*Thank-you for the reviews on the last chapter. They were greatly appreciated. Thank-you all so much*
The pain of losing my mom gets worse as each day passes. My mom may not have been the number 1 mom but for 15 years of my life she was the only one I had. It was my mom and I since the day my dad left. Her family was never involved after I was born and she barely had any friends maybe 3 or 4 close friends but she was pretty much a loner. My mom suffered from depression, drug addiction and alcohol addiction. She lived a tough life. She was pregnant in 10th grade, dropped out of school ready to marry my dad. Her family disowned her when she didn't put me up for adoption or have an abortion. They told her she was too young to be a mom and she wasn't ready to be a mom. Whether she was ready or too young or not she did the best that she could with what she had. She had dreams too like any 10th grader would. She wanted to go to college, she wanted to have a job in the world of education. She wanted to be a teacher but when she got pregnant with me she didn't want to give me up or get rid of me. She wanted to be a mom. She wanted to have a child. I'm grateful that she did but her parents not so much. They kicked her out and she did what she needed to do.
For the first 3 years of my life my mom had my dad to help her. I imagine that life with a baby at 15 wasn't easy. It's not even easy at 18 but she loved me. The stress of having a baby got to her and she dropped out of school. She couldn't pay for child care and I was a very demanding baby. My dad never dropped out of school, he kept going. He made promises to my mom that he was going to take care of us. He told her he would always be there. My mom believed him and had hope of a future with him till the day he left us alone. I never saw someone go through so much pain as I did when I watched my mom the days following my dad leaving. She couldn't deal with it. She was hurting and the only way she could heal that hurt was to drink and to do drugs to numb the pain. I think I spent more time with my mom while she was high and drunk than I did when she was sober. She wasn't always high and she wasn't always drunk she had her moments when she was clean and sober those were my favorite times with her. She would spend so much time with me taking me to the park and one time when I was 8 years old she took me fishing. I wish I could remember the happier times instead of the hurtful times when she left me alone for days, when we didn't have anything to eat and the only thing I had was government cheese, watching her sleep with man after man just to put food on the table or her selling drugs just to put food on the table and to pay the bills. I wish she lived her life better but she was so depressed she didn't think she deserved a better life. She was alone in the world with a little boy that had problems of his own. She did what she could to take care of me. I know it wasn't easy but she did her best and I am thankful for that.
Ana, Natalia and I sit in the front pew of the church holding my mom's funeral. It took the hospital a couple weeks to release her body due to her dying from homicide they needed to get proof of the injuries she sustained even though Mack is pleading guilty to the charges. As I expect not many people show up for her funeral. She was a loner. She didn't have much friends except for those that bought drugs from her or the ones she sold drugs for. Her family doesn't even show up. I was the only true person she had in her life. A couple neighbors show up but that only leaves about 8 people total for the funeral. I'm not a religious person by far and I don't know where my mom went or where her soul lies but what I do know is she's at peace. The minister begins the funeral talking about how there is a time for everything for things to happen. He goes on to talk about my mom the best that he can but he doesn't know her. Tears fill my eyes as he talks about her, telling the few of us in the church how good of a mom she was and how wonderful of a person she was, how her life was cut short. He talks about it being time for mourning but in time we'll rejoice because she is in a better place not feeling any hurt or any pain. I am happy about that. She will never be hurt again. The pain she felt on Earth is gone never to be felt again. Ana comforts me as I cry. She has been great for me. She's been by my side the entire time and hasn't gone far. She's good to me. She and Natalia are the only two things I have left on this Earth. They are the only two people I have left in my life. They mean the world to me.
My mom has a beautiful service one I'm sure she would have loved. It was sad but yet happy at the same time. She's at peace now and she's pain free. She never has to be scared again. I can't imagine the last few hours of her life when Mack attacked her and assaulted her. I can't imagine how scared she was, how much pain she was in but now all of that is gone. I'm not remembering the bad times with my mom but choosing to remember the good times with her. The times she made me smile, the times she made me laugh. She was a beautiful woman and deep down she had a beautiful heart and a beautiful soul. She was often misunderstood and everyone saw her for the drug addict and alcoholic but I saw her as my mom. The woman that gave me life, the woman that chose to keep me even though it wasn't the best life she still gave me life. Because of my mom I have learned life lessons that I'll never forget, I have learned to live my life better, to achieve my dreams and reach my goals. If my mom ever wanted anything out of this life it was to see me succeed and get off the streets.
