Interlude: Words Spoken in Anger

John settled himself deeper into the jump seat, still exhausted from his and the Wolf's last outing. The Wolf had declared they were taking a day off after the adventure with the Beast and set the TARDIS to float in the Time Vortex, giving them time to relax without danger of being pulled into something. John was glad for the calm day. It seemed like they had been going non-stop for weeks, and his head was still hurting from the day before.

The Wolf saw him rubbing his forehead absentmindedly from where she was reading some kind of technical handbook of futuristic machinery, her head in his lap. "Still have a head ache?" she asked sympathetically.

"Nah, it's fine," John denied. "What's still bugging me is the part where I'm apparently a mind reader now. Feel like explaining that one to me yet? And why you knew and I didn't? How long have you known?" he asked one after the other.

"Slow it down, John," the Wolf chuckled, sitting up and setting her manual down. "I can only answer one question at a time." She took a deep breath, finally ready to come clean. "I've known since the Game Station," she admitted.

John was silent for a moment. "Excuse me?"

"Since the Game Station," the Wolf repeated guiltily. "Those tests I ran right after that you asked about later? They confirmed it. I didn't know how far it had advanced, though."

"You make it sound like a cancer," John grumbled.

The Wolf laughed a bit. "Not cancer," she reassured him. "It's not altogether unsurprising. You were in contact with the TARDIS for far too long to come out unscathed. I'm amazed you came out of it at all, to be honest. You're lucky all you got out of the whole venture was some telepathy and a bond with the TARDIS."

"Excuse me?" John asked again. He was saying that too much. But nothing made sense, and his head still hurt, and he really kind of just wanted to lie down. "The TARDIS?"

The Wolf nodded. "You know, when she talks to you. She doesn't do that with just anyone. Her bond with you is probably what kept you alive after you absorbed her heart."

"And what does that mean?" John asked, worried. "Is she the one that keeps talking to me?"

She stared at him, a little astonished. I guess that answers that question, the Wolf mused. "A little voice? Sort of musical, chiming?"

John was already nodding. "Yeah. It never says much, but it definitely has input." He was still exhausted and sore – probably side effects from whatever Zach had drugged him with the other day – but he was too interested in this new information to go lie down for a nap now.

The Wolf rolled her eyes. "Yeah, that's her," she muttered. "She doesn't talk all that much, not even to me. But you'd better listen when she does. She knows what's up, don't you love?"

The TARDIS flashed her lights. Yes.

"Right there," John spoke up. "That was it. That's her?" He sat down on the jump seat, not having even realized he's stood at some point, absorbing all the new information flying at him.

"You okay?" the Wolf asked, concerned.

"Yeah," John murmured. "It's just a lot. I think I just need some time to think it all through."

"I understand. Take however much time you need. I'll be right here if you have anymore questions." The Wolf turned away and began working on the TARDIS console, repairing things that had been damaged during the ship's unplanned plummet to the center of Kroptor. She did the repairs much more quietly and with a lot less cursing than normal, giving John the silence he needed to work through his thoughts.

John remained quiet as well, thinking deeply. He was shocked, true, but it wasn't altogether a surprise to him, as the Wolf had noted. He had known something was strange for a while. He was more surprised that he hadn't connected it to the events of the Game Station, but he didn't like to think about the day. The remembered fear of losing the Wolf forever kept John from dwelling on that particular day, which he figured explained why he hadn't made the connection.

It didn't take as long as he expected to come to terms with his new-found telepathy. John decided that he would take his new abilities at face value, and just see what happened in the future. They hadn't really disturbed him yet – had actually turned out rather useful. The Wolf would tell him if they had the potential to become dangerous.

That decided, John's thoughts turned to the events of the last day. He didn't think he had been that frightened since the Game Station. Losing the TARDIS, the Ood turning demonic under the influence of the literal devil, almost falling into a black hole added up to quite a bit of stress for one day. Add in the fact that he had almost the Wolf as well, and John was surprised he was still in one piece mentally and physically.

But one part of the day was worse than all of that, even more than thinking that the Wolf was dead. Toby's face passed through John's mind – his look of fear when Jefferson trained a gun on him, his sarcasm, the writing consuming his face and turning him into a beast. He was an innocent kid, younger than John, and John had killed him. He had fired the bolt gun and unlocked his seat belt. All on his own. He did that.

"I killed someone today," he murmured.

The Wolf froze at her spot at the helvetic converter on the console. She sighed deeply and turned to face John. "In self defense," she reminded him gently.

"Still makes me a killer."

"John that's not true," she denied.

John stood abruptly, pacing back and forth across the platform grating. "No, Toby was innocent. And now he's dead. Because of me."

The Wolf paused, considering her words carefully. "It was the right thing to do," she finally said. "We can't save everyone, John."

John stopped his pacing and looked at her, eyes sharp. "What if it had been me?"

"What?"

"What if I had been the one possessed by the Beast?" John asked again impatiently. "Would I have been the right one to save?"

"...You weren't," the Wolf rejected.

"But what if I was?"

"It didn't happen. That's all that matters."

John threw his hands in the air in frustration. "You can't even say it!" He frantically ran his hands through his hair, making it stand on end. "Which means that you would have done something differently." The Wolf was silent, glaring at a spot over his shoulder, unable to meet John's eyes. "You would have brought the Beast on board the TARDIS, endangering yourself, her, the rest of the universe. Why?"

"Leave it alone, John," the Wolf warned through gritted teeth.

"No! What makes me different, Wolf? What makes my life more important than anyone else's?" John insisted.

"EVERYTHING!" the Wolf exploded. John took a step back, finally shocked into silence. "Don't you understand, John?" she continued unimpeded. "I will do anything to keep you safe. Including, yes, sacrificing those innocent lives who are lost already and putting both myself and the TARDIS at risk. But it's like the universe is playing against us!" She slammed her fist down on a control panel on the console, causing John to jump and the TARDIS to squawk in annoyance, but she ignored both of them. "I can't always be there to keep you safe anymore. It's almost as though the universe is actively trying to pull us apart. Sometimes you just know when something's ending," she sighed and turned to face him. "But you know what? Two years ago, I picked you. In the middle of that clothing store, I chose you. Which means that I will always choose you. Consequences bedamned." She stood stock still, chest heaving as she tried to catch her breath from her outburst.

After a moment of processing her words, John shook his head sadly. "But that's not the way the universe works, Wolf. At least, not the one you've shown me. There's going to come a time – maybe tomorrow, maybe ten years from now – where you're going to have to make a choice. You're going to have to pick between me and a – a planet. Between me and another person's life." He paused, hesitating, before forging on. The anger was gone from his voice now, a kind of exhausted sorrow replacing it. "Between me and you. And you're going to have to make the right choice. And the right choice is never going to be me."

With that, John turned and walked down a hallway, leaving the Wolf in stunned silence. When he was out of sight, the TARDIS hummed mournfully, her lights dimming.

"I don't know, love," the Wolf whispered. "I don't know."