Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia.

A/n1: Happy Holidays, everybody! I wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy 2014! 8DDDDDDDD

A/n2: Talking about Christmas: does anybody know a good anime-serie that I could check out during Christmas? It's just around the corner and I'm afraid I might bore myself to death, unless a cool anime frees me from watching reruns of Home Alone 1 and 2 (for the umpteenth time) with my lounging grandparents, annoying brothers and busy parents. Not that I don't like hanging out with my family – I just want to amuse myself a bit more this Christmas!
I like romantic and comedic anime-series, but I don't like animes with too much blood or scary shit in it. Also, no sexy harems. I despise sexy harems. Shiny half-naked girl-bodies aren't much appreciated by yours truly, they all look alike and it makes me want to roll my eyes when a girl throws herself at the feet of the extremely nerdy, uninteresting main character.
So… suggestions, anybody?

A/n3: I'm thinking about posting a NedLiech-fic, as some sort of Christmas gift to you all! ^^ I've already written it, I'm just not sure if people are actually willing to read it, since it's such a strange pairing.
Should I… post it, around Christmas Day?

~~ And Three Makes Five ~~

Chapter 30:

When kids hit 1 year old, it's like hanging out with a miniature drunk.
You have to hold onto them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit.
Johnny Depp
(American actor, film producer and musician)

By the time the kids were finally asleep, Antonio and I were too pooped out to go and have sex anyway (but not here, somewhere else, of course, we wouldn't go and have sex in the same room as the kids were – don't think those sick thoughts, you freaks), and besides, there were three children sprawled out over us, so leaving the bed would cause us to wake up at least one kid.

So we lay in bed with upside-down smiles and made sobbing noises without actually sobbing, although it was pretty fucking hard to tell the difference.

'I don't know how long I can go on like this,' Antonio softly said, groaning. 'I think that if I hadn't dry-humped you in the kitchen this evening, I had passed away tonight.'

'From lack of sex?' I asked.

'I don't know…' Antonio mused. 'But I really want to touch you a lot more lustful than I'm doing now. Now, I constantly need to control myself. The slightest hint of a hand wandering a bit too close to your bottom or something makes the kids think we're perverts.'

'We are, though.'

'Sure,' Antonio snickered. 'But they shouldn't be aware of that.'

'So what are you suggesting, then?' I yawned and awkwardly stretched out an arm.

'Well… why don't we go out someday this week, and spend the night at a hotel? We can have all the sex we want in there, and there won't be any children hopping around!'

'Okay,' I slowly said, 'that… that sounds good, yes. But what about the kids?'

'We'll ask someone to babysit them.'

'Like who?'

'Francis?'

'Oh no.' I tried to glare at him. 'I'm not letting that rapist watch our kids. He'll fucking molest them!'

'He is a father now, Lovi – and during the meeting, he told me how much his attitude has changed ever since Desiree came into his life. He's very good with kids, too!'

'Why can't we ask Femke? I trust her. She's the only sane nation I know, dammit. She's probably great with children as well.'

Antonio laughed bitterly. 'You're forgetting Femke has a life now, Lovi. A sex life.'

'Oh, yeah.' I wrinkled my nose. 'Lucky bitch.'

'What other, normal, reasonable options do we have left, then?'

'…'

'…'

'Um…'

'Nmmm…'

'Fuck it, I don't know.'

'I do have a suggestion.'

'Is it a good suggestion?'

'…if only I knew.'

\0o0/

'Veee, of course Luddy and I don't mind babysitting your kids while you two go out and screw each other senseless in some big and expensive hotel!~'

If I could have done it without looking like a total moron, I'd have stared at my cell phone with this blank, emotionless look on my face. My younger, sex-loving brother had no shame whatsoever, but I apparently had gotten used to it a bit by now, since I didn't even feel the slightest need to rant at him. You know, after all these centuries. Or whatever the crap our age was.

'So you'll do it?' I finally said. 'Great. Thanks a lot, Feliciano. You have no idea how much this means to me. And Antonio, for all that matters.'

'But I do!' Feliciano giggled. 'I understand it perfectly! Veee… Lovi, Luddy and I are also barely getting any action! We are lucky that Gil and Mattie want to look after Mimi every now and then, because otherwise, we'd be very, very sad.'

'Okay.'

'Sex is good for you, after all!~'

'It is.'

'Um… aren't you feeling uncomfortable with me saying all these things? That's disappointing.'

'Aren't you feeling way too fucking disappointed because I'm not uncomfortable with you saying shit, dammit?'

