Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia.

A/n1: Upcoming Wednesday, I'm having my driving exam. I'm not sure I said that right. Well, let's put it like this: this Wednesday, I'm going to try to get my driver's license. Yes, that's right, I still haven't got one. ^^;;; Embarrassing, right?
Anyway, please wish me lots of luck, because man, I will need it. It's not that I'm a bad driver, it's more like I get nervous as fuck when there's a man sitting next to me, noting everything I do, while I'm just sitting there and sweating my ass off.
Oh! I'm so scared… Please please please let me get my driver's license in one try! I'm too old for joyriding (just kidding – no way on earth I'd ever drive around without a driver's license, I'm way too chicken for that, LOL)…

A/n2: Maybe some of you remember that A/n I wrote a long time ago. You know, that one note that told you about the Dutch Prince Friso's accident? That he had been in an avalanche which left him in a comatose state of mind (and I sure hope I'm saying this right)?
He died this week. He was only 44 years old, and probably one of the coolest princes we had here in the Netherlands. He leaves behind a lot of people that loved him , like his brothers – and the King – and a wife, plus their young daughters.
It's so sad. Of course, we all pretty much knew he'd never wake up after his accident, but it's still a terrible loss.
I'm not sure how to feel about it. I mean, I didn't know the man. I just hope he'll be at peace now – and it would be good if his loved ones could finally move on now as well.

~~ And Three Makes Five ~~

Chapter 13:

The way I wrestle with five-year-olds makes me think if I ever were to be attacked by a pack of midgets, I'd be OK.
Jarod Kintz
(American author)

'The bitchy princess started praying when the frog was away – she prayed he'd drown and leave her the hell alone. Yes, she was a mean little princess. But, fortunately enough – for the frog – he came back, safe and sound, and he had the golden ball with him.

"Yo, look what the F-dog dug up from the pond, missy – a golden thingamajig."

"Why didn't you drown?" the princess pouted, snatching the ball away from him.

The frog opened his slimy yap to answer her, but then the princess suddenly sprinted away, right to the entrance of her daddy's castle, and he could hear her evil cackling as she slammed the door shut.

"Mhuhahahahahahaaa, PSYCH, sucker!"

The frog was like "well shit, ho tricked me" but… he didn't give up. He just hopped to the door and body-slammed it a few times, until the king, whose servants were apparently striking at the moment, opened the door.

"Yo dawg," the frog greeted the king with two raised froggy fingers. "Peace. Where's yo daughter at? She promised me somethin'."

"Did she?" the king said, faintly wondering if he drank too much liquor again.

The frog explained everything to the king, who went straight to his daughter and told her to do what she promised the frog. Because, for some shady reason, he chose that exact moment to discover his daughter was a spoiler little bitch – and she was the one to blame. He wasn't. Nooo, the king, her father, who always gave her everything, wasn't. Don't be ridiculous.

So to teach her a lesson, he commanded her to get out of her room, right now, before he'd bulldoze her pink door flat, so she could keep her promise.

The spoiled princess wasn't used to her father growing a fucking spine like that, so she came out of her room, dazzled, and went to the dining room.

And there he was, sitting next to her plate, waving and smiling slyly at her.

"Yo princess, how yo doin'?"

"Crap," the princess answered, but went and sit down anyway.'

Antonio glanced at the clock, I noticed, and he gave me a frowny look.

'Lovi, it's getting late, you know.'

Then he pointed to the kids, who were, indeed, starting to doze off. I couldn't even decide if Dumb Kid was asleep or awake anymore.

'Alright, alright!' I huffed. 'I'll just skip the dining part and go straight to the bedscene. The kids will love that part.'

Antonio grimaced. 'That… that sounds so wrong.'

I pretended I didn't hear him and carried on.

'So anyway, begrudgingly, the bitchy princess shared her food and drink with the frog, and she even took the little slimy beast with her to her bedroom. You should have seen the look of sheer agony and disgust when he flopped down on her pillow.

"Yuck! You're making my pillow dirty, you freak! It's all green and stuff! Gross, it's like snot!"

