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Chapter Twenty-Four.
Beth moaned softly into his mouth as her fingers gripped strands of his hair and he pushed her back harder against the brick wall in response, kissing her probably too hard but he couldn't get himself to ease off of her. It seemed like the second the other guys left for the lunch hour and the garage was closed, he and Beth went out back as they usually did but he didn't feel like eating his bologna sandwich today.
I love you, Daryl Dixon.
He could remember every time anyone had ever said those words to him in his life. Definitely never by his old man. Will Dixon was the meanest son of a bitch who had ever lived and he hadn't seemed as if he was capable of love. His mama had told him a couple of times when he was younger but she had been so trashed at the time, Daryl hadn't thought that she even realized what she was saying.
Merle was the only one who had told him throughout his life that he loved him. Sometimes, it had been said in a taunting way – strung out on pills or drunk just like their parents – telling him that no one would ever love him the way ol' Merle did and for the longest time, Daryl believed him without question. But then, as the years went on, and Daryl's life changed and Merle was in prison and then out again and his life changed, too, it came to be more genuine, always with a clap on the back and a "Love you, baby brother" as Daryl left after coming over for dinner.
And now, Beth Greene had said them to him. Beth Greene with her golden hair and her shy smile and he almost wanted to ask what the hell she was doing with a guy like him, kissing him and letting him press her against a wall and loving him? She loved him. He told himself that again and again, her words echoing in his head, but it still didn't make any sense to him. A girl like Beth Greene couldn't be in love with a guy like him and a part of him just wanted to pull away from her and ask her what the hell she was thinking – or ask her if she was thinking at all.
But another part of him kept kissing her and didn't want to stop kissing her because Beth Green loved him. She loved him and maybe he was selfish and maybe he didn't deserve that in the least but a part of him didn't want her to stop and take it back. He wanted to let her words wash over him because ever since she had said them to him, Daryl had felt a little bit warmer; as if the sun was shining just for him.
He had never felt anything like it before because he had never been truly loved. And even though he thought that maybe Beth was out of her mind for doing so and clearly not thinking, he knew that Beth did love him. Someone loved him. Beth. And it made it feel like he could do anything right now. He could climb this brick wall like he was fucking Spiderman if he wanted to. He could go inside and lift one of those cars up with his bare hands. This was better than any high he had ever had and he was already being greedy in thinking that he wanted this to last as long as it could.
"Daryl," she murmured his name then and he slowly pulled his lips back from hers, his eyes opening to see her own fluttering open and when she met his, she smiled.
He looked at her for a few minutes or maybe a few hours. He couldn't be sure. He just knew he had never liked looking at something as much as he liked looking at her. He wanted to look at her for as long as he could.
"We should eat," he then said and she nodded though her hands remained on his shoulders and she seemed just as reluctant to have their bodies separate. He leaned in once more and kissed her – making sure he kept it a short kiss – before he forced himself to take a step backwards. "Come on, Greene. I gotta keep my strength up."
She laughed softly at that and he smiled a little. He sank down against the wall to the ground and Beth lowered herself beside him. He had his bologna sandwich as always and a bag of potato chips and Beth reached into her bag and pulled out a plastic container of a salad she had made that morning. She really loved eating salads but Daryl wasn't going to dare make a comment about it because it wasn't as if she was just eating lettuce. She had cherry tomatoes and cucumbers and croutons and he had to remind himself that for a girl like Beth, that would be more than enough. He had to remind himself that she couldn't eat the amount of food he did. It would probably make her sick if she did. Beth ate and he saw her eat and that's what mattered. He had to remind himself of that.
"The cat's back," she noted and Daryl lifted his eyes to see the stray tabby cat sitting a few feet away from them, staring at them; staring right at Daryl.
He sighed. "Damn cat. Never should have started feedin' it. I'm not able to eat an entire sandwich anymore."
Beth giggled softly at that and despite his grumblings, Daryl ripped off a bit of a piece of bologna and leaning forward, he tossed it towards the cat.
"We should name him," Beth mused, watching as the cat greedily ate the offering.
"Why?" Daryl took another bite of his sandwich.
