Painful Healing

As the weeks passed, everyone got use to their classes. Lupin was the most popular teacher at school, especially to Harry. He had taken to slipping away and having lunch with the professor once during the week and once on the weekend. They talked about little things, but that didn't matter. Harry liked his company because the man actually listened to him. Much in the way Snape did, but with more warmth.

At first, Harry had been startled by how physically affectionate the man was. Lupin often patted him on the back, squeezed his shoulder, and a few times wrapped him in a quick hug. Harry wasn't use to being touched affectionately. The Dursleys just ignored him and he was always so poorly dressed at muggle school everyone avoided him. Even now Hermione and Ron only gave him an occasional hug.

But he didn't feel threatened by Lupin's touches. Once he got use to them, he was surprised to find himself comforted by it. It had gotten to the point where he was the one to initiate hugs, and his favorite place was sitting next to Lupin so that while they talked Harry was pressed right up against his warm, sheltering side. As much as he liked Snape and needed his help to get better, he would never find this kind of solace in him.

xXxXxXx

Harry woke sweating. He couldn't breathe; he was panicking so badly he couldn't remember anything Snape had taught him. He stumbled from the bed and literally fell down the steps that led to the boy's dorm. He lay in a trembling heap at the foot of the stairs. His mouth was open in silent sobs and tears and sweat drenched his face, dripping from his chin. Crawling, he made for the portrait hole. Once it was open, he used it to stand and stumble blindly away from Gryffindor Tower.

He gasped, choking, his vision going dim. He couldn't go any farther. He needed Snape! Where was he? Sobbing so hard he was gagging, he fell into an empty room. He ripped the bracelet from his wrist so hard he drew blood. Harry didn't notice, he was too lost in hurt. He crawled into a corner and drew his legs up to his chest miserably.

Severus strode into the room not five minutes later and quickly cast silencing charms. Harry was wailing his grief, almost screaming as the tears rose up and washed over him. Severus rushed to the child's side and knelt, placing a tentative hand on Harry's shaking back. He could hear Boy in the echoes of Harry's cries, but knew Harry was still aware and in control. He was beyond shocked when Harry launched himself at his chest and sobbed into his shoulder. Severus hesitated, but eventually brought his arms up to hold the distraught child.

It took a long time for him too calm, but Harry slowly quieted and began to breathe a little easier. Severus released his hold and pat him on the back as he gently slid the boy from his lap. He conjured several tissues and handed them over. Harry took them in a limp hand and wiped at his face tiredly.

"What happened?" Severus asked gently, softly, so as not to upset the boy further.

"I… I remember… Oh, Professor… I remember it all. Kit… We merged because I finally really understood her and…" He began to cry again.

"Harry." Severus said thickly and wrapped an arm around the boy's shoulders. "It's over. It will be alright now."

Harry nodded, "I just… I remember and it was so horrible… It happened again after that first time… It happed over and over… Five times! … And I just laid there and accepted it. I was so lost in it…"

Severus said nothing. Just sitting there, supporting the boy as best he could. Now wasn't the time for his words. Harry trembled, hunched up into himself. They sat there for an hour. Severus never moved or shifted, even though he was growing uncomfortable on the stone floor. And he was glad because when Harry turned to him, trust and hurt burning in his eyes, he had a sudden realization that letting this child down would have been unbearable.

"Sir, I remember who did this." He whispered hoarsely. "It was Professor Lockhart. Do… do you think… do you think it was just me… or do you think he… hurt… other people?"

"Harry." Severus grabbed the boy fiercely and pulled him to his chest. He was so angry he saw red. He had assumed it was the Dursley's who had sexually abused him, but to find out it was a teacher! Someone who had once been his colleague! Harry squeaked when his grip got too harsh and he hurriedly let go. "I don't know, Harry. I will find out."

"You won't tell anyone!" Harry asked fearfully, grabbing the man's sleeve.

"I will not." Severus reassured him. "I do know how to be subtle. I know it's hard to believe, but I give you my word no one will suspect your involvement. But in time you may have to come forward, you have to be prepared for that. You know this wasn't your fault."

