Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia.

A/n1: Some of you have begun thinking of theories concerning the kids. Ah, I think it's great to see that! ^^ Go on, muse all you want! I like it!
Also, I need to make a shout-out to the lovely miss kitkatkatee, who made a few lovely drawings of Luisa, Alejo and Matteo! Check out her fanfiction profile for more info!

A/n2: Prepare yourself for a very… awkward chapter concerning Lovi's little problem (you'll find out soon enough what problem) and Luisa's weird fascination for things connected to poop and pee. Just to let you know though, kids of Luisa's age are very much crazy about all the things Freud has warned you about (well, I dare to say I doubt sons want to have sex with their moms and kill their dads, but still).
Anyway, young kids LIKE poop and pee. My brother, for example, liked peeing into little cans while he was still a toddler and he always showed everyone in the house what great accomplishment he had made afterwards. Nowadays, he most of the time just pisses on the toilet seat. But hey, at least he doesn't brag about it anymore!
Plus, here in the Netherlands, we have Page Plus, a brand of toiletpaper. The more you know!~

A/n3: At the tender age of 18, mister Remarque became a WW1 soldier. Like most boys of his age, he didn't really had a choice. He got injured and spent the rest of the war in an army hospital. After the war, he wrote the classic "Im Westen nichts Neues" ("All Quiet on the Western Front") about the extreme mental and psychical stress the German soldiers had to endure during the war. He was against war, any kind of war, and therefore a certain German called Hitler didn't think it would inspire lots of people to fight in a new, upcoming war. It also wasn't really nationalistic of Remarque to just diss war like that, so Hitler had his books banned and burned.
Still, the book and the movie that was made based on it, was a huge success, criticizing war and pointing out the horrors of it. Too bad we still don't seem to have learned much from it.

~~ And Three Makes Five ~~

Chapter 24:

We are forlorn like children and experienced as old men, we are crude and sorrowful and superficial – I believe we are lost.
Erich Maria Remarque
(German author and soldier)

I woke up pretty damn early the next morning. I think it wasn't even six o'clock yet when I opened my eyes and instantly realized I had done something wrong last night.

I just didn't remember what it exactly was that I did wrong. I only knew that I'd be fucking upset if Antonio would do to me what I had done to him.

But yeah.

It's kind of troublesome if that's the only thing you knew about last night.

…

Fuck.

I drowsily blinked my eyes and rolled back onto my back, frowning. Now what could have possibly happened last night that would cause me to feel this fucking guilty? Was it because I acted like an arrogant bitch towards Antonio? Yeah, that was definitely possible… but still, I didn't think that was the reason.

Hm.

Hmmm.

Okay, what was the last thing I remembered about yesterday night? Let's see…

I remember I was talking about my worries and shit with Antonio. And then Antonio tried to comfort me with his butt. Which was neither successful nor unsuccessful. Then he suggested we should have sex, for it would calm my mind, and started sucking my neck.

And at first I was like "yeah we could do that, perhaps" but then he made clear he expected me to fuck him, and then I just didn't feel like having sex at all anymore, dammit, because right then, I'd rather have his dick up my ass.

I guess it just feels very nice to have his dick up my ass. I mean, I wouldn't want it if I didn't think it felt nice, right?

Anyway…

Antonio got horny, I didn't, Antonio wanted to have steamy sex, I only wanted to kiss and cuddle and shit, I think, and then he asked me if I was alright with the sex, and I lied and nagged that I was, dammit, and then he said he needed to piss.

So he went to take a piss.

And I stayed behind on the bed, grossing myself out with unnecessary mental images, and then I…

…

I fell asleep.

…

…

I fucking fell asleep.

Oh my god.

I fell asleep?

Just like that? I didn't need Antonio to hold me or something? I thought I was an insomniac? And why am I putting question marks behind these sentences? These are facts, not mere wonderings?

Oh GOD.