"Yea whatever – it's dreamtime for this lill' man, yo," the frog effectively ignored her, and folded his arms back his head, smiling delightedly.

"Oh no you didn't!" the bitchy princess wagged her finger at him very unladylike and dashed forwards, made a high-jump kick, and launched him right off the pillow! He went splat against the wall!'

'Wooooooooooow!' Creepy Kid cheered.

'Eww…' Moody Kid mumbled.

'But then!' I mystically said. 'As soon as the frog had hit the wall – and smacked down on the floor – he suddenly was overcome with white smoke and twinkling glitter… and then, when the air had cleared up again, there was a handsome prince standing in the princess' bedroom!

"Hello, my dear, nameless princess."

And he had lost his accent, too!

"Who are you?" the bitchy and very confused princess asked him.

"I'm a prince from a kingdom far away from here. An evil witch changed me into a foul amphibian, for she was annoyed by my lack of swag."

"So she changed you into a frog?"

"Yes, I found that pretty unusual as well. Just like the fact you had to throw me against a wall in order to break the spell. I mean, I'd much rather have had a kiss instead. However!" He took a few steps into her direction and beamed a white, pearly smile at her. "You still managed to break the spell, so thank you very much."

"You're welcome," the princess said. "Now where's my reward?"

"Well, I'd love to marry you," the prince humbly requested.

The princess was disappointed. "I said reward – not punishment."

"But—"

"And why do you want to marry me? It makes no sense, you don't even know my name!"

"Yes, well—"

"And I said and did horrible stuff to you!"

"Still, I…"

"I threw you against the wall!"

"But I love you anyway!" the prince said. "So marry me, nameless princess, and have a child with me that'll change into an ogre at night when it gets older!"

But the princess was pretty emancipated and rejected the prince, who, instead, went for the younger sister. She wasn't really eager to marry him either, but she was a doormat, so she accepted his desperate proposal – while crying – and went with him to his magical kingdom.

There, they miraculously managed to fall in love with each other anyway thanks to the Stockholm Syndrome, so they all lived a happily ever after – the bitchy princess with her golden ball, and the doormat princess with her shallow husband. The end.'

\0o0/

Creepy Kid burst out in enthusiastic cheering and clapping, Moody Kid frowned a bit less angrily and Dumb Kid, who, indeed, had fallen asleep, was now sucking his pinky and ring finger.

'I feel violated,' Antonio muttered, sighing deeply as he got up from the bed.

'Now,' I said, looking at the kids – especially at Moody Kid – intensively, 'what have we learned from this little story?'

'Um,' Moody Kid started, but I didn't let her finish.

'Men are beasts, and you should stay away from them. Until you're old and wrinkly. Then we'll see.'

She just blinked her eyes drowsily, not knowing how to respond.

Antonio chuckled and put his hands on my shoulders. 'Getting protective, aren't we, Lovi?~'

'No I'm not! I'm just stating the obvious! Men are beasts!' I grumpily said, also getting up. 'Besides, if one or two of the boys turn out to be gay, this warning goes for them as well. You two knuckleheads hear that?'

But the two knuckleheads were not listening anymore – they had nodded off. Moody Kid wasn't sleeping yet, but she did have her eyes closed. So when I shot a stern glance into the demon children's direction, it was squished flat against the wall, just like the frog prince, for there was nobody to actually see it.

'Hey! Don't fall asleep during my important speeches!' I said, frowning. What did this mean – were my speeches too hard for them to understand yet, or was I just acting really, really boorish?

Then I felt Antonio put a hand against my back and softly pushed me towards the door.

'Let's go to bed, Lovi. Come on.'

I looked at him. Antonio had a very tired expression, like he had had this entire night already. Poor guy was probably so deadly exhausted, he'd drop down on the floor instantly if I told him it was okay to take a nap on the ground, right here, right now.

…

…I don't know why the fuck I would ever tell him that, but I was looking for a comparison, dammit, so don't sweat it.

Finally, I looked at the kids, snoring away. Only after that, I was able to smile a bit and nod.