"I really do know that." Harry nodded, whipping his nose on his sleeve. "You've made sure of it. But I just… don't want to have to tell people. Not yet. It's just too much right now. Okay?"

"Of course, Harry." Severus promised, and searched his robes for some potions. "You need to sleep. Here take these once you get in bed. The light blue one first, then the purple."

Harry recognized them as a Calming Draught and Dreamless Sleep. "Thank you, sir." He whispered and slowly stood. "Thank you for coming. You didn't have to and…"

"Harry. What happened was horrible, but you are strong. You deserve help. You can't always do things on your own. I gave you my word to be here and I will be."

"Thank you." Harry said again.

Severus walked the exhausted boy back to the Gryffindor Tower. When they got to the portrait, he stopped Harry. "We need to talk more about this."

Harry nodded acceptance, "Detention tomorrow night then?"

"I believe that's best." Severus nodded gravely. "I'll schedule you a detention every other night until you feel more secure."

"Okay. Goodnight, Professor."

"Rest well, Harry." Severus whispered before turning to head back to the dungeons. As he went, his robes stiffened with the magic crackling around him. His eyes grew piercing and rage made him pale and unyielding. Lockhart. Oh, yes, the man would pay. And he'd keep paying, over and over again until Severus tired of games, and that was going to be a very long time in coming.

xXxXxXx

"Harry, are you sure you're alright?" Hermione asked worriedly. Harry had been unusually quiet all day and hadn't eaten very much at lunch, and wasn't eating much dinner. He had missed breakfast completely, oversleeping. "Maybe you should see Madam Pomfrey."

"Yeah, mate. You look a bit peaky." Ron pulled a sympathetic face.

Harry just shook his head at them and stood. They watched him worriedly as he made his way from the Great Hall. He wasn't really paying attention. By now, he didn't have to think very hard to find the potions classroom. He didn't even bother to knock on the door. Snape was in his usual place and Harry fell heavily into his seat.

"How are you feeling?" Severus began.

Harry sighed and ran his hand through his hair, "Tired. Hurt. Betrayed."

"Betrayed?" Severus asked, narrowing his eyes. He had thought they had gotten past the feeling of self-betrayal.

"I don't understand why the Headmaster keeps hiring people that hurt students." Harry admitted. "I mean, I understand how he couldn't know about Lockhart. I'm sure there wasn't a record of it anywhere. But how could he not notice the concentrated evil of Voldemort in Quirrell. I feel used and not only by Lockhart. I'm not even the one that had to fight all those battles, but it seems unfair.

"I'm only thirteen. I want to be able to feel safe at my school. I want to be able to go shopping with my friends on Hogsmeade weekends. I just want to be normal. I feel like there's something about me that makes others want to hurt me. The Dursley's hated me and barely acknowledged my existence. And then there's a madman I don't remember destroying trying to kill me, and Death Eaters and Black. It's not fair."

Severus stood and knelt by Harry, placing his hands on the thin shoulders, "You have every right to want to feel safe while you're here. I have no excuse for the Headmaster or myself for allowing such cruel, sick people within reach of you. But I will do my best to keep that from ever happening again. You aren't alone, Harry. You don't have to face these battles by yourself. The Dark Lord has targeted you, but I will make sure that you have a few years to prepare before having to face him again."

Harry stared into his teachers depthless eyes and knew the man was telling the truth. Snape was promising to protect him, promising to keep an eye on him from now on and to ensure he was alright. Harry saw he really wasn't alone anymore and began to smile for the first time all day. He wanted to hug the man, but knew his teacher was uncomfortable with such things, so he merely brightened his smile and hoped his feelings got across.

"Thank you for believing me." Severus said softly. After a second, he stood to distance himself from the emotionally charged moment and leaned back against his desk. "What happened to cause you to allow Kit back into yourself?"

"It was Professor Lupin." Harry admitted shyly. "I didn't tell you before, but I've been meeting him for lunch and we talk about school and classes and all sorts of things. He really seems to care about me. I know this seems stupid, but he hugs me and rubs my back, and just sits by me. I've never had that kind of… attention, I guess…" Harry shifted with embarrassment. "It made me understand Kit in a new way. She liked touch because it felt good and I couldn't understand that at all. But without even knowing it Professor Lupin helped me understand. I understand touching can be a… comfort now. Does that make sense?"