'That's more like it!' Feliciano laughed heartily. 'Anyway, when do you need me and Luddy to come over to your place? I have lots of free time now! You name a day, and we'll be there! We'll bring Mimi with us, too!'

Name a day. Hm. That was a good question of my sometimes mentally-handicapped brother. I asked him to wait for a second and turned to Antonio, who had been feeding Matteo some breakfast – Matteo could do it on his own just perfectly, but he had used his evil manipulation-powers to mind control Antonio and changed the Spaniard into this cooing, flailing, dopey person that happily fed him motherfucking jellybeans. Matteo would be bouncing through the roof before lunchtime, dammit.

'Antonio,' I started unceremoniously, 'Feliciano says he's willing to babysit our demon children. When can they come over?'

'Right away,' Antonio instantly said, without looking like he had snapped out of his sugary daze although his answer proved that he really had. 'The sooner, the better.'

I clenched my phone. 'R-really, now.'

'Not "really". Absolutely.' Antonio gave me a single look and I nearly fucking swooned, for fuck's sake.

'A-a-alright,' I muttered, almost dropping my phone, and gulped before I went back to the conversation I had with Feliciano.

'F-Feliciano? Is… is tonight okay?'

\0o0/

Tonight wasn't okay, because that meant Feliciano and Germany had to leave their House at once – and for some stupid reason, that was impossible. Antonio suggested we could go out on Sunday instead. That way, he'd have time to make some reservations for a nice hotel (cinema theatre included and everything!) and it would really be, like he said it, "something special".

…

I-I liked special, dammit.

So Sunday it was. Feliciano was okay with that and promised me he and his weird little family would come over at 8 o'clock. He also advised me that Antonio and I should prepare ourselves for a nice night, filled with love and anal sex.

Anal se…

…yes Feliciano, thank you very much for that. Love and anal sex. Lovely. We'd try to keep it in mind. You know, in case the unbearable sexual tension between the two of us would make us forget about the love and anal sex.

Which meant that Antonio and I would be going out this week, just like we used to do back in the days, when we didn't have kids ruining the sexy times for us.

Wait a minute, we've never really gone out, we usually just went to his House or mine and started... fucking away. And then we'd do it again. And then we'd have something to eat. And then we'd sex some more. Such a nice, tight… schedule. Yes, schedule.

…

…

Well, then this would be a nice opportunity to officially go out! For the first time in history, Spain and South Italy would go out together, like a real date, like it was supposed to be.

Awesome!

Hopefully, it didn't turn out disastrous.

\0o0/

Deciding to go out on a Sunday was the best thing we probably had done this week, because now we could prepare the kids for their crazy uncle Feli and stern uncle Germ-Germ (oh my god, that one cracked me up) in peace, without having to rush things half-heartedly.

So on a Sunday morning, when the demon children were playing outside in the garden, we once again reminded them about the fact that their dads were going to go out on a date tonight.

'Whatcha gonna do?' Matteo asked us critically, frowning as he took a break from digging up the buried cars in his mini-garden slash graveyard.

'Papa Lovi and I are going to have some fun tonight,' Antonio shamelessly answered him, as he sat himself down on the swing he had installed to one of our trees. 'You know, the… kind of fun parents have when there are no kids around.'

'Thin ice,' I hysterically signaled at him from the slide, where I was standing with Alejo – but Antonio just took that as me mouthing "Love you" at him, which caused him to fling his arms in the air and cry out 'I love you too, sweetie!~', ignoring the disgusted face Luisa made in response to that.

'So…' Alejo started as I put him on top of the slide, '… Papa Toni and you are going to do fun things, yea?'

'…yes,' I carefully answered.

'Can I come with you?' Alejo grinned at me in that pleading way kids always grin when they want something from you.

I didn't work on me (this time), though.

'No, you and your siblings need to stay home and make sure your stupid uncles don't eat all the food we've stashed in.'

'Are they nice?' Alejo asked, followed by a loud 'WHEEEEEEEEE!' as he slid off the slide.

'They are,' I nodded. I thought it over a bit longer – and smiled. 'Yeah, they're really nice. You'll like them. By the way, don't act like you haven't met them before – you saw them in that big building the other day!'

'Yes!' Antonio helped, now swinging back and forth on the swing with an absurdly high speed, 'they were that cute guy that looks a lot like your Papa Lovi and that scary muscular guy! They have a daughter – your cousin Mimi!'

'I dun't liek Mimi,' Matteo grumbled while pouting.

'Hey!' Luisa suddenly nagged at Antonio. 'Stop! You're going too fast, dammit! You'll get hurt – uhh, I mean, you'll break the swing! Get off!'

