Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia.

A/n1: A few chapters ago, some readers told me they had liked to read about Toni and Lovi getting caught in the smexy act by the kids. Well, in this chapter, it happens. But not quite. But it kind of does happen. And now I'm not making sense anymore. Hooray!

A/n2: It's so very HOT in my country right now, you wouldn't believe. I'm sunburned all over and there's some water in my ear I just can't get out. Very, verrrrry annoying. But hooray for actually having a decent Summer this year! 8DDDDDD

A/n3: As a kid, I read everything from Annie M.G. Schmidt. She was a famous Dutch writer of children's literature, and you couldn't grow up without having read at least one of her books. Also, my parents always read her stories to me and my brothers before we went to sleep. It was wonderful! ^^ Also, reading your kid bedtime stories is good for their development and it stimulates their imagination. Yay for funfacts!~

~~ And Three Makes Five ~~

Chapter 11:

Children – never do what your mother tells you to do. Then everything should work out just fine.
Annie M.G. Schmidt
(Dutch author)

Well.

After Antonio had put that world-destructing thing of his away in his Shed of Terror, Doom and Despair, we went to bed.

Because it was getting pretty late already, actually, and that's what you do when it gets pretty late – you drag your ass off to bed.

…

Now for what stupid reason did I explain that bit, I'm sure no one cares, but oh well.

Anyway, Antonio and I were kind of tired. No fucking clue why – oh, wait, wait a minute, maybe we were so dead-tired because we all of a sudden had become parents of three fucking demon children and therefore had just experienced the longest day EVER.

Yes. Maybe, just maybe, that was the reason. Just a wild guess.

In spite of all that, though, I was horny as fuck and wanted to fuck. Which rhymes, but not really, because they're the same words. Oh fuck it.

'Really?' Antonio said, looking up at me with drowsy, watery, "I'm-so-exhausted-I-could-die"-eyes. 'You want to have sex, Lovi?'

'Y-yes,' I mumbled, shuffling myself closer to his body and uneasily attempting to wrap my arms around his torso. 'You… you don't want to?'

'Well…'

...

Was that... hesitation I heard in his voice?

...

Was... was that even possible?

'Seriously?' I stared at him like he wore a giant, purple wig with little elves in it. 'So you don't want to have sex? But this afternoon, you were all like "ohh, I need to take you so badly" and all that shit! You even said you'd show me just how much you love me this night!'

'Your memory concerning sappy things I say to you is impressive. You must really love me, don't you?' Antonio smiled.

'Fuck you.' I puffed my cheeks and let go of him, turning my back on him.

He laughed cheerlessly and patted my back. 'Lovino, come on… it's not that I don't want to… it's more like… I'm just so tired. I can barely keep my eyes open.'

I wanted to growl and continue acting like a spoiled little bitch for a bit longer, but then I realized my behavior maybe was a bit too childish, because let's be honest: we did had one exceptionally tiresome day today, so yeah. It was perfectly normal Antonio was too sleepy to have some lovely sex with me.

Still, I couldn't prevent my traitorous mouth from saying the following.

'Are we going to become like most couples with children, Antonio?'

'Hmmm?' Antonio questioningly hummed, embracing my back from behind.

I frowned and softly touched one of his hands, now resting on my stomach.

'Is… is our sexlife going to suffer, now that we have kids?'

I absentmindedly tugged a bit on the ring on his finger and held in my breath.

For a moment, Antonio was very quiet. He was so damn quiet, I almost feared that bastard had just fallen asleep, dammit, because he tended to do that in the middle of an important talk.

But then, I felt he was stirring behind me – and I could prevent gasping out too loudly by blocking my mouth when he suddenly started sucking the nape of my neck. He sucked, and licked, and bit, and simultaneously pulled me closer, until he and his arms and hands were pretty much all over me.

All I could do was whimper and shiver and think how wonderful this all felt.

'Ah, silly Lovi…' Antonio murmured, after pulling back from my – now reddened – neck, '…do you really think I would ever let that happen? Would you let that happen?'

'I-I don't know, dammit,' I stammered. I put a hand behind my neck to soothe the painful spot there, but Antonio wanted none of that and grabbed my wrist.

'Well I do know,' he muttered, before nipping at my neck again. He guided the hand he was holding to the back of his head, where he released it from his tight grip. As I instantly let my finger sink into his unruly, curly hair, I felt his both of his hands making their way to the front of my pants.

'What… what are you going to…' I shut up and squeezed my eyes shut when his hands undid my pants with short, impatient tugs, and I let out a moan when the same hands moments later disappeared in the same pants.

