*Thank-you for the reviews on the last chapter. They were greatly appreciated. Thank-you all so much!*
"Natalia," I say as I get up from doing some studying for one of my college classes that I have a test for in a couple days and trying to get caught up on all the school work I have missed doing because of being preoccupied with Natalia. I am pretty far behind on everything but luckily my teacher at my cyber school and my professors at college are giving me a grace period to get everything together but I'm not sure I can really do it anymore. It's already too hard for me. I walk over to Natalia in her bouncer as she's screaming and crying. I pick her up and hold her in my arms. "What's the matter?" I ask her as I kiss her forehead as she continues to cry. "You're changed, you're fed you should be sleeping, Baby Girl. Mommy has to do some studying and school work." She continues to cry as I comfort her in my arms. I don't know what's wrong with her and it frustrates me because I have done everything I can possibly do for her. I changed her and she's dry as I check her again. I fed her not too long ago but I try to give her some formula but she doesn't want it. She's just fussy and I can't make her stop crying. "Natalia, please what is the matter?" I ask again as she keeps crying as I sit back down at the computer to do some studying as she cries in my arms. I pat her back as I lay her on her stomach on my lap in case she has gas but she's not having any of it. "Please, Natalia, please," I say on the verge of tears. There's nothing harder for me than having my baby crying and I not be able to do anything about it.
This is how it has been the last couple weeks with her. She's gotten really fussy lately. The doctor believed it was the formula because she was throwing up so much with it that he suggested I use a formula for a sensitive tummy. This is my new life all night every night. I can't even do my school work during the day when she's sleeping because I am sleeping with her because she was up all night. She continues to cry as I am trying to read about the Revolutionary War. "Oh my Gosh," I say with frustration. I turn off the computer, pick Natalia up and grab her pacifier from the stand. I try to give it to her but she spits it out anyway. "Come on, Natalia," I say with tears in my eyes. "I can't do this. Please let mommy get some studying done. Please, Natalia," I say as I lose it and start crying with her from the frustration of not being able to stop my daughter from crying. I miss Dean and I wish he would be here to help me out. Being a mom is a lot harder than I ever expected it to be. I cry with her feeling powerless, exhausted and stressed. I hold her in my arms and try to get her to take her pacifier. When she finally holds it in her mouth and sucks on it calming her down. I lay down on the couch, with her on my chest hoping she'll fall asleep that way. I look over on the coffee table and pick up the Great Gatsby Book with a smile. "How about I read you some of the Great Gatsby," I say with a smile. "If it wasn't for this book your daddy and I never would have gotten together and we would have never made you. Even though you drive me crazy when you cry I love you more than anything in this world and I wouldn't change the fact that I have you for anything. I know Daddy can't be here right now. I miss him too. I miss him a lot but hopefully soon he'll be home. I need him to be home just as much as you do," I say. "Your daddy made a few mistakes in his life so have I but the most perfect thing we have done is made you. You're everything to us, Natalia and you always will be but please let mommy get some sleep and get some school work finished," I say with a smile as I rub her back as she lays on my chest. There's nothing more perfect than this. I kiss the top of her strawberry blonde hair and run my hand over her hair before I start to read some of the Great Gatsby to her and within minutes she is sound asleep on my chest. I don't even have the energy to move her so I lay the book down on the coffee table and fall asleep with her on my chest.
The next morning I wake up realizing that Natalia never woke up again after she fell asleep on my chest. Panic sets in as I suddenly check her to make sure she's okay. A breath of relief escapes my lips as I feel her tiny breaths on my hand as I hold it in front of her nose, her pacifier out of her mouth and she's peacefully in dreamland. I gently sit up trying not to wake her and put her into the pack and play in the living room so that I can get some school work and studying done before she wakes up to eat and before we go to visit Dean's mom. I am not looking forward to seeing her at all but Dean asked me to go to her and talk to her so I will just for him. I just hope I don't see Mack. The last time I saw Ellis and Mack things were not good; Mack raped me but Ellis tried to say I was lying and that I came onto him which was far from the truth.
I manage to get in an hour's worth of school work before Natalia is up and ready to start her day so I feed her a bottle, give her a quick bath and get her dressed for the day. I'm nervous about taking her to Ellis' house but I guess she deserves to meet her granddaughter. I get myself dressed and then we are on our way to Dean's old neighborhood. I take a deep breath as I park the car a couple houses down. I'm not sure I am ready to face her or Mack again. I get Natalia's car seat out of the car and grab her diaper bag. I smile as she looks at me with her grey-blue eyes that are starting to take the color of her dad's more and more every day. "Good morning, Beautiful," I say with a smile. "Are you ready to meet your Grandma?" I ask her as she gives me a smile as I talk to her and it melts my heart. She looks so much like her dad it is amazing. I fix her flower headband and walk down to Ellis' house. I take a deep breath as I knock on the door and wait for her to answer.
She answers the door a few minutes later and she does not look pleased to see me. "Ana," she says, "what are you doing here?"
"I came to talk to you and I thought maybe you would like to see your first granddaughter."