"Yes. It does." Severus nodded. "Humans need touch and children especially. You're not even use to playful touch, are you? The only kind of physical contact you've had with others is brief or painful. I should have guessed what you needed in order to understand Kit better."

Harry looked up at the man and bit his lips. This was the perfect opportunity to talk about something else that had been bothering him. But he was still afraid of the man's anger. Severus saw his expression and raised an eyebrow. Harry ducked his head and decided to go for it. He could trust Snape and be honest with him.

"Sir, I really like Professor Lupin, but I noticed that you dislike him more than the other DADA teachers, and, well, I was wondering why that is?"

Severus sighed and walked slowly back to his chair. He knew better than to put his own problems on the child. He only wished he had known since Harry's first year. He would not have been so cruel because of memories of James. Harry had enough to bear already. And he had finally found someone to give him what he so desperately needed.

He sat and looked over at Harry. The boy was staring at him nervously, unhappiness in his eyes. He knew the child depended on him and was quickly becoming just as close to Lupin. It was only natural for Harry to feel unhappy with the disharmony between the only two adults he had ever come to feel he could trust.

"I have known Professor Lupin for a long time." Severus answered calmly, keeping his old hate free of his face and voice. "We were childhood enemies, much like you and Mr. Malfoy."

"Oh." Harry fidgeted. "Well, I… can stop…"

"No." Severus interrupted, and grit his teeth hard before forcing himself to relax. As much as he cared for Harry, he couldn't give him the physical affection and comfort he needed. And Harry would need this in order to survive facing the truth of Boy. If it meant Harry's survival, he could come to some kind of understanding with the mangy wolf! "Professor Lupin and I have differences, but there is no reason why you should not be… friends with him."

"Okay." Harry said uncertainly.

"Really, Harry. I'm fine with it and it will surely not affect our relationship."

"Thank you." Harry smiled in relief. "I didn't want to make you angry."

"I am not." Severus assured. "You have half an hour. Would you like to play or continue talking?"

"Play, sir." Harry jumped up and took off his necklace.

Severus cleared the boy a space and took out essays to grade. As soon as Harry's fingers hit the keys, he froze. The boy's playing had changed. There was a smoothness to it that had never been present before. He looked up and watched as Harry smiled absently, his body rocking as his fingers stretched and tapped out a beautiful melody.

Realization dawned, and Severus felt a rare smile stretch his lips. This was the first time Harry had played with no other purpose but for enjoyment. This wasn't to vent or untangle his emotions. Harry was playing because he liked it. The music swelled and rolled through the room. It was something alive. Severus watched Harry's smile get bigger. Yes. He could put up with Lupin for this.

xXxXxXx

Harry was feeling better (not good, but better) the next day. Hermione and Ron seemed to notice and relaxed. Classes were going good and when he got do Defense Harry smiled warmly at Lupin. The professor smiled back and winked. Things got even better when Oliver called a Quidditch meeting that night.

Reminded of the up coming season, Harry felt excitement and strength return to him. He loved flying and the team was all the more determined than ever to win the Cup for Oliver. The seventh year captain was obsessed with winning since Gryffindor had been cheated out of the cup for two years now, and it was his last chance to win it. He was beyond determined this year. So much so that he made them practice three times a week.

Harry had detentions with Snape two out of the four free nights that he didn't have practice and he worked furiously on homework whenever he had a chance. Even though he was doing all he could, he was still slightly behind. He continued to meet Lupin for lunch two times a week.

As the second month of school passed, Harry became closer and closer to the kind man. He was delighted to notice that Snape's attitude had turned from loathing to general dislike. It made Harry feel like a million galleons. For the first time in a long while, Harry felt truly happy. Not even being excluded from the first Hogsmeade weekend could ruin it. Sure, he felt disappointed, but he planned to spend the day with Remus.

xXxXxXx

Harry sat with Ron and Hermione in front of the fire in the common room. All the Gryffindors were talking excitedly. Tomorrow was Halloween and they were leaving in the morning to go to Hogsmeade. Ron and Hermione tried their best to cheer him up, but he just smiled and shook his head. They didn't believe him when he said he was okay with not going.

