*THank-you for the reviews on the last chapter they were greatly appreciated thank-you so much!*
I am woken up by a pair of soft lips on my neck, an arm wrapped around me and a hand up my shirt. I wake up in a panic, my heart racing as I turn over. Relief sets in as I see it is Dean. I don't know how long I've been out but it is well after 9pm. "Dean," I say softly before his lips find mine.
"Ana, I want you so much," he says as I smell the alcohol, weed and cigarette smoke on his breath and on his clothes.
"Dean," I say pushing him away. "We need to talk."
"We can talk later," he says as he towers over me. "I need you, Ana," he says looking down at me with blood shot blue eyes. I see the lust in his eyes, the drunkenness in his eyes as he looks down at me. He leans down and presses his lips against mine. I take my fingers through his dirty blonde hair as his mouth possesses mine as I grant his tongue access into my mouth. "I love you, Ana," he says against my lips.
"I love you too, Dean," I say, "are you drunk?"
"It doesn't matter," he says, "I'm home, Ana."
"Dean," I say. "I'm pregnant."
"What?" he asks pulling away from me like I just announced that I have some terrible disease. "Pregnant?"
"Yes," I say as he removes himself from me and sits next to me on the bed. I sit up with him. "I'm pregnant."
"You can't be pregnant," he says. "We've been careful and you took the Plan B. You can't be pregnant."
"I wish that was the case but I am. I don't know how I mean I know how but I don't know why the Plan B didn't work. I'm 9 weeks pregnant, Dean."
"I don't want a kid. You don't want a kid. What the fuck, Anastasia."
"And when I needed you to be at the free clinic with me you had something to take care of. What were you taking care of besides smoking weed and getting drunk? You should have been there."
"I didn't plan to get drunk today or high. I went to meet a friend on business and then we just hung out."
"So that's what you had to take care of?" I ask with agitation. "I could have used you at that doctor's office today. To hear that I am pregnant and see our baby on the screen was devastating. I don't' want a kid. I don't want to have a baby, Dean. And you surely aren't ready to be a dad. You chose to go hang out with your friends instead of coming with me."
"What do you want me to do, Ana? I'm trying here. I had to take care of something. I had some drugs to sell."
"I thought you were done with the drug selling business?" I ask.
"I have to make money any way that I can."
"No, Dean, you don't' have to make money like that you want to make money like that instead of being like any other person who finds a job; a legal job to make money. You could have done that instead you choose to sell drugs," I say shaking my head in disbelief trying not to cry. "I thought you were changing but here you are drunk and high. I thought you were going to be different."
"Ana," he says, "don't be like that. I love you. I won't drink anymore. I won't smoke weed anymore. You have to give me credit I've been trying for a month to make you happy. I fucked up tonight. I'm a fuck up, Anastasia. I fuck up everything. I'm a screw up, Anastasia. I'm trying. I'm trying for you but I screwed up. I'm sorry."
"You're sorry this time, Dean, but what if it happens again? What if you get drunk again or you need to get high again? Or what if you feel the need to sell drugs, Dean? That's dangerous. You can get killed that way. You can go to jail because of this. You are working so hard in school, Dean the last thing I want to see you do is throw it all away because you want to sell drugs. It's not worth it, Dean, you're better than this. You and I are having a baby and I am scared to death. I don't' want a baby, Dean."
"I don't want a baby either," he says, "look at me, Ana, I'm a fuck up. I don't know the first thing about being a father. I don't want a kid right now."
"What are you saying?" I ask as I place my hand over my stomach. The thought of having a baby is scary, not knowing where my life is going to go is even scarier but I was hoping for a little encouragement from Dean but he's not ready to be a father. I'm not ready to be a mother. We aren't ready for this at all but I don't know if I want to get rid of this creature inside of me. I'm confused and lost right now.
"I don't' want that baby, Ana, you and me have our lives planned out. Not one of those plans involves raising a baby at 17. We are kids. We have dreams," he says, "I don't want that baby and I know you don't either so let's just get an abortion and call it a day," he says.
"You want me to get an abortion?" I ask. "I don't know if I can do that. Can't you think about it? I'm trying to think about it. I don't think we are ready but to get an abortion I'm not sure about it. We have options, Dean. I don't' know what I want to do. I thought that you would at least think about it before choosing to kill it."
"Look at me, Ana, do I look like a father to you? Do I look like I know shit about being a father? I don't even know how to take care of myself. I can't take care of a baby. Look at where we live. I don't want to bring a baby into this world. We don't have the money to be parents. I'm a fuck up, Ana."
"Dean," I say, "you're not a fuck up. You think that you are but you're not."
"Look at me. I'm never going to be the guy you want me to be. You want me to be this big successful guy."