I can't believe I just fell asleep while Antonio was peeing and probably preparing himself for a good time. Man, I didn't even want to think about how sad he must have looked when he came out of the bathroom and saw me, snoring away.

I mean, I know I would have flipped the batshit out and kick his sleepy ass if he did something like that to me, but knowing Antonio, he presumably only made this mournful "oh well…" face and just jerked himself off on the toilet or something, maybe, very spitefully, not even thinking about me while doing that.

And afterwards he'd have gone back to bed, turning his back to me like a disappointed wife would after a very bad sex-experience, and mope away until he'd finally fall asleep.

I made a gasping sound and turned my head to watch Antonio.

Antonio's back, I mean.

…

SHIT HE HAD ACTUALLY INDEED TURNED HIS BACK TO ME.

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck, I fucked up.

Shit.

\0o0/

Would he… be awake?

'A-Antonio?' I stammered – GOD my throat was dry – and softly poked his back.

I didn't expect him to be awake, since that man pretty much represented the word "siesta" in its human form – but much to my surprise, he abruptly turned over, smiling weakly at me.

'Good morning, sweetie… ah, you're up early…'

He yawned and rubbed his eyes, and I only stared at him. Until I decided to say something, of course.

'I-I'm sorry.'

'For what?' Antonio asked, still smiling that nice, sweet, fucking smile of his.

'You know for what!' I rasped. 'I totally fell asleep on you last night, dammit!'

'Ah yes, you did,' he simply said.

I didn't know what to say in response to this breezy, nonchalant reaction, so I went back to staring at him and wondering what to say.

'You were tired,' Antonio said, when he noticed my flabbergasted face, 'too tired. At first I thought you'd have enough energy to have sex with me and fall asleep in a somewhat more peaceful, after-sex glow, but when I saw the way you squinted your eyes when I mentioned you should make love to me – and your kisses were pretty lame, too – I already knew you probably didn't feel like having sex.'

'It didn't stop you from carrying on, though,' I snorted.

'Well, you kept saying you were fine with it, and – let's be honest here – I was already hard, so I tried to believe you. But then I thought, "wouldn't that be some kind of rape?" and that scared me enough to feel I had to go to the bathroom.'

'Your way of thinking always manages to amaze me,' I chuckled.

Antonio was relieved to see me smile and sighed, smiling a little bit broader. 'Ahh, well, thank you! I think. Well, anyway, I decided to go to the bathroom, and there, I had an inner fight. With myself.'

'No shit.'

Antonio ignored me. 'I was thinking I should hurry up, so that we could have some sex, but I was also thinking to take my sweet time so you could fall asleep. But then I thought you had insomnia and needed me to fall asleep, and that I probably should hurry up and help you fall asleep already. But if I needed to hold you, I'd want to have sex with you. So yeah, I had a lot of dilemma's I had to think about, before I finally realized I had been hanging out on the toilet for almost a half hour. Of course, when I returned, you were sound asleep.'

'Ah.' I muttered, fiddling with a pillow. 'Weren't you… disappointed?'

'Hmm, not really…' Antonio yawned again, then wiggled closer to me. 'I was more disappointed about the fact you didn't tell me you didn't want to have sex.'

I firstly wanted to protest, but that would be just too damn stupid and moronic, even for me. So I just felt my face heat up and looked away from Antonio, embarrassed.

'I-I just didn't want to keep you from having sex with me.'

'Well, that's stupid.'

'Hey!' I nagged – but shut up instantly when I saw this serious look in his eyes, glowing in the watery morning sun.

'You should be honest with me. I'm you husband, right? That means you trust me enough to tell me you don't want something from me. Don't go with the flow just to do me a favor – that's not romantic. And it isn't very good for your self-esteem, either.'

'You're fucking overreacting,' I mumbled.

'I'm not.' Antonio put a hand on one of my arms and rubbed it. He sure felt nice and warm.

