Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia.

A/n1: After last week's depressing chapter, I think it's time for a lighter, happier and somewhat cute chapter already. Well, here it is! ^^ Yay, I was so happy to be able to write one of these!~

A/n2: Next week, I'm updating on Friday-morning. That's because I'm staying over at a friend for a couple of days, and I really don't want to update while she's looking over my shoulder, wondering what the hell I'm doing and why everything's in English and stuff. Just so you know!~

A/n3: W.C. Fields gets the honor of uttering the quote for this chapter. I bet he'd be very pleased. Pfffrrt. XDDD
Anyway, have a funfact: in the Netherlands, a toilet is called both toilet and… a WC (pronounced as wee-cee, although our ee's sounds way different than yours, probably). Because WC stands for Water Closet or something. Which is English, yes – I don't get it either.
Anyway, I confess, I snickered when typing this name. Yes. I'm an adult woman and I snickered at W.C. Fields (fields of toilets!).You may make fun of me now. *bows head*

~~ And Three Makes Five ~~

Chapter 8:

I like children. If they're properly cooked.
W.C. Fields
(American comedian, actor and author)

After France had left the conference room, Femke decided to call off the meeting earlier than we had planned.

Nobody protested, though, and in a matter of mere minutes, everybody had left the building – in quiet, scary silence. They all grabbed their kids, hopped into their cars without saying goodbye, and went home.

Antonio, the kids and I did so as well, and we were already halfway home when Antonio was the first one to actually say something already.

'So, that was… well, awful.'

'Yep,' I said, because it was.

'What are we supposed to do now?' He frowned deeply. I noticed Antonio started to squeeze into the wheel. Normally, I'd nag or yell at him to stop attempting to break my stuff, dammit, but right now, I could only stare. That's pretty much all I had done during the meeting as well – stare.

'I think…' I muttered eventually, '…that we have no choice but to take care of the demon children for now.'

In spite of his tumbling, negative emotions, Antonio smiled. 'Ah, you're still calling them that, aren't you?'

'I have to – they won't tell me their names. If they even have names. Little secretive bastards.'

'How are they doing?'

I looked aside of me. All three of the kids were sleeping soundly. Dumb Kid had his ring finger and pinky in his mouth again, Creepy Kid was clutching Moody Kid's arm in between his own, and Moody Kid even frowned in her sleep.

'They're asleep,' I said, sitting back and looking out of the window.

'No wonder,' Antonio sighed, 'this has been a busy afternoon for them.'

'For us as well,' I reminded him. 'I mean, we're suddenly parents. What the fuck. I never thought I'd be a father one day, just like that.'

Antonio glanced at me through the driving mirror. His eyes shone hopefully.

'Does… does that mean you've accepted them as ours, Lovi?'

I bit my lip and dug my nails into my knees. 'I didn't have a choice, did I? After all that shit England and that kid of his have said, and after observing these little runts for a little while, I… well, I think I finally realize they really are… our kids. O-our sons and daughter.'

'So you realize it. That… that makes me happy, Lovi.'

'I know, I know…'

'Does it make you happy as well?'

'I don't know yet. Sorry.'

'That's alright, sweetie. Take all the time you need to get used to them.'

I snorted. 'Hey, don't talk like I'm the rookie here! You've never been father before, either.'

'No, but I did raise some nations,' Antonio kindly informed me.

I smirked. 'Did you now.'

'Yup, you might know one of them fairly well. Boy, he sure was a handful!'

'Cheeky bastard.'

Antonio chuckled. 'Ah, but I can't wait to see you pushing the kids around in a baby stroller!~ You'll look so cute, all daddy-like!~'

'For your information, they're four to five years old, Antonio. They can already walk, in case you didn't notice,' I said, rolling my eyes.

'Ah, that's right…' Antonio heaved a deep sight. 'We already skipped their baby-phase, didn't we…'

Shit, he was beginning to feel down, I could see it. He probably was thinking about the none-too-happy "they could be human" -scenario again. Hastily, I tried to think of something to cheer him up.

'…but, um, hey, we could make a swing in the garden, and some other toy shit, and then you could watch me acting all cute with the kids in our own personal little playfield!'

'…wha… yes, yes!' Antonio immediately regained his big, bright smile again. 'We could do that!'

'Right?'

'Right!'

