I know it seems like Beth's feelings and thoughts are all over the board in this story but that is her character in this particular world. She is shy and emotional and overcoming a grave illness and she's learning how to act around a man like Daryl.
…
Chapter Seventeen.
Her doctors in the clinic had explained it to her like this.
Because she felt as if she had absolutely no control over anything in her life, she had to gain control through her eating. She was the one in control of what she did – and did not – put in her mouth. And as everything around her began falling apart, she worked hard to convince herself that it wasn't and the way she did that was through cleaning. Her eating disorder had done so many things to her but it had also turned her into a somewhat anal clean freak. She dusted and vacuumed her room every other day. When she ate, she made sure there were no crumbs anywhere except on the plate. She sometimes made a bed two or three times if she couldn't get all of the creases out of the comforter on the first try. All of her clothes hung in the same direction and all of her shoes on the closet floor were paired off in perfect rows.
The first night in Daryl's trailer, she tried not to touch anything. It wasn't her place to touch anything and Daryl wasn't really a messy person anyway. But the more she tried to sit on her hands, the more her body shook as if she was a junkie in need of getting their fix and finally, she couldn't take it anymore.
Daryl had said nothing; that there was nothing between them and she had been standing in the hallway with Annie when he had said that. And as soon as the word hit her ears, Beth knew that she had never hated a single word in the entire English language more than that.
We're nothing.
Kissing her and asking her out on a date and meeting her daddy and giving her little presents and asking her to stay with him for a couple of days… it was nothing.
Tears immediately began burning her eyes and she could feel Annie looking at her but Beth didn't dare look at her, not wanting to see Daryl's sister-in-law looking at her with pity. It was apparent that other women liked Daryl. Karen had called the garage more than once, asking for him, and there was that woman in the roller derby and Beth was sure there were others.
And thinking of that, Beth told herself that of course there was nothing between her and Daryl. Why would he want there to be? He obviously had his pick and why on earth would he pick her with the baggage of an eating disorder and a scar on her wrist that he didn't even know about? She was too loaded down with too much; too fragile and in his eyes, not worth the effort.
Thankfully, she didn't have to talk to him at dinner. They sat beside one another at the small kitchen table but she didn't even look his way and thankfully, Merle was the sort who could easily take over an entire room with his talk and neither she or Daryl were able to get a word in even if they wanted to.
At the end of the evening, she hugged Annie and thanked both her and Merle for having her over for dinner.
"You're always welcome here, angel," Merle told her with a wide smile and Beth did her best to smile in return though she knew that was an invitation she would probably never see through. This was Daryl's brother and she couldn't just come and see Daryl's family – especially when Merle was the one Daryl had told what he really thought about her.
Nothing.
What a stupid, horrible word.
The ride home lasted an eternity and her arms had been light around his waist, not wanting to hold onto him or rest her cheek on his back like she did on every other ride. The wind was cold against her face and she told herself that that was why her eyes were stinging with tears.
He pulled to a stop in front of the trailer and she immediately climbed off. She darted her eyes to anything but him and she could have sworn that she heard him say her name but she couldn't be sure because all she heard was a dull hum in her ears and her head began spinning.
She couldn't stay here. There was absolutely no way she could stay here and it was obvious that he didn't want her anywhere near him. She wanted to ask him – demand from him – why he had asked her to stay with him in the first place but right now, that was just way too many words to say and she knew she wouldn't be able to get them past her tongue that suddenly felt too big for her mouth.
She followed him into the small, slightly cool trailer and she immediately turned to head into the bedroom but before she could take more than two steps, Daryl reached out and took hold of her hand. And even though it was Daryl touching her – and his touch always made her feel a thousand degrees warmer – all she could hear was Nothing on repeat in her head and she flinched.
Daryl instantly dropped her hand as if it was a hot coal. "'m sorry," he mumbled then and she finally looked at him.
He was staring at her and she took a step back from him, crossing her arms over herself. She wasn't afraid of him but rather, she was terrified of what he might say and she didn't know exactly what he was apologizing for but she just knew she didn't want to hear him say anything else.
She closed the door to the bedroom and stood there for a moment, trying to breathe. She looked around the room and the slightly disorderly state of it and she felt her skin start to itch as if a thousand bugs were crawling all over her.