'I think you're perfectly aware of what I'm going to do,' Antonio breathed into my ear. 'I might not feel good enough to have sex with you, but I'd rather chop my own head off than failing to get you off. What a lousy husband that would make me…'

'O-oh god,' I gasped when one of his hand clutched the half-stiff cock in my underpants while the other hand made its way up my body, up to my chest, his fingers pushing and pulling a perked nipple as soon as they met one.

'Now…' Antonio gave a teasing nip to my auricle and started moving his hand up and down slowly, oh so slowly, way too fucking slowly, and all I could do was writhe and twist and moan his name over and over again.

'Antonio… o-oh god, A-Antonio… hmmm… m-more…'

To my surprise, I suddenly heard Antonio swallow – and I felt something hardening against my lower back. Then he pressed his lips against my neck and muttered something there.

'W-what?' I asked.

'I-I said…' Antonio gulped and let go of my nipple, only to slide his hand to my back, shoving it inside my pants – this time the backside of my pants, '…I-I said that you're turning me on, Lovi… dammit, you really do turn me on…'

I let out a short, breathy laugh. 'Yeah?'

'Yes.' He sped up his hand movements – oh shit oh shit oh god oh god – and tugged down my pants from the back. He let go immediately after.

'W-w-what are – ah – you doing now,' I grumbled. I let go of his hair and wondered for a short moment now what on earth I was supposed to do with that free hand and fucking shit why did that damn hand of his slow down all of a sudden shit shit shitcakes shit.

'Hm?' he said. 'I'm just loosening up my own pants, sweetie…'

His hand almost didn't slide up and down my erection anymore, so I calmed down a bit.

'You… now you suddenly want to have sex?' I was able to ask him.

'Is… is that… okay with you?' Antonio pressed his (now naked) lower body against my own (also naked) lower body and mmmm, how nice and hard it felt.

'O-of course it's fucking okay,' I mumbled, wrapping his other arm around me as well and pulling him flat against me so hard it actually hurt a bit, '…n-now go on right ahead, d-dammit… stopping halfway a handjob… y-you sure have some guts, bastard…'

His (slow, mean, awful, wonderful) hand gave my erection a teasting, delicious squeeze. 'So… I can take you, Lovi?'

I couldn't believe he asked me that.

I also couldn't believe what I was going to answer.

'Y-y-yes,' I said, barely audible.

'Ahhh?'

Antonio paused. In everything he was doing, he fucking paused.

'What!' I snarled, at once, getting really fed up with his slacking off.

Antonio, after one more second of silence, laughed softly and gave me a hug.

'Lovi, you sure like to bottom, don't you?'

…

…

Oh.

Fuck.

\0o0/

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck how did he find out how did he find out maybe I should have nagged at him to turn the fuck around and let me claim his ass but damn why did the idea of him claiming mine seemed to so much more appealing dammit what was wrong with me why did Antonio ask me such an embarrassing question at such an important time and also DIDN'T HE ASK ME THAT SAME QUESTION SOME MONTHS GO TOO?

Now what in the world should I answer?

What? Should? I? Answer?

'U-um,' I said.

…

I answered um. Fucking UM.

My fantastic talk abilities blew me the fuck away.

Antonio had probably noticed the stiffening of my entire body, because he held on to me tightly and gave me kisses all over my neck, shoulders and back, pushing one of his legs in between mine - what was a sweet, but also incredible sexy thing to do.

'Ah, that's okay. Come on, don't act all embarrassed, sweetie, there's nothing wrong with having a preference.'

'Well!' I suddenly snapped, swiftly turning around – good thing he didn't hold my dick anymore – and shoved a finger in his face. 'I'd like to let you know I also love to top! That's very good! It's nice! I enjoy topping you, hell, I could top you right now if I wanted to top you! I could pound your ass till it fucking falls off!'

He blinked, but then he smiled and nodded. Gently, he pushed my finger away.

'I know you can, my love.'

'Well… well good!' I wheezed.

'But most of the time, you prefer me on top.'

'I-I… no, I… um,' I said, looking and moving away – and oh god, when did my face get so hot? Also, when did I ended up sitting on his lap?

'Don't you?' Antonio only leaned closer towards me, the harder I tried to push him away.

'I-! Um… y-you… um.' I still stuttered, hesitatingly giving in to his warm, inviting body.

Antonio folded his arms around me again and nuzzled my warm and also very red cheek affectionately.

'Don't be ashamed, sweetie. Don't assume it's stupid or shameful to like what you like.'