Upon feeling that hand, I suddenly felt like holding it – so I hesitantly reached out my hand to connect it with his, and I couldn't hide a blush when I heard our rings ticking together. Such a cheesy, cutesy sound, dammit, such a stupidly feminine thing to do – I mean, it probably would have been better if the both of us had been born as women, because lesbians doing this kind of sugary shit made a lot more sense to me than two buff, sexy men.

'H-hey, Antonio?' I suddenly muttered.

'Hmmmm?' He raised his eyebrows a little.

'I…' I paused and bit my lower lip. 'I kind of want you.'

Antonio grinned, pleasantly surprised, and took a better hold of my hand. 'Ah, you kind of want me, Lovi? In what way?~'

'In all possible fucking ways, you… you ass.' I frowned deeply and felt my cheeks were growing hotter. No matter how many times I spend time with that man, my body and blood would never get used to him, his body or his many different smiles. I'd always react on all of Antonio in the most embarrassing, humiliating way, because I still found it hard to believe he was mine.

All of him – all mine.

I'm just saying I was very fucking happy with that, dammit.

'You're making me feel all kinds of shit,' I breathed out all of a sudden.

'So you're feeling better, my love?' Antonio smiled at me and pressed a soft kiss on my cheek.

'Yeah,' I nodded, sighing and closing my eyes. 'And so are you.'

Because he did feel a lot better than yesterday night. I mean, at least I now wanted him to completely ravish me – not kick him off me and tell him to fuck off. I felt a lot calmer, I had rested a bit, Antonio was being Antonio… all was well.

'We could, you know…' Antonio kissed my cheek again, but now he kept on kissing my face until his lips were right next to my ear, '…have a little bit of sex, if you want to…'

I chuckled and shivered at the same time. 'A little bit of sex, huh?'

'Sure, why not?' Antonio softly pushed me on my back and – hop – rolled right on top of me, his eyes gentle, but determined.

'Why just a little bit of sex?' I smirked at him and wrapped my arms around his neck. 'Why not a lot of sex? It's not even past six already – I think – so we could have a bit more sex then just a little. You know, before the kids wake up and ruin the magic and stuff.'

Antonio laughed and moved one of his knees up, and up, and even further up, until it was pushing against my groin in a very nice way.

'You'll have to keep your voice down, though,' he said, slowly undoing the buttons of my shirt – I never understood why PJ-shirts needed to have buttons, but I guess now I know: it's because it's damn sexy to let someone else open your shirt before the deliciously nasty would ensue.

'I can keep my voice down,' I said – and then, in a lower voice, '…well, at least I can try.'

I gave a playful lick to his chin, just to fuck around with him, and damn if that flushed reaction of his wasn't the most wonderful thing since attachable mustaches.

'On second thought,' Antonio groaned, slipping his hand from my stomach into my pants, 'maybe I don't want you to muffle your moans… maybe I… uh… hmm?'

Very unexpectedly, Antonio stopped talking and pressing kisses down my face and partly exposed chest to look… down there. He even very not-sexily pulled down my pants to get a better look of… you know, that.

Oh what the fuck am I acting shy about – he stared at my cock, alright? My big, fat cock. There. I've said it.

…

…

Um.

Now I liked the way he worshipped my dick, really. I liked the fact he never seemed to get his eyes off it when he saw the opportunity to gaze at it and oh how nice it was when he did stuff with it, but come on – stopping during the middle of foreplay to fucking stare at it?

That was just rude, dammit!

'What are you doing?' I therefore asked, rather annoyed with his weird action.

Antonio lifted a hand, signaling "just a moment" – at me with it, before he finally looked away from my manly manliness and sought contact with my eyes again.

'Enjoyed yourself?' I huffed, too irritated to be embarrassed. 'You could make pictures of it if you want to observe it so damn badly, you know. You could even make an entire "Lovino's Adorable Dick" photo album if you want to. Hell, you can even—'

'You're not erect, Lovi,' Antonio suddenly cut me off.