'I can't hear you, Lulu! I'm swinging really loud!'

'Cool! My turn! I wanna go on the swing, I wanna go!' Alejo had forgotten about the slide and now ran towards the swing spot, where all the swinging and dancing and popping and locking and raving happened.

…

I'm not even sorry.

Matteo also thought the swing was way cooler than unearthing the dead wrecks of his cars, so Antonio was forced to slow down – you know, because he didn't want to send a kid flying out of the garden. Of course, it wasn't very smart of him to protest against leaving the sacred swing, because he was instantly attacked by three very dangerous midgets.

'Nooooo!' Antonio laughed, falling off the swing, covered in kid. 'Lovino, help me! They are all over me!'

I looked at him and smirked wickedly.

'Tonight, I'll be.'

It's needless to say Antonio's face instantly flushed and his eyes widened. Also, he suddenly lost the ability to move his limbs. Thanks to these handy physical errors, he stopped teasing the kids, fell down on the dirt and tadaaah – flawless victory for the demon children, that now tried to mount the swing en masse.

'My turn – ow! That's my foot!'

'No, I was here first, dammit!'

'I wanna play on the schwwwwing too…'

'Y-you…' Antonio muttered to me as I helped him off the ground with that smug smile still stuck on my face, '…Lovino, you shouldn't say those things when the kids are present!'

'You started it, dammit,' I huffed, keeping an eye on the kids, 'with your sly comment about all the "fun" we are going to have tonight.'

He chuckled and dusted himself off. 'Well, we will, won't we?~'

'You bet we will.'

'Great.' Antonio moved himself next to me and sneaked a hand around my waist. 'I can't wait, my love…'

I blushed when I noticed this disgustingly tender look on his face and wanted to say something that was at least twice as disgustingly tender, when Matteo and Alejo pulled on my pants' legs and looked up to me with two very sad, very red, very snotty faces.

'Pwapwa… Luisa kicked me… uaaaaaaahhhhhh…' Matteo whined.

'I wanna get a nosebleed from it but the blood doesn't come…' Alejo lamented.

'Goddammit,' I sighed, picking the bawling boys up, pushing them in Antonio's arms and stomping over to the swing (all in one movement), 'Luisa! Now what did I tell you about kicking your brothers in the face!'

'You can't get me!' Luisa shrilly cried out. Then she started to move her body in all possible directions while she sat on the swing. 'I swing faster than all of you dipshits! Hahahahaha!'

Antonio and I stared at the sad progress she made on the swing, barely moving back or forth at all while laughing hard, like a fugitive that made a successful escape from the cops.

'You'll never get me! Neverrrrrrrr!'

'Our kids are so very weird,' I finally managed to say.

'They are,' Antonio said with a smile, running a hand through Matteo's hair in an attempt to cheer him up, 'and I wouldn't want them any other way.'

I smiled as well. 'Neither would I.'

\0o0/

After scolding Luisa, playing in the garden, watching television, nagging at Peeping Rosita ("Your cat keeps shitting in our garden – make him stop that or I'll tell Alejo Don Donaldo is his new voodoo-doll!"), hanging up drawings the kids made for me and Antonio, taking a nap, shouting at the kids to stop shouting, preparing dinner, having dinner, cleaning everything up and putting the kids in and out of bath…

…I finally found some time to take a shower and decide what to wear tonight.

While Antonio and the kids were downstairs, waiting for Feliciano and Germany to appear, I – completely naked except for a towel covering the Golden Parts, because why not – opened my drawer and looked at my clothes critically.

Okay, so I was going on a date, and it had to be the best fucking date ever. What should I wear on a night like this?

Hm.

Hmmmmmmm.

…

Dammit, why did I only have shitty clothes that I already wore like three thousand times or so? So boring, dammit! I should have spent a bit more money on my wardrobe and a bit less on stuff for kids!

I sighed and took out some dark blue jeans that were kind of okay. Yeah, they were casual. Going for casual is always a good thing, I suppose. And if I put a nice, old-brown belt on it, it almost looked like it was a very expensive, cool brand of jeans. I really digged that factory-aura the pants seemed to be oozing, too.

Great! I had chosen some pants. Now what to wear on top of them?

It had to be something Antonio hadn't seen that often before. You know, because I wanted to make him faint from the very sight of me, looking all handsome and sexy and hurrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-manly. Then again, Antonio had about as much interest in clothing as he had in art: nice to have, but not really necessary. Almost like my brother's opinion would be, really, only Feliciano liked art very, very much.