'I don't think it's shameful or stupid. It's… it's just embarrassing.'

'It's not.'

'It isn't?

'Not at all.'

I stared at him, somewhat touched and relieved by his words, and I thought about something to say.

'W-what about you, t-then?' I finally asked in a small voice. 'Do you have something you prefer? Top or b-bottom? And be honest with me, dammit!'

Because if he also preferred to bottom, we should think of something. Sh-shouldn't we? Doesn't it work that way?

'I actually love it either way.' Antonio managed to steal a kiss from me - mid-sentence. 'I really, really love to have sex with you, Lovi, regardless of who's bottoming and who's topping. I absolutely love being top and I absolutely love being bottom. As long as it's you, Lovi – because when it's you, then I know I'm going to love every single second of it.'

…

Oh my.

'My god, Antonio.' I chuckled, feeling somewhat shy, yet happy about this whole… confession thing. 'That's… that's almost poetic, you romantic bastard.'

He smiled. 'I can be poetic.'

'Y-yes, you can,' I nodded, and carefully gripped his shoulders. I didn't really know what I wanted to say with that, or even what actually wanted to do, but… I hoped I somehow showed him I really, really liked him. Like love him. A-and stuff.

'Okay, now that we've both decided I'm one romantic, poetic piece of man, let's continue what you've started, hmm?'

Antonio rolled onto his back, never letting go of me, so that when he laid on his back, I was (still) sitting on his thighs – my knees somewhat crooked, my hands resting on his tummy.

'What are you up to?' I asked, leaning down, smirking.

'Well,' he started, running his arms down my body until they halted on my butt – of course they halted on my butt, 'why don't you ride me, Lovi?~'

I knew I had done wilder things with him. Things that made me cringe in shame and disgust and lust when I thought about them. And yet, regardless of that, I still felt my face flushing furiously as he suggested I should mount his cock.

But I liked that.

'I could do that,' I said in a low, and hopefully hot voice.

'You should do that,' he corrected me with a playful wink.

'You like that, don't you? Having me bounce on top of you.'

Antonio's cheeks suddenly got a few shades redder.

'H-hey, you don't know how hot you look when you do that!'

'I look hot when I do that?' I said, seriously flattered.

Still blushing, he nodded.

'Super hot.'

I didn't really know how to respond to that – yes, it's something that occurs more often – so I just smiled at him as honestly as I know I was, and moved further up his legs, until his erection really was just underneath me.

As Antonio held his breath and as I started to rub my lower regions allllll over that delicious stiffness, I suddenly heard something. It wasn't really loud, but there sure was something going on somewhere in this House.

'You heard that?' I said, looking over my shoulder.

'Y-y-yes, that's my heart – it always thumps a lot louder that when you do these things,' Antonio said, sounding a bit embarrassed. 'Ah, I-I wish it would get used to you already, but it just can't get enough from you.'

I instantly looked back at Antonio, my eyes wide open.

'F-fuck, you're cute.'

He laughed softly – and grabbed my wrists, pulling me and my attention back to him. 'I believe this is the part where you say you love me, my love…'

'I love you,' I brusquely said, pressing a maybe too happy kiss to his lips, 'I really, really do love you so very mu—'

Creeeeeaaaaaak.

…

…

Oh FUCK.

\0o0/

First, there was nothing.

Good, blissful nothing.

But.

But THEN…!

'P-Papa Lovi? Papa Toni?'

…

…

…

…oh please god, don't tell me one or more of the demon children actually walked in on me and Antonio on the verge of having sex.

Please don't tell me they now saw I sat on him, butt-naked.

Please don't tell me they now watched my ass hovering above Antonio's cock.

PLEASE. DON'T.

But nothing told me nothing, goddammit, so I breathed out as quietly and non-shrilly as I could and shot an urgent 'WHAT THE FUCK DO WE DO NOW' look at a just as horrified-looking Antonio below me.

'Pssst,' he eventually hissed to me, after one minute of utter awfulness, and he held one hand next to his mouth so that the kid – I think it was the dumb one – couldn't see us talking.

'Lovi, I don't think he has seen us yet…'

…well.

'Then why the fuck do you bother holding your hand up all secretly like that, dammit?' I hissed back.

'I don't know, it seemed to be a normal thing to do – anyway, Lovi, please get off me.' Antonio started to panicky pat me on the arms.

I growled. 'I want to, but… h-how?'

'Well, should I grab a ladder for you? So you can climb off me?'

…

What? Was that fucking sarcasm I heard coming from him?