We arrive at the cemetery shortly after the service. Ana, Natalia and I are the only ones that go to the cemetery to lay my mom to rest. They place her coffin into the ground and I let out a sob. Ana immediately comforts me as the minister speaks. I'm so torn up that I can't understand what he's saying or I'm not even listening to him. I watch as they lower her coffin into the grave and we toss dirt onto the coffin before tossing yellow and white roses in with it. My mom loved her white and yellow roses. They were her favorites. The minister says a prayer and we stand to watch for a few minutes as they start to bury the coffin deeper into the ground. She's resting now. She's at peace and this is not goodbye but a see you later because I know one day I will see her again. The roughest day of my life was pulling the plug but the hardest part was saying goodbye too soon. I wish she had more life, a chance to see my success, to see Talli grow up but life throws us curve balls and the things we want we never get.
TWO DAYS LATER:
"How are you doing?" asks Ana as she sits down next to me as I am sitting on the pier by the lake.
"I'm okay," I say as I toss a rock into the lake and watch it bounce across the water. "My mom brought me here once," I say as I wrap my arm around her shoulders.
"Really?" she asks.
"Yeah, I was 8 years old. It was the only vacation we ever took together. It was one of her good times," I say overlooking the lake. "We went fishing. It was my first time. I don't think my mom really knew what she was doing but she pretended to know just to make the trip fun for me. I enjoyed it. I didn't catch any fish or anything but I got to spend time with my mom. It was one of the happier times," I say as she rests her head on my chest. "Where is Talli?"
"My dad has her in the lake house. She was sleeping and he said he'd watch her," she says, "it's beautiful out here."
"Yeah," I say, "and peaceful. It gives me time to think and clear my head. I miss her, Ana. I know that toward the end we weren't that close but I miss her and I loved her so much. It's not fair how she died."
"I know, baby," she says, "it wasn't fair. She didn't deserve to go that way."
"Why does God let bad things like this happen to people? My mom was 33 years old she was too young to die, Ana. She had so much life left and now it's gone because of Mack. I should have been there. If I was there she would still be here. She needed me," I say painfully as tears fill my eyes. "She needed me and I wasn't there. I was ALWAYS there for her ever since I was 3. I was all that she had. I was the only person that loved her. I was it for her. I was the only one she had in the world. I should have been there to protect her. It's my fault cause I wasn't there."
"Dean, it's not your fault. It isn't your fault. You can't blame yourself for this. You didn't know Mack was going to attack her the way he did. You didn't know that Mack was going to do what he did. You were at home with your family and being a daddy to your little girl. I know you wish you were there to protect your mom but you can't blame yourself for this."
"I know but I just feel like I should have been there. I didn't want to talk to her Ana. I didn't want her in my life but then all this happened. I feel horrible. All she ever did was love me and try to give me the best that she could."
"I know, Baby," she says as she wraps her arm around my waist. "I know it's hard for you. I know it's really hard."
"You know she wasn't the best mom but she tried, Ana. She really tried with what she had. She was 15 years old when she had me, 18 when my dad left us and she had dropped out of school to be a mom. Maybe she should have had the abortion or put me up for adoption and then maybe her life wouldn't have been so shitty."
"Dean," she says, "don't say stuff like that. If she did have an abortion you wouldn't be here right now and who's to say that your mom wouldn't have had the same life that she had regardless you never know. If you weren't here, I wouldn't have anyone to love and I wouldn't have Natalia. You wouldn't have the opportunity to be a good daddy. You're here because God wanted you to be here. You have a reason to be here. If you weren't meant to be here you wouldn't be. God had you put on this Earth for a reason."
"There is no God, Ana, I hate to break it to you but God isn't real."
"He is real," she says, "you are just having trouble finding him but he's right next to you. He always is. I know you're dealing with a lot and that you're hurting but denying him isn't going to help you."
"What proof is there, Ana? Tell me," I say. "If he was real my life wouldn't have been a shit storm and my mom would still be here. If he was real bad things wouldn't happen, Ana."
