Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia.

A/n1: My, aren't you all curious little kittens! ^^ Last week, I've received quite some questions about how England's involved in all of this, and why Lovi and Toni have three kids instead of one. Well, I can't tell you that yet. It's all part of the plot, that's all I can say! Sorry for the vagueness! ^^;;;

A/n2: Antonio uses some old clothes to dress the kids up in this chapter (don't worry, they'll get them new clothes later on). He uses a dress of Lovi (for the girl) and some of his own old clothes (for the boys). The clothes Toni wore as a kid are all damaged and kind of filthy, covered with dirt and bloodstains – that's because I like to believe Antonio actually had a horrible childhood, with many bloody fights and wars. I think he probably has got a lot of mental scars from what he saw and did as a child. He's gotten over it now, though. ^^
However, Lovino doesn't exactly know where the dark stains are from, so he comes up with a rather… interesting explanation.

A/n3: A teacher of me once told me there's no worse ending to a story than the infamous words: '...and then he/she woke up'. It's like the easiest way out, he explained, and it's been used way too much. He told me that if I wanted to become a great writer, I should always, ALWAYS avoid an ending like that.
Why I'm telling you this? Oh, just read - you'll see.

~~ And Three Makes Five ~~

Chapter 5:

If the war still continues to last for a long time, perhaps the babies will also be employed. Total war!
Friedrich Kellner
(German justice inspector)

Of all the times a storm was brewing inside my head, this one brewing inside my head right now probably was the nastiest one I had ever had.

Apparently, Feliciano and Germany also had some kid-problems. And so did France. And many more countries. And England had got something to do with it. And he was going to explain during the meeting what the fuck the meaning was of all those little dipshits.

I've had better mornings, really. I've also had better hangovers.

When I finally put away my phone, still dazed and confused, Antonio returned. He saw me, sitting down on the floor, surrounded by demon children that were all three doing annoying things, like pulling wings of flies (Creepy Kid), bumping into the wall (Dumb Kid) and glaring at me (Moody Kid). He decided to just ignore the weirdness of it all and crouched down in front of me.

'Okay Lovi, so I called my boss, and guess what? He wasn't even surprised anymore. According to him, all of the European countries—'

'…have got kids all of a sudden. Yes, I know.' I swallowed. 'Feliciano called me when you were away. He told me. England seems to be behind this.'

'Ohh?' Antonio said, surprised. 'But that means that he has succeeded!'

'Succeeded in what – doing better than you during the Eurovision shit?'

'Well, he indeed didn't become last this year…' he made a sad face, '…but no, that's not what I meant. I meant kids. He wanted to create kids for him and America, one way or another. Right? I told you last night.'

'Hm-hm…' I muttered. I wondered when that damn girl stopped staring at me like that, dammit.

'Maybe…' Antonio began to whisper again, which was really unnecessary, '…maybe England's plans backfired, and now every country and its significant other have kids, except he and America!'

'You have thought this through, didn't you,' I dryly pointed out.

'But it makes sense, right?'

'It's stupid enough to make sense, yes,' I admitted, 'but maybe it's better to go to that damn meeting and hear from Mister Eyebrows himself what the hell is going on.'

'Okay,' Antonio said and stood up, pulling me up with him, 'then let's get me and the kids dressed up, shall we?'

…

I really didn't like that "oh-wow-we're-actually-parents-now"-ring his voice had.

So before Antonio could scoop the demon children up in his arms, I grabbed him and looked at him angrily.

'Listen, you! Just because England's done something unbelievable moronic, doesn't mean that… that those kids are ours! And if you think I'll recognize these… these things as our offspring, just like that, you're a brainless idiot!'

Antonio looked at me and for a moment, I saw disappointment and anger flashing through his eyes. He loved kids – and I know I pretty much pissed on his heart when I said such awful things about them.

But he had to wake up and smell the misery, dammit! He had to crawl out of his happy place and realize just how bad it would be if the kids really turned out to be ours!

I mean, what were we supposed to do with them? Educate them? Raise them? How?

'We're fucking countries,' I heard myself say to Antonio in a soft voice, as he shrugged my hands off him. 'Countries shouldn't have kids. They should just be… countries.'

'I don't want to be just a country.'

Antonio gave me this angry look again, and then he took the hands of Dumb Kid and Moody Kid.

'And I thought you also didn't want to be just country. That you wanted to be part of a family. Remember?'

