*THank-you for the reviews on the last chapter. THey were greatly appreciated. Thank-you all so much*
I don't know what to say or do. I feel so powerless in something I can't control. Our little girl may need heart surgery if the hole in her heart doesn't close on its own. She's so tiny and precious. I can't stand the fact that she could go through so much pain and there's nothing I can do about it. I love her so much and I know you will too but this is the hardest part of being a parent. I wish you were here so that I wasn't alone or that I could talk to you more so that I have someone to talk to. I love you, Dean and I know you're going to become a better person. I know you're going to be a great father but I can't wait till you're home with us. We need you, I need you and Natalia needs her daddy. I love you so much, Dean just stay strong while you're in there and do what you need to do. I'll stay strong if you do. I promise Natalia and I will be there to visit you soon. I can't wait for you two to meet each other. I love you always, Anastasia.
Tears fill my eyes as I fold up the letter that Ana sent me. I feel just as powerless as she does. It is my job to be there for both her and Natalia but I can't be. Hearing that my little girl may need heart surgery is devastating and knowing that Ana is dealing with it alone hurts even more. I am terrified at the thought of my precious little gummy bear needing to get surgery. I just hope and pray that the hole starts to close on its own. I look at the pictures hanging up on my wall of Natalia and of her and Ana. I smile at how beautiful she is; Ana was not lying she looks identical to me. She looks so precious. I can't wait to meet my Gummy Bear. Ana sent me at least 15 pictures of Natalia from her time in the hospital, when she went home and then some pictures from home. She also sent me a couple pictures of her and Natalia together. I can't wait for us to take a family picture together. I could look at the pictures all day and I am anxiously waiting for Ana to visit me so I can hold the precious strawberry blonde princess in the pictures for the first time.
Later that afternoon I am sitting in my group meeting with my counselor and a few other guys that are in here because of drug charges and things along those lines. I haven't really spoken in this group. I just wasn't ready to speak but I have taken the words about not blaming circumstances to heart and realize it wasn't the circumstance of my life that made me do what I did it was my choice that made me do the wrong thing. Everyone is faced with choices in life. They can make the right choice or they can make the wrong choice, I chose the wrong choice. I had a lot going for me and I decided that maybe my mom was right the streets were the life for me. The money from selling drugs was good but it was the wrong way to make the money. I made the wrong choice and I nearly lost everything and now I am paying the price. "Dean," says the counselor. "You're always so quiet, would you like to speak today? Do you have anything to say?"
I take a deep breath and stand up. Everyone around me seems to be shocked as I make my way to the front of the room. I look around at everyone in front of me as their eyes are on me. I almost chicken out but I think about Natalia and I know one of the ways I can get out of here is by talking and getting the help that I need. "My name is Dean," I say. "I am 17 years old."
"Hello, Dean," says the counselor. "Why are you here, Dean?"
"I am here because I got caught selling drugs and I was in the possession of drugs ranging from heroin, cocaine, weed to pain pills. I was working to earn money for my girlfriend and for my daughter and I got caught. I also have a drinking problem and I have a little bit of a drug addiction. I just took drugs to kill the pain I was feeling and to forget the life I was living. It wasn't the circumstance that made me a drug addict or an alcoholic but my own choice. It was a stupid choice and I made it. I just want to get the help that I need so that I can become a good father to my daughter and be in her life as well as her mother's." I take a deep breath and swallow hard before I continue. "I lost everything because of my choice to do drugs but the drugs always helped numb my pain. I became dependent on the drugs. I needed the drugs to get through every day and then I met the girl that changed my life forever. She was everything to me. She still is everything to me. She didn't want to see the bad in me. She didn't want to see the drugs in me. She saw me for me and she knew that I had some type of potential in me. I kicked my drug habit for a little bit, withdraw was horrible but knowing she cared about me and loved me made me realize I didn't need the drugs. I felt loved for the first time in my entire life. I had someone believing in me, telling me that I can and that they believed in me. I had her telling me I could do anything that I wanted to do so I started to clean up my act. I started to change for her because I wanted to not because she made me but because she made me realize that my life was bigger than the streets and the drugs. Then she got pregnant. I was scared and she was scared. My biggest fear was that I would never be able to give my daughter the life she deserves. I was scared that she would grow up like me in the bad parts of town, living on the streets and turning to drugs to kill her pain. I was scared that she would never get the opportunities she deserves. I wanted to make money to give