Well…

Hmmmnnnrrr…

What to do, what to do…

I guess I could go for that fancy-looking, but really just very plain dress shirt I happened to notice. A white one, but that was alright, since white looked so damn fine on me. I believe I haven't worn this one that often yet… well, that's a nice coincidence.

To be honest, I don't think Antonio gave a fuck what I'd wear tonight – as long as it was easy to rip off my body, he was totally okay with it. Hell, I bet he wasn't even wondering the slightest bits about what clothes he should wear tonight, as long as it was no sweat to discard them when the nasty would happen.

…

Oh my god.

He was going to put on something downright atrocious, wasn't he?

Yes, he totally was, dammit, I knew that moron well enough to be sure about it and I sure as fuck shouldn't be too damn surprised if that nitwit had the sheer guts to dress up like some kind of colorblind dipshit tonight.

That would certainly help my erection problems.

NOT.

Dammit, I guess I had no choice – I better pick some clothes for him, too. I groaned and moved myself over to Antonio's drawer, swiftly opening the doors.

Wha…

…

…

…fucking PIGPEN in there, dammit, the only things missing were the motherfucking pigs!

Antonio's clothes were just… muffled away here and there, neat pants and shirts weren't hung on hangers and there were NO matching socks to find in that jungle fabric.

Everything was fucking WRINKLY! GOD! And… was that a dirty blouse? A dirty blouse? That did hang on a hanger? Gross! Antonio, readjust your damn principles!

I made a disgusted face as I rummaged through the diverse clothing-drama's inside the closet. That unruly bastard deserved a stern reprimand later. Good lord. No wonder Alejo and Matteo were such messy twerps – they got it from their nonchalant Spanish father!

Luckily, I managed to find Antonio's best pants. You know the ones. Yes. Indeed, the black, tight ones. Hot damn, would he look absolutely fuckalicious in these babies. They complimented his heavenly butt on all the right places – and the best part was that they didn't even were that wrinkly, in comparison with the other trousers and pant-like things that chilled out in the drawer.

Right at that moment, when I was drooling over the black pants and the fact that the word's most awesome butt of all would soon be inside of it, teasing me with its deliciousness, the doorbell rang.

Antonio and the kids sprinted to the door, or so I heard (fucking stampede going on downstairs), and a lot of noisy and obnoxious greetings were exchanged when they let Feliciano, Germany and Mimi in.

'Veeee, good evening, Big Brother Toni!~ Good evening, kiddies!'

'Good evening,' Germany muttered as well – man, I could tell by the tone of his voice that he had rather stayed at home tonight.

…

Well tough.

'Germany! Feli! Mimi!' I heard Antonio cry out, like he hadn't seen the assholes in years. 'Welcome! Come on in! Lovi? Oh, he's upstairs, putting some make-up on.'

'I HEARD THAT, ASSWIPE!' I instantly shouted.

Antonio, Feliciano and the kids burst out laughing, while Germany constantly said 'Let go of my leg, please let go of my leg, mini-Spain,' and I thought that maybe it would be a better idea to stay upstairs a little while longer, before the sudden chaos downstairs would ruin my good mood.

'Why don't you take Mimi, uncle Feli and uncle Germany to the living room?' Antonio asked one of the kids. 'I'll go change upstairs and tell Papa Lovi he shouldn't forget putting on pink lipstick, too.'

'I'll fucking KILL YOU,' I snarled again, but nobody heard me, since the demon kids managed to be louder than me as they dragged their helpless uncles to the living room.

Then I heard footsteps coming up the stairs, accompanied by some content humming.

...

For a moment, the image of an elderly, gray-haired Antonio, humming and smiling just as much as he walked up the stairs as his "younger" self would, flashed through my head. It made me vaguely wonder if I'd still be attracted to him as much if we grew older like that.

Not that growing older would really change his appearance, of course, but still. Sometimes, it was just very weird to think about the fact that our looks would never ever change under the influence of time passing by.

Maybe that was a pity, in some way.

'Hi sweetie!' Antonio suddenly chirped, and I gasped and jumped up a bit when I saw his reflection in the mirror I was standing in front of – still with those black pants in my hands.

'F-fucking sneak!' I nagged, jabbing him in the ribs. 'Don't crawl into the room all quietly like that, you damn spider!'

Antonio, who stood right behind me, just smiled at my reflection and rested his head on my shoulders. 'What are you doing?~ Touching my pants all affectionately like that – were you planning on touching something else just as affectionately afterwards, hmmm?~'

I had to swallow a bit when I felt something pricking in my lower back. He didn't even try to hide the fact he was horny as fuck, dammit. It also didn't really help I was still only wearing that stupid towel.