'B-but I don't know where that damn kid is standing, dammit!' I nagged at the sassy asshole, '…and he also isn't saying anything anymore – can you see him?'

'No – your scrumptious body blocks my view.'

'You sure are cheeky tonight, aren't you.'

'Ahahaha.'

Dammit, we didn't have time for this. That's why I finally decided to take a risk – and swiftly got off Antonio, sat next to him and immediately pulled up the sheets as high as I could.

Antonio abruptly sat upright as well and did the very same thing and we then both stared at the empty spot in front of the opened door.

No kid.

…

…

Awkward.

'Was it all a dream?' Antonio mused, rubbing his jaw.

I wanted to roll my eyes and tell him like fuck it was a goddamn dream, that kid was probably thinking he had found an empty room and had left when we didn't answer his pleas for help, but then we heard the door next to our bedroom was also opened.

Again, that soft, nervous voice.

'Papa Lovi? Papa T-Toni?'

Antonio and I firstly looked at each other. A typical "we should probably do something" –look.

Then we hastily shot out of bed, put on our pajamas again – I always wondered why two extremely sexually active men like we were even had PJ's in the first place, but they sure were convenient now – and stumbled out of the room.

\0o0/

When we got out of the bedroom, we noticed Dumb Kid right away – he was about to wobble uncomfortably to the next room. He held a pillow and left suspicious little wet footprints behind him.

We also saw he wasn't alone: walking a bit behind him was Moody Kid. She didn't say anything to him, she didn't even encourage or soothe him, but… well, she was there. And she avoided the suspicious wet footprints.

I wanted to consult Antonio and discuss with him what would be the next step we should consider, like any good parent or online multi-player would do. But Antonio was kind of a weird parent, and he didn't get online gaming at all, dammit, so of course, he just went with his instincts and charged towards the kids.

Both froze in fear, of course, when they saw him dashing at them all insanely like that, but they relaxed as soon as they recognized Antonio.

'Papa Toni!' Dumb Kid exclaimed, tightening the grip around the pillow. Moody Kid still kept quiet – and she glared at us, naturally.

'Hey, hey, what's wrong?' Antonio crouched in front of Dumb Kid. 'Where you looking for us, kiddo?'

I caught up with Antonio and was just in time to observe Dumb Kid, trying to cover himself up with the pillow.

'You peed the bed,' I instantly realized.

The kid gasped and got red, shaking his head hysterically.

'No?' I huffed, putting my hands on my hips. 'But you've got pee-stains on your nightgown.'

He still shook his head. I was afraid his head might fling off if he kept tossing it around like that, so I sat down with Antonio as well and grabbed the kid's tiny arms.

'Okay, okay, you didn't do it – please stop moving your head like that, you'll send it in an orbit around the earth if it snaps off, dammit.'

'Ehehehehe,' Dumb Kid said, giggling.

'You peed the bed?' Antonio said, and sighed. But he smiled immediately after, ruffling the boys hair.

'Aww, that's not a big deal, kiddo!~ You see, Papa Lovi used to pee all over the place.'

'W-wha-! It was a goddamn SQUIRREL!' I snapped, my face red hot from embarrassment. 'Dammit, just how many times do I have to repeat that to you before you finally believe me!'

'Ahaha, Lovi, you lying little bedpisser, I'll never believe that silly story!~'

My mouth dropped. 'What the fu—'

'Anyway,' he carried on, successfully preventing me from saying the dreadful F-word, 'I want to let you know it's fine, kiddo. These kind of things happen when you're young! Don't you worry about it, okay?'

Dumb Kid didn't deny his wet and icky crime any longer, but he didn't confirm it either. He just looked at me and Antonio with those huge, way too familiar eyes and grinned stupidly.

While Antonio instantly began to gush about how unbearably cute the dumb kid was, I decided to look for Moody Kid. I didn't have to look very long, because she was standing right next to me, her expression angry and huffy, as usual.

'And what about you?' I said to her, frowning. 'Did you pee the bed as well?'

'No!' she bit – and I chose to believe her, because she, indeed, wasn't covered with nasty stains. Which was odd, because the three of them were sleeping in one bed, so all three of them should be covered with…

…wait, did this mean that Creepy Kid was still sleeping?

Not having a care in the world?

In the pee?

…

That kid got creepier the longer I knew him, dammit.

'Antonio,' I said, turning myself back to my chirping husband and the kid that was supposed to be part of our offspring, 'I don't want to disturb you, but we have to remake a bed and wash some urine-soaked kids.'

Then I groaned and rubbed my head.

This was going to be a long night, wasn't it?