"You have nothing you need to talk to me about. You took my son away from me isn't that enough?"
"I didn't take your son away from you," I say, "your son and I aren't in a relationship anymore."
"Then why are you here?"
"Because even though we aren't in a relationship we're still really good friends and working together to be parents to our baby girl."
"What do you want to talk about?" she asks as she looks down at Natalia.
"Can I come in to talk to you? I don't think talking to you on your porch is a good idea plus the fall air is getting into Natalia's lungs and it's too cold for her."
She lets out a breath as if she's agitated with me being there and finally says, "come in." She allows me to walk into her house and shuts the door behind me. She leads me to the living room and offers me a seat on the couch. I sit down on the couch and get Natalia out of her car seat. "Can I hold her?" she asks.
"Sure," I say with a smile as I hand her to her. "This is Natalia," I say with a proud smile.
"I love that name. It's a beautiful name," she says with a smile as she holds Natalia in her arms. "God, she looks like her dad."
"I know," I say with a smile. "Just like him. She's his twin."
"She's beautiful," she says with a smile. "When did you have her?"
"October 1," I say.
"So she's only a month old. She's tiny."
"Yeah," I say. "She's very tiny."
"So how is it being a parent? Are you and Dean living together?"
"It's tough. It's a lot tougher than I thought it would be but I'm getting the hang of it and right now Dean and I aren't exactly living together."
"Okay," she says. "So what's going on then?"
"He will be living with us again but right now he can't."
"Okay," she says. "So what's going on?"
"Well, A few months ago Dean fell back into his old life and started to drink, do drugs as well as sell them again. He walked out on me and I didn't see him for a while but then I got the phone call he was arrested. I got him out on bail but then he went to court and now he is serving 5 months in Juvenile Detention. He is going to get out soon."
"So he got arrested for doing drugs?"
"For selling drugs, he had a lot on him when he got caught. He should be getting out in a few weeks I hope but I am proud of him."
"For getting arrested and going to jail. You're proud of him for that? I thought he was on the right track. I thought he was going to get away from the streets?"
"He fell back into it but I'm proud of him because he is getting the help that he needs. He is getting help for his drug addiction and his drinking problem. He's going to school in there and planning to go to college. He's ready to get out and be a dad. He has a job waiting for him when he gets out."
"That's good," she says, "I'm glad he's getting help."
"Me too and I hope this helps but he wanted me to come talk to you to let you know what's going on. A counselor is working with him in there and he wants you to come visit him so that he can talk to you."
"Why would he want to talk to me?" she asks.
"I don't know but will you go visit him to talk to him?"
"I don't know if I can," she says.
"Ellis, it would mean a lot to him. He has things he needs to say to you and talk to you about. I think you should go talk to him and visit him."
"He is right where I always told him he would be."
"And that is why he wants to talk to you. Please go visit him."
"When?"
"Natalia and I go every Sunday to visit him so you can come with us one Sunday and I'll give you two the time that you need to talk to each other."
"All right," she says. "I'll go with you."
"Thank-you, that will mean so much to him. He's not a bad kid. He's really trying hard to be a better person. I feel that Natalia is the one pushing him to be better and want to do better. I'm proud of the progress he's making. You should be proud of him too."
"I am glad he's getting the help he needs but Ana this is his life. This is how he was raised. He's a product of the streets."
"But he doesn't always have to be on the streets. He's 17 years old. He has a lot of life ahead of him. It's not too hard for him to turn his life around and be the person he wants to be whether it is some successful graphic designer or a wrestler. He can be a great father and be a great husband to someone someday, hopefully to me but we will see how life goes. Have a little faith in him. I have all the faith in him that I can. He's messed up, we all mess up but he realizes what he did and he's going to be a better person and if it's not for himself it's for Natalia. He is great with her. He loves her so much and he is very proud of her. I think he is going to be something and someone one day because of her. Becoming a dad has changed his life."
"But look how he was raised."
"And that is his circumstance and he knows it's not his circumstances that made him the way he is but his choices. He owns up to his bad choices and he's ready to change. Stop acting like he will never change."
"You're so naïve," she says. "You just have no idea."
"I do have an idea. I know Dean, I know what's in his heart and I know the person he wants to be. I see the sincerity in his eyes. I believe in him. I will never stop believing in him. I don't care if he has to screw up 5 more times. I believe that he will be a better person and make something more of himself than some person off the streets for his daughter. He loves her and he would do anything for her. Just have a little faith in him."
"Fine," she says. "Whatever we'll see."
"Yes we will," I say, "I think maybe Natalia and I should go."
"I can't spend any more time with my granddaughter?"
"You can spend time with her as long as I am around as much as you want. I just feel that right now we should go. We're not going to agree on Dean. You want him to live the life you have chosen to live while I know he's better than that."
"So now you're saying you're better than me? Is it because you have money?"