"You should do some homework. This is a great chance for you to get caught up." Hermione told him. "With all your Quidditch practices and detentions with Professor Snape, you're falling behind."

"I'm fine, Hermione." Harry assured her for the hundredth time that week and tenth time that day.

"I've been helping him." Ron told her with a glare.

Harry sighed, tiredly annoyed. His two friends were fighting more than usually this year and it was starting to grow old.

"Letting him copy isn't helping him." Hermione sniffed.

"How's Scabbers? Feeling better?" Harry interrupted. Crookshanks chose that moment to jump into Hermione's lap.

"Not really, and he's in my bag, so keep that monster over there." He said sharply to Hermione.

"Ron, don't blame him for Scabbers feeling unwell." She snapped back. "He was sick before I ever got Crookshanks."

"Well, he's certainly not helping." Ron muttered darkly.

As if to prove the redhead right, Crookshanks leapt for the boy's school bag. Ron and Hermione were screaming, Scabbers went running for his life, Crookshanks looked mightily smug as Hermione hurried him away, and Ron was frantic as he cradled the obviously ailing rat to his chest. Just another night in the Tower, and Harry went to bed to escape the hyper-activity of his House.

xXxXxXx

"Good morning, Harry." Professor Lupin said brightly as Harry stepped into his office.

"Morning, Remus." Harry smiled back and sat in his favorite chair a little to the side of his teacher's desk. The professor had asked him to call him by his first name whenever they weren't in class and Harry had taken to doing so with relish.

"Perfect timing." Remus grinned and gestured to the tank on his desk. "I've just taken delivery of a grindylow for our next lesson."

Harry peered into the tank and saw a sickly green creature with sharp little horns. It had its face pressed up against the glass and was flexing its long, spindly fingers. "Cool." He grinned as he tapped the glass. The creature hissed furiously at him.

"It's a water demon." He said as he watched the little creature thoughtfully. "We shouldn't have much difficulty with him, not after the kappas. The trick is to break his grip. You notice the abnormally long fingers? Strong, but very brittle." He turned away and smiled at Harry. "Cup of tea?"

"Sure." Harry burrowed into the chair contentedly.

Remus summoned a tea-set and began to pour them both cups when there was a knock on the door. The professor called for whomever to enter and Snape walked into the room. Harry's eyes widened, but he said nothing. Snape looked at him calmly before turning to Remus. The Defense teacher smiled his normal friendly smile. It seemed he was not similarly affected by the childhood animosity between them.

"Ah, Severus, thanks very much. Could you leave it here on the desk for me?" Snape set down the smoking goblet he was carrying with him, his eyes drifting back to Harry who was beginning to frown with worry. "I was just showing Harry my grindylow."

"Fascinating." Snape drawled sarcastically, but compared to his normal responses that was rather pleasant. "You should drink this directly, Professor Lupin."

"Yes, yes, I will."

"I made an entire cauldron full, if you need more." Snape continued and Harry leaned forward to see what was in the goblet better. It looked like mud.

"I should probably take some again tomorrow. Thanks very much, Severus."

"Not at all." Snape brushed the gratitude away, and Harry almost smiled. He was very familiar with that particular gesture.

"What is it?" Harry asked when his Potions teacher left the room.

"I've been a bit off-color." Remus said unconcerned as he lifted the goblet. "This potion is the only thing that helps. I am very lucky to be working alongside Professor Snape; there aren't very many wizards who can brew it correctly."

Harry watched him worriedly as the teacher slowly drank the potion down. Remus was sick? His worry subsided when he considered that Snape knew about it and was making his friend healing potions. Harry had utmost faith in the professor's skill with potions, so he relaxed back into his chair.

"So do you think you're team is ready for the match against Slytherin next weekend?" Remus asked and listened to Harry go on and on about Quidditch with an indulgent smile.

