action we take is a part of what makes us who we are. Don't try to erase who he was. Do him some justice and accept the facts."
K said nothing and turned back around to face the stack of A's folded clothes. As she was putting them into a box B walked up to her side, holding the page out to her.
"...Anyways, I think you should have this."
She took the paper from him, read it quickly and let out a cry. "A..."
...
The funeral was held a few days later in the back garden, surrounded by the newly bloomed flowers that spring had brought. Everyone, dressed in black from head to toe, stared somberly at the open casket. Someone was talking, B wasn't listening. He was lost in his thoughts while staring at the dead body, his arms crossed in front of him. His red eyes were glassed over. It was A's fate to die, more specifically to kill himself. It was already predetermined that this would happen. B couldn't even kill himself. Even in death, A had outdone B. It was inevitable anyways, and now B could never beat him. He clenched his jaw, angry with the dead man who lay in the casket.
"I hope we can be friends now."
"I'm sorry"
A's voice was echoing in B's mind and he was beginning to get nauseous. He stared up at the sky for a moment and watched the few white clouds float on by. It was a beautiful day. The sky was mostly clear minus those few white puffs he saw, and the warm sun felt nice on his skin. He then glanced at K. She was crying, and wasn't even trying to hide it. The tears spilled from her eyes like waterfalls as she sobbed uncontrollably. Her cries began to have an effect on everyone else, and they all began to cry as well. Vienna wiped her eyes, and tried to comfort K, but she lashed out at her.
"Don't touch me!" She protested, pulling away from the older girl.
K darted in the direction of the casket, rushing right past Roger, who was speaking. Her stomach turned as she approached it, and she stared down at A. He was pale, his face covered in scratches partially concealed by makeup, and dressed in a black suit. K stared at his face, thinking about how blood once flowed through his veins, how bright and blue his eyes once were. She touched his blonde hair, lightly running her fingers through it the way she would when they kissed. K knelt down beside him, took his hand, shivered. She bit her lip hard as more tears ran down her face; he was so cold. She caressed his hand, longing for him to touch her one last time.
"A..." She cried helplessly. "A, I'm so sorry."
...
That night she lost it, in her room destroying everything in sight while chugging a bottle of wine she had stolen from the kitchen. She was screaming and crying, throwing things off of her desk, flipping furniture, and pulling the drawers out of her dresser. All of that sorrow had been building up inside of her for so long, and she had finally released it. She was standing on top of her desk when Vienna came running in the room.
"K! Put that down!" Vienna yelled at her, referring to the bottle of wine in her hand. "You've had enough put it down now!"
K stopped, looked at Vienna, then took another few sips from the dark green tinted bottle. "Why should I? Why should I do anything?"
She hopped off of the desk and landed horribly, falling to the ground beside a dresser drawer full of clothes she had thrown. The wine spilled onto the floor and on K's sleeve, staining it a deep red. She groaned loudly, sobs escaping her mouth.
"K..." Vienna said, running to her aid.
She went to help her up but K slapped her away. "No! You think you know what I'm going through right now? You have no idea." She slurred, laughing. "I thought everything was falling apart before, pfft, man was I jumping the fence or what?"
She laughed again, tilting her head back and bringing the neck of the bottle to her mouth.
"We're all grieving together, K. You're not alone in this." Vienna said, and then tried to take the bottle from her, earning a scream from the girl.
"I said you have no idea!" She yelled, crying again. "I loved him, Vienna. You don't get to love many people in your life. You just don't... and now he's gone."
...
It was late. B couldn't sleep, like usual. He was wondering around the house, having a midnight stroll. He was walking down the dark stairwell, and heard the sound of glass rolling down the steps, and someone's body along with it. B slowly continued to walk down and eventually saw K, reaching for a bottle of alcohol, half passed out on the steps. He walked over to her, picked her up, and carried her up to her room. He placed her on her bed, staring at her limp body sadly. He didn't like watching her suffer, it hurt him. He went to tuck some of her hair behind her ear, but stopped himself, then turned to walk out of the room. He needed a cigarette.
B went outside and walked around the yard for a few minutes, sucking away at one of his last cigarettes while admiring the night sky. The stars were bright that night; it was a new moon. He had been smoking more than often in the past week, if that was even possible. He wasn't eating, sleeping, or doing much of anything as normally as he used to. He just kept thinking about A. Everything was A.
….
B was walking down the hallway in the dark to his room, the smell of fresh cigarette smoke on his clothes and the floor boards creaking under his bare feet. He had an unopened jar of jam in his hands, saving his midnight snack until he arrived in his bedroom. As he was approaching his door he could see K in the corner of his eye, awake, sitting in the middle of her bed. He turned and squinted at her in the darkness. She was just sitting there, staring off towards the wall like a zombie.
"K...?" He whispered.
When she didn't answer he walked quietly into her room. Once he got closer he could see her hair was wet, and she was wearing nothing except her undergarments, a towel draped over her shoulders. He could hear her sniffling, she was crying. He put the jam on the nightstand then cautiously got onto the bed and sat beside her. Was she still angry with him? Who knows.