He didn't wait for my reply, he and the two kids just walked away. All stealthy and shit.

Creepy Kid and I stayed behind for a few seconds, until I gave in to Antonio's silent demand and sighed, harshly taking Creepy Kid's hand and pulling him with me as I followed Antonio to our bedroom.

I sulked. Stupid Antonio. He didn't have to act all serious and grown-up about this, dammit…

\0o0/

Antonio's mood seemed to become increasingly better when the both of us were in the bedroom again, since he was all smiles and sunshine again when he sat the three kids on our bed. I leaned against a closet and watched him wearily.

'Right!' Antonio started, standing upright again. 'Now let's see what kind of clothes I have for you, okay?'

The kids just gaped at him, like I had expected them to do. Except for Moody Kid, who was now looking at a suspicious stain on the mattress.

'Antonio,' I slowly said, 'maybe you shouldn't put them on the bed.'

'Why not?' Antonio asked, frowning – but then it clicked, thankfully enough, and he became just as red as me.

'Is… is that...'

'Ohhh yes.'

'That's not good.'

'Nope.'

'Okay. You grab the sheets, I grab the kids.'

'Deal.'

Hastily, we swooped the kids off the mattress and pulled off the sheets and blankets and shit.

'W-well!' Antonio panted, looking very embarrassed as he put the kids back on the – now bare and therefore clean – mattress again. 'Let's do that over, okay? I'll go take a look inside the closet to see if I have something nice for you three to wear!'

'Are you saying that you have kept my stupid dresses?' I asked, folding my arms and furrowing my brows.

'Yes,' Antonio said as he opened the closet and went in – with his head, 'you see, I never stopped hoping I'd someday have kids as well, so… um, I kind of kept them. That way I didn't have to buy new clothes. You know I don't have much money on me, so... yeah, ahahaha…'

'Well, that's… well.' I huffed and scratched my cheek. 'That's kind of… endearing.'

'Thank you.' Antonio's head came out of the closet again and he gave me a smile. I was glad to see such a nice smile after all that nagging earlier, so I uncomfortably smiled back at him and wondered if it would be alright to ask for a quick kiss or something, since I could really use a quick kiss right now.

'H-hey,' I stammered, reaching out a hand to him, '…c-could you give me a ki—'

'Alright then, here's something I have for the cute little girl!~'

Antonio apparently hadn't heard me, so I quickly pulled back my hand as he showed Moody Kid one of the dresses I used to wear when I was younger. It was a green one, without an apron, but with a little white bow on the back. I never enjoyed wearing dresses, but I had to admit – that one wasn't too bad to wear.

Then again, Moody Kid was a girl, so she probably liked dresses a whole lot better than I did.

'Lovi, could you get her dressed?' Antonio all of a sudden asked, giving me the dress and nodding to the girl on the bed. 'Then I'll look for clothes for the boys.'

'Okay,' I grumbled obediently.

'And don't worry, you'll get your kiss later, sweetie.'

'W-what?' I said, wanting to look up at him – but he had disappeared into the closet again.

'M-moron…' I muttered softly, happily. Then I walked over to the bed and frowned at the girl.

'You,' I began thunderously, 'take off that stupid white dress thing.'

Moody Kid made a face that said "try me, punk".

Oh, it was on.

'Take it off now or I'll tear it off!' I pretty much snarled at her.

Behind me, Antonio clacked his tongue. 'Now, now! You sound like a rapist, Lovi!'

'But she should take it off, dammit, she can't wear two stupid dresses!' I defended myself.

'You should probably help her.'

'What?'

'You heard me,' Antonio said as he put some neatly folded pants and sweaters on the ground, 'you should help her.'

I felt fear engulfing me and I looked at the girl, terrified.

'But I'll see her partly naked!'

'So?'

'Isn't… isn't that… wrong?'

'What? No, of course not, silly!' Antonio laughed. 'Whether you like it or not, you're something of a father figure to her right now, Lovi – so you should man up and help the poor girl. She's probably four years old – she can't dress up by herself!'

The hot, Spanish man had a point.

I took a deep breath. 'Okay then…'

I grabbed the hem of the dress Moody Kid was wearing and gave her a look so dead serious, I might as well could have been dismantling a bomb.

'Put your arms up,' I said.

The girl pouted mischievously and folded her arms. Little shit.

'Nicer, Lovi…' Antonio annoyingly sang from inside the closet.

I bit my lower lip and fought off the desire to snap at him, then turned to the girl again.