'I was picking out clothes for you,' I decided to say. 'Since you always dress yourself like a hobo.'

'Aw, so mean.' Antonio slowly enclosed his hands around my arms and closed his eyes for a moment, very clearly inhaling my scent. 'You're lucky I want to save my lust for you until we're inside our hotel room, because I'd have to force myself upon you otherwise…'

'You wouldn't have to force anything,' I confessed, blushing and looking away from the mirror.

That was enough to make Antonio grow even more hot and bothered, of course – so he cursed softly, planted a kiss down my neck and gently pushed me aside.

'W-well! Why don't you… get dressed, Lovino, and say hi to Germany and Feli? Then I'll take a shower and get myself dressed as well.'

'Sure,' I said and spontaneously dropped my towel.

Antonio made a sound that sounded like "urgf" and his eyes were immediately all over me. Then he actually had to grip the side of the dresser to keep himself from attacking me – or so I secretly hoped.

'What…' he cleared his throat, '…what are you doing?'

I gave him a weird look. 'Getting dressed, of course, like you told me to. Or do you want me to go downstairs first, only wearing a towel? That would raise some eyebrows, don't you think?'

'Doing this makes things rise as well,' Antonio hoarsely said.

'Like what?' I innocently bent over to grab a new pair of boxers.

Antonio moaned loudly and turned away from me. 'For Pete's sake, Lovino, hurry up already before I fuck you against the wall!'

I grinned. 'Oh? Which wall did you have in min—'

'ANY wall, Lovino! Any damn… darn wall will do!'

Man, that face of his. Antonio seemed so utterly helpless and turned on right now, it was too fucking good to not take advantage of it.

'Oh well,' I sighed, pulling up my pants and slipping into my dress shirt VERY slowly, 'and here I was, thinking we could go for a quicky. But you want to save it for later, and I respect that.'

'Good,' Antonio muttered.

'Goodness, I seem to have suddenly forgotten the very important ability that is buttoning my shirt. Oh no.' I glanced over my shoulder at (a very strained-looking) Antonio and flashed a flirty smile at him. 'Care to help me out?'

'Nnnnnno,' Antonio panted, shaking his head furiously.

'Come on, it's not that hard – here, I'll even come closer so you can touch my willing body as much as you want – I mean, button my shirt.'

Much to my surprise, he actually did it, too, and started buttoning my shirt when I stood in front of him. His hands and fingers were shaky and sweaty and craving for my skin and more, no doubt, but man, he still kept himself under control!

I frowned as I looked at his pained face. Damn, that man's willpower must have been made of pure, cold-hard steel!

'Seriously though,' I mumbled softly as he almost finished properly dressing me, 'do me already.'

Antonio shuddered. 'L-Lovi, you must stop teasing me—'

'I'm not fucking teasing you, goddammit, I'm telling you to take me against that wall already!'

'God,' he murmured with a low growl, while his hands, hesitant but eager, slowly slid down till they rested on the back of my pants, '…Lovino… we-we don't have enough time to…'

'Skip the preparation, then.' I swallowed heavily.

'But I'll hurt you—'

'I don't give a crap, just hurry up and screw me.'

To empathize my shameless words, I simply went for that lovely bulge inside his pants and started stroking it through the fabric. There. How's that for fucking teasing, dammit!

For a second or two, it really seemed like Antonio was going to give in. He was already moaning a bit and had me pushed against a wall, and the only thing he had to do now was lose his and my pants and have his perverted way with me.

But then he suddenly pushed me off him, breathing heavily with half-lidded eyes, as he determinedly shook his head.

'If we do it now the way you want to do it now, you'll get hurt and we won't be able to do it more than once. At least, not without you having a lot of pain.'

I knew he was right – of course I knew he was right, we'd done it more often without a proper preparation, and you bet either his or my ass had been totally out of business afterwards – but I still didn't like the fact he could resist my seduction tactics.

'Bastard,' I therefore told him. 'You shouldn't be able to fight against my sexy manliness, dammit.'

'Well,' Antonio gave me a crooked smile, 'I probably would have given in already – if your brother wasn't secretly observing us from that partly-opened door, ahahahaha…'

I instantly turned to look at the door, only to see Feliciano, smiling and waving happily at me.

'Veeeee, good to see you, big brother!~ Nice show! You're really sexy when you want to be sexy, haha!'

W-wha…

…

…what the hell?!