'And we'd look pretty damn modern if we would go for a walk in town. Like those hipster homo-dads. Looking all spiffy and cool with their little gremlins running around their feet as they shamelessly flirt in public and tie their shirts and blouses around their necks in fashionable knots and shit…'

Antonio smiled. 'You'd like to do that, too?'

'Hell no – I'm not a damn hipster, I don't tie my shirts and blouses around their necks in knots. I'll need to iron them again later!'

'I'm talking about flirting in public, Lovi.'

All of a sudden, Antonio's free hand was – weirdly, since he was still driving – patting my knee. I felt my cheeks warming up and wondered whether to grab his hand or push it away. In the end, I didn't do either of them.

'I… y-you know I rather not flirt in public, dammit…' I mumbled.

'Ah, but I do. And I will.'

I allowed a small smile to appear. 'Asshole.'

'I love you too. Very much.'

'D-do you?' I grinned shyly – I liked this game. 'How… how much do you love me, then?'

'Oh, I'll show you how much – tonight.'

I thought about all the sex we had just yesterday and frowned. 'Is that even healthy? I mean, we… sure had lots of sex yesterday, so…'

'Lovino, I haven't seen, felt or touched you in months.' Antonio sounded very serious. 'You think yesterday night was enough to make up for all the nights I couldn't hold and love you?'

'No, I-I guess not,' I said. Goddammit, now I just couldn't stop smiling and fumbling around.

'Exactly,' Antonio said, and I saw (with a little help from the rear-view window) he was also smiling broadly. 'You better prepare yourself, Lovi, 'cause the second I happen to notice a good opportunity to do stuff to you, I will do stuff to you.'

'Good stuff?'

'Wonderful stuff.'

'Well, in that case… in that case… well, in that case, I… I can't wait.'

I still stammered so goddamn much whenever that sexy bastard was shamelessly seducing me like this, it was almost humiliating.

But on the other hand, it also made me forget about the pile of shit we were currently struggling in. Metaphorical shit, of course. I'd probably pass out from the stench if we were in real shit.

…

…also, why did my personal rambling pretty much always seemed to end in something with shit lately? I mean, shit, what's that all about!

…

Maybe I just need to shit— I mean shut the fuck up. Yes. Good plan.

\0o0/

When we arrived at our House, the kids were still having fun in dreamland.

It was something of a relief for me to see that none of them seemed to have my weird insomnia-thing, but then again, who says kids get all the traits their parents have? Nobody does, and that's good, and also, I wouldn't know what to fucking do if one of them came to me later this day and told me he/she can't sleep because his/her significant other isn't there to hold him/her.

…

Unless they meant a stuffed toy-animal or something.

But wait, we didn't have any kid shit around Antonio's place.

'We really should get some kid stuff,' I told Antonio, as we got out of the car. 'The House really isn't a place for demon children right now.'

Antonio nodded excitedly. 'You're right – so let's do that tomorrow! Let's go to town and buy dry, dusty bones, and fiery bed sheets, and other things that are especially meant for demon children! Like a lava pit.'

I narrowed my eyes. 'Don't mock me, dammit.'

'Sorry.' He grinned. 'But really, we indeed should get some toys and other cute kids stuff. It'll be great!'

'You're really enjoying this, aren't you?' I noticed, watching him carefully take out both Dumb and Moody Kid.

'Yep!' he said, winking and walking off.

And shit, I didn't know how that man did it, but for some reason, the kids didn't even wake up as he wandered towards our front door with the two of them hanging over his shoulder.

'He's like the goddamn Pied Piper of Hamelin, only less creepy,' I muttered to myself, turning to the remaining, sleeping kid on the car seat.

Talking about creepy – Creepy Kid even seemed to sleep evilly. Scary little shit probably enjoyed nightmares, judging on those twisting limbs and that suspicious smile. Still, that wasn't very nice of me to think, since I had already seen the kid was, above all, just a kid – and he wasn't mean. Hell, of all three kids, he probably thought the friendliest of me up to this point.

And that was a good thing.

I guess.

Oh well. I shrugged and then looked at the sleeping kid, wondering how the hell I should take him out of the car without waking him up. I mean, I'm no magic Spaniard with hands of fucking silk that can hold kids like they're fucking floating in the air, dammit, and I don't think I've ever even held a kid at all.

Unless it was Antonio, since he's a grown baby. Ha!