'Please put your arms up.'

Moody Kid first blinked, then smirked.

Smirked.

'Why you little… Antonio!' I complained. 'She doesn't want to cooperate with me!'

'Think of something, sweetie – you're the creative one of the two of us,' Antonio's lame answer was.

'What does creativity has to do with this,' I growled, but started to think about it differently anyway.

Moody Kid still gave me the "suck it" look and didn't seem to want to work with me at all. But maybe, I could trick her.

And then, out of nothing, I started to cheer, waving my arms up and down.

'Hooray! Hooray!'

The girl – and the boys as well, by the way – stared at me like I had completely lost it, and my god, they were right, and was that Antonio muffling his laughing in the background, but no way I was going to give up now.

'Hooray! Hooray! Can you do that, too? Hooray!'

The girl frowned, but didn't move. The boys, however, became fascinated and slowly started to mimic me.

'Hoo'ay, hoo'ay!' Creepy Kid chanted.

'Hooooooay, hoooooooay!' Dumb Kid shrieked.

Their little arms were wooshing through the air like fucking propellers now.

BUT.

Moody Kid still refused. Man, she was one tough cookie.

Then I suddenly came up with an idea. I stopped moving my arms and gave the girl a condensing look.

'Heh, it's alright. If you're too stupid to move your arms like that, you don't have to.'

Moody Kid's eyes widened. She was obviously offended.

'No no, really,' I continued boorishly, 'it's not a big deal. Only kids just as amazing as me can pull off a stunt like that.'

Moody Kid didn't want to take this bullshit and puffed her cheeks, slowly loosening her arms.

'What, you think you can do it?' I smirked. 'Forget it, kid.'

'Hah!' she then suddenly said – and started flapping her arms like a goddamn bird. The minute her arms were held up high, I took that nightgown, I pulled it up like no-one's business, and flung it off!

Lovino: 1, Moody Kid: 0!

And as she was recovering and busy being positively stunned from the shock that was my speed and wonderfulness, I even managed to get her into the green dress, too! All in just two swift movements!

2-0 for Lovino the Badass Magnificent! Woot!

'In your face!' I grinned victoriously at Moody Kid.

Moody Kid was a bad loser, however, and within seconds, her face began to tremble and redden and before I knew it, she was doing her air-raid attack on me again.

'Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhha aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaahhhh!'

Oh GOD!

'Okay! Okay! I'm sorry! I'm sorry I tricked you into the dress!' I quickly said, pressing my hands against my ears. 'Please stop crying, oh my god, please stop bawling!'

But Moody Kid wanted her revenge, that horrible twerp, and just continued sharing her loud cries of agony and hatred. Her little face had become so red and swollen, I thought she was going to fucking splat.

'Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaahhhh!'

And then something even more awful happened: the boys were starting to snivel and sob as well!

'Whaaaa…'

'B-bwaaahaaaaa….'

NO.

NOOO.

Okay, that was too much for my nerves – so even before Creepy Kid and Dumb Kid could join Moody Kid in her quest of ruining my sanity, I took off. I fled out of the bedroom, leaving Antonio to their mercy.

…

I guess I could forget about that kiss now.

\0o0/

For at least fifteen minutes, my ears were tortured by the devastating crying of the demon children.

FIFTEEN. MOTHERFUCKING. MINUTES.

But finally, after those long, fifteen minutes, I could hear from the guestroom – where I had bravely hid myself – that the crying was slowly but surely stopping. Sounded like Antonio had succeeded in either soothing them or killing them off.

Now that the coast was clear, I came out of my hiding spot and went back to the bedroom. Of course, I didn't dare to just waltz in like nothing had happened, because Antonio would probably be mad at me. So I fidgeted in front of the door for a little while, and then I went inside. Carefully.

The first thing I saw was that the three kids indeed seemed to have calmed down: although they still had red faces, they didn't cry anymore – not even when they noticed me sneaking in again – and just sat there on the bed, Dumb Kid sucking on his right hand's ring finger and pinky, Creepy Kid yawning, Moody Kid shooting glares like daggers at me.

I was really making myself popular here.

Meanwhile, Antonio sat on his knees, still looking for clothes in the closet. There were little heaps of clothes and socks and shoes everywhere, but one small pile of clothes seemed to be children's clothes and therefore meant for one of the kids.

'So…' I stammered, shuffling closer to Antonio, '…s-so you managed to shut them up, huh?'

