Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia.

A/n1: I've got a very strange cat. You see, he tends to walk with me when I go walk the dog (that's correct, we have a cat and a dog, no wait, we even have two cats and a dog). He's weird as shit. Plus, he's mean. And evil.
BUT.
Not to kids.
My cat has his own fanclub/cult of kids. Our house is very close to some schools, so whenever the children walk by in the morning, they notice my cat and be all over him.
And when he's inside the house, they are ACTUALLY RINGING THE DOORBELL AND ASKING ME IF HE CAN COME OUT TO PLAY.
THEY WHISPER HIS NAME WHEN THEY PASS MY HOUSE. THEY WHISPER IT.
WHAT. THE HELL.
At least I now know to stay on my cat's good side when the revolution comes.

A/n2: I hate describing Antonio and Lovino fighting and nagging at each other for some (no doubt dumb) reason – that's why there hardly ever was a heavy argument between our two beloved dorks in Bottoms Up.
Still, in this fic and in this chapter, they will have a couple of arguments. It's probably because of their different personalities, some unresolved frustrations and the stressful lifestyle called 'parenthood'.

A/n3: Jean Piaget was one of the many, many pedagogues/psychologists that I had to learn about during my study. He thought many ways of how to explain a child's behavior and growth and development, and he was one of the greatest yadayada blahblahblah I thought he was boring as fuck.
But hey, he loved (learning about) kids, so here you go, a long and kind of deep quotation from mister Piaget.

~~ And Three Makes Five ~~

Chapter 16:

If you want to be creative, stay in part a child, with the creativity and invention that characterizes children – before they are deformed by adult society.
Jean Piaget
(Swiss psychologist, pedagogue and philosopher)

I told Antonio about the uneasy feelings I got, every time I thought about the strange explanation England had given us earlier.

It's just… something just didn't feel quite right about it, there were too many questions that still paddled on in my head and the fact that doctor Tosca was so strict and creepy about investigating the kids at our place didn't please me either.

'I think England's lying,' I told Antonio, as we walked back into the backyard (what, of course we eventually had to walk back to the backyard and actually look for the demon children, it's not responsible to leave those three nitwits on their own, dammit).

'You think so?' Antonio asked me, his voice sounding a bit worried.

I nodded and rubbed my arm. 'It just doesn't make sense. It's too easy. It's too weird. I think… I think England might be up to something no-good – and somehow, our bosses and doctors are forced to be involved in this as well…'

'Sweetie, I think you've watched too many scary movies and/or CSI episodes.' Antonio sighed and gave me a soft push. 'Really, Lovi, I don't mind it when you wake up in the middle of the night, demanding me to hold and comfort you because some silly TV show made you have a nightmare, but come on.'

'Th-that was only once!' I nagged, face on fire right away. 'And fuck if the Sixth Sense wasn't the fucking creepiest piece of terror I had ever seen!'

'It was just a movie, my love. It wasn't real.'

'But that kid! He saw dead people!'

'Yes, and we all know that can be kind of unpractical when you're trying to have a normal life and such.'

'You're mocking me.' I pouted and folded my arms, turning away a bit from Antonio. 'You asshole. You're my husband. You shouldn't mock me, you should fucking try and believe me.'

Antonio saw my (slightly exaggerated but fuck that) hurt posture and kablammo, guilt struck him like a lightning bolt would stuck a defenseless, metal scarecrow in the middle of an open field during an intense summer storm, especially when I started to look at my wedding ring with this absentminded, wise look on my face.

…

Shut up, I can totally pull that off.

Antonio was shocked, naturally, and he quickly wrapped his arms around me, pressing me against his oh so very hot and awesome and apologetic body.

'I'm sorry,' he softly said, burying his face in the crook of my neck, 'it's not like I don't believe you at all… it's just that I don't want to believe you.'

I made a face. 'Well, that's reassuring.'

'No, no, I don't mean it like that, it's… Lovi, it's a pretty scary thought you have there, don't you think so?' Antonio raised his head up and looked at me. 'Suggesting that England might have something creepy up his sleeve that has got our bosses and doctors involved… that's scary! But then I'd like to know – why kids, Lovino? Why would England pick kids to manipulate our bosses and doctors?'

'Um.' I blinked my eyes.

'Yes?'

'Something with… you know, a kid discount…'

'…what?'

'You know, kids always have these discounts on things like… amusement parks, and movies, and specific museums…'

'So?'

