Chapter 12 - The Seeds of Doubt Can Sprout on Any Ground

"Have a seat, Spock." Kirk indicated the visitor's couch. "I mean it. If I want to pace, I don't want you in the way."

Spock sat with his hands resting on his thighs, as much at attention as one could be on soft furniture.

Kirk tried not to pace quite yet. "First off, I'm sorry. I was wrong. I tried everything and still let you down. The only remaining alternative was resigning and no matter how important your pride is, I wasn't prepared to do that."

"Of course not, Captain."

Kirk rubbed his eyes again. "I need to get my thoughts focused on defending myself. And I have a meeting with a lawyer this evening that Rand set up. But I need to clear up something with you before that. Something Sunap said made me wonder."

"I feel I should apologize for his behavior."

"Don't do that. I told him he could ask whatever he wanted. He called my bluff." Kirk smiled, "I remember being that age."

Spock appeared doubtful.

Kirk pulled the visitor's chair around and sat facing Spock. "Spock." He took a deep breath and leaned forward. "Sorry if this gets a little personal, but I have to ask this. If my touch was bothering you, you would you say something, right?"

Kirk knew the answer was 'no' by the way Spock shifted back slightly. Spock said, "Not necessarily."

The bottom of Kirk's stomach was trying to slip downward. He kept himself level.

"Why not?" When Spock hesitated, Kirk said, "This is important. I need an honest answer."

Spock looked away while he considered, then looked back. "Because it seems to be a part of how you function as a commander and I do not wish to disrupt that."

"Even if I was distressing you."

Spock shook his head faintly. "It is minor."

"Is," Kirk echoed. He stood up and walked around. His legs felt like live wires.

Spock's tone seemed calmly out of place. "I can control my reactions better than you can change your methods of leadership."

Kirk shook his head. "Spock . . ." He took hold of the back of the visitor's chair and leaned over it in Spock's direction. "Do you know what you are saying? Why?"

Spock hesitated. "I do not understand what you are asking."

Kirk's voice was rising without his will. "I'm asking why you wouldn't say."

Spock hesitated again, for longer. "I believe I just answered that, Captain."

"Do you have any idea, Commander, the implication of what you are saying?"

Spock studied him in silence.

"Do you know what the command manual says? Do you know what Sunap said? 'Why doesn't he complain?' The manual? It says 'all physical contact with Vulcans is improper contact.' It's one of the few times a specific race is mentioned in the entire manual."

Kirk stood straight but kept hold of the chair. His body felt alarmed and alert but strangely weak.

"Jim, I do not think that stricture applies in this case. And Sunap does not understand the nature of our relationship."

"There's that word: Relationship."

Spock shook his head. His voice was gentle. "I do not follow you, Jim."

Kirk calmed his voice. "The other day you said you didn't see the distinction between the power I have over the rank and file versus the senior officers." He looked away from Spock, feeling undone. His quarters felt colder than usual. "Maybe I deserve this damn hearing."

Spock moved as if to stand, but sat back. "Jim, I do not believe you deserve it, and I would hope my opinion would hold some weight in this."

"Technically, no it doesn't. For good reason."

"Only in a hearing is my opinion irrelevant," Spock said. "I expect, however, that it should hold weight with you, personally."

"Why can't you just . . . tell me if I'm distressing you?"

Spock knitted his hands together in his lap. "We are discussing a handful of occurrences over months, Jim. It is not significant. The vast majority of the time, I do not mind."

Kirk looked away from him again. "I've been wandering through this threat of a hearing felling smug. This is what I get."

"I don't understand how your creative genius works, Jim. It is a mystery to me. And we have needed it too many times in too many potentially fatal circumstances for me to risk impacting it."

"Okay. I can see that excuse in the heat of a situation, but why not say something later?"

"It is no different. I do not want you considering my personal needs when you have an entire ship, if not a planet, to worry about. That would be unacceptable."

Kirk rubbed his brow while he wondered what other buried truths about himself were lurking.

"May I stand, Jim?"

Kirk waved that he could. Spock pushed off the couch, came beside Kirk, and blatantly took his arm.

Kirk's mouth twitched, but he shook his head.

"I fail to see why you are discarding my arguments," Spock said.

Kirk grew forceful. "Because it matters that I'm doing things right. And there is a pretty clear right and wrong here."

Spock shifted his grip so he could lift Kirk's forearm. "I am unbothered by this. I am familiar with your thoughts. If they intrude unexpectedly it is easily dealt with. We have melded too many times for the opposite to be true."

"I've started wondering about that too. I wondered what your father would think."

Spock's voice became tight. "It is none of his concern." He relaxed abruptly. "I am free to act as I wish."

Kirk pointed at himself. "But it is my concern that some things are over the line that I didn't realize were. But I don't know they are because you won't tell me."

"If my opinion on that is relevant, why is my opinion now on my own situation being disregarded in your final analysis?"