"I want you to know that you're bigger than those streets out there, Dean. That's not a bad thing and you are. You're bigger than selling drugs and bigger than getting drunk and high. You're smart. If you would just stop and think about that for one minute you would see that. I see that. Why can't you?"
"Because Ana, this is my life. The streets are my life. Look my mom always told me the streets will be my home forever because I will knock up some girl. My life is screwed, Ana. I'm not going to let you screw up yours. Just get rid of the baby."
"You don't even want to try?" I ask with tears in my eyes.
He scoffs and says, "Try? Try to screw up my kid's life? Because that's what's going to happen, I screw up everything I touch. I'm toxic, don't you see that. I screwed up your life. You had your whole life planned before you met me and I screwed that up. Just get rid of it, Ana. I'm not the guy for you. I'm no good for you. We can't do this. We come from two different walks of life. I'm not meant for you and I sure as hell don't deserve you. You deserve better than me. That baby deserves more than this. You need to just get rid of it, live your life and forget about me. This is my life."
"Dean," I say with tears flowing down my cheeks. "Please."
"No, Ana, you should go. Go back home, go back to your life. This isn't the life for you. I won't screw up your life. You deserve better than me."
"Dean, I love you," I say through my cries and tears. "I love you so much. I want to do this. I want to have this baby with you. I want to be with you. We can figure it out, please don't make me leave."
"Ana," he says, "I'm sorry. I can't have a baby and you don't need to have a baby either. I won't let you screw up your life."
"It's not screwing up my life if I want to do this. We can make it work. Please, Dean," I beg desperately.
"Ana," he says as he stands up. "Just go," he says without any sympathy in his voice.
"Don't you love me?" I ask as I get out of bed.
"I'm letting you go because I love you," he says. My heart breaks into a million pieces as I fall to my knees in sobs as Dean stands over me watching me cry. I finally pull myself together and he says, "I'm sorry, Ana, but you deserve better than me."
"You're right, Dean, maybe I do," I say as I stand up start to pack up my bags. "I'll call my dad to come pick me up."
"I'm sorry," he says.
"You know what, Dean, don't. I'm sorry too. Sorry that you can't see that you're better than you think you are. And I'm sorry that you don't realize how great of a guy you truly are. I'm sorry," I say. "I'm sorry."
My dad arrives outside of Dean's house 15 minutes after I call him to tell him I want to come home. The last thing tonight that I want to do is deal with my dad but Dean wanted me out of his house so I left. The car ride to our house is done in silence and I can feel my dad's blue eyes on me occasionally as he drives down the road. I look out the window with tears rolling down my cheeks because I have no idea what I want to do now. I thought Dean would have had a better reaction but instead we ended up breaking up. I miss him already. "Are you okay, Anastasia?" asks my dad as I choke on a sob. "Did that boy hurt you?"
"No, Dad," I say as we pull into my neighborhood. "I don't want to talk about it in the car."
"Because if he hurt you, Anastasia, I will call the police."
"The only thing he did was break my heart," I say as I choke on another sob. "I love him, Dad," I say.
"Anastasia," he says, "You can't fall in love with a boy like that. He's nothing but trouble. Shawn has been asking about you. He wants another shot with you. I think that would be best for you."
"Dad," I say, "I don't want Shawn. I don't want anyone," I say as he pulls onto our street. "If I can't have Dean I don't want anyone."
"Anastasia," he says with a strange tone in his voice, "That Dean boy is no good for you. He's nothing but trouble. A girl like you shouldn't be with a guy like that. You deserve better," he says. "You just had a poor bout of judgment and that's okay we all make mistakes you can learn from this," he says pulling into our driveway. "You can go on with your life now. You can live your life the way you want to. I'm glad you're home, Anastasia. I missed you."
"Dad, I didn't make a mistake I love him. I know what love feels like. I love him so much it hurts. The thought of living without him is killing me. I love him, Dad. I don't care if he's a bad boy or if he's poor. I know him for who he truly is. He's a good guy don't make me feel like I made a mistake when I didn't make a mistake. The only mistake I made was walking out tonight when he told me to leave."
"Anastasia," he says as we get out of the car. "That's not your life. This is your life," he says pointing to our mansion. "This is who you are. You're not a girl that lives in the projects. This is where you belong. Shawn is who you belong with or someone like Shawn. Guys like Dean end up dead or in jail. Is that what you want for the rest of your life? A dead lover or someone you have to visit every week in prison."
"Dad," I say as we are getting ready to walk into the house. "I'm pregnant," I say as he freezes.
"You're what?" he asks with an eerie calmness in his voice as he opens the door.