'Well.' I started twiddling with fingers, knowing a very lame answer was inevitable. 'So England's manipulating the bosses with… all the discounts you can get on kids.'

'Right…'

'So yeah. Imagine all the money that'll be spared when the kids get their discounts! When they're visiting… movies and… um, museums…'

And then I kind of stopped talking, because even I didn't know where the hell I wanted to go with this, and because Antonio was shaking and doing his very best to keep himself from bursting out in uncontrollable laughter.

BUT HE FAILED EPICALLY, BECAUSE I STILL HEARD HIM GIGGLING, DAMMIT.

'Pfffffrrt…'

'You're laughing.'

'M-movies… museums… all the discounts…'

'I will kick you if you don't stop.'

'And think of all the money that will be spared… 10 euros per kid for sure! Certainly! What a bargain! England will have the fate of poor, money-loving Europe in his hands with this wicked, money-saving plan!'

Antonio finally couldn't muffle his laughter anymore and within seconds, the whole garden was filled with his loud and annoying roaring (that's right, that wasn't laughing, that was roaring, like some kind of… of dying bull).

Thankfully, I knew to put an end to Antonio's downright mean behavior by tearfully—n-no, courageously calling him a heartless bastard, kicking him in the nuts and leaving him to squirm on the grass in agony all by himself, as I started looking for the kids.

\0o0/

Well, good thing the kids were about as bad at playing hide-and-seek as Antonio was at showing some goddamn sympathy, because I had found all the kids in the blink of an eye.

Moody Kid had hidden herself between the tomato plants (she even was holding in her breath so that her head would swell up like a giant red tomato, and now that I think about it, she did look a lot like a giant red tomato).

Creepy Kid had climbed up a three and was kind of difficult to find, until I started yelling that I had a nest filled with helpless little birds and a enormous rock, oh, what should I do with them, maybe I should use the rock for something unspeakable evil (shut up, maybe I did watch too many horror movies, so what). The sadist didn't know how fast to get out of that tree, and the look of pure disappointment and sadness on his face when he found out I had been lying was both pitiable and fucking disturbing.

And Dumb Kid…

…

Well, he was the first one I saw.

No, I didn't find him, I really saw him, because he was just standing there, in the middle of the grass field, holding a straw of grass in each hand.

…

…

Seriously, was he doing this on purpose, or was the kid really just that stupid?

I even decided to toy with him a bit by sneaking around him and saying 'ohhh, now where could that one boy have gone to, I don't see him anywhere, maybe he's become one with the grass', but I stopped doing that when Dumb Kid was actually beginning to get nervous ('but w-what if he finds me?') and I was scared he might piss himself from the sheer excitement of it all.

But anyway, I found all the kids, and now they were sitting in the grass with me, not really knowing what to do next.

So I tried to take advantage of this moment of peace and quietness to explain to them there was a creepy, evil lady coming, with a whole team of creepy men and women, that would do all kinds of suspicious tests and the like on them that would most likely hurt.

The three of them gave me horrified faces and spontaneously started crying.

…

H-huh? What did I do?

'Easy now, easy,' I then heard Antonio say out of nowhere – and there he was, suddenly flopping down next to me, pulling both Dumb and Moody Kid on his lap to soothe them.

'There, there. Nothing bad is going to happen to you, okay? Papa Toni promises you that he'll protect you from the bad stuff. Okay?'

Dumb and Moody Kid stared at him with big, watery eyes and nodded slowly.

Meanwhile, Creepy Kid looked fucking heart-broken and crawled over to Antonio, reaching out his little arms to him in a silent question.

'M-me, too… me…?'

'Ah, sorry, kiddo!' Antonio beamed a big smile at the boy. 'I have no more room for you!~'

…

Wh-what?

He said what now?

No more room for him?

Before Antonio and his (hopefully unintentional) meanness could smack down on the poor boy even more, I grabbed Creepy Kid's shirt from behind, pulled him into my arms and hugged him as tightly as I could.

I didn't even think about it – I just did it.

'It's alright, kid, it's alright, Papa Toni, he's just… just acting like a giant fucking shithead.'

Antonio immediately looked up, offended and confused. 'What? Why?'

I ignored him.

Creepy Kid didn't say anything – but he did grip my shirt and pressed his face into my chest.

'Don't worry. He's kidding! Of… of course he's kidding. He has room for you, too. Of course he has,' I tried to comfort him, stroking his back and mentally shooting glares like daggers and knives and motherfucking axes at Antonio.