"He is real because bad things happen," she says, "it's hard to explain. We're in a world where bad things happen to people every day. They have trials, everyone has trials whether you are right or wrong. God promises good things once we are off this Earth. We have to deal with pain to get the goodness. I know it's hard to lose your mom, Dean, I know that you loved her but she had a purpose in this world and that was to give birth to one of the greatest men that I know. Her purpose was to bring you into this world and raise you which she did. I can't say why he chose to take her but maybe he needed her more than you did or maybe he wanted to get her away from the pain she has felt in the last few years. I can't explain why but there is a reason for anything. It's not for us to try to figure out but just be happy that she is in a better place right now and she's not in any pain. She loved you, Dean and she wouldn't want to see you tear yourself up like this. I don't want to see you tear yourself up like this. You have a daughter that needs you and loves you to death. You have a girlfriend that needs you and loves you just as much. You're here because we need you just like you need us. I'm sorry about your mom, Dean but don't wish bad things on yourself or say you shouldn't have a life. You're going to be successful and you know what your mom is going to be proud of you because you broke the cycle. She's going to smile and be so happy for her baby boy that he proved everyone wrong. She loves you, Dean, she has always loved you and she wouldn't want to see you in this much pain. I don't like to see you hurting. Talk about good stuff, Dean, who was Ellis Grayson? Why did you love her so much?"
"Ana, that's my mom. Ellis was my mom. She may not have been the best mom but she tried her best. I mean she didn't have much of an education, she quit school to be a mom. She gave up her dreams so that she could raise me and be my mom. When my dad left she could have gotten rid of me. She could have put me up for adoption or anything but she didn't. She stayed being my mom it was about us. I was all that she had and she was all that I had. I am sure being my mom wasn't easy. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was a little boy. I couldn't concentrate in school, I was bouncing off the walls. I was just off the wall crazy. She did what she needed to do. She tried to help me. She tried to get me the best doctors and tried to help me in school but it wasn't just the ADHD. I was dyslexic too. I couldn't read until I was 14 years old, Ana. I still have trouble reading and need a tape to read to me. That's why when we did the Great Gatsby project I was so hesitant to read because I barely can. The words and the letters get jumbled up in my head. My mom was in over her head with me. She could have given up but she didn't. Everyone sees her as this druggie, alcoholic and tramp and the sad thing is everyone is going to remember her like that. My mom had problems, Ana. She had a lot of problems. Her self-esteem was so low she felt she deserved to be raped and beat around. That's how she lived. It's sad but that's what she thought she was worth. She often felt like she was a bad mom but she wasn't that terrible. She did her best and that's all I asked for. Like I said it wasn't easy to have a son with ADHD and a son that couldn't read. Not to mention teachers that didn't give a crap about him and just passed him through school so that they didn't have to deal with him again. I loved my mom, Ana."
"I know, Baby," she says as she rubs my cheek with her hand. I catch her hand with mine and bring it to my mouth and kiss it softly. "I know being a young mom isn't easy and I know your mom did her best. She loved you a lot. You were her world, Dean and she would be very proud of who you are and who you're becoming. You're going to make her proud. I never knew you were dyslexic."
"It's not something I tell people," I say as I play with her hair, braiding it in the ponytail. "I used to do my mom's hair. It was one of my favorite things to do with her. I was doing her hair since I was 8 years old. She would get high or drunk then as she was sobering up she would take a shower then sit and let me play with her blonde hair. I did it for hours. We would talk and we would laugh. Her sober times were the best times. I saw so much in my life a lot more than I should have seen but I never stopped loving her, Ana. She was all that I had in my life. I don't have family. You and Natalia are it now for me. You two are my family."
"You have a dad, Dean, a dad that wants to have a relationship with you and wants to get to know you. He's not a bad guy, Dean. He's actually pretty decent and I think you would like him if you just gave him a chance."