'I did,' Antonio said – and oh, that tone was cold.

'Good job,' I tried to compliment him.

'Wish I could say the same of your actions.' Antonio didn't even look at me.

Dammit, he really was mad at me. I twisted my lips worriedly. If I kept this behavior of me up, not only the kids, but also Antonio would think I'm a terrible person. I couldn't care too much about the kids' opinion, but Antonio was my husband – he should be proud of me as a person, not ashamed…

So in a somewhat sad attempt to apologize, I decided I'd continue dressing the kids.

'Okay,' I mumbled to Creepy Kid, unfolding a small, unfamiliar pair of pants with dark spots and stains that looked a lot like dirt that Antonio hadn't been able to wash out, 'this seems to be something a little cree—I mean, kid, like you would probably like.'

Creepy Kid, who had the most intense, sharp and therefore most scary eyes of all three of them, gave me a confused look.

'You see…' I hesitated – hoping Antonio would silently listen in and notice how much I was trying to score points here, '…um, there are… bloodstains on this pants.'

Creepy Kid was intrigued, I saw it. Dammit, his eyes really did look at lot like mine. Well, safe for the insane twinkle.

'The boy who wore this pants before they left it in our crappy closet, went to war. A… a dragon war,' I continued. 'He went to war to a country far, far away from here and saw a lot of scary and dangerous beasts. Hell, he even got hurt. You see that big, ugly stain here?'

Creepy Kid nodded enthusiastically. Moody Kid and Dumb Kid were listening to me as well, as I could hear them hold in their breath in anticipation.

'That stain,' I carried on, 'was caused by a very big and painful wound that brave little boy got, when a huuuuge dragon tried to eat him. He dodged the thing, fell on his knee really hard, and it started bleeding, but do you think that little boy cried?'

The kids and Antonio had all moved closer to me now, staring at me expectantly. Wait, Antonio?

I gave him a weird look, but except for a quick "go on" gesture, I didn't get any response of him.

So I shrugged and went on with the story.

'Well, no, at first, he didn't cry – he was at war, and you can't cry at war, not even when you fall on your knee that badly. So he swallowed his tears and fought on, until the dragon war was over. He had won. And he was very proud, but then he also realized how scary it had been, and started crying. But it was alright for him to cry, since he had a very good reason…'

'What kind of reason was that?' Antonio breathlessly asked.

'Well.' I thought about it. Creepy Kid – and Antonio – seemed to love the weird, depressing story, but Dumb Kid and Moody Kid didn't look too happy.

'The dragons had eaten his parents like shish kebab!' I decided to say. 'And hell, you have all rights to cry your eyes out when you've seen your parents being gobbled up like shish kebab. So the boy killed the dragons as well and made bowling pins out of their bones and had a nice bowling game with all the other kid warriors.'

Creepy Kid understood my strange sense of humor and laughed, excitedly clapping his hands, but the two others still looked gloomy. Antonio gave me a smile that could have said "well you tried" but also "you can do better than that".

'And then…' I feverishly thought about a solution. My imagination was beginning to ache, and I never thought that was possible. But no way in hell I was going to let Antonio keep that pity-smile on his face.

Well, then I guess I had no other choice but to go for the lamest ending of a story possible.

'…and then the boy woke up.'

\0o0/

Hope sparked into the eyes of Dumb and Moody Kid.

'Yes,' I sighed, rolling my eyes, 'the boy woke up, and realized all had been just a dream. His parents were still alive, everything was sunny and peachy.'

Dumb and Moody Kid giggled in relief. Creepy Kid's face, however, was beginning to fall. He knew this was a shitty ending. Fuck, now what?

'But!' I hastily said, 'Even though everything turned out to be a dream, and even though his parents were alive and kicking and making him a disgusting bowl of soggy cornflakes, the boy noticed he still wore his war clothes – these ones right in front of you, kid – and they still had all these dark stains on them…'

The mouths of the demon children had shaped themselves into little o's.

I leaned back. 'And that's why these clothes would suit an… interesting little kid like you. Want to put them on?'

Creepy Kid grinned and nodded and didn't know how fast to get rid of the white nightgown.

As I put on his clothes – weird, old clothes that indeed had a war-like air about them – and also started dressing Dumb Kid, who got clothes that were old as well, but slightly more normal, I could feel Antonio looking at me.

I didn't know if that was a good or a bad thing, but at least he looked at me, and I really liked that.