Sadly, the idiot didn't get it.

'No, I really have no more room for him – why are you looking at me like that, Lovi? See, I'm already carrying two kids! And they're kind of heavy, so I don't think I can carry a third one... and… w-would you please stop giving me those killing eye-beams, Lovino!'

…

Now don't get me wrong.

I knew Antonio was just being slow, and I knew he didn't mean to come over like a total jerk, I knew, believe me, but my god, you should have heard the heart-and-ear-shredding wailing of Creepy Kid when he realized Antonio really wasn't going to hold him.

'W-what's the matter with him, what's wrong?' Antonio stammered, when he saw the kid was crying out loud now, and gripping me even more painfully.

'Ohh, nothing's wrong with him,' I hissed at him, patting Creepy Kid's head and never letting the intensity of my eyes lose their iciness, 'but there might just be something wrong with you, you dense piece of shit.'

'B-but I don't understand, wh-what did I… wait a minute, what did you call me?'

'A dense piece of shit! Do I need to spell it for you? A – dense – piece – of – S-H-I-T, Antonio, because that's what you fucking are!'

He narrowed his eyes and let go of Dumb and Moody Kid. 'Ah, so you're going to yell at me and call me names like the responsible adult you are, aren't you, Lovino?'

'I'm already doing it, you jackass!' I snapped back, releasing Creepy Kid.

Antonio snorted. 'Yeah, well, I don't really feel like sitting back and smile while you're doing that, you know, so you better apologize to me now, or I'll—'

'Or you'll do fucking what, bastard? Get violent? Well sure, go on right ahead!'

He frowned. 'Lovino, I'm not—'

'I'm not afraid of you,' I said in a low voice, and gave a firm tug to his shirt, 'I'll never be afraid of you and all the fucked-up personalities you have, and fuck, I wish you weren't afraid of yourself, too!'

'You…' Antonio gritted his teeth and clasped my shirt in-between his fists as well. '…you don't have the damn right to tell me what to do! You don't know anything!'

'I know enough!'

'You don't, you damn loner!'

I grimaced. 'Well, still better than being a sad excuse for a motherfucking psychopath!'

Antonio grunted. 'God, you're such a… an arrogant son of a bitch!'

'And you are a pathetic bastard!'

'You're an unwanted know-it-all!'

'You're an unwanted wreck-it-all!'

'Crybaby!'

'Manchild!'

'Second place!'

'Maniac!'

'Bedwetter!'

'Murderer!'

'And that's quite ENOUGH.'

Suddenly, both me and Antonio were harshly pulled away from each other by some guys in white suits. It happened so fast, I was still thinking of my next insult when doctor Tosca and her bouncy boobies appeared in front of me in all their bopping glory.

She gave me and Antonio – who still looked at me like some bloodthirsty warrior – a disappointed wag of her finger and sighed deeply.

'Gentlemen, gentlemen. Is this the way you should behave—'

'HE started it!' both me and Antonio shouted.

The doctor glared at us and adjusted her glasses.

'…how you should behave, in front of your children?'

Then she pointed to the kids, who were cowering together, shaking like a rattle and staring at us in fear.

Oh.

…

O-oh…

\0o0/

'It is very simple. My very competent team and I will perform a couple of tests or your kids, and we will give them a simple routine check-up to see if everything's alright with them. And we'll probably do some other stuff, too, but I'm not going to tell you anything about that. Our examination will probably take a few hours – and both you and your husband won't be allowed to be here when we'll execute our research. It's top secret.'

Doctor Tosca looked at Antonio and me in turns and frowned, scribbling something on a clipboard she was holding.

In the background, there was the sound of a huge, white, and, apparently, inflatable laboratory, that was quickly being prepared in the backyard. It looked absolutely ridiculous, but the kids were mesmerized by the giant balloon-thing and I simply didn't have the energy or guts to complain about it, so I just kept quiet and stared at the doctor.

'Any questions?' she said, and thoughtlessly rubbed her bloated belly.

Her bloated… wait a minute…

'Are you pregnant?' I heard myself say – and oh, how awkward and squeaky my voice sounded.

The unexpected question caught doctor Tosca off guard and she coughed a bit, nodding.

'Yes. I'm with child, mister Romano. Six months, I believe.'

'How wonderful!' Antonio said, also sounding weird. 'Congratulations! You and your husband must be happy!'

'Well, yes. We are.' She cleared her throat. 'It's a big step, though. And I never thought I'd be a mother one day. I hope I'll be a good one. It's not a job cut out for everybody, you know.'