her a life but I just wasn't getting hired anywhere. I couldn't wait around to get hired so I turned back to the drug business and started to sell the drugs out on the street. I was making bank on every type of drug, my baby was getting things and my girl was getting things. I was putting food on the table. I was getting the bills paid but then I screwed up again. I made the choice to get drunk and get high to miss out on my girl's doctor's appointment one of the biggest ones of her pregnancy the day she found out we were having a little girl as well as there was a possible heart defect. She needed me there but I wasn't there because getting drunk and high was so much more important to me. I was getting lost in the drug life again. I told her she deserved better than me and I left her. I left my pregnant girlfriend to fall into the life of drinking and drug use again. I dropped out of school when I had a good chance to go to college and to go where I needed to go in life but I screwed it up when I turned back to drugs and alcohol. I don't know why I turned back but I realize now how stupid it was. The day I got arrested was the same day my girl found out our little girl had a hole in heart and I wasn't there. I didn't go to the doctor because selling drugs and doing drugs was a lot more important to me," I say shaking my head as tears fill my eyes. "I wasn't there and I should have been but making bank was more important. Feeling that high and numbing myself was more important than my daughter and I was selfish. I lost a great girl because of my choice to fall back into that life. I lost her she still cares about me and believes in me but I still screwed up by making the wrong choice. I was doing so well and I just fell back into a life I never wanted to live again. I'm still not sure what it is but there aren't any excuses for it anymore. I made the wrong choice and now I am missing out on so much of my daughter's life from her birth till she's about 3 months old because I made a stupid choice. I regret it every day and if I could go back to change everything that happened I would. I just want to be home with my little family and be there for them. It's tough but I'm here because I know I need help. I don't want to fall back into that life again and I am scared that I could. And right now I realize none of that was worth what I lost because of it."
"Very good, Dean, you realize that there is something wrong and you want to fix it. That's the first step in changing your life. I think that you will. And you understand it wasn't your circumstance that got you there it was your choice. You're not making excuses and that's a good thing. You are owning up to your choices and you want to make yourself better."
"I do want to be better and I do want to get past this life. I want to be able to be in my daughter's life, be a good father and to get my girl back. I love her so much and the only way I can do that is if I get my shit together in here."
"I will work with you privately if you want me to," she says.
"I want you to. I want to become a better person," I say. "I just want to move passed the drugs and alcohol."
"I can help you with that," she says.
"Thank-you," I say before I make my way back to the seat as we continue on with our meeting as we talk more about the effect our choices have on our lives. I know all about the effect choices have on our lives because I lost some important things in my life because I made the wrong choice. I can either sit here and blame something or someone else for my poor choices or I can sit here and own up to the choices I made and learn how to make better choices. I am choosing to own up to my bad choices, fix them and become the person Ana believes in.
A COUPLE WEEKS LATER:
"Ambrose," says one of the guards as I am sitting in my room writing Ana a letter. "Let's go."
"What's wrong?" I ask as I look up at him forgetting that today is Sunday.
"You have visitors," he says.
"Visitors?" I ask with a smile as I put the tablet down, "I have visitors?"
"Yes, Ambrose," he says. "Come on," he says.
I jump out of my bed and follow him down the hall and follow him to the visitor room. A smile comes across my face as I walk in to see Ana sitting at a table holding Natalia in her arms with her car seat sitting beside the table with a pink blanket inside. "Ana," I say with a smile as I make my way over to my two favorite girls.
"Dean," she says standing up with a smile and our little girl in her arms. She's even more beautiful in person. "Someone wanted to meet their daddy."
"Good because some daddy wanted to meet their little girl," I say with a smile as I look at our sleeping baby in her arms wearing a white short sleeved bodysuit with a black heart with white polka dots that says My Heart Belongs To Daddy and a pair of black pants with white polka dots on it with a matching black headband with a big flower on it. My breath is taken away instantly as I see her sleeping peacefully with her little arms folded up and her little legs stretched out. "She's beautiful," I say with tears in my eyes.
"Do you want to hold her?" she asks with a smile.
"Can I?" I ask.
"She's your baby, Dean, of course you can hold her," she says with a smile. "Here," she says, "put your arms out and make sure you support her head."
"Okay," I say nervously as I put my arms out for her to place her into my arms. She smiles up at me with her dark brown eyes meeting my blue eyes as she places her into my arms.
"Daddy, meet your little princess," she says with a smile.