'Alright then – let's go to sleep, Antonio.'

\0o0/

No, we didn't have sex when we returned to our bedroom, nor did we have a good, intimate talk about Antonio's past.

…

I mean, come on, we were so fucking tired, it wasn't even funny anymore! You really think we'd still be able to have mind-blowing good sex and chat like we've got tons of energy left? We're countries, for god's sake – not superheroes!

So yeah, as soon as our heads hit the pillow, we fell asleep, and we stayed asleep, until we were woken up the very next day – way too fucking early – by the sound of laughing and shouting children.

…

…

Nngh. I don't know if I could get used to this.

\0o0/

Behold – the very strange conversation me and Antonio had, shortly after the annoying noises outside of our bedroom had brutally woke us up:

'Lovi?'

'Hmn.'

'The kids are awake.'

'That's the rumor.'

'I think they've just taken down one of the paintings.'

'Then you should probably go out of bed and scold them.'

'Why me? I think you should go out of bed and scold them.'

'They are your kids – you should scold them, dammit.'

'They are yours, too!'

'Nnnnope.'

'Nope?'

'They are completely, entirely yours, this early in the morning.'

'But I don't want them to be completely and entirely mine this early in the morning…'

'Well, then I guess they're orphans for now.'

Silence, except for the shouting and shrieking outside the room.

Then Antonio started to giggle, scooting closer to me and wrapping his arms around me.

'You're evil, Lovi…'

'Am not,' I muttered, instantly nuzzling his chest, the minute he pressed me against him, 'I'm just… sleepy.'

'Hm-hm…' He put a hand on my head, caressing me softly. 'We should probably get out of bed soon, sweetie.'

'Yeah yeah…' I yawned, but refused to move away from him – or to let him move away from me.

'We have lots of things to do today,' Antonio continued.

I groaned.

'Like…um…' I could hear Antonio's brain, trying hard to get into action and think, as he absentmindedly ran his hand up and down my back, '…ah, we should get to your doctor, first. And then, we should buy more kid stuff, like you said. Toys and all.'

'Toys and all…' I mumbled, hugging him tightly. 'But I don't need toys as long as I have you…'

'I-I was talking about the kids, Lovino,' Antonio said – and heh, I just knew he was blushing.

'I know you were talking about the kids. I just wanted to let you know I don't need any toys, because I have you.'

I "accidentally" pushed my knee into his crotch. Whoopsy daisy, look at that.

'L-Lovi…' He started to shake and shiver a little bit. Antonio always started to shake and shiver a little bit when he was getting aroused and didn't want to let me know.

'What?' I innocently said, looking up to him and feeling more than proud to notice how red and warm his face had become, all of a sudden.

'Ohh? What's with the flushed face, Antonio?'

'Are you trying to sex me up?' He sounded excited, but irritated as well. 'Lovino, our offspring is running around the corridor, making a huge mess and yelling all kinds of things, and you want to make love?'

'Screw making love – I want to fuck.'

I abruptly sat up and managed to harshly press a completely surprised Antonio against the mattress, sitting down on his thighs heavily. Antonio stared at me bewilderedly as I leaned down, smirking, until my lips were close to his – also very red – ear.

'…and I want to fuck you, to be precisely.'

And then I gave a lick to his earlobe, because why the hell not.

'L-L-Lovino…' Antonio moaned and grasped my shoulders, half-heartedly trying to push me off him.

'You know what,' I carried on in a husky voice, lowering myself on top of him, 'I think I'm going to do it, too. I'm going to fuck you and you'll gasp for more and you'll totally love it.'

He gave me this dazed, mesmerized look, before he eventually nodded, smiling ever so slightly.

…

…

F-fucking adorable, dammit.

'A-alright,' I quickly said, doing the best I could to avoid getting too endeared by Antonio's irresistible cuteness, 'now, when was the last time I gave you a decent blowjob?'

'Um,' Antonio muttered, avoiding my eyes.