She shrugged. "The cat's always hanging around the garage and seems to like you."
"'cause I feed it," he pointed out to her, his eyes back to watching the cat, amazed when the cat felt brave enough to close a little bit more space between them. His tail was swishing back and forth against the ground and Daryl couldn't help but rip off another piece of bologna and toss it to him. "Should name it Meyer," he said.
"Meyer?" She turned her head to look at him, smiling at that.
Daryl shrugged, not looking at her because he could feel the tips of his ears already burning and he didn't want to break out into a full damn blush around her. "Always givin' it bologna and I don't want to name it Oscar. Don't want the human Oscar to think I named it for him."
Beth giggled again and she leaned over, resting her head on his shoulder. "I think Meyer is the perfect cat name."
Daryl didn't say anything else as he finished his sandwich and kept watching the cat now named Meyer and smelling the faint scent of buttercream waft into his nose. He could hear her crunching on croutons and lettuce and besides that and the gentle breeze blowing that afternoon, everything else around them seemed absolutely quiet; as if, behind Dale's garage, they were the only two living people left in this world and Daryl thought that if that was actually the truth, he would be more than fine with it.
If he thought about it – and he found himself thinking about it often – he wondered how the hell this had happened and how he had wound up in this place with Beth. Living with her and kissing her, as well as doing other things to her, and having her tell him that she loved him. Just a couple of months ago, it was just him and he was fine with that. Or so he thought. He had a few friends and would go over to Merle and Annie's for dinner but he didn't have anyone and no one had him and that was the way he liked it. Just him in his trailer in the middle of the woods.
He had tried so hard to ignore Beth's existence in the garage office, but somehow, she had slipped in past his defenses and now that she was there, he found himself not wanting her to go anytime soon. He knew he wasn't in love with her. He was pretty sure he didn't know how to love a person. He loved Merle, sure, but he wasn't looking to have the same kind of relationship with Beth that he had with his brother. He loved Rick, too, but Rick was like another brother and loved him like one.
He had never been in love with a woman before and he didn't know if a person was born with that ability or learned it because he knew he wasn't born with anything like that. He didn't know how to love or be in love and he wondered if Beth would keep loving him if she knew that he couldn't love her back.
"Merle and me are goin' out tonight after work," he told her as they finished their lunches near the end of the hour and began cleaning up their trash.
"Up to some trouble?" She gave him a teasing smile.
"We're Dixons so prob'ly," he said.
He stood up first and held out his hand to her, which she took with a smile. He gently pulled her to her feet and as she stood, she leaned into his chest. His hand slipped from hers so his arm could wind around her waist and without thinking about it more, he leaned down and kissed her just as she tilted her chin up towards him.
He knew he didn't love her but there was so much about her that he did love. He loved kissing her and feeling the softness of her lips and how even after eating a salad with some tangy dressing on it, she still tasted so sweet to him. He loved the way she lifted a hand and rested it lightly against the side of his neck and the way she moaned softly into his mouth and the way her slight body pressed against his.
If it was at all possible, he would kiss Beth Greene for the rest of his life.
Martinez was in charge of the music today so the afternoon was spent with AC/DC blasting through the garage and him singing along and using a wrench as a guitar. Dale had told him more than once to turn it down and Beth had closed the door between then garage and office so she could hear when she was on the phone. By the time closing time came around, Daryl had a headache and he was more than ready to go out with his brother for a couple of beers.
Beth finished cleaning up her desk sooner than usual and she came out into the garage when the other guys were still there, cleaning up their stations. He lifted his head, flicking his hair out of his eyes, and she gave him a small smile.
"Shawn is picking me up and I'm going to have dinner at the farm tonight," she said.
"'kay," he nodded.
"Have fun with Merle," she said, still smiling that small smile of hers, and he nodded again. She didn't move in to kiss him – not with the others around – and Daryl could feel the eyes of the other guys glancing over in their direction, clearly expecting them to. Daryl didn't feel like giving them a show and Beth seemed to know that. He didn't know how she knew him so well already.
"See you at home," he said and her smile was a little brighter at his words as she turned and he watched her walk out of the garage, heading into the parking lot. A moment later, he watched as her brother pulled in and Beth got into the car, giving Daryl one last time through the window before Shawn drove off again.