I smile back at her before I look down at the sleeping baby in my arms. She makes a small sudden movement and her grey/blue eyes pop open and look up at me. My eyes blur over with tears as she's looking up at me. "Hey, Princess," I say as my voice cracks. "I'm your daddy. I'm so glad I can finally meet you and hold you in my arms," I say. I never knew what love at first sight felt like until this moment. I love her instantly. She becomes everything to me in that moment. I lean down and kiss the top of her head softly as I take in her baby scent. She smells of lavender body wash and her skin is so soft as I take my finger over her arm. She's so tiny. She's perfect. "She's so beautiful," I say as my heart melts.
"She looks like her daddy what can I say?" asks Ana with a smile. "I miss you, Dean."
"I miss you too," I say with a smile before I kiss her lips softly before our guard reminds us that isn't okay. We take a seat at the table and I keep Natalia in my arms. "So how is it going?"
"It's going okay. She likes to keep me up at night but I love being her mommy. She eats a lot but she's not really gaining weight so that's one of the signs she may need surgery."
"Oh," I say, "And the doctor didn't give any other options?"
"No it is pretty much open heart surgery. I find out in a couple weeks whether or not we're going for the surgery. I have been researching it and so many parents have said that while it was the hardest decision to ever make it is one of the best they could do for their child. I'm scared but if it's what she needs then I'm going through with it."
"I agree," I say as I look down at Natalia as she goes back to sleep in my arms making me smile. She even sleeps the way I do. "We have to do what we have to do. If that's what you feel we need to do then that's what we'll do."
"Okay," she says, "I have some more pictures of her that I want to send to you. I couldn't bring them in today but I have more pictures that I will send out this week."
"I look forward to it. My whole room is filled with pictures of Natalia. I love looking at her. I can't wait till I get out of here so that I can be home with you two."
"We can't wait either. How's it going in here?"
"It's okay," I say with a shrug. "I finally opened up a couple weeks ago about what was going on. I need you to talk to my mom for me."
"You want me to talk to your mom?" she asks. "I thought you didn't want me to let her know that you're in here."
"I don't but my counselor is helping me out with my issues. She said one of the first things is forgiveness. I want to forgive my mom. I have some anger toward her, Ana. I let her tear me down for so long and let her tell me that I wasn't worth anything but I'm worth something. I am worth a lot. I am better than the streets. I was upset with her for the longest time but I need to forgive her and let her know that I'm not mad at her anymore."
"That's good," she says with a smile. "So you are getting help in here?"
"Yes," I say, "I just want to be a good dad when I get out and maybe you and I can do our thing again. I don't know. I want to be a family, Ana. My counselor is helping me make goals for myself and one of my goals is I think I'm going to finish school and maybe go to college. I'm not sure about college but I do want to finish high school. I still want to get into wrestling but I want my education to be first."
"Wow, Dean," she says with a smile. "I am so proud of you. If you can get out of here and prove to me that you are willing to change and be better then I will take you back but no matter what we're a family, Dean. You, Natalia and me are a family. I will always make sure she knows that and as long as you're clean and remain good you'll always be in her life."
"Thanks, Ana," I say with a smile. "I just feel like now that she's been born everything in life means so much more. I was thinking about myself all those months and now she's here and I am missing so much because I was selfish."
"You're not missing much, Dean. All you're missing is late night feedings, crying almost all night, diaper changes but hopefully you're out when you will get to see her reach different milestones. The big thing that you missed was her being born."
"And that was rough. None of my choices were with missing out on 3 months of her life. I'm sorry, Ana," I say. "I'm really sorry. I was dumb and I was selfish. I promise that I will be a better person and when I get out of here I am going to do the right thing. I am going to go to school, I'm going to work. I am going to be someone. I want to be someone that you and Natalia can be proud of."
"Dean," she says with a smile. "I believe in you. I will always believe in you. You made some bad choices but I don't love you any less. I'm happy that you're getting help and you're planning on turning your life around. I know you can do it because you want to do it. It's in your heart and if it's in your heart you're more passionate. And when you're passionate about something you work harder for it. Like I said before Natalia and I aren't going anywhere. We're always going to be here waiting and believing in you," she says with a smile. "I love you, Dean."
"I love you too," I say with a smile, "and Natalia, I promise I am going to be a great father to you and give you everything that I can give you. I am sorry I can't be home with you right now but I think about you every day. I'll be home with you soon but after that I will never be absent from your life. I will always be there."
*A/N: What did you think of Dean finally opening up about why he is in there? Do you think he is becoming a stronger person by admitting that it was his choices and not his circumstances that got him there? Are you glad he's getting the help that he needs to make himself someone better? What did you think when Dean met his baby girl for the first time? What do you think will happen between Dean and Ana now? Please review and thank-you for reading.