"Did you just take a shower?" He asked her, examining her wet skin. She was quiet. "K, what's wrong?"
He bit his tongue. That was a stupid question, because he knew what was wrong. A was gone. Dead, he was never coming back. It hurt K deep, his death was so sudden. Her head was hanging down now, her hair covering her face. She started to cry more, small dots forming on the blanket as her tears fell on it.
"It's my fault..." She cried quietly, gripping the covers on the bed. "It's my fault and now he's buried down there in that box..."
"Don't you ever say that." B carefully tucked her wet hair behind her ear so he could see her face. The action satisfied him. "It's not your fault, you know whose fault it is."
B still couldn't say it out loud but everyone knew. L drove A to suicide. All of the years A worked and strived to be perfect, L shot him down and told A he wasn't good enough, which caused A to feel worthless. L would have no use for him, and that was A's whole purpose in life. Similar to B, all he ever wanted to do was succeed L. B may have had a small influence in it, all the creepy things he had said to him, but not as heavy as L's.
B touched her shoulder. "Don't cry, K." He said trying to comfort her. "Look at me."
K looked at him briefly, tears still stinging in her eyes.
He caressed her face, gently wiping the tears off her skin. "Stop blaming yourself."
She stared at him, then suddenly grabbed his face and began kissing him. K kissed him needily, pushing her whole body into him. B tried not to get lost in the kiss as he fell back onto the bed, K on top of him. He pushed her away at that moment, he didn't want it to go any farther.
"...I'm so sorry." She said as he sat back up.
"No its... alright..." He said quietly.
B knew it meant nothing. K was just sad and confused, she just wanted to fill in the void that was A; she wanted someone to love her. That was the first time anyone had kissed him. He wished it was a little more meaningful.
"Let's get some clothes on you."
…
"I haven't slept in days, B." K said.
They were on her bed, laying down staring at the cracked ceiling.
"Every time I close my eyes, I see his dead face. Its like its burned into my mind, I can't... escape it." "Everything hurts. I feel like I'm drowning... you know? I don't want to feel anything anymore... even if it's just for a second..."
B furrowed his brow, his hands coming up to rub his face. He knew what could help her, but he was unsure if he should give her it.
"What?" She asked, turning to him. "What's wrong?"
B got up, walked out the room, and returned with a glass of water and a closed fist. He sat on the bed and looked her dead in the eyes. He opened his hand, revealing two small white pills.
"You can't get angry with me."
"B are those the pills you were freaking out about?" She slurred, a look of dread coming over her face. "B where did you get those?"
"Be quiet." He hushed her.
"B you shouldn't-"
"Open your mouth."
"Beyond!"
"Sh! Trust me. It will make everything better. You'll feel good, relaxed... nothing will matter. You want to feel empty, right?" He knew it would knock her out, especially since she had probably been drinking.
He popped one in his mouth and took a few sips of water.
"See?" He said. "It's alright. Open your mouth."
He put the pill in her mouth and handed her the water, watching as she drank down the whole glass.
…
B woke up feeling heavy, face to face with K. He suddenly got hot, realizing how close their bodies were. She was clinging to him, her hands gripped his shirt and her leg was twisted between his, and he was clinging to her. B took his arms from around K and tried to sit up, prying her body from his. He then sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the floor. He heard K inhale and then yawn, the feeling of someone looking at him soon taking over him. He turned to look at her for a brief second, and she was just staring at him. She lay there on the bed for a while, lazy eyes locked on him.
"...You spoke to me last night." She said tiredly.
He was quiet for a moment, then looked over his shoulder. "You remembered? You were very drunk."
"You haven't spoken to me since A's..."
"Yeah."
They were quiet.
"I... was wrong." K finally said. "For being angry with you, I was wrong. I know there was nothing you could do."
B shook his head slowly. "You had every right to be." He said, not wanting to talk about the situation. He kept remembering the look of dread on her face as she ran into his arms.
"No, I didn't. I really can't blame you for something you can't control... like I can't imagine how you felt just knowing he was dying and you couldn't do anything about it, all that weight on your shoulders... you could only watch and..." She bit the inside of her mouth, emotions building up in her chest.
"I didn't hate him." B said quietly. "I just didn't know how to tell you. I couldn't tell you, I figured knowing he was going to die would be more painful than experiencing his death, I don't know. Maybe I am selfish for withholding that information from you but..." He stared down at his hands. "It just hurt knowing that at any moment, you were going to have your heart broken. I'm sorry... I didn't know how to handle it, I didn't know what to do."
"B..." She said, sitting up.
She stared at him. His back was to her, his head hanging low and his shoulders slouched. He let out a sigh. K crawled over beside him and sat on her knees, wrapping her arms around him. He turned to look up at her, a jaded look in his red eyes. She kissed him lightly on the forehead.
"Thank you." She said.
...