"I'm pregnant," I say. "I'm 9 weeks pregnant."
"Oh, Anastasia," he says, "I feared something like this would happen."
"I don't know what to do, Dad," I say as he hugs me. "I don't know how to handle it. I want to live my dreams but I also want to raise this baby and know what it's like to be a mother. I don't know what to do, Dad. I'm scared. I'm confused. I don't know."
"Anastasia," he says. "At 17 do you think you're really ready to be a mother?"
"Probably not but I could try," I say.
"Anastasia, you're a smart girl. Having a baby now will ruin everything you ever worked for. You'll have to drop out of school, you'll have to get a job and you'll never go to college. You'll never have your own life," he says. "You're going to be scared and confused. I understand that but becoming a mother right now will ruin your whole life, Anastasia," he says as we walk into the living room.
"So what am I supposed to do, Dad? What am I supposed to do because I have no idea what is best for me right now."
"The best thing," he says, "is to end this pregnancy now. I can get you in sometime this week, get it taken care of and it will be like nothing ever happened, Ana. We will never have to talk about it."
"But what if I don't want to take care if it or abort it? What if I want to be a mother?"
"Then you throw your entire life away, Anastasia. This is not the life for you. You're 17 years old. You're still young. You have your whole life in front of you. You have so many great things in life still to come; prom, graduation, college, college graduation, then you can get married and have as many kids as you want when you're ready to be a mother. You will have a good job and you'll have a solid foundation but having a baby right now, Ana, is not the right thing for you. You'll never be able to finish school or become successful in life. Is that what you want? Do you want to just give up everything you've worked so hard for, give up college and give up your life to be a mom to a baby with some street rat? What did Dean say when you told him?"
"He told me to get rid of it. He told me he's not ready to be a father," I say, "but the thought of just getting rid of it seems so horrible."
"Ana," he says, "it is a horrible thought but bringing a baby into a world where who knows what is going to happen isn't fair to it either. Dean doesn't want to be a father and Dean doesn't want this baby. He is saying to get rid of it so just get rid of it," he says. "You're not ready to be a mother, Anastasia. You're so young I don't want to see you throw your entire life away. Getting an abortion will be the best thing right now."
"Dad," I say with tears in my eyes. "I don't know if I can."
"Do you want to give up high school and college to be a mother? Are you willing to make that sacrifice? Babies are a lot of work, Anastasia. They're not an accessory. Girls your age these days seem to think it's cool and fun to have a baby attached to their hip and think it's fun to dress them up and carry them around. A baby is not an accessory. They are a lot of work. They cry, they poop, they pee, they're expensive, they teeth, they throw up. It's not a picnic being a parent, Anastasia. You're not ready for that. I love you and I just want to see you be successful in life. Having a baby is going to change all that. I think you should get an abortion and take care of it now."
"What about adoption?" I ask.
"Adoption? What if you get attached to the baby? You may not want to give it up. Adoption is a good idea but at the same time having a baby grow inside of you and feeling it move you may get attached to it. It's better to end it now before you get attached to it. I don't' want to see you throw your life away, Ana."
"Fine, Dad, I'll get an abortion," I say. "I want a life and I want to go to college. I want to graduate high school. I'm going to get an abortion."
"This is the best thing for you, Ana," he says. "You will thank me later."
"Whatever, Dad. I'm going to bed. It's been a long day and I really don't want to talk about this anymore. Goodnight."
"Goodnight, Ana," he says. "I love you and I only want what's best for you."
"I know, Dad," I say as I make my way to the stairs to go upstairs to my bedroom. The only thing on my mind at the moment is going to sleep and forgetting that this day ever happened.
DEAN's POINT OF VIEW:
I see Ana standing at her locker getting her books out after lunch. She's been ignoring me all day. I've done everything I could to apologize to her but she won't listen to me. I probably deserve it. I was an ass last night. I got drunk and I got high then I basically broke up with her after she told me the news of us having a baby. I don't know why I acted the way I did but I owe her an apology. I take a deep breath as I walk over to her. "Hey, Ana," I say.
"Dean, I really don't have anything to say to you."
"I just want to apologize for last night. I'm sorry. I should have never gone out and gotten drunk. I shouldn't have gotten high either. I screwed up. I'm sorry. I love you, Ana and I want to be with you. I'm sorry."
"Dean," she says, "last night you told me I deserve better than you. You told me that you weren't the guy for me. You basically told me that you didn't want to be a father. Well, I don't want to be a mother. I'm too young."
"We're young," I say, "but we can do this. We can try."
"Dean, I wanted to try last night but you said you were a fuck up and that you screw up everything you touch. Dean, we have our whole lives in front of us. Having a baby right now isn't what we need. You want your wrestling thing and I want my ballet thing. In fact I got into the Joffrey. They called me this morning. I leave in June to go to New York," she says and I feel my heart stop.