I spontaneously forgot what I was talking about and gaped at him, my mouth open.

'Excuse me?'

'Um…' Antonio let out a nervous laugh and pointed to my lower body. 'You… are very… flaccid.'

I wrinkled my forehead. Flaccid – yuck, that sounded disgusting wait was he telling me what I thought he was telling me?

'What are you trying to tell me?' I asked, just to be sure, squeezing my eyes almost shut.

'You still don't get it?' Antonio frowned. 'Lovino, your dick is very not-ready-to-go. Not erect. Not hard. Not throbbing. Not eager. Not… very… impressive, right now.'

I stared at him like he spoke in a foreign language.

'What?'

Antonio sighed and rolled off me. 'I'm not going to say it again, sweetie…'

'What?' I said again.

Antonio didn't even respond anymore, he just watched me in concern, as he noticed realization kicking into my mental system.

'Say what?' I then all of a sudden shrieked, and sat up, looking down there as well and oh my god.

'What is this!' I yelped, even poking my not-erection in a fruitless attempt to get it to do, well, something. 'Is this thing even mine? What the fuck's wrong with it!'

'I don't think anything's wrong with it,' Antonio said, also sitting up, 'I think you're just not able to get it up.'

HOW COULD HE SAY SUCH HORRIBLE THINGS LIKE HE WAS TALKING ABOUT THE WEATHER, DAMMIT!

I snapped my head towards him, my eyes big and frightened. 'I can't get it up? You mean, like never again?'

'Naaah…' Antonio, who was unreasonably calm in spite of all the horror-happenings, shuffled closer to me and kissed my shoulder. 'I think you're still too stressed, Lovi. You still have too much on your mind, I guess.'

'B-but…' I made a face and kept on looking (why the fuck did I keep on looking, dammit, it wasn't like it was going to spring back to life just because I was fucking gawking at it).

'Lovi, Lovi – stop staring at your dick with that long face, sweetie, it creeps me out.' Antonio gently grabbed my chin and turned it back to face him.

'I don't like it,' I blabbered, feeling tears pricking behind my eyes. 'Antonio, I don't like this.'

'I know you don't.' He smiled warmly at me and pulled me against him, hugging me.

'Mawby ah'm gwetting swick,' I mumbled into his shirt.

'You're not. You're just anxious, tired and stressed, I think. That's not very good for your libido, you know?'

I looked up at him, now not even caring anymore I was on the verge of crying.

'B-but why can you still get it up, dammit! You're just as stressed out as I am – and yet you're having a fucking lamppost down your pants!'

Antonio blushed and closed his legs. 'I-I'm different than you! Every man's different! And it's not like I'm a erection-champ – I couldn't get it up for weeks when I was at war with my South American colonies, England and the Netherlands back then!'

'Oh,' I muttered.

'You just need to have some peace of mind, that's all.' He took my face in his hands and wiped away some escaped tears. 'Ah, and I thought having sex would calm you down… I didn't know you'd be this upset, though. I'm so sorry, Lovi…'

'No, I'm sorry.' I sniffled. 'I'm being a huge cock-block.'

'Well, at least you're a good-looking cock-block.' He smiled playfully at me.

'Shit, don't act all understanding and cute, dammit…' I wanted to push his face away, but it still came very close, and in the end I didn't push him away from me when he pressed a kiss on my lips.

'It's okay. No pressure.' He kissed me some more. 'Just take some more rest from now on, Lovino, and relax. Don't panic, don't think unnecessary thoughts, don't feel like you're going to lose me if you're not getting it up – just take it easy and rest.'