'That's right – I don't know, either.' I puffed my cheeks in annoyance. 'You can ask me to suck you off every once in a while, you know. I don't mind doing that. Heck, I love sucking you off. Not a big fan of your cum, but your dick's pretty much perfect. It tastes like sex. I like sex.'

Antonio blinked his foggy eyes at me. 'You're… ah, you're pretty shameless this morning, my love…'

'You can thank me for that later.' I moved myself around, my (still clad) ass facing his… face, just to taunt him, and started pulling down his pants. Or up, seen from my point of view.

Behind me, I could hear Antonio laugh a bit. 'Ah, you sure are sexy when you're taking the initiative, Lovi…'

I smiled, feeling better and more confident by the passing second. 'You should see me when I'm in you.'

'Yes, you – mnnhn – you… look so attractive and hot when you're in me, too…'

'R-right?' I swallowed. His voice had a more lustful tone than a minute ago. It turned me on like there was no tomorrow.

I wanted to focus on his pants again and rip them off his body as soon as possible, but then, I felt Antonio was starting to tug on my pants as well. I gasped – I could feel his hand, sneaking down my back, giving soft but demanding jerks on the fabric of my pants.

'What are you doing?' I hastily asked, looking over my shoulder and trying really hard to hide my blushing face from him. 'For your information, Antonio – I'm the one in charge now, dammit. Surrender to my dominating hotness already!'

'Lovino,' Antonio slowly said, giving me a weird, but horny look and evilly ignoring what I just said, 'it's also been a while since the last time I sucked you off, right?'

'Yeah?' I scowled, sitting upright. 'S-so what? You can suck me off some other time. It's not a big deal.'

'Well, I… um, I have an idea. Please hear me out, okay?' Antonio stopped tugging on my pants, but his hand – and eyes – kept lingering on my butt anyway. Which was fine by me, because I knew I was pretty. Handsome, I mean. Pretty handsome. Yeah.

Still, I narrowed my eyes. 'What kind of idea?'

Antonio finally managed to tear his gaze off my ass and looked at me again, his face flushed and embarrassed, but also very determined.

'Lovi, do you remember that one time, when we tried to… umm…'

'When we tried to what?'

'…does… does the number 69 ring a bell?'

…

…

YES IT DID.

Oh god. I felt my lips were tightening themselves into a thin line and I felt shivers going up and down my spine as I remembered that… that weird, oh so very weird night, during our honeymoon.

We had actually wanted to do that infamous 69-position everybody always gets so tense and aroused (shut up, you know it's true) about. I'd suck Antonio off, and he, at the same time, would suck me off, and it would be good and sensual and kinky and strange and whatever, we just wanted to try it out, dammit, so we did.

Try, I mean.

Because in the end, we couldn't do it.

…

THAT'S RIGHT, ME AND ANTONIO ACTUALLY FAILED AT DOING A CERTAIN SEX-POSITION.

No way I was ever going to tell anybody about that failure. Man, I felt so ashamed, it wasn't even funny.

It's just… well.

It was so goddamn stupid and weird, we just couldn't stop cracking up during our attempts. I mean, I literally smacked my cock in Antonio's face. Multiple times. And Antonio constantly complained he didn't know what to do or where to look at when I hang above him like that. And Antonio just wouldn't get hard, because he was too occupied with chuckling about how utterly weird all of this was.

Of course, I shouldn't think too dramatically about all this, right? Because we both at least had a good laugh about it and because Antonio apparently hadn't done a position like this before, either.

WRONG.

HE HAD DONE IT BEFORE.

AND A LOT, TOO!

'But I've never done it with somebody I genuinely loved before, Lovino. And… ah, it's kind of silly!~ And not romantic or sexy at all,' he bluntly explained to me later, when I had asked him why he couldn't do it with me. 'Besides, you have a totally different body shape than most of my former bedpartners had, Lovi. You're a lot more squishy and softer, too!~'

'Are you saying that I'm FAT,' I had yelped in shock, and that was the last time we'd talk or even think about the evil number 69. I felt frustrated, but I didn't ask him to give it another go anymore. And Antonio, who apparently never was a huge fan of this particular sex-position, didn't talk about it either.