"And what about the baby and the pregnancy?" I ask.
"I'm getting an abortion on Friday," she says.
"Can't we talk about this?" I ask.
"Last night was the time for us to talk. You didn't want to talk. I made my decision," she says shutting her locker. "So don't worry you won't have to worry about fucking up our baby's life because after Friday there won't be a baby." She says before she walks away leaving me speechless. I feel the rage inside of me and punch the locker.
I blow off the rest of my classes for the day to hang out with my friend Tahj. "I haven't seen you around for a while," he says to me as we are sitting in the park on this abnormally warm March day in Ohio.
"I've been busy," I say as he lights up a joint.
"Oh your girlfriend," he says as he takes a hit. "She is pretty."
"She's beautiful," I say as he hands me the joint. "No I am trying to quit."
"Whoa," he says, "you're giving up pot?"
"Yeah," I say, "Supposedly I'm going to be a father or was going to be a father," I say.
"Hold up, you knocked that girl up?"
"Yeah it was a surprise to both of us," I say. "She told me last night and she wanted to talk but I was an ass. I was too drunk and high to talk about it. Then this morning she was gone."
"Wow so what's up with the kid?" he asks. "You keeping it or what?"
"I don't know," I say. "I wanted to talk to her about it today but she didn't want to talk. She's upset with me after last night. I don't blame her. I treated her like crap, TJ. She is one of the only people in my life that has ever given a crap about me and I pushed her away."
"Yeah," he says as he takes another hit. "Girls like that don't understand our lifestyle."
"I know but I want something different than this lifestyle. I want to be something. I want to be someone. I don't want to live this life you know. I might want to be a dad."
"Then be a dad," he says.
"I don't know if I am ready," I say. "A baby is a scary thought. I don't have any idea how to be a dad. Besides she is going to New York in a couple months. She's getting an abortion."
"That's your kid too," he says, "if you don't' want her to get an abortion fight her on it. If you want to be a dad then be a dad."
"I don't know," I say. "I'm scared to death. I mean I never wanted a kid till I knew I could take care of it. I have plans maybe her getting an abortion isn't a bad idea."
"Once that shit is done," he says, "there is no coming back from that."
"Well, she has her own dreams," I say, "I can't ask her to give them up for me to be a dad. I don't have the first clue on how to be dad. I might just screw this kid up. I don't want it to have the life that I had you know. I don't want him to grow up on this side of town. I want him or maybe her to have a good life. Asking her to give up her dreams is selfish."
"I think you two need to talk about it and get it straight. Do you want this baby, Dean?"
"I think I want to try it out. I want to make it work," I say. "I mean I knocked her up. I think I should take some responsibility but ultimately it's her decision. I can't stop her from doing what she wants."
"Maybe she wants to hear you say you will try and that you want to figure it out. You need to talk about it. What are you going to do to take care of a baby though, Dean?"
"I don't know. I was thinking maybe I'll get some 9-5 job to buy formula and diapers. You know all that stuff. I don't know. I just don't know what a father does."
"So you're going to drop out of school?"
"If I need to I will," I say. "I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be a father. I just hope if I talk to Ana she will listen and we can come to some agreement but I really don't want her to give up on her dreams for me."
"You both made that child you both need to agree on how to handle it. It is your choice too."
"I know, Man but what kind of father can I really be? Look at me."
"I'm looking at you, Bro, but you know what I saw when you were talking about possibly keeping that baby?"
"What?"
"Love," he says. "You already love that baby and it can't be that far into the pregnancy. You are already trying to make sacrifices to be a dad. I think you can do this, Man. Go for it, Bro. Own up to it and be a dad."
"I'm going to try to talk to Ana and see if she will be willing to try it out but like I said I don't want her to feel she needs to give up on her dream but I want her to know I'm willing to be a dad and I am willing to do whatever it takes to be a father."
"Good luck," he says. "For what it's worth, Dean, I think you'll make a great father. No one is perfect but you love Ana and I know she loves you. I think you two can make it work."
"I hope so," I say.
*A/N: What did you think of Dean blowing off Ana's appointment to get drunk with his friends? What did you think of his reaction of her being pregnant? Did he make a big mistake? What about Ana's father's reaction? Were you surprised? Do you think he pushed her into deciding on an abortion? What about her getting into the Joffrey do you think that helped push her a little more toward her decision? What did you think of Dean's conversation with TJ? Does it sound like Dean has some remorse from how he behaved the previous night? Do you think Ana will listen to him or do you think she will still go through with the abortion? Please review and thank-you for reading.