Harry stayed with him until lunch, but knew he should try and get some work done before the others got back. He said goodbye, giving his teacher a long hug. Lupin held him, ruffling his hair when Harry pulled away. "See you at the feast tonight!" Harry called and bounded out the door.

xXxXxXx

Ron and Hermione came back from Hogsmeade glowing with happiness. They had kept their promise, pouring a pile of sweets into Harry's lap. He laughed at them and listened to their excited chatter before going with them to the feast. The decorations were beautiful and music was playing. Everyone was having a good time and the food was better than ever. Things were great. At least until they went up to bed.

The hall and stairs leading to Gryffindor Tower were clogged. No one could get through and they could hear Percy yelling for Dumbledore. Harry pushed his way to the front, his friends following in his wake. His green eyes widened as he saw the Fat Lady's portrait. It was slashed to ribbons. Black was in the castle.

The whole school was sent to the Great Hall to sleep while the castle was searched. They never found the convict and Harry overheard Snape speaking to Dumbledore. He believed someone helped Black get in. Harry was touched that Snape was worried about him and doing all he could to keep Black out of the castle. But he didn't like the implications. Harry had a strange feeling that Snape thought it was Professor Lupin who would help the murderer.

xXxXxXx

"Severus, what can I do for you?" Lupin asked distractedly as he gathered his papers from his desk. He had class in a few minutes. But all the paper he had gathered went flying as he was grabbed and slammed violently into the wall.

"I'm warning you, Wolf. If you are helping your filthy murderer get into this school, you will not live to regret your betrayal. I will make sure you suffer so badly you will think the transformation is heaven. Am I clear?"

Lupin was generally a passive man, but not when it came to the people he cared about and Harry was on the top of that list. With werewolf increased strength, Lupin reversed their positions with a growl, his eyes glowing gold. Severus stiffened, still having lingering fears from when he was a teenager and was attacked by this very man on the night of the full moon.

"I would be the first one to kill Black if I were to ever lay eyes on him, do not mistake me, Severus. He took every happiness from me. I blame him fully for Harry's sufferings."

"What are you talking about?" Severus asked, his face instantly blank as he watched Lupin's eyes widen. The werewolf hadn't meant to say what he had. Anger had loosened his tongue.

"Nothing." Lupin jerked away, but Severus wouldn't let him go.

"I care for Harry as well." He said. "I need to know."

Lupin eyed him for a minute before sighing and sitting in his chair. He looked suddenly exhausted; his eyes were no longer gold, but a dull brown. Severus sat stiffly across from him.

"He hasn't said anything, but I know the evidence of severe neglect when I see it." The werewolf looked out the window, his head resting on the back of his chair. "I was turned when I was five. No one wanted to touch me after that. It got to the point where I was shocked when anyone went to shake my hand or even brushed up against me. James and the others helped me, reminded me what it was to be human. I saw the same surprise in Harry's face and suspect Lily's sister has not treated him well. I've not found the courage to ask him directly about it, but have been making an effort to get him use to human contact again."

"It seems to be working." Severus said grudgingly.

"It does." Lupin smiled and all of Severus' doubts went away at the adoring expression on the werewolf's face. "Harry is such an affectionate child. It's astonishing that anyone could purposely deny that boy love." Lupin lifted his head and grew very serious. "Do you know anything about it?"

Severus sat silently. He would not betray Harry's confidences. But on the other hand, Harry trusted Lupin and was upset when his two teachers were at odds. To withhold information would only make the werewolf distrustful and wary. So he compromised and nodded, adding nothing else. The two men stared in each other's eyes for a long minute before Lupin nodded, accepting his colleague's silence out of respect for Harry.

xXxXxXx

"Come in." Severus said in a harsh tone and Harry slipped into the room. It wasn't a night that Harry had a detention so he raised an eyebrow curiously, his dark eyes beginning to glitter with worry.

"Sir. I'm sorry, I know that I wasn't supposed to come tonight, but I really wanted to ask you something." Harry rushed out.

"Calm down. Breathe." Severus told him lowly and gestured to the boy's usual seat.