Kirk pushed off with his arm, but Spock didn't release him. "Because it has to be. If I were bedding some new ensign on this ship and she insisted she wanted it to continue, do you think that should be considered relevant? No." Kirk put a finger to Spock's chest. "This is no different. You, yourself, said you did not see the distinction. You, yourself, are failing to counter my command over you when I am crossing the line by not informing me."

Neither of them moved.

Kirk said, "Do you see the problem?"

"In theory. But not in practice in this particular situation."

"I'm the star captain. The rules don't apply to me?"

"I did not say that. I feel a bit like you must with the admiral, I am unable to get through to you with an argument."

Kirk relaxed his captured arm and looked away, resisting that comment. "Some rules do matter, Spock."

Spock pushed Kirk backwards. Two steps, three steps, until Kirk's back met the wall between the door and the sleeping alcove.

"Spock?"

Spock placed his feet so he had Kirk braced there with his arm pressed to his chest.

Spock said, "You haven't ordered me to release you."

Kirk studied his face, trying to glean what he was doing.

Spock said, "Why have you not commanded me to let you go, Jim?"

"I shouldn't need to."

The grip on Kirk's forearm tightened until it started to bruise the bone. Kirk's body went on alert, but he held still. Spock had to know he was hurting him.

The grip eased. "You still have not commanded me," Spock said. He was almost taunting.

Kirk opened his mouth but couldn't do it.

"Why. Haven't. You?" Spock said.

Kirk looked down at Spock's hold on him. The bones still ached, even in Spock's light touch.

"This is important, Jim. I need you to articulate it."

Kirk said, "I don't want to damage our relationship that much."

Spock's grip eased to just barely holding on. His right brow went up slightly.

Kirk went on, "If I command you to let me go, we become merely captain and first officer. Instead of friends, or partners."

"And which of those two spheres do you believe we normally operate in when, for the rare times it happens, I voluntarily fail to tell you your touch has disturbed me?"

Kirk sighed in resignation and was released. He felt relief from guilt like a wave of stress crashing out of his boots, through the deck.

"I get your point." Kirk rubbed his arm. "When you want to make one you don't do it by halves."

"It was important to me to clearly make it."

Spock was still standing close. "The alternative is to be surrounded by humans instinctively fearing I will tread upon their deepest fears."

Kirk considered this. "Even on this ship?"

Spock nodded. "You fail to realize how much your actions have made it possible for me to be truly part of this crew. You demonstrate something to your fellow humans by your methods of interaction and your freely touching me is a significant part of that. It sends a subconscious signal to everyone around you. Especially when you are two point three five times more likely to touch me than anyone else."

"Really?" Kirk rubbed his upper arm to avoid rubbing his forearm. "I worry that if I overdo it, it can be misread with a lot of the crew. Not with- Well, apparently even with you if we get the wrong brass on board."

"It is important to me that you do not change your interaction with me. Your method of bringing me into this crew have made the Enterprise my home."

"Spock." He rethought what he was going to say. "You were here when I arrived."

"Nevertheless."

"Pike wasn't doing a very good job."

"He was exemplary. He kept his distance as recommended. And the rest of the crew followed his lead."

"I see. You are being surprisingly forthright about this." Kirk resisted rubbing his arm yet again.

"After the talk with my father I am better able to be."

"You never told me how that went."

Spock stepped away, head bent thoughtfully. "Somethings were said that I never expected to hear. It was quite surprising."

"I'm glad for you, Spock."

Spock considered Kirk. Considered that he could send Kirk down to the planet to see his father to have him relay T'Pau's offer. The idea still seemed too odd and unexpected to accept.

"You all right?" Kirk took one step closer, then stopped. Intentionally giving Spock space.

Spock nodded. He stepped forward and reached down and took Kirk's wrist. A hot ache still pulsed in the bones of Kirk's forearm. "I did not expect it to be painful this long."

"It's all right; you made your point. And I'm grateful you did. I want to be a certain kind of commander or not one at all. I was taken aback by facing difficult truths and overcompensated."

"You are certain?"

"Yes. Can't you feel it?"

After a moment more, Spock released him.

Kirk swallowed hard. "I don't want to lose this easy rapport with you. So if you ever need space, let me know. For that matter, is there a way I can know when it will distress you to touch you? That 'handful of times' in the last few months?"

Spock considered that. "When I am having difficulty with emotional control it is most distressing to have you touch me."

"I'm probably more likely to touch you then, also."

"I believe that is true. You seem adept at discerning that."

"That's all it takes, Spock. I won't anymore."

Spock nodded.

Kirk put his hands on his hips. "And I'm sorry you may have to answer at the hearing."

Spock said, "I am beginning to appreciate how difficult this could be for Admiral Diamond."

"It only has to get him off the ship."

"I will be pleased to help arrange that, Captain."