'You're right,' I said, looking down and sighing. 'You're so very right about that…'

Antonio didn't say anything, although I noticed from the corner of my eye he was giving me quite some irritated looks.

'By the way, I crave for sex all day long,' doctor Tosca suddenly said.

'What?' Both me and Antonio snapped our heads back up to stare at the young brunette.

'Yeah,' she said, 'it's really unpractical, but I really, really want to have sex. Almost constantly. According to the bit of research I did, hormones have got something to do with it. So now, I wish to sleep with almost every moderately attractive man I see.'

She turned to look at Antonio, gnawing het lower lip.

'Did I ever mention how genetically perfect your jaws are, mister Spain?'

Antonio laughed awkwardly. 'M-my jaw, doctor Tosca?'

'Yes. Your jaws. They're perfect. So manly. I'd kill to give birth to a child in the possession of those perfect jaws.'

'U-um…'

'Are you free this afternoon?' She sucked on the back of her pen hopefully.

Whoa, whoa!

'HEY!' I snapped at the doctor, before taking a firm hold on Antonio's wrist and showing her his twinkling wedding ring. 'You see this? That means he's taken, lady! And so are you!'

'Let go,' Antonio coolly said, plucking my hand off his wrist.

I snorted. 'Like I wanted to hold on to you any longer, sucker.'

Meanwhile, doctor Tosca was groaning and roaming through her extremely unfeminine lady-bag (and she was supposed to be Italian?), before taking out a photograph of some sort…

…

…of a very old, naked lady, standing in a garden, watering some begonia's while grinning to the camera fanatically.

'I'm so sorry,' the doctor said, studying the photo as concentrated as she could muster, 'this is not me speaking, but the hormones. That's why I always carry this picture of my eccentric mother-in-law, in case I'm on the verge of doing something sexual and stupid. Ugh. Excuse me for flirting with you, mister Spain.'

'Oh, that's alright. I think.' Antonio reassured her. He still frowned, though.

'Well, that's under control. For now.'

Doctor Tosca put the disturbing picture away and scribbled something on het clipboard. Then she looked at me – only at me.

'If you'd just let me, I'd shake you out of those pants faster than you can say "let me think about it", mister Romano.'

'W-wha…?' I stammered.

'Ahahahaha, I don't think so,' Antonio calmly said, an entire snowstorm blowing into the doctor's face as he smiled at her.

'Sorry – I did it again, didn't I? How unprofessional. Forgive me.' She hastily took out the scarring photograph again and shuddered as her eyes followed every single curve on her mother-in-law's flabby body.

I took that opportunity to give Antonio a bored look.

'You really don't have to play the knight in shining armor here, dweeb. I can take care of myself just fine.'

Antonio looked around him. 'That's strange, it's like I hear a really annoying fly buzzing around my ears…'

I growled. 'Oh just go fuck yourself!'

'There it is again! Maybe I should swat it.'

'Yeah I'd like to see you try, shitface.'

'Gentlemen, please. I'd really like to start my investigation.'

Doctor Tosca uttered a frustrated sigh and rubbed her temples, her eyes partly closed. When she opened them (further) again, she eyed me and Antonio disapprovingly.

'Right. What's the matter with the two of you? You're both distracting me enormously, and unfortunately enough, that isn't only because I'd like to screw both of you – right here, right now.'

'We're having a fight,' Antonio matter-of-factly explained, not even responding to doctor Tosca's perverted confession. 'I'm not even sure what I did, but apparently, I've done something to upset him.'

'He doesn't know shit, because his head has a little brain-eating cicada in it. And it's hungry,' I haughtily said.

'You know what – forget what I said, I really couldn't care less what's the matter with you two. Just go. Both of you – go. You get on my nerves, in many, many ways.'

'Fine,' Antonio gruffly said.

'The sooner, the better,' I nodded as well.

I wanted to stomp off, in a complete other direction than Antonio, just to fuck with him, when doctor Tosca suddenly called us back.

'Wait, wait! I've forgotten to ask you one last, important question that I need to know.'

Antonio rolled his eyes, but turned to the doctor anyway.

'What is it, dammit?' I asked Breastca- sorry, I mean Tosca, not even trying to be polite anymore.

'The names.'

Doctor Tosca's brown eyes looked at me emotionlessly.

'Please tell me what the names of your and mister Spain's children are, mister Romano.'

…

Um…

…names?