…

Anyway…

I slowly bent over, almost bumped my head to the low roof of the car, and took hold of Creepy Kid. Then, I carefully started… sliiiiiiiding him more towards the opened door, like swiiiiiissssshhhh, and then, just when the kid was about to drop out of the vehicle like some overripe apple, I lifted him up. Instantly, his head rolled back – so I quickly made him rest against my chest before his head would… I don't know, snap off or something.

And then I was carrying a kid for the very first time.

…

Oh my god, I was carrying a kid for the very first time!

'Antonio, Antonio! Look! I'm not a virgin anymore!' I happily announced to Antonio as I walked towards the House.

Antonio, who had just unlocked the front door, looked at me very strangely, but smiled anyway. 'Oh I know, Lovi!~'

'N-no, I'm not talking about that, you pervert!' I felt a blush creeping up from my neck to my face when I realized my sentence indeed must have sounded kind of weird. 'Y-you know what I mean, dammit…'

He looked at my – somewhat cramped-up – grip on Creepy Kid and nodded knowingly. 'Yeah.'

'Cool, right?' I grinned.

'Very cool!' Antonio agreed. 'You're the coolest coo-coo I know!'

'I'm not sure what you're even saying, but hell yeah!'

Proud as a king, which probably isn't even a saying, but fuck that, it sounded awesome so it should be a saying, I walked inside the House, followed by a chuckling Antonio.

\0o0/

We carefully installed the demon children in one of Antonio's many, many bedrooms, which were mine as well, now that I think about it, which was fucking awesome, but unpractical (I mean, it's confusing as fuck).

As we covered the kids with sheets and blankets, we started a whispering discussion.

'Is it… wise to put all three of them in just one bed?'

'Ah, for today, that'll be fine, Lovi. We'll ask them tomorrow what they want, and if they say they rather sleep alone, then we'll give them separate bedrooms. I got lots of them anyway!~'

'No no – all of them sleeping in one room is fine by me, but I'm not so sure about one bed…'

'Hm… shall we give them apart beds tomorrow, then?'

'That's a better idea, yes.'

'Maybe we should have made them wear pajama's…'

'Fuck – you mean they're still wearing their clothes?'

'Well, did you change their clothes, then?'

'Damn. Oh well, never mind. We still have to have dinner later anyway, so we'll put them in those white things later tonight, when they're going back to bed again.'

'Sounds good to me!'

Content with our very mature decision – we actually resolved something that could have been a problem, we were like adults! – we sneaked out of the room and softly closed the door behind us.

'Good job,' Antonio said to me.

'Yes, you too,' I responded.

He smiled at me.

I smiled at him.

And then he suddenly threw me against a wall and started kissing me like his life fucking depended on it.

Of course, I had seen this coming – and I kissed him back just as furiously, wrapping my arms around his neck and pressing myself against him in a suggestive manner that didn't need any explanation.

'God, I want you…' I heard him hiss when he pulled away for a second, '…you've been so damn handsome and cute all day long… you must be doing this on purpose, driving me insane like that…'

'Right… right back at you,' I mumbled, ripping his stupid buttoned shirt open like wham, 'you… y-you hot, sweet bastard… now look what you made me do, dammit, that was a wonderful shirt, raaaaah, it looked so good on you, too, and now I've fucking destroyed it…'

He laughed a bit breathlessly and kissed me again, now with opened mouth. I moaned as soft as I could as he dominantly rubbed our tongues together – but Antonio groaned loudly when I started to grope his ass.

Fucking noisy bastard – we were still standing right before the bedroom, dammit!

'A-Antonio,' I quickly muttered, in between my panting and gasping as he enthusiastically slid his hands inside my pants and cupped my butt as well, '…n-not here, you moron, they… they'll wake up, dammit…'

That seemed to make Antonio snap out of his horny daze, for a second, and he licked his lips thoughtfully, before lifting me up and tossing me over his shoulder like some sort of… of sandbag. Then he hurried out of the hallway.

I swore between my teeth because dammit, my stiff… stiffness was pressed against Antonio in a way that made it painful whenever he bounced around too much.

'Ou-ch-you-re-fuck-ing-hur-ting-me!' I complained – in phases, holding on to him tightly as he bulldozered off the goddamn stairs like a huge, insane and very horny rabbit, and shit that hurt!

'Sor-ry-sor-ry-sor-ry,' he stammered, wheezing, 'al-most-down-stai-rs!'

I smacked the back of his head anyway – not too hard, but still.