'Y-you're way too sweet, dammit…' I managed to croak out in-between the many, maaaaaany kissed he gave me, '…w-way too – ngh – sweet, dammmhng…'

'I love you, Lovi…' Antonio mumbled, pressing me against him hard, '…don't you forget that, okay? I love you, I love, love, love you…'

I made a weird, strangled sound in the back of my throat, because god, there MUST BE a LIMIT to that guy's CUTENESS, and I wanted to hug him back and shove my tongue into that darling mouth of his to kiss the hell out of him for being such an adorable stud…

…and then we heard this soft thud against the bedroom door.

\0o0/

Well, now that the ambiance was carefully getting a bit better again, despite of Little Lovi, that bitch called Destiny decided we needed to be disturbed. You know, before the severed mood would accidentally become totally good and sexy.

Still, Antonio and I had gotten kind of used to getting interrupted all the time by now, so we didn't do more than utter a slightly frustrated groan before letting go of each other.

'You heard that thud?' Antonio asked.

'I heard that thud,' I said.

'Probably one of the kids.'

'Or a murderer or something.'

Antonio grinned and poked me. 'Well – are you going to open the door or should I do it?'

'I'll go, I'll go.' I fixed my PJ's a bit and slid out of bed. 'You did more than enough already, so… y-yeah.'

I heard Antonio chuckle softly, but I didn't catch what he said after that, because by then I had opened the door – and a small kid was rolling on my feet all of a sudden.

'Luisa,' I said, upon recognizing those big, angry eyes looking up at me in bewilderment. 'What's the matter, baby?'

She didn't answer me, she just stared at me for a little while and then suddenly got up from the floor, looking around her like she was on an entire different planet or something.

'H-huh?' she mumbled, rubbing her eyes.

I wondered what the flying fuck she was doing – was it a game, did I have to play along with her or something – until doctor Tosca's words came back to mind. Luisa was a sleepwalker. Judging her confused reaction, she probably didn't even have a clue how she had gotten here in the first place.

'Who is it?' I heard Antonio's voice from behind us.

'It's Luisa,' I called back. 'I think she wants to sleep with us.'

'Wha!' Luisa instantly snapped her head back up at me, her face red and embarrassed. 'No! No no no!'

She even stamped her feet, you know, for making her 'no!'s' very clear here. Surely she didn't want to sleep with us! She didn't want to lie in the same bed as us, dammit! She'd be safe and warm and in-between her dads and she absolutely didn't need or want that at all!

…

Yeah like hell.

So naturally, I just ignored her weird experimental Riverdance-performance and swiftly picked her up from the ground. She mewled a little and stammered a few more 'no!'s', but when she noticed I wasn't going to fucking buy it anyway, she begrudgingly allowed me to carry her over to Antonio.

'There you go,' I said, putting her down on the mattress and crawling bed into bed myself as well, 'find yourself a nice spot and go to sleep for a few more hours, Luisa. It's still very early in the morning.'

'Oh my god,' Antonio gasped, all riled up, 'she looks so cute when she has that sleepy, frowny face! Aww, don't you just look exactly like your Papa Lovi!~'

'No!' Luisa spat at him, and made an attempt of kicking him in the face.

Of course, that didn't stop Antonio – who had quite some experience when it was about handling angry, mean young kids that actually wanted nothing more than being hold and loved – from grabbing her and squishing her against him, cooing about how lovely she was.

'You're such a doll! Such a pretty, lovely princess! Aww! You're like a cherry-tomato, my cute little Lulu!~'

'N-no, no…' Luisa blabbered, desperately fighting and protesting against the sudden but not completely unwanted invasion of her personal space.

As for me, I sat next to them and silently watched Luisa slowly giving in to Antonio, just like I had eventually given in to him. And I smiled, running a hand through my hair.

'Calling her Lulu already, aren't you.'

'Of course!~' Antonio beamed a big smile at me as Luisa's pounds grew weaker and softer. 'You're Lovi, she's Lulu and the boys and Teo and Allie!'

'Goddammit, you've actually thought about it, too!'

'You know me.' Antonio's smile was a lot more gentle now. 'I nickname the people I care about, sweetie. Does it… um, bother you?'