But now, it actually was Antonio who suggested we should try it out again.

…

Maybe… maybe that was a good sign?

'S-so…' I mumbled, gulping, but putting on a serious face right after, '…w-we should try it out again, you say?'

Antonio nodded. He looked serious about it as well. His fingers still poked at my pants.

'Won't we just burst into laughter again, though?' I frowned.

'No,' Antonio decidedly said. 'It isn't funny anymore.'

'Hell no – it's fucking nerve-wrecking! Not to mention self-esteem-wrecking. You… um…' I rubbed my neck and swallowed again, '…you want to do that now?'

Antonio opened his mouth to answer – and then we suddenly heard the sound of a hard thud outside the bedroom, followed by loud and almost suffocating crying.

\0o0/

'Someone fell,' Antonio said, snapping his head up.

'Someone fell hard,' I added, getting off him.

'Ah, no, that's not possible, is it?' Antonio said, laughing a bit. 'The corridor is full of soft carpets of the best quality! There's no way one of the kids could have fallen down hard.'

'Unless…' I felt my eyes growing, '…they fell off the stairs.'

'Yes, in that case, they'd…'

Antonio all of a sudden shut up and gave me a panicked stare.

I stared back at him, looking just as horrified, and immediately jumped off the bed, kicking open the door.

'I'll be with you in a sec!' I heard Antonio – who still needed to pull his pants back up, I guess – yell behind me, and then I dashed right through the (completely devastated, oh my GOD) corridor, only stopping when I saw Creepy and Dumb Kid, silently looking down the stairs.

'You two!' I gasped, getting down on my knees and shaking Creepy Kid back and forth anxiously. 'Where's… where's the third? The girl? Your little sister – where is she?'

He didn't have to answer me, for Moody Kid beat him to it.

'H-huuu… ah-huuuuu…'

…

It sounded like there was a little wolf howling on the stairs, to be honest, and I'll even be honest enough to admit I had to hold back my laughter when I heard her sort of funny way of crying (sorry, I'm so sorry, but huuuuu?). However, I instantly reverted back to the worried, serious daddy-person I was trying to pull off here when Moody Kid – thankfully she had only fell halfway the stairs – noticed me and decided to give the entire House a demonstration of her immensely powerful vocal cords.

'Uhhh... uhhh… bwhaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...hhhhh…WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!'

Holy fuck, that SOUND!

I still just couldn't STAND THAT AWFUL SOUND!

'Shit!' I cursed, covering my ears and cowering in horror.

The boys made a fearful face as well and mimicked me, blocking their ears and…

…repeating me.

'Shis!'

'Shiff!'

…

Well that wasn't very good.

If Antonio found out, ohhhhhh…

Wait, speaking of Antonio, where was he? What was taking him so long, dammit?

'Here I am!' Antonio's voice suddenly hollered through the big corridor, as if he had heard my thoughts, and his heroic shouting was followed up by some very quick footsteps. He didn't stop his hasty footwork when he noticed me, crouching in front of the stairs – nope, the poor bastard was in panic, so he kept speedwalking like nobody's business.

'Who fell down, Lovino? And where's the—OH! Did the girl fall off the stairs? Oh GOD!'

'Antonio, would you please calm down already?' I asked him like the huge hypocrite I was. 'It's okay, she fell off the stairs, yes, but she kind of stopped falling halfway, so you can—'

I abruptly shut up when Antonio, apparently too caught up in his own thoughts to hear me, raced past me and, after uttering a surprised little 'oh', stumbled off the stairs as well.

…

'Whaaaaaaaaa!' he yelled, as he tripped over his feet and rolled down, even passing Moody Kid in the process, who just stared at him like all of us stared at the weird, falling Spanish man, bouncing and bumping into things and finally, stopping against the huge, white-and-blue vase, strategically placed somewhere down the stairs.

Then there was a silence.

I shot up, pale as a sheet. 'A-Antonio! Are you still alive?'

He groaned loudly.

'I think… I think I broke my toenail… ahahahaha…'

And he passed out.

…

…

Oh brother.