'Ou-ch-Lo-vi!'

Annoyed or not, that reaction made me giggle – which came out really weirdly as well, but like hell I'm going to say how that sounded.

After we finally thank GOD came downstairs, Antonio immediately rushed to the living room, to the nearest couch, and – now all of a sudden surprisingly thoughtful – laid me down on it.

'A-asshole…' I breathed heavily as he undid my pants and tossed them away. 'You… you should… be more careful, dammit…'

'I-I know, I know, sorry…' He quickly pulled his pants down and awkwardly kicked them off, hopping around the room for a while before he actually managed to lose them – which, again, made me snicker and chuckle like some damn girl – but he still looked crazily attractive as he finally grabbed my ankles and spread my legs apart.

'Okay then,' he said, regaining his breath again – and pouted when he noticed I was, despite all of his good looks, still motherfucking laughing my ass off.

'Loviiii!' he whined, jerking on my legs. 'I can't do it if you don't stop laughing at me!'

I wanted to say I was sorry, but somehow, the image of Antonio failing to have sex with me and lying on top of me all frustrated and shit only made me laugh more, and harder, and shit my world if I wasn't being extremely annoying.

But that all suddenly stopped when Antonio lowered himself to me and kissed me again – deeply and demandingly.

Oh yes.

Yes, that sure shut me up.

Antonio, who was glad I had stopped laughing and even happier to notice I was getting hot and bothered again because of him, took a hold of my hips and pulled me closer to his lower body.

'Lovi, we… we probably don't have much time to do it, because we still need to prepare dinner, and get the kids out of bed again, so… so this'll be quick, okay?'

I frowned. 'You bastard. Are you warning me this might not feel so good for me because you're in a hurry?'

'No – I'm just worried you might pass out when I'll let you come that fast.' His eyes twinkled teasingly.

My cheeks started to burn even more now and I wanted to say that I was alright with that, but Antonio was faster than I thought – and before I knew it I was gasping and panting and scratching my nails down his back as he hastily, but passionately made love to me.

\0o0/

Not even ten fucking minutes later, we were already fully satisfied – and dressed – and grinned stupidly at each other as we sluggishly walked into the kitchen.

'Well, that… that was fast,' I said, sitting down on the table – not the best idea of me, but I decided not to wince or anything and just sit the hell out of that table.

'Right?' Antonio said, his voice telling me he didn't know to be proud of that or not, and put on an apron. He couldn't tie it on his own though, because… well, I don't know, he just couldn't and needed my help.

Relieved that I could get off the painfully hard table, I rushed to his side and tied the apron, half-ignoring the loving after-sex gaze I felt he was giving me, right over his shoulder, and tried to think of a topic to talk about.

'So, what… what are you going to prepare for dinner?'

'Good question!' He snapped out of it and frowned. 'Oh, this could be difficult. I don't even know what the kids like to eat…'

'Maybe something easy to start with.' I suddenly felt the very gay urge to hug him, so I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him a bit, pressing my face against his back. 'Some…something nice and sweet, p-perhaps…'

'Just as nice and sweet as you, my love?' He softly caressed my arms.

'I-I'm not.'

'Yes you are.'

'I'm not, dammit, and why don't you make… soup or something?'

'Oh, yes, homemade tomato soup with some freshy-baked bread!'

'Good,' I said, letting him go, 'then you'll go cook, I'll prepare the evil, mean, shockingly hard bastard-table.'

'You shouldn't sit on hard things after having sex, Lovi.'

'Shut up, you ass-molester.'

He chuckled and turned to the refrigerator. I also decided to just get on with what I was planning to do – and therefore, I started to look for a nice tablecloth and some plates.

As I prepared the table, I couldn't help but feel weird. It just was so very… unusual, this… this atmosphere here. It felt cozy, but it also felt strange. Unknown. Scary, even. I seriously didn't know how to handle it.

I sneakily peeked at Antonio, still standing in front of the counter. He was now chopping up some tomatoes and hummed – he sure liked to hum – something that sounded upbeat and joyful. I bet he loved it, this new lifestyle that we were going to have for the following… well, at least the following weeks, probably. I knew this whole idea of us, being fathers, probably made him super-excited.

But… as for me…

I gulped and slowly put down the spoons. In its reflection, I could see my own white, worried face.

…as for me… the idea of having kids only made me feel anxious and nauseous.