"Look around, Ellis, I don't have a job, I have a daughter and I don't live with my dad. I have the money that is in my account and that's it. I don't think I am better than anyone. I just believe that Dean is better than the life you're trying to make him live. He has a daughter now. He doesn't want to be like you and he doesn't want to be like his dad. He wants to be his own person and he wants the life he's dreamed of having. And as long as he believes in himself," I say as I take Natalia from her, "he is going to have that life. Don't fill his head with the idea that he is nothing more than a drug addict or a drug trafficker and he can't be more than that. Don't fill his head with that nonsense. One day, Ellis," I say putting Natalia into her car seat. "He is going to be somebody and he is going to be above all of this shit he has dealt with and maybe by that time he will forgive you for feeding him with the ideas that he is nothing more than what you want him to be."
"Get out, Ana and tell Dean that I am not going to see him and he can stay out of my life. And you too, don't come back here again."
"I won't," I say, "but remember this, Ellis, Dean is a great kid no matter what you want to believe and the day he becomes a wrestler or whatever else he wants to be you're going to kick yourself for this. Goodbye, Ellis," I say as I grab Natalia and head out the door. Personally, I don't think Dean needs that type of negative influence in his life. He has a good thing going for him and the last thing he needs is for her to get inside his head. He's heading down the right track right now and that's where I want him to be.
DEAN's POINT OF VIEW:
"All right, Dean," says my counselor Shawna. "I hear that you have a release date."
"December 2," I say with a smile. "I'll be home just in time to spend Christmas with my daughter and her mother."
"That's great," she says with a smile. "You only have a month to go and then you're out of here. I bet it feels great doesn't it?"
"It feels fantastic," I say with a smile. "I'm ready to go home and be with my two favorite girls."
"And what about your mom? How do you feel about her?"
"Well, I would like to forgive her for allowing her to feed me with the idea that I am nothing more than a street kid but for my daughter's sake and mine I believe it's best that after that we just cut ties. I love my mom and I always will but she is such a negative influence on me that I don't need that in my life."
"That's a good choice. And what about Ana? Where do you see that relationship going?"
"I love Ana, I love her with all my heart. She is the mother of my child. She's the first girl that ever loved me and the first girl I ever loved. Ana sees so much potential in me and all she's ever done is believed in me and pushed me to be someone better. She made me realize that there is more to life than the drugs and the drinking. I would do anything for her and I will prove that to her. I want to be with her. I love her. I want to be with her the rest of my life. I want to marry her someday and have more babies with her but one step at a time. I just want to get her back."
"Okay," she says with a smile. "And what about Natalia?"
"Natalia is my saving grace. She is why I am working so hard to be better. I don't want to be like my mother or my father. I want to break the cycle. I want to be in her life every day, watch her grow up and let her achieve her dreams. I want to give her the life she truly deserves no matter how hard I have to work. She is my life. I just want to be the best dad that I can be."
"Good," she says with a smile. "Dean, I am proud of you. You're doing so well. I know you're going to do this. I think it would be best after you get out that you keep going to drug meetings and alcohol meetings for a while just to stay away from them."
"I plan to stay away from the drugs and the drinking."
"That's good," she says, "so what would you say your goals are when you get out?"
"My first goal is to get my GED. I can't go to school every day cause I need to work but I want to get my GED and go to college down the road. My second goal is to take Ana's dad up on his offer for a job. I would love to find a wrestling school to train at to start my dream of being a professional wrestler but right now the GED and the job are what I am worried about. I want to be a good dad. I want to show my daughter that I am there for her and I always will be there for her. My other goal is to prove to Ana that I am a good person and that I am changing. I want to stay drug free so I will keep going to the meetings. No drug is worth losing my daughter over. From here on out I just want to be the person Ana always told me I am capable of being."
"Very good," she says with a smile. "Dean, you're a great young man. I know you have it in you. I can already see you changing and that's what I like to see. I do like the idea that you want to keep the negative out of your life. That's what you need to do. Anyone that will bring you down you don't need what you need is someone that will remain a positive influence in your life and push you to your goals. I know you believe in yourself and I can see that you want it. I'm proud of you."
"Thank-you," I say with a smile.
"When you get out of here, Dean, just keep your head straight and keep walking down the path you want to be on. Don't let anyone and I mean no one tell you that you can't do something. Only you can move the mountains you want to move but the only way you can do that is by faith. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't because Dean, you know that you can." She makes me smile and for once in my life it all makes sense. I have a daughter to live for and to provide for. I have dreams and goals that I want to achieve and I have the greatest woman in my corner pushing and believing in me to move those mountains and I love her more than anything. She is the mother of my daughter and the love of my life. NO one has ever believed in me the way Ana believes in me so I will move those mountains because of her and Natalia after all they are the only two I am living for and their opinions are the only ones that matter to me.
*A/N: Do you think Ana is getting overwhelmed being a single mother? Do you think this could change her mind about school? What did you think of Ana going to see Dean's mom? What did you think of Ellis telling her that Dean will never be more than the streets? And what do you think about Ellis kicking them out of her life? What did you think about Dean's meeting with his counselor? Do you think it's best he cuts ties with his mom? What do you think about him getting out just in time for Christmas? Do you believe that Natalia and Ana will keep Dean on the right path? What are your thoughts on him living only for Natalia and Ana? Please review and thank-you for reading.