'If it is about my brother, your stupid, perverted friends or some completely unknown strangers, yes. Yes, I'm bothered as fuck. I mean, you're so damn easy and affectionate when it's about making friends, it sometimes angers me. Or it makes me jealous.'

I slid closer towards him and Luisa – who now, by the way, had accepted her defeat and embarrassedly let Antonio stroke her hair and face – and rested my chin on his shoulder.

'B-but our kids... they're... um.'

Antonio nodded understandingly. 'Our kids are a special case.'

'They are.'

'Well, that's good.'

'It is.'

'Shall we lie down as well, Lovi?'

'Okay.'

'Alright then.'

Antonio put Luisa down on the bed again, in-between the space that separated me and him from each other, and plopped on his back. Naturally, I followed his example and fell down on my back as well.

Now Luisa was the only person in the bed that was still sitting upright, and she gave me and Antonio pretty angry and confused looks. Like she knew what was expected of her, but didn't plan to obediently lay herself down as well, dammit, because whoa, we might like her some more if she just went with the flow, and for some stupid reason that I knew very well, that would be horrible.

So to speed up the process, I just grabbed the fabric of her nightgown and pulled her down, like zooooom, and all of a sudden she lie on her back.

'You're cute,' I smiled at her puffy, annoyed face as she glared at me, 'a bit exhausting, yes – but cute. Papa Lovi likes you very much.'

'And so does Papa Toni!~' Antonio grinned, gently caressing Luisa's face with the back of his hand.

'Oh.' Luisa's frown got somewhat less intense. She did still look rather uncertain of what to do with this situation.

'Well, I don't know what you're up to,' I said, suppressing a big yawn, '…but I think I'm going to sleep for a few more hours.'

'Sounds like a plan, yes,' Antonio agreed – and lifted himself up a bit, moved himself closer to me and pressed a kiss on my lips.

Because he was practically hovering above Luisa as he all of a sudden manhandled me like that (I mean come on, at least say something of a warning before you go kissing people like that), I immediately pushed him away (while hissing 'You pervert, n-not in front of the kid!') and looked at our daughter.

'Kissing papa's,' she said, making a disgusted face. 'Gross.'

Antonio blinked with his eyes and then burst out in a soft fit of giggles and chuckles ('Oh my god so cute cute cute!~').

'It's normal that your papa's kiss each other, though,' I told Luisa in the meantime, huffing and wiping my mouth. 'You know what would be bad? If your papa's didn't kiss each other at all. That would be awful.'

'Stupid,' Luisa responded.

'You're stupid,' I said.

'No, you,' Luisa said.

'No no no – you.'

'No no no no no no! You!'

'You, you, you, a thousand times you!'

'You're poop!'

'What the hell?' I stared at her – and noticed she was grinning.

'You're a stinky, fat poop,' she repeated.

'Well then you're Page Plus!'

'Wha's that?'

'Toiletpaper.'

'Ewwwwwww!'

Luisa now was actually laughing and giggling out loud. And I just looked at her and didn't know why the fuck she thought it was that hilarious to have this conversation about us being pieces of shit and toiletpaper, apparently…

…but I loved the fact she opened up to me.

'Loviiiii…' Antonio groaned, '…would you and Luisa quit it out, please! You're grossing me out!'

'You!' Luisa instantly turned to face Antonio and pricked her finger into his eye ('Ouch!'), 'You're… you're pee!'

'Whaaaaa?' Antonio pouted. 'Lulu, I don't want to be pee!'

' You're pee! Peeeeeeee!'

'Yeah, she's right, you're totally pee,' I nodded.

'But that's disgusting!'

'Hey, you can't always choose what you want to be in life!'

…

You know, I could keep telling you all about this interesting conversation, but let's just say it went on and on and on, until Luisa finally fell asleep.

And there was much rejoicing.

Really.