Harry fell into it and took a deep breath. He knew his teacher would wait until he was ready, so he took a few minutes to gather his thoughts. He felt it might be wise to start on more neutral ground before he asked after his friend. "I've been having bad dreams." He said with a blush of embarrassment. "I… I know this is really petty, but I wanted… could I have some… Dreamless Sleep because I'm really tired and the match is tomorrow and…"

"You thought I'd withhold the potion because you are scheduled to play my House team?" Severus sneered, eyes hard.

"Of course not!" Harry said loudly, horrified. "No! I thought you wouldn't because I shouldn't be having bad dreams at all anymore. I'm supposed to be over what L-Lockhart did. I mean, Kit's gone, now back as a part of me, so…"

"I see." Severus murmured, understanding and regretful that he accused the boy wrongly. "Harry, listen to me. You will always remember and be hurt by what happened. It will never be all better, but there will come a point where what happened will be nothing but a painful memory and not something that hurts all the time. Even though you accepted Kit, you have not healed completely. That will take time and patience. Understand?"

"Yes." Harry nodded tearfully. "I just really hoped I was over it. And during the day I am, mostly. But at night… It all just comes back to me so clearly and it starts hurting all over again."

"That doesn't make you weak, Harry." Severus scolded. "I can see it in your face that's what you are thinking. You are not weak. It wasn't your fault. Give yourself time to grieve. Something was taken from you that you will never get back." He stood and went to the cabinet against the wall.

He quickly found what he needed and brought four vials of Dreamless Sleep over, "This potion is addictive and it isn't always good to refuse your mind nightmares. They do have a purpose. So I want you to only take half of a vial before bed for three days. And then half every other day for four more. After that, only take some when the nightmares get especially bad and you really need rest. If it gets to that point, Harry, I want you to tell me."

"Yes, sir." Harry took the potions and smiled thankfully up at his teacher. He didn't know what he would do without him.

"I want you to also consider that you may need more than therapy to find closure. You may need to face Lockhart again before you move past this."

"I don't think I'll need that, sir." Harry said quickly, face pale, but relented when his teacher's eyes bore into him. "But I will think about it. If… if that's what… what I need to do in order to get better… then… of course, I will."

"I would be with you." Severus offered. "You will never face that man alone again."

Harry's whole body relaxed in relief. "Thank you, sir."

"Is there anything else you need?" He turned to go back to his chair.

"I… I was wondering about… Professor Lupin." Harry admitted in a rush. "On Halloween you made him a potion and he said it was because he wasn't feeling well, and I was sure that whatever you gave him would make him better, but today you substituted for him in class and said he was too sick to teach and I wanted to know if he was alright."

Severus eyed the babbling boy in front of him, "He is unwell, yes. What he has can't be cured, so at times there is nothing that can be done to help him. My potion only gives him a little help. However, he will be back feeling better soon."

Harry's breathing had become quick and he forced himself to breathe deeply as he had been taught. Severus waited patiently as he always did, his face calm and his eyes watchful. Finally, Harry got out his question, "Sir, is he going to d-die?"

"No." Severus answered with surprising gentleness. "The illness makes him sick, but it will not kill him any time soon. He will be around for a while yet."

"Thank you." Harry sagged into his seat and with innocent eyes asked, "Do you really think he would help Black?"

"Why do you ask that?" Severus asked sharply.

"I… I overheard you in the Great Hall talking to Dumbledore Halloween night." He admitted; eyes now wary, but not afraid.

"I did." Severus leaned back, regaining his composure. "But I am now fairly confident he had no hand in Black's appearance here."

"Oh, okay." Harry relaxed still more and his eyes began to droop. "Can… Can I sleep here for a little while? Just while you grade papers? A short nap, I promise."

Severus sneered at the child who only smiled sleepily in response. With a sigh, he caved and gave a sharp nod. He flicked his wand and the student chair Harry was sitting in became a luxurious recliner. The boy's smile widened and he curled up like a kitten, asleep within seconds even without the help of Dreamless Sleep. Severus watched him for a few moments before contentedly getting out essays to mark.

Chapter end.