"He doesn't deserve a chance, Ana. He had 15 years to take his chance to meet me and be in my life but he didn't. That tells me he never wanted anything to do with me. That man wasn't there for me when I was struggling in school, he wasn't helping me learn how to read like my mom was. He never did a damn thing for me. My mom did it all. He was never there for me. He threw a couple bucks in a Christmas card or a birthday card. Big deal, that was nothing. That's not a father, Ana. A father is someone that loves their child unconditionally, spends time with them, does everything they can to provide for them. That's a father. You can't buy a child's love. Being a father is much more than throwing some bucks in a card it's about being there, wanting to know them, wanting to spend time with them. I'm going to be the best father to Natalia and no thanks to that asshole. I want to be the dad that goes to all the games she plays in, the dance recitals she dances in or whatever she chooses to do with her life. I want to be the dad that sits down and does homework with her, reads her bedtime stories every night. I want to be the dad that shows her what kind of man she should marry when she gets old. I want her to see me as more than a dollar sign. I want her to know that I am there for her whenever and wherever. She's my life, Ana. I will give her this whole damn world one day but the most important thing I'm going to give her is my time and my love. I had two parents that didn't want to spend time with me. It was great when my mom did but when she didn't it sucked. I don't want to be that parent. I want Talli to know my time is hers. When she wants to play I am dropping everything I'm doing to play with her or to read to her or whatever she wants me to do. I love her, Ana we did a good job."
"We did," she says with a smile as I finish the braid in her hair. "And you know what," she says turning to face me. "She loves you to death. You are her everything right now. You will always be her everything. You're an amazing dad, Dean. You should be proud of yourself. This is why I love you," she says as she touches my heart. I place my hand over hers. "Your heart is amazing. Everyone saw you as something you weren't but I saw you as the person you are, the most caring, genuine and sweetest person I have ever met. I know it's hard to let people in but I'm glad I was one of the few people you allowed in. I love you so much, Baby."
"I love you too," I say with a smile before I kiss her lips softly. "Ana," I say.
"Yeah?"
"All I know is heartbreak in life. That's all I ever knew. I had people leaving me, neglecting me and people not caring about me then you came along and you showed me that there is good in life. That I can be happy and that I can be loved; truly loved, you showed me that I can be good, that I can achieve things and you believe in me. You gave me your heart and that is one of the greatest things you have given me. Please don't ever hurt me, don't leave me like everyone else has."
"Dean," she says with a smile, "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. You deserve good things in life, Dean. You deserve to be happy. You, me and Talli we're a family. We're going through it all together, every path we take, every journey we make and no matter where life takes us we're going to be there together because I'm not giving up on you and I know you're not going to give up on me. Whatever comes our way, Dean, fame, glory whatever we are in it together, we're a team."
"The word fame sounds so funny do you think I'm going to be famous someday or that we'll be famous someday?"
"I think so. You're going to be on the top of WWE, you're going to be the top superstar everyone is going to know your name. You're going to get there I know it."
"It's funny thinking about how I came from where I did on this path to fame."
"On a path where I am beside you the entire time, Natalia and I are going to travel with you on this journey. We're you're number 1 fans before you even get famous. One day you're going to go to Wrestlemania and you're going to stand on the grandest stage of them all, give it your all and you're going to headline the main event and you're going to win that championship belt and while you do it Talli and I are going to be front row cheering on our favorite superstar. We love you, Dean. Life is going to happen, good things and bad things but life is going to happen for us together. I'm here, I will always be here."
"And I'm always going to be your number 1 fan whatever you write whether it be a newspaper article, magazine article, TV show whatever I'm going to be here. I'm going to read your work religiously. I'm going to be your biggest fan and I am your biggest fan even before your fame. I don't' want money and fame to change us."
"I don't either," she says. "And it shouldn't because true love is greater than any amount of money or fame. You have no idea how much you mean to me and how much I love you."
"I have an idea," I say before I kiss her lips softly. "I'm glad my mom brought me into this world you know why?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because if she didn't, I wouldn't have all of this. I wouldn't have this life with you as crazy as it is I wouldn't have it. I have this life and I wouldn't' change it for the world."
"Me either," she says as she snuggles up to me once again as I hold her in my arms and we look out over the lake as the sun begins to set in the sky. There is nothing better than moments like this with the woman I love with my whole heart.
*A/N: What do you think of Ana's support for Dean? What do you think of Dean opening up more about his past with his ADHD and Dyslexia and his times with his mom? Do you think Ellis tried to be a good mom but just got caught up in the wrong things? Did Dean truly love his mom even though things weren't great toward the end? Is Ana right is true love greater than fame and money? Do you think if they become famous it will have an impact on their relationship? What do you think about Dean's thoughts of what a father is? Is he right? Is Natalia lucky to have him for a dad? Do you think Dean should give his dad a chance or is Dean right about his dad? Please review and thank-you for reading.