She started there. She took all of the clothes he had dumped onto the floor of the closet and began folding them. She would have much rather preferred to wash them first but she couldn't take loads of his clothes out of here without him noticing. So she folded them – separating them all into piles – and she then went to his dresser, opening drawers and figuring out where he put everything. But seeing the state of the drawers, she had to fold everything in there, too. And then, she told herself she had no right to but she found all of his flannel shirts – she couldn't believe how many he had – and she hung those all up in the closet and put away his tee-shirts and jeans in the drawers. The only drawer she left alone was the top drawer with his socks and boxers, too embarrassed to touch those and knowing that Daryl wouldn't appreciate that at all if she arranged that, too.
And once that was all done, it was past nine o'clock. She didn't hear anything on the other side of the door and she wondered if he was sleeping. She picked up her gym bag and slung it onto her shoulder. She was wearing the small compass he had given her around her neck – she hardly ever took it off – and though it was dark outside and walking through the woods wasn't the wisest thing to do, she had to get out of there. She couldn't stay here with him now that she knew. The farm was west so she just had to keep walking west and she would walk into it eventually. Daryl's trailer wasn't that far.
Beth went to the door and slowly pulled it open. She peeked out and saw him sitting on the couch, leaning forward, his head bowed, his arms resting on his knees but his hearing was better than most and the instant that door was open, he lifted his head and saw her and practically leapt to his feet.
She took a deep breath and stepped out and his eyes instantly went to the bag on her shoulder. He stared at it for a moment and then moved his eyes back to her.
"Don't go," he said and he spoke softly and yet, everything around them was so quiet, his words sounded as loud and sudden as two shotgun blasts.
She shook her head. "There's no reason for me to stay here," she said and her fingers curled around the strap of the bag so tightly, she felt her knuckles begin to ache. "I'm not going to stay where I'm not wanted," she told him and she was so happy with herself for being able to get that out.
Daryl took a step towards her and she forced herself to stand still and not take a step back. Daryl wouldn't hurt her and she didn't think for a moment that he would. Not hurt her physically anyway.
"I want you here, Beth," he then said, his voice lower, almost rougher sounding, and Beth hated the tingle that shot down her spine.
He took another step towards her and his eyes never left her and Beth found herself looking into his eyes and not looking away from him no matter how loudly she yelled at herself to do just that.
"'m sorry about earlier," he said.
"Sorry for what you said or sorry that I overhead?" She asked and she finally was able to move her eyes away from him. She looked down to his chest in front of her, staring holes into the Dale's Garage tee-shirt he wore, and she could feel his eyes still settled on her head.
She didn't even know why they were having this conversation. She didn't want to know because no matter what his answer was, she didn't want to hear it. She felt such a crushing disappointment and sadness towards him, it was as if someone was pressing piles of stones right down on her chest, slowly crushing her to death.
All of her thoughts came rushing back to him that she had had when she thought he wasn't showing up to the farm for dinner and she now knew that her thoughts had been right. She was nothing. Not to him. Not to too many people. Nothing more than a burden to everyone she knew and she felt so stupid and pathetic for thinking that Daryl had actually wanted her. Her of all people.
And those stupid searing tears began flooding her eyes again.
It was her fault, she knew. She had just been so desperate for something good to happen to her – to finally have something good in her life – and she had looked for it anywhere. Even in something that wasn't there and she pretended that it had been.
"'m really sorry for what I said earlier," Daryl finally spoke after a long moment. "I didn' mean it. I don't know…" he suddenly cut himself off as if he realized that he was talking too much and Beth slowly lifted her eyes despite knowing that they were red and wet and she had already promised herself that she would never cry in front of him.
She saw him visibly swallow, his Adam's apple bobbing down and then up again.
"I've never done somethin' like this 'fore, Beth," he said, his voice low and quiet again. "And I don't know how to act 'round you."
"Not like a jackass would be a good start," she blurted out before she could stop herself and she almost gasped and slapped a hand over her mouth.
She felt her eyes widen that she had just said that but Daryl stared at her and she swore that she saw him looking something close to amused.
"I don't got a lot of experience with women," he then admitted to her.
"You?" She asked and she knew the disbelief was evident in her tone because how was that even possible? Daryl Dixon was the most handsome man she had ever seen and other women obviously thought the same thing and there had to have been loads of them in his life before her and this moment.
He shrugged. "Don't really like people," he explained and she thought that over for a moment, her eyes drifting to his chest again, realizing that that seeming simple statement was quite true.