"I have no idea how you control yourself 'round her, boy!" Axel exclaimed with an almost gleeful tinkle in his eyes. "Prettiest girl in the whole town and you've got her wrapped around your greasy fingers."
Daryl found himself frowning. "I don't have Beth wrapped 'round nothin'," he said.
Martinez laughed at that. "Well, at least that answers whether or not you're hitting that every night in that trailer of yours."
Daryl turned a steely glare on him, his hands curling into fists. "Best watch your mouth," he warned not only Martinez but Axel, too. Zach was staying silent.
Axel didn't seem to take the hint though and he laughed a little. "Course, I bet it helps that she's… well, you know."
Daryl stared at him, feeling the heat rushing through his veins, being carried on his boiling blood as his anger rose.
"Nothin' like hittin' on a girl when she's at her most vulnerable," Axel continued. "Probably the only way guys like us could ever have a shot with a girl like Beth," he laughed then but all Daryl heard was all of the sound suddenly fall out around him.
And with that one comment, Daryl felt all fury in his body completely extinguish. He looked at Axel and though he still wanted to punch him in the mouth, the need didn't feel as urgent anymore. Within a few seconds, the urge had died down to almost nothing because even though he ignored the guys most of the time when they were talking about women, this time, Daryl couldn't help but have Axel's words ring in his ears because he was right. For once, Axel was absolutely right.
Daryl turned his head to look out at the parking lot as if he was expecting Beth to still be there. I love you, Daryl Dixon. He heard her words whisper in his ears.
No, she didn't. She couldn't possibly love him. Not when she was like this. She was sick. Getting better, yes, but still sick and he was taking complete advantage of her right now. There was no way Beth was in her right mind to be thinking clearly. She wasn't weak but she wasn't strong either and as Axel had said, she was vulnerable and was he using that to his advantage?
Beth was a beautiful girl and Daryl had never had anything beautiful in his life before. She was making him the center of her world and Daryl had never been important to anyone like that before. Was that why he was doing this with her? Because she made him feel good and important and he wanted to keep feeling that way? He was using Beth Greene.
The admittance in his mind nearly knocked him back a step. He hadn't even realized he was doing it but that's what he had to be doing because there was really no reason why two people like them would ever be together. They were just too damn different and there wasn't a single part of himself that was worthy of Beth Greene.
Hershel had just talked to him about not breaking Beth's heart and Daryl had promised the old man that he wasn't looking to ever do something like that but this whole time, that was exactly what he was doing because there was no way this could end between them without Beth getting her heart broken. And of course this was going to end because there was no way it could go on for much longer.
He was going to break her heart because this whole damn time, he was being with her because she made him feel good. He thought of how he felt like the sun was shining just for him and how that was because of Beth and he had never had the sun shine for him before. What person wouldn't want that feeling to last?
How could he not have realized this sooner? He had known how good she was and he should have known better than putting his hands anywhere on her, let alone put himself anywhere near her. Somehow, he had fooled her into thinking that she loved him and he had actually convinced himself of it, too, even though this whole time, he should have known that this whole thing was too good to be true.
He didn't remember finishing cleaning his station or getting on his bike and driving to Joe's Bar where he was meeting Merle for a couple of beers. He walked in and saw his brother already there, laughing with his buddy, Joe, the owner and bartender about something. Daryl felt himself moving towards him and sitting on a stool beside him but he still felt like he couldn't hear anything.
"Wha's the matter with you, boy?" Merle asked, frowning as Joe placed a bottle of beer down in front of Daryl.
Daryl went a minute without answering.
"Daryl," Merle snapped his fingers in front of his face. "Wha's goin' on?"
Daryl seemed to shake himself out of it and he looked at Merle. He tried to swallow the thickness down that was strangling his throat.
"I'mma piece of shit," he stated.
"Huh," Merle blinked at that. He picked up his beer bottle and shrugged as he took a quick guzzle. "Well, course you are. We're Dixons. It's what we are."
And it wasn't what Daryl wanted to hear but it was what he needed to hear in that moment because he knew it was the truth.
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