For the longest time, working in the garage, she had been so convinced that he hated her but he seemed to hate everyone – always scowling or frowning or muttering about how big of an idiot this person or that person was.
"But, Beth…" he said her name and her eyes lifted to his again. "I like you." He said those three words in a voice barely above a whisper, all mumbled and hard to separate into different syllables, but Beth heard him as if he had shouted it from the rooftop and the voice carried, echoing throughout the trees and the night.
She stared at him and didn't say anything because she had no idea what to say. Her heart was thudding in her chest so loud, she swore that he could probably hear it in the otherwise quiet trailer. And the air around them didn't feel so cool anymore. In fact, Beth felt sweat droplets begin to form along the base of her spine as if she was in an inferno and she wondered if she had any similar effect on him.
"I like you and I wan' you to stay here with me," Daryl said.
"Alright," Beth heard herself say before she could stop and even really think about it. She nodded her head slowly. "I want to stay."
They stared at one another and she wondered if he would kiss her. She hoped he would; wanted him to. She felt like they hadn't kissed in so long and she wanted him to initiate it this time. She needed to know that he wanted to kiss her.
But minutes counted by and he didn't make a move and she felt something inside of her get smaller and smaller with each tick of the imaginary clock.
"I cleaned your room," she blurted out, subsequently killing whatever thick mood had been hanging over their heads.
He looked at her for a moment as if he didn't understand. "What?" He asked the question on an escaped breath past his lips; as if he wanted to let out a laugh but was able to catch himself in time.
"I wasn't… I'm not able to help myself. I'm…" she had no idea how to explain this to him but Daryl was looking at her and there was no judgment in his eyes. And he had hurt her, yes, but he had apologized and she looked at him and couldn't help but feel like she could trust him.
He liked her. She just had to keep telling herself that because Daryl wasn't going to just say something he didn't mean and if he said he liked her, he must. She couldn't doubt that. She refused to let herself doubt that because if she did, she would never be able to trust anything about him and she so desperately wanted to trust him.
She made herself take a deep breath. "I like things neat. I don't really feel in control of a lot of things in my life except my eating and how I can keep things around me. I like things having their place."
"Alrigh'…" he said slowly, almost hesitantly, and he looked at her with an expression that seemed like a mixture of confusion and curiosity. She felt her cheeks blush as he reached out and slowly too the bag from her shoulder. "Mind showin' me?" He asked, tilting his chin towards the bedroom behind her.
"I know I shouldn't have touched your things but I just…" she trailed off because there really was no explanation as to why she had cleaned his room other that she was sick because she was – and she supposed she was in more than one way.
She stepped into the room and stood in the corner but the back window and the closet, watching with a nervous knot in her stomach and her fingers fidgeting as he set her bag down and looked around. He looked and saw all of his flannels hanging in the closet and his extra pair of boots on the floor beneath them. He turned slowly to his dresser and began pulling open drawers, seeing his tee-shirts and his jeans and he was staring at them all as if he had never seen any of them folded before.
"I didn't touch the top drawer," she blurted out and she almost winced. She really had to stop blurting things out like that.
Daryl slowly turned and looked at her and his face was completely unreadable to her. She opened her mouth to say something but she had absolutely no idea what to say so her lips stayed parted with no sound being made between them. She didn't know what to think; what he thought.
She watched as he approached her slowly and she had no idea what he was thinking or what he was going to do. His eyes locked with hers and suddenly, he was standing right in front of her and it felt as if her heart was beating right in the base of her throat. And she let out a small gasp as his hands lifted to her cheeks and then he pressed his lips to hers.
…
It was Sunday – the start of their weekend – but Beth woke up nonetheless just a little bit after six o'clock in the morning. She laid there for a few minutes, listening to the light songs of the birds chirping outside and her eyes adjusted to the soft greyness of the room as the dawn grew lighter with the sun creeping above the eastern horizon.
She would have to get up and start getting herself ready for church so she could meet daddy, Maggie and Shawn but she didn't want to move just yet. She didn't know if she would ever want to move. Everything in this moment – for the first time in such a long time; maybe for the first time ever – she was experiencing perfection.
Beth turned her head on the pillow and next to her in the bed, his head on the mattress since there was only one pillow on the bed now – the other out on the couch when he had taken it to sleep on the night before – Daryl slept deeply and peacefully and she watched him, too afraid to even move because if she did, that might wake him and this moment would be over.
She wanted this moment to last forever.
…
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